
A Male Relationship Coach Shares 7 Questions Women Should Ask Men On The Third Date

Life really is a trip. Today, the reason why I say that is because, the backstory on this particular relationship coach is, he's actually a good friend of mine. We went to college together. He knew my late fiancé. And now, here we are—both coaches in matters of the heart. The funny thing about Jay and myself is that we have always really interesting discussions on coaching/counseling couples because we're both super-opinionated when it comes to what we think is the key to making relationships work and last. That said, if you've read even a few of my relationship articles on this platform, you know that I can't stress enough, just how important it is to hear a man's point of view if you're interested in, well, dating a man.
In walks Jay. As we were recently chatting it up about how couples should communicate in the early dating phases of their relationship, I asked him to share what he thought single marriage-minded women should be comfortable asking a man around the third date. Because, let's be honest, y'all—if you're interested in jumping a broom sooner than later, time is of the essence and no one is interested in spending precious time, effort and energy in a man who isn't in the same book, let alone on the same page. So, if you've got a guy who you're really feeling right now, you got the "first attraction date" and "second chemistry date" out of the way, it's now time to tackle what Jay says is the compatibility portion of the program. And this can—and in many ways should—transpire on date three.
"The purpose of these questions is to really see if you and he are a good fit," Jay explains. "If after you ask these seven questions, you and the guy you're seeing aren't on the same page, you really should take a step back. You need to assess if there is something actually there beyond emotions and hormones because, unfortunately, about 80 percent of couples don't have these conversations early on—and they end up paying for it later." As a marriage life coach, I can certainly vouch for that (check out "The 'Pre-Commitment Interview' Every Dating Couple Should Have").
So, are you ready to read about what your third date conversation should consist of, again, if marriage sooner than later is on your list of short-term goals? Here are seven of them, along with why Jay finds them to be absolutely essential.
1. "Where do you see yourself in five years?"
A man with laser focus is definitely going to be able to envision where he's headed in life. If he is also marriage-minded, while he's sharing his vision for the next several years, at some point, marriage and possibly children are definitely going to come up. You won't have to coax him into mentioning it. It's already on his radar.
2. "What short-term goals are you looking to achieve?"
The reason why this is so important is because it helps you to get a window into his current priorities. As he's discussing his plans and desires, listen to see if he brings up the kind of woman who he would like to share the rest of his life with. If he's interested in making that move within the next couple of years, he'll mention it. It won't just be in passing either.
3. "How do you feel about children?"
Unfortunately, a lot of couples don't discuss this enough on the front end. While it doesn't apply to all men, if the guy you're seeing says that he isn't interested in having kids and he doesn't already have some, it could send a potential red flag that he's not the most responsible person.
When we have children, they are more permanent than relationships in a lot of ways. A man who isn't interested in kids could be letting you know that he's not big on commitment.
4. "What's your relationship like with your parents?"
You need to know how he was raised. It's no secret that generations can repeat the same patterns. You need to know what you're getting yourself into. How has his father impacted his life? What is his relationship like with his mother, to this day? Now that he's an adult, does he have a healthy set of boundaries with his family? Does he see indications of lasting trauma from his childhood that have gone unaddressed? This might seem like a deep question for a third date but if he's comfortable with who he is, and you're willing to answer this question too, he should be pretty forthcoming about it all.
5. "How important is sex to you?"
On a scale of 1-10, ask him how much he values sex in a relationship. First, in a dating situation and then once he's married. While you're dating, it can let you know what his expectations are. And since sex is often seen as being recreational fun when you're single, it's a good idea to get a hold of how he sees marriage once he's a husband. Sex is a way to cultivate a special bond once you're husband and wife. What are his views on that?
6. "How do you prioritize your health?"
Health is important in every facet of your life—mind, body and spirit. You need to know how he views things like eating habits, working out and going to therapy if/when needed. You also need to know if he expects similar things out of the person he is dating on a serious level.
This might seem like a minor thing when you're dating but when you're sharing a life with someone else, it becomes pretty big.
7. "What does faith look like in your life?"
Even though I'm saving this for last, I easily could've mentioned it first. Because I'm a Christ-centered relationship coach, I believe that two people should be equally yoked. Faith is paramount because it's foundational when it comes to understanding someone's values. When values don't align and two people have totally different forms of reference, it's hard to walk together in life. Not to mention raise kids. Know what his faith/religion is. Know if he makes it a top priority. Know how he wants to implement it in his home someday when he's sharing it with other people. It's pretty important to be on the same page or at least have some common ground here.
BONUS: "How do you feel about blended families?"
I got married for the first time in my mid-40s and one of my two daughters [JH2] was living with me. My wife had no children. We had to learn how to create a blended family. The reality is the longer any of us wait to get married, the greater chance that we'll either be a parent and/or date someone who is. You need to know if he's open or not open to coming into a ready-made dynamic. You also need to see if he's being compliant about the thought of a blended family or just…tolerant. If he's embracing the idea, he'll be really direct about it in his words and his body language. He'll make direct eye contact. He won't dodge the topic. If he's merely tolerant, he might say something along the lines of, "Well, if that's a part of the package" or, "If that's what I've got to do then…"
Marriage is challenging enough. You don't want someone who isn't really willing to make a blended situation work if you've got kids.
Yeah, I know. While a part of you might wonder if these questions are "too heavy", as if you are low-key interrogating him, it really is all in the delivery, tone and if you are willing to answer the questions that you're asking. Besides, remember that this is for those of us who are dating with the desire of meeting the one we want to marry—again, sooner than later. The sooner you know if "he" has the same perspective as you, the easier it will be to either move forward with him or to cool things off so that you can keep yourself open for the one who you can go on three dates with, direct these questions towards and it ends up being all good.
I mean, it's not like a man—a married man—didn't just give the green light to take this approach. There's no time like the present to know where you stand, right? You've got Jay's cosign. Do it.
Jay Hurt is a licensed relationship coach with 10 years of experience. He's also a speaker and the author of two books: The 9 Tenets of a Successful Relationship and Before You Jump the Broom. A great way to connect with Jay is to participate in his bi-weekly open Zoom calls, Relationship Convos with a Black Man. For more information, hit him up on all socials (Facebook, Twitter, Instagram) at jayhurtcoaching or email him at jay@jayhurt.net.
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Adrian Marcel On Purpose, Sacrifice, And The 'Signs Of Life'
In this week's episode of xoMAN, host Kiara Walker talked with R&B artist Adrian Marcel, who opened up, full of heart and authenticity, about his personal evolution. He discussed his days transitioning from a young Bay Area singer on the come-up to becoming a grounded husband and father of four.
With honesty and introspection, Marcel reflected on how life, love, and loss have shaped the man he is today.
On ‘Life’s Subtle Signals’
Much of the conversation centered around purpose, sacrifice, and listening to life’s subtle signals. “I think that you really have to pay attention to the signs of life,” Marcel said. “Because as much as we need to make money, we are not necessarily on this Earth for that sole purpose, you know what I mean?” While he acknowledged his ambitions, adding, “that is not me saying at all I’m not trying to ball out,” he emphasized that fulfillment goes deeper.
“We are here to be happy. We are here [to] fulfill a purpose that we are put on here for.”
On Passion vs. Survival
Adrian spoke candidly about the tension between passion and survival, describing how hardship can sometimes point us away from misaligned paths. “If you find it’s constantly hurting you… that’s telling you something. That’s telling you that you’re going outside of your purpose.”
Marcel’s path hasn’t been without detours. A promising athlete in his youth, he recalled, “Early on in my career, I was still doing sports… I was good… I had a scholarship.” An injury changed everything. “My femur broke. Hence why I always say, you know, I’m gonna keep you hip like a femur.” After the injury, he pivoted to explore other careers, including teaching and corporate jobs.
“It just did not get me—even with any success that happened in anything—those times, back then, I was so unhappy. And you know, to a different degree. Like not just like, ‘I really want to be a singer so that’s why I’m unhappy.’ Nah, it was like, it was not fulfilling me in any form or fashion.”
On Connection Between Pursuing Music & Fatherhood
He recalled performing old-school songs at age 12 to impress girls, then his father challenged him: “You can lie to these girls all you want, but you're really just lying to yourself. You ain't growing.” That push led him to the piano—and eventually, to his truth. “Music is my love,” Marcel affirmed. “I wouldn’t be a happy husband if I was here trying to do anything else just to appease her [his wife].”
Want more real talk from xoMAN? Catch the full audio episodes every Tuesday on Spotify and Apple Podcasts, and don’t miss the full video drops every Wednesday on YouTube. Hit follow, subscribe, and stay tapped in.
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Sometimes I get asked the same question, often enough, that I’m like, “It’s time to address this on a larger platform,” — and for, whatever the reason, as of late, folks have been asking me what different sex acts mean.
No, not from the perspective of positions or techniques. What they’ve basically wanted to know is if making love, having sex, and f-cking are simply different words to describe the same thing or if there truly is something deeper with each one.
Let me start this off by saying that of course, to a certain extent, the answer is subjective because it’s mostly opinion-rather-than-fact driven. However, I personally think that sex is hella impactful, which is why I hope that my personal breakdown will at least cause you to want to think about what you do, who you do it with, and why, more than you may have in the past.
Because although, at the end of the day, the physical aspects of making love, having sex, and f-cking are very similar, you’d be amazed by how drastically different they are in other ways…at the very same time.
Making Love
Back when I wrote my first book, I wasn’t even 30 at the time and still, one of the things that I said in it is, I pretty much can’t stand the term “make love.” Way back then, I stated that sex between two people who truly love each other and are committed for the long haul, when it comes to what they do in the bedroom, it’s so much more about CELEBRATING love than MAKING it. To make means “to produce” or “to bring into existence;” to celebrate means “to commemorate,” “to perform” or “to have or participate in a party, drinking spree, or uninhibited good time.”
The act of sex, standing alone? It can’t make love happen and honestly, believing otherwise is how a lot of people find themselves getting…got.
What do I mean? Tell me how in the world, you meet a guy, talk to him for a few weeks, don’t even know his middle name or where he was born and yet somehow, you choose to call the first time you have sex with him (under those conditions) “making love.” You don’t love him. You don’t know him well enough to love him. He doesn’t love you either (for the same reason). And yet you’re making love? How sway? Oh, but let that sex be bomb and those oxytocin highs might have you tempted to think that’s what’s happening — and that is emotionally dangerous. And yes, I mean, literally.
If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times before, that one of the reasons why I like that the Bible defines sex between a husband and his wife is by using the word “know” (Genesis 4:1) is because, well, I think that is what celebrating love is all about — we know each other well enough to know that we love each other, we know each other well enough to know that we aren’t going anywhere, and that knowing is what makes us want to celebrate that union by getting as close to one another and bringing as much physical pleasure to each other as we possibly can…as often as absolutely possible.
To me, that is what the peak of physical intimacy is all about — and the people who choose to use the term “make love,” it should be seen through this type of lens. When this type of mental and emotional bond comes together via each other’s bodies, they are amplifying love, enjoying love, embracing love.
Making it, though? Chile, the love has already been made. Sex is just the icing on the cake.
Having Sex
A few nights ago, I found myself rewatching this movie called Four of Hearts (which you can currently view on yep, you guessed it: Tubi). It’s about two married couples — one that is in an open marriage and another that isn’t although they somehow thought that sharing a night with the other couple would be a good idea (chile). Anyway, as one of the partners found themselves getting low-key sprung, the one they fell for said in one of the scenes, “It wasn’t a connection. It was just sex.” JUST. SEX.
Listen, when you decide to let a man put an entire part of his body inside of you at the risk of potentially getting an STI/STD or pregnant (because no form of birth control is 100 percent except for abstinence), it can never be “just sex” (somebody really needed to hear that too). At the same time, though, I got the character’s point because, if one or both people do not love each other or even deeply care for one another and/or sex is treated as an activity more than an act to establish a worthwhile connection and/or you and the person you are sleeping with have not really discussed what you are expecting from sex besides the act itself — you’re definitely not making/celebrating love.
Not by a long shot. What can make things get a bit complicated, though, is you’re doing the same act that “love makers” do without the same mental and emotional ties…or (sometimes) expectations.
You know, back when I decided to put all of my business out there via the piece “14 Lessons I've Learned From 14 Sex Partners,” now more than ever, I am quite clear that most of those guys fell into the “having sex” category. I wasn’t in the type of relationship with them where “making love” even made sense; however, because I was friends with most of them, we weren’t exactly f-cking (which I will get to in just a moment) either. We had a connection of some sort for the bedroom yet not enough to be together in the other rooms of the house.
We were really attracted and curious, so we decided to act on that. Oftentimes, the sex was good and so we rationalized that “having sex” was enough because if the friendship was, eh, “sound enough”, that we could justify the physical pleasure.
And y’all, that’s kind of what having sex is — it’s the limbo (or purgatory, depending on your situation) between making love and f-cking. The thing about limbo ish is it’s a lot like something being lukewarm: it’s not really one thing or another which means that it can completely blindside you, if you’re not careful (and totally honest with yourself as well as your partner(s)).
So, if you are contemplating having sex, I really — REALLY — recommend that you figure out how you feel, what you want (outside of the act itself) and if you are prepared for what “not quites” can bring. My mother used to say that the consequences of sex don’t change just because the circumstances do — and there is some solid “wow” to that, if you really stop to think about it.
And finally, f-ck. Although most experts on the word (and yes, there are some) agree that its origin is rooted somewhere within the German language (although some say that it might’ve come from Middle English words like fyke or fike which mean “to move about restlessly” or the Norwegian word fukka which means “to copulate”), you might have also heard that it is an acronym that once stood for “Fornication Under Consent of the King”; and there is actually some data that is connected to that as well.
Legend has it that way back in the day, in order to keep reproduction rates where a particular king wanted them to be, he would instruct his residents to have sex with each other — whether they were married or not (hence, the word “fornication” being in the acronym). However, because sex outside of marriage was taken far more seriously at the time, residents had to apply for a permit to participate so that the king could determine if things like their occupation and lineage would prove to be beneficial for the kingdom overall. F-ck: no love; just necessity. And although some believe this to be more myth than fact, what is certain is it was only over time that f-ck was seen as a profane/swear/cuss word — a word that was perceived to be so offensive, in fact, that between the years 1795-1965, it didn’t even appear in dictionaries.
Personally, when I think of this four-letter word, the first thing that actually comes to my mind is animals. Take a dog being in heat, for instance. That’s basically when a female dog is ovulating and wants to have sex the most. It’s not because they are “in love” with another dog; they are simply doing what instinctively comes to them — and since animals do not reason or feel at the same capacity that humans do, although they science says that many of them do experience pleasure when they engage in their version of sexual activity, it’s not nearly as layered or even profound as what we experience.
Let’s keep going. Another reason why f-cking makes me think of animals is due to the doggy style position. Hear me out. Ain’t it wild how, most of us pretty much know that the term comes from how dogs have sex, even though most animals have sex that same way — and think about it: Doggy style doesn’t consist of making eye contact or kissing while having intercourse. It’s “hitting from behind” without much emotional energy or effort at all. Just how animals do it. And so, yeah, f-cking does seem to be more about pure animal — or in our case, mammal — instinct. I don’t need to feel anything for someone, so long as the sexual desire is there. Hmph.
Something else that I find to be interesting about f-cking is how dictionaries choose to define it. Many of them are going to provide you with two definitions: “to have sexual intercourse with” and “to treat unfairly or harshly (usually followed by over)” and that definitely makes me think of another term — casual sex and words that define casual like apathetic, careless and without serious or definite intention. So, the dictionary says that while f-cking is about having sexual intercourse — just like making love and having sex is — it goes a step further and says that it can include being treated unfairly or harshly.
And although that can make you think of assault on the surface, for sure — sometimes being treated unfairly or harshly is simply feeling like someone had sex AT you and not really WITH you; instinct (i.e., getting off) and that’s about it. Yeah, the way this puzzle is coming together, f-cking seems to be more about lust and self and not much else.
Now That You Know the Difference, What to Keep in Mind
Y’all, this is definitely the kind of topic that I could expound on until each and every cow comes home. That said, here’s hoping that I provided enough perspective on each act to close this out by encouraging you to keep the following three things to keep in mind:
1. Before you engage in copulation, be honest with yourself about what you’re ACTUALLY doing — and that your partner agrees with you. You know, they say that our brain is our biggest sex organ and honestly, breaking down the differences between making love, having sex and f-cking helps to prove that fact. I say that because, although the sex act itself is pretty much the same across the board, you and your partner’s mindset can make the experience completely different. That said, if you think that you are making love and they think y’all are just having sex — stuff can get pretty dicey. Bottom line: communicate in the bedroom before attempting to connect outside of it. It’s always worth it when you do.
2. Yes, you can feel one way and do something else. I can just about guess what some of y’all are on: Shellie, we can love our partner and still just want to f-ck. If what you are saying is you can emotionally love someone and physically lust them and want to act sometimes on the lust without really factoring in the love — yes, I agree. Doggy style continues to be a favorite sex position for people, in general, and I’m more than confident that many of the participants polled are in a serious relationship. However, having lust-filled sex with someone who you know loves you is vastly different than doing it with someone who you have no clue what they think about you or you barely know at all. Y’all, please just make sure that you know…what you should know. Sex is too amazing to have a lot of regret after it.
3. Have realistic expectations about sex. Listen, so much of my life consists of writing and talking about sex that I will be the first one to say that it deserves a ton of props for what it is able to do, in a wonderful way, for people mentally, emotionally and physically. Yet again, I’m not a fan of “make love” because something that feels really good doesn’t always mean that it is good for you. Meaning, you’ve got to be real about what sex with someone will do to your mind and spirit — not just what it will do for your body. An author by the name of Gabriel García Márquez once said, “Sex is the consolation you have when you can't have love.” For no one, should this be a constant norm. Feel me? I hope you do.
____
One act. Three very different experiences.
It’s kind of wild that sex has the ability to create that — and yet, clearly, it does.
Please just make sure that you know which experience you’re signing up for.
So that you’re having sex (you know, in general) instead of sex having you. Real talk.
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