

5 Women On The Career Mistakes That Made Their Bounce Back Game Strong
Don't you think it's funny that as human beings born imperfect, we despise making mistakes so much? Making mistakes is something that we've been doing since we were given the chance to breathe and which we'll pretty much continue to do for the rest of our lives. It's a character trait that we all share. Yet, it's also something that, oftentimes, we strive to avoid and struggle to forgive ourselves or fail to brag about when we allow it to happen. (Yes, I said "brag about." You read that right.)
Despite the uncomfortable feeling that it can provide us with, I believe that making a mistake is a beautiful thing to do. Although I agree that they can be tougher to learn from, mistakes are impactful life teachers, and the fundamental lessons that they carry with them deserve to be put under the spotlight and passed along rather than being considered as shameful secrets.
If anything, I'm sincerely grateful to have crossed paths with women of color who share this point of view throughout my life. I'm even more grateful to those that recently granted me some of their time to tell xoNecole about their biggest career mistakes, the things they would've done differently, the lessons that they learned, and more.
Jeannette Reyes, 31
Courtesy of Jeannette Reyes
News Anchor for FOX5 DC
Her biggest career mistake and the things she would've done differently:
"I had just turned down a job offer in my dream city because I didn't feel I was good enough for it. For much of my career, I didn't bet on myself because I felt like a fraud and felt like I didn't deserve the position I was in. The handful of times when I did take a leap of faith, it was largely motivated by fear.
"The news director who'd offered me the job was the first to tell me that I was probably experiencing Imposter Syndrome. It was the first time that I'd heard of it. I didn't realize until years into my career that I'd been suffering from it. When it comes to the things that I would've done differently, I believe I would've been intentional about correcting my self-talk earlier in my career.
"Our minds have a way of emphasizing mistakes to fit a certain narrative and minimizing our successes as just luck. I was often my worst enemy in that respect. It took the joy out of a lot of things when it came to any accolades or promotions I got."
What the journey to access resilience looked like:
"My rock bottom wasn't so much physical as it was spiritual and emotional. I had spent so much of my life being motivated by fear and the desire to prove to myself that I was worthy of my accomplishments, I found myself chasing after the wrong things. Although I'd achieved everything I set out to do, I still wasn't satisfied.
"I put in some serious work to address my negative mindset, my source of motivation, what my fears were, whether they were legitimate or not, and what I found to be fulfilling. It was a tough few months for me during which I had to get reacquainted with myself all over again and that has shown me that you can have everything you've dreamed of and still be unhappy. Happiness and fulfillment should be found within."
The lessons that she learned from making this mistake and her advice:
"When you suffer from Imposter Syndrome, you're less likely to advocate for yourself, go after a certain higher salary, negotiate a higher salary, etc. because you're convinced that you're lucky to even be there. Not to mention that you experience a constant fear of being 'exposed', so it feels best to lay low.
"However, I've learned that we shouldn't be ashamed to be our biggest fans. Self-talk is powerful. We often wouldn't speak to a friend—even a stranger—the way we speak to ourselves. So, my advice is mainly to give yourself some grace and know that you've earned whatever successes come your way."
"What helped me was having a mentor who is just as much a spiritual mentor to me as a professional one. During my most insecure moments, she would figuratively hold a mirror up to me to show me who I really was and remind me of the things I had accomplished despite what I'd been through. Our self-image can be so distorted, sometimes it takes someone else to remind us of who we really are."
Follow Jeannette on Instagram @msnewslady.
Alisha Robertson, 32
Courtesy of Alisha Robertson
Business Coach
Her biggest career mistake and the things she would've done differently:
"One of the biggest mistakes that I've made was chasing someone else's idea of success versus focusing on what I felt I was called to do [and] listening to all of the marketing gurus and making products that I wasn't excited about because that's what I thought would make me successful. Because of that mistake, I suffered from severe burnout which, in return, pushed me into starting over in my business so that I could do it the right way.
"If I could go back, I would've spent more time figuring out what I wanted and developing actionable steps that would get me closer to that dream. I would've set boundaries around my work and my clients, and would have leaned more on the marketing strategies that were working for me versus attempting to do all the things."
What the journey to access resilience looked like:
"I truly believe that just because you hit rock bottom, it doesn't mean that you're supposed to stay there. I figured that, even if I needed to shift and start over, I could easily build another successful business again. So I took the time that I needed to rest and get back to myself mentally. Only then did I get back to work. I spent about a year just getting clear on what I wanted as well as the impact that I wanted to make. I also spent that time working through and trying out different business models.
"That's what entrepreneurship is about—taking the time to experiment and see what works and then building on whatever results you receive. Eventually, I figured out something that stuck. I felt some guilt at first and was down on myself for a while but I always kept going back to my 'why'."
"That bigger reason for doing what I do is what got me up every day even when I wanted to throw in the towel. But I also knew that one day, that experience would be a huge part of the story that I tell today."
The lessons that she learned from making this mistake and her advice:
"There are three major lessons that making this mistake taught me:
- To get clear on what my desire and the way I want to impact the world and those around me;
- To not be afraid to shift and pivot if it'll help me get closer to my ultimate goal;
- To trust my gut and stay consistent with putting that mission out there. That's what will help separate me from the others.
"If I had a piece of advice, it'd be to keep your eyes on your own path. And as you go through your journey, always take time to reconnect with your 'why' and your ultimate goal to ensure that you're on the right track of building your business your way. There isn't anything wrong with pivoting but make sure that those changes are what you want and not what everyone else wants for you."
Follow Alisha on Instagram @thealishanicole.
Keyera Williams, 27
Courtesy of Keyera Williams
Producer at Westbrook Inc.
Her biggest career mistake:
"My biggest mistake so far was probably not understanding what my actual value is and not advocating for more. I've had a few jobs in the past where I knew what I was bringing to the table but was afraid to ask for a bigger salary thinking that, in return, I'd get reprimanded or have that opportunity taken from me.
"I've said 'yes' to a lot of opportunities below my pay grade because I felt like I should simply be grateful for the opportunity. I remember working 50+ hours a week and barely being able to pay my rent."
"As a Black woman, you're constantly being force-fed just enough and told that you raise trouble if you complain or advocate for more. I'm all about good trouble, and it's taught me how to advocate for myself or either to go somewhere else where I'm valued."
What the journey to access resilience looked like:
"That journey is still ongoing, to be honest. There are days where I still feel like I'm not good enough or I don't believe that my voice matters because I've spent time in places where I was constantly treated as such. It's a journey that includes a lot of therapy, self-evaluation, and just learning how to move forward.
"Moreover, I believe that there's no such thing as a last opportunity. What's for you is for you, and when you walk in your purpose, opportunities will keep presenting themselves to you."
The lessons that she learned from making this mistake and her advice:
"I've learned that if I don't know what I'm worth, no one else will remind me. It's important to know your worth not just in regard to the dollar amount, but also when it comes to your mental health and quality of life. I've also learned to not be afraid to reach out to mentors or ask questions to find out if something is normal within the industry I work in [and] moreover, to recognize when a person, place, or opportunity is no longer serving me or pushing me toward the person and the creative I want to become.
"As for my advice, unfortunately, there will be jobs that you have to take to get your foot in the door. The money won't always be great, but take advantage of these opportunities to prove your value and your capabilities so that when you move on, you have work to show and can also negotiate what you're worth."
"Lastly, check the market. See what people occupying the same position as you in your field are making and advocate for the same—if not more based on your education and experience."
Follow Keyera on Instagram @keywilliamss.
Chi Ilochi, 21
Courtesy of Chi Ilochi
Founder of StylingByChi | Fashion Stylist & Image Consultant
Her biggest career mistake and the things she would've done differently:
"One of the biggest mistakes I've made in my career is not understanding the power of 'no'. I would oftentimes stretch myself thin because I thought my value came from being able to deliver when people needed me. This mistake resulted in stress and exhaustion because I had so much on my plate. I couldn't even hang with my girls or have a brunch date.
"Of course, not knowing how to say 'no' resulted in more opportunities career-wise, but it also resulted in an unhealthy amount of stress that wouldn't allow me to capitalize on those opportunities. Knowing what I know now, I would've said 'no' more often, and taken more time to understand the saying, 'What's for me is meant for me.'"
What the journey to access resilience looked like:
"My journey to access resilience was one of the loneliest periods of my life. I had to take the time out to sit with myself and my mistakes so I could learn the right way to show myself grace.
"I knew that little progress would be made if I spent my reflection period beating myself up about my mistakes. Instead, I forgave myself for what I did wrong while reaffirming myself for the things I did right."
"It took me about two years to navigate this hard process but once I completed it, I realized that I am far more capable than I thought I was. I am not my mistakes and I don't have to identify with them."
The lessons that she learned from making that mistake and her advice:
"I've learned that your value isn't found in how much work you can fit on your plate, it's in who you are as an individual and the quality of your work. Therefore, work at the pace that works for you and remind yourself that success isn't found in your ability to overextend yourself. These two lessons shifted my mindset from scarcity to abundance."
"It's hard to do better and be better when you've conditioned yourself to operate out of scarcity. Abundance requires vulnerability, and my lessons have taught me that it's OK to be vulnerable. It's OK to say, 'Hey I've got too much on my plate right now.' One thing that I know for sure is that when you allow yourself to be vulnerable, the opportunities flow abundantly and stress becomes a thing of the past."
Follow Chi on Instagram @Igbohippie_.
Ponchitta Lanoue, 46
Courtesy of Ponchitta Lanoue
Beauty Entrepreneur
Her biggest career mistake and the things she would've done differently:
"I decided to start a business to offset some of the unhappiness I felt in my personal life and career. But while building the latter, I made some of the worst decisions which only made my life harder.
"I would say that the most detrimental mistake was taking all the money that I had to put it into my business and not knowing where to put it or where to invest."
"I started my business with my savings of $20,000 and then my brother invested $5,000. I blew through the money in less than eight months. For five years, I was flat broke because of that [and] a bitter divorce that left me empty-handed. My business was surviving on a wing and a prayer.
"If I could do it all over again, instead of buying too many product categories and not being able to sell them, I would have launched with four lip colors and sold the hell out of them until my lipstick line paid for the next category. I would have bought $100 Facebook and Google ads each month to promote the brand and sell the products. I would have focused less on investors or trying to get capital and would've been more worried about figuring out what exactly it was that my customers wanted from me. However, as difficult as it got at times, I honestly don't think I would've wanted to do anything differently. I needed to grow through those growing pains."
What the journey to access resilience looked like:
"So many times we don't want to grow because we fear change and failure. Change is the catalyst that pushes us into action. Failure is the impetus that propels us into destiny if we are wise enough to keep going."
"I had to move in with my mother to bounce back. It has taken me six years to recover from those two major life-changing events. I thought I would never recover from the financial losses that I experienced as a result. For the longest time, I was hard on myself because I could not believe that I allowed myself to be in this situation. It seemed like I was always starting over. It caused me to go into a deep depression. I was even angry at times. A conversation that I had with my grandmother years ago helped me pick myself up and dust myself off. After that, I was able to forgive myself and give myself more grace."
The lessons that she learned from making that mistake and her advice:
"Those experiences made me stronger and wiser. Eventually, I came to understand that money isn't the answer to all problems. You can have a lot of money, but if you don't know what to do with it, then all that you have is a lot of money—no direction. The major lesson, however, was learning the power that I possess. I don't need 1 million followers to define my success. A solid group of 100 to 300 customers can easily keep the lights on and sustain a business.
"My advice is to start small and then promote your products all day every day. Define your target audience and sell to them specifically. Don't worry about being popular, but find influencers that can be brand ambassadors for your products or services. Be frugal and watch every single dime. Do not focus on money or a man; instead, make sure that you're never in a position to depend on a man for happiness or finances."
Follow Ponchitta on Instagram @ponchcosmetics.
Featured image courtesy of Alisha Robertson
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The most Gemini woman you'll ever meet. Communications & community enthusiast, I run a media platform centered around spirituality, and I'm always looking to connect with fellow creatives. Follow me on Instagram & Twitter @savannahtaider
This post is in partnership with Ulta Beauty.
Gone are the days where we prioritize “the grind” over our own wellbeing. #Teamnosleep is canceled. Millennial women are prioritizing themselves and their rest above all else, and we love to see it. We’re seeing proof of this powerful shift everywhere we look, but especially in the #softlife hashtag that’s been trending all over social media. The soft life movement is all about pursuing the path of least resistance, choosing ease over struggle, and relaxing in your vulnerability.
xoNecole and Ulta Beauty have identified six beauty influencers who are fully embracing the “soft life.” They’re rejecting the notion that their worth is measured by their professional output, how many followers they have, or how hard they’re hustling. Each of these creative powerhouses has learned to make self-care a non-negotiable in their lives while walking into the fullness of their most authentic selves. There will always be a demand for more content amidst the ever-changing algorithms, but as influencers like Tiffany Renee, Caitlyn Davis, and Alanna Doherty know all too well, you can’t properly show up for others until you fully show up for yourself first.
Read all about how these six beauty influencers are approaching the soft life on their own terms.
Caitlyn Davis
Hometown: Atlanta, GA
Can’t live without products:primer, micellar water, and curl cream
As a full-time content creator and founder of the college clothing label HBCU Yearbook, Caitlyn Davis is no stranger to hard work. She started gaining followers while attending undergrad at FAMU, filming natural hair tutorials for YouTube in her dorm room. From there, she steadily picked up ambassador gigs for popular online fashion and beauty brands. “[They were] paying us around $300 a month,” she remembers. “I thought I was doing something with my money. I was like, ‘What? I'm getting paid to do something that I love?’ It became a snowball effect.”
After linking up with a cousin who had just become a makeup artist, Caitlyn fell in love with the idea of creating beauty content. “Beauty just elevates your personality,” she tells xoNecole. “And because it does that, you just feel better about yourself. And when you do that and show other people and they start learning and getting better at makeup and beauty, their personality and confidence starts to elevate as well.”
Caitlyn admits that maintaining a healthy work-life balance doesn’t come easy for her. She’s a self-proclaimed workaholic who takes pride in her business. “[I’ve learned] the soft life is working hard for what you want but knowing we're deserving of the best life has to offer, including rest.” When life gets overwhelming, she turns to the great outdoors. “I go on hikes,” she says. “There’s something about being in nature, being grounded, hearing birds, the trees moving, and water [flowing] that immediately de-stresses me."
Tiffany Renee
Hometown: Knoxville, TN
Can’t live without products:brow pencil, leave-in conditioner, and vitamin C serum
Tiffany Renee grew up on a farm in Tennessee, where her first introduction to the world of beauty and fashion came via Tyra Banks. The smizing supermodel’s competition series “America’s Next Top Model” drew this southern girl in. “Beauty wasn't really a thing [in the environment I grew up in],” she says. “So I've got to give it to Tyra. A lot of my posing and wearing my makeup a certain way had a lot to do with Tyra and how she coached those models. As I got older and started experimenting more with makeup, I just grew to love it more and more.” Tiffany says she sharpened her makeup skills by learning one thing at a time, starting with winged eyeliner. Next brows, and then lashes. Along the way, she made it a point to develop the techniques that worked for her face rather than copying and pasting from YouTube tutorials.
After moving to Atlanta in 2012, Tiffany began to rack up followers on Instagram with her beauty, hair, and fashion content. She even created an online community called “Curl Gang,” which celebrates the beauty and versatility of natural hair. With all she’s accomplished, Tiffany says she’s most proud of shedding her tough exterior and learning to be vulnerable. “My life has been pretty tough, so that made me a tough woman,” she tells xoNecole. “In my relationships, I've always had this tough persona on the outside, but really, I'm internally very much a soft person.
“For me, taking on the soft life was doing the work to break that mold, and accept that it's okay to be vulnerable,” she continues. “It's okay to be expressive. It's okay to love people. It's not just about the tasks of my life, but more so about my well-being. I’m actively deciding not to hold onto things that make me [have to] be tough.”
For self-care, Tiffany likes to pour herself a nice glass of wine and, if all else fails, throw on a quick beat. “I definitely tap into the motto that if you look good, you feel good.”
Kinya Claiborne
Hometown: Napa, California
Can’t live without products: red lipstick, clip-in extensions, and moisturizer
They say if you love what you do, you’ll never work a day in your life. Kinya Claiborne is living proof. This lifestyle influencer has a professional resume that would make any recruiter salivate. She’s worked in print, television, and radio, and has even overseen public relations for billion-dollar projects. But like all creatives at heart, there came a point in her career where she felt a calling elsewhere. “My job wasn't sexy,” she admits. “I still loved my job and I loved working in corporate America, but there was a void. There were other things that I also loved that my job wasn't fulfilling.”
Inspired by the DailyCandy newsletters she used to read in college, Kinya launched her own lifestyle magazine called Style & Society which covers fashion, beauty, health, wellness, entertainment, travel - all the things Kinya loves. What started as a creative outlet turned into a booming business. Her readers wanted to know more about her, which led her to posting photos of herself inside her stories. “I started Style & Society back in 2013. The term influencer didn't exist back then. Brands started contacting me and wanting me to do product placements and campaigns. That's how my social media following started growing. Then eventually, the term influencer came about, and at that point, I had already been doing it.”
As you can tell from her Instagram, Kinya is always well put together. Her early beauty memories include getting her hair done at the salon with her mom and wearing different lipstick colors to school. Kinya says she’s always been a girly girl. but she’s as resilient as they come. The Northern Californian survived the Route 91 festival shooting in 2017. She also lost her brother to suicide. From her perspective, being soft isn’t just about pampering yourself, but showing up for those around you. “You can't just look at someone and know how they're feeling,” she says. “It’s so important to check in, because even a phone call, text message, or just saying hello to a stranger could really change their path.”
Taylor Winbush
Hometown: Jacksonville, Florida
Can’t live without products:brow pencil, deep conditioner, and moisturizer
For Taylor Winbush, presentation is everything. Embracing that belief has gotten her far. “My mom would always say ‘dress how you want to be treated,’” she says. “She would always dress up to go to the grocery store, making sure her hair was always done, and she was fresh-faced. She taught me that when you look better, you feel better.”
As a dancer and theater performer, Taylor got to hone in on her makeup skills early. “I remember even from a young age, when I used to take ballet classes, they would make you do your makeup way in the back of the mirror to make sure you'd be able to see it [far from the stage].” After moving to Atlanta in 2019 to pursue a career in acting and commercial modeling, Taylor discovered she could book more gigs if she added “content creator” to her resume. As a beauty lover, it came naturally to her, and it’s paid off tenfold.
At the start of the year, Taylor stepped out on faith and decided to work for herself full-time. She acknowledges that it’s a risk, but nothing a little discipline can’t manage. “As long as I'm doing my part, then I truly and firmly believe that God will handle the rest.”
Aside from constantly developing her self-discipline, Taylor says she’s embracing the soft life by taking care of her physical and spiritual temple. “I'm a super giving person, so I would give a lot of my time to friends and family, making sure everyone else is taken care of before me,” she says. “There's a saying that if you help someone build their sandcastle first, then what will you have left to build? I’m learning you have to take care of yourself first in order for you to help someone else.”
Thamarr Guerrier
Hometown: Jacksonville, FL
Can’t live without products:liquid eyeliner, SPF spray, and satin bonnet
Fashion and beauty haven’t always been a welcoming world for curvy women, but that hasn’t stopped influencer Thamarr Guerrier from accepting her rightful seat at the table. This bubbly and effervescent content creator started her lifestyle blog, Musings of a Curvy Lady, back in 2012 on her lunch break working as a nurse. “I started [my blog] as a way to promote personal style and beauty in this body of mine,” Thamarr shared on her site. “Visibility matters and you’re going to see me. I’m going to take up all the space and bring my own chair to the table.”
Thamarr’s beauty memories stem all the way back to childhood. “I was obsessed with watching my mother do her hair and makeup in the mirror,” she says. “I played dress-up in her clothes and would sneak and put on her mascara. I just couldn’t wait to be old enough to wear lipstick.”
If you peep her IG feed, you’ll notice Thamarr documents her globetrotting in head-turning looks that will make you want to book a one-way ticket to your nearest island. But it’s actually not her extravagant travel experiences that bring her the most peace. It’s the little things, like sipping a glass of wine during her skincare routine as Kacey Musgraves plays in the background. “After a shower, I always feel a little better, especially after a crummy day,” she tells xoNecole. “It’s also my favorite place to shed a tear or two. After my literal and sometimes emotional cleanse, I feel renewed. I talk positively to myself as I pamper myself with my favorite products. Taking the time and being purposeful as I go.”
Thamarr’s interpretation of “the soft life” is to live and love in a way that makes her inner being the happiest. “If it brings me peace, it’s the soft life for me.”
Alanna Doherty
Hometown: Bridgetown, Barbados
Can’t live without products:mascara, leave-in conditioner, and SPF
It’s hard not to feel a spark of joy when you browse through Alanna Doherty’s IG page. It’s chock-full of Alanna dressed to the nines in bright psychedelic patterns. Her lush ‘fro bounces back and forth in all its glory as Alanna jams to her favorite tunes. Alanna is happiness personified, but her initial introduction to beauty was quite the opposite. “I started loving makeup and beauty products because I felt they were necessary in order to cover up my insecurities,” she tells xoNecole. “I’m finally starting to truly fall in love with them this year. I no longer need a full face of makeup to make me feel good. I’m perfectly happy going without any at all now, but love that I have the option to play with makeup. It’s more of a creative process now and I LOVE that!”
Alanna’s bold and colorful aesthetic is brave and inspiring. And when it comes to the soft life, she’s honest enough to admit that she’s figuring it out along the way. “For years I’ve been putting my own self-care behind work and I’m now starting to realize its importance in my life,” she says. “I’ve still got a long way to go but ‘the soft life’ to me would be creating the space to focus on myself and taking the time to enjoy it. I see long walks along the beach, spas, more hot yoga, and relaxing on the balcony.”
Featured image courtesy of Tiffany Renee
Ask Yourself The Following 7 Questions Before Calling It Quits
(Some of y’all) can hate on the Tubi app if you want to, but if there’s one thing that it’s gonna do (for free, I might add), it's bring up some memories of shows that you haven’t thought about for a hot minute. Take the Black indie seriesSexless and its spin-off,Chef Julian, for example. The realness of the writing, along with the way the shows overlap, is truly a — pardon the pun — chef’s kiss.
So much, in fact, that the character Wendy had me triggered all over again as I binge-watched both shows recently. I mean, c’mon — who dates best friends and then tries to play victim while doing so? Yeah, accountability is a lost art in both reality and fiction, in art and in life. SMDH.
As again, I watched her try and navigate through both relationships as she strived to figure out which man would truly be the best fit for her, I thought about a question that I get emailed on a semi-regular basis. When you’ve been with someone for a while, when you have deep and profound feelings for them, and when you’re not sure if you’re just being “extra” or something really is “off” in the relational dynamic — how do you know if it’s time to stay vs. when it’s time to go?
Before we get all up into this, let me just say that I’m addressing this particular topic from the angle of NOT being married. Because I personally think that the covenant of marriage is way more sacred and serious than a dating situation, I would be giving some different advice for husbands and wives. Also, I’m not including the topic of abuse (neglect included) because I’m hoping it goes without saying that if any type or level of that is transpiring, you definitely need to bring things to a swift and permanent end.
With all of that out of the way, today, we’re going to explore seven questions that you should ask yourself in the instance that you just can’t seem to “scratch the itch” on whether you should remain with your bae…because while nothing is actually “bad,” things are not as good as they used to be either. And since time is precious and you don’t want to waste it, you want to make sure that you’re right where you’re supposed to be.
Are you ready to (hopefully) gain more clarity than you had before clicking on this article? Let’s do this.
1. Do I Get That Even Relationships Have “Seasons”?
Ecclesiastes 3 starts out talking about the fact that there are times and seasons for everything. And you know what? Relationships are not exempt. The reason why I’ve written articles for the site like “The ‘Seasons Of Sex’ That Married People Go Through” is because everything in this life has seasons — you know, periods when things shift. When it comes to the weather, whether we like the season that we’re in or not, we simply adjust because…what choice do we have?
Oh, but when it comes to relationships, so many of us have been conditioned to think that things are supposed to remain one way (usually the way we want it to be), without fluctuating, the entire time, that when there is a season of distance, disconnect or misunderstanding, we automatically believe it’s our cue to bounce instead of taking some time to process if it’s simply a period for communicating, maturing and learning more about our partner.
Listen, there is no way that people can grow without it affecting those around them, especially the ones whom they are closest to. So, before you decide to end things with your significant other, talk to them about what’s going on so that both of you can figure out if you’re going through an unfamiliar or uncomfortable season or if things are transitioning in a way where the relational dynamic no longer serves one or both of you.
Because I’ll tell you what — the people who have mastered longevity in relationships know that just like the weather, sometimes there are things that you have to learn to be flexible about…because even if you’re not thrilled with how certain things are at the moment, just like the weather, oftentimes, those things will change. Just like summer isn’t forever and fall comes in due time.
Plus, if you’re someone who can adapt well, there are pros and cons with different seasons, too. For instance, if this is a season when your partner is working more hours or traveling more than usual, if the goal is to get promoted or stack bread, the extra time that you have for yourself could help you to create some more long-term or short-term goals, pick up a hobby or do some self-work. Then, by the time things level back out, you’ll both be better people because of the “season.” See what I mean?
2. Did I Go into This with Unrealistic or Unfair Expectations?
I’m gonna tell you, right out the gate, what an unrealistic or unfair expectation is: If you thought that things were always gonna go your way or you were gonna get what you want right when you want it. I can’t tell you how many people have pretty much worn me out in counseling sessions, and it’s all because they thought a relationship was a catering service — that them being happy all of the time was to be the top priority and non-negotiable goal.
WRONG.
Something that wisdom, maturing, and self-reflection will teach you is that one of the main purposes of a relationship is to be with someone you love, respect, enjoy, trust, and can rely on to help you become a better person as you do the same for them. And no, that is not always going to be a fairy tale. In fact, I have said on many occasions that I loathe fairy tales (for adults) because I know what they mean: a story told to children and/or an incredible and misleading account. And don’t even get me started on the women who profess that they are waiting on their Prince Charming. After all, the Bible tells us that “charm is deceitful” (Proverbs 31:30).
Does this mean that you shouldn’t expect to have your needs — and even some of your wants — met? Of course, you should. Yet your needs need to make (reachable) sense. And honestly, a lot of folks could stand to ask themselves if they are able to give their partner all of the things that they expect from them (because many cannot).
So, what are some examples of unrealistic/unfair expectations?
- Expecting your partner to think just like you do
- Expecting your partner to read your mind
- Expecting love to mean that you won’t have to compromise
- Expecting your partner to give above their means
- Expecting your partner to be the sole source of your happiness
- Expecting your partner to love you more or better than you love yourself
- Expecting your partner to put their own needs in jeopardy just to meet yours
- Expecting your partner to always agree with or concede to you
- Expecting your relationship to always have good times and no challenges
- Expecting your partner to be the only one to make sacrifices
- Expecting every expectation to be met
I really was on a roll while writing these out, yet I’m sure you get the gist. Being in a relationship with another human being means that they have their own opinions, perspectives, and expectations — and they aren’t always going to match yours. And so, if you think that the sign of a healthy relationship is that they should, you really should be alone instead of trying to be with someone else. Because that way of thinking is the most unrealistic of them all.
3. Are We Incompatible or Am I Just Impatient?
When you get a chance, please read, “If He's Right For You, He Will COMPLEMENT Your Life.” In another article, I’ll be addressing why love is not enough in relationships. For now, one of the reasons why that is the case is because you can LOVE a lot of people who you simply cannot DO LIFE with. That’s why it really is important to seriously ponder if you and he are compatible or not.
To be compatible means that you share similar values, have like-minded relational goals, want the same long-term things out of life, have at least some of the same interests, and complement each other well when it comes to things like communication and meeting each other’s needs.
Listen, I’ve loved a few men in my life where these boxes did not check off, and because of our feelings for each other, we stayed together far longer than we ever should’ve.
At the same time, what if you are compatible with someone, but you’re just impatient as hell? I’ve been watching the current season ofReady to Love, and there are some women on there who are mad pushy when it comes to the clock. Personally, I don’t even know how you can hop on a show where you just met some dudes and roll up on them talking about how you want to be married by the end of the year. Yeah, it’s another message for another time, the amount of people who are tied to a goal more than a person.
Anyway, sometimes your partner can be in the same chapter as you (love story-wise) yet still not necessarily on the same page. Meaning, say that you want to be married this year, and he wants to wait until this time next year — are you contemplating ending things without considering his frame of mind? Maybe he wants to save money. Maybe he’s trying to secure some things professionally first. Maybe he wants to give you the kind of wedding (and ring) you want without relying on credit to get it.
It's one thing to end a relationship because you both want different things out of life. Oh, but it’s completely different to bounce because you’re used to folks giving into your pressure, ultimatum, or time frames. I’m not the one who thinks that a good man is hard to come by; I know many. I do think finding YOUR FIT isn’t as easy as you might believe, though.
A Canadian writer by the name of Janette Oke once said, “Impatience can cause wise people to do foolish things,” and, to that, the Good Book says that “Loveis patient” (I Corinthians 13:4). If you’re gonna end something, make sure it’s because the puzzle pieces don’t fit; not because you’re too impatient to see how the pieces will create a beautiful picture…when the time is right.
4. Do I Still Love, Like and Respect Him?
The married couples whom I work with know that I live by a certain, I guess you can call it a motto: “If you still like each other, you can get back to love.” Liking someone is about enjoying their personality, wanting to spend time with them, and having feelings that are rooted in friendship, acceptance, and appreciation. When those things are present and accounted for, all of the butterflies, googly eyes, and sheer lust that the feelings of love may provide — they can usually get you through the seasons when those feelings seem to be missing.
And respect? Listen, a lot of women get triggered by the fact that the Bible instructs husbands to love their wives while telling wives to respect — respect, not love — their husbands (Ephesians 5:33), yet you know what? If you’re gonna be real with yourself, you know that it’s hard to love a man who you don’t respect — who you don’t esteem. We’re simply not wired to trust a man who we don’t think will be a good provider, protector, and leader on some level.
Confession time: I stayed in a relationship with someone who I really liked, kind of loved, and absolutely did not respect (as a man) for quite some time, once upon a time. And all it did was make me resentful and him insecure — and that was a form of mental and emotional torture for both of us.
You’re not doing a man any favors by staying with him if you don’t respect him. And it doesn’t make sense to try and build a future with someone who you don’t like a ton. As far as love goes, love is a beautiful thing — very. All I’m saying is, like, love and respect are a package deal when it comes to how we see a man. If one of those things is missing, ask yourself why and then be honest about if anything can be done to change how you’re feeling or…not.
5. What Would Improve About My Life If I Leave?
This right here. Although this article is for people who are dating and not married, I do think it would be beneficial to put on record that, on average, somewhere between 30-40 percent of people regret getting a divorce. I think one of the main reasons is because the person you were when going into a marriage isn’t the person you are leaving it. You’re older. Dating dynamics in society have changed (and are ever-changing). You probably have a different set of life circumstances that may make dating more challenging (for instance, you may have kids now, and it takes a very special person to be a good potential stepparent).
Unfortunately, a lot of people will leave a relationship without considering this, only to have the ice-cold water of reality hit them smack dab in the face.
Now listen, I will be the first person to say that one of the major perks of dating is you don’t have to try and put the same effort into your relationship as married folks do. In fact, all of these non-engaged folks who spend months and years in couples therapy to try and make things work? Unless you’re someone who is in a long-term relationship with no desire to ever get married (check out “12 Couples Reveal Why They're Happy With A Long-Term Commitment Instead Of Marriage”), I don’t even get why you’re going through all of the trouble (or is it drama?). Some people have acted married before marriage so often, they don’t take marriage seriously enough when it finally does happen for them. SMDH.
This is where this particular question comes in. When you’re just dating, you really don’t have to hold on for dear life. You’re not “failing” if you realize that someone really is awesome — just not the right or best fit for you. And the reason why you know this is because you can actually name more than three ways that your life would get better if you left them alone.
Maybe you’d feel less stressed out. Maybe you’d have more time to focus on some personal ambitions. Maybe you’re compromising some core values that you want to get back to. Maybe they have you questioning some things about yourself that you know you shouldn’t be. Sometimes it’s as simple as maybe you’re feeling like something/one is better for you, and you know you won’t find them while you’re still…where you’re at.
This particular question really is underrated on a lot of levels because, while a lot of people are out here ending relationships on an emotional impulse, when you know that you’re leaving because you have a literal list of how your life would improve if you did dip out, that makes grieving the relationship less painful and finding closure, on some levels, less necessary (as far as dragging things out are concerned).
6. What Would Be Beneficial If I Stay?
If something (or one) isn’t making you better, it’s either keeping you stagnant or making you worse, and you know what? Neither of those are good. So yeah, it’s also wise to ask yourself how you would benefit — mind, body, and spirit — to stay where you’re at. And honestly, one of the best ways to figure out the answer to this question is to fully take in a relationship-based quote that I have shared on the platform before:
“As soon as the love relationship does not lead me to me, as soon as I in a love relationship do not lead another person to himself, this love, even if it seems to be the most secure and ecstatic attachment I have ever experienced, is not true love. For real love is dedicated to continual becoming.” (Leo Buscaglia)
When something (or someone) benefits you, they are helpful, they are useful, they are constructive. No, this does not speak to transactional dating (which is oftentimes very self-centered and mercenary); what this means is they are improving your quality of life — prayerfully, on several levels. And no, this does not mean that everything is easy all of the time, either.
Sometimes, what helps you is constructive criticism. Sometimes what’s useful for you is being challenged in ways you’ve never been before. Sometimes what’s constructive is learning how to be more flexible, understanding, and forgiving (umm, like you would want your partner to be towards you…right?).
So, just like you should ask yourself how you would get better if you left, be real about how you are becoming better by staying. This is where a good old-fashioned pros and cons list comes in super handy. If the “improve” outweighs the “beneficial,” if you know that you are not becoming more of who you need to be thanks, in part, to the influence of the relationship…well…I’m sure you get what I’m about to say…about that.
7. Have I Been Here Before?
A wise person once said, “Everywhere you go, there you are” and boy, can it be a hard pill to swallow sometimes. Something else that I’m a firm believer in is that the universe will keep you in the same “life class” for decades if needed, until you learn whatever it is that a particular lesson is trying to teach you. So, one more question: Before you decide to call it quits, how many times have you been in this same spot — the same kind of relationship? The same type of guy? The same kind of issues? The same type of break-up?
Because there is absolutely no point in abruptly chalking it up to, “It was all his fault…again,” just so you can find another man to say this about in another six months or a year. If you’ve been here before, take some time out to do some serious self-pondering as to why.
__________
Every action has a reaction; I’m pretty sure that you’ve heard that saying at least once before — and when it comes to ending a relationship, it is most definitely true. If you’re wondering if you should, honestly, that’s already a feeling that is trying to tell you something. However, now that you’ve read all of this, hopefully, you can take some actions that you will feel at peace about…and won’t regret.
Because if you’re gonna end something, it’s a good idea to know why, so you can feel truly at peace about doing it — and yes, I’m speaking from very up close and personal experience here. Get your internal answers. Move wisely from there, sis.
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