Toni Childs and Joan Clayton were more than friendship goals. They were life. I was in middle school when Girlfriends first came on the air, and in college when it ended. Growing up watching their epic friendship, it only made sense to want to have a friend like that. But when Girlfriends made its comeback on Netflix, I couldn't help but cringe at their relationship during my binge sessions. Toni's colorist remarks and Joan's self-righteous attitude were just the tips of the iceberg. They couldn't do life without each other. They were one another's soulmates. But their lives didn't complement one another. Instead, their codependency proved to be toxic to the point they would cross so many disrespectful lines, break-up, only to come back to each other again... until they didn't.
Suffice to say, it's so easy to find ourselves giving our lives to relationships. They're your person and we all need one of those. But over time, little and big things could add up to a codependent friendship that is beyond unhealthy, full of manipulation and guilt-tripping (even if it's subconscious). We all love our friends, but this type of attachment just isn't healthy. Here are the signs you could be in a codependent friendship.
1.You're A Fixer
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One sign that you are in a codependent friendship is that you spend your energy trying to fix and solve your friend's problems, sometimes letting your own go unnoticed. You're always the first (and often the only) person they call to come and save them, knowing you'll drop everything and show up for them. You feel like you're the only person who can be there for your friend, and they let you because that's all they know.
2.You Feel Anxious If You Don’t Talk To Them
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You tend to go beyond giving your friend a side-eye if you haven't talked to them in a while. In a codependent friendship, you can't function if days go by and you haven't spoken. You feel like you need to talk to them so they can guide you through your daily life.
3.You’re Selfless To A Fault
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You find yourself sacrificing and putting your friend first with nothing in return. You rarely prioritize yourself because you're afraid you could come across as selfish. They might even say things to make you feel that way. In return, your own needs sit unmet on the back-burner.
4.You’re Jealous If They Hang Out With Other Friends
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Especially without you. You know you're their best friend, and you believe they shouldn't have their own circle outside of your relationship with them. You find yourself getting envious and feeling threatened if they get too close with another person rather than developing a community of your own.
5.You Feel Drained
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If you're honest, in a codependent friendship, you feel drained after spending time with them. Whether it's one always calling to use the other as a soundboard for their problems (big and small) or being extremely needy and clingy, making you feel guilty for having a life outside of them. You pour your life and energy into the other person, hardly ever filling your own tank.
6.Your Identity Is Tied To Them
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In codependent friendships, you don't know who are you without them or when they're not around. Your self-worth, value, and identity are connected to your friendship with them. Yes, it feeds you, but you might feel like you're starving if they're not by your side.
7.You Can’t Make Decisions Without Them
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There's a difference between wanting to share life moments with a friend, and feeling like you need their "OK" or permission to make those moments. Another sign of a codependent friendship is that you feel like you can't make any major decision without them. Taking a new job (especially in another city), dating a new guy, or going back to school has to go through their checklist of approval.
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Those rumors were more than laid to rest when Jodie and Joshua went to the 2023 Oscars together earlier this year, and even more recently, when they celebrated her birthday together last month during the September unveiling of the Lotus Emeya.
Jodie Turner-Smith celebrates her birthday with husband Joshua Jackson at the unveiling of the new fully-electric Lotus Emeya on September 07, 2023 in New York City.
Brian Ach/Getty Images for Lotus
Despite seeming particularly happy and in love, perhaps the writing was already written on the wall even then. In the past, Jodie has been very celebratory publicly about her love for her estranged husband, even boldly recounting their love story for the books in a 2021 interview with Seth Meyers.
When Jodie and Joshua met, it was while at his birthday party in 2018. Their relationship was hot and heavy from the start, with Jodie openly noting that they began as a "one-night stand." During her 2021 interview with Seth Meyers, she jokingly referred to their love story as a "three-year one-night stand." She shared:
"First of all, I saw him before he saw me and when I saw him, I was like, 'I want that.' And then when he saw me, I just pretended like I didn't see him. He had to yell across the room to me, and I was wearing this T-shirt from a movie called Sorry to Bother You and [actress] Tessa Thompson plays a character called Detroit, and she has this T-shirt that says, 'The Future Is Female Ejaculation.'
"And so, he shouts across the room, 'Detroit!' He comes over and… does this really cute, charming thing that he does and just all night -- he just basically followed me around the party."
The couple were together from that moment forth, and even made things "Instagram official" less than two weeks later while on a dinner date. Joshua would later clarify to Insider that the night they met in 2018 was not a 'one-night stand' or a 'three-year one-night stand' like his then-wife joked but instead, it was "technically a three-night stand."
"It was sealed with a kiss that night and then we didn't leave each other's sides for, well, three years now," Joshua continued at the time.
In a July 2021 interview with Jimmy Fallon, Joshua dropped more details about the why behind getting married. He revealed that he didn't know he wanted to get married to Jodie until "the moment she asked me."
"She asked me on New Year's Eve. We were in Nicaragua. It was very beautiful, incredibly romantic, we were walking down the beach and she asked me to marry her."
He added, "I did not know [she would propose], but she was quite adamant and she was right. This is the best choice I ever made."
Joshua Jackson Reveals Jodie Turner-Smith Proposed To Him
Jodie received quite a bit of flack for proposing to Joshua because it goes against tradition and what society sees as acceptable for a woman to do to a man, and proposing isn't one of them. No matter how much time has passed, the viewpoints around who should do the proposing and who should be proposed to are still very traditional.
After being on the receiving end of such backlash, Joshua would later clarify to the media in a separate interview that it wasn't just Jodie's proposal to him that sealed the deal of them getting married, he proposed to her too. She might have initiated it, but Joshua followed through.
"I accidentally threw my wife under the bus because that story was told quickly and it didn't give the full context and holy Jesus, the internet is racist and misogynist," he explained to Refinery29 that same year. "We were in Nicaragua on a beautiful moonlit night, it could not possibly have been more romantic."
David M. Benett/Dave Benett/Getty Images
He continued, "And yes, my wife did propose to me and yes, I did say yes, but what I didn't say in that interview was there was a caveat, which is that I'm still old school enough that I said, 'This is a yes, but you have to give me the opportunity [to do it too].'"
"She has a biological father and a stepdad, who's the man who raised her. [I said], 'You have to give me the opportunity to ask both of those men for your hand in marriage.' And then, 'I would like the opportunity to re-propose to you and do it the old-fashioned way down on bended knee.' So, that's actually how the story ended up."
Joshua and Jodie would eventually marry in December 2019. Shortly thereafter, Jodie gave birth to the couple's first child, Janie, in 2020.
In a recent interview with Elle UK, Jodie shared the ways becoming a mother to Juno helped to heal her of her wounds from colorism she experienced in the past. "It's interesting because I had a lot of resistance to becoming a mother and, throughout my life, I always said if I were to have children, I wanted to have Black, Black babies so that I could affirm them as children with the love that I felt I needed to have been affirmed with by the outside world," Jodie shared with the outlet.
She continued, "Then I fell in love with my husband and we talked about having kids. I did have this mini pause, where I was like, 'She's going to be walking through the world not only having an experience that I did not have, but looking like people that, in a way, I'd always felt a little bit tormented by.' Now that I've got this little, tiny, light-skinned boss, I feel like it’s the universe teaching me lessons. I've been given a daughter who looks this way to heal my own conversations around colorism."
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