Monica Is A Reminder That We Shouldn't Be Ashamed Of Our Struggles
No one likes a liar, but let's not pretend that it's always easy to tell the truth. Being honest is all fun and games until the time comes for you to be real with yourself and you're forced to confront all of the self-truths that you've tried so hard to avoid. For example, you may live a lavish lifestyle today, but you can never forget the little girl that had to hustle to get there. You may be on the path to healing now, but you can never forget the breakup that almost broke you.
While you are not defined by your past, you also can't choose to ignore it, and Monica says that learning this lesson has impacted her life in a significant way. To this singer, telling the truth has been an integral part of her life when it comes to both her family and her career, but Monica says that she could only build that foundation after learning how to keep it a buck.
In fact, this truth-telling instinct was what led to the title of her first album that ultimately jumpstarted her career in the entertainment industry. In an interview with ESSENCE, the singer said:
"The [reason] they named the album 'Miss Thang' was because I would hear songs—that definitely ended up being hit records for other people—and I would say 'Nah. I wouldn't even say that. I wouldn't even do that. I don't want to sing that.' So, the running joke was 'Here comes Miss Thang. Play it for her, see if she likes it.' So, the title of the album ended up being Miss Thang. Everybody there kind of took to that."
Miss Thang turned out to be more than just an album title, it was a testament to not being herself, even when being herself made others uncomfortable.
"I look back and I'm grateful for that because I never had to pretend or be pretentious in any way. It was just me doing me and coming from where I'm from, that was important for girls like myself to see."
Monica says that even now, she carries this same spirit of keeping it 100 all the way into her adult life. Since filing from her husband of almost ten years in March, the singer says that her life has gotten a lot more complicated. Between questions from her kids about "stopping divorce" and the media in her business 24/7, Monica says that this truth-telling policy has been hard to uphold. Although initially, Monica was adamant about not filming or releasing the details of her divorce, she says that choosing transparency has helped her family heal:
"I'm not ashamed of what's happening in my life. I just think because I still have such a love and respect, even for Shannon, that there [are] certain things that are just not up for discussion. We don't have to be together to respect one another."
Honesty is easy when the truth is convenient, but the truth is most times, it's not. Monica is a reminder that there is no shame in your struggle, sis. While that doesn't mean that you should go out and spill all your tea, it may be time to steep in your own for a while. She explained that while she is selective about the information she shares with the world, she has friends like Tiny and Toya who have been through a lifetime of heartbreak and can hold her accountable for her truths:
"Those women are really my friends. We try to protect each other. Tiny and Toya have been through a lot. Those are all people that have experienced what I'm going through. So you take it one day at a time. But when it comes to what you share with the world, there just has to be limitations."
Check out Monica's full interview on the Yes, Girl! podcast here!
Featured image by Leon Brezer / Shutterstock.com
Taylor "Pretty" Honore is a spiritually centered and equally provocative rapper from Baton Rouge, Louisiana with a love for people and storytelling. You can probably find me planting herbs in your local community garden, blasting "Back That Thang Up" from my mini speaker. Let's get to know each other: @prettyhonore.
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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Another season of Love Is Blind has come to a close, and almost two months later we’re still unpacking the drama that is Clay and AD. The finale, reunion, and post-interviews with Clay and AD after season six of Love Is Blind left millions of people wondering - why couldn’t AD see the signs? Clay told her he had a fear of marriage, his parents experienced infidelity, and he seemed to have many doubts about saying, "I do."
After changing his mind at the altar and hearing AD question why she feels like she’s never enough, I was finished watching. I didn’t need to hear anything else because, at that moment, I realized this wasn’t about Clay; this was about AD feeling inadequate before she ever met Clay.
If I’m honest, I don’t watch much dating television. TikTok keeps me updated with the clips that I need to see in order to be kept in the loop, but it’s difficult for me to watch an entire season of dating TV because seeing Black women settle for less and questioning their beauty is a trigger for me. In many ways, there were points in my life where I was AD, settling and ignoring red flags because I wanted to be loved.
Now, on the other side, it doesn’t feel good to see Black women lower their standards on national television. There have been many hot takes on this couple and who was in the wrong. Did Clay play in AD’s face or did she not listen to the truth of what he told her from day one? Was his reason for joining the show to promote his business and not to find the one?
We’ll never know the truth, but what we can do is learn tactics to better our self-worth. Founder and CEO of The Self Love Organization Denise Francis shared her expertise with xoNecole on what tangible steps to take to improve feelings of worthiness. “Self-love blooms in a garden where self-worth is planted, nourished, and whole. However, when your self-worth is challenged, displaced, or broken, it could be difficult to rebuild," Denise explains.
How To Rebuild Self-Worth
During her self-love coaching sessions, Denise likes to walk her clients through the cornerstones of rebuilding self-worth: grace and self-compassion. To her, self-worth is never lost, it's only displaced, so practicing self-compassion and giving yourself grace is a must. "We tend to place our self-worth in entities and people of ourselves such as relationship status, physical appearance, material possessions, social media followings, what others think of us, and more. Self-worth is not something to be measured by anyone or anything outside of ourselves because we all innately hold value and worth.
"Self-worth is not something to be measured by anyone or anything outside of ourselves because we all innately hold value and worth."
"When we place our value into people or things, we tend to feel that we are not enough, worth it, special, or important when relationship status, job titles, friendships, and physical appearances are lost or changed. We then tend to feel lost within ourselves because we’ve placed our value outside of ourselves. Using grace and compassion, you can rebuild your self-worth by returning home to who you are at your core," she concludes.
How To Return Home To Yourself
Denise advises taking a step back and using self-reflection through journaling by answering the following journaling prompts:
First, ask yourself, "What do you tend to attach your self-worth to and why?"
Is it your relationships, your job title, your finances, your appearance, etc.? Why do you think you place so much emphasis on external status? How does it make you feel when you are defining yourself through these entities and/or people outside of yourself?
Then, ask yourself, "Without these things, who am I?"
Once you have your answers, show yourself kindness, remove the shame, and, as Denise says, "Redefine yourself by detaching your value from the things and people you have no control over and no longer serve you. Challenge yourself to define yourself outside of titles and societal values."
"By returning home to your core, you find value in who you are as a person. You begin to find value in the way you love instead of your relationship status, your compassion instead of your popularity, your drive instead of your income/job title, and your heart instead of your physical appearance," she adds.
"By returning home to your core, you find value in who you are as a person."
"Be intentional with healing your self-worth by leaning into the people and things that nourish your core values. Surround yourself with the people who love and cherish you, they will always remind you just how valuable you truly are."
It all goes back to self-compassion and grace. As Denise explains, leading with those two things as you heal and rebuild your self-worth allows you to reduce negative self-talk that might come up for you. "This weakens thoughts like, 'I am not enough... why am I never enough?'" she shares, "And 'I don't deserve this while strengthening thoughts like 'I deserve better,' 'I am enough,' and 'I am worth it.'"
Denise continues, "Once you return home and remember the irreplaceable person you are, you can rebuild your self-worth by placing it back where it belongs. It belongs to you."
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Featured image by LaylaBird/Getty Images
