

These Sleep Hacks Will Make Getting A Good Night’s Rest So Much Easier
Sleep can be such a fickle thing. Even though most of us know that 6-8 hours of sleep is what we need in order to function properly throughout the day—if it's not our schedules, it's stress. If it's not stress, it's hormonal shifts. If it's not hormonal shifts, it's feeling uncomfortable. If it's not feeling uncomfortable, it's being restless. Lawd. In many ways, getting a better night of sleep, consistently so, is a bit like walking a tightrope…although it doesn't have to be.
If something that you would like, more than ever right about now, is to get more peaceful zzz's in, you might be in luck. If there is one thing that I'm gonna do, pretty much on a regular basis, it's get some good sleep in. And if you're looking to learn how to get better sleep, the 15 hacks below have all played a role in making that happen.
1. Get the Right Pillows
I've got a friend who once said something so funny to me when it comes to his approach to disciplining children. He said, "Why spank them when you can just take their pillows away? Ever slept without one before? It's hell." Me? I'm the kind of person who probably has too many pillows on my bed, so I can only imagine what putting my head directly on a mattress, all night long, would feel like. I do know a bad pillow is filled with tossing and turning episodes. So yeah, I'm gonna lead this article with the recommendation to get the right kind of pillows to sleep on.
First, ponder if you are a back, side or stomach sleeper (stomach sleeping isn't good for you, by the way. It does reduce snoring; however, it also puts more strain on your neck and back). You can check out a list of some of the best pillows for your favorite positions here.
Also, make sure you know when it's time to replace the pillows that you've already got. What are some telling signs? If you've had them for more than a couple of years; if you experience neck pain in the morning; if when you fold them over, they don't return to their original shape, and/or you wake up feeling like you're having an allergy attack (this usually means you're taking in dust mites), it's time to move on and get some that are brand spanking new.
2. Get a Cooling Mattress Pad While You’re at It Too
I don't know about y'all, but I HATE sleeping when I'm hot. That's why I'm all about sleeping naked and I'm thrilled about having a cooling mattress pad. See, even if you fall asleep feeling pretty comfortable, it's not uncommon to wake up in the middle of the night feeling either really hot or even sweating some. This happens because our body tends to change temperatures throughout the nighttime hours. Something that can help to prevent this from becoming a problem is putting a cooling mattress pad on your bed. Another benefit with this kind of pad is it can extend the lifespan of your mattress (you should cop a new mattress every 6-8 years, by the way). If you don't already own one and you'd like to look into making this particular investment, you can check out the pros and cons of some pretty popular brands here.
3. Put Yourself on a Sleep Schedule
Isn't it crazy that most of us have our kids on a sleep schedule so that they can get a good night's rest and yet, when it comes to us, we don't follow suit? A sleep schedule is important, not just because it can ensure that you receive the 6-8 hours, every night, that your body needs, it also helps to "train your mind" to fall asleep (and wake up) at a particular time.
This isn't just my opinion either; science strongly backs this up. So, if you're someone who goes to bed at midnight sometimes, 10 p.m. sometimes or when you're super exhausted, at 8, and you're wondering why you are always tired or dragging, try setting a firm time for a couple of weeks and see if that helps you out. I'd be shocked if it doesn't. By the way, you can test out some cool sleep tracking apps here.
4. Eat Light at Night
Something that I have a bad habit of is eating too heavy or much at night. Because I spend a lot of time writing, sometimes the day gets away from me and I actually have dinner at 8 or 9 when it should be more like 6 or 7 and definitely a meal that's on a lighter side than steak and a salad. The reason why going lighter is better is because, when you go to bed on a full stomach, your body has to work that much harder to digest your food which can disrupt your sleep patterns.
Matter of fact, some scientific research says that going with a big breakfast and lunch and having something super light for dinner is really your best bet (especially if you want to burn fat in the process). You're grown. You're gonna do what you wanna do. Still, if dinner is your biggest meal of the day, maybe go with it being breakfast or lunch instead and see if that changes anything. For the better.
5. Nix All Coffee and Alcohol at Night Too
I'm thinking that it makes pretty clear sense why you should leave java (and all forms of caffeine) alone in the evening. Since caffeine is a stimulant, it's the last thing that you need when you're trying to catch some zzz's. Matter of fact, it's actually recommended that your last cup should be somewhere around 2 p.m. As far as alcohol goes, while a nice glass of wine may feel soothing initially, there's a clear reason why it's pretty problematic. Alcohol has a way of interrupting REM sleep (REM stands for Rapid Eye Movement and it's one of the five stages of sleep that your body goes through) which can lead to all sorts of sleep disruptions. This is why folks who drink at night oftentimes think that they are battling insomnia when really, the alcohol is what's doing them in.
6. Sip on Some Decaf Green Tea (Two Hours Before)
So, what should you consume in place of coffee or alcohol? Green tea is a cool option. The catechins (antioxidants) in it contain strong medicinal/healing properties. The amino acid theanine that's also in it will reduce stress and promote a good night's rest. Just make sure that you go with the kind that is decaf (for obvious reasons) and that you have your final cup about two hours before turning in. Otherwise, all of that drinking could have you getting up in the middle of the night—and if you're anything like me, that could make it hard to fall back asleep (which totally sucks).
7. Rub the Soles of Your Feet with CBD or Lavender Oil
Let me tell you what has totally changed my life for the better when it comes to sleep quality—rubbing CBD oil or lavender essential oil onto the soles of my feet. CBD oil is bomb because there's scientific evidence to support that it decreases anxiety, reduces stress levels and is even good for pain management. Lavender oil? Because it contains anti-inflammatory and analgesic properties, it's great when it comes to soothing sore or aching feet. Plus, it's got a calming scent and sensation that is pretty incomparable.
What I typically do is mix one of these oils with a carrier oil like sweet almond or grapeseed and rub my feet down for about 10 minutes before turning in. The reason why I prefer my feet is because oils absorb faster on that part of the body. Plus, since feet have 72,000 nerve endings, it's able to reach a ton of different cells, all throughout my system. Yours too. How dope is that?
Getty Images
8. Have a Banana
If you're someone who's just gotta have a snack before turning in, how about a banana? Not only is it the kind of fruit that contains a good amount of tryptophan (more on that in a sec), it's also a good source of potassium and magnesium. Potassium aids in sleep because it helps your nerves and muscles to get on the same page so that you're better able to relax. Magnesium is awesome because it helps to regulate your body's stress-response system. Not only that but studies show that people who have some sort of a magnesium deficiency typically experience higher amounts of stress and anxiety. So, the more you've got, the calmer you'll be.
9. Or Snack on Some Other Forms of Tryptophan
If you've ever wondered exactly what tryptophan is and why it tends to make you so sleepy, the brief breakdown is it's the kind of amino acid that goes from the digestive system to your brain and then turns into a chemical known as serotonin which aids in making you sleepy so that you can rest. That's why, another hack that you might want to try, is snacking on some foods that are high in tryptophan (or eating a light dinner with foods that contain it). Some of those include milk, cheese, nuts, oats, chicken, turkey, canned tuna, seeds, soy and eggs.
10. Turn Down Your Thermostat
Once you're ready to shut your house down for the rest of the night, make it a point to turn down your thermostat. As far as what the temperature should be, I've read everything from 62 to 68 degrees, so somewhere around there. Since it's cooler at night outdoors, this should actually cut your energy costs down. And, it's another way to keep your body from overheating before sunrise.
11. Do Some Yoga
Since yoga is a meditative form of exercise, it should come as no surprise that it's a pretty great sleep hack. In fact, quite a few yoga practitioners vouch for the fact that it can help you to sleep and definitely can decrease your stress levels. The deep breathing can relax you. The mindfulness can increase your melatonin (a natural hormone that helps you to rest) levels. And exercise is always great at providing more intense rest. So, if yoga is something that you've been considering but still haven't tried, this is just one more reason to follow through on your plans.
12. Write Your To-Do Lists an Hour Before Turning In
Isn't it interesting that when it comes to learning how to live in the moment, a lot of us don't take this pearl of wisdom into account when it comes to resting? Going to bed worrying about what is going to happen the next day is going to do us a bit of good when it comes to getting a good night's rest.
Besides, when you're well rested, you are far more equipped to handle what is to come anyway. That's why it's always a good idea to write down your to-do list—in order of importance—no less than a couple of hours before going to sleep. It's an exercise that says, "I'm done for today. I'll tackle tomorrow…tomorrow."
It really can shout your overthinking down, so that you can relax so much easier.
Getty Images
13. Also, Write Down Five Things from the Day That You’re Thankful For
Another writing exercise that can be really beneficial is to take out 10 minutes or so to jot down five things, from each day, that you're thankful for. Believe it or not, expressing feelings of gratitude is an effective way to release toxins in your system, lower your cortisol (stress) levels and relax your muscles and nervous system. Plus, it helps you to keep things in perspective; especially on what felt like a really bad day.
14. Put in Some Ear Plugs
I'm someone who either prefers total silence or the ASMR sounds of rain. If you can relate, you might want to get yourself some ear plugs. Oftentimes, even though we're asleep, our brain is still catching all of the sounds around us which can actually prevent us from sleeping as soundly as we like or even need. And so, ear plugs are what can get us as close to silence as possible. That said, the main red flags are 1) if you're a single parent (especially with a young child), this probably isn't the wisest hack and/or 2) you've got to clean your ear plugs on a regular basis. Otherwise, the wax build-up could cause a hell of an ear infection. Anyway, some of the best earplugs for sleeping can be found here.
15. Unplug an Hour Before
One more. A couple of years ago, I wrote the article, "8 Solid Reasons To Put. Your Phone. Down." for the site. When you get a chance, check it out, because there are many reasons why surfing the 'net on your phone or laptop right before turning in will totally wreck your sleep patterns. For starters, the blue light on your screens inhibits the production of melatonin which makes it harder for your body to relax. Whatever is on your electronic devices, they will be right there, waiting on you, come morning.
Make it a practice to sign off at least an hour before bedtime. Write your gratitude list. Catch up on a chapter of a book. Deep breathe and chill. Your brain has been looking at screens all day long. In order to get some rest, turn those suckers…off.
Join our xoTribe, an exclusive community dedicated to YOU and your stories and all things xoNecole. Be a part of a growing community of women from all over the world who come together to uplift, inspire, and inform each other on all things related to the glow up.
Featured image by Getty Images
After being a regular contributor for about four years and being (eh hem) MIA in 2022, Shellie is back penning for the platform (did you miss her? LOL).
In some ways, nothing has changed and in others, everything has. For now, she'll just say that she's working on the 20th anniversary edition of her first book, she's in school to take life coaching to another level and she's putting together a platform that supports and encourages Black men because she loves them from head to toe.
Other than that, she still works with couples, she's still a doula, she's still not on social media and her email contact (missnosipho@gmail.com) still hasn't changed (neither has her request to contact her ONLY for personal reasons; pitch to the platform if you have story ideas).
Life is a funny thing but if you stay calm, moments can come full circle and this is one of them. No doubt about it.
Three Influencers Show Off Their 2022 Holiday Hair Looks Using Their SheaMoisture Faves
This post is in partnership with SheaMoisture.
For Black women, there’s one compliment that will boost our confidence like none other: “Come through hair!” You know the vibe! Walking into a room with folks acknowledging that your hair is laid for the gawds, and the effort that it took to get it there, is a top five feeling. And with the holiday season just weeks away, you’ll be hearing that quite often. Between Thanksgiving gatherings with the family, Friendsgiving, company parties, and Christmas get-togethers, the opportunities to let your hair show up and show out aren’t too far away.
Apart from the holiday stuntin’, the end-of-year slow down is also the perfect opportunity to reevaluate the year your hair has had. Whether you kept it cute with protective braids, went big with blowouts, or let loose with textured twist-outs, this is the perfect time to give your hair the gift of TLC - tender lovin’ curls. Like the weather, our hair goes through seasons and has different needs depending on what we’ve put it through. Perhaps the transition into fall/winter has left your curls a bit parched and in need of some serious hydration. Or maybe your strands could use some restorative conditioning after taking it down from a convenient protective style. No matter what category you fall into, SheaMoisture has hundreds of ways that you can clean, treat and refresh your hair for a healthy shine that will bring you into the new year right. Bring your curls back to life with the nourishing and fragrant Coconut & Hibiscus line. Boosted with natural ingredients such as coconut oil, neem oil, carrot oil, and shea butter, this line is the antidote to reviving thirsty, dehydrated hair. Even better - with SheaMoisture’s custom quiz, you can get a hair analysis that will lead you to the right products for your hair needs. Say hello to sleek edges, and moisturized, stronger strands.
In need of a little hair-spiration? We got you covered! xoNecole and SheaMoisture have teamed up with three natural hair influencers to debut their holiday hair looks. Meet Ambrosia Malbrough, Jasmin Moses, and Daye Covington - beauty bawses who’ve created some incredible holiday looks that are stylish and easy to achieve. They also gave us the scoop on the SheaMoisture products they’re loving right now, as well as their 2023 hair goals.
Read on for more:
Daye Covington Kicks Her Twist Out Up A Notch With A Voluminous Updo
“I wanted to create a style that was super cute but also easy to pull together, so I went with a puff and tendril combo! It's a style that can be done on freshly washed curls or one that can be done on old hair. [It’s perfect for] when we're short for time but want to add a little razzle-dazzle to our hair before a special occasion. It's very versatile!”
“I would love to dye my hair back to blue! It was my favorite hair color, but unfortunately, my 9-5 now prohibits unnatural hair colors. I'm pushing it with this dark plum color, but I look forward to the day where I can transition into a new stage of life and go back to blue. In the meantime, I'm focusing on length retention. I've been doing well for 2022 and have had no major cuts so I'm hoping to stay consistent with my routine in 2023.”
Follow Daye on Instagram @dayelasoul
Ambrosia Malbrough Made Magic With Poppin’ And Defined Finger Coils
“[Finger coils] is a style that I don’t do often, it takes much more time than my usual wash and go. But that extra time put in makes it extra special and so worth it. The results are beautiful. It’s a style that offers many days of wear, too!”
“[Earlier this year] I did my 4th big chop. This time around hit different as a mom of two. I don’t always have the extra time on my hands to put into my hair, so the short ‘do has been convenient. I’ve realized that not all wash days are created equal even if I use the same products. However, my 4c coils are loving the products I'm using now”
“Since I’ve been having my hair dyed, I’m looking forward to trying Shea Moisture’s new Mongongo and Jojoba Oils High Porosity Moisture Replenish Hair Masque. I am currently growing my hair out and plan on having fun with more highlights and a new shape - possibly a shag cut in 2023!”
Follow Ambrosia on Instagram at @brosiaaa
Jasmin Moses Shows The Secrets To Her Jaw-Dropping Curly Ponytail
“I love doing a sleek ponytail with my baby hairs laid to a T! It helps so my hair isn't in the way when I am cooking and running errands, but it's still snatched to provoke anyone in the room to stop me to say 'girllll your hair is laid!'. I like to add a little razzle dazzle by adding my cute, naturally curly ponytail extensions. It elevates the look perfectly for the holidays.”
“It took me from my freshman year of college to now, almost seven whole years, to know what works for my hair. I love protective styles like wigs and braids because my hair thrives when I don't mess with it. When I leave my hair alone, it grows the best, so I love taking off my wig when I get home, oiling my scalp and putting my bonnet on for bed! When I do wear my natural hair out, what helps me maintain the health of my hair is to get in a rhythm with my hair. [I do] my wash days on Sunday, wear it in a wash n’ go all week, and repeat the next Sunday.”
“My 2023 hair goal is to get back to my 2021 hair length! Recently, a hairstyle damaged my hair causing me to lose 4 inches in length, which was not fun. So I’m working on getting [my hair] back to its original health and keep growing from there! I am also looking forward to trying the Shea Moisture Curl Enhancing Smoothie as a one-product wash n’ go! I hear such great things about it and I think it will give me hold while also keeping my hair lightweight and voluminous. I’m also excited about the Coconut & Hibiscus Defining Styling Gel and Edge Gel.”
Follow Jasmin on Instagram @slimreshae
While recently talking to a couple of early 30-something never-been-married-before women about how much they want to settle down, and yet, at the same time, they’ve gotten to the point where they almost loathe the thought of dating, I got inspired to write this article.
Now before getting into some tips that I’m hoping will help a few folks out, let me first say that I think it doesn’t really matter if someone is 24 or 54, is a single mom or has no kids, is an extrovert, introvert or ambivert, wants to get married someday or is simply looking for companionship (check out “Single-Minded: So, What If You Like Dating But DON’T Desire Marriage?”) — dating definitely can be a bit of a challenge right through here.
In my opinion, some of it is because we’re still dealing with the aftershocks of the pandemic. Another reason is that things have become so damn transactional these days that I’m not sure if folks even get what the purpose of dating is anymore (mostly, it’s to get to know individuals better so that you can determine who is your right fit). Still, another reason is that when we do step out into the dating waters (that are sometimes raging), some of us are already a bit jaded due to our past experiences, our friends’ stories, and/or those (oftentimes) horrible tales that we hear on TikTok.
Let’s simplify it all a bit, shall we? Although online dating and long-distance relationships are continuing to thrive in their own way, the reality is that if you want to establish a solid connection with someone, chances are, you’re going to need to participate in some old-school dating on some level. So, in order to increase your chances of those encounters being truly successful for you, here are some things that I advise you to do along the way.
Be Clear About Why You’re Dating in the First Place — and Communicate It

A woman recently told me that what’s pissing her off (her exact words) about the dating scene is, while she’s personally looking for her future husband when it comes to the kinds of men that she keeps running into, although they’ve wanted more than just a casual sex partner, marriage wasn’t on the menu. Not even a lil’ bit.
Yeah, one day, we’ll get into why more and more men are shying away from marriage — quite possibly more than ever before. For now, I’ll just say that if a person feels like they are meeting the needs of their partner while they’re also being told that theirs aren’t important, only for their partner to initiate divorce (over 70 percent of women do) and then take half of their earnings…I mean, I get why many guys are hard passing on the notion.
Anyway, because the men she was going out with didn’t want what she did, she’s been finding it discouraging to continue her dating journey. As she was talking to me about all of this, I asked her how long she would wait to bring her ultimate goals up.
Her: “I mean, I don’t want to scare men off, so I don’t really mention it at all.”
Yeah, that’s not good. Even though I get where she’s coming from, if you want to date in order to find your potential mate, you should never assume that the people you’re seeing automatically know that because not everyone is dating for the same purpose and reasons.
So, when should it come up? Not the first date because that’s basically a meet-and-greet to see if there’s anything “there” at all. However, if the second date goes well, it’s okay to say that your motive for dating is to ultimately find your life partner; that you’re not moving in fear or impatience, but you don’t see the point in dating indefinitely either. If a guy is on the same page, he’ll be fine with that.
If he’s not, he won’t — but at least you’ll both know where each other stands which can spare you from finding out that he was cool being with you but never wanted you to become his wife…three years down the pike.
Value Your Time

When it comes to valuing time, some of my favorite quotes include "Trouble is, you think you have time" (Jack Kornfield); "Time and effort can get you anything you want in the world. But nothing in the world can get you more time" (Matt Fox); "Until you value yourself, you won't value your time. Until you value your time, you will not do anything with it" (M. Scott Peck); "The one that values his time can value the time of others as well" (Sunday Adelaja); and "Time is the wisest counsellor of all" (Pericles).
Keeping all of these in mind, another benefit of knowing why you do what you do is that it can help you to value your time better. For instance, I have no interest in dating someone who has young children. This means that it doesn't matter how fine or funny a man is, if I meet you and that is what you have going on, why would I waste your time or mine by continuing to date you?
I can't tell you how many single people have come to me all distraught because they ignored their own preferences, got emotionally caught up, and now they are trying to figure out if they should totally ignore the very things that they said they did — or didn't — want in the first place.
Bottom line, please value your time and feelings enough to know what are non-negotiables and then not go further with people who fall into those categories. It's not a selfish act. When it comes to valuing another person's time, too, it's actually a really thoughtful one.
Learn a Few Current Dating Trends

At the end of the day, trends are simply something that's popular at any given time. As far as dating goes, knowing some current dating trends can prove to be beneficial because it can 1) provide some insight on how to potentially approach dating at any given time and/or 2) help you to detect some things that might be going on with someone while you're on your say, first, second or third date with them.
That said, some trends that are, well, trending this year include open casting and infla-dating.
As far as open casting goes, the best way to describe it is it's all about stepping out of your "type" (check out "According To Experts, We All Have A 'Type'") and instead being willing to date individuals who may not look or even act the way that you're accustomed to. Now for the record, this doesn't mean that you should compromise your standards, deal-breakers, or boundaries in any way. It's more about not being so rigid in wanting a guy who is 6'2" and chocolate that you're not willing to even consider 5'10" and caramel. Because the reality is that a good man (if that's truly what you are after) may not look exactly like you prefer, yet if he's truly right for you, making that kind of compromise really won't matter much at the end of the day. Trust me.
Another dating trend is known as infla-dating. Can you guess what it's all about? Basically, it's the kind of dating that takes into account the fact that a lot of us just don't have the coins that we used to. For instance, I live in Music City, and an article came out recently that said you basically have to work somewhere around 60 hours a week in order to afford the ever-skyrocketing rink of this place. SMDH. I wish I could say that Nashville is the exception, but it's not. So now folks are finding more creative ways to date so that they don't have to tap into their rent money or their savings account in order to do it.
And for the record, that kind of approach isn't being "cheap." It's being wise. Shoot, I know a lot of couples who are on the brink of calling it quits as we speak because one or both of them aren't financially savvy. So yeah, dating people who can think outside of the box and still create some awesome dating memories while also being able to handle their financial responsibilities and obligations in the process? That reveals a thoughtful individual who is good at adulting too. If that ain't a solid potential long-term partner candidate, I don't know who is.
Keep the First Date Brief

Listen, I'm a woman, and even I don't get all of this $200 first-date nonsense. If I was a guy, I would see that as a peak hustle, too, because there is no reason why a man who barely knows someone should be shelling out that kind of cash right out the gate. Know what else? There's no reason why a woman who values herself should want to automatically give someone the privilege of 2-3 hours of her time initially, either.
Honestly, unless you already know the person you're going on a first date with (for instance, a friendship is transitioning into something more or you've been talking to someone online or on the phone for a while and you're planning on meeting up for the first time), a first date needs to be light and not expected to go over more than an hour or so. Why? Because all that you're initially doing is trying to see if there is some chemistry and even a mutual interest to take things further — and you don't need more than a meet-up at a coffee shop or a bar for a glass or two of wine to do that.
If your immediate response is, "that's frugal AF," — I mean, if all your motive was is to get an expensive meal or reenact something you saw on some dating show on television…maybe. Yet, if you genuinely want to maximize your precious moments (not to mention energy and effort), a brief and semi-casual first date is the way to go. Besides, if there does happen to be a mutual spark, it's not like the two of you can't book a second date…hell, the next day if you want to.
Ask. Don’t Interrogate.
@lexaftercancer Reply to @jwillis808 Here’s my list! #datingtips #listofthings #dating #datingadvice
Listen, this woman said that she has a fiancé, so clearly, this method worked for her. THAT SAID, although I am a big fan of people knowing what they desire in a partner, I will say that if you plan on also coming up with an Old Testament scroll of characteristics and qualities, just make sure to keep in mind that sometimes what you want may not be exactly what you need — which is why it's a good idea to be flexible on some things. Also, the goal is not to find the perfect person but someone who is a great complement to your life (check out "If He's Right For You, He Will COMPLEMENT Your Life").
That’s why it’s also a good idea to not treat your dates like they are an interrogation. While it’s cool to touch on points that are of great importance to you, no one wants to feel like they are being bogged down with tons of inquiries.
So, how do you avoid wearing someone out on a date? Per date, think about 3-5 things that are a priority to you and ask about those. For instance, if you've had a pattern in the past of doing most of the work in your relationships, ask him about how he values reciprocity in a relationship. Or if spirituality is of the utmost importance, ask him what his spiritual practice is and how long it's been that way.
The reason why I provided these as examples is because…did you notice how they were worded in a way that still gets the results that you're looking for without someone feeling like they are being put on the spot?
I'm gonna be real, some folks end up self-sabotaging their dates, and it's because they come all anxious and hurried. You can't get to know everything that you need to know in two hours. Ask some questions, sure, yet also enjoy just learning someone's vibe too because it also reveals…quite a bit.
Expect Them to Have Expectations Too

On the heels of what I just said, it never ceases to amaze me how some people think that they can have a book of what they want in a person and then act shocked when someone comes with their own comprised list. It’s almost like the “book person” is on some “You need to be everything that I expect and more, but you shouldn’t expect anything more than me showing up because I am enough automatically.” Yeah, I’m pretty sure you can hear all of the ego that is just oozing out of that sentence, not to mention how unfair and even unrealistic that way of thinking is.
So, if you’re someone who thinks that you “are the table” (insert eye rolls here) and so there should be no questions asked of you — I already see why dating hasn’t been working in your favor.
Just like you want to see how a man can add to your life, men want to know the same thing. Going on the defensive only causes them to build up walls. In other words, prepare to be a lot of what you expect. If that’s a challenge for you…maybe shorten that list — or at least don’t articulate as much of it — up.
Emotionally Pace Yourself

What happens if, after the first date, the guy checks off all of your (initial) boxes, and you’re ready to call your mama and tell her that you think that he’s the one? Yeah, PLEASE DON’T. While it’s cool to be excited about someone, if you don’t emotionally pace yourself, the elation can have you coming off as rushing things or even being too pushy if you’re not careful.
How? Well, if you really do think that he’s a great match for you, you could start emotionally processing him that way which could cause you to have expectations that are premature: “You think I’m awesome, and I think you’re awesome, so why haven’t you texted me this morning?” or “You said that you want to do this again, so why has it been four days and you haven’t booked another date yet?” GOODNESS.
I once read a study that said that when it comes to cultivating a true friendship, it takes 40-60 hours to create a casual friendship, 80-100 hours to become an actual friend, and 200-plus hours to become good friends. And that’s friendship, so why would you expect a relationship to miraculously unfold after three dinner dates?
Almost any emotionally healthy person is going to gravitate to an atmosphere of calm and serenity. So, while it’s okay to express that you’re looking forward to where this could go, as Benjamin Franklin so poignantly once said, “If passion drives you, let reason hold the reins.” In other words, try not to allow your feelings to override the reality that everything has a time and purpose, and, as a wise person once said, “Time prevents everything from happening all at once.” In other other words, pulling on flower petals, trying to get them to hurry up and bloom, only ruins the flower.
Date. Mindfully.

Listen, if you don’t get anything else out of this article, please get how important it is to date from a place of mindfulness. And just what does that mean exactly? A simple explanation is when you are being mindful, you’re intentional about remaining in the moment. You’re not caught up in the past or consumed with the future.
When it comes to dating, in particular, mindfulness can be super beneficial because you’re not focused on comparing the current person with the people you’ve dated before, and you’re also not causing unnecessary anxiety and/or stress and/or drama by applying pressure on yourself or the person you’re getting to know by being obsessed with the possibilities of the future.
If you’d like to be more mindful in theory but you’re not exactly sure how to put it into practice, there are mindfulness principles that we all can stand to put into practice more often:
Reality. Reality is about what is rooted in truth and facts, not what you want or wish something to be. You can sho ‘nuff spare yourself some drama and trauma if you are someone who lives in reality while you’re dating instead of some rom-com or fairy tale that you’ve conjured up in your mind.
Accept. How would you feel if someone tried to change you? Exactly. Some people have a really bad habit of trying to “tweak folks” so that they can “make them fit” into their dating/relationship/marriage narrative. Avoid this, please. Accept people for who they are. If you can get wit it, awesome. If not, maybe they are just meant to be a friend — and that can be a blessing too.
Relax. To relax is to be less rigid, which speaks to being more flexible. When it comes to dating, this can help because if you’re willing to just let things reveal themselves as they come, that can help you to avoid overthinking or putting more stress on yourself than you should.
No one said that dating was easy. Still, if you’re a bit easier on yourself and the people you choose to go out with, each date can be an opportunity, a lesson, or a win. And all of these can be beneficial — if you choose to date smart instead of, well, hard.
Let’s make things inbox official! Sign up for the xoNecole newsletter for daily love, wellness, career, and exclusive content delivered straight to your inbox.
Featured image by Westend81/Getty Images