The law of attraction is tricky. A few years ago, I felt something was deeply wrong with me because I kept attracting people who hurt me. No matter how hard I tried to fix myself, and alter my energy, the same type of people kept coming my way. I'd talk to my friends about it and ask them, "Why do I keep attracting this type of person? Why do I keep having the same experiences?"
It took me a while to realize that the biggest thing I was doing "wrong" was not recognizing the power I had in choosing the people I let into my life. Blaming myself for the people I was "attracting" was pointless because I had no power or control over who was attracted to me. None of us do.
Instead of asking ourselves, "Why do I keep attracting this type of person?" we should try asking, "Why do I continue to give energy to people who show signs of not being a good fit for me?"
To have healthier and more fulfilling relationships, we must be intentional about who we entertain and make space for in our lives. We have to own our decision to continue patterns with people because they provide us with a familiar discomfort we’ve become accustomed to settling for. While we aren't responsible for the way people treat us, we are responsible for understanding why we decide to stay.
So, how do we lay the foundation for choosing the right people?
1. Show up as yourself.
When we first meet someone, it's tempting to show up as our representative or be the person we think someone is looking for. To find people we're compatible with, we must be brave enough to be ourselves, even if that means not being liked or accepted. As long as we find the courage to radically love, value, and accept ourselves, we put ourselves in the position to meet people with whom we can sustain healthy and meaningful relationships.
2. Build a relationship with yourself.
Being disconnected from ourselves can make it hard to be connected with other people. Learning to love, honor, and respect ourselves helps us create a strong foundation for building healthy relationships with other people. When we feel safe with ourselves, we'll feel more confident when putting ourselves out there to get to know others. When we begin having conflicts, which is guaranteed to happen whenever people get to know each other, we'll be able to communicate our needs and boundaries to increase intimacy in the relationship. If the relationship doesn't work out, we're less likely to blame ourselves and more likely to trust that we can make more fulfilling connections in the future.
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3. Don't be afraid to look "needy."
Sometimes we're afraid to ask for what we need to feel safe or comfortable in a relationship because we fear looking "needy." When we present as "needless," we end up in a community with people that like being around us because we don't ask for anything. As a result, the relationships become one-sided as they grow more comfortable and content with not doing anything for us. As the relationship progresses, we attempt to let our needs be known and grow resentful as our requests go unnoticed. Being open about our needs helps us discover people we're compatible with in friendship and romance. Having needs is one of the things that makes us human, and some of these needs can only be filled when we're in relationships with other people. Remember, sometimes you're not asking for too much; you're simply asking the wrong person.
4. Let people unfold.
Sometimes we commit to people too quickly. We become captivated with the idea of someone, and when the truth of that person is revealed, we are disappointed, or worse, we're in denial. Natalie Lou, the author of the Baggage Reclaim Series, always reminds readers that "people unfold." Over the course of getting to know someone, we may discover signs that unveil incompatibility. If we're not careful, we'll overlook those signs and keep moving forward because we don't want to be wrong about someone.
We don't want to be alone again. We don't want to stop being friends with someone. But, in the end, we hurt our own feelings by choosing to deny the reality of our situation. We also draw out the ending of what would likely be an unfulfilling relationship. The more time we spend engaging with people we aren't compatible with, the less time we spend connecting with people we fit well with.
5. Choose people that choose you.
Stop chasing after people who are running away from you. Some of us learned that we were difficult to love, and we internalized that our relationships would be challenging and filled with uneasiness. When we receive mixed signals, crumbs of attention, or poor treatment, we're prepared to fight and perform to sustain the relationship and prove ourselves. Our nervous system gets triggered, and we mistake those feelings of uncertainty for attraction and love. But that's not love, and we are worthy and deserving of so much more.
We deserve mutuality. We deserve to be around people who want to be with us as much as we want to be with them. We shouldn't be in a state of constantly questioning if someone is as invested as we are, nor should we be performing for love. Choose people that choose you—no forcing, no begging.
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6. Become comfortable with impermanence.
Everyone you meet and build a relationship with won't stay in your life forever, and that's okay. Everyone isn't meant to stay. Sometimes we try to prevent people from leaving or refuse to walk away because we're uncomfortable with endings. More importantly, we're uncomfortable with what endings say about us. By trying to control whether or not people stay, we're attempting to control the uncontrollable. It's a losing game, and we end up hurting ourselves and others in the process. Longevity in a relationship is not an indicator of health or fulfillment, nor does it serve as a reflection of our worthiness.
7. Stop making excuses for people.
When we feel unlovable, we can have a strong desire to stop other people from feeling the same way. We'll try to accommodate, justify and tolerate unacceptable behavior in other people because we don't want to be mean or reject people. We aren't responsible for protecting other people from rejection or disappointment. If we're being honest, sometimes we struggle with the idea of rejecting someone because we don't want to deal with the pain of being rejected and assume others can't handle it either. When people hurt us, we lean into being too understanding instead of assessing the relationship and establishing boundaries. Don't fall into the trap of blaming yourself for someone else's behavior in hopes that if you take responsibility, you can evoke change. Part of being in healthy relationships and establishing respect is showing others you have the strength and courage to protect yourself.
Taking responsibility for our lives is scary, but it's where healing begins. While we can't be in control of everything, we can exercise our power to choose. Letting people into our lives isn't a passive activity. The relationships we choose to pour energy into play a significant role in our happiness and well-being. Give yourself the love, compassion, and foundation you need to choose wisely.
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Anyway, I personally think that the less shallow folks out here may contemplate calling things “quits” or they at least distance themselves a bit from their partner (and what I’m referring to is serious relationships) due to all of the stress and strain that oftentimes comes with the holidays whether it be financial, familial, due to their tight schedules or something else.
Listen, I would hate for you and your man to miss the fun and happiness of experiencing this time of year, all because you are so overwhelmed or irritated that you can’t really enjoy it. That’s why I have a few practical tips for how to avoid allowing the typical holiday season stress from INFECTING your relationship.
Manage Your Expectations
GiphyUnmanaged expectations. If there is a main reason why the holiday season tends to be so stress-filled for so many people, I’d bet good money that this is the cause. And when you’re in a long-term relationship, expectations can manifest themselves in all sorts of cryptic and/or unexpected ways. You might have relatives who assume that you are going to be with them for Thanksgiving or Christmas when you have other plans in mind. You might be thinking that you are going to spend one amount for presents while your man is thinking something totally different. When it comes to scheduling, your signals may be crossed.
And you know what? To all of these scenarios, this is where clear and consistent communication come in. Don’t assume anything. Don’t dictate anything either. From now until New Year’s, mutually decide to check in once a week, just to make sure that you are both on the same page as it relates to the holidays and what you both are thinking will come along with it. The less blindsided you both feel, the less stressed out you will be. Trust me on this.
Set (and Keep) a Budget
GiphyOkay, so I read that last year, 36 percent of Americans incurred some type of holiday-related debt. Hmph. Last year, there was still some sense of normalcy in this country, chile, so I can only imagine what finances are gonna look like over the next several weeks. That said, since I don’t know a lot of people who don’t find being broke stressful, make sure that you and your bae set a budget and then stick to it this year — no ifs, ands or buts.
Because really, y’all — it doesn’t make sense to deplete savings and/or max out credit cards for a few days of giggles only to be damn near losing your mind because you don’t know how to make ends meet come Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. Day.
And by the way, this tip doesn’t just speak to things like food and gifts; I also mean travel. If it doesn’t make a ton of sense (or cents) to be all over the place this year — DON’T BE.
Keep Matthew 5:37 at the Forefront
GiphyIf off the top of your head, you don’t know what Matthew 5:37 says, no worries, here ya go: “But let your ‘Yes’ be ‘Yes,’ and your ‘No,’ ‘No.’ For whatever is more than these is from the evil one.” That verse right there? Oh, it’s a boundaries lifesaver! I say that because do you see “maybe” or “I’ll think about it” in there? Nope. LOL. It says that you should tell people “yes” or “no” and leave it at that — and that complements Anne Lamott’s quote, “’No’ is a complete sentence” impeccably well. Yeah, you’ve got to remember that anything beyond a yes or no to a request is privileged information; you don’t owe anyone details or an explanation.
Besides, if you are really honest with yourself, when someone asks you something and you give a “Umm, let me think about it” kind of reply, more times than not, you already know what your answer is going to be — so why not let you both off of the hook? Give your response. Commit to that. And let everyone (including yourself) get on with their lives and schedules.
I promise you that when it comes to those holiday parties, you are pissing more folks off by not RSVP’ing or doing so and not showing up than just saying, “Thank you but not this year” off the rip.
Remember That Your Personal Space Is Privilege Not a Right
GiphyA friend of mine recently bought a new house and invited me over to come see it. He’s a single man with no children, so as I was taking in all of the space that he had, especially as I walked through his finished basement, I joked about relatives coming to live with him. “Hell no” and “absolutely not” were pretty much his immediate responses as he went on to say that some folks even had the nerve to be offended when he told them that he had no intentions on taking DNA in.
Ain’t it wild how people think that your stuff is their right? And yes, that brings me to my next point. Your home is your sanctuary space. If you want to host folks this year — cool. If not, ALSO COOL. Please don’t let folks (family included) guilt you into how they want you to act or even into what they would do if the shoe was on the other foot. You are not them — and as one of my favorite quotes states, “If two people were exactly alike, one of them would be unnecessary.” (A man by the name Larry Dixon said that.)
Hell, my friends? They know that I am good for sending them random things that they need or even want all throughout the year. Coming over to hang out at my pace, though. Uh-uh. Chalk it up to being a card-carrying member of the ambivert club yet I like keeping my living space personal — and I sleep like a baby, each and every night, for feeling that way.
Always remember that your space, your time, your resources, your energy and shoot, yourself period (including your relationship), are all things that are your own. You get to choose how, when and why you want to share them. The holiday season is certainly no exception.
Cultivate Some “You Two Only” Traditions
GiphyIt’s not uncommon for some couples to hit me up after the holiday season to “detox.” Sometimes it’s due to the financial drama (and sometimes trauma) that they experienced. Sometimes it’s because they allowed their relatives (especially in-laws) to get more into their personal business than they should’ve. More than anything, though, it tends to be because they didn’t get enough quality time together and so ended up feeling “disconnected.”
Please don’t let that happen. Listen, I’m not even a holidays kind of woman and yet, I will absolutely sit myself down with some hot chocolate and chocolate chip cookies to enjoy a Hallmark holiday film or two. Aside from the fact that most of them are lighthearted and sweet, I also like that they usually focus on couples loving on each other amidst all of the holiday beauty and ambiance — which is something that all couples should set aside some time to do.
Maybe it’s a vacation. Maybe it’s a staycation. Or maybe it’s my personal favorite, A SEXCATION. Whether it’s for a few days, the weekend or even overnight — don’t you let the holidays go by without setting aside time for you and your man to celebrate one another. Don’t you dare (check out “Are You Ready To Have Some Very Merry 'Christmas Sex'?”).
GET. SOME. REST.
GiphyI once read that 8 out of 10 people get stressed out over the holidays and 3 out of 10 lose sleep during to it — and when you’re stress-filled and sleep-deprived, that can absolutely lead to hypersensitivity, making mountains out of molehills and even not being in the mood for sex.
Your relationship can’t afford to go through any of this, so definitely make sure to prioritize rest. I don’t care how unrealistic it might seem during this time, sleep should never be seen as a luxury; it will always and forever be a great necessity.
That said, try to get no less than six hours of shut-eye in (check out “6 Fascinating Ways Sex And Sleep Definitely Go Hand In Hand”) and even ask your bae to take a nap with you sometimes (check out “Wanna Have Some Next-Level Sex? Take A Nap, Sis.”). Not only will sleep help to restore your mind, body and spirit but, when it’s with your partner, it’s an act of intimacy that can make you both feel super connected, even in the midst of what might feel like chaos.
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Holiday season stress is real. Still, never give it the permission or power to throw your relationship off. Put you and your man first and let the holidays be what they are gonna be, chile.
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That’s why, over the years, I’ve been intentional about figuring out ways to get more agua into my body without feeling like it’s a chore or something to dread. And now, I want to pass some of those hacks on to you, just in case you happen to totally relate to where I am coming from.
If something that you want to do more of right through here is get extra H2O into your system, here are 10 tips that can absolutely help to make that possible.
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1. Invest in a Fun Water Bottle
There’s a far greater chance that you are going to drink water if you have a water bottle around you. So, cop yourself a cute one — one that will help you to stay motivated. A tumbler that I purchased some time back, just because I thought it was cute as hell, simply says, “Make Better Coochie Decisions” (amen?-LOL). Honestly, that doesn’t just have to apply to sex but how you treat your vagina overall — and that includes making sure that “she” has all of the fluids that she needs.
2. Try Some Sparkling Water or Mineral Water
At this point, I should take stock in Waterloo. It currently is my favorite kind of sparkling water and it has definitely made getting more water into my system easier to do. That’s because I will add some limes to it or a bit of fruit juice to it and that makes drinking water less “meh” for me. Another type of water that has bubbles in it is sparkling mineral water; it can also be beneficial since it contains magnesium, potassium and calcium.
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3. Go Halfsies with Your Other Drinks of Choice
Speaking of making some all-natural soda (which is basically what happens when you add juice to sparkling water or sparkling mineral water), you can find yourself drinking more water while consuming less calories if you fill up your glass with half of your favorite fruit juice and half of some sparkling water. More times than not, the juice doesn’t even taste watered down. Try it before you doubt me.
4. Collect Some Infused Water Recipes
I’m forever gonna be a fan of infused water; that’s because it’s water that has fresh fruits and/or veggies in them — and it doesn’t get any healthier than that. Plus, infused water tends to take on the taste of whatever fruits or vegetables that you put into the water (if you let the stuff soak for a couple of hours), so that the water doesn’t taste so boring and bland. Wanna try a few recipes? You can check out some here and here.
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5. Make Slushies Instead of Smoothies
Are you someone who enjoys consuming smoothies? Well, if you want to get more water into your system, how about going with a slushie instead? Although it is true that some smoothies have water as a base, the most bomb ones use milk (or a milk alternative) or yogurt. Slushies, on the other hand, typically go with crushed ice (which is frozen water) instead. That said, some (pardon the pun) cool slushy recipes can be found here, here and here.
6. Use Water As Your “Drink Chaser”
Another great thing about water is it can help to keep you from overeating; it does that by causing you to feel full if you drink it while you are eating. And speaking of calorie-counting, if you don’t want to give up your favorite drink at mealtime, one way to keep from downing 2-3 glasses of it at a time is to use water as your “chaser.” What I mean by that is, after enjoying a glass of your favorite beverage, “chase it down” with a glass of water. That should satisfy your want for what you want without overdoing it.
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7. Eat Foods That Are High in Water Content
Another way to get more water into your body is to eat foods that have a ton of water in them. Some that top the list include lettuce (96 percent); cucumber (95 percent); zucchini (95 percent); celery (95 percent); strawberries (91 percent); cantaloupe (90 percent), and peaches (89 percent).
8. Have a Ball with Your Ice Cubes
Ice cubes are frozen water, right? That’s why most of us prefer to enjoy our drinks before the ice cubes melt because melted cubes water down whatever it is that we are consuming. And so, for this very reason, add more ice cubes to your drinks — and have fun making them. You can add juice, fruit and/or mint leaves while making your cubes. That way, they are aesthetically-pleasing; plus, they will also add more flavor to your water once the ice cubes actually melt.
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9. Add Some Non-Alcohol Cordial to Your Water
If you’re fine with just having a tad of taste in your water, why not add a bit of cordial to it? Cordial is simply a type of tonic, syrup or sweetener (that can contain alcohol or not) that can help to make your water more…interesting. Some alcohol-based cordials can be found here. Some non-alcoholic recipes are located here.
10. Technically, Herbal Tea Counts
Tea is always gonna be my thing. That’s why I’ve penned articles on it for the site like “10 Different Ways Herbal Teas Can Fit Into Your Beauty Regimen”, “10 'Uncommon' Teas You Should Add To Your Stash (& Why)” and “I've Got 10 Teas That Will Help You To Age (Even More) Gracefully” And y’all, if you want to get a lot more water into your system yet a tall glass of water only isn’t your — pardon the pun — cup of tea, make some iced herbal tea instead.
It’s basically water with some herbs tossed in and, if you add some honey or raw organic coconut palm sugar to it, it will be a really sweet treat that will still be extremely hydrating (and very healthy) for you.
Water that is a bit more exciting for you…now. LOL.
Drink up!
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