Aight single ladies: even if there is a part of you that isn’t all that thrilled about Valentine’s Day (for whatever the reason), I promise you that there is an extra special reason to get excited this year — it falls on a Friday which means that you can turn it into a staycation and it can be one that’s filled with nothing but plans for how to celebrate your own damn self. And yes, sis, that is a good thing.
As an ambivert, I must admit that I constantly live in a state of staycations (LOL) because I enjoy my space and spending time with myself just that much. And, even though I’m personally not a “holidays person,” I must say that for those who do observe them, I think that taking staycations (vacations at home or in your city) during those days can be cool because you can center them around a theme — and what better theme can there be than love? Including self-love.
I’m telling you, devoting an entire weekend to rest, recharge, and holistic pampering, I’m not sure if life gets any better than that. So, why not seize the moment this Valentine’s Day weekend by incorporating (at least some of) the following 10 tips?
1. Get Yourself a Body Pillow
GiphyAs a doula, I’ve gotta admit that the only time a body pillow really comes to mind is when I’m talking to a client about how she can make her second and/or third trimester more comfortable as far as sleep is concerned. However, when I was recently talking to a single woman about how she hates that her king-size bed feels so empty yet she’s not ready to put a warm body in it, “Get yourself a body pillow” came out of my mouth.
The truth is body pillows are great, in general, when it comes to supporting great posture, helping you to sleep better (if you happen to be a side sleeper), improving blood circulation, reducing snoring, helping you to toss and turn less throughout the night and even soothing aching muscles and joints. Plus, it gives you something to cuddle with. So, if you want to treat yourself to something unique that’s super practical at the same time, get a body pillow this Valentine’s Day. It’ll be one of the best investments that you’ve made in quite some time.
2. Buy Some Sexy/Comfy PJs Too
GiphyUnless you sleep in the nude, it’s a good idea toswap out your pajamas every 4-5 days or so. That way, between all of the dead skin cell shedding and sweating, you can be proactive about taking care of your skin as well as your bedding. Okay, but how often should you purchase a new pair of PJs? Well, when you stop to think about the fact that you are in them for 5-8 hours every night, every 6-9 months is probably a good idea. That said, if it’s been a couple of years longer than that since you’ve invested in some, Valentine’s Day is just as good of a time as any, wouldn’t you say?
And don’t get those granny-looking ones either. Just because you’re single, that doesn’t mean that all you have are dated moo-moos (although I’ve had some husbands sing the praises of those before — LOL) and oversized flannels in your near future. Pajamas that are made out of cotton are good so that your skin can breathe; however, try and go for something sexy like a baby doll set or a tank and some boy shorts. Science backs up the fact that how we choose to dress impacts our self-esteem — why would you think that only applies to how you look while you are outside of the house?
3. Put Some Flowers in Your Room
GiphyPersonally, I adore fresh flowers. Yet if you happen to be someone who doesn’t see the point in them, thinks they are a waste of money, and/or feels like it’s kinda-sorta ridiculous to get your own self a bouquet — let me just say that there is plenty of research out here to support the fact that flowers help to put you in a better mood, decrease stress, reduce indoor air pollution, lower blood pressure and even make you more attentive.
Know what else is interesting? Red and yellow flowers can help you to feel more comfortable, cheerful, and calm. Red roses are pretty much the signature flower for Valentine’s Day — and now you’ve got some really solid reason to get yourself a dozen of ‘em.
4. Have Your Favorite Meal Delivered
GiphyIf I were to ever have a social media platform or podcast, one thing that you will never hear outta me is that I am not Team Cooking. Cooking is healthier for you and (before this guy because POTUS) it’s significantly cheaper too. That doesn’t mean I don’t have a DoorDash account, though — and I am absolutely not afraid to use it! Sometimes, ordering a meal can feel indulgent because, not only are you letting someone else prepare what you enjoy eating, it is being hand-delivered to you too.
Since everything that we’re talking about today is how to set the stage for a bomb-sss staycation, definitely get food sent to you. No dishes to clean up is a very necessary step when it comes to chilling out and relaxing all Valentine’s Day (weekend).
5. Take Yourself on a Date
GiphyAgain, since Valentine’s Day falls on a Friday this year, this gives you the entire weekend to date yourself. Go to your local farmers’ market. Enjoy an indoor picnic. Check out an indie concert. Stop by a coffee shop, write yourself some love letters (check out “Every Woman Should Write A Love Letter To Themselves”), and then mail them to your house on the way home. Be a tourist in your own city. Go ice or roller skating. Schedule a photo shoot (for yourself).
Take yourself shopping. Read at least three chapters of a book or watch an entire movie while in the bathtub. Spend the night at a swanky hotel. Remember, at the end of the day, a date is a way of spending quality time with someone. Since Valentine’s Day is a day that celebrates love, why not spend quality time with who should be your favorite person: YOURSELF.
6. Or Go on a Virtual Tour
GiphyAnd what if what I just suggested sounds great in theory; however, you’re really just not in the mood? Well, another way that you can still “date yourself” is to open up your laptop and go on a virtual tour. For instance, if you’ve always wanted to go to Greece, Peru, or Ireland or you’re curious about Antarctica or the Amazon Rainforest, you can click here to check these places out up close and personally. Wanna learn more about Africa? There are several virtual tours available here.
To tell you the truth, these days, there are virtual tours that cover just about any place that you can think of. Personally, I think that this is a cool thing to do on a staycation because you can “be somewhere” from the comfort and convenience of your own home, and/or it’s a proactive way to put a plan together so that you and/or some friends can go on a trip before the year is out.
7. Give Yourself a Scalp and Foot Massage
GiphyIf you’ve “got it like that,” something else that can make this a really special single girl’s Valentine’s Day staycation event is to have a massage therapist give you a massage (check out “12 Different Massage Types. How To Know Which Is Right For You.”) at your home. However, if coins are tight, you can still pamper yourself by engaging in a DIY scalp and foot massage. Both reduce stress. Both release tension. Both make for an amazing night’s sleep.
Tips for how to give yourself a stellar scalp massage can be found here. Tips for how to give yourself a wonderful foot massage can be found here. And definitely don’t forget to incorporate some soothing essential oils. I’ve got a list of some for you right here.
8. Start a Self-Love Scrapbook or Journal
GiphyQuestion: What tangible memories do you have of how you love yourself? Weird question, right? Still, that doesn’t make it an invalid one. I can only imagine how much better we’d all feel about ourselves if we actually had a self-love scrapbook to refer to — one that consisted of receipts from pampering days, self-love quotes that we enjoy, some of our favorite pictures of ourselves, written down memories of some ah-ha moments of transformation that particularly standout…anything that reminds us of loving ourselves (that can fit into a scrapbook).
If you like the idea and yet need some inspiration, check out Skillshare’s “40 Beautiful Scrapbooking Ideas to Try.” Or you can use this as an opportunity to get a fresh journal — one that is dedicated to nothing but mantras, quotes, song lyrics, and thoughts pertaining to how to love yourself more and better. Make sure to put the dates and times of your entries in. There’s nothing like seeing actual documentation of your own self-love journey and growth.
9. Turn It into a Sleepover with Your Friends
GiphyJust because you’re single, that doesn’t mean you have to spend Valentine’s Day alone — if you don’t want to. One woman I know, she hosts a Valentine’s Day party for the single men and women in her life every year. Another one? She has an old-school sleepover where her girlfriends wear heart PJs, watch throwback rom-coms, and eat every form of junk food known to man (and woman). Definitely one of the reasons why Valentine’s Day feels lonely for some people is because they think that love only means romantic love and that absolutely could not be further from the truth.
If the idea of using this coming Valentine’s Day weekend to fall off the grid to mankind isn’t your idea of a good time, you can always call a friend or two to spend the night with you. Or, you can have a virtual sleepover with homies who live elsewhere. You can learn more about how to execute one of those here and here.
10. SLEEP. IN.
GiphyIf you don’t have to work this Valentine’s Day weekend, why not sleep in? When you stop to think about the fact that sleep reduces stress, improves your mental health, reduces your blood sugar levels, helps you to maintain a healthy weight, and strengthens your heart — how could putting your phone on DND (Do Not Disturb) and not setting your alarm NOT be an act of self-love? The world will still be waiting for you once you roll out of bed.
In honor of a phenomenal single woman’s Valentine’s Day staycation, let it wait. Sis, I’m pretty sure you’ve earned it. SLEEP. IN. (Yay!)
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It sounds good, right? Refusing to settle is damn near the tagline for easily 40 percent of social media posts. However, when it really comes down to it, what does that actually mean? And more importantly, what does not settling require you to do?
Whether you wonder if you’re somehow settling for less or you’re simply ready to have way more in your world than you do right now, here are some things that you are going to need to be willing to do in order to live a life that says that you didn’t settle, in any facet of it, at all.
What Does It Actually Mean to “Settle”?
GiphyRefusing to settle. It’s something that is said so much these days that I’m not even sure we know what it actually means anymore. I say this because being arrogant, entitled, and/or expecting someone else to do for you what A) you won’t do for your own self and or B) you wouldn’t do for them in return. That isn’t the definition of “not settling.”
Actually, "not settling" is more about being so self-aware that you refuse to allow people, places, things, or ideas to influence or impact you to the point where you end up living a life that is less than what will bring out the absolute best in you.
Not settling is about moving around this earth in such a way that you know that, when it comes time to take your last breath, you have very few regrets because you prioritized having a high quality of life of richness and true fulfillment above all else.
Quality of life. When you think of your career, is it bringing out the best in you? When you think about your friendships, are your friends bringing out the best in you? When you think about your relationship, is it bringing out the best in you? The choices, both big and small, that you make on a daily basis — can you honestly say that you are intentional about choosing who and what will bring out the absolute best in you?
If you can’t firmly say “yes,” sis, on some level, you are settling — and as one of my favorite quotes of all time (by writer Maureen Dowd) says, “The minute you settle for less than you deserve, you get even less than you settled for.”
What you deserve. If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a billion times over. “It” being that, by definition, in order to have what you deserve, you need to be qualified to have it (yes, that is literally what “deserve” means). So, when it comes to not settling because you want no less than what you deserve in this world — what energy and effort are you putting into making sure that YOU ARE QUALIFIED to have such things? Yeah, you’d be amazed by how many people end up settling in this life and it’s (mostly) because they missed this very crucial step.
If you are someone who gets that and simply looking for some signs to keep from settling, here are five that I want you to seriously take to heart.
You Rarely Step Outside of Your Comfort Zone
GiphyI hate to admit it but with me being an ambivert and really liking (I mean really liking) being at home, I haven’t been on an official vacation since my 20s (no exaggeration). I have traveled to see family (that is not exactly what I would call a vacation — LOL). I have gone to see friends and my godchildren (see what I said in the previous sentence — LOL). I have traveled all over for work and had some fun in the process. However, planning some time to get off of the grid and do NOTHING but rest and relax? Yep…late 20s.
And although I’m not exactly afraid to fly, I’ll be the first to say that it’s not my favorite thing on the planet to do — and with these planes currently falling out of the air right now (although reports say that is in our heads more than anything)? Oh, I would definitely be getting out of my comfort zone to travel right now.
And so long as I use some wisdom and discernment about when and where I go, that’s a good thing because people who stay in their comfort zone tend to live stagnant lives and/or live in fear (of the unknown) and/or don’t take risks and/or don’t try new things and/or don’t challenge their current way of thinking and/or overthink way too much and/or never really reach their full capacity — and all of these are sho ‘nuf signs of settling for a less-than life.
Me? I need to stop talking about taking a vacation and actually book one — and yes, I need to get my ass on a plane to get there. In my world that is a form of getting out of my comfort zone.
What do you need to do? Something tells me that, deep down, you know.
You Walk on Eggshells in Your Relationships
GiphyIt really is wild how songs will immediately come to my mind, whenever I write on particular topics. Today, it’s one that I haven’t thought about in a hot minute: John Mayer’s “Say.” (For the record, “Daughters” is forever gonna be one of his best offerings; it’ll preach). If you know it, then you know that the hook says, on repeat, “say what you need to say” — and if you’re not doing this in your relationships, you’re settling. In order for people to really connect with you, they have to know you and they can’t do that if you are holding things back or…in.
For the record, I’m not speaking of lacking tact, timing, or maturity in your message or delivery because a part of what comes with solid communication is knowing how to do it effectively.
No, what I’m speaking of here is making sure that you’re not walking on eggshells with others: tensing or clamming up — you know, basically biting your tongue — when you want to share your perspective or a boundary; constantly worrying about what the consequences may be for bringing up your true feelings or opinions; letting other people hijack the conversations that they have with you; constantly walking away from interactions with other people feeling like you were gaslit or manipulated; and being nonconfrontational to an absolute fault, and/or feeling too insecure to be your genuine self.
What causes some of us to become this way? Well, if you’ve been reading my content for a while now, you know that I am a huge fan of the quote, “Adulthood is surviving children” and there is more and more intel coming out these days that if you were raised in an emotionally unpredictable environment, you can find yourself wanting to do whatever to keep the peace, even as an adult. If hearing that triggered you, you might want to consider seeing a therapist/counselor/life coach in order to get the tools to “reprogram you” in this department.
Because to go through life listening to folks express their thoughts and feelings while you don’t? GIRL, YOU ARE ABSOLUTELY SETTLING.
You Don’t Showcase Your Originality
GiphyMarch marks 10 years since my dad left this earth—and boy, if there is one thing that seemed to consistently trouble him is the aftermath of growing up around people who seemed to fight against his originality instead of embracing it and that is a horrible way to live. In some ways, I saw people try to do the same thing to me. An example?
I’m old enough to remember when a certain sorority would do something called The Jones Awards and I believe it was my freshman year (freshman or sophomore; it’s been a minute) when they gave me the “What the hell do you have on?” award. People laughed. It was mean. I didn’t really care, though. My mom is a New Yorker and never really wanted us looking like…mall dressers. LOL. And so, yes, I had my own individuality and, to this day, strangers will say, “Where are you from because we know it’s not from Nashville.” It is high praise.
Y’all, if I was out here trying to think/look/act like people around me, I doubt that I would’ve accomplished, shoot, 70% of what I have (already done) in my life because I needed to feel confident in my personality, my convictions and uniqueness in order to convince others that I could get certain things done. Hell, my original approach to things is a big part of what’s even kept me with this platform. Being original has taken me far and it can do the same for you. I say that because to be original is to be the first (and there is only one you). To be original is to be authentic. To be original is to be new, fresh, and inventive. Why would you want to settle for anything less than that?
It is the late Aaliyah who once said, “I stay true to myself and my style, and I am always pushing myself to be aware of that and be original.” Staying aware of the fact that no one is better than you in the sense that, there is nothing to really compare AN ORIGINAL to, that really should give you the confidence and courage to not conform. Conforming is settling. And yes, sadly, people do it all of the time. And that’s why they end up being a toy soldier instead of being truly memorable.
You’re Not Doing What Is BEST for You
GiphyPeople who talk to me on a consistent basis know that if there is a self-created motto that I will stay on-repeat about, it’s “Never mistake familiar for good and good for what is right.” Chile, I promise that if you factor that into your life decisions, it will help you to sidestep quite a bit of nonsense. Plus, if you’re someone who wants what is right for you, you will find yourself leaning into what is best for you as well.
Something (or someone) that is the best for you? It’s not just about having the highest quality of something (or someone); it’s also about carefully selecting the people, places, things, and ideas that will prove to be the most suitable for you. Suitable means things like appropriate, proper, becoming, correct, useful, relevant (that’s a good one) and comfortable to you. And y’all, in order to get to what and who is best, there’s a pretty good chance that you’re going to have to release some stuff and folks because, again, not settling is about cultivating an unmatched quality of life and some things (and people) are simply hindrances to and for that.
Example: There is someone I know who keeps going back to the same guy because he is familiar; however, so much has transpired since they first started dating that they are mistaking nostalgia for anything currently substantial (i.e., relevant). As a result, she is not accepting that he is not right for her which means that he is not who is best for her. Her mind knows it and yet she keeps letting her emotions get in the way (which is again why I can’t stand the saying “follow your heart;” the Bible clearly says that the heart is deceitful and heart means “center of emotions” — Jeremiah 17:9-10).
And so yes, when it comes to this guy, she is settling. BIG TIME. And when you settle in a (serious) relationship, it’s almost inevitable that you will start to do the same thing in other areas of your life. For shame, FOR SHAME!
Now, please make sure to really spend some time on the definitions of "best" before making any moves because it is definitely where the big kids play. What I mean by that is, that just because something is best for you, that doesn’t mean it’s always going to feel like it at the time. Her letting that guy go is what’s best even if, for a season, it’s going to hurt. However, in the grand scheme of things, by choosing what is “your best,” your life, long-term, will become so much better.
Listen, there’s no way that doing what’s best for you won’t result in life gifting you with some pretty unexpectedly amazing things as a direct result…if not immediately, in due time.
“Meh” Would Describe Your Lifestyle
GiphyTime. It goes by so much faster than we think. That’s why it’s so important — crucial even — to avoid doing things that will waste your time (check out “These Bad Habits Are Totally Wasting Your Time” and“Love Is Patient. But Is Your Relationship Just Wasting Your Time?”). Know what else? You should opt out of whatever won’t help you to live a life that is educational, exciting, purposeful…a life that is far from being “meh.” Meh is an actual word and it means things like indifferent, uninspiring, boring (check out “Bored All Of The Time? Here's What's Really Going On.”).
That said, if there is ANY area of your life where this word would apply, YOU. ARE. SETTLING.
So…what and/or who are you indifferent (feeling average or routine) about?
What and/or are you uninspired by?
What and/or who is boring you?
Why is that the case? Because to simply live in that energy without any real answers? Whew-whee is that settling and the fact that the moments in this lifetime are pretty fleeting, take this as the biggest sign ever that it is time to make some serious changes.
You need to be able to get up, every single day of your life, and be able to name at least three things that are exceptional about you and your world, that inspire you to aim higher and tap into your creative, exploratory, and even risky (health risks, that is) side. People who live like that? Chile, they rarely, if ever, settle for much of anything at all!
___
Author Jim Rohn was right when he said, “If you are not willing to risk the unusual, you will have to settle for the ordinary.” And goodness — why should you, a complete and total original, settle for ANYTHING that is ordinary?
To do so wouldn’t just be sad, it would be criminal.
Especially when it comes to who you are as a person — please, sis — never (EVER) settle.
It’s totally beneath you.
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