Definitely one of my favorite writers is the famed poet Rumi, and one of my favorite things that he has ever said is, “What you seek is seeking you.” To me, it complements another quote by the best-selling author Paulo Coelho extremely well: “And, when you want something, all the universe conspires in helping you to achieve it.” Okay, but what happens if what you are thinking that you might want has something to do with a close guy friend of yours? Even deeper, what if you’re not exactly sure that what you are feeling is fleeting or lasting?
Last fall, I penned an article for the platform entitled, “Should You Start Off As Friends? Science Says Absolutely.” — and honestly, it emphasizes the fact that there is enough data out here to support that the best relationships have a foundation of friendship in them. And that is why, I’m the kind of person who thinks that if you think you might have more-than-just-a-friend feelings for a guy in your life, rather than ignore what’s going on, you should face it.
How? We’re about to tackle that very point, as thoroughly as possible, right now.
Questions To Ask Yourself Before Making A Move
First: Were Things EVER Actually “Platonic”?
GiphyListen, if anyone has a wealth of male friends, I do. And that’s why I will forever-and-a-day push back on anyone who says that men and women can’t be just friends. LIES YOU TELL. Not only is it possible, I highly recommend it, because the opposite sex can provide insights and perspectives on things in a way that your own gender simply can’t.
Now, can a ton of men and women be strictly platonic friends? Yeah, well, that’s a bit of a different story. The reason why I say that is because, just like folks oftentimes use the word “monogamous” when they actually should be saying “exclusive” (check out “Why I Use The Word 'Monogamous' In Marriage And 'Exclusive' In Dating”), the same thing goes for calling every relationship that isn’t romantic “platonic.”
Platonic literally means “being, relating to, or involving the kind of love that characterizes a friendship; free of sexual desire or romantic overtones” and what this means is, if you are truly in a platonic friendship with someone, neither one of you is sexually attracted to each other on any level — and well, like a male friend of mine once said when I told him that I described us as being “brother and sister” to some people…“Shellie, you are like my sister but you aren’t. Given the circumstances, you could still get it.” (Chile.)
YES, he said that and ALSO, we have been friends for almost 20 years without so much as a kiss being exchanged between us. Do I think that he finds me sexually appealing? Sure. Me? I’ll put it this way: I get why other women do (personally, I find him to be more beautiful than sexy). And yet, what we value in one another is so much stuff beyond the physical and/or sexual. And this example alone is why, while I don’t think that most friendships between men and women are purely platonic in the sense that neither person has some level of sexual attraction or interest in the other (check out “Here's Why Very Few Relationships Can Actually Be 'Platonic'”), I absolutely believe that men and women can put that aside and be friends, without benefits, anyway.
That said, though, as you’re in the middle of processing whether or not you have more-than-friends feelings for a guy friend of your own, it would benefit you to ask yourself if the two of you are truly and genuinely platonic or not — because if you are platonic, the emotions that you are experiencing could be more about admiration or appreciation instead of actual relational interest. On the other hand, if you do have a bit of an interest or curiosity beyond what the two of you currently share, there could be some seeds that you — or you both — have been suppressing that need to be addressed…perhaps even explored.
Which brings me to my next point…
Next: Know the Difference Between Attractive Qualities and Being Attracted to Someone
GiphySomething that I find to be extremely appealing in a man is charisma. A guy who is confident, calm and very self-aware? Whew, chile. And don’t let him have an east coast edge to him (my mother was a New Yorker, so…it’s in the genes). One of my close guy friends totally fits this bill and it’s a part of the reason why I enjoy being in his presence. And because we like hanging out together and our friendship has a sense of ease to it, folks like to speculate about if we have “more” going on. We absolutely do not.
See, although he does charisma better than most — and it gets him pretty damn far with the ladies — there is not one ounce of me who sees him in a romantic or sexual kind of way. If anything, I see his charisma as something to put on my wish list for a man…and not much more than that.
And why am I sharing this lil’ story with you? Well, while you’re in the process of figuring out if your guy friend are or aren’t platonic, you should also ask yourself if what you are drawn to about him is attractive overall or it is causing you to be literally attracted to him as an individual. How can you know the difference? Well, aside from what I said about my charismatic guy friend, if you are attracted to someone, there is going to be physical and sexual interest. See, while I enjoy talking to my friend for hours on end, the thought of actually sleeping with him? Ugh. This means that I find some traits attractive but there is no attraction to him.
See the difference?
Don’t Put the “Cart” Before the Horse
GiphyI honestly can’t believe that it’s been seven years since I wrote “14 Lessons I've Learned From 14 Sex Partners” for the platform. If you haven’t read it (yet), one thing that was a constant thread for me is the fact that I had sex with my friends — and so clearly, they weren’t platonic situations (well, except for one of my boyfriends; that’s another message for another time).
See, the pattern with those guys was, since I don’t typically have sex quickly (there were some exceptions like my first love; it only took a few weeks for us to "engage" although it seemed like forever at the time), they would get tired of waiting which would cause us to cultivate a friendship in the meantime. Problem was, since there was a mutual sexual interest, once an emotional connection was made, sometimes that would ignite the suppressed lust and BOOM! Then we would be in unnecessarily complicated situations all because, although the emotional and sexual intimacy were real, we never discussed what to do about it should we cross the line before actually doing so — and that resulted in matters becoming confusing, draining, stress-filled or even messy. SMDH.
And that is why, I really hope that you hear me when I say that you should ABSOLUTELY NOT sleep with your friend before knowing for sure what your feelings are and what you desire to come from them. Because although sex doesn’t always turn matters into a Lifetime or Tubi movie, what it will always do is change things…one way or another. And once you have sex, it can’t be undone.
Yeah, one more time for the backseats and the hard-headed: Take it from someone who learned the hard way, PLEASE DO NOT THINK THAT SEX WILL CLEAR THINGS UP FOR YOU WHEN YOU’RE LOOKING FOR CLARITY ABOUT WHAT TO DO ABOUT HAVING POTENTIAL FEELINGS FOR A GUY FRIEND. More times than not, it will either leave a residue that you can’t easily clear up or it will have you seeing things through rose-colored glasses — and that could result in delusional thinking or heartbreak.
Because a lot of people can sleep with you and still never want to be with you. Don’t test that theory out. Just take my word on it, okay?
How To Talk About It Without Ruining The Friendship
If He’s Your Friend, TALK TO HIM ABOUT IT
GiphyCan having feelings (or even potential feelings) for a guy friend be awkward? Sure. I get that. I will say this, though — if he is truly your friend, you should be able to talk to him about pretty much anything. Because remember, the title of this article is what to do if you kinda-sorta have feelings. Meaning, it’s not like you’re planning to profess your undying love or you want to marry him before the holidays roll around.
You simply think that you might feel differently about him than the other men in your friendship circle and you are curious what he thinks about it — because real talk about something else: Sometimes knowing how a guy friend feels about you having (potential) feelings for him will let you know whether to feed into the feelings…or not.
And before some of you say, “Shellie, I would rather ask my girlfriends or even other male friends about what they think instead” — I mean, I hear you; however, they aren’t him and so all they can really do is speculate and, if you’re anything like I am, you want to find resolve over going by mere assumptions as soon as possible…and that comes from going directly to the source.
Again, you don’t have to say anything super deep or over-the-top. The conversation with your friend is basically a low-key fact-finding mission to see if both of you could possibly be on the same page of a different chapter of your journey with each other — or not. A simple, “Have you ever seen us as being more than friends before?” (in person, so that you can pay close attention to his body language) may be all that you need to say in order to get the answers that you truly seek.
Oh, and if you’re wondering if all of this will infect your friendship — it shouldn’t. I’ve had a few male friends who’ve had feelings for me over the years and told me. I’ve also had feelings for one or two of mine in the past as well and I told them about it. Really, at the end of the day, we decided that the friendship meant more than taking the risk of trying something else/more out. Plus, us liking each other was actually a huge compliment more than anything. Why? Because we know each other beyond the surface stuff that comes with typical crushes.
We simply took the interest as a seasonal feeling and moved on. Our friendship meant too much, to the both of us, to let it hinder us from remaining…intact.
And that’s kind of my point about this point — if you think you have feelings for a guy friend and you tell him, if he’s a mature individual, the intimacy within the honesty could end up bringing you closer together (simply because sharing all of who you are in a safe space tends to do that). On the other hand, if it puts distance between the two of you (due to how either of you choose to act afterwards), that could reveal some cracks in the foundation of your friendship that should be addressed anyway (and may have existed all along).
Bottom line, unless it’s something as surface and shallow as a random sex dream or him looking good enough to eat in a tailored suit one time — keeping your feelings to yourself about a real and true friend will typically backfire, one way or another…if not immediately, eventually. And besides, there is nothing to be embarrassed about or ashamed of. If he’s good enough to be your friend, no harm or foul in finding him to be good enough to be more-than-just-a-friend too. Relax. Relate. Release.
____
By the way, the advice that I just gave you? Trust me, it’s based on mere speculation. I’ve given the gist of this intel to clients and some of them have been in long-term relationships with a guy who used to be “just their friend” for a hot minute now.
You know, there is a Scripture in the Bible that says, “…you do not have because you do not ask.” (James 4:2). How are you gonna know how your male friend feels about how you feel if you don’t say anything?
If you want to get out of the kinda-sorta and into “very sure” — communicate.
Knowing where you stand is always a good thing. No matter what.
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Kayla Nicole says she wore a dress that was once worn by Braxton herself for the Halloween costume. “It’s not a secret Toni is more on the petite side. I’m obsessed with all 5’2” of her,” she tells xoNecole via email. “But I’m 5’10'' and not missing any meals, honey, so to my surprise, when I got the dress and it actually fit, I knew it was destiny.”
The episode was the perfect way for the multihyphenate to take control of her own narrative. By addressing the viral moment on her own platform, she was able to stir the conversation and keep the focus on her adoration for Braxton, an artist she says she grew up listening to and who still makes her most-played playlist every year. Elsewhere, she likely would’ve received questions about whether or not the costume was a subliminal aimed at her ex-boyfriend and his pop star fiancée. “I think that people will try to project their own narratives, right?” she said, hinting at this in the episode. “But, for me personally – I think it’s very important to say this in this moment – I’m not in the business of tearing other women down. I’m in the business of celebrating them.”
Kayla Nicole is among xoNecole’s It Girl 100 Class of 2025, powered by SheaMoisture, recognized in the Viral Voices category for her work in media and the trends she sets on our timelines, all while prioritizing her own mental and physical health. As she puts it: “Yes, I’m curating conversations on my podcast The Pre-Game, and cultivating community with my wellness brand Tribe Therepē.”
Despite being the frequent topic of conversation online, Kayla Nicole says she’s learning to take advantage of her growing social media platform without becoming consumed by it. “I refuse to let the internet consume me. It’s supposed to be a resource and tool for connection, so if it becomes anything beyond that I will log out,” she says.
On The Pre-Game, which launched earlier this year, she has positioned herself as listeners “homegirl.” “There’s definitely a delicate dance between being genuine and oversharing, and I’ve had to learn that the hard way. Now I share from a place of reflection, not reaction,” she says. “If it can help someone feel seen or less alone, I’ll talk about it within reason. But I’ve certainly learned to protect parts of my life that I cherish most. I share what serves connection but doesn’t cost me peace.
"I refuse to let the internet consume me. It’s supposed to be a resource and tool for connection, so if it becomes anything beyond that I will log out."
Credit: Malcolm Roberson
Throughout each episode, she sips a cocktail and addresses trending topics (even when they involve herself). It’s a platform the Pepperdine University alumnus has been preparing to have since she graduated with a degree in broadcast journalism, with a concentration in political science.
“I just knew I was going to end up on a local news network at the head anchor table, breaking high speed chases, and tossing it to the weather girl,” she says. Instead, she ended up working as an assistant at TMZ before covering sports as a freelance reporter. (She’s said she didn’t work for ESPN, despite previous reports saying otherwise.) The Pre-Game combines her love for pop culture and sports in a way that once felt inaccessible to her in traditional media.
She’s not just a podcaster, though. When she’s not behind the mic, taking acting classes or making her New York Fashion Week debut, Kayla Nicole is also busy elevating her wellness brand Tribe Therepē, where she shares her workouts and the workout equipment that helps her look chic while staying fit. She says the brand will add apparel to its line up in early 2026.
“Tribe Therepē has evolved into exactly what I have always envisioned. A community of women who care about being fit not just for the aesthetic, but for their mental and emotional well-being too. It’s grounded. It’s feminine. It’s strong,” she says. “And honestly, it's a reflection of where I am in my life right now. I feel so damn good - mentally, emotionally, and physically. And I am grateful to be in a space where I can pour that love and light back into the community that continues to pour into me.”
Tap into the full It Girl 100 Class of 2025 and meet all the women changing game this year and beyond. See the full list here.
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Contentment. By definition, it’s the state of not only being “satisfied with what one is or has” but also “not wanting more or anything else.” And you know what? Although it might not be a popular aspiration of many, it is a sign of spiritual maturity on certain levels. After all, it is the Apostle Paul who once said, “Not that I speak in regard to need, for I have learned in whatever state I am, to be content…” (Philippians 4:19 — NKJV).
Being content is about not complaining. Being content is about learning to be comfortable in your present circumstances. Being content is about choosing to find joy and fulfillment, on some level, and in some way, on a daily basis.
Personally, I dig all of this so much because when you have mastered true inner contentment, it creates stability, self-awareness, and a type of resilience that makes you…shoot, powerful beyond measure, if you ask me. Because when someone knows how to “find the good” and “make peace,” regardless of what is going on around them, they truly are unstoppable. Yeah, on so many levels, contentment is the ultimate life hack. It’s something that each and every one of us should aspire to become: completely and genuinely content.
Thanksgiving is basically moments away at this point. In preparation for that time of self-reflection, pour yourself a glass of wine, turn on some soft music, sit on your coach, and then ask yourself, “Am I content?” If you’re not sure (or you need the definition unpacked for you just a bit more), here are seven signs that you may not be…and yet, there is no time like the present to do something about it.
1. You’re Super Impatient
GiphyHonestly, putting another Scripture right here could be all that is needed in order to bring this point to a swift and abrupt end. Which one? I Corinthians 13, the Love Chapter, starts off with “Love is patient” (I Corinthians 13:4). Yeah, if you want to know if you love yourself and love yourself well, how patient are you…including with yourself? Throughout the years, I have shared one of my favorite definitions of "patient" in several different articles: “bearing provocation, annoyance, misfortune, delay, hardship, pain, etc., with fortitude and calm and without complaint, anger, or the like.” For me, it’s a blaring reminder that mastering patience isn’t just about waiting (more on that in a sec); it’s about waiting with grace.
Content people can do this because, on some level, they know how to apply the John Piper quote, "God is always doing 10,000 things in your life, and you may be aware of three of them." Another way of looking at this is people who can wait well — without complaining or getting annoyed by delays or challenges in the meantime — get that in order for things to truly come together, there are lots of moving parts…some that they don’t even know about. And so, if they want the best outcome, yes, waiting well is oftentimes not just involved; it is required.
Impatient people don’t get any of this. That’s why they are so stressed out all of the time.
2. You’re Worried About Things You Can’t Control
GiphyThis. Past. Election. Chile. And then the cabinet that that man is putting together as we speak? I don’t even want to get my blood pressure up, expounding on it. Let me just pivot by adding one more Scripture — because it is beyond fitting: “Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about its own things. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble.” (Matthew 6:34 — NKJV)
Although worrying is something that pretty much everyone does at one point or another, one of my favorite quotes on it is by an American humorist by the name of Erma Bombeck: “Worry is like a rocking chair: it gives you something to do but never gets you anywhere.” And really, when you stop to really think about worrying, isn’t that the truth? For one thing, all worrying does, by definition, is cause you to torment yourself by focusing on things that aren’t even going to happen (somewhere between 85-90 percent of the time, in fact; there is actually a science on that) or trying to control things that are beyond your control.
If being a worry wart is your internal struggle, my advice would be to look at life this way: If you’re worried that you’re about to get written up for getting to work late again, leave your house earlier — you can control that. On the other hand, if you’re worried that you’re going to get laid off before the holiday season ends, so long as you’ve been doing your best (which is also something that you can control), please put your energy elsewhere because that is something that you can’t control.
And I promise that when you choose to be calm and confident over worrying yourself to death, that can help you to manage what you can’t control so much easier. Oh, and your health will thank you, too, because worry is attached to things like insomnia, muscle tension, headaches, overeating, and drinking too much. All this over things that probably won’t happen in the first place? Yeah, sis…(choose to) relax.
And by choosing to chill out, there is some contentment that follows because you will see the good as much as, if not more than, the potential bad. Trust me.
3. The Past and/or Future Consume You
GiphyOn the heels of the Scripture that I just provided for the previous point, it also applies to this one. You know, back when I was doing some intentional research on forgiveness, I always appreciated the insight of author Gary Zukav: “Forgiveness is accepting that the past cannot change.” While this doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t hold people accountable for what they have done, it does help you to be compassionate with those who are truly sorry (check out “Heads Up: It's NOT An Apology If An Amend Isn't Made”) because, no matter what has transpired between you and them, one thing they can’t do is go back into a time machine and change it.
And you know what? When it comes to the mistakes — or, let’s be real, sometimes they are conscious poor decisions — you have made, you can’t either. So, why let their misdeeds or your own consume you to the point of internally destroying you?
Then there’s the future. What if you get robbed? What if your mom gets cancer? What if your husband files for divorce? Girl, if you are caught up in the future that hasn’t even happened yet, you are definitely gonna drive yourself up the wall! And this is why so many mental health experts and platforms are all about encouraging individuals to live in the moment. You can do this by meditating, taking breaks from social media (and the news), journaling, doing things that you enjoy (instead of waiting to put them off), and resting.
Listen, one of the best things about choosing to only focus on the here and now is you can find little things about it to be content with — and that helps you to be/become more content overall.
4. You Always Think About Wanting More
GiphyAlthough it certainly wasn’t my plan for this piece to be so Scripture-heavy, I’ve got to flow with what immediately comes to mind and, for this point, the verse, “So are the ways of everyone who is greedy for gain; It takes away the life of its owners” (Proverbs 1:19 — NKJV) is it. And just what does it mean to be greedy? A greedy individual isn’t just low-key obsessed with getting and having more — please catch it — they are also quite EAGER.
Eager folks also tend to be impatient. Eager folks are perceived by others as being very intense (and not in a good way). More times than not, eager folks haven’t really mastered how to take a moment to appreciate what they do have because all they care about is what’s next. And when you’re in a state of that kind of, well, anxiety…how could it not affect your quality of life? I mean, really.
And what if you read all of that and said, “I’m not greedy; I’m just ambitious” — listen, there is nothing wrong with having goals and wanting to obtain them. However, an ambitious individual knows how to find balance. If they get a promotion, they will schedule a vacation to celebrate it. If they just got a new car, they are not in a rush to get a new house until they can financially afford it. If they were just proposed to with a really nice ring, they aren’t hounding their new fiancé about setting a date within the next two weeks.
People who always want more, without taking the time to enjoy what they already have, are never going to be content. Why? Because there is always something else that you can want…even if you don’t need it or it really isn’t the time for it. Meanwhile, content people get that it’s a good thing to not go after everything all of the time; that it’s far wiser to embrace what is already before them — because some folks don’t even have…that.
5. You Compare Yourself to Others
GiphySomething that I actually get asked fairly often is, do I feel “some type of way” that I do so much work in the realm of marriage when I’ve never been married myself. The short answer is “absolutely not” because I know that I could’ve been married, a few times over, at this point; however, I am just as intentional about not wanting to be divorced as I am about being in a healthy marriage, not just “a marriage.”
I’m grateful to be in that head and heart space too; otherwise, I would be out here comparing myself to other people — and there is nothing good, healthy, wise, profitable, or beneficial about doing that. In fact, science isn’t a fan of playing the “keeping up with the Joneses” game, either.
According to science, that can ultimately do things like lower your self-esteem, cause you to only see the bad/negative things in your world (in comparison to other people), and it can jack up your perception of what’s really going on with other people. For instance, if you’re 33 and comparing yourself to your friends who are already married and parents, you might want to talk to them about what their day-to-day, beyond their IG posts, is like.
Because while prayerfully, their life is filled with many blessings, if they are being totally honest with you, they will also share that you’ve got some “pros” to your life too (honey, there are some real benefits to being single; check out “If You're Not In Love With Being Single, Ask Yourself These 6 Questions.,” “10 Bona Fide Benefits Of Being Single,” and “10 Words That'll Make You Totally Rethink The Word 'Single'”). Content people get that every season does — because it’s true.
6. You Don’t Verbalize Gratitude Often
GiphyThere is someone in my world who I actually try to avoid as much as possible. It’s not that she’s not smart, and honestly, she’s one of the funniest individuals that I’ve ever known (and I’ve known her for most of my adult life). It’s just that…she is always wanting something, and I find that to make her a very draining individual. Lawd, even as I am typing all of this out, I’m trying to recall a time when I’ve heard her say, “thank you” for something (no joke), let alone express any form of genuine gratitude. She’s just got such a sense of entitlement that whatever she does receive, she thinks she’s owed and what she doesn’t have, she believes that something is wrong if it hasn’t arrived yet. Geeze, what a horrible type of existence.
You don’t have to take my word for it either because there is plenty of data out here to support that people who don’t take the time to be grateful for what they have ended up being unhappy, more stressed out, in more physical pain (yes, literally) and definitely more negative than everyone else — which would explain why people don’t like hanging out with them as much.
So, since this is the time when gratitude is the theme of the season, think about what you are grateful for when it comes to what you’ve accomplished this year, then write it down and post it up somewhere. Then, as far as the individuals, for whom you are grateful for — send them a handwritten note, get them a gift card to their favorite coffee shop, or even just call to tell them.
One of the most beautiful things about being in a state of contentment is it reminds you of a lot of what you already have. It really is enough…for now…in this very moment.
7. Being (and Living) Satisfied Is a Foreign Concept to You
Giphy“Tubi movies” really is a complete sentence. LOL. And yes, sometimes, when I’m taking a writing break, I will check out some of the most…I-wouldn’t-normally ones, just to lend my support. In walks Never Satisfied with its own self-explanatory meaning. Y’all, it really is oh so true that there are folks out here dealing with some unpredictable and sometimes even truly dire consequences — and it’s all because they didn’t know how to sit down somewhere and learn how to be satisfied with the people, places, things, and ideas that they already have.
That said, I am indeed a quotes gal, and one of my favorites on the topic of satisfaction is by actor Christopher Reeve: “Success is finding satisfaction in giving a little more than you take,” and although I don’t do what I’m about to do often (because I try to take Matthew 6:1-4 very literally and seriously), I’m going to illustrate what he said about satisfaction by sharing a recent situation.
This past week, a nurse practitioner (I prefer those to doctors) diagnosed me with wrist tendonitis for the first time in my life. If you knew how many keystrokes that I do a day, you’d probably be shocked that it took this long. Anyway, as I was waiting in line to get a prescription, a young Black man was basically freaking out because his insurance was refusing to cover his own meds. According to what he was telling the pharmacist, he always only pays $5; however, this time, they were charging $62, he simply didn’t have it, and the insurance company was not picking up.
As I watched him shaking and sweating while saying that he really needed it today and fretting while talking to his mom on the phone, I offered to cover it — and after going back and forth with him for about three minutes, I did. In my mind, although I didn’t plan on spending about $85 (total) that day, the little inconvenience that it was costing me was nothing in comparison to how much it was going to benefit him — I could tell from how he and his mother reacted (even the pharmacist mouthed “thank you so much”), and that is what made it money well spent.
To help someone who had no way of helping themselves in the moment? That brought me a lot of satisfaction because it’s nice to lighten someone’s load while leaving it to karma to handle it. ALL OF IT.
And that’s why I thought it was best to wrap all of this up with a reminder that being satisfied is being content. And when you can be so satisfied with your life that you want to help others? That is a level of contentment that is truly unmatched because you start looking for ways to bless others simply so that they can feel just as content as you do.
____
Our culture? It really is never satisfied, which explains why a lot of people are so miserable. SMDH. You don’t have to be like the masses, though. This Thanksgiving, please purpose in your mind (and heart) to be(come) more content. It will make you a rare gem that benefits everyone and everything around you.
Including yourself, sis. No doubt about it.
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Originally published on November 28, 2024