Several months ago, I checked out the independent film Paper Friends movie. It was about some Black college buddies who decided to reunite for a night on the town. The one who played the role of being "the selfish one"? Her name was London (played by Sharon Leal who, interestingly enough, also played a selfish character in the movie, The Last Christmas and, if we're gonna get real, Why Did I Get Married? too). London was pretentious, liked to flaunt money and was extremely self-absorbed. After about halfway into the film, I came to the conclusion that people dealt with her either because she had something they wanted or purely for nostalgia's sake.
Anyway, as the movie credits rolled, I thought about some of the selfish friends I've had in the past. Boy, short of being betrayed by a friend, I don't know if there is anything worse than trying to maintain some type of relationship with an individual who is, well, what a classic definition of selfish is—"concerned primarily with one's own interests, benefits, welfare, etc., regardless of others". So, why do we put up with it? I think a part of the reason is because we don't know how to handle someone we may like and/or enjoy spending time with who still manages to find a way to make just about everything be about them (or at least they give off the impression that they couldn't care less about you). Ugh. Just ugh.
If you know you've got someone in your life who takes more than gives; never compromises; plays the victim role to avoid responsibility or accountability; has unrealistic expectations (in general); is passive aggressive or even pouts when they don't get their way; is cool ONLY if they are doing better in life than you are; can always dish it out (advice, opinions, etc.) but can't take it to save their life (literally); sucks at listening; doesn't honor your requests or boundaries and/or always expects you to change because, in their eyes, you are the only one who really needs to—I want to dedicate this article to you personally.
Basically, if you're the Issa to a Molly in your life (if you watch Insecure,you get just where I am coming from), here are some tips on how to handle that kind of person while trying to maintain your own sanity in the process.
Ask Yourself: Did I Know They Were Selfish from the Jump?
In relationships, the topic of red flags tends to come up a lot. You know, stuff that you saw, oftentimes at the very beginning that, for whatever reason, you ignored, only for it to take a chunk out of your butt later on. Believe it or not, red flags exist in friendships too. One of the friendships that took me for-e-ver to come to terms with started by seeing them perform. Afterwards, while people were trying to talk to them, they only seemed to give energy to the folks who were basically riding their jock. Like, if someone wanted their autograph or had a compliment, they were all ears. But if someone wanted to share what they had going on in their own world, the person was basically dismissive AF.
Looking back, throughout the years, that's what our friendship looked like, more times than not. So long as it was all about focusing on their life, they had all the time in the world. But if I had a need, it all depended on if they could "fit me in" or not; or worse, if they cared or not. And yes, that is pure Grade A selfishness.
It's also a part of the reason why I wrote the article, "Life Taught Me That True Friendships Are 'Inconvenient'". So, why did I keep this selfish friend around for so long? It's because, while selfish is a trait that they had, there was some good that they also brought to the table. This brings me to my second point.
Jot Down Five of Their Better Qualities
I know everyone is basically coming for Molly's neck these days, but let's not forget that Issa could be pretty selfish too. I mean, was there ever a time when they went out together and Issa covered the tab (or didn't expect Molly to)?! Plus, while Molly has seemed to lack self-awareness and she definitely falls into the "dish it out but can't take it" category, she did drive Issa home to see Lawrence in the middle of the night, only to come back over with some wine to console Issa after Lawrence did Issa dirty (or gave Issa a dish of some karma, based on how you look at it). Molly did offer Issa her crib when Issa moved out of her apartment. People have mixed feelings about Molly not telling Issa that Nathan came by on her 30th birthday, but I can see how Molly thought that she was helping at the time. I could go on and on, but the point is that, if Molly was total trash, I doubt Issa would stick around so long.
That's why, for overall perspective's sake, I think it's a good idea to jot down some of the better qualities that your selfish friend may have. In my case, mine was spiritually supportive. They were intelligent and insightful. We have similar values (other than them being selfish as hell). They could honor confidentiality like nobody's business. And yes, all those things were and are, still very important to me. The reason why it got to the point where their self-absorption outweighed everything else is because, when I would find ways to bring my needs to their attention and they continued to ignore them, their "bad character trait" started to seem more and more like blatant disrespect and who wants to be friends with someone who doesn't respect them? That said, point three.
Ponder How They Are Self-Absorbed and If/How It Is Affecting the Friendship
One of the reasons why a lot of us tend to tolerate a selfish friend far longer than we should is because it's not until we're really in some sort of pinch or bind that we realize, just how much they have a tendency to leave us high and dry. Or, another possibility is that, while they are mad selfish in one way, they might be somewhat accommodating in another. For instance, when it comes to the friend that I've been referring to, something that I recognize is they liked being an emotional caregiver. What I mean by that is, while I was trying to figure out some of my childhood trauma and baggage that resulted in some pretty toxic relationship patterns, they always had a shoulder. But once I got stronger and I was looking for their support when it came to professional achievements, growing platforms and other areas of achievement, somehow, they were always "busy". I started to realize that even their emotional assistance was self-serving; they liked it when they were put in a position of feeling like they could help or "save" me. Soon, I started to realize that it made them feel good when I was feeling bad because then they felt like they had the upper hand.
That's why it's also a good idea to figure out how your friend's self-absorbed ways are directly manifesting in your friendship with them. Are they "mildly" selfish (like maybe they are always late which, yes is also a form of selfishness)? Or are they so selfish that you feel like you are constantly getting the short end of the stick?
The one thing that you should always keep in mind when it comes to your friendships is healthy ones consist of both people meeting each other's needs.
A friend showing up 15 minutes late to a movie sucks, but they did show up. A friend continually not being there for you when you need a favor, you need to talk or you need their help—that is setting you up for being in a dynamic where you are constantly being used and taken for granted, NOT for being in an actual friendship with someone.
Call Them Out from Time to Time
If you just read all of that and now you're heated as all get out, before you go off on your selfish friend, there's an additional point that I must make. Again, selfish people are self-absorbed. This means that they devoted way more of their time into what they want, what they need and how they feel than just about anyone else. This means that sometimes what you desire from them ends up slipping through the cracks. It's not always or necessarily because they don't care about you; it's just that they care about their own selves more. So, if you do feel like there is enough about the friendship that is worth, at least trying to preserve it, it can't hurt to bring up what your feelings and concerns are to them. If they value you, beyond what you can do for them (some of y'all will catch that later), they will take note and try and step outside of their "me bubble". Be patient during this process. Old habits can be hard to break; especially selfish-related ones.
Require Reciprocity
Reciprocity. It's one of my favorite words and I will never apologize for it. Real talk, if it had been a part of my everyday vocabulary in high school, I probably could've avoided a lot of the relational bullshishery that I've experienced over the years. That said, reciprocity is about there being a mutual exchange between two individuals. When you've got a selfish friend in your life, reciprocity is going to come off like a foreign word to them, but you know what they say—"Never apologize for having high standards. People who really want to be in your life will rise up to meet them." Hey, if your selfish friend is so caught up in themselves that their actions give the impression that they could take or leave you, release them. Make room for people who know that reciprocity is a given in healthy relationships. Let the selfish friend be their own friend. Hmph. Wish them luck with that while you're at it too.
Want more stories like this? Sign up for our newsletter here and check out the related reads below:
Allow These Things To Happen Before Calling Someone "Friend"
10 Signs You've Got A Close (TOXIC) Friend
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A big part of the clarity that is coming through this month is due to Neptune going direct in Pisces on December 10, after being retrograde here since July. With Neptune now direct, we are able to see our inspiration and creativity a little more clearly, providing the perfect energy for dreams and manifestation to be built upon. The smoke is clearing, and it’s up to you to decide what you want to do with this newfound clarity that this transit is bringing. Mercury also moves back into Sagittarius on December 11, which is great for communication and clarity, and the adventures you were trying to see through at the beginning of November come around for you again with greater purpose and support.
On December 15, Mars enters Capricorn until the end of January 2026, and this is the extra push we need to make important changes and to be on the path towards greater abundance, stability, and prosperity. Mars in Capricorn takes care of business, and we have extra energy at our disposal during this time to do so. This transit is an ideal time to focus on your career or financial goals for next year and to start putting some of these plans into motion now. A few days later, we have the New Moon of the month, which will be in Sagittarius on December 19, and this is the perfect New Moon to manifest.
The energy is high, magic is in the air, and it’s all about moving forward with the new beginnings that are inspiring you and bringing you joy to think about right now.
Capricorn Season officially begins on December 21, and this earth sign energy is how we heal, gain closure, and build new foundations in our world. With Venus also moving into a Capricorn a few days later, there is something about peace, prosperity, and security that we are gaining in life and in love as we close out the year, and this is what we need right now. This month is about reflecting on what was, letting go of old hurt, and renewing. December is an ending and a new beginning in one, and there is magic in this space to be created.
Read for your sun and rising sign below to see what December 2025 has in store for you.
AriesKyra Jay for xoNecoleARIES
December is a full-circle moment for you, Aries. You are seeing the gifts in your world and have a lot of gratitude for the way things have come about for you as of late. There are culminations in your world that are providing you with more abundance, stability, and community, and you are exactly where you are meant to be this month. With the Sun in a fellow fire sign and in your 9th house of travel for most of the month, December is a good time to get out of your comfort zone, explore the world around you, and get your body moving.
Mars, your ruling planet, also makes a change and moves into Capricorn on December 15, which will fuel your inspiration and power in your career space. You are making a lot of professional progress as we close out the year; however, make sure to be more mindful of your competitive drive right now. The New Moon on December 19 is the perfect opportunity for you to create some new plans and goals when it comes to traveling, education, and where you want to gain some new inspiration in your world. Overall, this is a month of things coming together for you serendipitously.
TaurusKyra Jay for xoNecoleTAURUS
December is about trusting your intuition, Taurus. You have a lot on your mind this month, and it’s best to delegate, communicate, and allow yourself some relief by opening up to someone and not feeling like you have to hold everything in. As we begin the month, we have a Supermoon in Gemini happening in your house of income, and the plans and projects you have been building here come to fruition for you now. This is the time to gain clarity on your financial world and to take a look at what spending habits you want to let go of here as well.
With Venus in your 8th house of shared resources for most of the month, you are doing a cleanse on your commitments, partnerships, and business ventures. You are taking a look at what you want to dedicate yourself to in the future, and what commitments you may need to let go of now in order to be in the space you truly want to be, both financially and within some of your relationship dynamics. Before we end the month, we have a New Moon in this same area of your chart, and it’s time to look at the opportunities that are presenting themselves and to trust your internal guidance system to lead you forward.
GeminiKyra Jay for xoNecoleGEMINI
You are moving forward fearlessly this month, Gemini. December is your month of love, passion, and dignity, and you are owning the light that you shine. We begin the month with the last Supermoon of the year, happening in your sign, and you are stepping up to the plate. You are showing up, owning how much you have grown this year, and allowing yourself to heal while also acknowledging that you have done your best and you deserve to have fun in the midst of the changes you are creating.
Mercury, your ruling planet, is officially out of retrograde, and you can use this energy to the fullest potential now. With Mercury in your 7th house of love, it’s time to speak from the heart and to talk about the things that matter and that are inspiring you right now to your loved ones. You never know what kind of epiphanies you may have when you open up the conversation to others. Before the month ends, you have a New Moon in this same love area of your chart, and this New Moon is all about manifesting romance, commitment, and abundance in your world.
CancerKyra Jay for xoNecoleCANCER
December is an opening for more love, more joy, and more freedom in your life, Cancer. You have come to a place where you hold so much gratitude in your heart for where you are today and where your heart is shining, and things come together for you with more ease right now. With the Sun in your 6th house of health, work, and daily routines for most of the month, you are getting your ducks in a row while also putting more energy and effort into taking care of yourself, your priorities, and your well-being. This month surprises you in many ways, and it’s because you are showing up.
Mars and Venus both move into your house of love, relationships, marriage, and abundance this month, and you are making strides in your love life. You have both of these opposing forces on your side and are being recognized for the love you are while also receiving the love you want. This month, overall, is about focusing more on the positives in your world and letting your heart have its joy. Before December comes to an end, there is a New Moon in Sagittarius, and this is the perfect opportunity to create the plans you want to see through next year, especially when it comes to your work life, colleagues, business ventures, and health.
LeoKyra Jay for xoNecoleLEO
The scales of karma are balancing, and they are balancing in your favor this month, Leo. December is your month of truth, and of seeing it clearly in your world. The Sun is in your house of romance, pleasure, and happiness for most of the month, and it’s time to relax, be in the present moment, and allow what is meant to be, to be. With a Supermoon in your 11th house of manifestation as December begins, this is a powerful month for seeing your dreams come to fruition, and for feeling like the intentions you have set this year are finally here for you now.
Mars also moves into your 6th house mid-month, and this is the perfect energy to have to move into the new year. You have extra energy at your disposal right now and are feeling fearless with what is possible for you and your daily routine. Before the month ends, we also have a New Moon in a fellow fire sign, Sagittarius, and this is a breakthrough moment for you and your heart. December, overall, wants to show you how loved and supported you are and will be doing so in magical, unexpected, and concrete ways.
VirgoKyra Jay for xoNecoleVIRGO
December is a month of victory, Virgo. You are showing up and experiencing some new successes in your world that move you forward on your path in life. With a Supermoon in your 10th house of career as we begin the month, the effort and intentions you have made this year come into full bloom, and you are being recognized for who you are and the good work you have done. This month is all about showing up and allowing yourself to be seen and loved, knowing that you deserve the support and opportunities you are receiving.
Mars moves into Capricorn on December 15, which brings the passion and excitement into your love life, hobbies, and little pleasures in life that light you up. You want to have fun this month and are going to be walking into the new year with this fearless, happy, and spontaneous energy within you. Before the month ends, Venus also enters Capricorn, and in this same area of your chart, you have a lot to look forward to and believe in right now. Overall, December wants you to be happy and will be doing everything possible to make that happen for you. This is your month to shine, Virgo.
LibraKyra Jay for xoNecoleLIBRA
December is a month of opportunity for you, Libra. New doors open, and you are financially making breakthroughs this month because of it. December begins with a Supermoon in your 9th house, and you are getting a clearer view of where you have been making strides in your life and how it has all brought you here to this present moment of freedom. This month is showing you what happens when you are fearless with your purpose and when you believe in yourself and what you are worthy of.
Moving further into December, Mars moves into your 4th house of home and family mid-month, and you are closing out the year in your safe spaces. You are spending more time with your loved ones and taking the time to quiet your mind and listen to what your heart has been telling you. Before the month ends, we have a New Moon in Sagittarius, happening in an area of your life that deals with communication. This is a great time for getting the answers you have been looking for and for feeling more clear-headed and confident about the decisions you are making as you move into the new year.
ScorpioKyra Jay for xoNecoleSCORPIO
Patience is a virtue this month, Scorpio. December is all about remaining patient and vigilant with what you are creating in your world, and knowing that the universe has your back. It’s time to be reminded of the power of hope, and this month is an opening to greater clarity in your life. There is a lot of energy in your financial zones right now, and this is providing you with new opportunities and new insight; however, the speed at which things come about for you may feel daunting. Keep your head up and eyes focused on what you want and know that you are more than worthy of receiving it.
With Mercury in your 2nd house of income this month, December is a good time to plant new seeds and to think about where you want to be financially a month from now or even a year. This month is asking you to think bigger and to think more long-term so that you can set the appropriate plans into motion now. We also have a New Moon in your house of income before the month ends, and this is when you will see more of your dreams come to fruition in this area of your life, and have more opportunities to build. Overall, December will be teaching you a lot, Scorpio.
SagittariusKyra Jay for xoNecoleSAGITTARIUS
Sagittarius Season is here, and there is a lot in store for you this month, Sag. December is all about what you are dedicating yourself to. It’s about setting your intentions and putting the work in to back up your dreams, and about getting things in order so that when the new beginnings come, you are ready for them. The Sun and Venus are in your sign for most of this month, and there are a lot of eyes on you right now. You have the potential to create a new beginning for yourself, and it’s time to invest in yourself, your love life, and your dreams.
Mercury moves into Sagittarius on December 11, and this is giving you another opportunity to see through some of the plans that you had initiated in November. Mercury was retrograde in your sign last month, and there may have been some disruptions to your vision and plans for the future, and now this energy is turning around for you. Before the month ends, we also have a New Moon in Sagittarius, and you are walking through new doors fearlessly. You are catching others by surprise by your growth this month, and you are thinking a lot about your purpose, future, and plans for the new year.
CapricornKyra Jay for xoNecoleCAPRICORN
December is all about the vision, Capricorn. You are moving through a lot of changes and transformations this month, yet they are giving you a chance at a new beginning in the process. You are focused more on the future and what goals you want to manifest for yourself right now, and are ready to let go of what hasn’t been working for you. With the Sun in your 12th house of closure for most of December, this is your time for healing, but remember, healing doesn’t have to be isolating or boring; you can thrive while you renew, and you are this month.
Mid-month, the excitement picks up for you, and you are feeling more energized than you have in a while. Mars moves into Capricorn until the end of January 2026, and you are being proactive with your goals, intentions, and passions. You are a force to be reckoned with this month, and you are making things happen for yourself with confidence. Capricorn Season officially begins on December 21 this year, and this is definitely speeding up your healing process. You are breaking free from what was, and with Venus also moving into Capricorn before the month ends, you are leaving this year in high spirits and with love opening a new door for you.
AquariusKyra Jay for xoNecoleAQUARIUS
December is all about community, creativity, and manifestation, Aquarius. This is the month to work together with others to help bring your dreams to life. You are in a space of inspiration, empowerment, and beauty, and are creating more of this energy around you and in your world. Look out for what support comes your way this month and know that you don’t have to do everything alone to succeed. With the Sun in your 11th house of manifestation and friendship, your intentions are coming to fruition, and it’s time to celebrate with the people you love and to own how far you have come this year.
On December 19, we have a New Moon in Sagittarius, lighting up your life in all of the best ways possible. This is your New Moon of freedom, victory, and magic, and you are seeing new beginnings appear that you were once just hoping for. Before the month comes to an end, Venus moves into your 12th house of closure, and after an active and successful month, you are ready to relax, heal, and give your heart some of the attention it has been asking for. You are moving into the new year with the need to release and renew what hasn’t been working in your relationships, and you are finally ready to.
PiscesKyra Jay for xoNecolePISCES
December is a big month for you, Pisces. You are making some huge accomplishments this month, and are feeling like everything you have been through this year has been worth it for these moments that are coming to fruition for you now. The Sun is in your 10th house of career and reputation for most of the month, and this is where a lot of your focus is right now. You are claiming your successes and putting yourself out there in ways that not only serve you, but that inspire others as well.
Neptune officially goes direct on December 10, after being retrograde in your sign since July, and you are finally seeing things a little more clearly. You are feeling renewed inspiration and passion in your life, and your intuition is your strongest asset right now. Before December comes to an end, we also have a New Moon in your 10th house of career, and what happens now not only changes things for you in the present, but it also opens new doors and what is possible for you in the new year as well. Overall, you are on top of your game this month and are owning the joy and empowerment you feel.
Featured image by Kyra Jay for xoNecole
