Is Your Man 'Quiet Quitting' You (And You Don't Even Know It)?

First, Why Would a Person “Quiet Quit” in a Relationship to Begin With?

I can just about guess what some of you are already wondering: if a guy is going to go through all of the trouble of doing what a quiet quitter does, why doesn’t he simply end the relationship? Well, sometimes, it’s not that simple. Think about jobs. Even though it’s been reported that over 60 percent of people say that they are emotionally detached at work, while 19 percent go as far as to say that they are completely miserable at their office, what they don’t do is quit. Why? Because jobs provide money for their services, money pays bills, and bills are something that all grown people have to deal with.

In other words, no matter how unhappy some individuals may be, they will find a way to make it work because there is still some sort of “payoff” going on. Sometimes, a relationship is no different.

And, if you pause and ponder long enough, I bet that you can either recall a relationship you’ve been in or you know of someone who’s in a relationship where they are emotionally detached (or sexually unfulfilled or mentally bored or…or…or) and yet they remain because 1) there’s a lot of history between them and their partner; and/or 2) they love their partner yet they’re not sure if they’re “in love” anymore, and/or 3) they are telling themselves, year after year, that what they are going through is seasonal and eventually things will change for the better.

And so, in the meantime, what do they do? THEY QUIET QUIT because, even though they aren’t exactly thrilled with the current state of their relationship right now, they are still getting something (or things) that they need out of it — yes, there is still a payoff.

Now remember, when it comes to professional quiet quitting, it oftentimes happens when folks feel like they are doing most of the work, and/or they don’t feel appreciated and/or they feel disrespected, and/or they feel like their partner is trying to run things all of the time. Lawd…LAWD.

Now, when a guy feels this way in his relationship, how might quiet quitting manifest itself?

6 Ways a Man May Quiet Quit in His Relationship

1. The two of you spend less time together. Say that you really like someone, yet it seems like every time you’re around them, some sort of argument goes down, or you don’t feel like you can fully be yourself. The good times are good enough that you don’t want to end things, however, at the same time, the bad times are annoying enough that you can’t be around them constantly. So, what do you do? You spend less time in their presence. In a dating dynamic, dates are fewer, conversations are shorter, and less and less future plans are made. This is one way a person who is quiet quitting a relationship may choose to handle things.

2. He’s not as readily accessible as he used to be. My male circle? I’m hella proud of them. One reason is that they all are pretty successful in their prospective fields; so much, in fact, that one of them just told me while we were on a lunch date a few days ago that he almost always answers my calls as opposed to so many people who get pushed straight to voicemail: “You rarely want anything. You just want to know how I am, so I enjoy talking to you.”

That said, I have some clients who nitpick and nag their spouses incessantly. Then they complain about them not immediately answering their calls or replying to their texts. The reason is obvious: who wants to choose to be berated 24/7? Yeah, if your partner used to be readily accessible and that seems to be shifting for some reason, before complaining about it, ask yourself why that might be the case — what you may be doing that has resulted in that type of reaction (or lack of reaction).

3. He’s far more REACTIVE than PROACTIVE. People do what they wanna do. That is so true. And although some folks need to accept that it’s no one’s job to be at their beck and call (entitlement ruins so many relationships), when someone is truly into another person, a clear indication of that is they tend to be far more proactive (doing things without being asked or prompted) than reactive (doing things because they were asked or prompted to do it). When it comes to what’s transpiring in your relationship right now…which is it?

4. The intimacy is lagging. Whenever a physically capable married person tries to tell me that sex isn’t a big deal in their relationship, all I see is one huge human red flag. At least when it comes to the traditional type of marriage, one of the main things that makes it different from any other type of relationship IS that there is a committed-to-one-partner type of physical intimacy between two people. So, if a husband and wife are each other’s only sexual “outlet” — hell yeah, sex needs to be prioritized.

That said, when sex isn’t (as) present in a long-term dynamic, 8 times outta 10, without question, it’s revealing issues within the relationship — and oftentimes, no matter how attractive a person is or even how good the sex may have been with them in the past, when a person doesn’t feel seen or esteemed, they can/will start losing interest. This can also happen when they feel disrespected by their partner, and so they start to put up walls — including in the bedroom.

5. When you bring up the future, he deflects. Relationships are designed to move forward. If they remain stagnant, more times than not, they will eventually come to an end. And so, if it seems like your relationship is currently in a rut or you can’t remember the last time that any real future plans were discussed and/or made, this also could be an indication that your man is a quiet quitter.

The relationship may be cool enough to not end it (for now) — at the same time, though, he may be kinda sorta keeping his eyes open for other “opportunities”…if you know what I mean. And that’s why he doesn’t want to commit to anything more than what he is already in.

6. At the end of the day, he basically does what he “has” to do. The bare minimum. Who wants to be in a relationship where that is transpiring, and yet a lot of people are right there? And why would someone take a bare minimum approach? They might prefer to dodge confrontation. They might not be sure how to please their partner (because their partner keeps changing their mind about what their wants and needs are). They might be running on fumes. They might no longer feel enthusiasm in the dynamic.

To them, there might not be enough of a reason to feel inspired or motivated to do more — and so, they do just enough to keep the relationship going and not much more than that.

How to Address a Relational Quiet Quitter

The interesting thing about all six of those potential quiet quitting scenarios is many folks are right in them, and yet, they think that the way to handle the matter is to gripe, criticize, and/or toss out ultimatums left and right when really, there are far more effective ways to get things back on track.

Figure out what you really want. Remember how I already said that some employees quiet quit because their employers either don’t have clear expectations or they are constantly changing them? Geeze, who wouldn’t be frustrated in that type of environment? In fact, I was recently talking to a client who said that they have been on their job for well over two decades with no official title. SMDH. Talk about corporate gaslighting.

Anyway, if your guy isn’t giving you what you want, it might be because you’re putting more pressure on him to read your mind or figure out what those things are when really…you need to find clarity within yourself and then articulate your expectations — not as demands either. Grandma used to say that you can always catch more flies with honey than vinegar.

Same thing goes for getting your needs met. If you feel like some low-key quiet quitting is going on, ask yourself what you want and then make your requests clearly known. Clarity fixes a lot of relationship issues. Trust me.

Address the issue head-on. I don’t know why people think that hinting around is effective — especially with men. Chile, I can’t tell you how many times a woman has said to me that her man has asked if she’s okay, she has responded with an abrupt “I’m fine,” and then she thought he was being “insensitive” by then dropping the subject and going on about his business. If things aren’t fine, it’s up TO YOU to say it, not up to him to ask you 20 questions before you finally state what is really going on. SMDH.

That said, now that you know how quiet quitting can play out in relationships, if you sense that it is happening between you and your guy, bring it up. Not in an accusatory way but in an “I’ve noticed lately that this and this have [or haven’t] been happening. Am I right? Is there something that you want to talk about?” Even guys who don’t like confrontation tend to open up more when they feel like their partner genuinely cares about what they think and how they feel.

Come to an agreement on how both needs can be met. If someone leaves a job, it’s oftentimes because their needs aren’t being met, they found an opportunity that will help them to grow better/faster, or they have been offered more elsewhere. On the other hand, when someone is released from a position, they weren’t meeting their employer’s expectations, they aren’t sticking to the arrangements that were made at the time that they were hired for the position, they “false advertised” when they took the job (meaning, they said that they could fulfill the requirements and then reneged in some way) and/or they are so out-of-pocket with their actions, that their employer simply can’t rationalize keeping them around any longer.

In other words, an employer/employee situation has to be a give-and-take — relationships are no different. So, if after talking to your partner about what is going on, the next step is not for both of you to go back and forth about whose needs or expectations aren’t being met more — no, the next step is to see if you both care about and value one another enough to “meet in the middle,” so that both people feel valued and appreciated.

Mutually agree to be patient with the adjustments that need to be made. When someone is a quiet quitter, it also usually means that trust has been fractionated on some level. And so, if you both decide to try and make things, not just “work” but work for the better, you need to extend a grace period between the two of you. It takes time to break old habits, execute new approaches, and see things (more) from your partner’s perspective. Care enough about each other to be patient with one another.

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A lot of relationships have quiet quitters in them (both directions). A lot of relationships can also be saved if people realized that quiet quitting is the root problem. If you see your situation in all of this, hopefully, you can now approach it in a way that will breathe new life into your dynamic.

After all, life is too short to be out here quiet quitting. Make it work, or move on.

(If you see some real good, try to make it work first, though. We are too grown to be “quick quitting” too.)

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