Although I write about romantic relationships more than friendships, I do enjoy covering the topic of what it means to have a good — and not-so-good — friend from time to time. And when it comes to this platform and today’s topic, if there are two articles that I wish everyone would read before diving into what we’re about to tackle, they would probably be “Always Remember That Friendships Have 'Levels' To Them” and “According To Aristotle, We Need ‘Utility’, ‘Pleasure’ & ‘Good’ Friends.”
Understanding the Difference Between a Close Friend & an Acquaintance
Why? Because they both address the issue that not all friendships are created equal — and y’all, keeping that in mind is definitely something that can spare you a lot of unnecessary drama and trauma. Yet, even beyond that, I think it’s important to recognize and then accept that just because you and some people have things in common or enjoy spending time together, it doesn’t necessarily or automatically mean that they have earned the honor of actually being your friend (check out “Allow These Things To Happen Before Calling Someone 'Friend'”).
I’m telling you, spend enough time on this earth and you’ll realize that a true friend is rare; however, what isn’t so hard to find are good or even close acquaintances.
So, let’s explore some of the main differences between an acquaintance and a friend. I’m telling you, a simple exercise like this can make your relationships so much easier to deal with and navigate through — because when you’re clear about who and what someone is, you can then manage your expectations and move accordingly (which is a lifesaver in the long run).
The Difference Between a Close Friend and an Acquaintance
1. Acquaintances Are Casual. Friendships Are Purposeful.
GiphyIf you get nothing else out of this, please hear me when I say that one way to know if someone is truly an individual who needs to be in your life, on an intimate level, is they will reveal or magnify some sort of real purpose for you. While one definition of purpose is "the reason why something exists," another definition is "an intended result" and yes, a friend should be able to check off these boxes.
What I mean by this is, if you were to journal about your actual friends (which isn’t a bad idea, by the way), it shouldn’t take you very long to jot down the clear ways that they help you to become a better person and the things that they’ve added to your life — and indirectly because of that, yes, you should end up becoming stronger in your purpose or better equipped to reach certain goals (because when something or someone makes you better in one way, it tends to have a rippling effect into others).
On the other hand, when it comes to acquaintances, it doesn’t usually go that deep because it doesn’t really matter. Since the dynamic is more casual, if they’re around, cool, and if they’re not…also, cool. You may like spending time with them; however, as far as actually needing them in your life? Eh…probably not.
The point that I’m trying to make here is, that if your life was a long-ass movie about friendships, acquaintances wouldn’t have leading or supporting roles. Nah, they would be more like the extras; close ones? They might have a line or two. Yes, they create a presence — just not a super significant one.
2. Acquaintances Have Walls. Friendships Don’t.
GiphyOne definition of an acquaintance is someone you know; at the same time, they aren’t someone who you are particularly close to. Know what that means to me? An acquaintance is someone who you have some boundaries, limits, and even walls up with. Sure, they’re fun to be around; still, that doesn’t mean that when the two of you hang out, they need to know what’s going on with you and your man or that you’ve been going through a season of feeling kind of low about yourself.
An acquaintance, even a close one, is someone who you can exchange superficial stories with at work or enjoy a couple of drinks with afterward — yet if you were to die today, they would probably come to your funeral and be surprised about a lot of the things that were said about you because when the two of you are together, you tend to stay in the “shallow end” of the relational pool…and there is absolutely nothing wrong with that.
Intimacy is earned, and acquaintances are usually either not interested in or willing to put in the work to get that close to you. All good. You’ve already got friends for that.
And yes, while it is good and wise to have a certain level of boundaries with all people (and I do mean, ALL — if you’re married and never read the book, Boundaries in Marriage: Understanding the Choices That Make or Break Loving Relationships, it’s a blessing), because friends tend to be people who you really know and fully trust, you don’t need to be as guarded. And that’s why they are typically the first folks you call when you lose your job, or you need the kind of favor that you might be uncomfortable asking anyone else for (sometimes, including your own family).
At the same time, because your walls are down with them, they are just as comfortable coming to you with very private matters or needs as well.
3. Acquaintances Are Transient. Friendships Are (Typically) Longer Lasting.
GiphyProbably one of the biggest differences between a close acquaintance and an actual friend is that since there is no commitment in acquaintance dynamics, they don’t tend to have a very long (or reliable) shelf life. In other words, a good acquaintance might be in your life for a few months while you’re taking a class together or maybe even a couple of years while you’re working at a particular job; however, once you shift, the interaction with that individual does, too.
Since the two of you are not mutually invested on a deeper level, you’re usually not intentional about doing what is required to make the relationship last no matter what — like you would with a friendship.
With friendships…say that one of yours was about to move to another city or state. If they are truly your friend, the two of you are going to discuss what needs to be done to keep the relationship as intact as possible. With an acquaintance? It’s more like, “It was good knowing you, take care, and let’s make sure to follow each other on socials.”
For the record, that’s not a red flag. You’re not bonded on any significant level, so there’s no need to work on the relationship as if you are. #Elmoshrug
4. Acquaintances Are Compartmentalized. Friendships Aren’t. Kind Of.
GiphyRemember how I said in the intro that Aristotle once said that we should have utility, pleasure, and good friends? I agree with that wholeheartedly in the overall picture. Why? Knowing if your friends are connected to your work/purpose, if they are simply to help you to relax and have a good time, or if they are there to help hold you accountable and build character, can help you to understand how to properly navigate through each of those relationships. At the same time, though, I actually think that acquaintances are even more compartmentalized than that.
Take a client of mine who needed some help deciding if he should move out of state or not. As we were going through the ever-so-faithful pros and cons list, he said that one thing that he really was going to miss was his softball team. He enjoys sports, working out, and the camaraderie between him and the players. Thing is, as I started to go deeper, he reflected on the fact that they don’t ever call to check on him in between games, and he really doesn’t interact with them at all outside of them. After about 20 minutes of talking it out, he came to the conclusion that all he really had in common with those people was softball — and that wasn’t really a good enough reason to stay (he left a week ago, by the way).
While I was in the process of “getting my letters” in life coaching, I met some hella cool people. During those several months, I talked to them a lot (hell, probably more than my actual friends) because I was in an accelerated program in order to get everything done within six months of time. Since I’ve finished, though? Eh. I talk to a couple of the other individuals every few months or so. They were compartmentalized acquaintances. We had school in common and not much else. And so, when school was over, so was our interaction. Fond memories, just nothing really life-altering to hold on to.
5. Acquaintances Don’t Require a Lot of Effort. Friendships Need Maintenance.
GiphyOkay, y’all see what month it is, right? My birthday was in June, and ever since then, a guy that I know has been promising to take me out for a (non-romantic) birthday dinner. Now, guess how many times he has rescheduled? Five — in a row. Yep. Matter of fact, at the time that I am penning this, just a couple of days ago, he shot another blank right when I was about to walk out of the door. I can only imagine how pissed I would’ve been had I not sent a text to confirm that he was going to meet me at the restaurant.
Not only was he on some “damn, my bad” again, he didn’t even call to make things right. After five damn times. Uh-uh. And what that actually confirmed for me is we’re not actually friends; we’re cool acquaintances because he was far too nonchalant and cavalier about messing with my schedule like that — and accepting that fact actually kept me from harboring any ill-will. I simply told him that we should remain in communication through the phone, and for now, it’s on him to even initiate that.
Yes, he’s busy (very; I’m aware of what he does in this city of mine); however, we prioritize what matters to us. It really is as simple as that.
The moral of the story with this one? One of the reasons why acquaintances are even a “thing” is because they are the types of people in our lives who don’t require a lot of mental or emotional effort. See, my actual friends? They planned for my birthday beforehand because they know how important that day is to me. Acquaintances? Although you can’t convince me that he wasn’t tacky as hell for how he handled matters, clearly, he doesn’t see me as a friend because he was so flippant about everything.
While friends will make plans and make sure to keep them to show how much they value someone, acquaintances tend to be more on the tip of, “If you’re free, I’m free, and it’s not going to cause me to go out of my way, let’s hang out for a couple of hours.” And honestly, there is nothing wrong with this — so long as you and the other person have a mutual understanding that neither one of you wants to put a lot of effort into your dynamic — that you want things to be carefree with very little maintenance required.
Friendships? You can never be so cavalier. If you want them to remain healthy and strong, you’ve got to show up and put some work in…and not just when you “feel like it.”
6. Acquaintances Are Fun. Friendships Are Real.
GiphyHonestly, this one right here is why I think all of us can benefit from having some close — which can also be interchangeable with “consistent” — acquaintances in our lives. On the heels of what I just said, even though friendships are precious and necessary beyond measure, it can be fun to have folks around where it doesn’t require much to be in their space. Go to dinner, have some laughs about something you saw on TikTok, go home — end of story.
Since you and your acquaintances are not super invested in each other’s lives, you can keep things light and easy, pretty much all of the time and we all can use that type of relational refresher sometimes.
Actually, one of my closest friends and I talk about this fairly often. I adore her. She is one of my favorite people on the entire planet. Still, because we are so much a part of each other’s worlds, we like that we’ve also got individuals with who we can just sit around somewhere and share stories about celebrity news, our takes on politics, or what we learned from our 20s, laugh for hours and that be it.
Our friendship? Oh, we laugh — BE CLEAR. However, because of the level of our commitment, we have things that sometimes we have to work through as we grow, shift, and transition into different versions of ourselves. I guess the way that I would wrap this one up is a close acquaintance is oftentimes like a commercial break or intermission in life — if you see them for what they are and resign within yourself to not expect anymore, you can “exhale” in your moments with them and then go back to your world, as scheduled.
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A Turkish playwright by the name of Mehmet Murat İldan once said, “Acquaintances are always abundant; friends are always scarce!” After reading this, perhaps it makes (more) sense why that is the case.
Y’all, there is nothing wrong with having acquaintances in your life. I personally find them to oftentimes be unexpected blessings. Just don’t try to turn them into friends if that’s not what they are supposed to be in your life.
From personal experience, I’m telling you that if you apply this relational rule, you can sit back and enjoy acquaintances for what they are. Friends for who they are…too.
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Anyway, I personally think that the less shallow folks out here may contemplate calling things “quits” or they at least distance themselves a bit from their partner (and what I’m referring to is serious relationships) due to all of the stress and strain that oftentimes comes with the holidays whether it be financial, familial, due to their tight schedules or something else.
Listen, I would hate for you and your man to miss the fun and happiness of experiencing this time of year, all because you are so overwhelmed or irritated that you can’t really enjoy it. That’s why I have a few practical tips for how to avoid allowing the typical holiday season stress from INFECTING your relationship.
Manage Your Expectations
GiphyUnmanaged expectations. If there is a main reason why the holiday season tends to be so stress-filled for so many people, I’d bet good money that this is the cause. And when you’re in a long-term relationship, expectations can manifest themselves in all sorts of cryptic and/or unexpected ways. You might have relatives who assume that you are going to be with them for Thanksgiving or Christmas when you have other plans in mind. You might be thinking that you are going to spend one amount for presents while your man is thinking something totally different. When it comes to scheduling, your signals may be crossed.
And you know what? To all of these scenarios, this is where clear and consistent communication come in. Don’t assume anything. Don’t dictate anything either. From now until New Year’s, mutually decide to check in once a week, just to make sure that you are both on the same page as it relates to the holidays and what you both are thinking will come along with it. The less blindsided you both feel, the less stressed out you will be. Trust me on this.
Set (and Keep) a Budget
GiphyOkay, so I read that last year, 36 percent of Americans incurred some type of holiday-related debt. Hmph. Last year, there was still some sense of normalcy in this country, chile, so I can only imagine what finances are gonna look like over the next several weeks. That said, since I don’t know a lot of people who don’t find being broke stressful, make sure that you and your bae set a budget and then stick to it this year — no ifs, ands or buts.
Because really, y’all — it doesn’t make sense to deplete savings and/or max out credit cards for a few days of giggles only to be damn near losing your mind because you don’t know how to make ends meet come Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. Day.
And by the way, this tip doesn’t just speak to things like food and gifts; I also mean travel. If it doesn’t make a ton of sense (or cents) to be all over the place this year — DON’T BE.
Keep Matthew 5:37 at the Forefront
GiphyIf off the top of your head, you don’t know what Matthew 5:37 says, no worries, here ya go: “But let your ‘Yes’ be ‘Yes,’ and your ‘No,’ ‘No.’ For whatever is more than these is from the evil one.” That verse right there? Oh, it’s a boundaries lifesaver! I say that because do you see “maybe” or “I’ll think about it” in there? Nope. LOL. It says that you should tell people “yes” or “no” and leave it at that — and that complements Anne Lamott’s quote, “’No’ is a complete sentence” impeccably well. Yeah, you’ve got to remember that anything beyond a yes or no to a request is privileged information; you don’t owe anyone details or an explanation.
Besides, if you are really honest with yourself, when someone asks you something and you give a “Umm, let me think about it” kind of reply, more times than not, you already know what your answer is going to be — so why not let you both off of the hook? Give your response. Commit to that. And let everyone (including yourself) get on with their lives and schedules.
I promise you that when it comes to those holiday parties, you are pissing more folks off by not RSVP’ing or doing so and not showing up than just saying, “Thank you but not this year” off the rip.
Remember That Your Personal Space Is Privilege Not a Right
GiphyA friend of mine recently bought a new house and invited me over to come see it. He’s a single man with no children, so as I was taking in all of the space that he had, especially as I walked through his finished basement, I joked about relatives coming to live with him. “Hell no” and “absolutely not” were pretty much his immediate responses as he went on to say that some folks even had the nerve to be offended when he told them that he had no intentions on taking DNA in.
Ain’t it wild how people think that your stuff is their right? And yes, that brings me to my next point. Your home is your sanctuary space. If you want to host folks this year — cool. If not, ALSO COOL. Please don’t let folks (family included) guilt you into how they want you to act or even into what they would do if the shoe was on the other foot. You are not them — and as one of my favorite quotes states, “If two people were exactly alike, one of them would be unnecessary.” (A man by the name Larry Dixon said that.)
Hell, my friends? They know that I am good for sending them random things that they need or even want all throughout the year. Coming over to hang out at my pace, though. Uh-uh. Chalk it up to being a card-carrying member of the ambivert club yet I like keeping my living space personal — and I sleep like a baby, each and every night, for feeling that way.
Always remember that your space, your time, your resources, your energy and shoot, yourself period (including your relationship), are all things that are your own. You get to choose how, when and why you want to share them. The holiday season is certainly no exception.
Cultivate Some “You Two Only” Traditions
GiphyIt’s not uncommon for some couples to hit me up after the holiday season to “detox.” Sometimes it’s due to the financial drama (and sometimes trauma) that they experienced. Sometimes it’s because they allowed their relatives (especially in-laws) to get more into their personal business than they should’ve. More than anything, though, it tends to be because they didn’t get enough quality time together and so ended up feeling “disconnected.”
Please don’t let that happen. Listen, I’m not even a holidays kind of woman and yet, I will absolutely sit myself down with some hot chocolate and chocolate chip cookies to enjoy a Hallmark holiday film or two. Aside from the fact that most of them are lighthearted and sweet, I also like that they usually focus on couples loving on each other amidst all of the holiday beauty and ambiance — which is something that all couples should set aside some time to do.
Maybe it’s a vacation. Maybe it’s a staycation. Or maybe it’s my personal favorite, A SEXCATION. Whether it’s for a few days, the weekend or even overnight — don’t you let the holidays go by without setting aside time for you and your man to celebrate one another. Don’t you dare (check out “Are You Ready To Have Some Very Merry 'Christmas Sex'?”).
GET. SOME. REST.
GiphyI once read that 8 out of 10 people get stressed out over the holidays and 3 out of 10 lose sleep during to it — and when you’re stress-filled and sleep-deprived, that can absolutely lead to hypersensitivity, making mountains out of molehills and even not being in the mood for sex.
Your relationship can’t afford to go through any of this, so definitely make sure to prioritize rest. I don’t care how unrealistic it might seem during this time, sleep should never be seen as a luxury; it will always and forever be a great necessity.
That said, try to get no less than six hours of shut-eye in (check out “6 Fascinating Ways Sex And Sleep Definitely Go Hand In Hand”) and even ask your bae to take a nap with you sometimes (check out “Wanna Have Some Next-Level Sex? Take A Nap, Sis.”). Not only will sleep help to restore your mind, body and spirit but, when it’s with your partner, it’s an act of intimacy that can make you both feel super connected, even in the midst of what might feel like chaos.
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Holiday season stress is real. Still, never give it the permission or power to throw your relationship off. Put you and your man first and let the holidays be what they are gonna be, chile.
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If, while on your continual journey to get the best out of your own tresses, you’d like to learn how to get them healthier than it’s ever been, I’ve got seven acids that are typically known for skin use that can be just as beneficial to your hair as well.
1. Salicylic Acid
When it comes to your skin, salicylic acid is beta-hydroxy acid that is great for your skin if you’re looking for something that will exfoliate it, clear out your pores and dissolve dead skin cells. In fact, this is why it’s an acid that is quite popular when it comes to treating acne.
Your hair will enjoy salicylic acid because, if you’re looking to remove product build-up, you want to soothe an itchy or irritated scalp or you’ve got some dandruff flakes that are totally driving you up the wall, salicylic acid has the ability to treat all of this. Either purchasing a shampoo that contains this ingredient or adding it to your favorite scalp scrub is probably the most effective way to get the most out of it.
Just make sure that if your scalp is sensitive or dry that you approach with caution. In these instances, it could end up irritating your scalp more than helping it out, so use a very little bit in the beginning to make sure that it vibes with you.
2. Lactic Acid
Lactic acid is an alpha hydroxy acid that can help to even out your skin tone as well as slow down the signs of aging. The properties in it help to do this by reducing hyperpigmentation and boosting collagen production in your skin as well as keeping it hydrated.
Why is it great for your locks? For one thing, lactic acid is considered to be a humectant. This means that it pulls water from the air so that your hair is able to remain moisturized.
Another thing that makes it a winner is the fact that lactic acid breaks down dead skin cells on your scalp (so that your hair follicles are able to flourish), it can help to soften and detangle your hair (making it a helpful addition on your wash days) and it also helps to protect your tresses from heat styling tools and UV damage. Applying a hair rinse that’s made up of part lactic acid and part water can work wonderfully (so long as you apply it once a month, tops; more than that might be too “intense” for your hair strands).
3. Glycolic Acid
Glycolic acid is a water-soluble alpha hydroxy acid that is actually made from sugar. Your skin will adore it because it smooths the appearance of fine lines and wrinkles, improves the texture of your skin, gently exfoliates, clears your pores and brightens up your complexion overall.
The reasons why you should consider this acid for your hair is because it helps to keep your scalp youthful (and yes, there is such a thing; check out “Your Scalp Ages Six Times Faster Than Your Face. Why It Matters.”), removes excess sebum (that could be clogging up your hair follicles) and it helps to keep your hair moisturized. Your best bet here is to make it a part of your pre-shampooing ritual.
4. Succinic Acid
Succinic acid is an acid that is made from sugar cane and contains antimicrobial and anti-inflammatory properties. Although it doesn’t exactly exfoliate (like many of these other acids do), it can still be beneficial to your skin when it comes to reducing the kind of irritation that is associated with eczema, decreasing the bacteria that leads to breakouts and keeping your skin pretty hydrated.
As far as your hair goes, this is an acid that is worth trying out because it helps to balance the sebum that is on your scalp, remove dead skin and product build-up that can irritate your scalp and clog your hair follicles and, succinic acid is also beneficial when it comes to reducing dandruff and helping to prevent hair loss. Most people tend to apply this as a serum.
5. Hyaluronic Acid
I’ve officially sung the praises of hyaluronic acid on this platform before. One example is via the article, “Why Your Skin, Hair, And Nails Need Hyaluronic Acid Like...Yesterday.” On the skin tip, hyaluronic acid is great because it deeply hydrates your skin, contains anti-aging properties and can even bring relief to vaginal (including vulvar) dryness.
Your hair will adore this particular acid because it aids moisture to it (including your hair follicles), will help to improve your hair’s texture and it also soothes scalp dryness, nurtures the cuticles of your tresses and decreases frizz. Using a serum rich in this acid as a pre-poo or as a leave-in conditioner is recommended.
6. Azelaic Acid
If you’ve never heard of azelaic acid before, this is your lucky day. It’s a dicarboxylic acid that, when it comes to skincare (and hair care) products, is usually synthetic. Anyway, if you are looking for a way to reduce inflammation, even skin tone after a breakout or if you want to use an exfoliant that will improve the texture of your skin overtime, you might want to give this acid a shot.
This one makes the list as far as your hair is concerned because, if achieving more inches is your current focus, azelaic acid might come in handy. That’s because it is able to strengthen your hair, thicken your strands and also stimulate hair growth from within your hair follicles.
7. Glutamic Acid
Glutamic acid is actually a type of amino acid. Skin-wise, it’s great for deeply hydrating your skin as well as protecting it from pollutants and damaging UV rays. Also, if you’re looking for an acid that treats skin dryness or “tightness,” this could be the answer to your prayers.
Since glutamic acid is also considered to be a humectant, it’s another acid that can moisturize your hair. As a result, it can decrease breakage while helping your hair to feel smooth and look shiny.
BONUS: Amino Acids
Speaking of amino acids and hair, please try to keep some amino acids in your diet at all times. The reason why is because, since your hair is made up of mostly protein (keratin, to be exact), amino acids are pretty darn effective when it comes to helping you to maintain the overall health and well-being of your hair.
Ones to prioritize include proline (it boosts collagen so that your hair strands can maintain flexibility); arginine (it increases blood flow to your hair follicles so that they can receive the nutrients that they need); cysteine (it helps to keep your hair follicles healthy); alanine (it helps your system to produce more collagen), and isoleucine (it strengthens the tissues that help to make up your hair strands). All of these are available in supplement form or you can use Google to see which foods contain them.
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Although it might initially seem odd to apply acid to your hair, as you can see, certain ones will work miracles for it. So, test them out to see which one tickles your fancy.
Hell, since they work for your skin as well — it’s a two-for-one deal that is worth every penny!
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