Remember That Fake Is…Well, FAKE

How passionate am I about people NOT faking orgasms? Well, this is how many times that I remember addressing the issue, head on, via the platform: There’s “Why You Should Stop Faking Orgasms ASAP.” There’s “1 In 4 Men And Women Are Faking It—Science Explains How To Change That.” There’s also “So, 10 Women Sat Down And Told Me Why They Fake Orgasms...More Times Than Not.” And in all of them, I’ve stated on some level that the meaning of “fake” alone makes faking orgasms super problematic — at least in my eyes.

Just look at what “fake” means:

Fake: prepare or make (something specious, deceptive, or fraudulent); to conceal the defects of or make appear more attractive, interesting, valuable, etc., usually in order to deceive; anything made to appear otherwise than it actually is; counterfeit

Synonyms: bogus, fabricated, mock, fraudulent, phony

Now how in the world, can it be beneficial, to be this way, in ANY form, when it comes to your relationships with other people (check out “6 Signs You're 'Faking It' (When It Comes To Your Relationships)”)? And yet, for some reason, when it comes to climaxing, far too many individuals act like resorting to some level of fakeness should be deemed as okay. So much to the point that, as author Chris Ruden once said, “Being fake is so common now that being real is seen as offensive.” SMDH.

But what if you are someone who fakes on a fairly regular basis and your rationale is that faking orgasms helps you to feel less sexual self-conscious or it keeps you from hurting your partner’s feelings (if you don’t want him to know that you aren’t climaxing)? That’s a fair question.

To both of those points, I’ve got some things for you to consider.

The Orgasm Gap. Yes, It’s a Very Relevant Thing.

The orgasm gap. That topic comes up enough that I’m pretty sure you’ve heard of it before — even if you’re not 1000 percent sure what it’s all about. Long story short, the orgasm gap is about why men seem to orgasm far more often — and way more consistently — than women do (at least, reportedly).

For instance, one fairly prominent study that I read stated that men are somewhere around five times more likely to cum than women and, although 34 percent of women said that they sometimes orgasm during intercourse, they were 10 times more likely than guys to say that they reached the peak of climaxing — and then…they didn’t “see the mountaintop.”

Now, it really does need to go on record (far more often than it tends to be) that usually the orgasm gap is referring to vaginal orgasms (check out “Ladies, Please Stop Pressuring Yourself Over Vaginal Orgasms”) and not sexual climaxing overall (say clitoral orgasms or orgasms that come via oral sex).

And with that being said, y’all, real talk, one of the reasons why vaginal orgasms are easier for some women than others have more to do with anatomy than anything else. What I mean by that is, as I’ve stated in other content before, the closer that a woman’s clitoris is to her vaginal opening, the easier it is for her to experience a vaginal orgasm. Simple as that.

However, another reason why this is a struggle for some? It’s because they are faking orgasms — because, really, how do you expect to get what you need in bed if you’re pretending like…you already are? Make it make sense, somebody.

How Can You Get What You Want/Deserve If You’re Not Telling the Truth?

If you don’t get anything else from this article, get this: women deserve to have orgasms. And listen, I’m not someone who uses the word “deserve” loosely (check out “Before You Talk About What You 'Deserve'...Do You Know What That Even Means”). You see, I know that deserve means “to be qualified for” — and if you’re someone who is sexually active and especially if you’re someone who is sexually generous while you’re being sexually active…you are qualified to receive the kind of attention and attentiveness that you are giving.

So, why would you deprive yourself of that by not telling your partner the truth about what is required to get/give you as many orgasms as possible? And yet, depriving yourself is EXACTLY what you are doing when you choose to fake an orgasm because remember this always — to be fake is to be deceptive…to be fake is to be conceal the real of who you are at the expense of appearing to be something/someone who you are not…to be fake is to be out here fabricating facts and reality while mocking what true intimacy is to provide: pleasure and holistic satisfaction.

Yes, to fake an orgasm is to tell a lie and as a wise man (Alexander Pope, to be exact) once said about lying, “He who tells a lie is not sensible of how great a task he undertakes; for he must be forced to invent 20 more to maintain that one” — and y’all, I have dealt with many married couples who can absolutely attest to this.

Because you know another downside of faking orgasms? It breaches — or at the very least absolutely compromises — trust because if you put on a show and lie during something as intimate as sex…your partner may naturally wonder what else you are doing an excellent job of lying at. (Hmm…)

Now Guess Which Women Fake Orgasms the Most

Okay, so all of the intel that I just provided you? It simply laid the foundation for what the title of this piece is all about. And yes, although women of all walks of life tend to fake orgasms, guess which ones tend to do it the most: women who are in short(er) term relationships.

What does this even mean? Well, remember how I mentioned earlier that some people fake orgasms because they don’t want to hurt their partner’s feelings? Well, if you know that there is a short shelf life on the situation (or the two of you pretty much only have a casual sex situation going on), you may be more prone to “fake it” because things aren’t going to last very long anyway.

However, another thing that ties into this is getting to a point where you are comfortable enough with someone to share what your true sexual needs and expectations are…and that takes time — and so that’s a big part of the reason why people in long-term relationships typically fake orgasms less than those in short-term ones. And yes, this proves my thoughts on what a lot of faking it is all about — a lack of a thorough connection with one’s partner.

Because just think about it — if you’re willing to hinder your own self from experiencing supreme pleasure, simply because you don’t want to fully open up with someone who should be sharing in that with you, there is either some real unfamiliarity going on or some serious walls that are up and why should ANYONE SETTLE for that type of experience with another person? Yes, to me, the closer to connection, the better the sex — and honesty needs to be present for that type of intimacy to transpire.

So yes, y’all — if you want to have some of the best sex ever (and as often as possible), you can’t be out here pressuring yourself to “put on a show.” You’ve got to be willing to put your guard down and allow your partner to get to really and truly know you. ALL OF YOU. Physically especially.

Yeah, that data was spot-on. The less intimate the dynamic, the more fakeness that abounds.

7 Hacks to Help You Fake It Less Often

So, what if you are willing to receive all of what I just said yet you’re not sure how to break out of the faking it habit/pattern? First, keep in mind that Rome and orgasms have something in common in the sense that it may take some time to get what you want, desire and deserve.

I do think that the following tips can help you out, though:

1. Focus on more than just one kind of orgasm. As someone who has had more than my fair share of vaginal orgasms in my life, yes — they are the peak of all things wonderful and amazing. SO ARE OTHER KINDS OF ORGASMS, THOUGH and yes, I am yelling it. That said, should you have everything that your heart desires out of your sexual experiences? YEP. However, should you train your mind to think that can only come from vaginal orgasms? ABSOLUTELY NOT.

2. Bring more lube into the picture. When it comes to sex, the saying “the wetter, the better” is always going to be relevant. That’s because lubrication — whether it’s natural or from a tube — is going to arouse you more, reduce friction and make things feel more erotic too. It really is time out to stop thinking that only people who struggle with vaginal wetness should use lube. Honestly, anyone who wants to experience peak pleasure should have a tube — or two (or 10).

3. Extend your foreplay sessions. Foreplay is always going to be a big deal — not just because it is a surefire way to physically arouse, especially a woman, but…the more two people choose to take their time with each other prior to intercourse, the more comfortable, desired and trusting they end up feeling with one another. It is for this reason alone that many people tend to prefer foreplay to last longer than even intercourse does — and that orgasms happen more often when longer foreplay sessions are in the mix.

4. Know what your spots actually are. I’ve been holding at an H-cup for a minute now. Yet, believe it or not, my breasts are not one of my peak erogenous zones (which is a part of the reason why I was inspired to pen “So, What If 'Typical Erogenous Zones' Annoy TF Outta You?”) a while back. Personally, I think this is another reason why women fake orgasms — either they act like certain spots are “their spot” when they really aren’t or…they haven’t spent enough time with their body to know what their spots actually are. Hmph. It’s hard to explain to someone else what gets you going when you don’t even fully know. Do you?

5. Get into spoon position. Ah, the spoon position. It’s intimate. It’s comforting. And it’s a super easy way for your partner to stimulate your clitoris while he’s penetrating you. Ain’t too much more to say about this one. If you want to get closer to vaginal (or multiple) orgasms, get into the spoon position more often. See if that tickles your fancy.

6. Experiment with some OMG! Cream (or something like it). There are more and more online sites popping up to get you some of the prescribed medication that you want or need (check out “Before You Get Online Birth Control, Read This.”). One that I am personally fond of is Wisp. Anyway, one of the things that they offer is OMG! Cream which is a topical vaginal cream that has the same active ingredient in it as Viagra. The gist is that it super stimulates your clitoris which could help you in the orgasming department. You can learn more about it here.

7. Spend more time together. Your biggest sex organ is your brain; that is never going to change and your amygdala is the part of your brain that processes emotion. That said, one study that I semi-recently read stated exactly this: “Emotional intelligence seems to have a direct impact on women’s sexual functioning by influencing her ability to communicate her sexual expectations and desires to her partner."

So yes, spend more time with your partner — both inside of the bedroom as well as out — so that you can share your feelings — both inside of the bedroom as well as out. Doing that can ​get your oxytocin (the “love” hormone that’s naturally in your body) levels going which can make you feel closer to your partner which​ can increase your chances of having (more) orgasms.

Science and intimacy know what they are doing, chile.

Stop faking it (so much). And just trust them (and your partner…and especially yourself).

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