Aight, y'all. Are you ready to try and tackle this topic? Where to begin…where to begin? Oh, I got it. Not too long ago, I checked out a clip from OWN's Black Love series. The couple that I was watching was Salli Richardson-Whitfield and Dondré Whitfield. As they touched on the topic of infidelity, something that Salli stated was, "Well, I said if you did something, I don't know. I'm committed. I'm just gonna have to be mad at you for a long time, torture you. As long as you didn't have another family [I would stay]." Both she and Dondré seemed pretty light-hearted about the topic, but check it—the reason why I looked it up at all is because I initially saw the clip referenced in a forum and the women were H-O-T. Salli was called everything from stupid to desperate while the assumption was made that infidelity probably already happened which is why Dondré was laughing about it. (Goodness, y'all!)
Meanwhile, I'm over here on a totally different side of the fence. One, although they were speaking in total hypotheticals, Salli and Dondré have been married 16 years so, kudos to them for even accomplishing that in Hollyweird. Two, I couldn't help but wonder how many of the commenters have never been married before because it's real easy to say what you will or won't put up with until you are in the situation—or need to be forgiven yourself for cheating (ouch). And three, as a marriage life coach, I'm here to tell you that infidelity—which oftentimes includes surviving infidelity—actually happens a lot. Shoot, at least half of the couples I've dealt with have experienced it. Sometimes it's the husband who cheated, sometimes it's the wife—many times it's both. And, a lot of them have worked through it and have thriving marriages now.
Whenever I'm asked what I think about cheating, there are three things that I typically say. One, traditional marriage vows don't only consist of "remaining faithful so long as you both shall live". Sticking it out when your partner is broke and sick, holding them down during good times and bad, remaining until death parts you are up in there too. So, when a spouse doesn't do that, is that also a form of vow-breaking (just sayin')?
Two, we all should take a moment to think about how we'd want our partner to treat us if we cheated on them; sometimes we won't extend the forgiveness and mercy that we wish to receive. Three, what I would advise a married couple vs. a dating one is very different; married people took vows, they signed on a dotted line—it's far more serious. And four, cheating has layers and perspectives. What I mean by that is actor Olivia Wilde once said, "I think that women are more sensitive to emotional infidelity than men. I think men are more scared of physical infidelity." (I think it depends on the man or woman that you ask.) Author Susan Forward once said, "When your lover is a liar, you and he have a lot in common, you're both lying to you!" Dr. Shirley Glass once said, "The new infidelity is between people who unwittingly form deep, passionate connections before realizing that they've crossed the line from platonic friendship into romantic love. Infidelity is any emotional or sexual intimacy that violates trust."
What all of this screams out is you've got to figure out where your line is. With that said, micro-cheating is a form of cheating that can help you to know exactly where your line is.
So, What Is Micro-Cheating, Anyway?
Cheating is a form of betrayal and betrayal hurts. There's no doubt about that. And just how many people are betrayed via infidelity? When it comes to cheating in a marriage, it's been reported that 23 percent of husbands have cheated while 12 percent of wives have. But I'm thinking that 1) some folks didn't tell the truth and 2) that must be related to sex because another study reveals that 45 percent of men and 35 percent of women have owned up to participating in an emotional affair. As far as micro-cheating goes, it's what I consider to be the "gateway drug" to physical and emotional infidelity. It's when you basically ride the pencil-thin line of faithfulness and unfaithfulness.
But where it gets tricky is different people have different definitions of where that line actually is. So, how about I pose some situations and scenarios and you tell me if you think that it's crossing your line or not:
- Your significant other texting members of the opposite sex
- Your significant other going out to lunch or dinner with a female friend or co-worker
- Your significant other buying a woman you don't know a present or paying one of their bills
- Your significant other communicating with women that they don't reveal to you
- Your significant other responding to non-professional or strictly platonic DMs
- Your significant other still remaining in touch with their ex (or exes)
- Your significant flirting with other people
- Your significant other dancing with other people (whether they personally know them or not)
- Your significant other exchanging PG-rated pics to another woman
- Your significant other giving their phone number to someone of the opposite sex
When you see it in black-and-white like this, now do you see why micro-cheating has the "micro" in front of it and, based on how you define cheating, it can be a bit of a hard call? That's the entire point. Sometimes, it's the itty-bitty-seemingly-harmless acts that can put a person on the path to doing some real damage to their relationship.
When It Comes to These Actions, Check the Motive and Intent
If you go to your favorite search engine and put "micro-cheating" into the search field, you'll see a good amount of articles on the topic (a pretty good one is "Micro-Cheating Could Be Ruining Your Relationship. Here's What to Do About It."). I've read—or at least skimmed—a good amount of them. The conclusion that I've come to is it's all about motive. Well, motive and if your partner is sneaking or not. What I mean by that is (for instance) not everyone who is still friends with an ex is still trying to get with them (see "Why Staying Friends With An Ex Is Okay (& Healthy)" or heck, check out Erykah Badu and Common performing together at the 2019 Black Girls Rock! show). Same point applies to your man telling a female co-worker that she looks nice or him interacting with people on his socials that the two of you haven't had a detailed conversation about.
Where it gets tricky—and by "tricky" what I really mean is shady—is if something or one comes to your attention, you address your man and he blows it off, deflects or gets defensive (also check out "This Is How To Tell If Someone's Lying To You"). Because if everything is innocent, all good and totally above board, what is exactly the problem with you asking (not accusing but asking) and him answering what's up?
But here's the deal—if he does take an issue with your inquiry, that's when we've just entered into the totally uncomfortable world of micro-cheating. And if micro-cheating goes on long enough, there's a good chance that it could transition into full-blown cheating.
What Should You Do About a Micro-Cheater?
OK, so what exactly should you do if you find out that your man is a bona fide micro-cheater? Well, it can't be said enough that it's important that you both discuss a topic like this before you get to cussin' and delving out punishments—I'm sorry, I mean consequences. Because again, sometimes cheating looks different ways to different people. While you may make it a habit to block any ex or person who flirts with you online, don't assume that everyone else processes social media interaction the same way. It's when you and he have come to a mutual decision of what micro-cheating is and he violates it that things get…strange. Because if you've both decided to not do certain things and he does, that is a form of disrespect as well as a violation and, as a novelist by the name of Patti Callahan Henry once said, "Cheating and lying aren't struggles, they're reasons to break-up."
I agree—if you're dating. Because to me, dating is a lot like interviewing someone for a position; if they are showing you that they aren't qualified, it's best to end things before getting more involved. If you're married? I'm not saying to sit and take it by any stretch. But what I would encourage you to do is at least go to counseling first. I know many people who have been disappointed by their spouse, immediately left and went on to regret it whether it was a month later or 10 years down the road (I'll be writing about that soon; in the meantime, an article that address this is "4 Reasons You Might Regret Getting Divorced Down the Line"). Marriage isn't something to enter into lightly or leave without really thinking it through. Speaking with a therapist, counselor or coach may be able to offer up an "outside looking in perspective" so that you can make a decision that you can have complete and total peace about—now and years from now.
OK y'all. It's blatantly obvious that micro-cheating is something that could be discussed for days on end. But for now, at least if it comes up in the break room at work, you'll know what folks are referring to. And, if you want to find a way to "cheat proof" your relationship, you can forward this onto your boo so that the two of you can discuss what you both think micro-cheating is—and come to a mutual conclusion, moving forward.
A wise person once said that one snowflake is the beginning of an avalanche. Apply that here and it's more one act of micro-cheating could possibly become responsible for infidelity. Now that you know what it is, don't let it. Both of you…don't let it.
Want more stories like this? Sign up for our newsletter here and check out the related reads below:
Why Do Men Cheat? 7 Underestimated Reasons Married Men Have Affairs
I Caught My Husband Cheating --- Here's Why I Stayed
This Is Why I Have Mad Respect For People Who Break Off Their Engagements
10 Things Married Couples Wished They Paid More Attention To While Dating
Feature image by Giphy
- Do Women Cheat More Than Men? - xoNecole: Women's Interest, Love, Wellness, Beauty ›
- Dreaming About Your Partner Cheating: What It Means - xoNecole: Lifestyle, Culture, Love, & Wellness ›
- 12 Reasons Why Women Cheat - xoNecole: Lifestyle, Culture, Love, & Wellness ›
- What Is Micro-Cheating? What to Know About This Risky ... ›
- 'Micro-cheating' is the worrying dating trend you need to know all ... ›
- What is a micro-cheat and are you one? ›
- What is 'micro-cheating'? And does it really count? ›
- Here's what micro-cheating is and how to know if you're doing it ... ›
- What Is Micro Cheating? | POPSUGAR Australia Love & Sex ›
- Micro-cheating: 9 signs and what you can do about it - Hack Spirit ›
- What Counts As Micro-Cheating? 10 Behaviors That Cross The Line ... ›
- What's Micro-Cheating, and Is It Hurting Your Relationship? | Time ›
- What is microcheating? How to know if you're microcheating ›
RELATED
So, we handpicked one hundred It Girls who embody that palpable It Factor moving through us as young Black women, the kind of motion lighting up the world both IRL and across the internet.
It Girl 100 became xoNecole’s most successful program, with the hashtag organically reaching more than forty million impressions on Instagram in just twenty-four hours. Yes, it caught on like wildfire because we celebrated some of the most brilliant and influential GenZennial women of color setting trends and shaping culture. But more than that, it resonated because the women we celebrated felt seen.
Many were already known in their industries for keeping this generation fly and lit, but rarely received recognition or flowers. It Girl 100 became a safe space to be uplifted, and for us as Black women to bask in what felt like an era of our brilliance, beauty, and boundless influence on full display.
And then, almost overnight, it was as if the rug was pulled from under us as Black women, as the It Girls of the world.
Our much-needed, much-deserved season of ease and soft living quickly metamorphosed into a time of self-preservation and survival. Our motion and economic progression seemed strategically slowed, our light under siege.
The air feels heavier now. The headlines colder. Our Black girl magic is being picked apart and politicized for simply existing.
With that climate shift, as we prepare to launch our second annual It Girl 100 honoree list, our team has had to dig deep on the purpose and intention behind this year’s list. Knowing the spirit of It Girl 100 is about motion, sauce, strides, and progression, how do we celebrate amid uncertainty and collective grief when the juice feels like it is being squeezed out of us?
As we wrestled with that question, we were reminded that this tension isn’t new. Black women have always had to find joy in the midst of struggle, to create light even in the darkest corners. We have carried the weight of scrutiny for generations, expected to be strong, to serve, to smile through the sting. But this moment feels different. It feels deeply personal.
We are living at the intersection of liberation and backlash. We are learning to take off our capes, to say no when we are tired, to embrace softness without apology.
And somehow, the world has found new ways to punish us for it.
In lifestyle, women like Kayla Nicole and Ayesha Curry have been ridiculed for daring to choose themselves. Tracee Ellis Ross was labeled bitter for speaking her truth about love. Meghan Markle, still, cannot breathe without critique.
In politics, Kamala Harris, Letitia James, and Jasmine Crockett are dragged through the mud for standing tall in rooms not built for them.
In sports, Angel Reese, Coco Gauff, and Taylor Townsend have been reminded that even excellence will not shield you from racism or judgment.
In business, visionaries like Diarrha N’Diaye-Mbaye and Melissa Butler are fighting to keep their dreams alive in an economy that too often forgets us first.
Even our icons, Beyoncé, Serena, and SZA, have faced criticism simply for evolving beyond the boxes society tried to keep them in.
From everyday women to cultural phenoms, the pattern is the same. Our light is being tested.
And yet, somehow, through it all, we are still showing up as that girl, and that deserves to be celebrated.
Because while the world debates our worth, we keep raising our value. And that proof is all around us.
This year alone, Naomi Osaka returned from motherhood and mental health challenges to reach the semifinals of the US Open. A’ja Wilson claimed another MVP, reminding us that beauty and dominance can coexist. Brandy and Monica are snatching our edges on tour. Kahlana Barfield Brown sold out her new line in the face of a retailer that had been canceled. And Melissa Butler’s company, The Lip Bar, is projecting a forty percent surge in sales.
We are no longer defining strength by how much pain we can endure. We are defining it by the unbreakable light we continue to radiate.
We are the women walking our daily steps and also continuing to run solid businesses. We are growing in love, taking solo trips, laughing until it hurts, raising babies and ideas, drinking our green juice, and praying our peace back into existence.
We are rediscovering the joy of rest and realizing that softness is not weakness, it is strategy.
And through it all, we continue to lift one another. Emma Grede is creating seats at the table. Valeisha Butterfield has started a fund for jobless Black women. Arian Simone is leading in media with fearless conviction. We are pouring into each other in ways the world rarely sees but always feels.
So yes, we are in the midst of societal warfare. Yes, we are being tested. Yes, we are facing economic strain, political targeting, and public scrutiny. But even war cannot dim a light that is divinely ours.
And we are still shining.
And we are still softening.
And we are still creating.
And we are still It.
That is the quiet magic of Black womanhood, our ability to hold both truth and triumph in the same breath, to say yes, and to life’s contradictions.
It is no coincidence that this year, as SheaMoisture embraces the message “Yes, And,” they stand beside us as partners in celebrating this class of It Girls. Because that phrase, those two simple words, capture the very essence of this moment.
Yes, we are tired. And we are still rising.
Yes, we are questioned. And we are the answer.
Yes, we are bruised. And we are still beautiful.
This year’s It Girl 100 is more than a list. It is a love letter to every Black woman who dares to live out loud in a world that would rather she whisper. This year’s class is living proof of “Yes, And,” women who are finding ways to thrive and to heal, to build and to rest, to lead and to love, all at once.
It is proof that our joy is not naive, our success not accidental. It is the reminder that our light has never needed permission.
So without further ado, we celebrate the It Girl 100 Class of 2025–2026.
We celebrate the millions of us who keep doing it with grace, grit, and glory.
Because despite it all, we still shine.
Because we are still her.
Because we are still IT, girl.
Meet all 100 women shaping culture in the It Girl 100 Class of 2025. View the complete list of honorees here.
Featured image by xoStaff
"They asked for body products and we wanted to make sure we listened. But also layering fragrance begins with the body routine." The body wash is $33, and the body lotion is $35. Keep reading below to hear more about Tabitha and Chance's new collection, their body rituals, and what makes their partnership successful.
Fridays with Tab and Chance body collection
Marcus Owens
xoNecole: How did you come up with the scents for the collection?
Tabitha Brown: We love warm scents that make you feel sexy and loved. [We’re] both fans of gourmand [scents], including bergamot, vanilla, tonka and chocolate.
xoN: If you could describe your working relationship in one word, what would it be and why?
Tabitha: It's our first time building a product line together and our first time working with fragrance. So having patience with the process and each other has been the best way to build.
xoN: What is your body care ritual?
Tabitha: Exfoliate with a scrub a few times a week, but using a moisturizing body wash daily. After a shower, I spray a body mist that compliments what scent I am choosing for the day. Most times vanilla mist wins because it’s a perfect base for layering. I then hydrate [my] skin with lotion. Then, once dressed, I layer my favorite fragrance, Her Business, first and then His Business on top.
Chance: [I’m] way more simple. Just body wash and lotion and then my cologne and I’m good to go.
xoN: We enjoy watching you two together online, whose idea was it to start 'Fridays with Tab & Chance'?
Tabitha: It actually happened by accident. Back in 2018, my fans had just been asking about how we met, so we did a video answering questions one Friday and people in the comments [asked], will y’all do it again next Friday? And so we did and the next thing you know Fridays with Tab & Chance was born.
xoN: In what other ways do you plan to expand Fridays? Restart the podcast? TV show?
Tabitha: We are working on a lifestyle content show vs the traditional Fridays podcast. More to come soon.
xoN: You do many things together, but what would you say is your favorite quality time activity and why?
Tabitha: We are really simple. We love watching movies or TV series together on the couch or in bed. It’s really one of our favorite things to do together.
xoN: What is your favorite thing about the other person?
Tabitha: I love that he makes me feel safe and how hard he works to be an amazing father.
Chance: I love that she is crazy enough to pursue her wildest dreams.
xoN: What is the key to a successful partnership in business and personal?
Tabitha: The key is knowing that you both are going to change, and giving each other grace, patience, and understanding during those changes.
See more on tabandchance.com.
Feature image Marcus Owens