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7 Tips For Anxious Attachment Styles That'll Help You Love More Securely
Anxiety is something that can rear its ugly head in all sorts of places, whether it be at work, with self, or in our relationships with other people. Earlier this year, we spoke about attachment styles based on attachment theory, a concept that explores how parent-child relationships influence the way we love and form attachments in important relationships later in life. According to said theory, people form attachments in four ways: secure, anxious-preoccupied, dismissive-avoidant, and fearful-avoidant. For a quick recap of the more anxiety-prone attachment styles – anxious-preoccupied and fearful-avoidant – check out our article, "What Your Attachment Style Says About Your Love Life". Although there were four attachment styles discussed, in this article, we want to focus solely on the ones that speak more to the anxious types.
So, we recently spoke with award-winning psychotherapist and relationship expert, Rhonda Richards-Smith, who provided some real-life tips in an effort to help women navigate through some of these attachment styles while dating and in relationships with people.
Advice To Overcome Anxious Attachment Styles In Dating
1.Be prepared to unlearn a lot of things.
Many of us carry a "false sense of loyalty and legacy" when we think about the things that we were taught over the years as it relates to all types of relationships. As much as we respect and honor what our parents or guardians taught us, we also have to acknowledge that our parents don't know everything, and sometimes the advice is not applicable to our lives.
Rhonda recalled some of the wisdom her dearly departed grandmother (God rest her beautiful soul) would constantly tell her when it came to relationships. For example, she would say things like, "Just make sure they love you. Don't worry about you loving them back." Although Rhonda knew it was coming from a loving place because her grandmother wanted to protect her from hurt and disappointment, Rhonda also learned and knew that it wasn't necessarily true or the greatest advice for her. Moreover, just because she didn't necessarily agree with the advice doesn't mean she loved her any less.
Oftentimes, "we look at the source and not the quality of what people are saying. You can love someone, respect them, and care about them, but they can still give you advice that's just not applicable to your life." Nevertheless, Rhonda encourages us "to be mindful about the messages that we take in. We have to be critical about what our thoughts and our feelings are, and make sure that they're true to what we believe versus what others impose on us."
2.Be flexible in your relationships.
There's a tendency to assume that our current relationships will be exactly like the relationships we observed through our parents and family. For example, people who were raised in a home with both parents either: strive to replicate their relationship based on what they saw, or they will do whatever they can to make sure it looks nothing like what they witnessed. Conversely, for someone who grew up in a single-parent home, there isn't as much pressure to replicate what they saw. Hence, "it allows a bit more flexibility and creativity within the relationship."
Either way, we crave what's familiar even if it was chaotic or dysfunctional. So, if it doesn't show up in the relationship, then we assume it must not be a real, healthy or it must not be love. Moreover, when the relationship starts to look different from what we saw growing up, even if that "different" is good to us and good for us, it can feel like a "betrayal when we don't adhere to everything we saw or were taught."
Nonetheless, whether we came from a two-parent home or a single-parent home or some other dynamic, the reality is that "most of our parents or family members did the best that they could with what was at their disposal, but what may have served them then, may not serve you today."
Although it may feel uncomfortable or it may require some courage, give yourself permission to release certain traditions for the sake of your relationships. Be open to the fact that your journey may look completely different, understanding that what may have worked for someone else may not necessarily work for you.
3.Be committed to doing the self-work.
Not only is it important to consider what we take in from others, but we also have to think about what we're telling ourselves, as well as how we engage with our partners. Rhonda encourages us to seek clarity and consistency, and we do that by being vulnerable with the people we're with, the people we're surrounded by, and/or even with a therapist or trusted advisor.
Personally, I relate to both of these anxious attachment styles especially when it comes to feeling as if I'm waiting for the ball to drop or someone to hurt me. It wasn't until I started going to therapy and really started to dig deeper and realized that so much of who I am and my behaviors is directly connected to the absence of my father. Now, I'm able to better manage a lot of the anxiety and those feelings of doubt a lot better because of it; which in turn, is also helping my marriage as well as how my people-pleasing tendencies show up in other relationships.
So, don't be afraid to do the work and dig deeper by having real, open, candid conversations.
4.Be intentional about engaging in mutually beneficial relationships.
No matter the relationship – lover, family, friend, etc. – there has to be mutual work on both sides. It can't be one person doing all the work. For example, "Men have to be just as invested in making the relationship work as women are" whether that's through counseling, reading books, attending seminars, or more.
As Rhonda explained, "Both partners need to have an independent level of understanding and awareness. You have to find a happy medium. Otherwise, these anxiety-filled attachment styles can lead to all or nothing or an unhealthy dependence on each other."
5.Be willing to take risks.
There are never any guarantees when it comes to life and love. There will always be a risk, but how we were raised or the things we've been told have made some of us risk-averse.
Think about a time when you were actually going to take a risk, but then, someone discouraged you from doing it. Later, you realized that they were merely projecting their fear and reservations onto you. That's why Rhonda suggests that we actually start taking more risks in other areas of our lives. We can't just be risk-takers when it comes to relationships. "It has to be a lifestyle shift. The more you take risks in other areas of your life, the easier it'll be to do in your relationships."
6.Be ready and willing to forgive.
Contrary to the Disney princesses' fairy tale endings, life isn't perfect and neither are relationships. However, having a willingness to forgive prepares you for the inevitable ups and downs that will occur in your relationship. Hence, instead of immediately defaulting to planning an exit strategy due to anxiety, fear, or the thought of someone leaving you, you're more prepared for the disappointment and more likely to take a step back and figure out how it is that you're going to forgive.
Of course, if there are major red flags or unhealthy behaviors within the relationship, then, it might be time to decide if you should stay or go. But choosing to leave just because you're scared, anxious, or worried doesn't have to be your first option.
7.Be willing to shift your mindset and focus on the secure attachment style.
Part of managing or changing these attachment styles also means shifting your focus from what you're not doing well to more of what you should be doing. It's "understanding what the secure attachment style looks like, why it's important, and why it's the healthiest attachment style" when it comes to your relationships.
As with most anything in our lives, you have to have what Rhonda refers to as a "North Star". Metaphorically speaking, the North Star helps keep you grounded and focused. It's a constant, reliable force despite whatever else is going on around you. Let the secure type serve as a your "attachment style North Star" and a reminder for what you want to strive to be - "straightforward with people…avoiding passive aggressiveness." It's a reminder to be "clear and communicate with your partner in terms of your needs, and also be receptive to their feedback."
Ultimately, the goal is to have secure attachment so that regardless of the relationship, "you can weather storms in a healthy way, maintain your self-worth, and focus your energy on what could happen in the future versus what happened in the past."
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Shonda Brown White is a bestselling author, blogger, life coach, and brand strategist. When she's not jumping out of a plane or zip lining, she's living the married life with her husband in Atlanta, GA. Connect with her on social @ShondaBWhite and her empowering real talk on her blog.
This article is sponsored by Hulu.
UnPrisonedhas returned for its highly anticipated second season, delving deeper into the complex dynamics of the Alexander family.
The series premiere comes a year after its debut season garnered rave reviews from fans and critics and earned record-breaking ratings for Hulu's Onyx Collective brand. UnPrisoned's success can be attributed to its raw, relatable themes and comedic appeal.
Inspired by creator Tracy McMillan's life, the show follows Paige (Kerry Washington), a therapist and single mother whose life takes an unexpected turn when her father, Edwin (Delroy Lindo) --who was released from prison-- moves in with her and her teenage son, Finn (Faly Rakotohavana).
Throughout UnPrisoned's first season, viewers witnessed how Edwin's incarceration deeply affected Paige's life and relationships. In the series, Paige unpacks her trauma through interactions with her inner child and her online followers. Meanwhile, Edwin is overcoming specific struggles with his own past that led to his life of crime, including a dysfunctional upbringing and his mother's arrest. As the Alexanders attempt to reconcile, new challenges arise.
This new season promises to further explore their unconventional family dynamic. Here are several compelling reasons why season two of UnPrisoned should be on everyone's watchlist.
The Alexander Family Life Is Still In Shambles
UnPrisoned's second season resumes where the series left off, with Paige grappling with the fallout from her troubled therapy practice and Edwin navigating life independently after moving out. Meanwhile, Finn faces his own challenges. The teenager is battling anxiety and seeking information about his father—a topic Paige avoids discussing.
The Alexander Family Are Attending Therapy To Resolve Their Underlying Issues
Amid the chaos in their lives, the Alexander family decides to mend their bond by confronting their past traumas. They seek professional help and attend therapy sessions with a “family radical healing coach,” played by John Stamos, a new cast member. This collective effort aims to unravel the complexities of their shared history and strengthen their relationships.
The process of unraveling each character's internal conflicts and their potential impact on future relationships may clash with Paige's textbook therapy approach. While Paige is used to being in the therapist's seat in both career and family, this forces her into the unfamiliar role of a patient during therapy sessions. This shift would compel her to look in the mirror and try a radically different approach.
The Alexander Family Learned A Big Lesson During A Therapy Session
In therapy, the Alexanders are tasked with addressing their individual traumas to salvage their remaining relationships. One of the family therapist’s eccentric suggestions was an exercise involving a family wrestling match. During this session, Paige faces tough questions about her refusal to share information about Finn's father.
While it's unclear whether this scene is reality or fantasy, the image of the family duking it out in the ring certainly makes for hilarious yet compelling television.
Paige Tries Dating Again Following Failed Relationships
Amid her life's chaos, Paige decides to step back into the dating field. However, her many attempts have left her with mixed results. The dating apps have turned out to be a fail, and an outing with her ex Mal (Marque Richardson), who is also her father's parole officer, doesn’t go quite as expected after he brings an unexpected guest – his new girlfriend.
The situation takes an awkward turn when Mal's new partner learns why the former couple split, partly due to Paige's self-sabotage.
UnPrisoned Is A Perfect Balance Of Comedy And Drama
As a dramedy, UnPrisoned takes a comedic approach to its heavy subjects. The show takes us on a ride with Paige's dating misadventures and navigating a friendship with her ex.
Other lighthearted moments include Edwin's attempts at CPR based on online videos and, of course, the antics of the Alexander family's unconventional new healing coach.
The second season of UnPrisoned is now available on Hulu.
UnPrisoned | Season 2 Trailer | Hulu
Feature image courtesy
'Love Island USA' Star JaNa Craig On The Reality Of Black Women On Dating Shows
Love Island USA just wrapped up its sixth season, and it has been the talk of the town. According to Nielsen, it's the No. 1 show on streaming, proving it's just as entertaining as the UK version. One of the reasons this season has been successful is due to the authentic relationships formed between the islanders in the villa.
You have the sisterhood between Serena Page, JaNa Craig, and Leah Kateb, aka PPG, and the real relationship moments between couples like Serena Page and Kordell Beckham, who were named the winners of this season. The other finalists include Leah Kateb and Miguel Harichi, Nicole Jacky and Kendall Washington, and JaNa Craig and Kenny Rodriguez.
While JaNa made it to the finale with her boo Kenny, her journey in the villa was far from perfect. Viewers saw the Las Vegas native get her heart stomped on a few times after many of her connections didn't work out.
At one point, it even looked like she was getting kicked off the island. While she had a lot of support from people watching the show, it was clear that she was in a position that many Black women on reality dating shows find themselves in: not being desired.
It has been an ongoing conversation among Black women watching reality dating shows as we see time and time again that non-Black women or racially ambiguous-looking women are often chosen over Black women, especially dark-skinned women. In a discussion with Shadow and Act, JaNa opened up about the support she received from viewers.
@cineaxries i love them 🤧 #janacraig #janaandkenny #loveislandusa #foryou #peacock #loveisland #janaloveisland #xybca #kennyloveisland #janaedit #loveislandedit #janaedits #loveislandusaedit #viral #loveislandusaseason6 #foryoupage #peacocktv
"You know what’s so crazy? I’m so grateful, because when I got my phone, the way they’re making us The Princess and The Frog…I felt honored. I will be that beautiful chocolate queen if I need to be. And the comments like 'beautiful chocolate girl,' I’m like, all Black women are beautiful. There’s the whole light skin versus dark skin, which breaks my heart. I just really don’t understand that, but I will take pride and represent us well," she said.
She also candidly discussed her experience as a dark-skinned Black woman on the show. JaNa and Serena had been in the villa since the first episode, and they were the only dark-skinned Black women there. As new men aka bombshells came into the villa, they found themselves not being wanted by many of them.
"Me and Serena literally had a heart-to-heart before Kenny came in and she’s like, I just don’t think it’s fair that the Black girls don’t get enough fair chance.' Every islander that came in, we were not their top pick. And we just [thought], maybe because we’re Black girls, and the dark-skinned Black girls. It sucked," she said.
"I’m like, 'Serena, we know what we bring to the table. We’re great personalities. A guy’s going to come in for us.' That’s when we manifested what we wanted, and that’s when I manifested Kenny."
@ashleyvera__ We love to see it 🥰 #loveislandusa #loveisland #loveisland2024 #janaandkenny #loveislandseason6 #peacock #realitytv #fypage
After many failed connections, Kenny came in and immediately turned JaNa's experience around. America watched the model get the care and attention that she deserved.
"I’m not going to hold you. When I was in the bottom for a quick second, I’m like, ‘There’s no way America doesn’t [ride for us]. I know Black America had to ride for me, but maybe because I’m a dark-skinned … hmm … maybe … you feel me? And you saw the Casa Amor lineup. Beautiful, beautiful light-skinned [women]," she said.
"We looked at each other like, 'Damn, Love Island did their big one with this. And every single Casa Amor girl was like, 'You girls are gorgeous, you guys are stunning.' They expressed love. You guys are beautiful and it felt good."
Although she and Kenny came in third place, JaNa is happy that she got her man in the end. "I think the thing I’m most grateful about is the fact that this is a beautiful love story like you guys complement each other and there’s no hate toward the skin color. It’s all love and support. I love that more than anything," she said.
"That’s why I was like, 'I won,' even though I didn’t win. And the fact that Serena won, we were like, 'Yeah, run that.' Either way, we won. And I love the support from all communities."