We all see it on social: "Romanticize your life" and having "main character energy." The trend is trending, for sure, and it doesn't seem to look like it'll lose momentum any time soon. And I'm not mad at it. As Black women, we deserve to romanticize any and everything about ourselves and our lives that we want to. You can embrace ways to romanticize your work life that allow you the freedom to enjoy, even when it's part of the job you absolutely hate.
Romanticizing even the most simple parts of our lives is nothing new to Black women. Our favorites, like Maya Angelou, Tracee Ellis Ross, Eartha Kitt, and Beyoncé have all either embodied, talked about, or written about creating big moments out of the minor, and they're always the main character. We know all too well how to normalize being "extra," and we unapologetically do it without even blinking an eye. (The other day, my sister came to the house to braid my hair and I served custom mocktails in my newest eclectic cocktail glasses I found at HomeSense, because, romanticize a kitchen-tician moment, shall we?)
Here are three small but impactful and self-affirming ways to add a little more delight, allure, and joy into your work day:
1. Invest in decorating your space in a way that reflects your true personality and work style.
I find romance in my surroundings, whether it's choosing to go to a chic coffee shop to work or having lunch on an outdoor patio filled with my favorite lush greenery or bright colors. And when it comes to my office space, I have to have inspiration on my walls, in the background sounds, and even in the temperature. I've recently invested in buying vinyl albums with music that keeps my motivation going and the writing juices flowing. (Janelle Monáe'sThe Age of Pleasure is my latest, and it allows me to escape into an alluring playland of spunky confidence and joy.)
Even if it's a cubicle, add an aromatherapy element (within reason and consideration of your office mates). Treat your space to a weekly or monthly bouquet of flowers (or invest in some great faux ones). Include an easy-to-maintain snake plant or a glorious spider plant that you create a routine of watering and nurturing.
Get that new cordless mouse in a neutral or metallic color. Keep dainty notepads and journals around to write Thank-you cards or send birthday greetings to clients, coworkers, or industry friends. Add mood bulbs in your lamps or overhead lighting for creative brainstorming, or a meditative sound machine for in-office breaks.
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2. Make getting dressed for work a time for self-expression and self-care.
I feel much more ready to conquer my work day when taking meetings or even just doing the regular workday things when I'm wearing something not only comfy but chic. I'm not big on fussy fashion so that means, for me, sticking to a uniform of a well-fitting blazer, some casual slacks (or even sweatpants in a luxe or dressier fabric), and either a graphic tee or a tank. When it's cold (which is rare for me because of where I live), I'll throw on a scarf or swap the blazer for a cardigan, coat, or shacket in a bright hue or a print. For shoes, I either wear a pump, sneakers, or strappy sandals.
Put the sweatpants, pajama sets, or ill-fitting throw-ons away and start dressing. It doesn't have to be stressful, too dramatic, or expensive. If your job requires casual wear, take time to invest in quality pieces, a daily routine where your clothing is set the day or week before, and a deliberate step-by-step daily grooming habit that screams luxury in the way you do it (whatever that looks like for your lifestyle and obligations.)
I love creating different combos with the same work outfit formula, and when I can take these items out with ease and take my time putting them on, I don't have to rush through my skincare and haircare routines before starting work.
If you're not into dressing up, that's fine, but still, take the deliberate time to put that athleisure wear together in a way that affirms that you love yourself and you are super-aware that your look is the first impression people get before you even utter a word. Embrace your body type, so-called "flaws" and all, and wear things that make you feel refreshed, empowered, and confident.
Find ways to take the stress out of dressing, like getting a stylist, sticking to a capsule wardrobe, or allowing your favorite fashion influencer to do all the work for you. If you find that working from home has you a bit lazier and indifferent when it comes to grooming and getting dressed, start dressing to go to a co-working space, coffee shop, or park at least once per week.
3. Date yourself...as a job candidate who is somewhat taken but is open to other options.
I remember those fun days of the "roster," where I'd date multiple men and keep my options open simply because I just wasn't going to let anybody's son Reesa Teesa me into commitment. What was fun about this was the pressure was off, I could enjoy different personalities and experiences, and I could have fun in the process of finding the "one." (When I met my current man of seven years, I was dating three guys who I had to cut off once I fell in love. And to add context, just because you're dating someone, doesn't mean you're sleeping with them. Sad I have to note that, but just looking at the Black love and dating conversations being had in these Internet streets, I feel I must.)
The same way you'd have an adventure, keeping your options open while dating, is the same thing you can do being a 9-to-5 professional. It's an adventure that might boost your motivation and joy in working.
Just because you like your current job doesn't mean you shouldn't be shooting your shot at other places, especially if you're not 100 percent satisfied or are looking to advance. Within reason, this is a great way to explore what's fresh and new in the job market, what employers are looking for today, and what other wonderful career adventures are out there that you might be missing while you're comfortable at your current job. Be sure to know your company policies, use discretion, and only agree to interviews with companies that allow you to level up via travel opportunities, a higher salary, or more fulfillment.
If interviewing at other companies isn't your thing, try taking on a fun side hustle, where you can place your passions that don't fit your job per se, into something else. Enjoy the ride of building something from scratch, seeing it flourish, trying new skills, and meeting new people.
As with all things, we should find joy in our careers and the paths we're taking to fulfill our highest dreams.
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And today? Today, I’m going to share something that, if you are married, you can do to improve your sex life that is actually super easy and hella effective. It just requires moving into a different space. Yes, literally.
Read on, and I’ll explain more.
Get Out of the Bed, Y’all. It’s Time.
GiphyThere’s no telling how many times I’ve said over the years that I agree with interior designers when they say that the purpose of the bedroom is sex and sleep — no more, no less. And that alone makes it pretty obvious why the “default location” for copulation is a bed. It’s private. It’s comfortable. Plus, it’s such an ideal location for foreplay, intercourse, and afterplay (which typically consists of quite a bit of cuddling), too. And since beds/bedrooms are so ideal for sexual activity, it’s very easy to take the “If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it” approach and just stay in that space most, if not all, of the time.
The challenge with that is, if you’re not careful, boredom can creep into your bedroom — and since I think we all can agree that a satisfying sex life is an essential part of any healthy relationship, boredom isn’t something that you should just shrug off, especially since one study revealed that about a third of Americans are currently not very thrilled by what’s happening up in their bedrooms these days.
Not only that, but I once read an article that said sexual boredom is why there is an uptick in masturbation, lower sex drives, an increase in cheating, more relational conflict, and a ho-hum take on relationships overall.
Now, are there seasons when sex is going to seem less exciting than others? 1000 percent (check out “The 'Seasons Of Sex' That Married People Go Through”). And so, if you’re reading this and you happen to be someone who plans on getting married someday, that is something that you should absolutely keep in mind. However, to the married folks, those seasons can happen less (or you can get through them faster) if you’re more intentional about doing things that can keep your sex life fresh and stimulating.
And one of those things includes…GETTING OUT OF THE DAMN BED.
5 Benefits of Having Sex Outside the Bedroom
GiphyOkay, so what are some of the benefits that come with making this minor coitus-related tweak?
1. Getting out of the bed is spontaneous. While reading an article that featured a survey of 500 Americans and 500 Europeans on their favorite place to have sex, the top rank was in public. I’m pretty sure that’s because it’s risqué, it’s random and the spontaneity of it all can be stimulating as all get out. Look, even if you’re not down for having sex in a restaurant or club bathroom, technically your backyard is still considered to be “public.” Pitch a tent and try it there. If you wait until nightfall, the fresh air and stars alone might get your adrenaline going…in ways you never expected.
2. Getting out of the bed is fun. It’s hard to be bored when you’re having fun and when you’re exploring something different with your partner, that can open the door to discuss new things, to laugh about new experiences, and to enjoy the trial and error of experimentation. Plus, laughter has been proven to release endorphins (feel-good hormones), which can make having orgasms easier. Besides, it’s kind of hard to not laugh, at least a little bit, when you’re in the midst of having a really good time — sex should also be considered a really good time.
3. Getting out of the bed can introduce you to new approaches to intimacy. Say that your man suggests going down on you on the countertop in the kitchen one day, out of the blue. I don’t mean during the midnight hour, either. I mean, when the sun is still out, and the curtains are slightly drawn. If normally, you’re down for some oral, yet you prefer to engage in pitch blackness while lying back on your mattress, being on the counter could “hit angles” that you didn’t know existed while being in the light could boost your sexual confidence in ways that you didn’t quite predict.
4. Getting out of the bed can teach you something else/different about your partner (and yourself). One of my clients once told me that when her husband recommended having sex in a Starbucks bathroom (one of the cleaner bathrooms, I’ve heard), she said that it caught her so off guard that they ended up having a long conversation about sexual fantasies. As a result, they decided to come up with sex-themed bucket lists every six months that consist of new things that they want to try. She said that it’s been one of the wisest moves that they’ve ever made. You can learn more about how to make your own by checking out, “This Is How To Create The Best Kind Of ‘Sex Bucket List.’”
5. Getting out of the bed can make your bedroom feel “new” again. You know what they say — absence makes the heart grow fonder, and if you aren’t always having sex in that bedroom of yours, that can actually make you “miss” it sometimes, especially if you decide to do some redecorating (as far as bedding and candles, etc. go) a couple of times a year.
As you can see, doing something as simple as having sex somewhere other than your bedroom can create a whole new world, quite literally, as far as your sex life is concerned.
One of the Best Places to Have Sex
What if I’ve got you convinced to get out of your bed, and, yet, you’re not quite ready to do anything that’s considered to be “too crazy” just yet? No problem. All you’ve got to do is head towards the place where apparently most people use as a safe out-of-the-bedroom go-to: their living room couch.
In fact, couches are apparently so “sex popular” that a few years back, GQ published a piece entitled, “Couch Sex Is the Best Sex.” Why? Couches are comfortable. Couches are different from a bed.
Also, the sex position possibilities that come with the help of a couch are pretty endless. Not only that, but when I asked some of my clients how they felt about having sex on their own couches, several told me that the 69 (oral) sex position is on a whole ‘nother level, thanks to the armrests on their couch (you’re welcome — LOL). So, if you’re wanting to “ease out” of the bedroom, sex-wise, try your couch. For starters.
15 Other Places to Have Sex (If You Haven’t Already)
GiphyNow that I’ve hopefully at least got you to consider getting out of the bedroom (period or far more often), let me share a quick list of places to try — in case you need a bit more inspiration:
1. The laundry room — with the cycle running, it’s like a huge vibrator.
2. The dining room — afteran aphrodisiac-filled romantic dinner. You’ll probably already havesome sex condiments within your arms’ reach.
3. In the shower. Before you hate, read this first: “So, This Is How To Make Shower Sex So Much Better.”
4. Against a wall — any wall. Have you noticed that some of the hottest sex scenes in movies are filmed up against a wall? It’s great for oral sex as well as intercourse.
5. In one of your closets. It’s in a close proximity, and you can hold on to racks that hold your hangers. Plus, it’s pitch black in there if dark is your thing…even in the daytime.
6. On throw pillows on the floor. Over the holidays, I watched a video of Nick Cannon with his firstborn twins at his house. One of his rooms is a theater room that’s filled with nothing but throw pillows. Personally, I’m a big throw pillow fan because they are cozy, comfy, and a great option for sitting on the floor. “Floor sex” conveys “gotta have you now” and the more lust that’s in the air, chances are, the better the sex will be.
7. In a rocking chair. Someone was recently telling me how amazing sex is in a tantra chair. When I looked one up, it reminded me of a chaise lounge. Anyway, that did get me thinking about how chairs can make for deeper penetration and super close face-to-face intimacy. If you step it up and get in a rocking chair, you can control the speed of the intercourse in a cool way. Try it and report back.
8. In a sleeping bag on your deck. Cuddling with your hubby is already going to get your oxytocin levels up. It would be a shame to let them go to waste, so strip naked from the waist down and engage in spoon sex. No one has to know (which is a part of the thrill!).
9. In an office. His or yours. I mean, even if it’s a home office, it qualifies.
10. Via a trampoline. I mean, you might’ve bought one for the kids. However, after you read Elite Daily’s “4 Sex Moves To Try On A Trampoline & Take Getting Frisky To New Heights,” you might wanna get one for yourself. #wink
11. On a truck bed. Down a country road. It’s rustic, raw and romantic. If you don’t have a truck, borrow or rent one. It’ll be worth it.
12. On a road trip. Rent an SUV that has tinted windows. While heading to wherever you’re going, stop and have sex in random spots along the way. This is where quickies can come in hella handy.
13. On the hood of your car. I mean, it can always be in the garage…if you’d prefer.
14. Airport parking lots — in the cheap section. Hey, if public sex is your thing, you can try those same tinted windows that I just mentioned in the airport lot sections that are super far from the airport because they are cheap. If you go up in there after midnight, barely anyone is around. Just sayin’.
15. While on a sexcation. Pretty sure it’s time for one of those, anyway (check out “Married Couples, It's Time For A Sexcation!”).
____
It’s actually a husband who once told me that it’s hard to get bored with your partner, so long as you both really desire each other and mutually want to keep your sex life strong. Changing locations can help with this, so use this year as the year to give it a shot. You might be surprised by how a simple shift can make sex the very kind that you’ve been longing for (lately)!
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