Growing up, if you asked who my idol was, I'd die on the hill that was my mother. But as I came into my teen years, I found that there was a distinction to be made as there were only parts of my mother that I idolized. It was her ability to survive trauma (not to be confused with overcoming it), her drive, her business savvy, and overall cut throat nature in a capitalistic game that has been rigged. I admire these parts of her and I arguably wouldn't have any of that if it weren't for the parts of her that I find less palpable. Maternal love is not her forte and although it has been difficult for me to accept, I'm starting to realize that it's fine. That I will be fine!
Her maternal love is wrought with survival--it's half-assed love, muddled with fear and anticipation of abandonment from those she loves the most. It's tough love and the breeding of what the folk are now referring to as hyper-independence. It's baggage so abundant it would make a bellhop wince, packed up with trauma and mystified beliefs about the logistics of parenting.
Despite all that I described, I've realized that there is no one idol. In the same way that I feel we shouldn't hold celebrities to a paradigm of perfection, I'm beginning to see this paradigm is unrealistic for any one of us. And a constant setup for failure. There's community in our growth and wellness. No one person can be everything and therefore, no one person can teach us all the things. Especially if they have yet to experience it for themselves. After years of concern that I might never be able to fill the void of the types of love and affection I missed out on in the ladder stages of my life, I realized that it really is a village effort.
There are so many beautiful, strong, loving brilliant women in my life (including my mother) that have taught me the value in loving all sorts of things in abundance and what that looks like. I have woven together with the best of the many women who make up my community and strived to mirror them and their influence. May it be their belief in sisterhood, pursuing passion, or family values. Here are 20 lessons I learned from the mothers, aunties, sisters, friends, and mentors throughout my life.
20 Important Life Lessons I've Learned From Women
Life Lessons on Romantic Love
Shutterstock
- Figure out what you can live with and which quirks you absolutely cannot live with...find a partner based on that.
- You can't change anyone but yourself.
- Your partner should add and multiply from you, not divide and subtract. And vice versa.
- Forgive, but don't forget. Both are imperative checks and balances so that we don't make the same mistakes with future romances but also so we don't take our past grievances out in those new romantic partnerships. And even when we choose to move forward in current relationships after mistakes have been made.
- Get to know yourself first. Use tools like journaling and meditation in order to bring more introspection.
- Men/Women are not necessary, they are accessories. We live in a world where women can be anything including happily single. Gain better understanding of your "why" if you're seeking out the love of a companion because it seems natural, it's likely a response to socialization. So figure out what it really is that you want, you might be surprised.
Life Lessons on Platonic and Familial Love
Shutterstock
- Whenever possible you help family…especially your children. This seems like common sense but in the Black community we see it all too often where we're brought up on "tough" love. Parents require children to struggle simply because they struggled to get to where they are and that's not necessary. Nor is it how we achieve generational wealth.
- When friendship is authentic, it is healing.
- Family are those who you choose.
- Coparenting harmoniously and prioritizing the child's happiness is important. Even on the heels of a nasty relationship ending.
- Parents are just people with seemingly important titles. Doesn't mean they're good at the job, doesn't mean they're bad at it...they're just doing the best they can with what they have. Which leads me to this…
- Family is not exonerated from boundaries simply because you know their history with trauma. You can be understanding without being a martyr. We have our own work to do in this lifetime, so saddling ourselves with the job of unpacking and carrying the trauma of our mamas, sisters, uncles...it's not our job.
Life Lessons on Self-Love and Image
Shutterstock
- Set, establish, and maintain boundaries within all of your relationships. You cannot do one without doing the other three. But this is the only way to create healthy relationship dynamics with yourself and within your friendships.
- Sometimes it's cheaper to just pay for it. Cheaper for your well-being, peace of mind, etc.
- Dream big, dream hard. Your career doesn't have to be practical to everyone. Just you!
- Survival and healing are sold seperate. Persevering through trauma doesn't simply mean surviving it.
- Black people do luxury. Black people are deserving of luxury. Hell, we are luxury.
- We are too blessed to be stressed. As much as people hoot and holler about manifestation being ungodly, this popularized phrase says otherwise. Have faith that even in moments of difficulty, things will work out in the end. All you can do is try your absolute best and know that the Universe/God will meet you the rest of the way.
- Take pride in your appearance.
- Invest in your wardrobe. As great as fast fashion can be in a pinch, you should start building a collection of clothes that are timeless and can actually withstand time.
Are you a member of our insiders squad? Join us in the xoTribe Members Community today!
Featured image by Shutterstock
RELATED
Yep. I actually read one survey (that consisted of 2,000 people) that said folks tend to have twice as much sex while they are on vacation than they do when they’re at home. It makes sense too when you factor in that you have less to do (unless you’re traveling with those folks who act like you need an itinerary for every damn thing — and we all know one…SMDH), which makes you less stressed out, which makes it easier to feel sexy and to want to get sexual.
And so, in the spirit of that indeed being the case, I want to make sure that you carve out a corner of your suitcase or carry-on to include at least half of the following 12 things that are on this list — things that can help to make “summer vacation sex”…that much hotter, y’all.
1. Edible-Grade Sunscreen
GiphyIt can’t be said enough that, no matter how melanated you may be, your skin needs sunscreen. Not only to protect yourself from the risk of skin cancer (which 1 in 5 Americans will get in their lifetime) but from premature aging that can come from sun damage too. That said, if the urge arises to have sex outside somewhere, I did find some edible-grade sunscreen, in case you’re either worried about what sex in the sun will do to your skin or how all of the chemicals in sunscreen will affect your (digestive) system. The company is called Sky & Sol and you can read up on them here.
2. Flavored Lip Balm
GiphyIf you’ve ever wondered why your lips are so susceptible to being chapped, it’s because they don’t contain any oil glans to keep them moisturized. This is especially important to keep in mind when the weather is extremely cold or hot because that can do a real number on the sensitive skin that your lips are made out of. That’s why it’s essential to stay well-hydrated and to also keep some lip balm in tow. Lip balm is especially designed to moisturize your lips, reduce chapping, exfoliate, soothe irritation and protect your lips from UV damage. As a bonus, lip balm will also help to keep your lips super soft and kissable; especially if you get the flavored kind. #wink
3. Condoms
GiphyI’m still out here, literally shaking my damn head, that reportedly, only one-third of men and one-fourth of women use condoms (and even many of those folks don’t do it consistently). It can’t be said enough that if you’re not in a monogamous (married) or exclusive (dating) relationship where you both are getting regularly tested and are on some other form of birth control (unless you want to get pregnant) — you absolutely should be using condoms and, as a woman, you should not solely rely on your partner to have some that are ready and available.
Not just because you should be responsible for your body and health but because not all condoms are made equal, so you should bring along some that you prefer/enjoy. If you’d like a lil’ help picking those out, check out “These Are The Kinds Of Condoms Your Vagina Would Actually Prefer.”
4. Crotchless Swimsuit
GiphyPacking some sexy lingerie? I certainly hope that goes without saying. If you’ve got a hot tub around, though and you want to “get it in” without getting totally naked (so that nosey people won’t see every damn thing), you do know that there are some crotchless swimsuits out in these streets, right? An example of one is here. Of course, you can always do what Beyoncé said in “Drunk in Love” and just move ish over to the side but…I’m just giving you another creative option…if you wanted one.
5. Blindfolds
GiphyIf you’d like to cultivate an atmosphere of mystery or anticipation, a simple blindfold will do the trick. There is another reason why I think they are great for summer vacation (sex) trips, though — if your hotel room doesn’t come with blackout curtains and you want to have a quickie or two without the room being so bright, putting on a blindfold can solve that “problem” too.
6. Waterproof Sex Toys
GiphyWho said that you have to wait until you get to your hotel room to engage in some foreplay? If you bring a couple of sex toys around, you can tease each other practically anywhere — and if they are waterproof, that includes in the ocean or pool. Some, you can pair up with your smartphone in order to stimulate your partner from just about anywhere. Whew, chile.
7. Homemade Sex Toys Too
GiphySpeaking of sex toys, you’d probably be amazed at how many things in your house can double up as one. A spatula or wooden spoon is great for spanking. A necktie, some tights and a pair of clothespins work well for BDSM (use your imagination, sis). An electronic toothbrush is its own vibrator. A string of (lubricated) pearls in between your thighs? Girrrl…GIRL. Oh, and cop a silicone ice tray that comes in different shapes.
When you are rubbing ice in the shape of fruit, flowers or even animals over each other’s bodies, you’ll be surprised by how the combination of the cold with the texture of the space of the ice will stimulate you (make the ice out of juice instead of water for an extra sweet treat!).
8. Portable Charger
GiphyI don’t know what took me so long to get a damn portable charger but it’s one of the best things that ever happened to me. What I personally purchased is the ANKER Zolo Power Bank, 20,000mAh 30W High-Speed Portable Charger. I can throw it in my purse, it charges fast, I can use more than once before needing to recharge it; plus, it complements most devices. A great thing to keep in mind, so that your sex toys don’t end up going out on you while you’re…wherever you are.
9. Massage Oil Candle
GiphyGoing through security at the airport can be a HEADACHE. And while, how long it can take, oftentimes varies on the airport you’re at and the time you are traveling (you can read more about that here), the process is going to be especially annoying if they have to go through your bags. Since you can currently only pack a quarter-sized bag of liquid products on your carry-on, my two cents would be to leave the massage oil at home and pack a massage oil candle instead.
That way, you can still engage in some temperature play (check out “Hot Sex: 10 Super Sultry Reasons To Bring Wax Play Into Your Bedroom”) while you’re on the road without going through any security hassle hang-ups. Some edible massage oil candles are located right here.
10. Wine Cooler Sleeve
GiphySay that you end up going on a wine tasting tour while you’re on vacation and you end up purchasing a bottle or you simply want to toast with some champagne but you’re not sure how to store the bottle. Did you know that there are wine cooler sleeves that are lightweight, portable and will help to keep your bottles cold without condensation for hours on end? A brand that comes highly recommended is here.
11. Rose Petals
GiphyI think there are a few reasons why rose petals are oftentimes used to create a sexy mood. Red symbolizes love and passion. Rose petals are soft to the touch. The scent of them is considered to be an aphrodisiac as well. For all of these reasons, bring along some fresh rose petals for your hotel bed. If you put a damp paper towel in something like a small Tupperware container and then place the rose petals inside of that, they won’t dry out quickly which will make them feel great once you’re ready to start rolling around in them (you can also keep them in your hotel room’s fridge to further extend their shelf life).
12. Mints
GiphyMorning sex. Outdoor sex. Whatever kind of sex — it’s always going to be better when your breath and his smell good. And just so you don’t have to lug around a big bottle of mouthwash, pack some mints. Altoids are always going to be my number one draft pick — yet go with whatever are your personal faves. They’re the perfect hack for unbelievable summer vacation sex. Wouldn’t you agree? Enjoy!
Let’s make things inbox official! Sign up for the xoNecole newsletter for love, wellness, career, and exclusive content delivered straight to your inbox.
Featured image by Giphy