I don’t usually splurge or impulse shop. I’m happy to wear the same clothes until they’re no longer in good condition, and I cook my food at home more days than not. But, girl, if you tell me you want to travel somewhere, the cards are OUT!
One day, I was scrolling on Instagram when I saw a beautiful Reel about Strasbourg, France, during Christmastime. Then I saw another one and another one. So I sent one to my good friend, who said that was her DREAM Christmas destination. SAY LESS, SIS! Within 72 hours, the whole trip was booked. Flights, transportation, lodging, you name it.
We landed in Lyon on Thursday before heading to Strasbourg and were instantly charmed by the classic French façades and smiley locals. We had an amazing first night enjoying the Festival of Lights all through the city.
Fresh off an amazing first evening, we headed to Strasbourg on Friday in a BlaBlaCar (a ride-share system in Europe) with two friendly local women who gave us tons of expert recommendations on what to do, see, and eat in Strasbourg.
They dropped us off in the center, and our faces lit up. The town was decked out in Christmas decor from head to toe, and the streets were buzzing with folks clambering around stalls selling Christmas decorations, hot drinks, and other artisan knick-knacks. They don’t call it Europe’s Christmas Capital for nothing!
We rushed to our Airbnb to put our bags down and start exploring, and that’s when everything went south.
Photo courtesy of Ambar Mejia
Sleep Tight, Don’t Let The Bed Bugs Bite
I always check my lodgings before settling in because I’ve walked into hotel rooms that haven’t properly been cleaned or other situations where I haven’t felt safe enough to stay.
So we looked around the Airbnb to make sure everything was okay when I heard my friend say, “I see something moving on the sheets.” “Are you messing with me?” I responded.
I double-checked, and my heart sank. “I see it too, fuck.”
“There’s another one on this side, too.”
“Damn,” I said, “I just spotted a third.”
“We can’t stay here.” We grabbed all of our stuff and ran for the nearest cafe to strategize where we were going to stay. Only one major problem: Everything in town was booked.
Enrique, Our Christmas Angel
We looked all around Strasbourg and even at nearby towns and villages. Booked. Booked. Booked. We even started considering taking a train to a nearby town in Switzerland or Germany, which had affordable lodgings available and were only about one hour away by train.
But we still had a bus back to Lyon early Sunday morning to consider and felt going to another country would derail our whole trip to see the Christmas Capital of Europe.
I checked Booking.com for just one night instead of two, and there were three options. But every time I’d make a booking it would immediately cancel because they weren’t ACTUALLY available. Now I had over $1K in holds on my account and nowhere to stay when finally our last attempt went through.
Phew! “At least we have somewhere to stay tonight, and we can figure out what to do about tomorrow.”
We showed up at the hotel to hear the receptionist getting an ear-shattering lashing from a livid guest. Needless to say, Enrique looked like he was having a worse evening than we were.
Photo courtesy of Ambar Mejia
When we tried to check in, he said, “I’m sorry, but that booking shouldn’t have gone through on Booking.com. We are full.” I wished I was one of those people who could go into a rage. I wished I could throw an adult tantrum until I got my way, but I’ve never been capable of raising my voice. And I was one more round of bad news away from tears.
“Please, sir, we are in a desperate situation. We are two young women with nowhere to stay tonight. Our Airbnb was canceled, it’s close to freezing temperatures outside, and if we don’t figure something out, we are going to sleep on that bench outside. If there’s anything you can do, we would really appreciate it.”
He melted, “Okay, let me see what I can do.”
It took hours. And as each minute passed, even our options of going to Switzerland or Germany were off the table. The last trains had left.
We heard him clacking away on the computer between stressed sighs, and I hoped he would at least be kind enough to let us sit in the lobby all night where it was warm.
Close to midnight, he came over with two mugs of warm cocoa and cookies, and said, “I have a room for you.” I felt so much relief the tears just started rolling down my face.
Gratitude (And Hot Wine) Is The Best Medicine
The next morning, we tried to make the best of it. Between calls to our host and Airbnb customer service, it felt like our minds were still tied up in resolving our situation.
But we were still alive and well. We were fortunate to have had the money to resolve the situation even after multiple holds. And we were so grateful for Enrique’s kindness.
We just wanted to shake it off and enjoy our girls’ trip.
We took a train to Colmar as we had originally planned. The town and its nearby villages inspired the village in Beauty and the Beast, and there was a Christmas market down every quaint, cobblestoned street. It was hard to continue sulking while surrounded by so much Christmas cheer. (The multiple cups of mulled wine didn’t hurt either.)
After a few hours, we returned to Strasbourg to check out the Christmas markets. With no lodgings available in the city, we decided to take an overnight bus back to Lyon and cut our trip short.
It Got Worse Before It Got Better
More back-and-forth calls to our host and Airbnb, getting soaked at a bus station with no indoor waiting area, freezing temperatures, delayed buses, and midnight bus transfers where the only thing open for shelter was a rock and roll bar and rats. Trust and believe we were ready to go home!
Photo courtesy of Ambar Mejia
Life Is A Box Of Chocolates But It’s Also What You Make It
There were so many times on this trip that I just broke out into hysterical laughter because, with all the chaos of the trip, I was left thinking, what is this a sitcom? Did I somehow end up on the set of Eurotrip 2? Am I really in a rock and roll bar at 1 a.m. singing "Wonderwall" by Oasis in exchange for shelter?
But with every round of setbacks comes an opportunity for reflection, and here are mine:
1. Airbnb might not be the best choice during busy times, especially in smaller cities with fewer options. While we selected accommodations with a Super Host and everyone was responsive, it took three days to initiate a refund, it will take longer to hit my account, and they didn’t necessarily help find us other accommodations. At least with a hotel, there is someone onsite to help you immediately.
2. Always, and I mean always, have wiggle room in your budget or credit cards for things to go wrong. If we had waited for Airbnb to find us a solution, we could’ve been stranded for days. I joked that 25-year-old me would’ve just had the energy to party for two days straight and not sleep, but I was so grateful 31-year-old me had the money to make sure I was safe and could get a good night’s rest.
3. Strasbourg was ripping at the seams with tourists visiting the markets. You could barely get through the markets without standing in a pedestrian traffic jam—even with the rain! It felt like being at an American theme park during spring break.
If I had to do it again, I would fly into Switzerland, rent a car, and drive into Strasbourg in the middle of the week instead of a weekend. Then you could also take time to see the Christmas markets in nearby villages, which I thought were less crowded, more enjoyable, and so adorable.
Photo courtesy of Ambar Mejia
You Catch More Flies With Honey
While previously in my story, I wished I could go into a rage on everyone, like the woman at reception, I think kindness, being respectful, and keeping a cool head saved us.
Enrique could’ve turned us away. The Airbnb host initially suggested we were wrong and that it was a different kind of bug we found, not bed bugs. She is a Super Host, and this is her business. She could get shut down, and I get that. But we had no incentive to fabricate this.
In both situations, we remained respectful, expressed ourselves calmly, and reinforced what we wanted. And in both situations, we were able to get the resolution we needed.
So, if you’re also the kind of person who struggles to raise your voice and feels that sometimes makes you feel unheard, this is your reminder (and mine) that softness is powerful too.
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Feature image courtesy of Ambar Mejia
Originally published on December 25, 2023
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Let me start this off by saying that of course, to a certain extent, the answer is subjective because it’s mostly opinion-rather-than-fact driven. However, I personally think that sex is hella impactful, which is why I hope that my personal breakdown will at least cause you to want to think about what you do, who you do it with, and why, more than you may have in the past.
Because although, at the end of the day, the physical aspects of making love, having sex, and f-cking are very similar, you’d be amazed by how drastically different they are in other ways…at the very same time.
Making Love
GiphyBack when I wrote my first book, I wasn’t even 30 at the time and still, one of the things that I said in it is, I pretty much can’t stand the term “make love.” Way back then, I stated that sex between two people who truly love each other and are committed for the long haul, when it comes to what they do in the bedroom, it’s so much more about CELEBRATING love than MAKING it. To make means “to produce” or “to bring into existence;” to celebrate means “to commemorate,” “to perform” or “to have or participate in a party, drinking spree, or uninhibited good time.”
The act of sex, standing alone? It can’t make love happen and honestly, believing otherwise is how a lot of people find themselves getting…got.
What do I mean? Tell me how in the world, you meet a guy, talk to him for a few weeks, don’t even know his middle name or where he was born and yet somehow, you choose to call the first time you have sex with him (under those conditions) “making love.” You don’t love him. You don’t know him well enough to love him. He doesn’t love you either (for the same reason). And yet you’re making love? How sway? Oh, but let that sex be bomb and those oxytocin highs might have you tempted to think that’s what’s happening — and that is emotionally dangerous. And yes, I mean, literally.
If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times before, that one of the reasons why I like that the Bible defines sex between a husband and his wife is by using the word “know” (Genesis 4:1) is because, well, I think that is what celebrating love is all about — we know each other well enough to know that we love each other, we know each other well enough to know that we aren’t going anywhere, and that knowing is what makes us want to celebrate that union by getting as close to one another and bringing as much physical pleasure to each other as we possibly can…as often as absolutely possible.
To me, that is what the peak of physical intimacy is all about — and the people who choose to use the term “make love,” it should be seen through this type of lens. When this type of mental and emotional bond comes together via each other’s bodies, they are amplifying love, enjoying love, embracing love.
Making it, though? Chile, the love has already been made. Sex is just the icing on the cake.
Having Sex
GiphyA few nights ago, I found myself rewatching this movie called Four of Hearts (which you can currently view on yep, you guessed it: Tubi). It’s about two married couples — one that is in an open marriage and another that isn’t although they somehow thought that sharing a night with the other couple would be a good idea (chile). Anyway, as one of the partners found themselves getting low-key sprung, the one they fell for said in one of the scenes, “It wasn’t a connection. It was just sex.” JUST. SEX.
Listen, when you decide to let a man put an entire part of his body inside of you at the risk of potentially getting an STI/STD or pregnant (because no form of birth control is 100 percent except for abstinence), it can never be “just sex” (somebody really needed to hear that too). At the same time, though, I got the character’s point because, if one or both people do not love each other or even deeply care for one another and/or sex is treated as an activity more than an act to establish a worthwhile connection and/or you and the person you are sleeping with have not really discussed what you are expecting from sex besides the act itself — you’re definitely not making/celebrating love.
Not by a long shot. What can make things get a bit complicated, though, is you’re doing the same act that “love makers” do without the same mental and emotional ties…or (sometimes) expectations.
You know, back when I decided to put all of my business out there via the piece “14 Lessons I've Learned From 14 Sex Partners,” now more than ever, I am quite clear that most of those guys fell into the “having sex” category. I wasn’t in the type of relationship with them where “making love” even made sense; however, because I was friends with most of them, we weren’t exactly f-cking (which I will get to in just a moment) either. We had a connection of some sort for the bedroom yet not enough to be together in the other rooms of the house.
We were really attracted and curious, so we decided to act on that. Oftentimes, the sex was good and so we rationalized that “having sex” was enough because if the friendship was, eh, “sound enough”, that we could justify the physical pleasure.
And y’all, that’s kind of what having sex is — it’s the limbo (or purgatory, depending on your situation) between making love and f-cking. The thing about limbo ish is it’s a lot like something being lukewarm: it’s not really one thing or another which means that it can completely blindside you, if you’re not careful (and totally honest with yourself as well as your partner(s)).
So, if you are contemplating having sex, I really — REALLY — recommend that you figure out how you feel, what you want (outside of the act itself) and if you are prepared for what “not quites” can bring. My mother used to say that the consequences of sex don’t change just because the circumstances do — and there is some solid “wow” to that, if you really stop to think about it.
GiphyAnd finally, f-ck. Although most experts on the word (and yes, there are some) agree that its origin is rooted somewhere within the German language (although some say that it might’ve come from Middle English words like fyke or fike which mean “to move about restlessly” or the Norwegian word fukka which means “to copulate”), you might have also heard that it is an acronym that once stood for “Fornication Under Consent of the King”; and there is actually some data that is connected to that as well.
Legend has it that way back in the day, in order to keep reproduction rates where a particular king wanted them to be, he would instruct his residents to have sex with each other — whether they were married or not (hence, the word “fornication” being in the acronym). However, because sex outside of marriage was taken far more seriously at the time, residents had to apply for a permit to participate so that the king could determine if things like their occupation and lineage would prove to be beneficial for the kingdom overall. F-ck: no love; just necessity. And although some believe this to be more myth than fact, what is certain is it was only over time that f-ck was seen as a profane/swear/cuss word — a word that was perceived to be so offensive, in fact, that between the years 1795-1965, it didn’t even appear in dictionaries.
Personally, when I think of this four-letter word, the first thing that actually comes to my mind is animals. Take a dog being in heat, for instance. That’s basically when a female dog is ovulating and wants to have sex the most. It’s not because they are “in love” with another dog; they are simply doing what instinctively comes to them — and since animals do not reason or feel at the same capacity that humans do, although they science says that many of them do experience pleasure when they engage in their version of sexual activity, it’s not nearly as layered or even profound as what we experience.
Let’s keep going. Another reason why f-cking makes me think of animals is due to the doggy style position. Hear me out. Ain’t it wild how, most of us pretty much know that the term comes from how dogs have sex, even though most animals have sex that same way — and think about it: Doggy style doesn’t consist of making eye contact or kissing while having intercourse. It’s “hitting from behind” without much emotional energy or effort at all. Just how animals do it. And so, yeah, f-cking does seem to be more about pure animal — or in our case, mammal — instinct. I don’t need to feel anything for someone, so long as the sexual desire is there. Hmph.
Something else that I find to be interesting about f-cking is how dictionaries choose to define it. Many of them are going to provide you with two definitions: “to have sexual intercourse with” and “to treat unfairly or harshly (usually followed by over)” and that definitely makes me think of another term — casual sex and words that define casual like apathetic, careless and without serious or definite intention. So, the dictionary says that while f-cking is about having sexual intercourse — just like making love and having sex is — it goes a step further and says that it can include being treated unfairly or harshly.
And although that can make you think of assault on the surface, for sure — sometimes being treated unfairly or harshly is simply feeling like someone had sex AT you and not really WITH you; instinct (i.e., getting off) and that’s about it. Yeah, the way this puzzle is coming together, f-cking seems to be more about lust and self and not much else.
Now That You Know the Difference, What to Keep in Mind
Y’all, this is definitely the kind of topic that I could expound on until each and every cow comes home. That said, here’s hoping that I provided enough perspective on each act to close this out by encouraging you to keep the following three things to keep in mind:
1. Before you engage in copulation, be honest with yourself about what you’re ACTUALLY doing — and that your partner agrees with you. You know, they say that our brain is our biggest sex organ and honestly, breaking down the differences between making love, having sex and f-cking helps to prove that fact. I say that because, although the sex act itself is pretty much the same across the board, you and your partner’s mindset can make the experience completely different. That said, if you think that you are making love and they think y’all are just having sex — stuff can get pretty dicey. Bottom line: communicate in the bedroom before attempting to connect outside of it. It’s always worth it when you do.
2. Yes, you can feel one way and do something else. I can just about guess what some of y’all are on: Shellie, we can love our partner and still just want to f-ck. If what you are saying is you can emotionally love someone and physically lust them and want to act sometimes on the lust without really factoring in the love — yes, I agree. Doggy style continues to be a favorite sex position for people, in general, and I’m more than confident that many of the participants polled are in a serious relationship. However, having lust-filled sex with someone who you know loves you is vastly different than doing it with someone who you have no clue what they think about you or you barely know at all. Y’all, please just make sure that you know…what you should know. Sex is too amazing to have a lot of regret after it.
3. Have realistic expectations about sex. Listen, so much of my life consists of writing and talking about sex that I will be the first one to say that it deserves a ton of props for what it is able to do, in a wonderful way, for people mentally, emotionally and physically. Yet again, I’m not a fan of “make love” because something that feels really good doesn’t always mean that it is good for you. Meaning, you’ve got to be real about what sex with someone will do to your mind and spirit — not just what it will do for your body. An author by the name of Gabriel García Márquez once said, “Sex is the consolation you have when you can't have love.” For no one, should this be a constant norm. Feel me? I hope you do.
____
One act. Three very different experiences.
It’s kind of wild that sex has the ability to create that — and yet, clearly, it does.
Please just make sure that you know which experience you’re signing up for.
So that you’re having sex (you know, in general) instead of sex having you. Real talk.
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Featured image by Giphy