People decide to become celibate for many reasons. Whether it's for spiritual reasons or waiting until marriage. Whatever your reason for practicing abstinence is your business, but know that you're not alone. There are several celebrities who have spoken about their celibacy journey. From Ciara and Russell Wilson to, most recently, Lenny Kravitz, each of them shared their journey with the world, proving that there isn't one way to look at celibacy.
Check out what these A-listers had to say about it below.
Lenny Kravitz
Lenny recently doubled down on his decision to be celibate while speaking to The Guardian. “Yes. It’s a spiritual thing,” he said. This follows his 2008 Maxium interview, where he first talked about practicing celibacy. "[It's] just a promise I made until I get married. Where I'm at in life, the women have got to come with something else, not just the body, but the mind and spirit,” he revealed at the time.
Ciara and Russell Wilson
Russell Wilson and Ciara
Photo by Stefanie Keenan/VF24/WireImage for Vanity Fair
The Wilsons revealed that they both were practicing celibacy before they got married. Russell opened up about their decision in a past interview at The Rock Church. “I asked her, ‘What would you do if we took all that other stuff off the table and did it Jesus’ way, no sex?’” he said. “I knew God had brought me into her life to bless her and for her to bless me and to bless so many people with the impact that she has and I have.”
Mariah Carey
Mariah Carey shared that she was celibate prior to marrying Nick Cannon in 2008. In an interview with Mirror, she said, “It’s not that we had NO intimacy, we just didn’t have complete intimacy. It’s just me, and my feelings.” She continued, “I definitely don’t want to push it on anybody else, But we both have similar beliefs, and I just thought that it would be so much more special if we waited until after we were married. And it was, and it still is.”
Nick Cannon
Nick decided to abstain from sex again in 2022 after having his eighth child with model Brie Tiesi. “My therapist was one of the ones who said I should probably be celibate, and the reason why is because I had shared that news about Bre being pregnant,” he said on his now defunct daytime talk show. “And it was like, ‘Yo, I don’t know what to do.’ It felt like–I was trying to get a grasp, I got a new show coming out and that was the reason why I started my celibacy journey back then. So for anyone who’s thinking, ‘Oh, he wasn’t celibate,’ I was!”
He added, “I was like ‘Yo, I gotta get my life under control’ because I felt like I was out of control, and honestly that celibacy did help me through the journey of getting one with myself, being able to deal with this (the pregnancy) and so now everybody knows why I was being celibate.”
Nicki Minaj
Nicki Minaj
Photo by John Shearer/WireImage
When Nicki Minaj appeared on TheEllen DeGeneres Show in 2017, she revealed that she took a break from dating. “I’m just chillin’ right now,” she said. “I’m celibate. I wanted to go a year without dating any man. I hate men.”
Jordin Sparks
While guest co-hosting The Real, Jordin Sparks opened up about the self-love journey she went on before marrying her husband, Dana Isaiah Thomas. “I married Dana because after I went through therapy and I really worked on myself—I cut myself off from dating, and I went celibate,” she explained. "And I just was like, ‘I have so much love in my life. The next person who comes into my life in that way needs to add so much more than I already have.’”
Evelyn Lozada
Back in 2019, Evelyn Lozada shared that she got baptized and was now waiting to have sex until marriage. "I'm done with premarital sex. I felt like… [in] those relationships I lost a piece of me, every time I had sex [out of wedlock]," she told Baller Alert.
Yvonne Orji
Yvonne Orji
Photo by Leon Bennett/Getty Images for BET+
Yvonne Orji has been open about her virginity. During her 2017 appearance on The Breakfast Club, the comedian opened up about how she found God in college and made a vow to remain a virgin until marriage. "Personally, I had plans to have sex when I turned 18. I was dating [a guy], and I had it figured out. But, I got to college at 17 in D.C., and then I got saved,” she explained.
Meagan Good
When Meagan Good and DeVon Franklin were married, they wrote the book The Wait, which talked about them waiting to have sex before marriage. When the former couple appeared on Oprah Winfrey's Super Soul Sunday, the actress shared how a man who is willing to wait is husband material.
"That was a big issue for me because if he does leave me because I am not worth him waiting in his eyes, then he's not my husband," she said. "If someone does not think I am worthy of wanting to be the best version of myself, and wanting to get healing, and wanting to set myself up for success, if they won't do that with me, then I don't want to spend the rest of my life with them,."
Adrienne Bailon and Israel Houghton
Adrienne Bailon Houghton revealed that she and her husband, Israel Houghton, practiced abstinence before marriage. During an episode of The Real, the couple detailed their wedding night. “You don’t understand, we’ve waited for this moment. So I opened the door, and I had to kick Shane [The Real’s cameraman] out because he was following us around with the camera. Like, ‘You gotta go. Thank you for following us this far, but your time is up. Feel free to go to bed,'” Israel hilariously recalled.
Tamera Mowry-Housley
Tamera Mowry-Housley revealed that she was celibate before marrying her husband, Adam Housley. But before getting married, she learned how to please herself first. "So as you know, I've waited a really long time to have sex. But the thing is, is I knew what I liked and what I wanted because I can remember reading a magazine, actually it was ESSENCE, and it was about you know, sex education, pleasing yourself, and knowing what pleases you and what you like," she said on The Real.
So when she got married, she was knowledgeable about sex and what she wanted in the bedroom. "So even though I wasn't having sex I knew what I liked so I was in touch with myself. So, you know, once I got married with Adam and all of that, I knew what I wanted."
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Well, another way of saying “everywhere you go, there you are” is using the math term “common denominator” — and today, what we’re going to attempt to tackle is, why is it that some of us, if we stepped back a moment to take a very real and honest assessment of our dating life, do we always end up with the same kind of guy? One who really isn’t the best for us; sometimes, not even close.
Before getting into some questions that I think can help you get to the answer, let me just say that this is definitely one of the kinds of pieces that may step on at least your pinky toe before it’s all said and done. At the same time, although this might not be the most comfortable of reads, keep in mind what the late poet, singer, and publisher Tuli Kupferberg once said, “When patterns are broken, new worlds emerge.”
And so, if when it comes to the caliber of men you’ve dated, what you’ve been doing is revealing that your pattern is not really working for your ultimate good, spend a bit of time trying to unpack just why that could be the case — why, at the end of the day, you truly are the common denominator in it all.
How Self-Aware Are You?
GiphyAbout five years ago, I penned an article for the site entitled “These Are The Things Self-Aware People Do Daily.” You know, of all of the things to be in this life, prioritizing self-awareness is king because self-aware people do things like hold themselves accountable, know their strengths and weaknesses, identify their triggers, have good boundaries, self-reflect, pay attention to their own “blind spots” — and they can — eh hem — take feedback and constructive criticism pretty well.
That last one? If you’re constantly in a hamster wheel or even a cul-de-sac when it comes to men, be honest with yourself: did your family, friends, hell, even your co-workers warn you about some of the guys you dated, and you found yourself either defending, deflecting or getting offended? Yeah, self-aware people don’t get down like that because they would rather have peace and be wrong than act like they are always right and remain in chaos.
So yeah, if you’re always in some foolishness or even in relationships that are simply a counterproductive waste of time, pondering how self-aware you actually are is a really good place to start. Self-reflect. Know your weaknesses. Listen to what others have to say about your tendencies. All of this can do you a whole lot of good.
How Humble Are You?
GiphySociety is a wild place, boy. The reason why I say that is because, while it’s out here acting like humility is a bad thing, Scripture says, “By humility and the fear of the Lord are riches and honor and life.” (Proverbs 22:4) And why is humility such a vital spiritual attribute? Because, when you’re humble — you’re grateful; you’re teachable; you’re open to seeing things outside of your own perspective; you’re compassionate and empathetic; you’re flexible; you’re forgiving, and you’re able to release your ego so that you can accept what you need over what you want.
What you need over what you want. Chile, if that doesn’t keep some people in cyclic stuff, I honestly don’t know what does. There’s a client that I have right now who only contacts me when she’s basically blown up her life because she constantly gets caught up in a man’s looks and bedroom performance. When I tell her that she needs to stop making that #1 and #2 of things to look for in a relationship, she “uh-huh's” me and then does what she wants to do anyway — only for it to end up wreaking all sorts of havoc…again.
It’s another message for another time about how some of us could stand to look within to see if wanting a fine man above all else is more about validating some deep-rooted insecurities that we have about our own looks (ouch). For now, I’ll just say that if your ego is out here telling you that looks and sexual performance should trump things like character and consistency, it is LYING to you. If you chose to heed the humble side of yourself, you would know that.
And this actually brings me to my next question.
How Stuck Are You in Your “Type”?
GiphyThe reason why I wrote “According To Experts, We All Have A ‘Type’” back in the day is because it’s true — pretty much all of us have a type which is pretty much a preference; there’s absolutely nothing wrong with that either. At the same time, I’m advising, from very up close and personal experience, that it’s a good idea to spend some time pondering “the origin story” of where your type came from.
Me? I’m always gonna be down for a very tall, hella chocolate, basketball (or soccer) build Black man. However, I’m a sexual abuse survivor and my molester looked a lot like that, so during the healing process of what he did to me, I had to factor in his influence. Plus, my first love also fits the physical mold and he definitely had quite an impact on my life. So…see what I mean? My type didn’t just come out of nowhere. Yes, sometimes your type may have some trauma or drama attached to it. And yes, that might be really uncomfortable to think about; still, that doesn’t mean it’s not true.
Now my late fiancé? He was right at about 6’ and, complexion-wise, he was lighter than I am. He treated me better than most of the men of my past, though — and even though he definitely pursued me for a while to get me to consider us beyond being friends, because I took a risk outside of my type, I learned what it was like to be loved in a healthy way. And what that did for me was it taught me to remain open outside of my standard type. I still like a tall-ass Godiva man, chile (and don’t let him have a beard and be in a tailored suit!). I don’t limit myself to that package, though. To do so would be severely limiting — potentially tragic even.
How Healed Are You?
Giphy“Healed” is a word that comes up A LOT in the social media space. When it comes to relationships, specifically, it’s important to ask yourself if you are healed from your past because, if you aren’t, you very well could be reliving it over and over…and over again, whether you realize it (or choose to accept it) or not.
Just so that we’re all on the same page, the word “heal” means things like healthy, sound, and whole. Synonyms for the word include improve, restore, mend, soothe, and rehabilitate. Signs that you have healed from past hurts of a relationship (or a series of relationships) include you don’t think of them with anger or bitterness; you can see the silver linings from the experience; you’ve forgiven them for things that they did wrong (or that simply hurt you — and no, that’s not always one and the same), and you don’t pick (or avoid) other people to be in your life solely based on what someone else did to you.
What I mean by that last one is an unhealed woman may say something like, “I don’t want to do [such and such] for a first date. That’s what my ex liked to do.” The new guy isn’t him, so why does he have to be beholden to your past? Or, “I don’t trust men who won’t let me go through their phone. That’s how I found out my ex was cheating.” You know, for all of the women who like to play a non-animated form ofInspector Gadget (the real ones know), they sure don’t want their phones inspected as much as they like to do all of the inspecting. SMDH. Anyway, I don’t go through phones. For what? I don’t pay the bill and I’m not anyone’s parent. And so, your next guy not preferring it either? That doesn’t automatically mean that he’s up to no good — he may just want his boundaries respected. An unhealed person may not accept that. A healed one tends to, though.
And how can being unhealed play a direct role in you choosing the same guys over and over again? It’s weird because, sometimes you will go back to what’s familiar to you — because the new guy is such a risk, you’d prefer to “stick to the devil you know” than take a chance on someone who rolls very differently. It’s a cryptic way of remaining the common denominator in your dating dynamics. Oh, but it happens all of the time, chile.
What Makes a Man WRONG for You? Specifically?
GiphyOkay, with a lot of the inner work out of the way, how do you even come to the conclusion that someone (or several people) is wrong for you? Because you know what? Once you’ve done some real healing (and serious maturing), you can oftentimes find yourself accepting the fact that just because someone may not be right for you, that doesn’t automatically or necessarily make them a bad person. No, not at all.
Although the word “wrong” can mean that something or someone isn’t morally right, wrong also means things like erroneous, not suitable or appropriate, not in accordance with certain requirements, or — and please catch it — out of order (which sometimes consists of the right thing happening at the wrong time). So, if it does seem like you keep choosing (because it is always a choice; that is also where accountability comes in) men who aren’t appropriate, aren’t in accordance with your needs or standards, or who aren’t what you need at the time — why is that? Is it rooted in fear? Impatience? Settling? What?
I have had enough clients go through this to know that it’s not good enough to be abstract about someone being “wrong” for you. You need to set aside one weekend, get some wine and a fresh journal, and really get into what wrong looks like. For instance, if you keep lowering your standards (which is the wrong thing to do, by definition), why is that? Because no matter how wrong the guy may ultimately turn out to be, what you have to be willing to accept is — again — you chose him. Why do you choose what’s wrong? Because, more times than not, some red (or at least orange) flags were waving long before the relationship came crashing down; oftentimes, they reveal themselves within the first couple of dates. You just chose to ignore them.
One more.
Do You Know a Good Man When You See One? You Sure?
GiphyAs we close all of this out, when you get a chance, please check out “Question: Is The Man In Your Life Good 'TO' You? Good 'FOR' You? Or...Both?” Learning the difference between “to” and “for” took my own relational processing to an entirely new and freeing level. And you know what? Back to the healing point, another way to know that you’ve healed is you don’t generalize men. Meaning, that if you’re out here declaring that there aren’t any good ones, that’s not true; you’re just jaded (I mean, it’s the truth), and that head and energy space is affecting your judgment and perspective.
That said, if you’re constantly selecting the wrong men, ask yourself if you even know what a good man looks like (cue India.Arie’s “Good Man”). Again, by definition, good means things like morally excellent, right, kind, friendly, benevolent, educated, financially sound (not rich, stable and responsible…goodness), genuine, reliable, dependable, responsible, attractive, warm, intimate — satisfactory to the purpose (yes, that’s a literal definition).
For a man to be good for you, you need to know what purpose he is to serve at this particular point in your life because if, for example, all men seem to do, in your eyes, is use you for sex, why are you prioritizing sex over an emotional connection if the latter is the purpose that you seek right now? A lot of women can stop being the common denominator when it comes to choosing the wrong man if they 1) become the good that they seek and 2) do not betray the purpose behind why they even desire a relationship in the first place.
____
I know. When things aren’t going your way when it comes to matters of the heart, it can be easy to always say it’s the man’s fault. If there’s a pattern, though, please be a bit more self-reflective than that.
Once you do, you’d be amazed by how much about you shifts — to where the wrong guys can’t even get close to you, in the way that they used to, anymore.
Because you cease to be the “common denominator” you once were.
And how wonderful is that?
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