The Myth Of The Sex Drive & How Libido Changes From Your 20s, 30s, 40s & 50s
No one prepared me for how horny I would be in my late 30s. All the elders in my life prepared me for random chin hairs, weight gain, and menopause but no one said a mumbling word about my sex drive. Something happens the closer you get to forty. I went from wanting sex here and there to wanting it all the damn time. Is there a support group for this? I can’t be the only one who has the sex drive of the Energizer Bunny. Upon my research to figure out why I felt like a cat in heat, I discovered several theories surrounding women and our sex drives–including one that says the concept of having a sex drive is a myth altogether.
Scientifically, the word ‘drive’ is used to describe the motivational system we have that helps us navigate life or death situations. For example, our drive to find food, warmth or shelter are all things that we need to stay alive. Technically, we won’t die if we don’t have sex–the lack of sex might feel like death but we won’t stop living. Biologists suggest that if sex was fundamentally a “drive” more humans would experience the urge for sex spontaneously like we do hunger. They claim that instead of a “drive,” humans experience and express a desire for sexual intimacy.
I honestly don’t know if libido is a sex drive or desire and to be quite honest I don’t really care. What I do know is that I am not alone in my sudden urge to want more sex. In fact, most women will experience periods of high and low sexual desire throughout their lives. Many believe that our desire for sex is impacted by a range of things such as our lifestyle, healthy habits, like eating a balanced diet, working out regularly, getting enough rest, and our feelings about our partners and relationships. There’s probably some validity to these factors because in my own life, the more comfortable and familiar I was with my body and partner, the more I craved intimacy.
However, despite the many elements that contribute to our libido, I also found that there are certain commonalities that women within certain age categories shared. Women in their 20s, 30s, 40s, and beyond experience similar desires (or lack thereof) for sex. Regardless of how healthy your habits are, changes in hormonal shifts seem to be inevitable for women. Are these commonalities psychological, social, and physical or a combination of all three?
To take a closer look, here are some sexual changes women can expect to take place throughout their lifespan.
Your Libido in Your 20s
Our 20s are the young, experimental, and most fertile years. My 20s were filled with Hot Girls Summers and Thot Girl Falls! Based on stats women are more likely to have lots of sex from the ages of 18 to 26. Women are also most fertile during the younger years which can contribute to horniness during ovulation. However, women in their early 20s are sexually unsure of themselves, still figuring out their desires, and how to talk about sex, which could lead to anxiety and low desire.
Your Libido in Your 30s
Many people consider the 30s to be women's sexual prime. According to sex researcher Alfred Kinsey, women have more orgasms in their 30s than at any other time in their lifespan. Oh, Alfred may be on to something because my thirties have been a decade of heightened libido, increased sexual enjoyment, and stronger and better orgasms. Your 30s are the period in most women’s lives that we tend to become less insecure about our bodies. We are more aware of what we need sexually–we know how to get the job done ourselves and how to coach our partners.
We also tend to be more eager to explore and try new things. Research also suggests that the increase in sex drive in the 30s is caused largely by the body’s biological clock. A lot of women have children in their 30s. Wanting to get pregnant means sex and typically lots of it.
Your Libido in Your 40s
Most of the women I know in their 40s say that their sex drive is the strongest it’s ever been. Apparently, the increase in sex drive that begins in our 30s continues until our mid-40s. One study showed that women between 27 and 45 had more frequent and more intense sexual fantasies than younger or older women. As you start going through perimenopause, your body's testosterone remains unchanged, while estrogen decreases, creating a high testosterone to estrogen level in your blood. Testosterone can perk up the sex drive, creating a desire for sex more often. So basically my horniness won’t be going anywhere anytime soon, got it!
Your Libido in Your 50s
Your 50s are the menopause years and we all have heard the stories about menopause. Most women experience a significant decline in sex drive, along with weaker orgasms, reduced sexual function, and vaginal dryness, because of menopause. During menopause, estrogen levels begin to decline. As a result, hormone shifts can lead to menopause symptoms like hot flashes, insomnia, and mood swings—all of which can shrink sexual desire. These hormonal changes often lead to vaginal dryness, which can cause pain with sex and lower libido. In conclusion, keep a fan handy and try to make it through the best way you can.
Your Libido in Your 60s and 70s
The best surprise I’ve ever received is when I realized that older women still had active sex lives. I pretty much assumed that menopause was where great sex went to die. It wasn’t until I began having conversations with women in their 60s and 70s that I began to realize they still pussy pop—albeit not on a headstand but their pussy is still popped. Many women in their silver years feel like they know their bodies better than they ever have, allowing for more gratifying sexual experiences. However, other factors start to impact overall health during this decade that can lead to a decline in sex.
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Featured image by Rob Lewine/Getty Images
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ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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How A Stay At Switzerland's Luxurious 7132 Hotel Reminded Me To Live The Life I Deserve
Sometimes, as women—especially as single Black women—we simply need to be reminded that we are deserving of living a life we dream of. Even if that means creating it for ourselves. I recently set out on a weeklong trip to Switzerland, a trip I’ve been wanting to take for years, and near the end of my visit, I had an epiphany.
“DeAnna, this is the life you deserve,” I thought to myself as I took in the gorgeous bathroom in my suite at the famous 7132 Hotel and Thermal Spa. It was one of the most luxurious hotels (and bathrooms) I had ever stayed in—and that’s saying a lot for someone who often travels for work.
To help you better understand why this was such a mental awakening for me, I first need to give a bit of my backstory. I’m in my late thirties. I’m an attorneyand a journalist. I own a home and have traveled the world extensively. Essentially, I’ve done everything in life I set out to do. However, when it comes to dating, I struggle. Not because there is anything wrong with me per se, but because my career and “lifestyle” often create problems in my romantic relationships.
View from my hotel room
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I’ve been told everything from, ‘I can’t continue to date you because you seem to choose your career over wanting to settle down and have kids’ by a man after only the second date to ‘Maybe if you just sat down somewhere for a while, I’d actually wife you’ by someone who has honestly never proven themselves to be the settle down type. And these are only a handful of the things I’ve been told over the years.
It’s been frustrating, to say the least, and there have even been seasons where I purposely dimmed my light in hopes that my career wouldn’t push away potential suitors. I know what you’re thinking, “Girl, why would you even consider that? If they’re for you, it won’t matter what you do.” Hey, don’t judge me, but also, I one hundred percent agree.
My hotel bathroom
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That’s why this recent moment in Switzerland was right on time. When I first walked into the hotel to check in, I was blown away by the surrounding beauty. It was a five-star property with one of the world’s most famous thermal bathhouses. Yet, it was something about seeing that 90% of the hotel’s guests were couples, that forced me to sit back for a bit of introspection—while soaking in the thermal spa, of course.
As I went through the mental conversation, there was a battle of sorts. On one hand, I knew that being able to partake in experiences like the one I was having at that moment was important to me. I knew that, at times I actually love being able to dabble in the finer things—after all, I’ve worked hard to be able to afford them. On the other hand, and sadly, I knew that sometimes being a single Black woman that publicly showcases her “luxurious” habits can intimidate men and even scare them off from pursuing you under the guise of them feeling like they “can’t do anything for you, because you have everything.”
My hotel room
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So, what is a girl to do?
Do I minimize/hide the life and experiences that I have? Do I play down the hard work I’ve put in to get where I am professionally? Or, do I risk being single in exchange for being able to have said life, without backlash?
Luckily, the joy that I felt while being at this property won. There was something about taking a full day to simply pamper myself at the bathhouse and in my in-room steam shower and soaker tub, indulging in cuisine from a 2-star Michelin restaurant and doing all of this while surrounded by an amazing group of Black women that reminded me—this is certainly the life I was meant to live and that I deserve. Even if it means that right now, I’ll just have to provide it for myself until the right partner comes along. And honestly, I’m okay with that.
Restaurant at 7132 hotel
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