PEOPLE Magazine recently released its Sexiest Man Alive issue, and per usual, it’s whiter than white — like snow white, white. In its nearly 40-year history, there have only been four Black men (technically five if you count Dwayne Johnson) to snag the title:
- Denzel Washington (1996): First Black recipient, acclaimed actor in films like Malcolm X and Training Day, and an iconic choice for his charisma and talent.
- Idris Elba (2018): Popular selection for his rugged charm, known for roles in The Wire and blockbuster films, long-awaited recognition.
- John Legend (2019): Notable for his smooth voice and kind demeanor, Grammy-winning musician, relationship with Chrissy Teigen, and advocacy work added to his charm.
- Michael B. Jordan (2020): Recognized for roles in Black Panther and Creed, selected as a tribute to his physical appeal and influence in Hollywood, gained influence through his production company and activism efforts.
While we absolutely love these men, it shouldn’t be so few and far between that Black men are honored for all they are. Black men are beautiful, complex, and worthy of recognition. From their melanin-rich skin that glows effortlessly to their distinct style and undeniable swag, there’s just something about the way they show up and own every space they enter.
Whether it's their moisturized beards, captivating smiles, or the way they carry themselves with confidence and grace, fine Black men are a testament to the power of Black excellence. They are artists, athletes, thinkers, and change-makers, and it's time we give them all the flowers they deserve—because there's truly nothing like a fine Black man.
In light of PEOPLE's list, we thought it was the perfect time to round up some fine Black men who aren’t celebrated enough. These men represent a new wave of talent across various creative industries, making significant contributions to music, film, and fashion while breaking new ground in their respective fields.
Zack Fox
Zack Fox
Anna Webber/Getty Images for Moose Knuckles
Comedian, Rapper, and Artist: Zack Fox is known for his sharp comedic timing and irreverent humor, both in his stand-up and online presence. He made waves with his viral song "Jesus Is the One (I Got Depression)," showcasing his unique blend of comedy and music.
This man has been going viral lately for his fineness. Some folks are deeming him “cerebrally fine.” So much so that Zack Fox's mother is confused by the thirsty comments women leave for him online, leading to awkward conversations between them like what “til the room stinks” means.
Skip Marley
Skip Marley
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Reggae Artist: The grandson of the legendary Bob Marley, Skip Marley, carries on the family legacy with modern reggae hits like "Slow Down" featuring H.E.R. His music blends traditional reggae vibes with contemporary R&B. Then again, fine is just in his DNA.
Jharrel Jerome
Jharrel Jerome
Gareth Cattermole/Getty Images for IMDb
Actor and Rapper: Jharrel Jerome won an Emmy for his powerful portrayal of Korey Wise in the Netflix miniseries When They See Us. He's also a rapper, releasing music under the stage name "J Rome." Between the charming smile to the luscious beard, he is just a gem.
Jabari Banks
Jabari Banks
Leon Bennett/Getty Images For NAACP
Actor: Jabari Banks stars as Will Smith in the reboot of The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air, Bel-Air. His breakout role showcases his charisma and acting chops, quickly making him a rising star in Hollywood. Even the way he wears his hat to the side is quintessential fine-ass man energy.
Keith Powers
Keith Powers
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Actor and Model: Known for his roles in Straight Outta Compton, The New Edition Story, and most recently, Netflix's Uglies, Keith Powers has become a familiar face in film and television, with a striking presence both on-screen and in the fashion world. I am personally in love with this man. When he took to TikTok to rap some BossMan Dlow lyrics, he had us all sat.
Kofi Siriboe
Kofi Siriboe
Paras Griffin/Getty Images for Essence
Actor and Model: Kofi Siriboe gained fame for his role as Ralph Angel Bordelon on the critically acclaimed TV series Queen Sugar. He's also known for his performance in the film Girls Trip. According to Ebony Magazine, “He was so spirited, cool, calm, and collected to the point where you felt safe and good in his presence. Few people have that type of effect on others, and it is an aura that goes well beyond his looks.”
Tyler James Williams
Tyler James Williams
JC Olivera/Getty ImagesActor and Singer: Starting as the lead in Everybody Hates Chris, Tyler James Williams has evolved into a versatile actor, currently starring in the Emmy-winning series Abbott Elementary. Nobody hates Chris anymore. His role as Mr. Eddie on Abbott really changed the game. Actually, it’s his broad shoulders and arms that changed the game.
Aminé
Aminé
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Rapper and Singer: Aminé broke onto the scene with his hit single "Caroline" in 2016. Known for his playful, vibrant style, he's become a staple in the alternative hip-hop scene with albums like "Good For You" and "Limbo." Known for his bold fashion statements, the artist draws inspiration from icons like Kanye West and André 3000. His vibrant color choices and eclectic cultural references reflect his unique personality, seamlessly intertwining with his music to create a captivating and immersive experience.
Aaron Pierre
Aaron Pierre
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Actor: If you haven't watched this commanding star's breakout role in Rebel Ridge by now, do yourself a favor and tap in. With that and his turn as Malcolm X in the National Geographic limited series Genius: MLK/X, Aaron Pierre has quickly established himself as a standout talent in the acting world, bringing depth and nuance to every role he takes on. The 30-year-old is known for his appearances in projects such as Old and is the voice of Mufasa in the upcoming live-action prequel, Mufasa: The Lion King. With a commanding presence and a gift for embodying dynamic characters, Pierre continues to leave an indelible mark on-screen.
Jaden Smith
Jaden Smith
Marc Piasecki/WireImage
Rapper, Actor, and Activist: The son of Will Smith and Jada Pinkett Smith, Jaden has carved out his own path in music with hits like "Icon" and fashion through his brand MSFTSrep. He’s also an advocate for environmental issues. He fearlessly experiments with vibrant hair colors like neon pink, red, and green and even goes as far as bleaching his eyebrows. Rather than sticking to a signature hairstyle, Smith keeps his look fresh by effortlessly shifting between twists, locs, and a clean-shaven head, keeping us wanting more.
Smino
Smino
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Rapper and Singer: Hailing from St. Louis, Smino is known for his soulful, genre-blending sound. His albums blkswn and NOIR showcase his innovative approach to music, mixing elements of hip-hop, soul, and R&B. Smino's music explores the complexities of the Black experience in America, honoring his heritage while acknowledging the challenges faced by his community. His experimental vocal style adds a unique dimension to his music, and his commitment to self-love encourages listeners to embrace their true selves. All of this just makes him cool which makes him fine.
Tyler, The Creator
Tyler, the Creator
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Rapper, Producer, and Fashion Icon: A founding member of the Odd Future collective, Tyler has made a name for himself with genre-defying albums like "IGOR" and "Call Me If You Get Lost." He’s also the creator of the fashion brand Golf Wang. We can’t help but agree with The Talon, who reported, “Folks love to be around people with humorous personalities no matter what, so having your favorite artist have an entertaining character aside from music can make any fan love their favorite artist. They appear more lovable to fans. In this case, Tyler, The Creator is a prime example of a witty music artist, considering his interviews, videos, and even a whole TV show based on comedy sketches and playing pranks with other hilarious artists.”
Steve Lacy
Steve Lacy
Jamie McCarthy/Getty Images
Musician and Producer: Steve Lacy, a member of the Grammy-winning band The Internet, has also had a successful solo career. His album Gemini Rights features the viral hit "Bad Habit," showcasing his blend of R&B, funk, and rock. After reading his feature in GQ, it’s clear he is absolutely who he thinks he is. He's calm, wise, and experienced despite his young age. He works hard and has collaborated with many notable artists like Tyler, the Creator, Solange, J. Cole, Blood Orange, Mac Miller, Vampire Weekend, Isaiah Rashad, and more. “This type of conscientious poise — the ongoing awareness of who he is, and what the moment requires from him — is what many associate with Lacy. Lacy is cool.”
Kaytranada
Kaytranada
Olivia Wong/WireImage
DJ and Producer: Kaytranada is celebrated for his eclectic beats and genre-blending productions. His debut album "99.9%" won a Polaris Music Prize, and he’s known for collaborations with artists like H.E.R., Kali Uchis, and Anderson .Paak. The Kaytranada Effect extends beyond his magical production. His soulful and vibey music is a direct reflection of his fineness. There’s a certain mystique about Kaytranada. His low-key personality and reserved nature create an aura of coolness that draws people in
Vince Staples
Vince Staples
Jamie McCarthy/Getty Images
Rapper and Actor: Vince Staples is known for his sharp lyricism and social commentary. His albums like Summertime '06 and Big Fish Theory offer a gritty look at life in Long Beach, California. Is it me, or is the gap particularly sexy? Vince gives 90’s fine, and it’s just so good. Whether through his style, confidence, or overall look, he looks good in a way that feels classic and nostalgic.
Damson Idris
Damson Idris
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Actor: British-Nigerian actor Damson Idris rose to fame as Franklin Saint in the FX series Snowfall, earning acclaim for his portrayal of the ambitious drug dealer navigating the 1980s crack epidemic. In 2022, The Hollywood Reporter named him TV’s Hottest Antihero, saying, “Idris’ stardom and cachet have risen as well. He has posed in his drawers for Calvin Klein and in January walked the runway for Prada in Milan. He texted with Idris Elba about the ultimate fate of Franklin Saint.
"He also has partied with Jamie Foxx at his house, received piano lessons from rapper Saweetie (as seen in a video he posted), and watched the 2022 Super Bowl en suite with Jay-Z, Beyoncé and Rihanna. Idris is also set to host the Essence Black Women in Hollywood Awards on March 24.”
Luka Sabbat
Luka Sabbat
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Model and Actor: Luka Sabbat is a fashion icon and influencer known for his distinctive style. He starred in the TV series Grown-ish and is recognized for his collaborations with major fashion brands. He told L’OFFICIEL, “My style is in line with who I am. It represents my taste in fashion, music, lifestyle… It’s very personal to me, and says a lot about me. Style is deeply rooted in the community, whether it’s music, film, or subcultures like punk or goth. It’s a way of saying “This is who I am” before you even talk to someone.”
Rome Flynn
Rome Flynn
Rich Polk/Getty Images for Paramount+
Actor and Singer: Rome Flynn is known for his roles in How to Get Away with Murder and The Bold and the Beautiful. He’s also pursuing a music career, blending R&B and pop influences. Back in 2020, when xoNecole got to chat with the star, he opened up about dating, love, and his career. The tribe took to the comments to share, “I like his mentality and how well spoken he is. Makes him even more attractive” and “He's really down to earth and level headed. I'm sure he'll continue to grow in his craft and find love.” Another commenter said, “Rome is genuinely a beautiful human being, i love how honest he is and not many people are open and honest like this anymore... Truly refreshing.”
Trevor Jackson
Trevor Jackson
Paras Griffin/Getty Images
Actor, Singer, and Dancer: Trevor Jackson starred as Aaron Jackson in the TV series Grown-ish and has a thriving music career, with R&B albums like The Love Language. When it comes to his potential partner, he previously told us that he would love to be mentally and spiritually aligned. "I feel like we gotta hang out and I think when you really like someone, you can hang out with them and not have to do anything physical with them. I think that's someone I can really laugh with, lay down [with], and not be worried if they're gonna be crazy."
LaKeith Stanfield
LaKeith Stanfield
JC Olivera/Getty Images for Sony Pictures
Actor and Musician: LaKeith Stanfield has starred in critically acclaimed films like Sorry to Bother You and Judas and the Black Messiah. He’s also a rapper, releasing music under the moniker "Htiekal." In an interview with Black Girl Nerds, he said, “I love seeing us. I love seeing Black family dynamics, where the family is full and everyone’s present. Everyone’s there and they’re just a normal family. I love seeing those two pictures, because I think they’re just not there often. There can’t be enough of that. I’m interested in making people realize that there are plenty of Black families that exist together now, and they’re cool. Things like this just humanizes us.
Jeremy Pope
Jeremy Pope
Arturo Holmes/MG24/Getty Images for The Met Museum/Vogue
Actor and Singer: Jeremy Pope is a Tony-nominated Broadway star known for his roles in Choir Boy and Ain’t Too Proud. He also gained recognition for his work in Ryan Murphy’s Netflix series Hollywood. With his captivating presence and striking features, Jeremy has become a heartthrob who embodies our collective fantasies. His eyes, as deep and alluring as a midnight sky, draw you in like a gravitational pull.
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A big part of the clarity that is coming through this month is due to Neptune going direct in Pisces on December 10, after being retrograde here since July. With Neptune now direct, we are able to see our inspiration and creativity a little more clearly, providing the perfect energy for dreams and manifestation to be built upon. The smoke is clearing, and it’s up to you to decide what you want to do with this newfound clarity that this transit is bringing. Mercury also moves back into Sagittarius on December 11, which is great for communication and clarity, and the adventures you were trying to see through at the beginning of November come around for you again with greater purpose and support.
On December 15, Mars enters Capricorn until the end of January 2026, and this is the extra push we need to make important changes and to be on the path towards greater abundance, stability, and prosperity. Mars in Capricorn takes care of business, and we have extra energy at our disposal during this time to do so. This transit is an ideal time to focus on your career or financial goals for next year and to start putting some of these plans into motion now. A few days later, we have the New Moon of the month, which will be in Sagittarius on December 19, and this is the perfect New Moon to manifest.
The energy is high, magic is in the air, and it’s all about moving forward with the new beginnings that are inspiring you and bringing you joy to think about right now.
Capricorn Season officially begins on December 21, and this earth sign energy is how we heal, gain closure, and build new foundations in our world. With Venus also moving into a Capricorn a few days later, there is something about peace, prosperity, and security that we are gaining in life and in love as we close out the year, and this is what we need right now. This month is about reflecting on what was, letting go of old hurt, and renewing. December is an ending and a new beginning in one, and there is magic in this space to be created.
Read for your sun and rising sign below to see what December 2025 has in store for you.
AriesKyra Jay for xoNecoleARIES
December is a full-circle moment for you, Aries. You are seeing the gifts in your world and have a lot of gratitude for the way things have come about for you as of late. There are culminations in your world that are providing you with more abundance, stability, and community, and you are exactly where you are meant to be this month. With the Sun in a fellow fire sign and in your 9th house of travel for most of the month, December is a good time to get out of your comfort zone, explore the world around you, and get your body moving.
Mars, your ruling planet, also makes a change and moves into Capricorn on December 15, which will fuel your inspiration and power in your career space. You are making a lot of professional progress as we close out the year; however, make sure to be more mindful of your competitive drive right now. The New Moon on December 19 is the perfect opportunity for you to create some new plans and goals when it comes to traveling, education, and where you want to gain some new inspiration in your world. Overall, this is a month of things coming together for you serendipitously.
TaurusKyra Jay for xoNecoleTAURUS
December is about trusting your intuition, Taurus. You have a lot on your mind this month, and it’s best to delegate, communicate, and allow yourself some relief by opening up to someone and not feeling like you have to hold everything in. As we begin the month, we have a Supermoon in Gemini happening in your house of income, and the plans and projects you have been building here come to fruition for you now. This is the time to gain clarity on your financial world and to take a look at what spending habits you want to let go of here as well.
With Venus in your 8th house of shared resources for most of the month, you are doing a cleanse on your commitments, partnerships, and business ventures. You are taking a look at what you want to dedicate yourself to in the future, and what commitments you may need to let go of now in order to be in the space you truly want to be, both financially and within some of your relationship dynamics. Before we end the month, we have a New Moon in this same area of your chart, and it’s time to look at the opportunities that are presenting themselves and to trust your internal guidance system to lead you forward.
GeminiKyra Jay for xoNecoleGEMINI
You are moving forward fearlessly this month, Gemini. December is your month of love, passion, and dignity, and you are owning the light that you shine. We begin the month with the last Supermoon of the year, happening in your sign, and you are stepping up to the plate. You are showing up, owning how much you have grown this year, and allowing yourself to heal while also acknowledging that you have done your best and you deserve to have fun in the midst of the changes you are creating.
Mercury, your ruling planet, is officially out of retrograde, and you can use this energy to the fullest potential now. With Mercury in your 7th house of love, it’s time to speak from the heart and to talk about the things that matter and that are inspiring you right now to your loved ones. You never know what kind of epiphanies you may have when you open up the conversation to others. Before the month ends, you have a New Moon in this same love area of your chart, and this New Moon is all about manifesting romance, commitment, and abundance in your world.
CancerKyra Jay for xoNecoleCANCER
December is an opening for more love, more joy, and more freedom in your life, Cancer. You have come to a place where you hold so much gratitude in your heart for where you are today and where your heart is shining, and things come together for you with more ease right now. With the Sun in your 6th house of health, work, and daily routines for most of the month, you are getting your ducks in a row while also putting more energy and effort into taking care of yourself, your priorities, and your well-being. This month surprises you in many ways, and it’s because you are showing up.
Mars and Venus both move into your house of love, relationships, marriage, and abundance this month, and you are making strides in your love life. You have both of these opposing forces on your side and are being recognized for the love you are while also receiving the love you want. This month, overall, is about focusing more on the positives in your world and letting your heart have its joy. Before December comes to an end, there is a New Moon in Sagittarius, and this is the perfect opportunity to create the plans you want to see through next year, especially when it comes to your work life, colleagues, business ventures, and health.
LeoKyra Jay for xoNecoleLEO
The scales of karma are balancing, and they are balancing in your favor this month, Leo. December is your month of truth, and of seeing it clearly in your world. The Sun is in your house of romance, pleasure, and happiness for most of the month, and it’s time to relax, be in the present moment, and allow what is meant to be, to be. With a Supermoon in your 11th house of manifestation as December begins, this is a powerful month for seeing your dreams come to fruition, and for feeling like the intentions you have set this year are finally here for you now.
Mars also moves into your 6th house mid-month, and this is the perfect energy to have to move into the new year. You have extra energy at your disposal right now and are feeling fearless with what is possible for you and your daily routine. Before the month ends, we also have a New Moon in a fellow fire sign, Sagittarius, and this is a breakthrough moment for you and your heart. December, overall, wants to show you how loved and supported you are and will be doing so in magical, unexpected, and concrete ways.
VirgoKyra Jay for xoNecoleVIRGO
December is a month of victory, Virgo. You are showing up and experiencing some new successes in your world that move you forward on your path in life. With a Supermoon in your 10th house of career as we begin the month, the effort and intentions you have made this year come into full bloom, and you are being recognized for who you are and the good work you have done. This month is all about showing up and allowing yourself to be seen and loved, knowing that you deserve the support and opportunities you are receiving.
Mars moves into Capricorn on December 15, which brings the passion and excitement into your love life, hobbies, and little pleasures in life that light you up. You want to have fun this month and are going to be walking into the new year with this fearless, happy, and spontaneous energy within you. Before the month ends, Venus also enters Capricorn, and in this same area of your chart, you have a lot to look forward to and believe in right now. Overall, December wants you to be happy and will be doing everything possible to make that happen for you. This is your month to shine, Virgo.
LibraKyra Jay for xoNecoleLIBRA
December is a month of opportunity for you, Libra. New doors open, and you are financially making breakthroughs this month because of it. December begins with a Supermoon in your 9th house, and you are getting a clearer view of where you have been making strides in your life and how it has all brought you here to this present moment of freedom. This month is showing you what happens when you are fearless with your purpose and when you believe in yourself and what you are worthy of.
Moving further into December, Mars moves into your 4th house of home and family mid-month, and you are closing out the year in your safe spaces. You are spending more time with your loved ones and taking the time to quiet your mind and listen to what your heart has been telling you. Before the month ends, we have a New Moon in Sagittarius, happening in an area of your life that deals with communication. This is a great time for getting the answers you have been looking for and for feeling more clear-headed and confident about the decisions you are making as you move into the new year.
ScorpioKyra Jay for xoNecoleSCORPIO
Patience is a virtue this month, Scorpio. December is all about remaining patient and vigilant with what you are creating in your world, and knowing that the universe has your back. It’s time to be reminded of the power of hope, and this month is an opening to greater clarity in your life. There is a lot of energy in your financial zones right now, and this is providing you with new opportunities and new insight; however, the speed at which things come about for you may feel daunting. Keep your head up and eyes focused on what you want and know that you are more than worthy of receiving it.
With Mercury in your 2nd house of income this month, December is a good time to plant new seeds and to think about where you want to be financially a month from now or even a year. This month is asking you to think bigger and to think more long-term so that you can set the appropriate plans into motion now. We also have a New Moon in your house of income before the month ends, and this is when you will see more of your dreams come to fruition in this area of your life, and have more opportunities to build. Overall, December will be teaching you a lot, Scorpio.
SagittariusKyra Jay for xoNecoleSAGITTARIUS
Sagittarius Season is here, and there is a lot in store for you this month, Sag. December is all about what you are dedicating yourself to. It’s about setting your intentions and putting the work in to back up your dreams, and about getting things in order so that when the new beginnings come, you are ready for them. The Sun and Venus are in your sign for most of this month, and there are a lot of eyes on you right now. You have the potential to create a new beginning for yourself, and it’s time to invest in yourself, your love life, and your dreams.
Mercury moves into Sagittarius on December 11, and this is giving you another opportunity to see through some of the plans that you had initiated in November. Mercury was retrograde in your sign last month, and there may have been some disruptions to your vision and plans for the future, and now this energy is turning around for you. Before the month ends, we also have a New Moon in Sagittarius, and you are walking through new doors fearlessly. You are catching others by surprise by your growth this month, and you are thinking a lot about your purpose, future, and plans for the new year.
CapricornKyra Jay for xoNecoleCAPRICORN
December is all about the vision, Capricorn. You are moving through a lot of changes and transformations this month, yet they are giving you a chance at a new beginning in the process. You are focused more on the future and what goals you want to manifest for yourself right now, and are ready to let go of what hasn’t been working for you. With the Sun in your 12th house of closure for most of December, this is your time for healing, but remember, healing doesn’t have to be isolating or boring; you can thrive while you renew, and you are this month.
Mid-month, the excitement picks up for you, and you are feeling more energized than you have in a while. Mars moves into Capricorn until the end of January 2026, and you are being proactive with your goals, intentions, and passions. You are a force to be reckoned with this month, and you are making things happen for yourself with confidence. Capricorn Season officially begins on December 21 this year, and this is definitely speeding up your healing process. You are breaking free from what was, and with Venus also moving into Capricorn before the month ends, you are leaving this year in high spirits and with love opening a new door for you.
AquariusKyra Jay for xoNecoleAQUARIUS
December is all about community, creativity, and manifestation, Aquarius. This is the month to work together with others to help bring your dreams to life. You are in a space of inspiration, empowerment, and beauty, and are creating more of this energy around you and in your world. Look out for what support comes your way this month and know that you don’t have to do everything alone to succeed. With the Sun in your 11th house of manifestation and friendship, your intentions are coming to fruition, and it’s time to celebrate with the people you love and to own how far you have come this year.
On December 19, we have a New Moon in Sagittarius, lighting up your life in all of the best ways possible. This is your New Moon of freedom, victory, and magic, and you are seeing new beginnings appear that you were once just hoping for. Before the month comes to an end, Venus moves into your 12th house of closure, and after an active and successful month, you are ready to relax, heal, and give your heart some of the attention it has been asking for. You are moving into the new year with the need to release and renew what hasn’t been working in your relationships, and you are finally ready to.
PiscesKyra Jay for xoNecolePISCES
December is a big month for you, Pisces. You are making some huge accomplishments this month, and are feeling like everything you have been through this year has been worth it for these moments that are coming to fruition for you now. The Sun is in your 10th house of career and reputation for most of the month, and this is where a lot of your focus is right now. You are claiming your successes and putting yourself out there in ways that not only serve you, but that inspire others as well.
Neptune officially goes direct on December 10, after being retrograde in your sign since July, and you are finally seeing things a little more clearly. You are feeling renewed inspiration and passion in your life, and your intuition is your strongest asset right now. Before December comes to an end, we also have a New Moon in your 10th house of career, and what happens now not only changes things for you in the present, but it also opens new doors and what is possible for you in the new year as well. Overall, you are on top of your game this month and are owning the joy and empowerment you feel.
Featured image by Kyra Jay for xoNecole
Oh, but there are plenty of people whose egos have them thinking that they can read someone else’s mind. Then there are others who have fantasies, which create unrealistic expectations that others in their lives actually should read their mind. And you know what — both of these things can cause unnecessary stress, drama, and trauma, if folks aren’t careful.
And that’s why I think it’s important that we unpack this a bit more. Because if you’re someone who thinks that if another person truly cares for you, they should be able to read your mind, it’s time to let that ridiculous yet semi-popular notion absolutely and completely go.
Here’s why.
It’s Scientifically Impossible for Someone to Read Your Mind
There are a couple of reasons why I am starting this off with R&B singer Avant. For one thing, I don’t think that he gets nearly enough flowers and secondly, clearly, this is a more-than-fitting song for today’s topic, wouldn’t you say? Because, lawd, there really is something that makes some of us feel all warm ‘n fuzzy about the mere thought of a man telling us that he is so in tuned with us that he can basically read our mind.
Hmph. Problem with that is, as I said in the intro, it is scientifically impossible (for us and for AI to do, praise the Lord!). And yet the fact that so many individuals think that they defy scientific data and research is oftentimes why there are so many breakdowns in communication — because if you run on assumption (that you can read someone’s mind) without clarification and confirmation, you can create issues that didn’t exist before you decided to fall for your own mind-reading theories.
Now to be fair, while science is still trying to figure out why we can’t read minds, what is sure is that we do have the capability to perceive the thoughts and actions of others if we’re willing to pay really close attention. However, do keep in mind that reading and perceiving are different. Reading? It’s about being able "to apprehend or interpret the meaning of" and "to anticipate, expect, or calculate by observation." Perceiving? It’s all about “to become aware of, know, or identify by means of the senses” and “to recognize, discern, envision, or understand.”
And already, do you see the differences? So much certainty comes with reading while perceiving is about humbling oneself (bookmark that) to not try to know everything but instead to try and understand what is transpiring. And since no one person (or their mind) is ever truly static, that is a huge part of the reason why believing that you can read someone’s mind — no matter how close you may be to them — is futile. You can change your mind on a dime. Others can do the same. Learning to perceive what is going on instead of assuming that you can “read” folks is far more beneficial.
Besides, you might be surprised by a particular demo who thinks that if you are truly who they need you to be, you will read their minds — and boy, once you know who they are, that may cure you of the whole “read your mind” ish…quick, fast and in a hurry.
The Expectation Is Oftentimes Rooted in Egomania
GiphyWhile doing a bit of research on this topic, I thought it was interesting that a particular type of person kept coming up. Can you guess which one? A NARCISSIST. What I kept noticing is a telling sign of a narcissistic individual is they expect others to read their mind.
I must admit that I was caught off guard by that at first because narcissists and their damn egos are so out of control (bookmark that) that it would seem like they would be more focused on acting like they know the thoughts of other people. Here’s the thing, though — the reason why narcissists want others to read their mind is because they want you to do things like guess what they want and need before they ask — and they want that to happen because they believe that they are so damn special that you should put in the extra blood, sweat and tears to figure it all out. Hmph. Now that tracks.
Another reason why narcissists want you to be able to read their mind is so they can manipulate and deflect. Meaning, if you say and do things based on what you thought they wanted you to, should everything crash and burn, they can dodge accountability and blame you for it. Hmm, does reading someone’s mind seem romantic and beautiful now? SMDH.
And again, all of this is tied to ego because, at the end of the day, mind-reading is a form of control and narcissists are definitely very controlling people. And honestly, mind-reading is as well because why do you even want to know someone’s private thoughts before they share them and, at the same time, why would you want someone to have that kind of power in your life either? “Eww” is what immediately comes to my mind. “Yuck” is what follows.
So, why is it that so many people think that it’s a good thing to have someone read their mind — I mean, the ones who don’t show narcissistic tendencies, that is? Good question.
5 Reasons Why Some People Wish Someone Would/Could Read Their Mind
GiphyOkay, so ego and pridefulness aside, what would be some other reasons why people think that it’s such a wonderful thing if someone who they are in some sort of intimate relationship with can read their mind.
1. They are caught up in Disney and rom-coms. One day, I am going to do an article on all of the ways that Disney and rom-coms have destroyed the reality of relationships. For now, I’ll just say that the scripted tales of both have caused a lot of people to think that if someone loves them, they should be able to read their mind. Nooo…if someone loves you, they should care to know what is on your mind. And that brings me to the second point.
2. They aren’t as good at communicating as they think. Are you a good communicator? One way to know if you are is you’re able to clearly articulate your wants and needs — because really, if you are able to do that, why should anyone even need to read your mind? Feel me? Let’s move on.
3. They want someone else to work harder at their relationships than they do. I say it in my sessions often — it’s beyond crazy to think that someone should work harder at figuring out what your wants, needs and expectations are than you are willing to express them. Hmph. It makes me think of a friend of mine who says that “should” is a dangerous word. What she means by that is saying that someone should do or not do something simply because YOU THINK that’s how it “should” go is a surefire way to stay disappointed and even be disillusioned. No, your man shouldn’t just know what you want every year for your birthday. Did you state it? If not, why aren’t you playing fair? Who has time for all of the guessing games and then getting penalized if they guess wrong? Stop it.
4. They think it’s the sign of a healthy relationship (it isn’t). Anyone who knows me knows that I am always and forever going to be Team Healthy over Team Happy and my reason why never changes. Only children expect to live in a world where they are happy all of the time — and yes, there are a lot of childish people out here. People who want their mind read? They tend to live in happy land. Meanwhile, a healthy relationship knows that clear communication, mutual respect, keen listening, patience and understanding that humans make mistakes are foundational to its success.
5. They are lazy. And yes y’all, some people want others to read their mind because they are lazy and it really is just as simple as that. Thing is, while they are being passive aggressive, dropping hints or giving the silent treatment so that you can figure out whatever it is that they…want you to figure out, that tends to take more effort than simply speaking up. Ridiculous, chile.
How to Let the Myth Go
GiphyGee, after reading all of this, suddenly reading minds just seems like a lot of silliness with a sprinkle of drama and potential trauma, doesn’t it? And it’s all because some people choose to treat something that is a myth like it’s a bona fide fact. SMDH.
And what if you happen to be one of those individuals? How do you break free? COMMUNICATE. Openly, clearly and maturely share what’s on your mind and heart because, the true tell of a solid relationship isn’t that someone can read your mind; it’s that they can retain what you’ve already stated.
Less reading. More perceiving. That’s the secret sauce.
And when you accept this for what it is, you will realize that it’s far better for you, your partner and your relationship to stop expecting the impossible and to accept what is actual: that learning your partner, as they strive to do the same thing with you, is better than you both assuming that you know what…maybe you do, maybe you don’t.
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Author Frank Sonnenberg once said, “People can’t hear what you don’t say. Thinking isn’t communicating” — and I think this is a perfect place to bring all of this to a close.
Find the kind of relationship(s) where intention is so strong that mind-reading isn’t even desired.
At the end of the day, it really is as simple as that.
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