PEOPLE Magazine recently released its Sexiest Man Alive issue, and per usual, it’s whiter than white — like snow white, white. In its nearly 40-year history, there have only been four Black men (technically five if you count Dwayne Johnson) to snag the title:
- Denzel Washington (1996): First Black recipient, acclaimed actor in films like Malcolm X and Training Day, and an iconic choice for his charisma and talent.
- Idris Elba (2018): Popular selection for his rugged charm, known for roles in The Wire and blockbuster films, long-awaited recognition.
- John Legend (2019): Notable for his smooth voice and kind demeanor, Grammy-winning musician, relationship with Chrissy Teigen, and advocacy work added to his charm.
- Michael B. Jordan (2020): Recognized for roles in Black Panther and Creed, selected as a tribute to his physical appeal and influence in Hollywood, gained influence through his production company and activism efforts.
While we absolutely love these men, it shouldn’t be so few and far between that Black men are honored for all they are. Black men are beautiful, complex, and worthy of recognition. From their melanin-rich skin that glows effortlessly to their distinct style and undeniable swag, there’s just something about the way they show up and own every space they enter.
Whether it's their moisturized beards, captivating smiles, or the way they carry themselves with confidence and grace, fine Black men are a testament to the power of Black excellence. They are artists, athletes, thinkers, and change-makers, and it's time we give them all the flowers they deserve—because there's truly nothing like a fine Black man.
In light of PEOPLE's list, we thought it was the perfect time to round up some fine Black men who aren’t celebrated enough. These men represent a new wave of talent across various creative industries, making significant contributions to music, film, and fashion while breaking new ground in their respective fields.
Zack Fox
Zack Fox
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Comedian, Rapper, and Artist: Zack Fox is known for his sharp comedic timing and irreverent humor, both in his stand-up and online presence. He made waves with his viral song "Jesus Is the One (I Got Depression)," showcasing his unique blend of comedy and music.
This man has been going viral lately for his fineness. Some folks are deeming him “cerebrally fine.” So much so that Zack Fox's mother is confused by the thirsty comments women leave for him online, leading to awkward conversations between them like what “til the room stinks” means.
Skip Marley
Skip Marley
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Reggae Artist: The grandson of the legendary Bob Marley, Skip Marley, carries on the family legacy with modern reggae hits like "Slow Down" featuring H.E.R. His music blends traditional reggae vibes with contemporary R&B. Then again, fine is just in his DNA.
Jharrel Jerome
Jharrel Jerome
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Actor and Rapper: Jharrel Jerome won an Emmy for his powerful portrayal of Korey Wise in the Netflix miniseries When They See Us. He's also a rapper, releasing music under the stage name "J Rome." Between the charming smile to the luscious beard, he is just a gem.
Jabari Banks
Jabari Banks
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Actor: Jabari Banks stars as Will Smith in the reboot of The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air, Bel-Air. His breakout role showcases his charisma and acting chops, quickly making him a rising star in Hollywood. Even the way he wears his hat to the side is quintessential fine-ass man energy.
Keith Powers
Keith Powers
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Actor and Model: Known for his roles in Straight Outta Compton, The New Edition Story, and most recently, Netflix's Uglies, Keith Powers has become a familiar face in film and television, with a striking presence both on-screen and in the fashion world. I am personally in love with this man. When he took to TikTok to rap some BossMan Dlow lyrics, he had us all sat.
Kofi Siriboe
Kofi Siriboe
Paras Griffin/Getty Images for Essence
Actor and Model: Kofi Siriboe gained fame for his role as Ralph Angel Bordelon on the critically acclaimed TV series Queen Sugar. He's also known for his performance in the film Girls Trip. According to Ebony Magazine, “He was so spirited, cool, calm, and collected to the point where you felt safe and good in his presence. Few people have that type of effect on others, and it is an aura that goes well beyond his looks.”
Tyler James Williams
Tyler James Williams
JC Olivera/Getty ImagesActor and Singer: Starting as the lead in Everybody Hates Chris, Tyler James Williams has evolved into a versatile actor, currently starring in the Emmy-winning series Abbott Elementary. Nobody hates Chris anymore. His role as Mr. Eddie on Abbott really changed the game. Actually, it’s his broad shoulders and arms that changed the game.
Aminé
Aminé
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Rapper and Singer: Aminé broke onto the scene with his hit single "Caroline" in 2016. Known for his playful, vibrant style, he's become a staple in the alternative hip-hop scene with albums like "Good For You" and "Limbo." Known for his bold fashion statements, the artist draws inspiration from icons like Kanye West and André 3000. His vibrant color choices and eclectic cultural references reflect his unique personality, seamlessly intertwining with his music to create a captivating and immersive experience.
Aaron Pierre
Aaron Pierre
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Actor: If you haven't watched this commanding star's breakout role in Rebel Ridge by now, do yourself a favor and tap in. With that and his turn as Malcolm X in the National Geographic limited series Genius: MLK/X, Aaron Pierre has quickly established himself as a standout talent in the acting world, bringing depth and nuance to every role he takes on. The 30-year-old is known for his appearances in projects such as Old and is the voice of Mufasa in the upcoming live-action prequel, Mufasa: The Lion King. With a commanding presence and a gift for embodying dynamic characters, Pierre continues to leave an indelible mark on-screen.
Jaden Smith
Jaden Smith
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Rapper, Actor, and Activist: The son of Will Smith and Jada Pinkett Smith, Jaden has carved out his own path in music with hits like "Icon" and fashion through his brand MSFTSrep. He’s also an advocate for environmental issues. He fearlessly experiments with vibrant hair colors like neon pink, red, and green and even goes as far as bleaching his eyebrows. Rather than sticking to a signature hairstyle, Smith keeps his look fresh by effortlessly shifting between twists, locs, and a clean-shaven head, keeping us wanting more.
Smino
Smino
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Rapper and Singer: Hailing from St. Louis, Smino is known for his soulful, genre-blending sound. His albums blkswn and NOIR showcase his innovative approach to music, mixing elements of hip-hop, soul, and R&B. Smino's music explores the complexities of the Black experience in America, honoring his heritage while acknowledging the challenges faced by his community. His experimental vocal style adds a unique dimension to his music, and his commitment to self-love encourages listeners to embrace their true selves. All of this just makes him cool which makes him fine.
Tyler, The Creator
Tyler, the Creator
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Rapper, Producer, and Fashion Icon: A founding member of the Odd Future collective, Tyler has made a name for himself with genre-defying albums like "IGOR" and "Call Me If You Get Lost." He’s also the creator of the fashion brand Golf Wang. We can’t help but agree with The Talon, who reported, “Folks love to be around people with humorous personalities no matter what, so having your favorite artist have an entertaining character aside from music can make any fan love their favorite artist. They appear more lovable to fans. In this case, Tyler, The Creator is a prime example of a witty music artist, considering his interviews, videos, and even a whole TV show based on comedy sketches and playing pranks with other hilarious artists.”
Steve Lacy
Steve Lacy
Jamie McCarthy/Getty Images
Musician and Producer: Steve Lacy, a member of the Grammy-winning band The Internet, has also had a successful solo career. His album Gemini Rights features the viral hit "Bad Habit," showcasing his blend of R&B, funk, and rock. After reading his feature in GQ, it’s clear he is absolutely who he thinks he is. He's calm, wise, and experienced despite his young age. He works hard and has collaborated with many notable artists like Tyler, the Creator, Solange, J. Cole, Blood Orange, Mac Miller, Vampire Weekend, Isaiah Rashad, and more. “This type of conscientious poise — the ongoing awareness of who he is, and what the moment requires from him — is what many associate with Lacy. Lacy is cool.”
Kaytranada
Kaytranada
Olivia Wong/WireImage
DJ and Producer: Kaytranada is celebrated for his eclectic beats and genre-blending productions. His debut album "99.9%" won a Polaris Music Prize, and he’s known for collaborations with artists like H.E.R., Kali Uchis, and Anderson .Paak. The Kaytranada Effect extends beyond his magical production. His soulful and vibey music is a direct reflection of his fineness. There’s a certain mystique about Kaytranada. His low-key personality and reserved nature create an aura of coolness that draws people in
Vince Staples
Vince Staples
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Rapper and Actor: Vince Staples is known for his sharp lyricism and social commentary. His albums like Summertime '06 and Big Fish Theory offer a gritty look at life in Long Beach, California. Is it me, or is the gap particularly sexy? Vince gives 90’s fine, and it’s just so good. Whether through his style, confidence, or overall look, he looks good in a way that feels classic and nostalgic.
Damson Idris
Damson Idris
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Actor: British-Nigerian actor Damson Idris rose to fame as Franklin Saint in the FX series Snowfall, earning acclaim for his portrayal of the ambitious drug dealer navigating the 1980s crack epidemic. In 2022, The Hollywood Reporter named him TV’s Hottest Antihero, saying, “Idris’ stardom and cachet have risen as well. He has posed in his drawers for Calvin Klein and in January walked the runway for Prada in Milan. He texted with Idris Elba about the ultimate fate of Franklin Saint.
"He also has partied with Jamie Foxx at his house, received piano lessons from rapper Saweetie (as seen in a video he posted), and watched the 2022 Super Bowl en suite with Jay-Z, Beyoncé and Rihanna. Idris is also set to host the Essence Black Women in Hollywood Awards on March 24.”
Luka Sabbat
Luka Sabbat
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Model and Actor: Luka Sabbat is a fashion icon and influencer known for his distinctive style. He starred in the TV series Grown-ish and is recognized for his collaborations with major fashion brands. He told L’OFFICIEL, “My style is in line with who I am. It represents my taste in fashion, music, lifestyle… It’s very personal to me, and says a lot about me. Style is deeply rooted in the community, whether it’s music, film, or subcultures like punk or goth. It’s a way of saying “This is who I am” before you even talk to someone.”
Rome Flynn
Rome Flynn
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Actor and Singer: Rome Flynn is known for his roles in How to Get Away with Murder and The Bold and the Beautiful. He’s also pursuing a music career, blending R&B and pop influences. Back in 2020, when xoNecole got to chat with the star, he opened up about dating, love, and his career. The tribe took to the comments to share, “I like his mentality and how well spoken he is. Makes him even more attractive” and “He's really down to earth and level headed. I'm sure he'll continue to grow in his craft and find love.” Another commenter said, “Rome is genuinely a beautiful human being, i love how honest he is and not many people are open and honest like this anymore... Truly refreshing.”
Trevor Jackson
Trevor Jackson
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Actor, Singer, and Dancer: Trevor Jackson starred as Aaron Jackson in the TV series Grown-ish and has a thriving music career, with R&B albums like The Love Language. When it comes to his potential partner, he previously told us that he would love to be mentally and spiritually aligned. "I feel like we gotta hang out and I think when you really like someone, you can hang out with them and not have to do anything physical with them. I think that's someone I can really laugh with, lay down [with], and not be worried if they're gonna be crazy."
LaKeith Stanfield
LaKeith Stanfield
JC Olivera/Getty Images for Sony Pictures
Actor and Musician: LaKeith Stanfield has starred in critically acclaimed films like Sorry to Bother You and Judas and the Black Messiah. He’s also a rapper, releasing music under the moniker "Htiekal." In an interview with Black Girl Nerds, he said, “I love seeing us. I love seeing Black family dynamics, where the family is full and everyone’s present. Everyone’s there and they’re just a normal family. I love seeing those two pictures, because I think they’re just not there often. There can’t be enough of that. I’m interested in making people realize that there are plenty of Black families that exist together now, and they’re cool. Things like this just humanizes us.
Jeremy Pope
Jeremy Pope
Arturo Holmes/MG24/Getty Images for The Met Museum/Vogue
Actor and Singer: Jeremy Pope is a Tony-nominated Broadway star known for his roles in Choir Boy and Ain’t Too Proud. He also gained recognition for his work in Ryan Murphy’s Netflix series Hollywood. With his captivating presence and striking features, Jeremy has become a heartthrob who embodies our collective fantasies. His eyes, as deep and alluring as a midnight sky, draw you in like a gravitational pull.
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Anyway, I personally think that the less shallow folks out here may contemplate calling things “quits” or they at least distance themselves a bit from their partner (and what I’m referring to is serious relationships) due to all of the stress and strain that oftentimes comes with the holidays whether it be financial, familial, due to their tight schedules or something else.
Listen, I would hate for you and your man to miss the fun and happiness of experiencing this time of year, all because you are so overwhelmed or irritated that you can’t really enjoy it. That’s why I have a few practical tips for how to avoid allowing the typical holiday season stress from INFECTING your relationship.
Manage Your Expectations
GiphyUnmanaged expectations. If there is a main reason why the holiday season tends to be so stress-filled for so many people, I’d bet good money that this is the cause. And when you’re in a long-term relationship, expectations can manifest themselves in all sorts of cryptic and/or unexpected ways. You might have relatives who assume that you are going to be with them for Thanksgiving or Christmas when you have other plans in mind. You might be thinking that you are going to spend one amount for presents while your man is thinking something totally different. When it comes to scheduling, your signals may be crossed.
And you know what? To all of these scenarios, this is where clear and consistent communication come in. Don’t assume anything. Don’t dictate anything either. From now until New Year’s, mutually decide to check in once a week, just to make sure that you are both on the same page as it relates to the holidays and what you both are thinking will come along with it. The less blindsided you both feel, the less stressed out you will be. Trust me on this.
Set (and Keep) a Budget
GiphyOkay, so I read that last year, 36 percent of Americans incurred some type of holiday-related debt. Hmph. Last year, there was still some sense of normalcy in this country, chile, so I can only imagine what finances are gonna look like over the next several weeks. That said, since I don’t know a lot of people who don’t find being broke stressful, make sure that you and your bae set a budget and then stick to it this year — no ifs, ands or buts.
Because really, y’all — it doesn’t make sense to deplete savings and/or max out credit cards for a few days of giggles only to be damn near losing your mind because you don’t know how to make ends meet come Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. Day.
And by the way, this tip doesn’t just speak to things like food and gifts; I also mean travel. If it doesn’t make a ton of sense (or cents) to be all over the place this year — DON’T BE.
Keep Matthew 5:37 at the Forefront
GiphyIf off the top of your head, you don’t know what Matthew 5:37 says, no worries, here ya go: “But let your ‘Yes’ be ‘Yes,’ and your ‘No,’ ‘No.’ For whatever is more than these is from the evil one.” That verse right there? Oh, it’s a boundaries lifesaver! I say that because do you see “maybe” or “I’ll think about it” in there? Nope. LOL. It says that you should tell people “yes” or “no” and leave it at that — and that complements Anne Lamott’s quote, “’No’ is a complete sentence” impeccably well. Yeah, you’ve got to remember that anything beyond a yes or no to a request is privileged information; you don’t owe anyone details or an explanation.
Besides, if you are really honest with yourself, when someone asks you something and you give a “Umm, let me think about it” kind of reply, more times than not, you already know what your answer is going to be — so why not let you both off of the hook? Give your response. Commit to that. And let everyone (including yourself) get on with their lives and schedules.
I promise you that when it comes to those holiday parties, you are pissing more folks off by not RSVP’ing or doing so and not showing up than just saying, “Thank you but not this year” off the rip.
Remember That Your Personal Space Is Privilege Not a Right
GiphyA friend of mine recently bought a new house and invited me over to come see it. He’s a single man with no children, so as I was taking in all of the space that he had, especially as I walked through his finished basement, I joked about relatives coming to live with him. “Hell no” and “absolutely not” were pretty much his immediate responses as he went on to say that some folks even had the nerve to be offended when he told them that he had no intentions on taking DNA in.
Ain’t it wild how people think that your stuff is their right? And yes, that brings me to my next point. Your home is your sanctuary space. If you want to host folks this year — cool. If not, ALSO COOL. Please don’t let folks (family included) guilt you into how they want you to act or even into what they would do if the shoe was on the other foot. You are not them — and as one of my favorite quotes states, “If two people were exactly alike, one of them would be unnecessary.” (A man by the name Larry Dixon said that.)
Hell, my friends? They know that I am good for sending them random things that they need or even want all throughout the year. Coming over to hang out at my pace, though. Uh-uh. Chalk it up to being a card-carrying member of the ambivert club yet I like keeping my living space personal — and I sleep like a baby, each and every night, for feeling that way.
Always remember that your space, your time, your resources, your energy and shoot, yourself period (including your relationship), are all things that are your own. You get to choose how, when and why you want to share them. The holiday season is certainly no exception.
Cultivate Some “You Two Only” Traditions
GiphyIt’s not uncommon for some couples to hit me up after the holiday season to “detox.” Sometimes it’s due to the financial drama (and sometimes trauma) that they experienced. Sometimes it’s because they allowed their relatives (especially in-laws) to get more into their personal business than they should’ve. More than anything, though, it tends to be because they didn’t get enough quality time together and so ended up feeling “disconnected.”
Please don’t let that happen. Listen, I’m not even a holidays kind of woman and yet, I will absolutely sit myself down with some hot chocolate and chocolate chip cookies to enjoy a Hallmark holiday film or two. Aside from the fact that most of them are lighthearted and sweet, I also like that they usually focus on couples loving on each other amidst all of the holiday beauty and ambiance — which is something that all couples should set aside some time to do.
Maybe it’s a vacation. Maybe it’s a staycation. Or maybe it’s my personal favorite, A SEXCATION. Whether it’s for a few days, the weekend or even overnight — don’t you let the holidays go by without setting aside time for you and your man to celebrate one another. Don’t you dare (check out “Are You Ready To Have Some Very Merry 'Christmas Sex'?”).
GET. SOME. REST.
GiphyI once read that 8 out of 10 people get stressed out over the holidays and 3 out of 10 lose sleep during to it — and when you’re stress-filled and sleep-deprived, that can absolutely lead to hypersensitivity, making mountains out of molehills and even not being in the mood for sex.
Your relationship can’t afford to go through any of this, so definitely make sure to prioritize rest. I don’t care how unrealistic it might seem during this time, sleep should never be seen as a luxury; it will always and forever be a great necessity.
That said, try to get no less than six hours of shut-eye in (check out “6 Fascinating Ways Sex And Sleep Definitely Go Hand In Hand”) and even ask your bae to take a nap with you sometimes (check out “Wanna Have Some Next-Level Sex? Take A Nap, Sis.”). Not only will sleep help to restore your mind, body and spirit but, when it’s with your partner, it’s an act of intimacy that can make you both feel super connected, even in the midst of what might feel like chaos.
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Holiday season stress is real. Still, never give it the permission or power to throw your relationship off. Put you and your man first and let the holidays be what they are gonna be, chile.
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Not to mention the fact that so many folks literally don’t read (you know, past skimming) anymore — and yes, I have stats to prove it. I recently read that back in 2022, reportedly, a little over 48 percent of people read one book over the course of that entire year (that is not a good thing and proves that book reading is on a steady decline). Meanwhile, the amount of time that is spent on social media: 2.5 hours on a daily basis. That’s 150 minutes of listening to folks just say…whatever. And if you listen to it long enough, you could actually start believing it as gospel.
This includes what I am going to touch on today: the belief that if someone really cares about you, they should constantly reassure you. Y’all damn near are gonna have me join the world of social media again, just to address this one fallacy. For now, though, I’ll settle for making some points via this article — because as you can see from the title, I don’t agree with that conclusion at all.
In fact, I personally believe that thinking this way is a pretty big relational orange — if not red — flag.
Reassurance. And What It Does for a Child.
GiphyIf you’ve read enough of my content, you know that I am big on word definitions — and when it comes to the word “reassurance,” the meaning alone explains why this article has the title that it does:
Reassurance: something, such as information, praise, or an action or gesture, that soothes, comforts, or restores to confidence
Reassurance restores confidence. Bookmark that, please. I will certainly circle back to that point before I am done.
Okay, so when it comes to, say a child, there is absolutely a place for reassurance. That’s because they are still in the process of significant self-development and so they need reassurance in order to feel safe, secure and loved. It’s also a way for them to establish trust in others.
However, did you know that many mental health experts say that if a child deals with, say anxiety, constant reassurance can actually be counterproductive because they can start to rely on external validation to emotionally stabilize them instead of learning how to remain calm and relaxed on their own (yeah, bookmark that too)? Some other ways that constant reassurance can become potentially problematic is it can cause kids to create problems that don’t exist, to overthink and to jump to the wrong conclusions (hmm…very interesting).
And so, already, we’re seeing something pretty interesting, right? Although reassurance has its place, too much of it, even for kids, typically ends up doing more harm than good.
Let’s keep building.
How 'Lack' As a Child Can Manifest As an Adult
GiphyOkay, so we just touched on how constant reassurance can be counterproductive for an anxious child. Now what about when that child grows up? If they never learned how to properly and effectively deal with their anxiety, what then? Well, this is where attachment styles can very easily come into play — especially since one of them is literally called “anxious attachment style.”
Anxious attachment style is rooted in insecurity. It typically stems from experiencing the type of dysfunctional upbringing that resulted in one or both parents being unpredictable or inconsistent in their caregiving approach and techniques. As a result, the child deals with things like fear of abandonment or rejection and, without healing from that, they become an adult who is pretty much the exact same way.
In relationships, it can manifest in them being extra clingy, codependent, super jealous, controlling or — catch it — someone who is always looking for validation and reassurance.
Hmph. Did you catch that? Did you really catch that? Needing constant reassurance in a relationship IS NOT something that should automatically come with a relationship. In fact, if you’re someone who has this type of need or even expectation, there’s a really good chance that what you actually need is therapy — not for your partner to work harder to make you feel better about yourself or the relationship.
Which brings me to my next point.
Relationships Can Be Therapeutic. They Aren’t Therapy, Though.
GiphySomething that some of my clients will tell you that they’ve heard me say, more than once I might add is, “PARENT and PARTNER are not palindromes.” A palindrome is a word (line, sentence, etc.) that is the same whether it is spelled backwards or forwards — and while, of course, parent and partner couldn’t qualify as being that, what I mean is there are far too many people who think that partners should pick up where parents left off and/or dropped the ball — and that is a super unhealthy approach to relationships. Come to think of it, not only is it unhealthy but really unfair as well.
This is exactly why I’m not big on phrases like “the princess treatment” in adult relationships. A princess is the daughter of a king while a queen is the wife of one. For a grown woman to expect a man to do what a father did for her as a child without accepting that as an adult, there are far more responsibilities as a wife that comes into play? Yep, that is toxic thinking.
And you know what? So is expecting your partner to overcompensate for where your father and/or mother didn’t show up in the way that they should have. That is not your partner’s fault, their role or their assignment while dating you. If you feel otherwise, it really is time to speak with a professional who can help you to do a bit of “reprogramming” in your thinking because, for you to feel and/or assume that since your parents didn’t make you feel confident and secure or teach you how to value yourself, your partner should work overtime to make up for it? There is not one thing that is healthy, mature or emotionally solid about having that type of mindset.
And that is why I am also good for saying that, although relationships can be therapeutic (healing), they should never EVER be seen as therapy. Therapists are trained to deal with the mental and emotional challenges that people have. On the other hand, no one should expect their partner to have the knowledge and expertise that professionals do — and while we’re here, partners also shouldn’t trust that someone who needs the assistance of a therapist to become whole (again) would know exactly what steps are required for that to happen.
So yeah, if you’re someone who thinks that being loved means that someone needs to constantly make you feel good about yourself or secure in the relationship — you probably do have an anxious attachment style. See a professional to get that confirmed, though. Because no one should have to make you feel valued or worthy. That is an inside job.
And this brings me to my final point.
It’s Not Fair to Want Someone to Love You More than You Do
GiphyFor this last point, something that Christ once said immediately comes to mind:
“No one puts a piece of unshrunk cloth on an old garment; for the patch pulls away from the garment, and the tear is made worse. Nor do they put new wine into old wineskins, or else the wineskins break, the wine is spilled, and the wineskins are ruined. But they put new wine into new wineskins, and both are preserved.” (Matthew 9:16-18 — NKJV)
A lot of times, Christ spoke in parables because it was easier for people to get where he was coming from (Matthew 13:13). Anyway, along these lines, what would be the point in pouring a liquid into a bottle that has a hole in it? It’s not built to contain and maintain the fluid and so, no matter how delicious the drink may be, no matter how many times it’s poured into the bottle, the bottle is never going to remain full — because it has cracks in it.
BOOKMARK THAT.
My fourth baby’s daddy (check out “Why I Named The Children I Aborted”), while we were in the process of our “exit interview” (which is what I choose to call it) of our dynamic, he said something that has always stayed with me: “Shellie, your biggest problem is you receive compliments are revelations when they should be seen as confirmations.” Hmph. The irony of HIM saying that is kind of a trip and yet, at the time when we were experiencing each other, he was exactly right. I should’ve never had such a low sense of self-worth that whatever a man said to me had me so in awe that I either felt extremely grateful or became super addicted to his validation.
And y’all, that is exactly what needing constant reassurance looks like — because why does someone need to keep telling you that you are beautiful, keep saying that you are wonderful, keep letting you know that they want to be with you — keep restoring your confidence in yourself and in your relationship with them?
In other words, why should they work harder at making you feel good about yourself and solid in your relationship than you are willing to? Isn’t that just like pouring liquid into a broken bottle?
There is someone in my family tree who I had to distance myself from because he kept venting to me about his marriage and the fact that his wife was just like this. Sadly, it was never (and I do mean NEVER) enough that he chose her — whenever she felt some type of way about herself, here she came looking for him to fill her voids. After a couple of years of the nonstop needs for reassurance, he was worn out from doing it and I was exhausted from hearing about it. He was too scared to call her out and she was too unaccountable to get the real help that she needed. Whew. Toxic on top of toxic.
So Shellie, what are you saying — that we shouldn’t expect compliments, affirmations, support and encouragement in our relationships? Chile, if that is what you got out of this, you are choosing to think that way because that couldn’t be further from where I am coming from.
Again, you’ve got to remember what reassurance means: it’s about restoring confidence. A compliment is “an expression of praise, commendation, or admiration” yet if you already know that you are pretty, smart, funny, whatever, someone telling you that isn’t “building your confidence;” it’s cosigning on something that you are already aware of. Encouragement is about inspiring or stimulating someone and so yes, of course, the right partner is going to want to see you win in life and so they are going to offer up influence and motivation to help you — but what if they aren’t there?
Shouldn’t you be able to encourage yourself? ABSOLUTELY. However, expecting them to restore your confidence due to things that have nothing to do with them or because you simply lack self-confidence? That is not how relationships are to go. If you aren’t sure of yourself (which is a foundational definition of confident), get to the root of why and then figure what you need to do to become sure — that way, your partner doesn’t have to constantly “fill you up;” actually, what they do will be surplus instead of void-filling because your “bottle” will be unbroken.
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I’m telling you, if you pay attention to the relationship side of socials, at least twice a day, someone will talk about how they think that a relationship should entail receiving constant reassurance. Lies on top of lies. No one should think that love means trying to make someone else feel sure about themselves because they don’t know how to do so on their own.
And this is why I say that expecting constant reassurance is an orange, if not red, flag.
Because when you already feel good about yourself, there is no need.
And if you don’t, figuring out how to is an inside job — FIRST.
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