Being that I am a marriage life coach, I often get asked if I subscribe to interfaith marriages. Well, being that I am also a Bible follower (not an evangelical by any stretch, but I do strive for discipleship—John 8:31-32), I have to take into account that the Bible has interfaith couples. One that immediately comes to mind is Boaz and Ruth. He was Hebrew, she was a Moabite—there you have it; an interfaith relationship. (By the way, if you read the story, you might change your tune about "I'm waiting on my Boaz."
If you want to be pursued, you're not waiting on a Boaz kind of man. Ruth—and Naomi—did a significant amount of the work in that love story. Check the records.) So were Moses and Zipporah and King Xerses and Esther. I think you get the gist. So no, I can't say, right off the rip, that interfaith relationships or marriages are "bad" or wrong.
Apparently, I'm not the only one to think that either. While in the United States, around 69 percent of married people say that their spouse shares their faith, there is a remaining 31 percent whose spouse does not; that number continues to climb too. As I did some additional digging around, I also discovered that while about one-third of all evangelical marriages end in divorce, that number jumps up to 50 percent if the union is an interfaith one. Also, if an evangelical marries someone who isn't religious at all, that divorce rate jumps to 62 percent. So clearly, although a lot of people are dating and marrying someone who doesn't share their faith, there are some risks that come with making the decision to do so.
That's why, if you're currently seeing someone who has a different faith than you or you're single and considering getting into an interfaith relationship, while it's not something that you should automatically write off, there are some things that you should think long and hard about before moving forward.
Is Your Goal Dating or Courtship?
If you're someone who "dates to marry", then this first point doesn't really apply to you. But since I know that there are a ton of people who can totally relate to articles like "Single Minded: So, What If You Like Dating But DON'T Desire Marriage?", that's why I thought this was a good starting point. While a lot of religious people, of any faith, feel that there is no need to date if you're not looking for something long-term, I know that some individuals do it for other reasons than to find a serious partner. Some people date in order to meet new people and gain fresh perspectives. Some people date simply because they enjoy the company of others. Some people date in order to figure out what they ultimately do want for their future. This is why it's so important to know why you do the things that you do. Are you dating simply to create some memories and have a good time in the moment? Or are you hoping that dating will turn into courtship (because no, dating and courtship aren't one in the same)?
I personally know of some couples who ended up breaking up because they did not ask themselves this question before getting into an interfaith relationship. Six months to a year in, they ended up coming to the decision that their different faith perspectives were too much to try and make their relationship go the distance. Feelings were deeply hurt because of it. This happens more than a lil' bit, so definitely ask yourself if you would go into an interfaith dynamic for casual reasons or, if it is long-term, if you are prepared to make some serious compromises in order to keep the connection intact (see "Interfaith Marriages Can Require Big Compromises").
Are Your Core Values and Principles Going to Be Compromised in Any Way?
Speaking of compromise, since I know that there are a lot of Christian women who support our site, and since I'm also aware of the fact that there are literally dozens and dozens of different denominations within the Christian "umbrella" (several sources say that there are around 200; you can cite that info here and here), it's worth mentioning that you can date a Christian but if they aren't apart of the same denomination as you, there can still be conflict. I've dated a Muslim before and honestly, when it came down to our core values and principles, we got along pretty well. Oh, but when I dated someone who was a Christian but wasn't the same denomination as I was—back when I was a part of one—pardon the pun but all hell broke loose. While we're here, please don't believe that non-denominational or interdenominational don't have strong denominational influences. I attended a "non-denominational church" for years but the influence was clearly what the first lady was—COGIC.
My point is this—when it comes to our core values and principles, if you're looking for the kind of relationship that is going to be long-term, you need to be with someone who complements both of those. How do you prioritize your career? How important is family to you? What are your views on sex? Where do you stand when it comes to political and social justice issues? What qualities do you value most in a relationship? What place do you give to boundaries and self-care? And yes, how important is religion to you? Don't assume that if you're Baptist who is dating someone who is Church of Christ or even is also Baptist that the relationship will automatically be smooth sailing. At the same time, don't assume that someone who is Buddhist or Bahá'í won't align with you in some unexpected ways.
The key is to know where you stand and then not to compromise on those things if you feel like you will be sacrificing the core of who you are in order to do so. At the end of the day, one of the articles that I read stated something that I agree with—"80% of those who are in an interfaith marriage believe that having similar values is more important than having a similar faith." Values over faith. Definitely not something that needs to be underestimated.
Will You Both Respect Each Other’s Beliefs?
I won't lie. Some of my most heated discussions involve the topic of religion. Hmph. Don't even get me started on Kanye. See, I'm already triggered. It's cool to have people in my world who are Christian, Jewish, Muslim, Buddhist, Bahai, Catholic, agnostic, atheist—I've even had some interesting conversations with Satanists before (heads up—Satanists don't subscribe to worshipping Satan but self; a lot of people don't know that). The reason is they can provide insights and perspectives that 1) I've probably never considered before and 2) can help to either strengthen my own faith or compel me to do more studying and researching. Y'all, you can't end up coming to this conclusion if you don't respect the religious views of others—first.
If you're not hearing someone else out, you're being disrespectful. If you think you've got so much "truth" that you are condescending and patronizing (I am floored by how many people of one faith try and actually tell someone of another faith what that person's faith is all about instead of listening to them), you're being disrespectful. On the dating tip, if what you're actually doing is "missionary dating"—meaning, you claim it's dating but really what you're doing is trying to convert someone—you're being disrespectful. If all you seem to be able to do is see the good in your faith and the "bad" in someone else's, you're being disrespectful. If you're trying to invoke—or provoke—fear into someone in order for them to see things your way, you are being disrespectful. If you are flippant and dismissive about how someone else views God or a higher power, yep—you are being disrespectful.
I'll tell you what—if there is an irony that comes out of interfaith relationships, it's the fact that it has the ability to reveal to people if they are as "godly" and "loving" as they think that they are. Because if you are dating someone of a different faith and you are rude, offensive and intolerant—what kind of religion are you in? You might want to seek another one. Real talk.
If the Desire Is Marriage and Kids, How Will You Raise Them?
When it comes to this particular point, the person who immediately comes to my mind is Bill Maher. No matter what you think about him, if you're considering or are already in an interfaith relationship, I encourage you to watch (or re-watch) his documentary from back in the day entitled Religulous. Not only does it touch on some points that are definitely worth pondering, it also provides a great example for why I brought up this part of the article up. Bill? He had one parent who was Catholic and one who was Jewish. Geeze. I'm not sure if it gets more extreme than that, just on the Christ points alone. That's why I can see how he struggles with issues of faith, religion and spirituality; why he's always looking for contradictions. Just look at how his upbringing had its own set of 'em.
There are some people close to me who have two young children. The mother is a Christian and the father isn't; he doesn't really affiliate with any faith. That has caused some real challenges when it comes to how they see church-going, holiday observances and even how the home should function when it comes to gender roles, spirituality and a host of other things. When it was just the couple, while they were both a little irritated by a few differences in perspectives, it wasn't that big of a deal. Now that they are raising little humans, though, they are in counseling more than they've ever been.
Moral to the story. If you are already in an interfaith relationship and you are contemplating marriage, have some serious conversations about if you both desire to have children and, if so, how they should be raised. Don't be out here in la-la-land thinking that you'll just cross that bridge when you get to it. If you wait until then, you might end up with a child who is super confused (and perhaps also mad disinterested) when it comes to the issue of faith. Not because of faith itself but because of all of the contradictions they witnessed while growing up…in your household.
Do You Get That You Can Be “Unequally Yoked” Beyond One’s Faith?
The kind of Christians I know who think that an article like this is totally ridiculous, they tend to feel that way due to a Scripture in the Bible that says, "Do not be unequally yoked together with unbelievers. For what fellowship has righteousness with lawlessness? And what communion has light with darkness?" (2 Corinthians 6:14—NKJV) It's in the Scriptures, no question.
To that, I just want to present something for you to consider. Is an "unbeliever" only someone who doesn't share your religious perspective? Could it quite possibly also speak to someone who doesn't complement your life, in general? Could it be someone who actually doesn't believe…in you?
Sharing the same religious or spiritual beliefs with someone is important; there is no debating that. But Christians actually divorce more than any other faith in the world. And that kind of actually proves the point that I'm trying to make here. Don't be out here thinking that if you share the same faith with someone that you are automatically in sync with them. In order to walk together in a true partnership, make sure you are on the same page about if you believe in one another too.
Can You Truly Agree to Disagree?
Ask any married couple who has any real time under their belt and they're going to tell you that if you want to have peace in your household, there are going to be some things that you will simply need to "agree to disagree" on. And boy, no greater words could be spoken than when it applies to an interfaith relationship. Take the holidays, for example. I once interviewed a wife on the topic of interfaith unions. Because she was Jewish and her husband was Christian, Christmas used to be a nightmare in her house because she thought that celebrating the birth of what her faith sees as a prophet vs. what her husband sees as the Savior of mankind couldn't be more blasphemous. She said that she finally got OK with some of the things that her husband wanted to do, simply because of the peace and joy that his attitude brought into their home that time of the year. "Christmas irks me, but it's only for a day. I can deal with all of the hoopla for 24 hours."
If you want to make your own interfaith marriage work and last, this is the kind of attitude that you need to be prepared to have about a lot of things. Again, even if you are both in the same faith but are a part of different denominations. I am a Sabbath observer. Tons of the people I've dated go to church on Sunday. We both are Bible believers, but that one thing alone can still cause conflict. See what I mean?
As I bring this to a close, this final point is a great reminder that, in the midst of your pondering, keep in mind that if you are controlling, intolerant or impatient, an interfaith relationship is absolutely not for you. Because in order to make that type of relationship work and last, you need to be the opposite of each of those traits. You need to have faith that two different faiths have enough mutual love and respect to work through the differences. If you don't honestly believe that, it's a big world out here. Opt for someone who shares your faith—so that hopefully joy, peace and harmony will be at you and yours' foundation. After all, that should be the ultimate goal. Whether two people share the same faith—or not.
Want more stories like this? Sign up for our newsletter here and check out the related reads below:
If Your Man Is Missing These Things, Wait Before Marrying Him
The 'Pre-Commitment Interview' Every Dating Couple Should Have
How To Ground Yourself Spiritually
These 8 Scriptures Are Spiritual Game-Changers For Single Women
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RELATED
Let me start this off by saying that of course, to a certain extent, the answer is subjective because it’s mostly opinion-rather-than-fact driven. However, I personally think that sex is hella impactful, which is why I hope that my personal breakdown will at least cause you to want to think about what you do, who you do it with, and why, more than you may have in the past.
Because although, at the end of the day, the physical aspects of making love, having sex, and f-cking are very similar, you’d be amazed by how drastically different they are in other ways…at the very same time.
Making Love
GiphyBack when I wrote my first book, I wasn’t even 30 at the time and still, one of the things that I said in it is, I pretty much can’t stand the term “make love.” Way back then, I stated that sex between two people who truly love each other and are committed for the long haul, when it comes to what they do in the bedroom, it’s so much more about CELEBRATING love than MAKING it. To make means “to produce” or “to bring into existence;” to celebrate means “to commemorate,” “to perform” or “to have or participate in a party, drinking spree, or uninhibited good time.”
The act of sex, standing alone? It can’t make love happen and honestly, believing otherwise is how a lot of people find themselves getting…got.
What do I mean? Tell me how in the world, you meet a guy, talk to him for a few weeks, don’t even know his middle name or where he was born and yet somehow, you choose to call the first time you have sex with him (under those conditions) “making love.” You don’t love him. You don’t know him well enough to love him. He doesn’t love you either (for the same reason). And yet you’re making love? How sway? Oh, but let that sex be bomb and those oxytocin highs might have you tempted to think that’s what’s happening — and that is emotionally dangerous. And yes, I mean, literally.
If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times before, that one of the reasons why I like that the Bible defines sex between a husband and his wife is by using the word “know” (Genesis 4:1) is because, well, I think that is what celebrating love is all about — we know each other well enough to know that we love each other, we know each other well enough to know that we aren’t going anywhere, and that knowing is what makes us want to celebrate that union by getting as close to one another and bringing as much physical pleasure to each other as we possibly can…as often as absolutely possible.
To me, that is what the peak of physical intimacy is all about — and the people who choose to use the term “make love,” it should be seen through this type of lens. When this type of mental and emotional bond comes together via each other’s bodies, they are amplifying love, enjoying love, embracing love.
Making it, though? Chile, the love has already been made. Sex is just the icing on the cake.
Having Sex
GiphyA few nights ago, I found myself rewatching this movie called Four of Hearts (which you can currently view on yep, you guessed it: Tubi). It’s about two married couples — one that is in an open marriage and another that isn’t although they somehow thought that sharing a night with the other couple would be a good idea (chile). Anyway, as one of the partners found themselves getting low-key sprung, the one they fell for said in one of the scenes, “It wasn’t a connection. It was just sex.” JUST. SEX.
Listen, when you decide to let a man put an entire part of his body inside of you at the risk of potentially getting an STI/STD or pregnant (because no form of birth control is 100 percent except for abstinence), it can never be “just sex” (somebody really needed to hear that too). At the same time, though, I got the character’s point because, if one or both people do not love each other or even deeply care for one another and/or sex is treated as an activity more than an act to establish a worthwhile connection and/or you and the person you are sleeping with have not really discussed what you are expecting from sex besides the act itself — you’re definitely not making/celebrating love.
Not by a long shot. What can make things get a bit complicated, though, is you’re doing the same act that “love makers” do without the same mental and emotional ties…or (sometimes) expectations.
You know, back when I decided to put all of my business out there via the piece “14 Lessons I've Learned From 14 Sex Partners,” now more than ever, I am quite clear that most of those guys fell into the “having sex” category. I wasn’t in the type of relationship with them where “making love” even made sense; however, because I was friends with most of them, we weren’t exactly f-cking (which I will get to in just a moment) either. We had a connection of some sort for the bedroom yet not enough to be together in the other rooms of the house.
We were really attracted and curious, so we decided to act on that. Oftentimes, the sex was good and so we rationalized that “having sex” was enough because if the friendship was, eh, “sound enough”, that we could justify the physical pleasure.
And y’all, that’s kind of what having sex is — it’s the limbo (or purgatory, depending on your situation) between making love and f-cking. The thing about limbo ish is it’s a lot like something being lukewarm: it’s not really one thing or another which means that it can completely blindside you, if you’re not careful (and totally honest with yourself as well as your partner(s)).
So, if you are contemplating having sex, I really — REALLY — recommend that you figure out how you feel, what you want (outside of the act itself) and if you are prepared for what “not quites” can bring. My mother used to say that the consequences of sex don’t change just because the circumstances do — and there is some solid “wow” to that, if you really stop to think about it.
GiphyAnd finally, f-ck. Although most experts on the word (and yes, there are some) agree that its origin is rooted somewhere within the German language (although some say that it might’ve come from Middle English words like fyke or fike which mean “to move about restlessly” or the Norwegian word fukka which means “to copulate”), you might have also heard that it is an acronym that once stood for “Fornication Under Consent of the King”; and there is actually some data that is connected to that as well.
Legend has it that way back in the day, in order to keep reproduction rates where a particular king wanted them to be, he would instruct his residents to have sex with each other — whether they were married or not (hence, the word “fornication” being in the acronym). However, because sex outside of marriage was taken far more seriously at the time, residents had to apply for a permit to participate so that the king could determine if things like their occupation and lineage would prove to be beneficial for the kingdom overall. F-ck: no love; just necessity. And although some believe this to be more myth than fact, what is certain is it was only over time that f-ck was seen as a profane/swear/cuss word — a word that was perceived to be so offensive, in fact, that between the years 1795-1965, it didn’t even appear in dictionaries.
Personally, when I think of this four-letter word, the first thing that actually comes to my mind is animals. Take a dog being in heat, for instance. That’s basically when a female dog is ovulating and wants to have sex the most. It’s not because they are “in love” with another dog; they are simply doing what instinctively comes to them — and since animals do not reason or feel at the same capacity that humans do, although they science says that many of them do experience pleasure when they engage in their version of sexual activity, it’s not nearly as layered or even profound as what we experience.
Let’s keep going. Another reason why f-cking makes me think of animals is due to the doggy style position. Hear me out. Ain’t it wild how, most of us pretty much know that the term comes from how dogs have sex, even though most animals have sex that same way — and think about it: Doggy style doesn’t consist of making eye contact or kissing while having intercourse. It’s “hitting from behind” without much emotional energy or effort at all. Just how animals do it. And so, yeah, f-cking does seem to be more about pure animal — or in our case, mammal — instinct. I don’t need to feel anything for someone, so long as the sexual desire is there. Hmph.
Something else that I find to be interesting about f-cking is how dictionaries choose to define it. Many of them are going to provide you with two definitions: “to have sexual intercourse with” and “to treat unfairly or harshly (usually followed by over)” and that definitely makes me think of another term — casual sex and words that define casual like apathetic, careless and without serious or definite intention. So, the dictionary says that while f-cking is about having sexual intercourse — just like making love and having sex is — it goes a step further and says that it can include being treated unfairly or harshly.
And although that can make you think of assault on the surface, for sure — sometimes being treated unfairly or harshly is simply feeling like someone had sex AT you and not really WITH you; instinct (i.e., getting off) and that’s about it. Yeah, the way this puzzle is coming together, f-cking seems to be more about lust and self and not much else.
Now That You Know the Difference, What to Keep in Mind
Y’all, this is definitely the kind of topic that I could expound on until each and every cow comes home. That said, here’s hoping that I provided enough perspective on each act to close this out by encouraging you to keep the following three things to keep in mind:
1. Before you engage in copulation, be honest with yourself about what you’re ACTUALLY doing — and that your partner agrees with you. You know, they say that our brain is our biggest sex organ and honestly, breaking down the differences between making love, having sex and f-cking helps to prove that fact. I say that because, although the sex act itself is pretty much the same across the board, you and your partner’s mindset can make the experience completely different. That said, if you think that you are making love and they think y’all are just having sex — stuff can get pretty dicey. Bottom line: communicate in the bedroom before attempting to connect outside of it. It’s always worth it when you do.
2. Yes, you can feel one way and do something else. I can just about guess what some of y’all are on: Shellie, we can love our partner and still just want to f-ck. If what you are saying is you can emotionally love someone and physically lust them and want to act sometimes on the lust without really factoring in the love — yes, I agree. Doggy style continues to be a favorite sex position for people, in general, and I’m more than confident that many of the participants polled are in a serious relationship. However, having lust-filled sex with someone who you know loves you is vastly different than doing it with someone who you have no clue what they think about you or you barely know at all. Y’all, please just make sure that you know…what you should know. Sex is too amazing to have a lot of regret after it.
3. Have realistic expectations about sex. Listen, so much of my life consists of writing and talking about sex that I will be the first one to say that it deserves a ton of props for what it is able to do, in a wonderful way, for people mentally, emotionally and physically. Yet again, I’m not a fan of “make love” because something that feels really good doesn’t always mean that it is good for you. Meaning, you’ve got to be real about what sex with someone will do to your mind and spirit — not just what it will do for your body. An author by the name of Gabriel García Márquez once said, “Sex is the consolation you have when you can't have love.” For no one, should this be a constant norm. Feel me? I hope you do.
____
One act. Three very different experiences.
It’s kind of wild that sex has the ability to create that — and yet, clearly, it does.
Please just make sure that you know which experience you’re signing up for.
So that you’re having sex (you know, in general) instead of sex having you. Real talk.
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