It doesn't have the shame and stigma from say, 20 years ago, but let's keep it real - divorce is still a very traumatic experience. It's even more problematic, when you are used to being "the successful one" in your peer group and people expect you to excel at everything you touch, including your marriage.
I never thought I would get divorced from my husband, especially after 18 total years of being in a relationship. But, it happened. And for a short while, I struggled with picking up the pieces the heartbreak left behind. But I survived. Even better? I thrived.
Bear with me while I share 5 tips to boss the eff up after breaking up with the love of your life.
Stop Analyzing The Past
Despite how much we like to think that the end of a relationship is ALL the man's fault, breakups are never just one person's fault. It literally makes no sense to keep reliving old scenarios looking for that pivotal moment where things could have gone either way.
Since we are keeping it all the way real here - most of us had PLENTY of warning signs and pivotal moments that we were making a bad decision along the way. But, we pushed down those thoughts, ignored those warning signs and kept flashing our engagement ring around anyway.
Perfect Example: Two months before we were married, my boyfriend grabbed me by my hair, dragged me down a street and pushed me into his car during an argument. And even with that huge RED FLAG practically sitting on my head, I pressed forward with the marriage anyway.
Message: Don't blame yourself for the past - but do commit to NOT making the same mistakes year after year.
Understand That Just Because Your Relationship Was Long Doesn’t Mean It Was Successful
Popular culture loves to glamorize the good old days when women knew how to be "strong", "keep the family together" and "hold their man down at all costs."
Like many women, this soundtrack has played in my head over and over as I contemplated dissolving the marriage. I took a good long look at these so-called ideal relationships from the past and realized that most of those so-called "strong" relationships were full of bullshit, drama, cheating, and maybe babies. We have to stop awarding people for how many years of BS they can endure in the name of "keeping the family together".
Message: Stop seeking advice from anyone and everyone. Many of us have normalized dysfunction and aren't qualified to provide relationship advice to anyone. Be still. Be silent. Seek clarity.
You Don’t Owe Anyone A 2nd, 3rd or 4th Chance
I completely agree that a successful marriage requires the ability to forgive and forget over and over again. That does not mean, however, that you have to put up with every.single.thing that comes your way. It's perfectly fine to have standards. In spite of what people say, marriage should absolutely have conditions, just like any other contractual agreement.
What areas are you unwilling to negotiate? You have to know this so if/when a mutha I mean, person violates the essence of who you are as a woman, you can respond accordingly.
Message: Sis, the decision to grant someone another chance, is completely up to you. Don't allow anyone to guilt trip you into a decision that you don't want to make.
It’s Perfectly Fine To Still Love Your Ex
Honestly, no matter how many bad times you've experienced, you are probably still going to love your ex. Ladies - this is perfectly fine. A wise woman once told me that the decision to get married has nothing to do with the love you have for someone. It's possible to love someone tremendously AND have no desire to be in a relationship with them.
Message: True love shouldn't die. Just like toxic family members, sometimes you have to love your ex from a distance.
Channel All Of Your Emotions Into #SecuringTheBag
Listen sis - you have NO TIME to be in your feelings and allowing things to slide financially. It's time to leverage all those feelings of anger, sadness, despair and frustration into building a strong financial foundation for yourself and/or your children. Use this time to pick up side hustles, obtain those certifications, and/or work on starting your own business.
Message: Procrastination is not a luxury you and your family have. Let's work.
Want more stories like this? Sign up for our newsletter here and check out the related reads below:
6 Questions To Ask Yourself Before Ending Your Marriage
Monica Finally Shares How She Really Feels About Divorce
How Do Men Really Deal With Divorce?
Wendy Williams Takes Back Her Power And Files For Divorce
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Hi, I'm Danielle Pierce. I'm a full time entrepreneur, real estate expert, published author and proud BLERD. I LOVE house music. You can usually find me somewhere making it rain for my three little ones. Check out my world at www.daniellepierce.com.
Exclusive: Melanie Fiona On Making High-Vibrational Music & Saying Yes To Partnership
Melanie Fiona is back! After taking a little more than a decade-long hiatus, she has officially made her return to music and blessed us with two singles, “Say Yes” and “I Choose You.” While both singles are very different from each other, they both reflect who she is today and the type of music she wants to make. In our conversation, the mom of two expressed what she learned during her time away.
“It's interesting, even when I said it is like coming back, I don't ever feel like I really left because I was always still performing. I've still been public. It's not like I went into being this recluse person or version of myself, but the thing that I really learned in this process is that I think things take time,” Melanie says in a xoNecole exclusive.
“I think often we're so caught up in it, being on the timing of demand or popularity, or, like, striking while the iron is hot and the thing that I've learned is that everything is on God's time. That's it. Every time I thought I would have been ready, or, like, things were taking too long, I had to reship some things, personally, professionally, in my life. I also gave myself permission to make a living, not just make a living, but make a life for myself.”
Making a life for herself included getting married to Grammy-nominated songwriter Jared Cotter, starting a family, and embracing new landscapes, such as podcasting as a co-host of The Mama’s Den podcast. She also began doing more spiritual work and self-care practices like meditation, sound healing, Reiki, acupuncture, and boundary setting, which allowed her to get in touch with her inner voice.
“I wasn't putting out music, and I wasn't experiencing a number one record, but I was being a number one mom,” she says.
“I was experiencing things that were allowing me to heal and get in touch with myself so that I could make new music from a space of joy and freedom, and excitement again because I definitely feel like I did lose some excitement because of just politics and industry and what it can do to your mental health and even your physical health. So giving myself the space to really just say, ‘Hey, it's okay. Everything's right on time.’”
The joy and excitement are felt in one of two new singles, “I Choose You,” which is more of a lovers rock vibe, a tribute to Melanie’s Caribbean roots. While the Grammy award-winner is known for ballads like “It Kills Me” and “Fool For You,” she is becoming more intentional about the music she makes, calling it high-vibrational music. She says her music is a “reflection of my life,” as it captures every facet, from hanging out with friends to riding around in her car.
“Say Yes” has the classic R&B vibe Melanie is known for. However, both songs are inspired by her relationship. Melanie and Jared got married in December 2020, and the Toronto-bred artist dished on their relationship. Fun fact: he is featured in the “Say Yes” music video.
“When we first started dating, I had come into that relationship post a lot of self-work. I had gotten out of a long-term relationship, I had a year and a half to date and be by myself and do a lot of work on myself alone. And when we met, I remember feeling like this has to be my person because I feel it,” she says.
“And so when we went into that relationship, and we started dating, I was very clear. I was like, I know what I want. I'm very clear on what I need, and I'm not going to withhold my truth about myself in this process because of pride or fear of rejection. I know you love me, but I'm coming with my heart in my hand to let you know that if we're gonna get there, we have to put fear aside and say yes. So that was kind of like my open letter to him, which is why the video is us having a conversation.”
Melanie also shares that saying yes to her partner has empowered her in many ways, including motherhood and showing up for herself. Her new EP, also titled Say Yes, will be available at the top of 2025.
Check out the full interview below.
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Feature image by Franco Zulueta
Entertaining Like Ayesha Curry: Expert Advice For Holidays Done Right
Be prepared to wow the crowd.
It’s officially the holiday season, which means parties and gatherings galore. Between Friendsgiving, Christmas, and New Year's Eve celebrations, many of us are preparing to host loved ones in our homes one or two times between now and the end of the year. No matter the occasion or season, hosting for family and friends is a labor of love. But we can also agree that entertaining can be overwhelming, especially for first-time hosts.
As a seasoned host and entertainer, Ayesha Curry knows something about creating a memorable event for loved ones. Whether preparing for an intimate dinner with your immediate family or hosting a larger crowd, your guests will think you are a pro this holiday season with her tips on everything from welcoming guests to setting a beautiful table.
Q: What is your top tip for hosting?
Ayesha Curry:Part of being a great host is spending time with your guests, which means you can’t be stuck in the kitchen. Prep is key! I usually serve wine with the meal, but a cocktail or mocktail is a great way to greet guests. I prep the garnish the night before and batch the drink just before guests arrive. When the party begins, I pull everything out of the fridge and am ready to serve.
Writer Note: If you would like to offer non-alcoholic beverages for your sober or sober-curious guests, I love Saint Viviana Cab. It maintains full-body cabernet and flavor; no one will ever guess it’s alcohol-free. You can easily create a signature mocktail using Bittermilk’s Smoked Honey Whiskey Sour mix.
Q: Do you suggest any prep for serving or cooking?
AC:I lay out all my serving dishes and utensils the night before with little post-it notes saying what goes where. That way, I’m not digging around for anything. For more elaborate menus, I lay out quarter sheet pans and label them with tape according to the dish. I prep and measure everything for each recipe and then load each sheet pan with everything needed to make the dish. I wrap each tray in saran or foil, stack them, and place them in the fridge. Pull out the sheet pan you need when cooking, and everything is ready. It’s something I learned at the restaurant that saves so much time.
Q: What’s one item that should always be on a dinner party menu?
AC: Bread or roll with butter is excellent for holding guests over if the kitchen is delayed.
Q: What’s one non-menu item you should always have on hand?
AC: For a non-menu item, wine!
Q: How do you decide on a theme or menu for a gathering?
AC: It all starts with the occasion and the guest list. If it’s a group that doesn’t know each other very well, I may get more elaborate with the theme to help break the ice. For a group of friends or family who don’t get to see each other very often, I usually keep it simple so the evening can be all about catching up. A great playlist, good wine, and a family-style menu are all you need.
Q: Should attendees be expected to bring a gift?
AC: If I’m hosting, I’m not expecting gifts. The gift is taking time to come over and enjoy a meal with me! But bringing something to enjoy at the gathering, like a bottle of wine, is always appreciated.
Q: What are three affordable gifts that guests can give a host?
AC:A bag of excellent coffee is a beautiful gift for a host. Sweet July’s House Blend Coffee is sourced from all-female co-ops, so it’s a gift I love to give to the women in my life. Whether it’s being served after dinner or just for the host to enjoy on their own, you can’t go wrong with a bag of high-end coffee.
Fresh flowers are great if you have a host who likes total control over the food and beverage menu. Go for something neutral in color that can work with any décor.
The Sweet July Olive Oil and Balsamic Vinegar set is my go-to host gift. Bottled in Napa, it’s a gift any foodie will appreciate - and use!
Q: What are some creative tablescape or decor ideas that you love?
AC: I like to keep my dinnerware neutral and classic (like this ceramic collection in nutmeg) and infuse color and texture through linens. For centerpieces, I want to use what I have in my yard. If it’s summer, it might be flowers or greenery, but interesting branches can also look architectural in tall, clear vases next to tapered candles in the colder months. There’s no need to spend a ton of money on flowers.
With Ayesha’s tips, you can create a holiday gathering that your family and friends will cherish forever.
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Featured image by Getty Images