Not too long ago, I was having a conversation with some women who said that they were tired of online gender wars when it comes to relationships. I simply said, “It’s not a ‘war’ if what it’s doing is calling people to a state of accountability, and if it’s getting to a point where women are telling men what they need, men are doing the same, and both sides are listening, that can only be beneficial in the long run.”
Sex is not exempt here. Yeah, it really is time out for men and women (in general) thinking that simply showing up, butt naked, is all that’s required for their partner to have, not just a good time but a deeply satisfying one.
That’s why today’s article is all about sex as it relates to men specifically — things they do, things that happen with them, and things that they like. My thought process is that the more we know about them, the more in tune with them (and their needs) we will ultimately be. Ready?
1. Yes, Some Men Fake It
GiphyJust recently, I was talking to a male friend of mine about men faking orgasms. When he told me that he’s done it, more than just a few times before, and I asked him why, he said, “Because a lot of women think they are killin’ it and I don’t want to hurt their feelings.”
It would appear that he’s not alone. Reportedly 1 in 4 men have faked orgasms before due to things like what he said along with not wanting to disappoint their partner if they want to stop sooner or wanting to get things over with for…all kinds of reasons.
I know some of y’all might not want to believe this one but, if some of us can pull off an Oscar-worthy faking it performance, why would we think that some men can’t do the same? Hmm…
2. There Are Three (Physical) Things That Turn Men on the Most
It’s no secret that men are stimulated visually more than just about anything else. However, if you’re wondering what parts of a woman draw them in the most, a popular survey revealed that, hands down, it’s the face, followed by a woman’s butt and then her hair.
When I asked another male friend about the hair thing he said, “Healthy natural hair especially is super sexy. It sends a nurturing message that men are drawn to — whether men realize it or not.” Definitely some food for thought.
Something else that’s fascinating about this survey is it confirms something that a lot of my male doula clients tell me: “I don’t know why women think that we’re hung up on stretch marks and breasts that aren’t as firm as they used to be,” one man told me. “A woman who brought a baby into the world is sexy as hell and a natural body is always for the win!” There you have it. Straight from the source.
3. Men Appreciate Affection More than Some People Think They Do
GiphySomething that comes up in my counseling sessions with couples quite a bit is how much husbands wished their wives would touch on them more — not just sexually either. One husband shared with me, “Just because men, especially Black men, don’t talk about how hard it is out here, that doesn’t mean that it’s not. There’s nothing like coming home and getting my head rubbed, my neck kissed, or having my wife cuddle with me on the couch…especially if she lets me watch something that I actually want to see. We as men want to feel safe sometimes too and touch gives us that. That’s why it’s sad that people assume that ‘physical touch’ just means foreplay. It doesn’t. Even cuddling in bed can meet a need that a conversation can’t.”
He ain’t lyin’. Check out The New York Times piece “The Power of Touch, Especially for Men” when you get a chance. It confirms how much physical touch is king to a man and his intimacy needs.
4. Penises Get Bigger During Fellatio
Honestly, it can’t be said enough that all of the rah-rahing about needing a big penis in order to feel satisfied is borderline ridiculous (yep, I said it). With the average penis being somewhere around 5.5” erect and our most intense vaginal nerves being 2” inside of our vagina, a man who is attentive and smaller in size can get the job done just fine (check out “BDE: Please Let The ‘It Needs To Be Huge’ Myth Go”).
Yet if for some reason, you want to see how big your partner can get, fellatio appears to be the great revealer. Yep, there is plenty of intel out in cyberspace to back the fact that a man’s penis is in its greatest form, size-wise when it’s receiving oral attention. Just one more reason to check out “Do You Swallow? The Unexpected Health Benefits Of Sperm” and then take it seriously. Very seriously.
5. Men Want to Go Down on Women More than They Do
GiphyAlthough there are always going to be some people who will take a hard pass on oral activity (check out “Sooo...What If You HATE Oral?” and “Okay. So, This Is Why Oral Sex Is Probably Not Satisfying You (Fully).”), I will forever die on the hill that you should only be okay with not receiving if you’re not expected to give either. In other words, if you’re with someone like DJ Khaled (the real ones know)…that's a PROBLEM.
That being said, if you’re someone who thinks that most men don’t like partaking in cunnilingus activity, I’d be super curious about what brought you to that conclusion. The men in my world are more than happy to please their partner in that way; plus, there are studies to support this claim as well.
For instance, check out “Study finds straight men want to perform oral sex on their partner more often” whenever you get a chance. Because going down on a woman significantly increases the chances of her experiencing some sort of orgasm, that is a huge part of the reason why men are such a fan. “Because really, Shellie, if she’s not gettin’ hers, why should I feel good about gettin’ mine?” That’s what one of my male friends said to me regarding the topic. If you ain’t got a man on this kind of vibration — sis, what is you doin’?
6. Men Also Reciprocate Oral Sex Less than Women Do
On the other hand, while doing some research on oral sex for another project, I found it interesting that some studies said that men are less likely to reciprocate oral sex. Meaning, if a woman goes down on them first, they will pass more often on returning the favor.
I ran this up the flagpole with a few men in the social media space and the general consensus was what one of them said: “If we’re into you, you’re getting it regardless. If it’s more casual, once we get a nut, oftentimes we just lose interest. Not to mention the fact that we go into sex knowing if going down on a woman is on the menu or not. Plus, it can’t be said enough that if she’s a pro on the head game, sometimes we need some re-up time before returning the favor.” Interesting.
7. Men’s Nipples Are As Sensitive As Women’s Are
GiphyWhile in a session with a married couple who’ve been trying to get out of their current sex rut, something the husband said to his wife was, “I wish you would give my nipples as much attention as I give yours.” He’s got a valid point because the reality is that men have the same nerves, glands, and tissues in their nipples as we women do. So, if nipple play gets you off, it’s a fair assumption that your man will dig it too (you won’t know until/unless you try!).
8. Yes, Men Like It When You Talk Dirty to Them
If you’ve heard somewhere that the brain is the largest sex organ that we have, it’s true. This is a part of the reason why the thought of having sex with one person can be the ultimate turn-off while the thought of doing the same things with someone else can be the ultimate turn-on. And since our brain is where we process words and it’s where our libido comes from, are you really surprised that men like “dirty ones” being said to them?
In Medium’s article, “Why Men Love Dirty Talk? Based On Science,” check this out:
“There are two area in hypothalamus, the preoptic area (involved in mating area) and the superchiasmatic nucleus. Men preoptic area is over two times larger and contains two times more cells than women…”
“Larger hypothalamus for men means more circulating testosterone to stimulate the desire of sex. Men’s brain[s] are also responsible in determining both sex drive and sexual pleasure. This is why dirty talk can be so arousing to man.”
A husband once told me in a session that dirty talk can be a great way to release stress because there is so much that a man has to worry about on a daily basis that dirty talk can be a form of escape. So, if you’re someone who has been minimizing the impact that it can play in your own bedroom — while you should run it past your partner first to confirm how he feels about it — please don’t (minimize, that is).
9. Men’s Views on Kissing Are Kind of All over the Place
GiphyI’ve consistently been talking to people about sex for over two decades at this point and if there’s one thing that continues to ring true, it’s that men prefer to experience long and deep kisses with women they are totally into (emotional connections included). However, I did peep an eHarmony study that said about half of men will have sex with women without kissing (only 10 percent of women would), that kissing is much more important to women and that guys prefer wetter, tongue-thrusting kisses much more than we do (one guy told me that it’s because it mimics sexual intercourse). Oh, and that they will put up with a bad kisser more than we will as well.
Bottom line on this one, ask your partner their thoughts on all of this data. Their answers might surprise you.
10. Men Have a G-Spot Too
If you never knew what the G-spot’s “real name” is, it’s the Grafenberg spot and it’s located 1-1.5” inside of the vaginal opening in the area that faces your belly button. It’s usually described as feeling like a small button or walnut and it’s popular because, when it is stimulated, it triggers strong sexual arousal.
Thing is, men have a G-spot too. It’s basically their prostate which is located within their rectum. While the reason why that spot is so sexually pleasurable is still being “investigated,” the amount of nerve endings that are around that area probably plays a big part. Yep, we’ve actually got an article on this too. Check out “I Found My Man's G Spot And He Almost Lost It” for some additional points (and pointers).
11. There Are Definitely Certain Sex Positions That Men Prefer
GiphySeveral years back, Men’s Health published an article entitled, “What Your Favorite Sex Position Says About You.” I thought it was interesting that it said that while the missionary position is romantic, it’s not very adventurous and that women being on top is more about men caring about pleasing their partner than just about anything else.
However, as far as mass surveys go, are any of us surprised that doggystyle continues to reign supreme as far as positions go (with missionary and cowgirl being in second and third place)? Apparently, the view along with the deep entry make it the perfect go-to every time.
One of my boys (male friends) said that a woman’s legs over a man’s shoulders shouldn’t be overlooked either: “Deeper penetration with a limber woman is always a win in any man’s book. Ask him. Any him.”
12. Men’s Orgasms Last Between 5-20 Seconds
When it comes to women and mountaintop seeing, while it used to be assumed that our orgasms lasted somewhere between 3-15 seconds, it’s now thought to be somewhere between 20 seconds and two freakin’ minutes.
For men, it’s more like between 5-20 seconds which is why some of them actually DON’T prefer to climax with their partner; it’s because, once they are finished, the continual stimulation can go from arousal to uncomfortable (hey, if you’ve ever had a partner try to keep stimulating you for a long time after you’ve had an orgasm, you get just where these guys are coming from!).
13. Men’s Ejaculate Can Really Go the Distance
GiphyHonestly, I didn’t even plan on adding this one until I read an article that reminded me of the scene (from Insecure) when Daniel came into Issa’s eye during fellatio (remember that?). Although I definitely knew that you can get an STI/STD from oral sex (please remember that!), I never even thought about if you can get it from getting ejaculate into your eyes (hmm…). Apparently, the technical term is ejaculation inter conjunctiva, the chances of it giving you an STI/STD are very low although you can get pink eye from the bacteria that may be within your partner’s semen.
And that led me to wonder about what the chances are of this happening on any level (shooting ‘n all). Bottom line, some ejaculate can travel over six feet and move at almost 30 MPH, so…if face action is your thing, always keep all of this in mind.
14. Uncircumcised Men Give More Vaginal Orgasms
I remember seeing a Twitter clapback for the ages that consisted of a woman trying to clown uncircumcised men for having "turtlenecks” while a man showed a diagram of different women’s vaginas that had a variety of skin amounts when it came to their vulvas and clitorises. Yeah, we all need to lay off of teasing people based on how they were born.
Besides, studies actually reveal that if you’re looking to increase your chances of experiencing a vaginal orgasm, you’d be better off with an “uncut” man anyway. That’s because the extra skin tends to stimulate the most intense nerve endings inside of your vagina. Hmph. If you add to that the fact that uncircumcised men typically have more intense orgasms than circumcised ones too — yeah, you might not want to clown one until you’ve actually had one.
15. Blame Science for Why Men Fall Asleep Right After Sex
GiphyThere is one thing that (some) women wish men would do more and another that (some) women wish men would do less — both need to be blamed on science, not men. The first is crying. No, it’s not always or automatically a sign that men need to get more “in touch with themselves” if they don’t cry more often. The reality is that more testosterone and less prolactin in their systems are a huge part of the backstory.
As far as why they don’t want to have a deep conversation or stay up and watch a rom-com after gettin’ it in? The uptick of oxytocin, vasopressin, and (interestingly enough) prolactin following an orgasm all work to lull men to sleep. Also, since sex is a major de-stressor and fear-reducer, it’s easier for men to feel more at ease following sex which is why oftentimes the sleep that they have afterward is what they consider to be some of their favorite.
____
There you have it — 15 things about men when it comes to sex that, now that you know (or have been reminded) could make for some better sex or at least some interesting conversation if you forward this to him. A win in my book either way, chile. Enjoy!
Let’s make things inbox official! Sign up for the xoNecole newsletter for daily love, wellness, career, and exclusive content delivered straight to your inbox.
Featured image by Giphy
Some women have their whole wedding planned out, from the bridal gown and venue to the bridal party and playlist. However, KJ was not one of those people. “I didn’t foresee a wedding in my future,” she reveals. “I was just gonna be the boss chick, rich auntie. I didn’t force love in my life until recently. I never had an idea of what a dream wedding would look like, it was easier for me to elope.”
KJ Smith
Photo by Stanley Babb/ Stanlo Photography
And to many people’s surprise, that was their original plan – until Skyh brought up a valid concern. He was raised by his grandmother and thought she should be at the wedding, and naturally, that led to KJ wanting her grandmother to be there as well – then her mom – and later her sister – and, you’ve gotta invite the besties too, right? From there, the guest list continued to blossom. Much like the updo and pop of color bold red lip, she wore on her special day, which was initially on her Pinterest board as a soft glam look with her hair hanging on her shoulders, KJ is okay with changing her plan if it brings her and her loved ones happiness.
So let’s get into the wedding, which took place in Malibu, CA. The first thing you should know about the celebrity couple is that they’re non-traditional. They know, and they don’t care. So, in true unconventional fashion, they shared the morning of the wedding together.
“I woke up with Skyh, we walked our dog, had black coffee, and said good morning to the people who stayed at the venue with us,” she says.
Now, it was time for hair and makeup. While she was getting glammed up, she had Black-owned McBride Sisters wine and champagne (which ties into The Black Experience theme) on deck with her mom and friends, had her besties help rework her vows, retried on every outfit (sis is very Type-A), took photos, and ended the early-celebration with prayer and meditation. It seems very non-Bridezilla, I said.
“Yeah, I was the most unbothered bride ever. Everyone was just so supportive. As entertainers, we go on red carpets all the time. We actually have a production company,” she explains. “The get-ready process was like a day at work, but with people we love the most. Being entertainers, we didn’t feel stressed at all, but my excitement was so high.”
Things moved quickly, and before she knew it, it was time to line up to walk down the aisle.
“Yeah, I was the most unbothered bride ever. Everyone was just so supportive. As entertainers, we go on red carpets all the time. We actually have a production company. The get-ready process was like a day at work, but with people we love the most. Being entertainers, we didn’t feel stressed at all, but my excitement was so high.”
KJ Smith and her bridal party
Photo by Stanley Babb/ Stanlo Photography
Since everything started with their grandmothers, the couple wanted to ensure they honored them and planned to keep an element of their wedding traditional. Although we’ve all seen the reception videos and photos online, you may have noticed visuals from the wedding itself are harder to find.
“We planned for it to be traditional, but we’re not like that, so we tried to create those moments. We jumped the broom and had a salt ceremony (where the bride and groom individually pour salt into a glass container, symbolizing their lives becoming one.) But honestly, still, nothing was traditional about it.”
She goes on to explain that her mom caught the holy ghost coming down the aisle, her glam team was on deck, and she became so nervous with excitement that she had an anxiety attack – something she struggled with for years, she explains tearfully. Her friends had to literally cheer her down the aisle because of how overwhelmed she felt until she eventually calmed down.
“Skyh was standing there with his hand on his heart; we have our own little language, and I could feel the support,” she shares.
It was surprising to hear all these emotional moments happened before the party we saw online. That is until she once again got into the backstory.
“As a Black woman actress, for so long, it was popular to be mysterious and secretive, but that’s not who I am or what I like. Plus, we both wanted to create an experience for everyone there. We are the people who always host family and friends,” she says. “Like for me, the first order of business was getting sandals for the women so they can dance all night long. We had oxtail, D'ussé, and a coffee and sativa lounge – which is part of Skyh and I’s lifestyle and routine. We wanted to bring them into our world.”
Skyh Black (L) and KJ Smith (R)
Photo by Stanley Babb/ Stanlo Photography
She went on to discuss the dance routine she did for her husband at the reception, which has taken over the internet. Apparently, that’s another thing that didn’t go according to plan. According to KJ, she had promised a performance at their joint bachelor/ bachelorette party, but her outfit got stolen from her car. So, Skyh ended up performing for her – complete with a strip tease. Still, she never forgot her promise to dance for him.
So, she hired her friend as a choreographer, learned the routine, made friends and family watch it endless times, and attended Beyoncé’s Renaissance show a few days before for a confidence boost. It ended up being a show to remember. But that wasn’t all the night offered. Lil Mo performed, and the guests received special goody bags featuring their favorite Black-owned products like journals, hair care, and more.
“We made sure everyone was taken care of all night. That kind of stuff makes us happy. I wanted everyone there to experience the joy and love I have for myself, my partner, and for them. I wanted them to feel full and whole, and they had the time of their lives,” she says.
But naturally, the internet is going to internet, and while there were countless people praising the event and applauding the newlyweds, some thought it was too over the top. I was curious to know her thoughts on some of the criticism.
“It’s cool. We did what we wanted to do. I’ve decided to share my world with people. Just how I went on social media platforms and found inspiration, I want people to do the same,” she explains. “I don’t think it's fair to my supporters not to give that out. There’s so much I wanna share with brides, specifically Black brides. I love that people are adding it to their Pinterest boards."
"I wanted everyone there to experience the joy and love I have for myself, my partner, and for them. I wanted them to feel full and whole, and they had the time of their lives."
KJ Smith
Photo by Stanley Babb/ Stanlo Photography
“I’m happy with it because we did what we wanted to do. They can do what they wanna do. Don’t be cruel, though, because you will get blocked,” she said, laughing.
The more I spoke with her, the more her sense of freedom shined through. People are always going to have their opinions, but at the end of the day, it’s you who has to live your life, and it seems like the couple realizes that and embraces that power. She also stressed the importance of not living for others and the lessons life has taught her.
“I’ve been to countless weddings, and I’ve been in countless weddings. I’m a generally older bride. So when women in my demographic get married, and you and your husband are busy working people like us, you deserve to have the one you want to have,” she shares.
“This is what we wanted to do. Our loved ones love and support us. We did so much to honor them, but we also wanted to start our own tradition, legacy, and creation. I'm not going to be pulled back into ideas of the past when I’m trying to create a future with my partner. “
If you’d like to see more of the couple, you probably won’t have to wait long. Although no content is planned yet, she admits to being an oversharer. “Me being open and transparent about my experiences lets people know it’s okay to have flaws; it makes you human, and for many years, I didn’t believe that was okay. I had pressure to be perfect, and I’d crumble every time,” she explains to xoNecole.
Now, she owns her flaws and uses them as a superpower to connect with her community and feel and express her love.
“Some people give us [Skyh and KJ] a hard time because they say we just seem too perfect. I’m like, why is that a bad thing? I love the people I love. From my man to my mama, to my friends - unabashedly. We move through time and space how we want to move. If we did it another way, we’d let ourselves and our union down.”
Let’s make things inbox official! Sign up for the xoNecole newsletter for daily love, wellness, career, and exclusive content delivered straight to your inbox.
Feature image by Stanley Babb/ Stanlo Photography
