Shellie, I think I’m in love. That’s what someone recently said to me. Y’all, I’ve gotta admit that, right after those words came out of her mouth, I thought about a Tubi movie I had watched before (Our Girlfriend) where a woman was talking to her therapist about being in a polyamorous relationship after stating that she was single in the session they had just had the week before. Like the puzzled therapist, I was like, “Umm, you were just single about two weeks ago. Now you’re in love? What in the world, chile?”
And then she got to talking to me about how she was set up on a date via a couple of friends and, even though she had to admit that things were moving kinda fast, after about 10 days of talking nonstop on the phone, they had sex and it was the best that she ever had.
Me: “Okay, so you’re turned out or in love?”
Her: “The connection was strong before the sex, but the sex solidified it. I’m in love!”
Yeah…charge it to experience, lots of observation, and/or my gift of discernment (maybe all three), yet I wasn’t convinced that it was love over just…feeling really good. Y’all, for true love to cultivate, it takes time…it takes going through some things together (and coming out of them together)…it takes making certain choices over merely…feeling things. Still, she was adamant that she is in full-on love with this man and that the mind-blowing sex that went down confirmed that something really real was there. We shall see.
In the meantime, because life has taught me that she hasn’t been the first to feel this way (not even close) nor will she be the last, let’s look at what science has to say about the influence and impact that sex has on love.
Is it really true (or even possible) that you can fall in love with someone…just based on their sex game alone?
What You Should Know About Sexual Chemistry
GiphyListen, I’ll be the first to say that sexual chemistry can be a pretty potent thing. Probably the best way to define it is, when you have an immediate attraction to someone to the point where you feel a desire for them, you want to be close to them, you find yourself flirting with them and looking for reasons to spend more time with them, there is some strong sexual chemistry going on. The thing is, though, if you’re really honest with yourself, what you’re feeling is more about lust than anything else.
And yeah, let’s talk about lust, strictly from a scientific standpoint, for just a moment. Did you know that when you experience the feeling of lust that a part of your brain known as the ventral tegmental area (VTA) is activated? What makes this so powerful is it’s the same area of the brain where reward, pleasure and even addiction are housed.
Then, if you add to all of this the fact that certain neural responses of lust and love actually overlap — this can be a big part of the reason why, when you experience sexual chemistry, it can feel like you may be in love when really…it may just be a really strong level of lust (intense sexual desire or appetite; ardent enthusiasm).
Especially when you factor in all that is going on in your brain whenever you’ve got lust brewing within your system. Starting with three very relevant factors: dopamine, vasopressin and oxytocin.
What Dopamine Does
GiphyLast year, when I wrote the article, “Love On The Brain: What Science Says Loving Someone Does To You Mentally” for the platform, one of the things I shared is that, when you love someone, dopamine activates within your system. Dopamine is a neurotransmitter that helps you to feel good; it also motivates you to do certain things.
Well, interestingly enough, when you lust someone, what actually happens is, while your dopamine levels tend to skyrocket, the prefrontal cortex of your brain begins to slow down. Why is this relevant? Because it’s literally the part of your brain that helps you to make plans and decisions.
So, let’s build on all of this: So far, what we know is, if you have some sort of sexual chemistry with someone, the part of your brain that feels pleasure intensifies while dopamine causes you to want to do what feels really good. At the same time, the part of your brain that makes wise decisions tends to deescalate.
Hmm…let’s keep going.
What Vasopressin Does
GiphySomething else that is present during lust is vasopressin. Although it’s probably most well-known for being an antidiuretic hormone (ADH) that helps your body to properly process water and regulate your blood pressure, science also reveals that it plays a role in what is known as pair bonding which is what can happen between a mother and child and also two people who have strong feelings for one another; basically, pair bonding cultivates a strong connection between two individuals whether it be love or lust.
And since vasopressin also contributes to feelings of anxiety, feeling happy and angry and preferring certain people over others — this can explain why lust can feel extremely intense (at times).
And still, let’s continue…
What Oxytocin Does
GiphyThere’s no telling how many times I’ve talked about oxytocin throughout the years (check out “You’ve Got Several Sex Hormones. These Tips Will Help Make Them (& Your Sex Life) Stronger.”), and with a nickname like “the love hormone,” I’m sure you get why/how it plays a role in the whole lust situation as well.
Since oxytocin has a way of making you feel more secure in and content with someone who you are already drawn to and since oxytocin surges, immensely so, during sex (and especially whenever you orgasm) — do you get why what the woman in the intro said to me garnered some side-eye?
Sometimes, we think that we’re in love with “him” when what we’re really in lust with is “it” — it being his genitalia more than anything else. And yes, some of it is directly tied to hormones. Straight up.
Can You “Fall in Love” from a One-Night Stand?
GiphySo, with this (scientific) foundation laid, this is where it gets interesting. Beyond your brain and body’s chemical reactions, is it possible to truly fall in love based on lust and acting on it via sex? Well, let’s look at one-night stands as an initial point of reference because, to have sex with someone who you barely know, there’s got to be some sort of sexual chemistry going on…right? Believe it or not, I actually read a study where, out of the individuals who participated in it, 25 percent shared that a one-night stand ended up becoming a bona fide relationship.
Okay, then there are people who have sex on the first date. How many of those end up staying together for a significant amount of time? Well, a study that I read on that revealed that somewhere around 30-40 percent of dating and married couples engaged in copulation within a month of starting their relationship.
In fact, a celebrity couple who actually comes to mind are John Legend and Chrissy Teigen. They had sex on their first date and John has even gone on record that, in hindsight, doing so seems to have helped to strengthen their relationship. Now, he also said that they were on a video shoot for an entire day beforehand which would probably count as a couple of dates…but still…they met in 2006 and have been married since 2013. Facts are facts.
So yeah, if we were to look at the facts, if connections are led with lust, there are times when it can work out (if that is indeed your goal). And, at the very least, you can feel like you’re in love and that may inspire and motivate you to stick around long enough to see if there is anything else that is worth building on — although that would need to be a mutual decision and therein lies a huge part of the gamble.
Always Remember: Love and Lust Are Not the Same Things
Okay, so taking all of what we just tackled into account — can you be scientifically in love with someone based on lust and sex alone? Seems to me like you can feel as if you are; however, you still should take the wise words of Benjamin Franklin into account: “If passion drives you, let reason hold the reins.” (Benjamin Franklin)
And that point makes me think of an article that I once read on Psychology Today’s website entitled, “The 3 Emotions That Hijack the Brain”. The three emotions mentioned were fear, anger and lust and some things that the author said about lust is, “Lust isn’t just about sex. It’s about fixation, reward, and craving. When unchecked, it can lead to compulsive behaviors, distraction, and disconnection… Like fear and anger, lust arrests our attention, narrows our focus, and overrides our judgment. It doesn’t shout like anger or alarm like fear—it whispers. It floods. It seduces…Lust is, in essence, a full-brain event.” Indeed.
Another article that I read, which addressed the differences between love and lust, mentioned the fact that while love is sometimes sexual, lust always is; that while love is driven by emotion, lust is driven by sex; and while love is all about having a romantic, emotional, mental and spiritual connection, lust is purely sexual and physical.
And so y’all — can you truly be in love just because of sex alone? Hmph. That takes me back to why I have never been a fan of the term “make love” in the first place. Personally, I think a lot of people expect sex to do more than it was ever designed to do because, something as MONUMENTAL AS LOVE? As I always say, sex can — and should — absolutely celebrate love; however, make it? Yeah, that’s kinda pushing it (check out “Why We Should Stop Using The Phrase 'Make Love' So Much”).
Lust is exhilarating. Great sex is mind-blowing. And still, love deserves to be honored for being more than a chemical reaction or a turned-out experience.
Can you feel like you want to love someone based on lust or sex? 1000 percent.
Should you wait to see how the two of you get along in other rooms of the house besides the bedroom before throwing the “love” word around like confetti? ABSOLUTELY.
And for the sake of everyone involved, please do.
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Anyway, I personally think that the less shallow folks out here may contemplate calling things “quits” or they at least distance themselves a bit from their partner (and what I’m referring to is serious relationships) due to all of the stress and strain that oftentimes comes with the holidays whether it be financial, familial, due to their tight schedules or something else.
Listen, I would hate for you and your man to miss the fun and happiness of experiencing this time of year, all because you are so overwhelmed or irritated that you can’t really enjoy it. That’s why I have a few practical tips for how to avoid allowing the typical holiday season stress from INFECTING your relationship.
Manage Your Expectations
GiphyUnmanaged expectations. If there is a main reason why the holiday season tends to be so stress-filled for so many people, I’d bet good money that this is the cause. And when you’re in a long-term relationship, expectations can manifest themselves in all sorts of cryptic and/or unexpected ways. You might have relatives who assume that you are going to be with them for Thanksgiving or Christmas when you have other plans in mind. You might be thinking that you are going to spend one amount for presents while your man is thinking something totally different. When it comes to scheduling, your signals may be crossed.
And you know what? To all of these scenarios, this is where clear and consistent communication come in. Don’t assume anything. Don’t dictate anything either. From now until New Year’s, mutually decide to check in once a week, just to make sure that you are both on the same page as it relates to the holidays and what you both are thinking will come along with it. The less blindsided you both feel, the less stressed out you will be. Trust me on this.
Set (and Keep) a Budget
GiphyOkay, so I read that last year, 36 percent of Americans incurred some type of holiday-related debt. Hmph. Last year, there was still some sense of normalcy in this country, chile, so I can only imagine what finances are gonna look like over the next several weeks. That said, since I don’t know a lot of people who don’t find being broke stressful, make sure that you and your bae set a budget and then stick to it this year — no ifs, ands or buts.
Because really, y’all — it doesn’t make sense to deplete savings and/or max out credit cards for a few days of giggles only to be damn near losing your mind because you don’t know how to make ends meet come Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. Day.
And by the way, this tip doesn’t just speak to things like food and gifts; I also mean travel. If it doesn’t make a ton of sense (or cents) to be all over the place this year — DON’T BE.
Keep Matthew 5:37 at the Forefront
GiphyIf off the top of your head, you don’t know what Matthew 5:37 says, no worries, here ya go: “But let your ‘Yes’ be ‘Yes,’ and your ‘No,’ ‘No.’ For whatever is more than these is from the evil one.” That verse right there? Oh, it’s a boundaries lifesaver! I say that because do you see “maybe” or “I’ll think about it” in there? Nope. LOL. It says that you should tell people “yes” or “no” and leave it at that — and that complements Anne Lamott’s quote, “’No’ is a complete sentence” impeccably well. Yeah, you’ve got to remember that anything beyond a yes or no to a request is privileged information; you don’t owe anyone details or an explanation.
Besides, if you are really honest with yourself, when someone asks you something and you give a “Umm, let me think about it” kind of reply, more times than not, you already know what your answer is going to be — so why not let you both off of the hook? Give your response. Commit to that. And let everyone (including yourself) get on with their lives and schedules.
I promise you that when it comes to those holiday parties, you are pissing more folks off by not RSVP’ing or doing so and not showing up than just saying, “Thank you but not this year” off the rip.
Remember That Your Personal Space Is Privilege Not a Right
GiphyA friend of mine recently bought a new house and invited me over to come see it. He’s a single man with no children, so as I was taking in all of the space that he had, especially as I walked through his finished basement, I joked about relatives coming to live with him. “Hell no” and “absolutely not” were pretty much his immediate responses as he went on to say that some folks even had the nerve to be offended when he told them that he had no intentions on taking DNA in.
Ain’t it wild how people think that your stuff is their right? And yes, that brings me to my next point. Your home is your sanctuary space. If you want to host folks this year — cool. If not, ALSO COOL. Please don’t let folks (family included) guilt you into how they want you to act or even into what they would do if the shoe was on the other foot. You are not them — and as one of my favorite quotes states, “If two people were exactly alike, one of them would be unnecessary.” (A man by the name Larry Dixon said that.)
Hell, my friends? They know that I am good for sending them random things that they need or even want all throughout the year. Coming over to hang out at my pace, though. Uh-uh. Chalk it up to being a card-carrying member of the ambivert club yet I like keeping my living space personal — and I sleep like a baby, each and every night, for feeling that way.
Always remember that your space, your time, your resources, your energy and shoot, yourself period (including your relationship), are all things that are your own. You get to choose how, when and why you want to share them. The holiday season is certainly no exception.
Cultivate Some “You Two Only” Traditions
GiphyIt’s not uncommon for some couples to hit me up after the holiday season to “detox.” Sometimes it’s due to the financial drama (and sometimes trauma) that they experienced. Sometimes it’s because they allowed their relatives (especially in-laws) to get more into their personal business than they should’ve. More than anything, though, it tends to be because they didn’t get enough quality time together and so ended up feeling “disconnected.”
Please don’t let that happen. Listen, I’m not even a holidays kind of woman and yet, I will absolutely sit myself down with some hot chocolate and chocolate chip cookies to enjoy a Hallmark holiday film or two. Aside from the fact that most of them are lighthearted and sweet, I also like that they usually focus on couples loving on each other amidst all of the holiday beauty and ambiance — which is something that all couples should set aside some time to do.
Maybe it’s a vacation. Maybe it’s a staycation. Or maybe it’s my personal favorite, A SEXCATION. Whether it’s for a few days, the weekend or even overnight — don’t you let the holidays go by without setting aside time for you and your man to celebrate one another. Don’t you dare (check out “Are You Ready To Have Some Very Merry 'Christmas Sex'?”).
GET. SOME. REST.
GiphyI once read that 8 out of 10 people get stressed out over the holidays and 3 out of 10 lose sleep during to it — and when you’re stress-filled and sleep-deprived, that can absolutely lead to hypersensitivity, making mountains out of molehills and even not being in the mood for sex.
Your relationship can’t afford to go through any of this, so definitely make sure to prioritize rest. I don’t care how unrealistic it might seem during this time, sleep should never be seen as a luxury; it will always and forever be a great necessity.
That said, try to get no less than six hours of shut-eye in (check out “6 Fascinating Ways Sex And Sleep Definitely Go Hand In Hand”) and even ask your bae to take a nap with you sometimes (check out “Wanna Have Some Next-Level Sex? Take A Nap, Sis.”). Not only will sleep help to restore your mind, body and spirit but, when it’s with your partner, it’s an act of intimacy that can make you both feel super connected, even in the midst of what might feel like chaos.
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Holiday season stress is real. Still, never give it the permission or power to throw your relationship off. Put you and your man first and let the holidays be what they are gonna be, chile.
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And that is why I decided to put emphasis on the word “late” for today’s topic. Because if you and someone break up and they approach you, well after the fact, with an “I’m sorry,” if you struggle with whether or not to accept it due to the timing of it all, you should definitely ponder that a bit.
And as you’re doing so, it might help to read a bit deeper into what an apology should look and live like, even from an ex, regardless of when it shows up.
Your “late.” Or his right on time.
Three Things That a True Apology Consists Of
GiphyIt’s kind of wild that when you work as a therapist/counselor/coach, a lot of people never really see you as human — and this can include your close relationships. What I mean by that is, it’s almost like they expect you to be free on-call therapy to the point where they “forget” to actually check on you sometimes.
Such is the case with one of my longest-running friendships. Even during the weeks between losing my mother and losing $4K (SMDH), she would just keep calling me to vent about her marriage. I finally got so fed up that I brought it to her attention that for the past couple of years, that is exactly what our friendship has been like: her venting, me listening without her being very invested in my life at all. In response, she texted me an apology — and boy, was it beautiful.
I’m not going to share the details of what she said; however, I am going to tell you three things that it consisted of because it’s what I believe ALL APOLOGIES should entail.
1. She took full ownership for what she believed that she did. I framed this point in this way because, something that everyone needs to forever keep in mind is the fact that two people start and, to a large extent, end relationships — and what I mean by that is, it’s never like one person was perfect and the other was the villain. That said, though, when someone is making an apology to another individual, they are going to own their part and articulate what that part is. It’s not gonna be a simple “My bad.”
It’s going to be “I am really sorry that I wasn’t there for you when you needed me” or “I apologize for taking you for granted” — something that sounds like they get the “offense” that transpired. By doing this, they recognize their missteps — and that is what puts people on the road to not repeating them.
2. She did not deflect or gaslight me. You know what one of the worst apologies are: It’s when someone says they are sorry and then follows it up with, “But you do it too” or “If you hadn’t done ‘A’, I wouldn’t have done ‘B.'” Justifying your actions is a surefire way to make someone believe that you don’t really think that you did something wrong (or that bad) in the first place. And really, how can they trust you (again) if that is how you feel? Oh, and don’t get me on gaslighting.
Ugh, ain’t nothing like someone claiming that they want to set things right with you, only to act like they don’t really get where you are coming from with the issues y’all were having in the first place. A good gaslight line in an apology: “If that is what you think happened, I apologize.” Yeah, you can keep that, jack. Never accept this kind of apology — because it isn’t one.
3. She addressed why she needed to make the apology in the first place. Wanna know one of the main reasons why I don’t trust people who don’t believe in having regrets (check out “Why Regret Might Not Always Be A Bad Thing”)? Did you know that apology means “a written or spoken expression of one's regret, remorse, or sorrow for having insulted, failed, injured, or wronged another.” How, as a human, do you think that you are out here not making any mistakes or poor decisions that you sometimes need to APOLOGIZE for? That is just…insane.
And one of the reasons why apologies are important is because if you feel bad about “failing” someone, it’s usually because you value them enough to want to keep them around. And yes, in my friend’s apology, she also explained why she didn’t want me to feel hurt in the way that she had hurt my feelings and what she would do to prevent that from happening in the first place.
So y’all, with all of this out of the way, before getting deeper into this topic? If an ex is hitting you up to apologize to you for something, please make sure that he hits all three marks of a true apology.
Now let’s keep going.
A Genuine Apology Should Also Include an Amends
GiphyA few years ago, I wrote an article for the platform entitled, “Heads Up: It's NOT An Apology If An Amends Isn't Made.” You know how I mentioned a second ago that a solid apology has no gaslighting in it? Hmph. Ain’t it wild how someone can do something that hurts or harms you and yet, they want you to just “hurry up and get over it”? GASLIGHTING.
Someone in my family, after unpacking years of abuse that I experienced at their hand, they had the nerve to say, “I’m not going to keep apologizing to you for this.” Hmm…Okay. So, how about you let me give you a consistent three months’ worth of the years of mistreatment that I experienced from you and then flippantly throw an apology your way. Let’s see how you feel about it. How much you believe that I am being genuine and sincere.
Listen — and please hear me GOOD on this: when someone really gets the magnitude of the pain or discomfort and inconvenience that they caused, they aren’t going to be fine with just saying that they are sorry for it; they are going to ask you what they can do to set things right.
It’s actually a part of the reason why I named the four children who I aborted (check out “Why I Named The Children I Aborted”) because I do have some real remorse for those decisions. Each of their names have an intentional meaning and I strive to leave out their purpose, through those names, on a daily basis. It’s a small way of making amends.
You know, back when my first book came out, my first love reached out, via email, to send me an apology. The apology hit most of the points that I mentioned earlier. Looking back, there wasn’t an offer to make an amends, though, and trust me, there was A LOT to make up for.
At the end of the day, amends means “reparation or compensation for a loss, damage, or injury of any kind; recompense” and while none of us should use bitterness, resentment or emotional stagnation as the “bar” for which we should expect amends to be made, if you’re trying to figure out just how sincere an ex is with their apology, if they want to do something to make things better, that’s a good sign.
There is a caveat, though.
Discern the Motives. Always.
GiphyEarlier this summer, I wrote an article for the platform entitled, “What's Your Motive For Sex? (It Reveals A Lot. Trust Me.)” Then, a few weeks ago, I wrote another article entitled, “As Cuffing Season Steadily Approaches, What The Heck Is 'Winter Coating'?” and boy, when I tell you that both of these complement this point really well? Goodness.
If you’ve never heard of the dating trend known as winter coating before, it’s basically when an ex creeps back up around cuffing season — and if you know what cuffing season is all about, you can absolutely connect the very probable motives behind those dots.
Now can there be exceptions? There are ALWAYS exceptions. Still, if you haven’t heard from your ex in years and here he comes a couple of weeks before Christmas, unless the two of you got together or broke up around the holidays, stay on potential “winter coating alert,” because it might not be about “building bridges” so much as getting into your bedroom.
That said, if it’s been a minute (six months or more) since you’ve heard from an ex and he suddenly reaches out to apologize, absolutely take out a moment to discern the motive — and shoot, feel fine with even asking what is causing him to make the move…now. If it’s in the spirit of the holidays and wanting to go into a new year with a clean slate, got it. If it’s because he’s been in therapy and realizes that he didn’t end certain things in his past very well, understood. If it’s because he didn’t like how the two of you broke up and he wants to try and make peace, that’s fair.
On the other hand, if you sense that he wants to rekindle something (check out “Nelly And Ashanti Are Giving It Another Shot? Here's What You Should Know About 'Ex Reconciliation'” and “I'm Thrilled That Ryan Destiny & Keith Powers Are Back Together. 5 Things Before Reuniting With Your Ex, Tho.” and “What Happens When 'The One Who Got Away'...Comes Back?”) — although that’s kind of another article for another time, do check that motive.
When someone apologizes, you should really be the only focus for them; not what they can get out of it on the back end. Listen, even if he hopes to get back with you (or back in bed with you), that shouldn’t be something that is discussed during the apology. If it is said or even implied, something about HIS MOTIVE is disingenuous. And if that is indeed the case, to a valid extent, so is he.
We All Should Give the Grace and Mercy That We Desire
GiphySooner than later, I’m going to write an article about forgiveness (beyond what I already have here). For now I’ll just say that if you are someone who thinks that other people don’t deserve forgiveness? That is either your pain or your ego talking and, either way, you can’t trust “their” judgment.
All of us mess up sometimes and if you are a karma (or you reap what you sow) believer, then you absolutely should want to extend others grace and mercy so that you can receive it in your own time of need (and you are absolutely delusional if you think a time won’t come, sooner than you probably think, that you will need it).
Besides, do you know all of the self-inflicted drama and trauma that comes from NOT forgiving others: higher blood pressure, insomnia, stress, anxiety, the higher risk of a heart attack, a weakened immunity, a greater risk for depression and anxiety — whatever he did, is it really worth all of this? Yeah, while a lot of people think that weaponizing forgiveness is empowering, really all it’s doing is putting themselves in harm’s way. Physically. Emotionally. SPIRITUALLY: “For if you forgive men their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive men their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses." (Matthew 6:14-15 — NKJV)
By the way, no one is saying that forgiving that man means that you have to allow him back into your life. After all, access is a privilege. Yet if he comes to you and acknowledges that he feels sorry for some things, for the sake of your own sanity, why not let him express it? Don’t wanna meet up or talk on the phone? Understood. Email and/or text are there for the taking. Don’t want to go back and forth? Who said that it needs to be a discussion or a debate?
All I know is, the more time you spend on this planet, the more you want to put out the energy that you want to come back. Forgiving others tends to make life easier. Not forgiving? Oh, the way that it boomerangs, sometimes in ways you never saw coming, chile. Dodge that kind of experience (and typically hard life lesson) if you can.
Yes, Better Late than Never
GiphyToo late to apologize. Yeah, I don’t really know if there is such a thing (because forgiving and reconciling are not one in the same and some of y’all will catch that later). I’ll wrap this up with a story to prove my point.
Once upon a time, I knew a woman who was in a serious relationship and yet, whenever her boyfriend would bring up the possibility of marriage, she would stall him out. When I finally asked her what her deal was, she explained that she still harbored so much pain from the man before him that she didn’t fully trust that he was the real deal. About five months later, here came her ex with a thorough explanation for why he made some of the decisions that he did while they were together. Now that she had the full story, she was able to heal. She got married to her boyfriend that following year.
You see where I am going with this? Although your ex’s apology might be “late” as far as y’all’s relationship timeline, the timing may be BRILLIANT when it comes to true when and why you actually need it. Yeah, a Scripture that I adore is “Timing is the Father’s business” (Acts 1:7 — Message) and sometimes those apologies, in the grand scheme of things, are more on time than you could ever imagine; they’re when God deems you need them not when you want to have them.
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It is Oprah Winfrey who once said, “True forgiveness is when you can say, "Thank you for that experience” and sis, if you remove the bitterness and anger and look deeper, there were valuable lessons, even in and from the most challenging relationships. And that is worth appreciating through forgiveness and, if need be, full and complete release.
Bottom line, should you accept an ex’s late apology? Absolutely.
What better way to illuminate your present on a whole ‘nother level.
Just as forgiveness always does.
TRUST ME.
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