"Just because you have baggage, that doesn't mean you have to lug it around."---Richie Norton
OK. What I'm about to say is super idealistic, but just bear with me for a second. Imagine if all of us waited until marriage before giving our hearts and parts to anyone, we married the person who was our best complement and we remained with them until death parted us. Whew! Nevermind how much the STD, unwanted pregnancy and brokenheartedness rates would become seemingly non-existent, think about how little baggage we'd bring into our dynamic.
If I were on a relationship panel today and the question was, "What's one of the most underrated causes for relational issues and drama?", I would definitely say "baggage". Not just any kind of baggage either. Baggage that a lot of us have as it directly relates to our ex (or exes).
Personally, I think a lot of us carry emotional impediments around because, whenever someone hurts us, we're so focused on not feeling the pain that we don't take the time that we need to heal. Or, we sit up under the total disillusion that what will eradicate the past is starting a future with someone as quickly as possible.
The problem with that oh-so-very-flawed way of thinking is when we don't heal first, it can cause us to A) pick someone who really isn't the best for us; B) sabotage a potentially great relationship or C) idolize our ex when really they need to be totally dismantled from the pedestal we put them on, based on the selective memory about the relationship that we have.
No matter what letter of the alphabet that may apply to you, just like a plane that's trying to soar that has too much luggage on it, if you're carrying a lot of ex baggage around, at the very least, your relationship is gonna see some very turbulent times; at the most, you're gonna help it to crash and burn.
How can you know for sure if you have more ex-man baggage than you should? Girrrl.
You Got into Your Current Relationship Way Too Fast
GiphyIn one episode of a Black web series called PILLOW TALK, a woman who plays the character of a relationships podcaster said this: "Some break-ups can be so debilitating that it can throw off everything in your life. So often we take the emotional devastation caused by our previous lovers into our new relationships, secretly pushing our turmoil and confusion from the last situation onto our new partners. So, my advice would be to wait until you're completely past your last heartache before embarking on a new journey of love. But I know that that's easier said than done, because, I'd be lying if I said a new partner doesn't help you get past an old one."
There's quite a bit of truth to that statement. Although, if I was able to edit it, I would say that a new partner distracts you from doing the work that it takes to get past the old one. Yeah, I am a huge believer that motive reveals a lot—a ton, really—so if you were in a long-term relationship and less than three months later, you're involved with someone new, be honest with yourself. Was it really because true love came out of nowhere or was it because you didn't choose to do the self-work necessary to heal from your past situation?
If it's "B" or even a little bit of Column A and Column B, there is about an 80 percent chance that you're going to bring some sort of baggage into your current relationship. Why? Because, like it or not, there's a part of you that's still emotionally involved with your ex. Just because it's over doesn't mean you're totally over it. Think about it.
You Tend to Put Your Man Through a Constant Series of Tests
GiphyAll of us test people. Not just when it comes to our romantic relationships either. My true confession for the day is when I was in my 20s, if I was beginning a new friendship with someone, I would tell them a lie, just to see if I would hear it back. The bad thing about this lil' test is it was a lie itself. The worse thing is about 45 percent of the time, I would hear it back. Lies on top of lies. SMH.
Usually, testing folks comes as the result of not being able to trust very much. This is especially the case when someone we once loved broke our heart (or just totally showed their tail). But just like most of us hated tests when we were in elementary and high school, no one wants to feel like they are constantly having to prove themselves based on someone else's faux pas.
So yeah, if you're sending the one you're seeing now through a series of tests because someone in your past now makes you want to give everyone in your future the side-eye, not only is it a surefire sign that you've got some baggage, but it's also a pretty good way to drive "current guy" away. If not immediately, eventually.
90 Percent of What Triggers You Has to Do with Your Ex
GiphyThe guy you're seeing now doesn't immediately text back and it pisses you off. If he takes a call while you're sitting together on the couch, you secretly wonder if he's seeing another woman. He can't make it to an office party, so you feel like he's not invested in the relationship. Be real—is all of this really about them being tied into your actual relationship pet peeves or is it that your ex did these things and it reminds you of this very fact?
All of us have triggers. You know what else? All of us can deactivate them. It starts with figuring out exactly what they are and then spending some time figuring out what they are directly tied to. If it's your ex, try and do some healing so that you can be sure that whatever is bothering you about your current relationship is happening in real time…not the past.
You Are Constantly Comparing Your Past with Your Present
GiphyI'm pretty candid about my past. Some might say to a fault. So, most of my boyfriends got the TMI version of my world before they came along. Anyway, when I asked my last boyfriend how he felt about what I made him privy to (especially since he knew a couple of the guys personally), he simply said, "I have no problem with your past, so long as it doesn't become a part of your present."
Hmph. I thought about that when I watched the season finale of the TV series Boomerang. "Simone, why would you go out on a date with your ex (not just an ex but an engaged-to-someone-else ex) when your own boyfriend Bryson is so devoted to you?" That's what I was thinking although I already knew the answer.
Somebody cue Heather Headley's "In My Mind" here, please. A part of the reason why it's a good idea to be single for a while following a break-up is because, until you get your ex out of your system, not only will you probably leave your heart door cracked to them (to some extent), you'll constantly find yourself comparing them to the one you're currently with.
It's kind of like the difference between a wound and a scar. When a wound is fresh and something (or someone) bumps into it, you feel it. When that wound is a scar…you don't. If your ex is a wound in your life, a new man is actually going to cause you to reminisce and compare because your ex is still in your heart and mind. You'll constantly find yourself comparing your past with your present.
Living in the past not only keeps you stuck but it can sabotage your present and future as well.
Something About Your Ex Is Always Referenced in Hard Times
Your relationship with your ex wasn't all bad. If it were, you wouldn't have been with him so long and accumulated so many experiences and memories. Because some of those experiences and memories were good, it's perfectly normal to reflect on them from time to time. Thing is, when you're currently involved with someone else, timing is everything.
What I mean by that is, just because you're with someone new and (hopefully) the relationship is better, healthier and more fulfilling, that doesn't mean you aren't going to experience challenges and maybe even trials. If during those moments, you immediately think back to the happy times with your ex, there are two problems with that. One, you may trick yourself into editing out the bad that caused you to break-up with them in the first place. Two, if you bring them up to your current partner, not only is that deeply offensive, it could cause trust issues.
Issues that could've been avoided if you had chosen to work through the hard times with the one you're with rather than harp on the easier moments with the one you're not…with.
You’re Horrible at Trusting, Forgiving and Vulnerability
A lot of us know that no healthy relationship is able to last without trust. When you trust your partner, it means you give them space, you don't go through their things (including their phone) without their knowledge and permission, you take their word at face value, you aren't threatened by their friendships (including opposite sex friendships)—you get that just because the two of you are a couple, that doesn't mean that either of you should relinquish your individuality. But when an ex betrays your trust on some level, it can take a while for you to trust other people again. You can know if you trust your current partner or not by going down the checklist that I just provided you. Do you?
Trust isn't the only thing that makes for a happy union, though. There's no telling how many relationships could be saved if people learned how to forgive their partner for being just as human as they are or for not making their partner have to knock down wall after wall after wall in order to get to the core of their being.
If you just read that paragraph and jumped defensive because your ex is why you aren't trusting, forgiving or vulnerable in your current relationship, well…you already know what I'm about to say about that…right?
You Are Somehow Unable to Take Things to the Next Level
Don't get it twisted. Men aren't the only ones who struggle with commitment. I know A LOT of women who do as well. That said, if you are fortunate enough to be with a man who truly cares about you and wants to cultivate a long-term commitment but you're dragging your feet and aren't totally sure why…could your ex have something to do with it? If in your mind, you're thinking things like, "The last time I gave my all, I was devastated" or "The last time a man claimed he wanted to be exclusive, he cheated on me", remember that last time isn't this time.
Not too long ago, Boris Kodjoe said something about his approach to his exes that we all could stand to apply to our own. "First of all, if there's too many of those exes, I think you should have a conversation with yourself…for me [running into an ex] is a party every time. Either we're friends still, then there's hugs and kisses. And if not, I dodged a major bullet, so I'm super happy about that. So, there's still hugs and kisses 'cause I'm so grateful that I got you out of my life." YEP!
By adopting Boris's perspective, it will prevent you from giving your ex (or your past with them) so much power in your life that you can't move forward with your present. Because just think about it—out of all the things he did to you, letting him still affect—and infect—you in such a way that you can't move on and forward with your life is probably the worst.
Do you and your future a favor. Let your ex baggage go. TOTALLY GO.
Featured image by Getty Images
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So, we handpicked one hundred It Girls who embody that palpable It Factor moving through us as young Black women, the kind of motion lighting up the world both IRL and across the internet.
It Girl 100 became xoNecole’s most successful program, with the hashtag organically reaching more than forty million impressions on Instagram in just twenty-four hours. Yes, it caught on like wildfire because we celebrated some of the most brilliant and influential GenZennial women of color setting trends and shaping culture. But more than that, it resonated because the women we celebrated felt seen.
Many were already known in their industries for keeping this generation fly and lit, but rarely received recognition or flowers. It Girl 100 became a safe space to be uplifted, and for us as Black women to bask in what felt like an era of our brilliance, beauty, and boundless influence on full display.
And then, almost overnight, it was as if the rug was pulled from under us as Black women, as the It Girls of the world.
Our much-needed, much-deserved season of ease and soft living quickly metamorphosed into a time of self-preservation and survival. Our motion and economic progression seemed strategically slowed, our light under siege.
The air feels heavier now. The headlines colder. Our Black girl magic is being picked apart and politicized for simply existing.
With that climate shift, as we prepare to launch our second annual It Girl 100 honoree list, our team has had to dig deep on the purpose and intention behind this year’s list. Knowing the spirit of It Girl 100 is about motion, sauce, strides, and progression, how do we celebrate amid uncertainty and collective grief when the juice feels like it is being squeezed out of us?
As we wrestled with that question, we were reminded that this tension isn’t new. Black women have always had to find joy in the midst of struggle, to create light even in the darkest corners. We have carried the weight of scrutiny for generations, expected to be strong, to serve, to smile through the sting. But this moment feels different. It feels deeply personal.
We are living at the intersection of liberation and backlash. We are learning to take off our capes, to say no when we are tired, to embrace softness without apology.
And somehow, the world has found new ways to punish us for it.
In lifestyle, women like Kayla Nicole and Ayesha Curry have been ridiculed for daring to choose themselves. Tracee Ellis Ross was labeled bitter for speaking her truth about love. Meghan Markle, still, cannot breathe without critique.
In politics, Kamala Harris, Letitia James, and Jasmine Crockett are dragged through the mud for standing tall in rooms not built for them.
In sports, Angel Reese, Coco Gauff, and Taylor Townsend have been reminded that even excellence will not shield you from racism or judgment.
In business, visionaries like Diarrha N’Diaye-Mbaye and Melissa Butler are fighting to keep their dreams alive in an economy that too often forgets us first.
Even our icons, Beyoncé, Serena, and SZA, have faced criticism simply for evolving beyond the boxes society tried to keep them in.
From everyday women to cultural phenoms, the pattern is the same. Our light is being tested.
And yet, somehow, through it all, we are still showing up as that girl, and that deserves to be celebrated.
Because while the world debates our worth, we keep raising our value. And that proof is all around us.
This year alone, Naomi Osaka returned from motherhood and mental health challenges to reach the semifinals of the US Open. A’ja Wilson claimed another MVP, reminding us that beauty and dominance can coexist. Brandy and Monica are snatching our edges on tour. Kahlana Barfield Brown sold out her new line in the face of a retailer that had been canceled. And Melissa Butler’s company, The Lip Bar, is projecting a forty percent surge in sales.
We are no longer defining strength by how much pain we can endure. We are defining it by the unbreakable light we continue to radiate.
We are the women walking our daily steps and also continuing to run solid businesses. We are growing in love, taking solo trips, laughing until it hurts, raising babies and ideas, drinking our green juice, and praying our peace back into existence.
We are rediscovering the joy of rest and realizing that softness is not weakness, it is strategy.
And through it all, we continue to lift one another. Emma Grede is creating seats at the table. Valeisha Butterfield has started a fund for jobless Black women. Arian Simone is leading in media with fearless conviction. We are pouring into each other in ways the world rarely sees but always feels.
So yes, we are in the midst of societal warfare. Yes, we are being tested. Yes, we are facing economic strain, political targeting, and public scrutiny. But even war cannot dim a light that is divinely ours.
And we are still shining.
And we are still softening.
And we are still creating.
And we are still It.
That is the quiet magic of Black womanhood, our ability to hold both truth and triumph in the same breath, to say yes, and to life’s contradictions.
It is no coincidence that this year, as SheaMoisture embraces the message “Yes, And,” they stand beside us as partners in celebrating this class of It Girls. Because that phrase, those two simple words, capture the very essence of this moment.
Yes, we are tired. And we are still rising.
Yes, we are questioned. And we are the answer.
Yes, we are bruised. And we are still beautiful.
This year’s It Girl 100 is more than a list. It is a love letter to every Black woman who dares to live out loud in a world that would rather she whisper. This year’s class is living proof of “Yes, And,” women who are finding ways to thrive and to heal, to build and to rest, to lead and to love, all at once.
It is proof that our joy is not naive, our success not accidental. It is the reminder that our light has never needed permission.
So without further ado, we celebrate the It Girl 100 Class of 2025–2026.
We celebrate the millions of us who keep doing it with grace, grit, and glory.
Because despite it all, we still shine.
Because we are still her.
Because we are still IT, girl.
Meet all 100 women shaping culture in the It Girl 100 Class of 2025. View the complete list of honorees here.
Featured image by xoStaff
Apparently, there was a Thanksgiving episode that featured all of the friends having dinner together. And y’all, there was simply no way that I was going to mention the latter without shouting out the original (amen?).
Okay, so with that out of the way — Friendsgiving. Something that I appreciate about twists to holidays like this is that it’s a reminder that there is no one way to celebrate special occasions. And so, if, for whatever the reason, you will not or cannot be with family during the holiday season, there are certainly other alternatives at your disposal.
That being said, if the thought of spending time with friends this Thanksgiving is something that you’d like to do, yet you’re not sure how to host it in a way that will make Friendsgiving a fan favorite for your entire circle — I’ve got 10 suggestions that can make the planning process easy as pumpkin (or sweet potato) pie.
1. Position Chrysanthemums or Orchids for Your Table Décor
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Let’s start with décor first. Listen, aside from cleaning up your place, you don’t have to be over the top. If you put together a really nice centerpiece or put a flower at each table setting, honestly, you’re all good. And if you’re someone who is big on details and symbolism, my recommendation would be to go with some chrysanthemums and/or orchids.
When it comes to chrysanthemums, not only are they a peak fall flower, they represent things like friendship and happiness. And orchids? They tend to bloom during the fall and spring seasons and, not only are they about luxury, certain orchid colors also symbolize friendship (for the record, yellow roses symbolize friendship too). Perfect.
2. Incorporate Scents That Cultivate Gratitude
Speaking of cultivating a warm and inviting space, you can never go wrong with scented soy candles — or at least having an essential oil diffuser in a few spots. Some scents that actually help to bring in the spirit of gratitude include vanilla, jasmine, ginger, cedarwood and frankincense.
3. Use Upscale Paper Products to Dine With
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Let’s be real — a lot more of us would probably host events in our home if it wasn’t for the mess that is left behind in our kitchen once the festivities are over. Wanna avoid that? Use paper plates. No, I don’t mean the cheap Styrofoam ones. SMDH. These days, there are paper (and plastic) plate brands that will low-key blow your mind when it comes to how bougie they look. Some that are worth considering are located here, here and here.
4. Handwrite Thank-You Notes (Use Them As Place Settings)
If you’re like Tiffany (from the HBO series Insecure — what a time) was at that memorable dinner party when all hell broke loose between Lawrence and Issa and you’re pretty anal — I mean, particular — LOL — about place settings, it’s a nice touch to pick up some blank thank-you cards that you can write a personalized “I’m thankful for you because…” message in. Place each one where you’d like each friend to sit. They won’t see it coming and it’s a really nice touch.
5. Have Everyone Bring Their Favorite Homemade Dish
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Okay, and what if what has you on the fence about hosting is you don’t feel like doing a ton of cooking? Chile, this is where the concept of having a potluck comes in. Get everyone to bring the dish that they claim they cook the best and make sure to let them know how many individuals you plan on coming (so that they will make enough). You can even make a game out of it by having everyone anonymously vote for the first, second and third best dishes out of the bunch. Take it up a notch by having a prize for each winner.
6. Take a Warm Drink and Dessert Poll Beforehand
You know what isn’t discussed enough about dinner parties? Folks bringing desserts that other people don’t even like. SMDH. You can avoid this from becoming an issue at your Friendsgiving by sending an email (most people prefer that to group chats; let’s be real — and make sure to BCC everyone as well) asking everyone to share what their top three favorite desserts and warm drinks are. Then pick the top 2-3 out of the bunch. That way, you won’t have a ton of (for instance) coffee cake or apple cider lying around that no one even wanted in the first place.
7. Create a Signature Friendsgiving Mocktail and Cocktail
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Speaking of drinks, another way to make your Friendsgiving memorable is to come up with a signature mocktail (for those who don’t consume alcohol) and cocktail. For the mocktail, you can also poll your friends about their favorite mocktail or fruits and come up with a mixture of your own. For the cocktail — although National Friendship Day is actually in August, I did peep that there are certain drinks that have been created in its honor. Some of them are located here for you to do a bit of tweaking on (if you’d like).
8. Ask Everyone to Share Their “Favorite Friend Quality” of Another
You know how it’s customary for everyone to go around and share what they are truly thankful for before having dinner? Well, to continue along with the Friendsgiving theme, have each person share what their favorite friend quality is about the person to their right. If folks are just meeting each other for the first time, instead they can share what they value the most in friendship overall, along with a story of how it was displayed to them personally over the past 12 months.
9. Send Each of Your Guests Home with a Fresh Gratitude Journal
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Wanna send folks home with a nice parting gift? It would be so on-trend to give each of them a gratitude journal. Listen, we are in some crazy times right through here (at least in the States) and so, encouraging your friends to set some time aside, regularly, to think about and then outwardly express what they are grateful for? That helps to keep stress down, keep things in perspective and it reminds us all to maintain a positive mindset as much as possible.
10. Watch a Nostalgic Movie
While everyone is enjoying dessert and drinks, how about watching a movie that brings back fond memories? A list of some of the most popular movies to come out previous Thanksgiving weekends is located here and a list of some favorite Black holiday-themed films can be found here. It’s a way to wind down and share some laughs before everyone heads home.
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Friendsgiving. What a wonderful way to celebrate your friends while also observing Thanksgiving in a way that is totally on your terms. And now that you know how to put it together, what are you waiting for? Hit your friends up and let them know that, whether it’s on actual Thanksgiving Day or a few days before or after, you’ve got a special dinner in mind.
One that has a good time with amazing friends written ALL over it.
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Featured image by PeopleImages/Shutterstock