Can You Scientifically Be 'In Love' With Someone Based On Sex Alone?

What You Should Know About Sexual Chemistry

Listen, I’ll be the first to say that sexual chemistry can be a pretty potent thing. Probably the best way to define it is, when you have an immediate attraction to someone to the point where you feel a desire for them, you want to be close to them, you find yourself flirting with them and looking for reasons to spend more time with them, there is some strong sexual chemistry going on. The thing is, though, if you’re really honest with yourself, what you’re feeling is more about lust than anything else.

And yeah, let’s talk about lust, strictly from a scientific standpoint, for just a moment. Did you know that when you experience the feeling of lust that a part of your brain known as the ventral tegmental area (VTA) is activated? What makes this so powerful is it’s the same area of the brain where reward, pleasure and even addiction are housed.

Then, if you add to all of this the fact that certain neural responses of lust and love actually overlap — this can be a big part of the reason why, when you experience sexual chemistry, it can feel like you may be in love when really…it may just be a really strong level of lust (intense sexual desire or appetite; ardent enthusiasm).

Especially when you factor in all that is going on in your brain whenever you’ve got lust brewing within your system. Starting with three very relevant factors: dopamine, vasopressin and oxytocin.

What Dopamine Does

Last year, when I wrote the article, “Love On The Brain: What Science Says Loving Someone Does To You Mentally” for the platform, one of the things I shared is that, when you love someone, dopamine activates within your system. Dopamine is a neurotransmitter that helps you to feel good; it also motivates you to do certain things.

Well, interestingly enough, when you lust someone, what actually happens is, while your dopamine levels tend to skyrocket, the prefrontal cortex of your brain begins to slow down. Why is this relevant? Because it’s literally the part of your brain that helps you to make plans and decisions.

So, let’s build on all of this: So far, what we know is, if you have some sort of sexual chemistry with someone, the part of your brain that feels pleasure intensifies while dopamine causes you to want to do what feels really good. At the same time, the part of your brain that makes wise decisions tends to deescalate.

Hmm…let’s keep going.

What Vasopressin Does

Something else that is present during lust is vasopressin. Although it’s probably most well-known for being an antidiuretic hormone (ADH) that helps your body to properly process water and regulate your blood pressure, science also reveals that it plays a role in what is known as pair bonding which is what can happen between a mother and child and also two people who have strong feelings for one another; basically, pair bonding cultivates a strong connection between two individuals whether it be love or lust.

And since vasopressin also contributes to feelings of anxiety, feeling happy and angry and preferring certain people over others — this can explain why lust can feel extremely intense (at times).

And still, let’s continue…

What Oxytocin Does

There’s no telling how many times I’ve talked about oxytocin throughout the years (check out “You’ve Got Several Sex Hormones. These Tips Will Help Make Them (& Your Sex Life) Stronger.”), and with a nickname like “the love hormone,” I’m sure you get why/how it plays a role in the whole lust situation as well.

Since oxytocin has a way of making you feel more secure in and content with someone who you are already drawn to and since oxytocin surges, immensely so, during sex (and especially whenever you orgasm) — do you get why what the woman in the intro said to me garnered some side-eye?

Sometimes, we think that we’re in love with “him” when what we’re really in lust with is “it” — it being his genitalia more than anything else. And yes, some of it is directly tied to hormones. Straight up.

Can You “Fall in Love” from a One-Night Stand?

So, with this (scientific) foundation laid, this is where it gets interesting. Beyond your brain and body’s chemical reactions, is it possible to truly fall in love based on lust and acting on it via sex? Well, let’s look at one-night stands as an initial point of reference because, to have sex with someone who you barely know, there’s got to be some sort of sexual chemistry going on…right? Believe it or not, I actually read a study where, out of the individuals who participated in it, 25 percent shared that a one-night stand ended up becoming a bona fide relationship.

Okay, then there are people who have sex on the first date. How many of those end up staying together for a significant amount of time? Well, a study that I read on that revealed that somewhere around 30-40 percent of dating and married couples engaged in copulation within a month of starting their relationship.

In fact, a celebrity couple who actually comes to mind are John Legend and Chrissy Teigen. They had sex on their first date and John has even gone on record that, in hindsight, doing so seems to have helped to strengthen their relationship. Now, he also said that they were on a video shoot for an entire day beforehand which would probably count as a couple of dates…but still…they met in 2006 and have been married since 2013. Facts are facts.

So yeah, if we were to look at the facts, if connections are led with lust, there are times when it can work out (if that is indeed your goal). And, at the very least, you can feel like you’re in love and that may inspire and motivate you to stick around long enough to see if there is anything else that is worth building on — although that would need to be a mutual decision and therein lies a huge part of the gamble.

Always Remember: Love and Lust Are Not the Same Things

Okay, so taking all of what we just tackled into account — can you be scientifically in love with someone based on lust and sex alone? Seems to me like you can feel as if you are; however, you still should take the wise words of Benjamin Franklin into account: “If passion drives you, let reason hold the reins.” (Benjamin Franklin)

And that point makes me think of an article that I once read on Psychology Today’s website entitled, “The 3 Emotions That Hijack the Brain”. The three emotions mentioned were fear, anger and lust and some things that the author said about lust is, “Lust isn’t just about sex. It’s about fixation, reward, and craving. When unchecked, it can lead to compulsive behaviors, distraction, and disconnection… Like fear and anger, lust arrests our attention, narrows our focus, and overrides our judgment. It doesn’t shout like anger or alarm like fear—it whispers. It floods. It seduces…Lust is, in essence, a full-brain event.” Indeed.

Another article that I read, which addressed the differences between love and lust, mentioned the fact that while love is sometimes sexual, lust always is; that while love is driven by emotion, lust is driven by sex; and while love is all about having a romantic, emotional, mental and spiritual connection, lust is purely sexual and physical.

And so y’all — can you truly be in love just because of sex alone? Hmph. That takes me back to why I have never been a fan of the term “make love” in the first place. Personally, I think a lot of people expect sex to do more than it was ever designed to do because, something as MONUMENTAL AS LOVE? As I always say, sex can — and should — absolutely celebrate love; however, make it? Yeah, that’s kinda pushing it (check out “Why We Should Stop Using The Phrase 'Make Love' So Much”).

Lust is exhilarating. Great sex is mind-blowing. And still, love deserves to be honored for being more than a chemical reaction or a turned-out experience.

Can you feel like you want to love someone based on lust or sex? 1000 percent.

Should you wait to see how the two of you get along in other rooms of the house besides the bedroom before throwing the “love” word around like confetti? ABSOLUTELY.

And for the sake of everyone involved, please do.

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