What you want might make you cry, and what you need might pass you by… if you don't catch it. What you need, ironically, will turn out what you want to be… if you just let it. Though these masterfully poetic words were spoken by Ms. Lauryn Hill in 1998, they still ring true, because any woman that's ever been in love can tell you that what looks good ain't always good for you. Adrienne Houghton recently echoed this sentiment when she slid through TSR's The Same Room with a word about how holding on to what you thought you wanted might make you miss out on what God has for you.
Pro tip: what God has is better.
In an episode of The Shade Room's series that also featured Angelica Nwandu and Stephanie Ike, Adrienne opened up about how it's possible to love God and still struggle. After a publicly tumultuous split from Rob Kardashian in 2009 and breaking off an engagement with her boyfriend of six years, Lenny Santiago, in 2015, Adrienne finally found 'the one'; but that didn't come without experiencing some major heartbreak, first. Adrienne said:
"For me, one of my lowest points was relationship things. Especially in my twenties. Oh, my twenties sucked. They were awful. And a lot of it had to do with wanting to be loved. I was looking for this love and I love really hard and so I expected that in return. And when I wouldn't receive that love in return it was incredibly hurtful. Even making the decision of breaking an engagement, that's not only was that depressing but it's embarrassing."
Coming from a family where she was constantly praised and told that she was loved, the 35-year-old TV host sought the same kind of love from potential suitors, and for a while, she was unsuccessful. Adrienne said that at some point, her loneliness transformed into a fear of abandonment and she began to question her faith.
"Moments like that can make you feel so low. There's so many things you think of in that moment that literally make you feel like, 'God, why do you feel so far from me?"'
The truth was, God wasn't far at all. Although God had already spoken to her and told her time and time again that he wasn't right, the heart wants what it wants, and like most of us, she was hard-headed. She explained:
"I know that I know that I know that I have a praying mom. And I know that I know that I know that God had spoken to me and told me that that was not the man for me. But I wanted that. I was on some, 'I been through too much. I deserve it. I want it.'"
Before you point your judgy finger at Adrienne, think about the last time you loved a man that you knew wasn't right for you. We've all been there, word to Adrienne and Lauryn Hill, we've all done it. In 2016, Adrienne married a man who tells her she's beautiful every single day, but along with a wedding ring, came a whole mess of scandal. She revealed that the key to finally finding the kind of love that her heart desired was understanding that sometimes, you don't have to understand. She explained:
"It didn't come in the package I thought it was. Do you know how much wrong was wrong with him? Had I gone off of logic, I would never be as happy as I am today. I went against everything that logically made sense."
A few years ago, her husband, Gospel songwriter, Israel Houghton, made headlines after it was alleged that he cheated on his wife of 20 years and fathered two children with a mistress. Despite the news breaking shortly after their wedding, Adrienne refused to jump ship and stuck by the man who God told her was the one.
"I'm not an idiot. I'm not stupid. I read everything you read. I genuinely felt led by the Holy Spirit. This is the one for you. For people who were perfect, who had no ex-wives, no children, but I would feel repellant toward them. They were on paper and what the public would have thought would have been perfect for me, they were repellant to my spirit."
Although Israel checked off none of her boxes, ultimately, she knew that life wouldn't be the same any other way.
"Israel was the worst look I ever could have gone with. I was the worst look for him. He was the worst look for me. But in the storm. What looked like a circus to everyone else, we were at home like this [leans back in a chilled position]."
All sugar ain't sweet. And sometimes, the things we think we want aren't as dope as the things we'd have if we'd just let go of what we think it should look like. Maybe finding the life of your dreams starts with you letting go of the life you thought you wanted. Adrienne thinks so.
Featured image via YouTube/Shade Room
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Why can’t (more) singles just be single and be okay with that? Good Lord. Why does there need to be some sort of relational play-on-words to make it sound like we’re with someone — even if we’re not?
Now masturdating? Even though it’s not even close to being a “real” word, it’s something that also brought a laugh outta me — although it was then followed by a genuine smile. The laugh because I almost immediately caught the play-on-words. The smile was due to the intention behind it all.
If you’re not familiar with what masturdating is and you’re curious about why you should even care, take a few moments to at least skim through what it’s about and why I think participating, as a single person, is a pretty cool (and effective) concept.
@knotlukas Masturdate: a date w oneself
What’s Masturdating All About?
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Masturdating. Okay, so let the word marinate for just a moment. What does it sound like? Yeah…exactly. And since a huge part of masturbation centers around self-pleasure, it’s cool to explore how “self-dating” could produce similar (as far as pleasure is concerned in a broader sense) results. Because masturdating is all about spending quality time with yourself, pampering yourself, treating yourself— and yes, taking yourself out on dates.
Any of you who may think that masturdating is a consolation prize — and a pitiful one at that — for not being able to go out with another human being or get that dream $200 first date that social media was all in a tizzy about last year (bookmark that) — personally, I think that you’re the demographic who needs to try out masturdating first and the most. Why? Off top, I’ll share my three good reasons.
3 Reasons To Strongly Consider Masturdating
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1. It’s an intimate way to get to know yourself better. I’ve been working with couples for a pretty long time at this point and if there’s a pattern that I see arise, OFTEN, it’s that two people are oftentimes so busy trying to “find their person” that they didn’t even know who they were. As a direct result, they found themselves in a relationship with someone who only complemented the “kiddie pool version” of who they were.
That’s why it can be so beneficial to spend time getting to know yourself on the “deep end” of things: what makes you tick, what your passions are, what you want most out of life, what are your interests beyond obvious things — and masturdating can help you to discover all of this. Whether it’s traveling alone or taking out a weekend to drink some wine and journal, the more you get to know yourself, the clearer you’ll be about who complements you on a romantic and friendship level.
2. It will definitely help to boost your confidence levels. I guess since I’m an ambivert, I don’t really get why people freak out at the mere thought of going to a restaurant or movie alone. Personally, I think it requires a helluva lot more energy and gumption to wait around and plan stuff with other people (#Elmoshrug). However, whether you’re an introvert, extrovert, or ambivert, there’s no way around the fact that the more comfortable you get with doing things alone, the more your confidence levels will increase — no, soar — because of it.
One article that I read on the topic said that doing things alone can make you more creative, improve your mental health, and help you to be totally okay with being alone (so that you’re not “needy” for other people’s attention). A psychotherapist from a New York Times article on the benefits of spending time alone said, “Getting better at identifying moments when we need solitude to recharge and reflect can help us better handle negative emotions and experiences, like stress and burnout.” And when you’re able to stare negativity in its face without flinching, how could that not make you bolder, more self-secure, and hopeful about your life?
3. It will teach you to value your time more effectively. In every facet of your world, you’re gonna operate from a healthier place if you’re operating from a “full cup” rather than an empty one. When it comes to this topic, think about it — if you’re constantly waiting on someone to call you to go out or wishing for a dream date with some guy, all you’re doing is wasting precious time that you could be spending taking a cooking class or hell, hiring a chef to make you dinner at your own home.
Indeed, waiting has two sides to it: when it’s in the form of patience, it is indeed a virtue, yet when it’s wrapped up in the notion that you’re not really living life unless you have an audience…it is totally working against you. Choose wisely.
10 Solo Date Ideas To Help You To “Master” Masturdating
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So, what if you’re someone who has either never considered actually masturdating before or you don’t really know what to do beyond dinner and the movies? Here are a few ideas to consider:
1. Attend a workshop or masterclass that you’re interested in. If there’s something that you’ve always wanted to learn, sign up for a workshop or masterclass. The cool thing about this option is there are probably some in your city, as well as some that you can find online (like here) that are convenient and affordable.
2. Binge-read at a local coffee shop. Aside from their coziness and oftentimes inviting scents, I once read that a lot of us gravitate to coffee shops because we can be around people without having to actually socialize with them. So, if you want to “hang out” while still being able to enjoy a bit of solitude, take a book that you’ve been trying to finish to a local coffee shop, order your favorite latte, and sit in a big-ass comfy chair. Usually, you can sit there for hours, and the staff will be just fine with it (another bonus).
3. Have a spa day in the next town. You can never go wrong with a spa day. And while going with a friend can be fun, sometimes there’s too much talking transpiring to be able to fully chill out and relax. So, go off of the grid, get a change of scenery, and hit up a spa in the next city (or town). There are lots of studies out here supporting that day trips or “daycations” can actually be really good for your long-term health and well-being.
4. See a community play. Some of the best solo dates that I’ve ever been on consisted of taking in some of the local arts in my city. What’s really cool about this particular option is, oftentimes, they are extremely inexpensive, if not totally free of charge (in exchange for making a donation or putting money into a tip jar).
5. Plan a trip. Whenever people say something along the lines of, “If you don’t expect anything, you won’t be disappointed,” I know that they low-key have some (additional) healing to do from past disappointments. There’s simply too much intel out here to support that anticipation (of good stuff) makes us more motivated and optimistic, keeps our dopamine levels up, and makes life more exciting overall.
Since traveling alone is more cost-effective, gives you the freedom to do whatever you want (when you want), and increases the possibility of meeting new people and having new experiences on your journey — why not devote a day this weekend to planning a solo trip? All the way around, it’s good for you.
6. Try your hand at your own “$200 date.” Uh-huh. Roll your eyes if you want to, but it’s real easy to talk left about how a man should be able to just drop $200 like it’s nothing…until you actually try to do it. So yes, while taking yourself out on this type of date could serve as a bit of a reality check, it can also “scratch the itch” of waiting on some dude to do it for you. It’s also way less emotionally draining because, at least when you’re taking your own self out, it’s guaranteed that you’ll enjoy the company…right?
7. DIY some pampering. When you get a chance, check out “5 Reasons You Should Unapologetically Pamper Yourself,” “Want To Love On Yourself? Try These 10 Things At Home.,” “I’ve Got Some Ways For You To Start Pampering Your Soul,” and “When's The Last Time You Actually Pampered Your Vagina?” The bottom line here is pampering is all about, not mere self-maintenance; it’s all about treating yourself to levels of EXTREME SELF-INDULGENCE. So, if nothing else tickles your fancy on this list, at least consider doing that, chile.
8. Feed your creativity. Something that I used to be really good at is art. That said, one of my goddaughters is insanely talented, so she has reminded me to tap back into it. Also, a big part of what got me into the writing world is poetry; I actually used to be a house poet at a local spot. Sometimes, my best quality time moments with myself have been revisiting these creative sides of me — and this is definitely easier to do (and enjoy) alone.
9. Try some stargazing. When’s the last time you took a blanket into your backyard, laid down on it, and just stared at the stars for hours on end? While some say that stargazing can teach you to be mindful, others say that being in that form of nature reduces stress, while others believe that looking up at the universe at night can increase your attention span. All solid reasons to give it a shot, if you ask me.
10. DO. ABSOLUTELY. NOTHING. Let me tell you something that nobody will ever be able to make me feel bad about: doing absolutely nothing. I’ve got data to back me up. Good Housekeeping shares that doing nothing can help you decide how you want to respond or react to certain things. I like howThe Guardian says that taking this approach helps you to regain control of what you give your attention to.
TIME magazine says that it can ultimately make you more productive.BBC offers up that it can help you tap into your ingenuity.Henry Ford Health says that it can make you kinder and a better problem-solver. So, if you want to invest in yourself, do nothing sometimes.
Closing Thoughts from the Lovely Javicia Leslie
While some of y'all may know Javicia Leslie from being the former Batwoman, I discovered her back in the day from the indie series Chef Julian (and yes, "Julian" was right to say that "Mo" looks like Tatyana Ali...the real ones know). Sometimes I'll hop on her IG to see what she's got going on and this story popped up within a few hours of me penning this...so, I took it as hella confirmation.
TREAT YO SELF. WAIT FOR NO ONE.
WAIT FOR NO ONE. TREAT YO SELF.
RINSE AND REPEAT.
_____
Sooo…what kind of masturdating plans do you have for this coming weekend? While going out with others has its perks, hanging out with yourself has a ton of ‘em too. Enjoy!
No…for real. ENJOY!
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