If You Want To Get To The Root Of Things, Try My One-Word Test
I really like words. I write for a living. I have quotes all over my bedroom. I'm always looking up word definitions. I'm currently studying the Hebrew language. My top love language is Words of Affirmation. Ask any of the editors I've had and they'll tell you that I'm the girl who goes over the word cap with almost every article I write. Words are my thang.
Most times, all of this works in my favor. But there have been instances when my appreciation for lots of words has backfired.
For instance, something that I'm a firm believer in is if you know your purpose in this life, you should be able to break it down into three words (or three terms or phrases). For me, I'm here to speak on sex, marriage, and the Sabbath. Three words. However, I spent A LOT of time not being clear on this, all because being wordy kept me from simplifying things.
Someone would ask me what my calling was and I'd be like, "I mean, I know I really like so-and-so or such-and-such but I can't put my finger on how to explain it in a way that make sense, so…" See how much of a run-on sentence that is? I was so used to using words—and sometimes talking too much—that I wasn't getting to the root of matters. Not only does that drain a lot of energy, it wastes a ton of time.
I had to find a way to remedy this. So, at the top of 2018, something that I decided to do was implement a one-word test. Meaning, I would force myself to break things down in one-word.
I told myself that if I couldn't do that, I was unclear about the issue at hand. And without clarity, it's hard to find any sort of resolve. Here's what I mean:
When I thought about what I needed to get my finances right, the word that came to mind was DISCIPLINE.
When I thought about what I lacked in a lot of my relationships, the word that came to mind was RECIPROCITY.
When I thought about what I needed in order to heal from some family toxicity I was experiencing, the word that came to mind was SPACE.
When I thought about what I lacked in a lot of my relationship dynamics that I would require to move forward, the word that came to mind was PROTECTION.
When I thought about why it was time to end a 15-year relationship with a male "friend" of mine, the word that came to mind was NARCISSISM.
When I thought about what I needed to give myself, the word that came to mind was PAMPERING.
Once I had a word in mind, I started lining up various areas of my life around it.
For example, since I said I needed pampering, I've spent most of this year doing that. I'm not overwhelming myself with a ton of self-work (after all, you typically can only effectively clean one room of a house at a time). I'm not incessantly journaling, taking a ton of self-help seminars or chain reading a pile of books. I'm investing in essential oils, loading up on vitamins and herbs, and keeping my (sometimes weekly) mani/pedi appointments. Because I am focusing all of my energy into pampering—no more, no less—it's teaching me some things about myself that I didn't know before. Things like, a part of the reason why I would get into relationships where there was no "reciprocity" is because I didn't know how to make myself a priority, let alone show others how to do it. Pampering has taught me that.
Or the narcissism thing. Do any of you remember how in the movie Enough (Jennifer Lopez, Bill Campbell), it was years into their marriage before the husband started showin' out? That's the thing about abuse and staying in abusive situations—sometimes the abuse is so sporadic that you justify staying.
The guy I was in the friendship with is a bonafide NARCISSIST. I mean, the epitome of it. So much so that whenever he would hurt me and I would tell him (remember, I'm wordy so, of course, I told him!), he would either totally ignore me (which is abusive in and of itself) or try and turn it around so that I would end up apologizing to him.
Until I got down to the one word that would adequately describe our cycle, I used to say he was that way because he was hurting or it was due to his own childhood abuse or the pressure surrounding his profession/platform; nonetheless, there is some truth to all of that. Oh, but when I started to study narcissism, not only did I see exactly the kind of person I was dealing with, it also brought me to the conclusion that until he got some therapy and actually did apologize for hurting me (without my asking for it or "babying him" through it), we needed to not communicate. It also helped me to detect narcissists in general.
What's something in your life that you just can't seem to get down to the bottom of? Rather than spending hours on the phone with one of your girlfriends or creating carpal tunnel syndrome by journaling pages of stuff about the issue, how about implementing my one-word test? Describe how you feel, what you need or what is missing in ONE WORD, and then build a plan around that.
Some of the most complex problems have the simplest answers.
Breaking things down into one word has taught me that.
Featured image by Getty Images
Originally published on December 5, 2018
Different puzzle pieces are creating bigger pictures these days. 2024 will mark a milestone on a few different levels, including the release of my third book next June (yay!).
I am also a Professional Certified Coach. My main mission for attaining that particular goal is to use my formal credentials to help people navigate through the sometimes tumultuous waters, both on and offline, when it comes to information about marriage, sex and relationships that is oftentimes misinformation (because "coach" is a word that gets thrown around a lot, oftentimes quite poorly).
I am also still super devoted to helping to bring life into this world as a doula, marriage life coaching will always be my first love (next to writing, of course), a platform that advocates for good Black men is currently in the works and my keystrokes continue to be devoted to HEALTHY over HAPPY in the areas of holistic intimacy, spiritual evolution, purpose manifestation and self-love...because maturity teaches that it's impossible to be happy all of the time when it comes to reaching goals yet healthy is a choice that can be made on a daily basis (amen?).
If you have any PERSONAL QUESTIONS (please do not contact me with any story pitches; that is an *editorial* need), feel free to reach out at missnosipho@gmail.com. A sistah will certainly do what she can. ;)
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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How A Stay At Switzerland's Luxurious 7132 Hotel Reminded Me To Live The Life I Deserve
Sometimes, as women—especially as single Black women—we simply need to be reminded that we are deserving of living a life we dream of. Even if that means creating it for ourselves. I recently set out on a weeklong trip to Switzerland, a trip I’ve been wanting to take for years, and near the end of my visit, I had an epiphany.
“DeAnna, this is the life you deserve,” I thought to myself as I took in the gorgeous bathroom in my suite at the famous 7132 Hotel and Thermal Spa. It was one of the most luxurious hotels (and bathrooms) I had ever stayed in—and that’s saying a lot for someone who often travels for work.
To help you better understand why this was such a mental awakening for me, I first need to give a bit of my backstory. I’m in my late thirties. I’m an attorneyand a journalist. I own a home and have traveled the world extensively. Essentially, I’ve done everything in life I set out to do. However, when it comes to dating, I struggle. Not because there is anything wrong with me per se, but because my career and “lifestyle” often create problems in my romantic relationships.
View from my hotel room
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I’ve been told everything from, ‘I can’t continue to date you because you seem to choose your career over wanting to settle down and have kids’ by a man after only the second date to ‘Maybe if you just sat down somewhere for a while, I’d actually wife you’ by someone who has honestly never proven themselves to be the settle down type. And these are only a handful of the things I’ve been told over the years.
It’s been frustrating, to say the least, and there have even been seasons where I purposely dimmed my light in hopes that my career wouldn’t push away potential suitors. I know what you’re thinking, “Girl, why would you even consider that? If they’re for you, it won’t matter what you do.” Hey, don’t judge me, but also, I one hundred percent agree.
My hotel bathroom
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That’s why this recent moment in Switzerland was right on time. When I first walked into the hotel to check in, I was blown away by the surrounding beauty. It was a five-star property with one of the world’s most famous thermal bathhouses. Yet, it was something about seeing that 90% of the hotel’s guests were couples, that forced me to sit back for a bit of introspection—while soaking in the thermal spa, of course.
As I went through the mental conversation, there was a battle of sorts. On one hand, I knew that being able to partake in experiences like the one I was having at that moment was important to me. I knew that, at times I actually love being able to dabble in the finer things—after all, I’ve worked hard to be able to afford them. On the other hand, and sadly, I knew that sometimes being a single Black woman that publicly showcases her “luxurious” habits can intimidate men and even scare them off from pursuing you under the guise of them feeling like they “can’t do anything for you, because you have everything.”
My hotel room
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So, what is a girl to do?
Do I minimize/hide the life and experiences that I have? Do I play down the hard work I’ve put in to get where I am professionally? Or, do I risk being single in exchange for being able to have said life, without backlash?
Luckily, the joy that I felt while being at this property won. There was something about taking a full day to simply pamper myself at the bathhouse and in my in-room steam shower and soaker tub, indulging in cuisine from a 2-star Michelin restaurant and doing all of this while surrounded by an amazing group of Black women that reminded me—this is certainly the life I was meant to live and that I deserve. Even if it means that right now, I’ll just have to provide it for myself until the right partner comes along. And honestly, I’m okay with that.
Restaurant at 7132 hotel
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