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So, What If You're Not Attracted To Your Husband Anymore?
Even after all of these years of being a marriage life coach, if there's a consistent thread that I've experienced with my clients, one that always tends to fascinate me, it's how so often there can be two people who started out being totally into each other; then, life gets in the way and the very same things that caused a husband and wife to not be able to keep their hands off of one another are now some of the very things that cause them to go a couple of months without having sex, without even blinking an eye. What's the deal? Like, really?
From a research standpoint, it's interesting what causes people to be attracted to one another in the first place—looks (of course), a good sense of humor, a person's level of ambition and even relatable past experiences. However, when I read an article on Insider's site entitled, "Why you're attracted to certain people, and not others", a takeaway that tickled me was, "When it comes to love, most people have an idea of what they're looking for in a partner".
Singles, this is actually a part of the reason why I wrote the article for this platform, "The Pros & Cons Of Creating A 'What I Want In A Man' Checklist". It's because the reality is, a lot of people get into relationships simply because a person is pleasing to the eye or makes them feel some type of way, yet they don't really make the time to ponder if they are truly attracted to them in a broader sense. You know, if the person shares their same values, if they complement their lifestyle, if they are on the same page when it comes to spiritual and sexual compatibility…things like that. And when you don't take those types of things into long and serious account before jumping the broom, it can be real easy to "fall out of attraction" once bills, arguments, unattractive habits and even time changing the two of you transpires.
So, what do you do when you're married and, while you still love your husband, you are in a space where you don't really feel all that attracted to him? That's a good question. Personally, I'm a fan of more questions being asked in order to get to the right answer(s). Are you ready to do a little soul-seeking?
Do You Feel Emotionally Disconnected Somehow?
While it might seem odd that most of us are attracted to someone, out the gate, by how they look, I actually want to start this off by inquiring about how you feel about your man emotionally right now. It's no secret that if a lot of women do not feel emotionally in sync with their partner, his looks really aren't going to matter much. Not only that, but a classic dictionary definition of attract is "to draw by appealing to the emotions or senses, by stimulating interest, or by exciting admiration; allure; invite".
When I wrote the article, "This Is How To Feel Emotionally Safe In Your Relationship" and also "10 Things Marriages Need On A Daily Basis", it was partly to confirm the fact that our feelings matter. One example is the last man who broke my heart. We've managed to remain friends (long story and another article for another time) yet it's interesting. He looks just like he did when we were "in our situation" and so, from a physical standpoint, I still think he's cute, I'm not drawn to him in the least. It's because my feelings towards him have changed. I don't trust him in the same way. I don't share with him all of what I used to. I don't respect certain things about how he handled our dynamic. So yeah, we're healing yet there is definitely an emotional disconnect.
So, I would start there. If you're not really into your husband right now, take a moment to think about how he makes you feel. If you can't use words like "good", "safe" and "confident in the relationship", then there is an emotional disconnection somewhere. Either talking it out or seeing a therapist/counselor/life coach can typically help you to figure out how to get your connection back again.
Have You Lost Respect for Him on Some Level?
If you've been reading my copy for a while now, you know that I'm good for bringing the Bible into an article, as I think it applies. Well, for this particular point, Scripture certainly applies. The Classic Amplified Version of Ephesians 5:33 says, "However, let each man of you [without exception] love his wife as [being in a sense] his very own self; and let the wife see that she respects and reverences her husband [that she notices him, regards him, honors him, prefers him, venerates, and esteems him; and [that she defers to him, praises him, and loves and admires him exceedingly]." Some of y'all might not like this very much but hey, I didn't make it up. It's what the Word says. And here's the thing. Just like love languages are all about expressing love in the way that your partner needs to feel it (not the way you do), according to Scripture, women feel loved with love while men feel loved when they are respected. On that last point, you know what else? We are able to love a man more when we respect him too (well look at that!).
I've got a friend right now who's been struggling in her marriage because her husband is the consummate mama's boy. Back when they were dating, she thought it was endearing because it appeared nurturing and gentlemanly. Now that she's realized that she's basically in second place—with his mama always coming in first—she's pretty disgusted (and that's putting it mildly).
If there are three things that most wives expect from their husband, it's him having the ability to protect, provide (not just or only financially but holistically so) and cherish her. When any of those things are lacking, it's hard to do what the Word says—regard, prefer, or esteem her husband.
My friend's husband isn't protecting, providing, or cherishing his wife like he should because either his mama's needs come first or he doesn't serve as a barrier between his mom and his wife when his mom tries to take jabs. And how can you wanna be close to a man who you don't feel is acting like one?
Protect. Provide. Cherish. If you're struggling with being attracted to your man right now, ask yourself if you feel like he's failing—or flailing—in any of these areas. If he is, that at least can give you a starting point of what you need to share with him—and why.
Is Your Lack of Attraction Physical—or Sexual?
I'm gonna share a double standard that drives me totally up the wall. How is it that when a woman gains weight in a marriage and her husband struggles with remaining physically or sexually attracted to her, he's the ultimate jerk? Oh, but when a man grows a gut and his wife turns up her nose, suddenly the mockery is justified. One of the biggest lessons that marriage teaches you is how to apply the Golden Rule—do unto others as you would have them do until you—on the daily.
That said, let's not act like attraction doesn't also mean "to draw by a physical force causing or tending to cause to approach, adhere, or unite; pull (opposed to repel)". Yeah, something that's unfortunate when it comes to many marriages is, that once two people say "I do", one or both can get a little lazy (idle, sluggish) on the physical appearance front. I honestly can't tell you how many people have said to me, "I've got him now, why do I need to go through all of that effort for?" Umm, because your husband didn't suddenly go blind on his wedding day and also, what about you wanting to look bomb for yourself? Geeze.
And let me bring something up about the lack of sexual attraction too. Someone else in my world has been having issues in her marriage for years because the way she views sex—how she wants to have it when she wants to have it and even why she wants to have it—has evolved over the years. Meanwhile, her husband has remained pretty "sexually stagnant" in a lot of ways because, in his mind, so long as he's got BDE (check out "BDE: Please Let The 'It Needs To Be Huge' Myth Go") and a high sex drive, it should be all good, right? Wrong, sir.
Back when I wrote the article, "8 'Kinds of Sex' All Married Couples Should Put Into Rotation", a part of my motivation was to shout out the fact that marriage comes with a different level of responsibility than "single sex" does. That's because sex isn't to be treated like a "perk" in marriage; it is actually a key and core ingredient in making a committed relationship last (check out "10 Wonderful Reasons Why Consistent Sex In Marriage Is So Important").
This is why it's important to make sure that you go beyond just the "mechanics" of sex when it comes to your partner. Are you both on the same page sexually? Do you have similar needs and expectations? As you both grow and evolve, do you view sex in a different way? Have your changes in hormones or even body image caused you to want different things?
A lot of marriages are struggling out here because sexual attraction has died down and unfortunately, rather than dealing with the issue, they settle for not having sex at all. I say it often and I mean every word—if you are physically able to have sex with your spouse and you're not doing it, your marriage is showing signs of being unhealthy. If you fall into this category, please check out "9 Sex-Related Questions You & Your Partner Should Ask Each Other. Tonight.", then consider having that chat with your partner tonight. You deserve all that comes with marriage—including being physically and sexually attracted to your hubby. Still.
Did You Go into Marriage with an Unrealistic Attraction Expectation?
Marriage is a mirror. I'm a firm believer of that as well. "Mirror" in the sense that it will show you some things about yourself in a way that no other relationship on this planet ever can or ever will. Well, if after pondering all of the things that I've already said, if you don't feel like any of those points apply but you're still like, "Yeah…I'm still not attracted right now, though", ask yourself what your expectations were going in.
Something else that I also oftentimes hear a lot in my sessions is people saying, "I had no idea that marriage was going to be this challenging" or "Somehow, I thought that marriage was going to be a lot easier than this". Make no mistake, choosing the right person makes the relationship a billion times less stressful yet what relationship is always a walk in the park? Shoot, even our relationship with ourselves can wear us out from time to time.
Reflecting on what you expected marriage to be vs. what it is currently like for you can also help you to get to the root of why you're not attracted to your husband at the present.
I mean, if you expected him to be some character out of your favorite movie, you're gonna be disappointed. Or, if you thought that marriage was gonna be just about you and what you want all of the time, you're gonna be pissed. Or, if you're realizing that you are far more selfish because you never considered that marriage was about daily—and I do mean, daily—compromise, you're gonna feel shortchanged. Expectations aren't bad yet it's important to have ones that are realistic. Were yours?
It’s Important to Remember That You Can Oftentimes Get Back to Where You Once Were
I know we just covered a lot of ground yet here's the really good news about all of it—if you were once attracted to your husband, there is a really good chance that you can get back to being attracted again. Because, as you just saw, attraction isn't just some random fleeting notion; once you figure out what attracts you to someone and what has caused you to not be attracted, you can get to the root of the matter and restore what was lost.
I honestly can't tell you, just how many times I have been able to help a couple get, as India.Arie once put it, "Back to the Middle", once they were completely open and honest with each other about what they need in the present and their partner was open to helping to meet them where they are.
Attraction isn't just important in a marriage; it is very necessary. Just remember that attraction is what got you to the "for better or for worse" place in your relationship. It's not impossible to feel that way again. If both of you want it, you can have it. You really can.
Featured image by Shutterstock
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Different puzzle pieces are creating bigger pictures these days. 2024 will mark a milestone on a few different levels, including the release of my third book next June (yay!).
I am also a Professional Certified Coach. My main mission for attaining that particular goal is to use my formal credentials to help people navigate through the sometimes tumultuous waters, both on and offline, when it comes to information about marriage, sex and relationships that is oftentimes misinformation (because "coach" is a word that gets thrown around a lot, oftentimes quite poorly).
I am also still super devoted to helping to bring life into this world as a doula, marriage life coaching will always be my first love (next to writing, of course), a platform that advocates for good Black men is currently in the works and my keystrokes continue to be devoted to HEALTHY over HAPPY in the areas of holistic intimacy, spiritual evolution, purpose manifestation and self-love...because maturity teaches that it's impossible to be happy all of the time when it comes to reaching goals yet healthy is a choice that can be made on a daily basis (amen?).
If you have any PERSONAL QUESTIONS (please do not contact me with any story pitches; that is an *editorial* need), feel free to reach out at missnosipho@gmail.com. A sistah will certainly do what she can. ;)
This article is sponsored by Hulu.
UnPrisonedhas returned for its highly anticipated second season, delving deeper into the complex dynamics of the Alexander family.
The series premiere comes a year after its debut season garnered rave reviews from fans and critics and earned record-breaking ratings for Hulu's Onyx Collective brand. UnPrisoned's success can be attributed to its raw, relatable themes and comedic appeal.
Inspired by creator Tracy McMillan's life, the show follows Paige (Kerry Washington), a therapist and single mother whose life takes an unexpected turn when her father, Edwin (Delroy Lindo) --who was released from prison-- moves in with her and her teenage son, Finn (Faly Rakotohavana).
Throughout UnPrisoned's first season, viewers witnessed how Edwin's incarceration deeply affected Paige's life and relationships. In the series, Paige unpacks her trauma through interactions with her inner child and her online followers. Meanwhile, Edwin is overcoming specific struggles with his own past that led to his life of crime, including a dysfunctional upbringing and his mother's arrest. As the Alexanders attempt to reconcile, new challenges arise.
This new season promises to further explore their unconventional family dynamic. Here are several compelling reasons why season two of UnPrisoned should be on everyone's watchlist.
The Alexander Family Life Is Still In Shambles
UnPrisoned's second season resumes where the series left off, with Paige grappling with the fallout from her troubled therapy practice and Edwin navigating life independently after moving out. Meanwhile, Finn faces his own challenges. The teenager is battling anxiety and seeking information about his father—a topic Paige avoids discussing.
The Alexander Family Are Attending Therapy To Resolve Their Underlying Issues
Amid the chaos in their lives, the Alexander family decides to mend their bond by confronting their past traumas. They seek professional help and attend therapy sessions with a “family radical healing coach,” played by John Stamos, a new cast member. This collective effort aims to unravel the complexities of their shared history and strengthen their relationships.
The process of unraveling each character's internal conflicts and their potential impact on future relationships may clash with Paige's textbook therapy approach. While Paige is used to being in the therapist's seat in both career and family, this forces her into the unfamiliar role of a patient during therapy sessions. This shift would compel her to look in the mirror and try a radically different approach.
The Alexander Family Learned A Big Lesson During A Therapy Session
In therapy, the Alexanders are tasked with addressing their individual traumas to salvage their remaining relationships. One of the family therapist’s eccentric suggestions was an exercise involving a family wrestling match. During this session, Paige faces tough questions about her refusal to share information about Finn's father.
While it's unclear whether this scene is reality or fantasy, the image of the family duking it out in the ring certainly makes for hilarious yet compelling television.
Paige Tries Dating Again Following Failed Relationships
Amid her life's chaos, Paige decides to step back into the dating field. However, her many attempts have left her with mixed results. The dating apps have turned out to be a fail, and an outing with her ex Mal (Marque Richardson), who is also her father's parole officer, doesn’t go quite as expected after he brings an unexpected guest – his new girlfriend.
The situation takes an awkward turn when Mal's new partner learns why the former couple split, partly due to Paige's self-sabotage.
UnPrisoned Is A Perfect Balance Of Comedy And Drama
As a dramedy, UnPrisoned takes a comedic approach to its heavy subjects. The show takes us on a ride with Paige's dating misadventures and navigating a friendship with her ex.
Other lighthearted moments include Edwin's attempts at CPR based on online videos and, of course, the antics of the Alexander family's unconventional new healing coach.
The second season of UnPrisoned is now available on Hulu.
UnPrisoned | Season 2 Trailer | Hulu
Feature image courtesy
Here’s How To Start Running As A Beginner, According To An Expert
As the summer heats up, so does the desire to participate in outdoor activities that keep you moving and connected to others. Among these extracurriculars, running checks all the boxes.
If you look anywhere on TikTok, you might think that just about everyone is running these days. It only takes a few scrolls before you stumble across someone taking their viewers along for 10-mile runs or trading dating apps for run clubs.
Running is beginner-friendly, requires little investment, and offers a number of mental and physical health benefits, so it’s clear why the sport has become the hottest new hobby to participate in. And if you’re one of the countless individuals inspired to lace up your shoes and hit the pavement, you might be looking for a few practical tips to start your own running journey.
"The most important thing you can do for yourself as a runner or someone who's interested in starting to run is being consistent," Ashlee Green, co-founder of RUNGRL, a digital-first community for Black women distance runners, tells xoNecole.
When Green first began her running journey, she recalls never quite seeing herself as a runner “and certainly not an athlete.” It wasn’t until she moved to Chicago and worked for the city’s Nike store that her views on the sport began to expand. “I had a friend who ran, I had access to shoes, I had access to the Lakefront,” which eventually became her personal track.
A move to Washington, D.C., led to her joining a local running club, District Running Collective, which not only solidified running as a core part of her wellness practice but a cornerstone to building community.
“Community is absolutely what helped me to feel like I was an athlete and an actual runner,” she says. “It was through the opportunity to both show up as a community member and, over time, as a community leader, that deepened my commitment to the sport for myself and the impact that it would have on other people.”
Through RUNGRL, Green has since created a supportive environment along with her co-founder that encourages beginners to start where they are, grow in their journey alongside like-minded women, and “ultimately inspire more Black women to get and stay moving.”
To help get your running journey off on the right foot, Green spoke with xoNecole to provide the best tips for building stamina, finding a run club that fits your needs, and becoming the runner you desire to be.
Consistency Is Key.
“I feel like there's this sort of general, societal understanding that running must be easy, but it's not,” she says. “What does help it become easier is when you're consistent and committed to showing up for yourself and the miles on a consistent basis.”
“That doesn't mean you need to be running six or seven days a week. But what it does mean is that you’re committed to twice a week, three times a week, or whatever works for you and your schedule,” she adds. “Move your body and find ways to build up the stamina and the endurance you’re seeking because everybody's journey is different.”
Find an Accountability Partner.
“Having your ‘gworls’ with you makes it a lot easier,” Green says. “Somebody who can go through the experience with you, talk about how you're feeling, and tell you that your hair still looks great even though you're out there sweating. Having friends along the way, I have found, has made the journey better. Everything is better with your girls.”
Set a Personal Goal.
Green tells us, “Signing up for a race or just having an end goal and something to work towards makes it easier to build a plan or establish consistency because you’re working towards something specific.”
“Whether you want to run a mile by a certain day or sign up for this 5k, setting those types of goals helps you to have something to look forward to and work towards.”
Comparison Is the Thief of Joy.
“A lot of the times on the internet, we see success stories and people crossing the finish line, but running hardly ever looks like that all the time,” she says. “Most of the time, it sucks. I don't always physically enjoy the act of running, but what I do enjoy and appreciate, is what it brings and will continue to bring to my life: movement, wellness, community, accountability, and representation.”
“You don't have to compare yourself to the next person — you don't know what they're going through off of Instagram. One foot in front of the other is all that you can control, and that's all that you should feel beholden to in your process.”
Choosing the Best Run Club for You.
Green advises, “Seek out the groups, the clubs, and the crews that are into running for community, accountability, and creating safe spaces for people like us. This particular boom is really interesting, and it's trending around dating and things like that, which, in my opinion, takes away the feelings of safety and showing up because I want to be well and better myself.”
“So seek out groups that are in it for the right reasons as you are in search of your best self,” she adds.
Adopt a Healthy Mindset.
“One of the things that I often tell myself is, ‘You can do hard things.” Another one that RunGurl says all the time, “If you run a mile, you can do anything,” Green says. “One thing that I find myself saying when I’m actively running is, “No matter where you are on the run, you can do anything for 10 minutes. You can do anything for five minutes. You can do anything for however much longer you have to go. It's only a set amount of time left, but I can do it, I can show up for myself, and I will get through it.”
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