As 20- to 30-something-year-old women, we have choices and no longer have to subscribe to patriarchal norms that claim that we should be married with children at age 25. Any 25-year-old woman I know will tell you: that standard is outdated, and nearly impossible for some.
We chase our careers and ambitions, knowing that the world is at our fingertips and there's nothing we can't do, except meet a man who can offer reciprocity. Our loved ones always find time to remind us that our ovaries are depreciating and the dating pool is getting smaller, and no matter much magic that we create and give to the world, the question in the back of every black girls mind remains: Will I end up alone?
Undergoing some sort of quarter-life crisis, I sought advice and someone told me, "You'll meet the man of your dreams when the time is right." Excuse me, what is this? A game show? When exactly is the right time and what clock do I have to look at to find it? After some thought, I realized that things never happen exactly the way that I expect them to, but my blessings will always come on time. Jordin Sparks is also a testament to that.
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The last two years of Jordin's life have been pretty insane. She went from boo'd up to pregnant to engaged to eloped all within 12 months, and says that she wouldn't change her experience for the world. Last year, she and her now-husband Dana Isaiah Thomas found out that they were pregnant and announced their engagement. They were married months later in secret, and now have a bundle of joy that has changed their life forever. She told People:
"We went from being two individuals to being one to preparing to bring a child into this world. It was a real whirl."
She said that although things happened fast, she couldn't have imagined a better scenario. Still, sometimes it's hard to believe that she's really a person's mom.
"I'm a mom. That's so nuts I have moments where it just hits me."
She and her hubby's brand new bundle of sunshine was welcomed into the world at the beginning of the month. Baby D.J. was delivered by his father, Dana Isaiah Sr., with the help of Jordin's midwife at a birthing center in Los Angeles. She said that she chose to have a natural birth after deciding that traditional hospitals weren't exactly her style.
"Hospitals just felt a little weird and strange [to me]. I had a feeling I wasn't going to be comfortable on my back and I didn't want to have to give birth that way."
A source reported that black women are three times more likely to die during childbirth than white women, so it's understandable that a lot of women are seeking alternative ways to give birth. The singer said despite her emotional state, she had the strongest fighter on her team right her side.
"He was right by me the whole time. When I was going to different places and different universes with the contractions, he was right there in my ear or rubbing my back."
Isaiah even caught little D.J. on his way out in the world, which both of them said was a life-changing experience.
"[W]hen he handed him to me, I was absolutely overwhelmed with joy. He was and is everything we imagined. I'm feeling pretty good! I am so grateful for my husband and amazing team at the Natural Birthing Center. I don't think I would be feeling this great without them!"
The couple said the arrival of their newborn has made their relationship stronger than ever, and proves that when things don't happen the way we expect them to, sometimes it's for the better. The wait can be exhausting and frustrating, but Jordin and her hubby prove that sometimes the unconventional love stories are the most fun.
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The origin of the word "discipline" can be traced back to the Latin word "disciplina," which means "instruction" or "teaching." Over time, however, discipline has come to be synonymous with punishment, with parents relying on shame, fear, and/or physical pain to curb undesirable behavior.
Teaching takes time, so nipping it in the bud in whatever fashion parents deem necessary (within reason) has become the norm. But is this what’s best for children? And when does it become less about curbing undesirable behavior and more about getting our licks back for offenses we feel our children should know better to do?
In my work as a parenting coach, I’ve often heard parents say, “I asked him nicely three times before spanking him. He didn’t stop doing it until I did, so clearly talking doesn’t work.”
And the parent isn’t wrong. Talking often doesn’t work the first, the third, or the even the 10th time. And the reason is directly tied to brain development.
Children cannot and do not process information the way an adult can. Auditory processing is not fully developed until a child is 14 or 15 years old. And even then, if a child has auditory processing delays or Auditory Processing Disorder (APD), they may always struggle with processing auditory commands. According to Susie S. Loraine, MA, CCC-SLP, the term auditory processing refers to how the brain perceives and interprets sound information. Several skills determine auditory processing ability—or listening success. They develop in a general four-step hierarchy, but all work together and are essential for daily listening.
Without this understanding, discipline can easily become revenge because parents will then view their child’s misdeeds as a personal slight. Instead of teaching them to do better, parents now want to show them the consequences of not doing better. This is why it's imperative for parents to discern between discipline and revenge to maintain healthy relationships with their children.
5 WAYS TO DISTINGUISH BETWEEN PARENTAL GUIDANCE AND RETALIATION:
Understanding The Intent
Discipline is rooted in love and concern for the child's well-being. It focuses on teaching lessons and helping children understand the consequences of their actions. Conversely, revenge-driven actions stem from a desire to inflict pain or punishment as payback for perceived slights or disobedience. Parents should reflect on their motives before taking disciplinary actions. Ask yourself whether your intention is to help your child learn or to make them suffer for upsetting you.
Example: If a child accidentally breaks a valuable item, a disciplinary response would involve discussing the importance of being careful and working with the child to come up with a way to replace or fix what they’ve broken. On the other hand, a vengeful reaction might involve yelling, harsh punishment, or bringing up past mistakes to intensify guilt.
Maintaining Emotional Regulation
Effective discipline requires parents to remain calm and composed, even in challenging situations. It's natural to feel upset or frustrated when children misbehave, but responding with anger or resentment can escalate the situation and blur the line between discipline and revenge. Before addressing the issue, take a moment to breathe and collect your thoughts.
Example: If a child cannot follow instructions, a disciplined response would involve calmly explaining why their cooperation is necessary in working with the child to accomplish the goal. Conversely, a retaliatory response might involve shouting, name-calling, or resorting to physical punishment out of anger.
Promoting Growth and Learning
Discipline should always aim to promote growth and learning. It involves guiding children toward making better choices and understanding the impact of their actions on themselves and others. Effective discipline strategies include positive reinforcement, setting clear expectations, and providing opportunities for reflection and growth.
Example: If a child repeatedly forgets to complete their chores, a disciplinary approach would involve discussing the importance of responsibility and finding solutions together, such as creating a chore chart or setting reminders with Siri or Alexa. In contrast, a revenge-driven response might involve imposing overly harsh punishments or belittling the child, which can undermine their self-esteem and hinder their ability to learn from their mistakes.
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Building Trust and Communication
Trust and open communication are essential components of a healthy parent-child relationship. Discipline should strengthen this bond by fostering trust and encouraging children to confide in their parents without fear of judgment or retaliation. When children feel safe and supported, they're more likely to accept discipline as a form of guidance rather than punishment.
Example: If a child admits to breaking a rule or making a mistake, a disciplined response would involve listening to their perspective, discussing the consequences of their actions, and working together to find a solution. Conversely, a retaliatory response might involve accusations, blame, or shutting down communication, which can erode trust and damage the parent-child relationship.
Seeking Professional Guidance
Parenting is a learning journey, and, disciplining children is a delicate balance between guiding them toward responsible behavior and nurturing their growth. By understanding the intent behind our actions, maintaining emotional regulation, promoting growth and learning, building trust and communication, and seeking professional guidance when needed, as parents we can help our children built on love, respect, and understanding.
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