Whoa buddy. Before we deep dive into the topic of potential, I think it's important to say something that is very important, and relevant, about love. And yes, I'm going to broach this from a biblical perspective. I John 4:8&16 tells us that God is love and, I Corinthians 13, the Love Chapter, tells us that love is things like patient (bearing provocation, annoyance, misfortune, delay, hardship, pain, etc., with fortitude and calm and without complaint, anger, or the like) and that it bears all things (think about all of this, the next time you get ready to say "I love you" to someone). When it comes to what God knows about me, I know that I can be a handful and a continual work in progress so, yes, I do believe that a big part of love's purpose is to see someone as they could or should be and not necessarily as they currently are. True and divine love is about believing in the best about someone and supporting them through their evolutions (which is what should be a foundational principle in marriage, if you ask me).
It's kinda like the quote by Canadian columnist Richard J. Needham who once said, "You don't marry one person; you marry three: the person you think they are, the person they are, and the person they are going to become as the result of being." A lot of married folks call it quits because they forget (or deliberately choose to ignore) that very profound insight.
Yeah, love isn't about feeling good all of the time or being with someone who acts like they memorized the script of your favorite rom-com. As the Good Book says, "Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance." (I Corinthians 13:7—NLT)
I think all of this needs to go on record because what we're about to tackle, well…it's not that I'm saying that it's impossible to love a work in progress. The truly humble and self-aware folks know that we all are a work in progress. Only delusional people expect relationships to be perfect when the two people in them are anything but. However, it's one thing to choose to love someone who is rough around the edges, you're totally aware of that fact, you don't try and make things be what they aren't and you decide to stay, deal and endure. It's something entirely different when there are all kinds of signs and red flags that you think you should overlook because you believe that your love either makes those things irrelevant or, your love is going to somehow miraculously change an individual. The first scenario is dealing in realism. The second? Well, that is someone who thinks that it's truly possible to fall in love with potential. Here's why I call BS on Door #2.
What Is Potential? Exactly.
I am always tickled when an article topic will pull up a song in my mental rolodex that I haven't thought about in a while. Today, it's Brandy's classic "Almost Doesn't Count". And yes, for context, I'm going to include all of the first verse.
Almost made you love me
Almost made you cry
Almost made you happy, baby
Didn't I didn't I
You almost had me thinking
You were turned around
But everybody knows
Almost doesn't count
Almost heard you saying
You were finally free
What was always missing for you, baby
You'd found it in me
But you can't get to heaven
Half off the ground
Everybody knows
Almost doesn't count
Almost. Almost does not count. It doesn't count because the word means "little short of being; very nearly". The saying "close but no cigar" immediately comes to mind. The reason why almost emotionally trips so many of us up is because it literally means that something—or in this case, someone—is right on the verge of being what we want or need…close but ain't. Yeah, and please don't let the definition of the word "being" escape you either. It means "existence" or "substance". A definition of exist is "occur". A definition of substance is "physical matter or material". The reason why Brandy is so right when she says that a man almost was the one but he wasn't is because he almost proved himself to be right…but what she thought was there actually didn't exist (occur) and wasn't of substance (physical matter or material). If something you thought was there wasn't…it doesn't really count…does it?
And that's what makes the word "almost" a sibling to the word "potential". Potential means "possible, as opposed to actual". The words to focus on here are "possible" and "actual". Check it.
Possible: capable of existing and taking place; having potential or capabilities for favorable use or development; that may or may not happen or have happened; feasible but less than probable
Actual: existing in act or fact; real; existing now; present; current
Lawd, lawd. The parts that are underlined and in bold? That is by design. Something or someone who has potential? That is something or someone who yes, it is feasible that they could manifest into what you need, want or desire; however, at the same time, the chances of that happening are—please pay attention here—less than probable. This means that it's less likely that what you are expecting will actually occur.
So, when a person says that they are in love with someone else's potential, what they are essentially saying is they are investing in someone becoming what is less than likely to actually occur.
The reasons why are endless. It might be because the person they are involved with isn't interested in becoming different. It might be because, in this season, that individual is incapable of growth or change. It could also be because the person who loves them doesn't actually love them; they love who they conjured up in their mind whether it was out of desperation, control tendencies or a fairy tale perception of what love and relationships are really all about. Or, it could be something else. Whatever the case may be, potential could happen but, based on the definition of the word, it's not something to bet next month's rent on. In other words, potential is a gamble. A super risky one, at that.
Meanwhile, when something is actual—which is essentially the opposite of potential—that speaks to what is real. Real is an interesting word too. Two of its definitions include "true" and "existing or occurring as fact; actual rather than imaginary, ideal, or fictitious". Real? It deals in facts not fiction. It's based on what is actually the truth. Actual also speaks to what exists right now. It's not about what could happen next month or next year; it's about what you are dealing with at the present moment. Now, keeping all of these definitions in mind, let's touch down on why it's actually impossible to fall in love with someone based on their potential.
Why You Can Never Actually to Be in Love with Potential
At this stage in my life, I'm intentionally using the word "love" less and less. As I am learning more about what the word means and what it requires, I find it to be pretty sacred. That's why I'm trying to get away from (for instance) saying I love my godchildren and I love rocky road ice cream. My godbabies deserve more honor than that. And don't even get me started on the phrase "in love" and how much it's abused. A part of the reason why I wrote the articles "Like, Love & In Love: How To Really Know The Differences", "Are You In Love Or Are You In Need?" and "5 Signs That You're In Love (All By Yourself)" is because to be "in love" with someone means that another person is actually on the same page with you—they have the same kind of feelings, they are in the same type of relationship and, for the most part, you both have the same type of relational goals and expectations. The word "in" literally means "in or into some place, position, state, relation, etc." while "with" means "accompanied by; accompanying", so no…you cannot actually be in love with someone without them being in love with you as well.
Do you see where this is going? If you actually keep what being in love means and you already know that potential speaks to "feasible but less than probable", not "real" or "existing now", how can you possibly be in love with potential? Isn't that basically like being in love with an imaginary friend? Sure, you might've been able to create something in your mind but, at the end of the day, it doesn't exist. And since it doesn't exist, it's impossible for it to be "in" or "with" you at all. IT'S. NOT. REAL.
There is one man, in particular, from my past who I totally wasted my time on. Yes, wasted. I hate it when people try and rationalize poor choices by saying that nothing is a waste of time. You can very much so make decisions that "consume, spend, or employ uselessly or without adequate return"—and this guy is a perfect example of that. It's not that he was the devil incarnate. Not even close. He had some traits that were truly wonderful; that is a real fact. Yet what I made the mistake of doing was allowing those qualities to override all of the bullshishery that he put on display, time and time again, too. I thought that, because he had some exceptional traits that they would—should and could—cancel out all of the red flags. I wholeheartedly believed that his good qualities had the potential to do so.
Hmph. After 15-plus years of knowing this brotha, the good is still good; the red flags are still flapping away. At one point, I was putting heartfelt emotions, precious time and even some of my resources into both—the real and the potential—all the while believing that my love would make him want to become a better man.
Nothing can make a man become better other than him choosing to do so (same thing goes for women). Love may inspire someone to want to change but it doesn't automatically happen unless they want it to.
Unfortunately, a lot of women refuse to believe and/or accept this. Instead, they live in what I call "mirage love". When a person is super thirsty in a desert, they can create a mirage (something illusory, without substance or reality) that there is water when there actually isn't. When a woman is so desirous for a man to become what she has created in her imagination, she can confuse potential with what actually exists—and she'll keep doing that until she realizes that what she's holding onto is all in her head. If she doesn't wake up to this reality, yes, she is totally wasting her time. The guy isn't the waste of time. Her holding onto what isn't real is.
The actual guy? Everyone's lines of tolerance are different. So, at least for today, I'm not going to get into if the ACTUAL MAN you are choosing to love is worth the investment. What I will say is the more we love ourselves, the more our standards tend to rise. What I will also say is if you are going to bestow anyone with something as sweet, special and wonderful as your love, at least make sure you're giving it to something that is real…and potential ain't.
I already know. Just like some people in the desert will swear there is a pool of water that is 10 feet away from them, some women will not budge on believing that loving the potential of a man is a good and beneficial thing. Yet for the ladies reading this who feel like they are stuck in a relationship—or situationship—to the point that it is draining everything out of them…take a moment to ask yourself if any of what I just said resonated. Ponder over the fact that you could be like a person who is boxing the air; that you are someone who loves potential…something that doesn't truly exist.
If that is you, the good news is there's no time like the present to stop. While ole' boy is out here being and doing whatever he is actually being and doing, what is real is you and who you can really love is yourself. Bottom line, being in love is defined as being in something real with someone else. Potential makes that impossible. And that's the God honest truth, y'all. All facts. No fiction.
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Anyway, I personally think that the less shallow folks out here may contemplate calling things “quits” or they at least distance themselves a bit from their partner (and what I’m referring to is serious relationships) due to all of the stress and strain that oftentimes comes with the holidays whether it be financial, familial, due to their tight schedules or something else.
Listen, I would hate for you and your man to miss the fun and happiness of experiencing this time of year, all because you are so overwhelmed or irritated that you can’t really enjoy it. That’s why I have a few practical tips for how to avoid allowing the typical holiday season stress from INFECTING your relationship.
Manage Your Expectations
GiphyUnmanaged expectations. If there is a main reason why the holiday season tends to be so stress-filled for so many people, I’d bet good money that this is the cause. And when you’re in a long-term relationship, expectations can manifest themselves in all sorts of cryptic and/or unexpected ways. You might have relatives who assume that you are going to be with them for Thanksgiving or Christmas when you have other plans in mind. You might be thinking that you are going to spend one amount for presents while your man is thinking something totally different. When it comes to scheduling, your signals may be crossed.
And you know what? To all of these scenarios, this is where clear and consistent communication come in. Don’t assume anything. Don’t dictate anything either. From now until New Year’s, mutually decide to check in once a week, just to make sure that you are both on the same page as it relates to the holidays and what you both are thinking will come along with it. The less blindsided you both feel, the less stressed out you will be. Trust me on this.
Set (and Keep) a Budget
GiphyOkay, so I read that last year, 36 percent of Americans incurred some type of holiday-related debt. Hmph. Last year, there was still some sense of normalcy in this country, chile, so I can only imagine what finances are gonna look like over the next several weeks. That said, since I don’t know a lot of people who don’t find being broke stressful, make sure that you and your bae set a budget and then stick to it this year — no ifs, ands or buts.
Because really, y’all — it doesn’t make sense to deplete savings and/or max out credit cards for a few days of giggles only to be damn near losing your mind because you don’t know how to make ends meet come Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. Day.
And by the way, this tip doesn’t just speak to things like food and gifts; I also mean travel. If it doesn’t make a ton of sense (or cents) to be all over the place this year — DON’T BE.
Keep Matthew 5:37 at the Forefront
GiphyIf off the top of your head, you don’t know what Matthew 5:37 says, no worries, here ya go: “But let your ‘Yes’ be ‘Yes,’ and your ‘No,’ ‘No.’ For whatever is more than these is from the evil one.” That verse right there? Oh, it’s a boundaries lifesaver! I say that because do you see “maybe” or “I’ll think about it” in there? Nope. LOL. It says that you should tell people “yes” or “no” and leave it at that — and that complements Anne Lamott’s quote, “’No’ is a complete sentence” impeccably well. Yeah, you’ve got to remember that anything beyond a yes or no to a request is privileged information; you don’t owe anyone details or an explanation.
Besides, if you are really honest with yourself, when someone asks you something and you give a “Umm, let me think about it” kind of reply, more times than not, you already know what your answer is going to be — so why not let you both off of the hook? Give your response. Commit to that. And let everyone (including yourself) get on with their lives and schedules.
I promise you that when it comes to those holiday parties, you are pissing more folks off by not RSVP’ing or doing so and not showing up than just saying, “Thank you but not this year” off the rip.
Remember That Your Personal Space Is Privilege Not a Right
GiphyA friend of mine recently bought a new house and invited me over to come see it. He’s a single man with no children, so as I was taking in all of the space that he had, especially as I walked through his finished basement, I joked about relatives coming to live with him. “Hell no” and “absolutely not” were pretty much his immediate responses as he went on to say that some folks even had the nerve to be offended when he told them that he had no intentions on taking DNA in.
Ain’t it wild how people think that your stuff is their right? And yes, that brings me to my next point. Your home is your sanctuary space. If you want to host folks this year — cool. If not, ALSO COOL. Please don’t let folks (family included) guilt you into how they want you to act or even into what they would do if the shoe was on the other foot. You are not them — and as one of my favorite quotes states, “If two people were exactly alike, one of them would be unnecessary.” (A man by the name Larry Dixon said that.)
Hell, my friends? They know that I am good for sending them random things that they need or even want all throughout the year. Coming over to hang out at my pace, though. Uh-uh. Chalk it up to being a card-carrying member of the ambivert club yet I like keeping my living space personal — and I sleep like a baby, each and every night, for feeling that way.
Always remember that your space, your time, your resources, your energy and shoot, yourself period (including your relationship), are all things that are your own. You get to choose how, when and why you want to share them. The holiday season is certainly no exception.
Cultivate Some “You Two Only” Traditions
GiphyIt’s not uncommon for some couples to hit me up after the holiday season to “detox.” Sometimes it’s due to the financial drama (and sometimes trauma) that they experienced. Sometimes it’s because they allowed their relatives (especially in-laws) to get more into their personal business than they should’ve. More than anything, though, it tends to be because they didn’t get enough quality time together and so ended up feeling “disconnected.”
Please don’t let that happen. Listen, I’m not even a holidays kind of woman and yet, I will absolutely sit myself down with some hot chocolate and chocolate chip cookies to enjoy a Hallmark holiday film or two. Aside from the fact that most of them are lighthearted and sweet, I also like that they usually focus on couples loving on each other amidst all of the holiday beauty and ambiance — which is something that all couples should set aside some time to do.
Maybe it’s a vacation. Maybe it’s a staycation. Or maybe it’s my personal favorite, A SEXCATION. Whether it’s for a few days, the weekend or even overnight — don’t you let the holidays go by without setting aside time for you and your man to celebrate one another. Don’t you dare (check out “Are You Ready To Have Some Very Merry 'Christmas Sex'?”).
GET. SOME. REST.
GiphyI once read that 8 out of 10 people get stressed out over the holidays and 3 out of 10 lose sleep during to it — and when you’re stress-filled and sleep-deprived, that can absolutely lead to hypersensitivity, making mountains out of molehills and even not being in the mood for sex.
Your relationship can’t afford to go through any of this, so definitely make sure to prioritize rest. I don’t care how unrealistic it might seem during this time, sleep should never be seen as a luxury; it will always and forever be a great necessity.
That said, try to get no less than six hours of shut-eye in (check out “6 Fascinating Ways Sex And Sleep Definitely Go Hand In Hand”) and even ask your bae to take a nap with you sometimes (check out “Wanna Have Some Next-Level Sex? Take A Nap, Sis.”). Not only will sleep help to restore your mind, body and spirit but, when it’s with your partner, it’s an act of intimacy that can make you both feel super connected, even in the midst of what might feel like chaos.
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Holiday season stress is real. Still, never give it the permission or power to throw your relationship off. Put you and your man first and let the holidays be what they are gonna be, chile.
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If, while on your continual journey to get the best out of your own tresses, you’d like to learn how to get them healthier than it’s ever been, I’ve got seven acids that are typically known for skin use that can be just as beneficial to your hair as well.
1. Salicylic Acid
When it comes to your skin, salicylic acid is beta-hydroxy acid that is great for your skin if you’re looking for something that will exfoliate it, clear out your pores and dissolve dead skin cells. In fact, this is why it’s an acid that is quite popular when it comes to treating acne.
Your hair will enjoy salicylic acid because, if you’re looking to remove product build-up, you want to soothe an itchy or irritated scalp or you’ve got some dandruff flakes that are totally driving you up the wall, salicylic acid has the ability to treat all of this. Either purchasing a shampoo that contains this ingredient or adding it to your favorite scalp scrub is probably the most effective way to get the most out of it.
Just make sure that if your scalp is sensitive or dry that you approach with caution. In these instances, it could end up irritating your scalp more than helping it out, so use a very little bit in the beginning to make sure that it vibes with you.
2. Lactic Acid
Lactic acid is an alpha hydroxy acid that can help to even out your skin tone as well as slow down the signs of aging. The properties in it help to do this by reducing hyperpigmentation and boosting collagen production in your skin as well as keeping it hydrated.
Why is it great for your locks? For one thing, lactic acid is considered to be a humectant. This means that it pulls water from the air so that your hair is able to remain moisturized.
Another thing that makes it a winner is the fact that lactic acid breaks down dead skin cells on your scalp (so that your hair follicles are able to flourish), it can help to soften and detangle your hair (making it a helpful addition on your wash days) and it also helps to protect your tresses from heat styling tools and UV damage. Applying a hair rinse that’s made up of part lactic acid and part water can work wonderfully (so long as you apply it once a month, tops; more than that might be too “intense” for your hair strands).
3. Glycolic Acid
Glycolic acid is a water-soluble alpha hydroxy acid that is actually made from sugar. Your skin will adore it because it smooths the appearance of fine lines and wrinkles, improves the texture of your skin, gently exfoliates, clears your pores and brightens up your complexion overall.
The reasons why you should consider this acid for your hair is because it helps to keep your scalp youthful (and yes, there is such a thing; check out “Your Scalp Ages Six Times Faster Than Your Face. Why It Matters.”), removes excess sebum (that could be clogging up your hair follicles) and it helps to keep your hair moisturized. Your best bet here is to make it a part of your pre-shampooing ritual.
4. Succinic Acid
Succinic acid is an acid that is made from sugar cane and contains antimicrobial and anti-inflammatory properties. Although it doesn’t exactly exfoliate (like many of these other acids do), it can still be beneficial to your skin when it comes to reducing the kind of irritation that is associated with eczema, decreasing the bacteria that leads to breakouts and keeping your skin pretty hydrated.
As far as your hair goes, this is an acid that is worth trying out because it helps to balance the sebum that is on your scalp, remove dead skin and product build-up that can irritate your scalp and clog your hair follicles and, succinic acid is also beneficial when it comes to reducing dandruff and helping to prevent hair loss. Most people tend to apply this as a serum.
5. Hyaluronic Acid
I’ve officially sung the praises of hyaluronic acid on this platform before. One example is via the article, “Why Your Skin, Hair, And Nails Need Hyaluronic Acid Like...Yesterday.” On the skin tip, hyaluronic acid is great because it deeply hydrates your skin, contains anti-aging properties and can even bring relief to vaginal (including vulvar) dryness.
Your hair will adore this particular acid because it aids moisture to it (including your hair follicles), will help to improve your hair’s texture and it also soothes scalp dryness, nurtures the cuticles of your tresses and decreases frizz. Using a serum rich in this acid as a pre-poo or as a leave-in conditioner is recommended.
6. Azelaic Acid
If you’ve never heard of azelaic acid before, this is your lucky day. It’s a dicarboxylic acid that, when it comes to skincare (and hair care) products, is usually synthetic. Anyway, if you are looking for a way to reduce inflammation, even skin tone after a breakout or if you want to use an exfoliant that will improve the texture of your skin overtime, you might want to give this acid a shot.
This one makes the list as far as your hair is concerned because, if achieving more inches is your current focus, azelaic acid might come in handy. That’s because it is able to strengthen your hair, thicken your strands and also stimulate hair growth from within your hair follicles.
7. Glutamic Acid
Glutamic acid is actually a type of amino acid. Skin-wise, it’s great for deeply hydrating your skin as well as protecting it from pollutants and damaging UV rays. Also, if you’re looking for an acid that treats skin dryness or “tightness,” this could be the answer to your prayers.
Since glutamic acid is also considered to be a humectant, it’s another acid that can moisturize your hair. As a result, it can decrease breakage while helping your hair to feel smooth and look shiny.
BONUS: Amino Acids
Speaking of amino acids and hair, please try to keep some amino acids in your diet at all times. The reason why is because, since your hair is made up of mostly protein (keratin, to be exact), amino acids are pretty darn effective when it comes to helping you to maintain the overall health and well-being of your hair.
Ones to prioritize include proline (it boosts collagen so that your hair strands can maintain flexibility); arginine (it increases blood flow to your hair follicles so that they can receive the nutrients that they need); cysteine (it helps to keep your hair follicles healthy); alanine (it helps your system to produce more collagen), and isoleucine (it strengthens the tissues that help to make up your hair strands). All of these are available in supplement form or you can use Google to see which foods contain them.
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Although it might initially seem odd to apply acid to your hair, as you can see, certain ones will work miracles for it. So, test them out to see which one tickles your fancy.
Hell, since they work for your skin as well — it’s a two-for-one deal that is worth every penny!
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