January is all about closing one chapter and preparing for a new one. We begin the year with a little more patience and time needed than usual, with Mars, the planet of action, being retrograde as we enter 2025. With this important transit taking place, we are being reminded that this year is not a race, and the priority right now is about taking more concrete, well-thought-out action on our dreams, and remembering the power of believing in ourselves in the process.
January 2025 Astrology Overview: Key Transits to Watch
Venus, the planet of love, enters Pisces on Jan. 2 until Feb. 4, and Venus loves being in this water sign. Love is a little more magical under this energy, and the dreams you once intended for yourself in relationship matters have all the potential to be seen through right now. A few days later, however, Mars retrograde enters Cancer until Feb. 23, and there is a need to be more patient with your emotional world and that of others. Emotions are running high this month and things can be impulsive or erratic in this energy.
Time with your words and your actions is needed, and it’s time to trust your heart more than your fear or need to control.
January 2025 Astrology Overview
The first Full Moon of the year is happening in Cancer on Jan. 13, and this is the perfect time to say goodbye to what doesn’t serve your heart or your stability in life. If you have been feeling uneasy about a certain area of your life, this Full Moon will help you address that and create space for a new beginning and new foundations.
Aquarius season begins on Jan. 19, and this is the type of energy we need to feel more connected, inspired, and in tune with the universe. This season is bringing a lot of changes, but they are helping people get out of a place of feeling stuck or unsure.
On Jan. 29, we have a New Moon in Aquarius, and it's time to set your intentions not only for the next month but for the year ahead as well. Aquarius is hopeful and believes in the power of thought, so make sure you are focusing your energy on what you want to see come true for you right now. Before the month ends, Uranus goes direct in Taurus, after being retrograde since September, and this is bringing more stability and less disruption to the collective. Uranus now direct in Taurus, facilitates pleasant surprises in love, finances, and the little luxuries of life.
Overall, January is an opportunity to redirect your energy, ask yourself where you want to go from here, and believe in the impossible.
Read for your sun and rising sign below to see what January has in store for you.
ARIES
AriesKyra Jay for xoNecoleJanuary is a time to choose your battles wisely, Aries. You are being reminded to own your integrity and not let anyone take you out of your character right now. With the Sun in your 10th house for most of this month, all eyes are on you right now, and it’s the time to put your best foot forward. Your ruling planet, Mars, has been retrograde for over a month and enters a new area of your life on Jan. 6. This is the time to ask yourself what people nourish or disrupt you and how to protect your energy more.
This is the month to be flexible and to look for solutions rather than challenges. The New Moon at the end of the month on Jan. 29 will be a beautiful awakening for you when you not only feel capable of fulfilling your dreams but supported in doing so after a time of feeling a little strained here. Overall, this month is about not losing the faith you have in yourself or the convictions you have developed.
TAURUS
TaurusKyra Jay for xoNecoleThis is a month of adventure and new beginnings for you, Taurus. Venus, the planet of love, is in your 11th house of magic, and you are manifesting your heart's desires. You are focused on your new beginnings and taking a leap of faith in yourself, and are seeing the success come from the plans you are making now. This is a beautiful month of feeling an opening coming into your life and expanding your mind.
The most significant transit happening in January is Uranus going direct in Taurus on Jan. 2, after being retrograde here since Sept.1, 2024.
Over the past four months, you have been through an inner awakening and have been experiencing some pleasant and unpleasant surprises. You have had to work especially hard on your personal goals and may have felt more upheaval or uneasiness here than you may have liked. With Uranus now direct until September, more uplifting and exciting opportunities are ahead of you now.
GEMINI
GeminiKyra Jay for xoNecoleJanuary is activating your mind and your heart, Gemini. Life is coming full circle for you, and you are entering 2025 with an abundant mindset. You are feeling a little more hopeful and capable right now and are seeing how the things you were once concerned about are playing out for you in positive ways. Mercury moves into your 8th house of abundance on Jan. 8, and as you accept and take on new personal developments, changes, and commitments, you experience a rebirth of prosperity.
Throughout this month, you are being awakened to the connections you seek and the ones you want to continue to nourish in your life. There are people coming together to support you and your efforts, and you are being acknowledged for all you have done. The Full Moon in Cancer mid-month brings financial matters full circle for you, and you are getting your due rewards right now. Overall, you are walking into the year feeling confident, supported, and abundant.
CANCER
CancerKyra Jay for xoNecoleThis is the month to find encouragement, protect what you are building, and not give up on yourself and your aspirations. You are closer to a breakthrough than you know, and this month is the last leg of a race for you, Cancer. Mars goes retrograde in your sign from Jan. 6 until Feb. 23, and you are being forced to allow things to fall into place right now. Your efforts or actions may not stick as quickly as you would like them to during this transit, and this is because you need more time. Mars retrograde in your sign will be helping you readdress your goals, passions, and intentions.
Emotions are running high for you in January, but you have the tools to navigate this energy. The first Full Moon of the year happens in your sign on Jan. 13, signaling a year of closure and healing ahead of you.
Your heart is experiencing a culmination, as you let go of what doesn’t serve your overall well-being, and make more space for what does. It’s time to give yourself a little more love and to give your self-doubts and insecurities a little less of your time. The New Moon happening at the end of the month is the perfect opportunity for you to turn a new page and feel more supported in doing so.
LEO
LeoKyra Jay for xoNecoleJanuary is about taking care of your health and gaining more stability in your life, Leo. You are focused on the foundations that nourish and support you and are spending time with your family, loved ones, body, and priorities. Mars goes direct in your sign on Jan. 6 after being retrograde here since Dec. 6, and after a month of reflection and redirection, you have a better idea of who you are and what you want out of life. The beginning of January is about taking a deep breath, and knowing that the past is now behind you.
The Full Moon mid-month on Jan. 13, is helping you find closure, healing, and inspiration, and is a good time to let a lot of the negativity go. You are getting an opportunity to reflect, forgive, and move on right now, and you are in supportive conditions to do so effectively. The New Moon of the month happens in your sister sign, Aquarius on Jan. 29, bringing love to the forefront and helping you see the big picture of your heart. This is one of the best times of 2025 to set your intentions for love, your relationships, and your emotional world.
VIRGO
VirgoKyra Jay for xoNecoleYou are living in a state of abundance this month, Virgo. January is a time of fulfilling your dreams and feeling a sense of joy and prosperity in your life. You are proving to yourself that your intentions and efforts have been worth it, and you are seeing life come full circle in fortunate ways. The month begins with Venus entering your 7th house from Jan. 2 until Feb. 4, and this is bringing the magic not only into your love life but into your financial world as well.
Major developments are taking place for you as you move through this month, and you have everything you need right now.
The Full Moon on Jan. 13 is a time of seeing previous intentions manifest, and support coming in for you, and when it comes to your friendships in life. You have built a community of love around you, and you get to enjoy more of this connection and abundance now. By the end of the month, Uranus goes direct in your house of expansion and travel after being retrograde here since September, and you are ready to embark on some new adventures as you leave the month.
LIBRA
LibraKyra Jay for xoNecoleLove is coming together for you in January, Libra. You are beginning the month by building new foundations and setting yourself up for the future successes you want to experience this year. Your ruling planet, Venus, moves into your 6th house of health, work, and daily routine as the month begins, and you feel like you have a good head on your shoulders right now. The ideas that are blooming and the initiatives that you are taking are going to fulfill you for some time to come.
With the Sun in your 4th house of foundations for most of the month, you are overall focused on your foundations and your sense of security now. You are thinking long-term and doing what is going to provide you with more safety and personal abundance. The New Moon in Aquarius on Jan. 29 is the perfect time for love, and you are leaving the month with romance surrounding you. As the month comes to an end, have some more fun and let go of some of the seriousness that may have surrounded you in January.
SCORPIO
ScorpioKyra Jay for xoNecoleJanuary is all about moving on and moving forward, Scorpio. You are recognizing where you need to let go a little bit more and what spaces you want to move away from and go more toward. Venus is in your 5th house of self-expression and happiness for most of the month, guiding you towards where your heart feels the most enlightened and nourished and helping you make the necessary changes for a better life.
On Jan. 29, a New Moon occurs, helping you open a new door when it comes to your home life and foundations.
You are gaining a deeper appreciation for the things that make you feel safe and nourished and are creating more of this energy in your life through your commitments and the relationships you are building right now. Some Scorpios could be making a move or experiencing a change of energy in the home right now. Uranus goes direct in your sister sign on the 30th, after being retrograde here since this past summer, and love feels a little more stable and nourishing for you as the month ends.
SAGITTARIUS
SagittariusKyra Jay for xoNecolell eyes are on you this month, Sagittarius. You are being recognized, uplifted, and supported, and this is a month of success. With the Sun in your 2nd house of values, abundance, assets, income, and confidence for most of January, a lot of opportunities are coming into your life to succeed right now. The Full Moon on the 13th is a good time to look at the relationships and commitments in your life that support you and to find more gratitude for these spaces.
By the end of the month, we have a New Moon in your 3rd house of communication, and you are moving into a space of mental well-being, new beginnings, and inspiration. The conversations you are having now are setting you up for success, and you are feeling truly seen this month. Some great opportunities are appearing for you now; remember that you deserve all the good that is ready for you this month.
CAPRICORN
CapricornKyra Jay for xoNecoleYour season is here, and you have a lot to look forward to right now, but also a lot to let go of Capricorn. You have been through a journey as of late, and are taking some time to heal, take care of yourself more, and nourish your heart. With Mars going retrograde in your 7th house of love on Jan. 6 through Feb. 23, you are being forced to address any imbalances you have been feeling in your love life or your close relationships.
Disagreements or conflicts with others are a little more likely now. Try to work through what is worth it for you, and let go of what is not.
Mercury enters your sign from Jan. 8 until Jan. 27, helping you see things a little more clearly in life. Your mental capacity and the developments that are taking place for you here are the highlight of the month for you, as you recognize where some things need to change in your life. On Jan. 13, a Full Moon is happening in your opposite sign, and the love you have in your heart is being reflected back to you now. This Full Moon is about letting go of past pain and emotional patterning and highlighting where in your life you are experiencing the love you are looking for.
AQUARIUS
AquariusKyra Jay for xoNecoleYour intuition is guiding you through this month, Aquarius. There is a lot of activity happening in your sign in January, and you are entering the year with breakthroughs and self-empowerment. With the Sun in your 12th house of closure for most of the month, you have to take some time for reflection and allow things to come to fruition. Pay attention to what your intuition and gut instincts are telling you at this time, as this energy is going to be more prominent and powerful for you in January.
Aquarius Season officially begins on Jan. 19, and it is your time to shine! You are moving forward freely and confidently, and feeling a little less weight on your shoulders after doing the work at the beginning of the month. On Jan. 27, Mercury enters your sign until Feb. 14, and your inner clarity is beaming. You are getting your message across right now, and feeling empowered while doing so. Before the month ends there is a New Moon in your sign on Jan. 29, and this is one of the most magical times of the year for you to manifest. This month overall is about believing in miracles and seeing your dreams and intentions through.
PISCES
PiscesKyra Jay for xoNecoleJanuary is all about finding your balance, Pisces. Your life is taking shape in many ways right now as different levels of your life come into greater balance. With the Sun in your 11th house of hopes and aspirations for most of the month, it’s about thinking of the bigger picture right now and going after the things you dream of for yourself. Venus enters Pisces from Jan. 2 until Feb. 4, and love is blooming for you.
While Venus is in your sign, you are not only feeling the love from others but are giving yourself more of this energy as well. Remember: For you to experience a coming together with others, you must recognize the need for it and give yourself this grace first.
This is a month for receiving a helping hand and for experiencing a coming together that you have been hoping for. The universe is on your side, and you are recognizing that right now. On Jan. 29, there is a New Moon in your 12th house, and you are getting some more rest and reflection as the month ends. With all the activity of the month, by the end of it, you need time to recoup and gain your balance. This month is a good time to write lists of gratitude and lists of intentions and to find your power in the middle of what was and what is to be.
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Anyway, I personally think that the less shallow folks out here may contemplate calling things “quits” or they at least distance themselves a bit from their partner (and what I’m referring to is serious relationships) due to all of the stress and strain that oftentimes comes with the holidays whether it be financial, familial, due to their tight schedules or something else.
Listen, I would hate for you and your man to miss the fun and happiness of experiencing this time of year, all because you are so overwhelmed or irritated that you can’t really enjoy it. That’s why I have a few practical tips for how to avoid allowing the typical holiday season stress from INFECTING your relationship.
Manage Your Expectations
GiphyUnmanaged expectations. If there is a main reason why the holiday season tends to be so stress-filled for so many people, I’d bet good money that this is the cause. And when you’re in a long-term relationship, expectations can manifest themselves in all sorts of cryptic and/or unexpected ways. You might have relatives who assume that you are going to be with them for Thanksgiving or Christmas when you have other plans in mind. You might be thinking that you are going to spend one amount for presents while your man is thinking something totally different. When it comes to scheduling, your signals may be crossed.
And you know what? To all of these scenarios, this is where clear and consistent communication come in. Don’t assume anything. Don’t dictate anything either. From now until New Year’s, mutually decide to check in once a week, just to make sure that you are both on the same page as it relates to the holidays and what you both are thinking will come along with it. The less blindsided you both feel, the less stressed out you will be. Trust me on this.
Set (and Keep) a Budget
GiphyOkay, so I read that last year, 36 percent of Americans incurred some type of holiday-related debt. Hmph. Last year, there was still some sense of normalcy in this country, chile, so I can only imagine what finances are gonna look like over the next several weeks. That said, since I don’t know a lot of people who don’t find being broke stressful, make sure that you and your bae set a budget and then stick to it this year — no ifs, ands or buts.
Because really, y’all — it doesn’t make sense to deplete savings and/or max out credit cards for a few days of giggles only to be damn near losing your mind because you don’t know how to make ends meet come Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. Day.
And by the way, this tip doesn’t just speak to things like food and gifts; I also mean travel. If it doesn’t make a ton of sense (or cents) to be all over the place this year — DON’T BE.
Keep Matthew 5:37 at the Forefront
GiphyIf off the top of your head, you don’t know what Matthew 5:37 says, no worries, here ya go: “But let your ‘Yes’ be ‘Yes,’ and your ‘No,’ ‘No.’ For whatever is more than these is from the evil one.” That verse right there? Oh, it’s a boundaries lifesaver! I say that because do you see “maybe” or “I’ll think about it” in there? Nope. LOL. It says that you should tell people “yes” or “no” and leave it at that — and that complements Anne Lamott’s quote, “’No’ is a complete sentence” impeccably well. Yeah, you’ve got to remember that anything beyond a yes or no to a request is privileged information; you don’t owe anyone details or an explanation.
Besides, if you are really honest with yourself, when someone asks you something and you give a “Umm, let me think about it” kind of reply, more times than not, you already know what your answer is going to be — so why not let you both off of the hook? Give your response. Commit to that. And let everyone (including yourself) get on with their lives and schedules.
I promise you that when it comes to those holiday parties, you are pissing more folks off by not RSVP’ing or doing so and not showing up than just saying, “Thank you but not this year” off the rip.
Remember That Your Personal Space Is Privilege Not a Right
GiphyA friend of mine recently bought a new house and invited me over to come see it. He’s a single man with no children, so as I was taking in all of the space that he had, especially as I walked through his finished basement, I joked about relatives coming to live with him. “Hell no” and “absolutely not” were pretty much his immediate responses as he went on to say that some folks even had the nerve to be offended when he told them that he had no intentions on taking DNA in.
Ain’t it wild how people think that your stuff is their right? And yes, that brings me to my next point. Your home is your sanctuary space. If you want to host folks this year — cool. If not, ALSO COOL. Please don’t let folks (family included) guilt you into how they want you to act or even into what they would do if the shoe was on the other foot. You are not them — and as one of my favorite quotes states, “If two people were exactly alike, one of them would be unnecessary.” (A man by the name Larry Dixon said that.)
Hell, my friends? They know that I am good for sending them random things that they need or even want all throughout the year. Coming over to hang out at my pace, though. Uh-uh. Chalk it up to being a card-carrying member of the ambivert club yet I like keeping my living space personal — and I sleep like a baby, each and every night, for feeling that way.
Always remember that your space, your time, your resources, your energy and shoot, yourself period (including your relationship), are all things that are your own. You get to choose how, when and why you want to share them. The holiday season is certainly no exception.
Cultivate Some “You Two Only” Traditions
GiphyIt’s not uncommon for some couples to hit me up after the holiday season to “detox.” Sometimes it’s due to the financial drama (and sometimes trauma) that they experienced. Sometimes it’s because they allowed their relatives (especially in-laws) to get more into their personal business than they should’ve. More than anything, though, it tends to be because they didn’t get enough quality time together and so ended up feeling “disconnected.”
Please don’t let that happen. Listen, I’m not even a holidays kind of woman and yet, I will absolutely sit myself down with some hot chocolate and chocolate chip cookies to enjoy a Hallmark holiday film or two. Aside from the fact that most of them are lighthearted and sweet, I also like that they usually focus on couples loving on each other amidst all of the holiday beauty and ambiance — which is something that all couples should set aside some time to do.
Maybe it’s a vacation. Maybe it’s a staycation. Or maybe it’s my personal favorite, A SEXCATION. Whether it’s for a few days, the weekend or even overnight — don’t you let the holidays go by without setting aside time for you and your man to celebrate one another. Don’t you dare (check out “Are You Ready To Have Some Very Merry 'Christmas Sex'?”).
GET. SOME. REST.
GiphyI once read that 8 out of 10 people get stressed out over the holidays and 3 out of 10 lose sleep during to it — and when you’re stress-filled and sleep-deprived, that can absolutely lead to hypersensitivity, making mountains out of molehills and even not being in the mood for sex.
Your relationship can’t afford to go through any of this, so definitely make sure to prioritize rest. I don’t care how unrealistic it might seem during this time, sleep should never be seen as a luxury; it will always and forever be a great necessity.
That said, try to get no less than six hours of shut-eye in (check out “6 Fascinating Ways Sex And Sleep Definitely Go Hand In Hand”) and even ask your bae to take a nap with you sometimes (check out “Wanna Have Some Next-Level Sex? Take A Nap, Sis.”). Not only will sleep help to restore your mind, body and spirit but, when it’s with your partner, it’s an act of intimacy that can make you both feel super connected, even in the midst of what might feel like chaos.
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Holiday season stress is real. Still, never give it the permission or power to throw your relationship off. Put you and your man first and let the holidays be what they are gonna be, chile.
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Not to mention the fact that so many folks literally don’t read (you know, past skimming) anymore — and yes, I have stats to prove it. I recently read that back in 2022, reportedly, a little over 48 percent of people read one book over the course of that entire year (that is not a good thing and proves that book reading is on a steady decline). Meanwhile, the amount of time that is spent on social media: 2.5 hours on a daily basis. That’s 150 minutes of listening to folks just say…whatever. And if you listen to it long enough, you could actually start believing it as gospel.
This includes what I am going to touch on today: the belief that if someone really cares about you, they should constantly reassure you. Y’all damn near are gonna have me join the world of social media again, just to address this one fallacy. For now, though, I’ll settle for making some points via this article — because as you can see from the title, I don’t agree with that conclusion at all.
In fact, I personally believe that thinking this way is a pretty big relational orange — if not red — flag.
Reassurance. And What It Does for a Child.
GiphyIf you’ve read enough of my content, you know that I am big on word definitions — and when it comes to the word “reassurance,” the meaning alone explains why this article has the title that it does:
Reassurance: something, such as information, praise, or an action or gesture, that soothes, comforts, or restores to confidence
Reassurance restores confidence. Bookmark that, please. I will certainly circle back to that point before I am done.
Okay, so when it comes to, say a child, there is absolutely a place for reassurance. That’s because they are still in the process of significant self-development and so they need reassurance in order to feel safe, secure and loved. It’s also a way for them to establish trust in others.
However, did you know that many mental health experts say that if a child deals with, say anxiety, constant reassurance can actually be counterproductive because they can start to rely on external validation to emotionally stabilize them instead of learning how to remain calm and relaxed on their own (yeah, bookmark that too)? Some other ways that constant reassurance can become potentially problematic is it can cause kids to create problems that don’t exist, to overthink and to jump to the wrong conclusions (hmm…very interesting).
And so, already, we’re seeing something pretty interesting, right? Although reassurance has its place, too much of it, even for kids, typically ends up doing more harm than good.
Let’s keep building.
How 'Lack' As a Child Can Manifest As an Adult
GiphyOkay, so we just touched on how constant reassurance can be counterproductive for an anxious child. Now what about when that child grows up? If they never learned how to properly and effectively deal with their anxiety, what then? Well, this is where attachment styles can very easily come into play — especially since one of them is literally called “anxious attachment style.”
Anxious attachment style is rooted in insecurity. It typically stems from experiencing the type of dysfunctional upbringing that resulted in one or both parents being unpredictable or inconsistent in their caregiving approach and techniques. As a result, the child deals with things like fear of abandonment or rejection and, without healing from that, they become an adult who is pretty much the exact same way.
In relationships, it can manifest in them being extra clingy, codependent, super jealous, controlling or — catch it — someone who is always looking for validation and reassurance.
Hmph. Did you catch that? Did you really catch that? Needing constant reassurance in a relationship IS NOT something that should automatically come with a relationship. In fact, if you’re someone who has this type of need or even expectation, there’s a really good chance that what you actually need is therapy — not for your partner to work harder to make you feel better about yourself or the relationship.
Which brings me to my next point.
Relationships Can Be Therapeutic. They Aren’t Therapy, Though.
GiphySomething that some of my clients will tell you that they’ve heard me say, more than once I might add is, “PARENT and PARTNER are not palindromes.” A palindrome is a word (line, sentence, etc.) that is the same whether it is spelled backwards or forwards — and while, of course, parent and partner couldn’t qualify as being that, what I mean is there are far too many people who think that partners should pick up where parents left off and/or dropped the ball — and that is a super unhealthy approach to relationships. Come to think of it, not only is it unhealthy but really unfair as well.
This is exactly why I’m not big on phrases like “the princess treatment” in adult relationships. A princess is the daughter of a king while a queen is the wife of one. For a grown woman to expect a man to do what a father did for her as a child without accepting that as an adult, there are far more responsibilities as a wife that comes into play? Yep, that is toxic thinking.
And you know what? So is expecting your partner to overcompensate for where your father and/or mother didn’t show up in the way that they should have. That is not your partner’s fault, their role or their assignment while dating you. If you feel otherwise, it really is time to speak with a professional who can help you to do a bit of “reprogramming” in your thinking because, for you to feel and/or assume that since your parents didn’t make you feel confident and secure or teach you how to value yourself, your partner should work overtime to make up for it? There is not one thing that is healthy, mature or emotionally solid about having that type of mindset.
And that is why I am also good for saying that, although relationships can be therapeutic (healing), they should never EVER be seen as therapy. Therapists are trained to deal with the mental and emotional challenges that people have. On the other hand, no one should expect their partner to have the knowledge and expertise that professionals do — and while we’re here, partners also shouldn’t trust that someone who needs the assistance of a therapist to become whole (again) would know exactly what steps are required for that to happen.
So yeah, if you’re someone who thinks that being loved means that someone needs to constantly make you feel good about yourself or secure in the relationship — you probably do have an anxious attachment style. See a professional to get that confirmed, though. Because no one should have to make you feel valued or worthy. That is an inside job.
And this brings me to my final point.
It’s Not Fair to Want Someone to Love You More than You Do
GiphyFor this last point, something that Christ once said immediately comes to mind:
“No one puts a piece of unshrunk cloth on an old garment; for the patch pulls away from the garment, and the tear is made worse. Nor do they put new wine into old wineskins, or else the wineskins break, the wine is spilled, and the wineskins are ruined. But they put new wine into new wineskins, and both are preserved.” (Matthew 9:16-18 — NKJV)
A lot of times, Christ spoke in parables because it was easier for people to get where he was coming from (Matthew 13:13). Anyway, along these lines, what would be the point in pouring a liquid into a bottle that has a hole in it? It’s not built to contain and maintain the fluid and so, no matter how delicious the drink may be, no matter how many times it’s poured into the bottle, the bottle is never going to remain full — because it has cracks in it.
BOOKMARK THAT.
My fourth baby’s daddy (check out “Why I Named The Children I Aborted”), while we were in the process of our “exit interview” (which is what I choose to call it) of our dynamic, he said something that has always stayed with me: “Shellie, your biggest problem is you receive compliments are revelations when they should be seen as confirmations.” Hmph. The irony of HIM saying that is kind of a trip and yet, at the time when we were experiencing each other, he was exactly right. I should’ve never had such a low sense of self-worth that whatever a man said to me had me so in awe that I either felt extremely grateful or became super addicted to his validation.
And y’all, that is exactly what needing constant reassurance looks like — because why does someone need to keep telling you that you are beautiful, keep saying that you are wonderful, keep letting you know that they want to be with you — keep restoring your confidence in yourself and in your relationship with them?
In other words, why should they work harder at making you feel good about yourself and solid in your relationship than you are willing to? Isn’t that just like pouring liquid into a broken bottle?
There is someone in my family tree who I had to distance myself from because he kept venting to me about his marriage and the fact that his wife was just like this. Sadly, it was never (and I do mean NEVER) enough that he chose her — whenever she felt some type of way about herself, here she came looking for him to fill her voids. After a couple of years of the nonstop needs for reassurance, he was worn out from doing it and I was exhausted from hearing about it. He was too scared to call her out and she was too unaccountable to get the real help that she needed. Whew. Toxic on top of toxic.
So Shellie, what are you saying — that we shouldn’t expect compliments, affirmations, support and encouragement in our relationships? Chile, if that is what you got out of this, you are choosing to think that way because that couldn’t be further from where I am coming from.
Again, you’ve got to remember what reassurance means: it’s about restoring confidence. A compliment is “an expression of praise, commendation, or admiration” yet if you already know that you are pretty, smart, funny, whatever, someone telling you that isn’t “building your confidence;” it’s cosigning on something that you are already aware of. Encouragement is about inspiring or stimulating someone and so yes, of course, the right partner is going to want to see you win in life and so they are going to offer up influence and motivation to help you — but what if they aren’t there?
Shouldn’t you be able to encourage yourself? ABSOLUTELY. However, expecting them to restore your confidence due to things that have nothing to do with them or because you simply lack self-confidence? That is not how relationships are to go. If you aren’t sure of yourself (which is a foundational definition of confident), get to the root of why and then figure what you need to do to become sure — that way, your partner doesn’t have to constantly “fill you up;” actually, what they do will be surplus instead of void-filling because your “bottle” will be unbroken.
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I’m telling you, if you pay attention to the relationship side of socials, at least twice a day, someone will talk about how they think that a relationship should entail receiving constant reassurance. Lies on top of lies. No one should think that love means trying to make someone else feel sure about themselves because they don’t know how to do so on their own.
And this is why I say that expecting constant reassurance is an orange, if not red, flag.
Because when you already feel good about yourself, there is no need.
And if you don’t, figuring out how to is an inside job — FIRST.
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