

“When you heal, you go from wanting to be chosen to doing the choosing.” This quote came to mind one day while journaling. It had been almost two years of doing the work to heal my inner child wounds. For almost a decade, I spent most of my teenage and young adult years unconsciously looking for someone to rescue me. Someone who would show up for me “full-time” the same way I wanted my caregivers to show up for me full-time.
Yes, I love my parents, and yes, my parents did the best they could with what they had but they weren’t always able to attune to my needs in the way that I needed them to consistently. It was not until I found myself in a cycle of trauma bonds and a pattern of unhealthy relationships that I realized that I was seeking to be chosen.
After experiencing one of the worst heartbreaks of my life, I realized that it couldn’t just be everyone else. There had to be something in me that was making me a match for these experiences. After working with a therapist and doing some inner child work, I realized that I had spent so much time in these unhealthy relationships because I was looking for someone to choose me.
By them choosing me, I was hoping their validation would finally make me feel good about myself. But I realized time and time again after every failed relationship, the reason why I wasn’t being “chosen” had nothing to do with me not being “good enough." It was because I wasn’t choosing myself.
I kept getting into relationships constantly abandoning myself, giving other men the loyalty that I needed to give myself. I would disown my boundaries and shapeshift into whoever they needed me to be to receive love from them.
If they wanted a girl who didn’t “nag” or “complain,” I made sure that I kept my feelings to myself. If they wanted a girl who would turn into their mother, I would make sure that I spent the majority of the relationship fixing and rescuing them from their problems so I didn’t have to deal with my own.
I realized that I had to come face to face with my inner child wounds and grieve what I never received from my parents. It wasn’t until I was able to allow myself to feel that discomfort that I put myself in a position of power to finally give myself the things my wounded inner child was looking for in other people.
Evolving beyond the point of wanting to be chosen to doing the choosing does not happen overnight, but with inner work healing is possible. And how do you know you've entered your healing era? Here are 7 signs that you are shifting from that mindset and a pathway to healing:
1.You have identified your needs and built your confidence in getting those needs met:
When I’m working with my clients 1:1, I constantly remind them that the key to your healing is not only identifying your needs but building your confidence in getting those needs met by giving them to yourself. If you are not aware of your needs, you will become a slave to someone else's standards. And you see where that may lead you, right? When you work on giving your needs to yourself, you're building your confidence in them by being a living example of the standards you would like to see in others.
If you want someone who is honest, when was the last time you were honest with yourself? If you want someone who is consistent, when was the last time you followed through on a promise you made to yourself? Once you start to identify your needs and build your confidence in them, you will start to see that it is possible and you’ll know that it’s possible because you’re a living testimony of it. When you pour into yourself in this way, you will be able to confidently recognize these characteristics in someone else without having to guess. It increases your level of discernment when you’re choosing a partner.
2.You honor your boundaries by standing firm in them:
Boundaries define who we are. They are where we end and another person begins. Boundaries are not barriers to connecting but are simply healthy limits to ensure that we can maintain a healthy sense of self in a relationship with another person. So many people get into relationships trying to melt into another person, disowning their boundaries and standards just to say they have a connection with someone. Nevertheless, a healthy connection has a healthy separation between two people.
Rather than enmeshing with each other, two people in a healthy relationship honor and respect each other's differences in order to preserve the relationship, not push each other away. When you are in a relationship and you do not honor your boundaries, you are not allowing people to see you clearly and experience true intimacy with you. This is why so many of us may find ourselves in unhealthy relationships because the longer you disown your boundaries, the more you hinder the right people from showing up in your life.
3.Your mindset is shifting during the dating process:
When you meet someone new, you are no longer trying to figure out if this person likes you. You’re no longer altering your appearance to please them or ruminating on if this person sees a future with you. When you make this mindset shift, you take your power back. You shift your focus from altering yourself to be “liked” to actually giving yourself and other people the opportunity to see you for who you truly are.
You are also giving yourself an opportunity to see the other person clearly for who they are. You’re paying attention to what qualities they have that may be compatible with you. You’re spending less time ruminating and altering yourself and more time assessing if you like them, rather than focusing on if they like you or trying to change them.
4.You’re more confident in who you are:
When you’re healing, you are embracing who you are authentically. Instead of wearing a mask and performing for love, you’ve taken the time to truly get to know yourself and be unapologetic about it.
5.You are actively healing your inner child wounds:
When you’re healing, you take the time to heal any inner child wounds that may be sabotaging your relationships. Not having boundaries, not accepting people for who they are, and disowning your values become a thing of the past. Although our inner child may have used these coping strategies to ensure our survival in childhood, it’s realizing that your survival is no longer dependent on your parents and it is your responsibility to find healthier ways of connecting. You start to challenge what you’ve always considered “normal” and start to assess if the unhealthy patterns and behaviors you fall into empowering you to get the type of relationship you want.
6.You’re more in tune with your values:
Our values define what is important to us at each stage of our lives. Think about when you were younger, you may have valued things such as playing with friends, creating a hobby for yourself, and going to school. As you get older, your values change as you change. Now as an adult, you may value working long hours in your career or you may value spending more time with family. When we are in tune with our own values, we give ourselves an opportunity to find people who share similar values as us, rather than trying to change or alter people into valuing the things that we value.
Ten times out of ten, our values cannot be compromised. Our values guide our decisions and lead us in the direction of the type of life we want to live. When we are in tune with what is important to us, we can confidently let go of people who may not value the things we value.
7.You offer yourself more grace and compassion:
Healing is hard work. You are discovering all of these parts of yourself that you were completely unaware of. As you are healing, you learn to give yourself more grace and compassion. You understand that you are not always going to get it right and instead of chastising or punishing yourself; you are able to compassionately hold yourself accountable and work towards making a different choice in the future.
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Featured image by Artem Varnitsin/EyeEm/Getty Images
Originally published on October 21, 2022
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Eva Marcille On Starring In 'Jason’s Lyric Live' & Being An Audacious Black Woman
Eva Marcille has taken her talents to the stage. The model-turned-actress is starring in her first play, Jason’s Lyric Live alongside Allen Payne, K. Michelle, Treach, and others.
The play, produced by Je’Caryous Johnson, is an adaptation of the film, which starred Allen Payne as Jason and Jada Pinkett Smith as Lyric. Allen reprised his role as Jason for the play and Eva plays Lyric.
While speaking to xoNecole, Eva shares that she’s a lot like the beloved 1994 character in many ways. “Lyric is so me. She's the odd flower. A flower nonetheless, but definitely not a peony,” she tells us.
“She's not the average flower you see presented, and so she reminds me of myself. I'm a sunflower, beautiful, but different. And what I loved about her character then, and even more so now, is that she was very sure of herself.
"Sure of what she wanted in life and okay to sacrifice her moments right now, to get what she knew she deserved later. And that is me. I'm not an instant gratification kind of a person. I am a long game. I'm not a sprinter, I'm a marathon.
America first fell in love with Eva when she graced our screens on cycle 3 of America’s Next Top Model in 2004, which she emerged as the winner. Since then, she's ventured into different avenues, from acting on various TV series like House of Payne to starring on Real Housewives of Atlanta.
Je-Caryous Johnson Entertainment
Eva praises her castmates and the play’s producer, Je’Caryous for her positive experience. “You know what? Je’Caryous fuels my audacity car daily, ‘cause I consider myself an extremely audacious woman, and I believe in what I know, even if no one else knows it, because God gave it to me. So I know what I know. That is who Je’Caryous is.”
But the mom of three isn’t the only one in the family who enjoys acting. Eva reveals her daughter Marley has also caught the acting bug.
“It is the most adorable thing you can ever see. She’s got a part in her school play. She's in her chorus, and she loves it,” she says. “I don't know if she loves it, because it's like, mommy does it, so maybe I should do it, but there is something about her.”
Overall, Eva hopes that her contribution to the role and the play as a whole serves as motivation for others to reach for the stars.
“I want them to walk out with hope. I want them to re-vision their dreams. Whatever they were. Whatever they are. To re-see them and then have that thing inside of them say, ‘You know what? I'm going to do that. Whatever dream you put on the back burner, go pick it up.
"Whatever dream you've accomplished, make a new dream, but continue to reach for the stars. Continue to reach for what is beyond what people say we can do, especially as [a] Black collective but especially as Black women. When it comes to us and who we are and what we accept and what we're worth, it's not about having seen it before. It's about knowing that I deserve it.”
This interview has been edited for length and clarity.
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The Ordinary’s $13 Essence Gave My Dry Skin A Real Glow-Up
There are plenty of straightforward skincare steps.
Serums can target problem areas, moisturizers lock in hydration, and sunscreen protects against sun damage. Knowing the intention behind these steps makes my skincare routine feel intentional. However, I struggle to understand the purpose behind using an essence. It’s the only step in my skincare routine that I skip because I don’t see the point.
Do Essences Actually Work? What I Wish More Beauty Brands Explained
The idea of using it seems relaxing at times. How beauty gurus gently place essence on their skin looks like a relaxing experience. Still, no one ever explains what it truly does. Even most essence products typically don’t define their purpose. They usually highlight a key ingredient to draw consumers, like me, to purchase the product. This has often tempted me, but I couldn't point out its purpose.
These are the moments I wish essence products were more transparent than the item itself.
Why I Chose The Ordinary's Multi-Active Delivery Essence
The Ordinary has always been on my radar to try. Their products are affordable, and if I’m being honest, someone on my For You page is always raving about them. When they came out with an essence, I knew it was perfect timing. I received the item to find its purpose, and the number one detail I’ve always looked for.
Labeled at the front of the bottle, Multi-Active Delivery Essence states that it is a hydrating essence that helps prime the skin for better skincare penetration. It’s a small detail that allowed me to understand its intention and put it to the test fully.
How To Use The Ordinary’s Hydrating Essence For Glowing Skin
I applied the essence before skincare, as recommended. According to their website, the hydrating essence is supposed to provide intense moisture. They compare it to their Niacinamide 10% Zinc 1% product. This sets the foundation for hydration to last longer on the skin and for skincare products to penetrate deeply, allowing the skin to have a brighter, luminous appearance.
My Skin After: A Natural Glow and Long-Lasting Hydration
Once I applied the essence to my skin, I began using my skincare. I figured mixing my serums with the product would be an excellent way for them to penetrate deeper, as promised in the descriptions. Once my serums had settled in, I followed up with a moisturizer to lock everything in and SPF to add some protection. I noticed my skin lay more smoothly. It was clear that incorporating the essence and letting things settle helped to create a natural glow.
Throughout the day, I monitored how my skin would react. As someone with dry skin, I sometimes have to reapply sunscreen or moisturizer to keep the hydration flowing. I didn’t feel the need to reapply since I had used the essence earlier that day. My skin maintained hydration, creating a luminous glow throughout the day.
This was a perfect situation for me, since long-lasting hydration can sometimes be a challenge for me.
Final Thoughts: Is This Essence Worth It for Dry Skin Types?
This product works perfectly for dry to standard skin types. However, I’m unsure if the experience will be as pleasurable for those with oily skin. The level of hydration that increases over time can become overwhelming for oily skin and might even lead to a breakout or two.
If you want to try it, I say go for it! The gift of beauty is that there is no limit to what you can play with.
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