It doesn't have the shame and stigma from say, 20 years ago, but let's keep it real - divorce is still a very traumatic experience. It's even more problematic, when you are used to being "the successful one" in your peer group and people expect you to excel at everything you touch, including your marriage.
I never thought I would get divorced from my husband, especially after 18 total years of being in a relationship. But, it happened. And for a short while, I struggled with picking up the pieces the heartbreak left behind. But I survived. Even better? I thrived.
Bear with me while I share 5 tips to boss the eff up after breaking up with the love of your life.
Stop Analyzing The Past
Despite how much we like to think that the end of a relationship is ALL the man's fault, breakups are never just one person's fault. It literally makes no sense to keep reliving old scenarios looking for that pivotal moment where things could have gone either way.
Since we are keeping it all the way real here - most of us had PLENTY of warning signs and pivotal moments that we were making a bad decision along the way. But, we pushed down those thoughts, ignored those warning signs and kept flashing our engagement ring around anyway.
Perfect Example: Two months before we were married, my boyfriend grabbed me by my hair, dragged me down a street and pushed me into his car during an argument. And even with that huge RED FLAG practically sitting on my head, I pressed forward with the marriage anyway.
Message: Don't blame yourself for the past - but do commit to NOT making the same mistakes year after year.
Understand That Just Because Your Relationship Was Long Doesn’t Mean It Was Successful
Popular culture loves to glamorize the good old days when women knew how to be "strong", "keep the family together" and "hold their man down at all costs."
Like many women, this soundtrack has played in my head over and over as I contemplated dissolving the marriage. I took a good long look at these so-called ideal relationships from the past and realized that most of those so-called "strong" relationships were full of bullshit, drama, cheating, and maybe babies. We have to stop awarding people for how many years of BS they can endure in the name of "keeping the family together".
Message: Stop seeking advice from anyone and everyone. Many of us have normalized dysfunction and aren't qualified to provide relationship advice to anyone. Be still. Be silent. Seek clarity.
You Don’t Owe Anyone A 2nd, 3rd or 4th Chance
I completely agree that a successful marriage requires the ability to forgive and forget over and over again. That does not mean, however, that you have to put up with every.single.thing that comes your way. It's perfectly fine to have standards. In spite of what people say, marriage should absolutely have conditions, just like any other contractual agreement.
What areas are you unwilling to negotiate? You have to know this so if/when a mutha I mean, person violates the essence of who you are as a woman, you can respond accordingly.
Message: Sis, the decision to grant someone another chance, is completely up to you. Don't allow anyone to guilt trip you into a decision that you don't want to make.
It’s Perfectly Fine To Still Love Your Ex
Honestly, no matter how many bad times you've experienced, you are probably still going to love your ex. Ladies - this is perfectly fine. A wise woman once told me that the decision to get married has nothing to do with the love you have for someone. It's possible to love someone tremendously AND have no desire to be in a relationship with them.
Message: True love shouldn't die. Just like toxic family members, sometimes you have to love your ex from a distance.
Channel All Of Your Emotions Into #SecuringTheBag
Listen sis - you have NO TIME to be in your feelings and allowing things to slide financially. It's time to leverage all those feelings of anger, sadness, despair and frustration into building a strong financial foundation for yourself and/or your children. Use this time to pick up side hustles, obtain those certifications, and/or work on starting your own business.
Message: Procrastination is not a luxury you and your family have. Let's work.
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