For years, we watched Black female artists be forced to unfairly stagger their way through the music industry. Sometimes, they hit their stride--like Beyoncé, Mary J. Blige, Missy Elliot, and Rihanna--never truly succumbing to the doubts of those around them. Other times, they rose to stardom very quickly, only to fall suddenly overnight with a whisper. However, more often times than not, they found themselves stuck in a strange limbo, one where they had enough to become discovered but not enough to be able to see their careers come to fruition.
Nevertheless, it appears that this narrative is now coming full circle. Contemplate the works of artists like Coco Jones, Victoria Monét, and especially the South African prodigy Tyla. With the release of her first single just four years ago, Tyla finds herself at the peak of her career--showing that although she may stumble, it was only inevitable that she'd find her footing. With her recent Grammy and upcoming debut album, Tyla is a living example of the importance of capitalizing on created opportunities and living in the now. Here's what you can learn from her rise to stardom.
Manifest and Create Your Opportunities
Contrary to popular belief, Tyla's ascent to fame did not happen suddenly. Rather, it took her four years of arduous struggle to become famous. Tyla, who was born and raised in Johannesburg, started sharing original music and covers on Instagram while she was a senior in high school. A few months later, she began pitching her songs to several music industry heavyweights in hopes of getting a break. Consequently, Tyla manifested an opportunity to be discovered by her first manager, Garth von Giehn, who set up Tyla's first recording sessions. Tyla used to commute to the studio every weekend during her last year of school.
She released "Getting Late," her debut track, which she had recorded with Kooldrink, following her high school graduation. The dance tune with a falsetto and pop and African influences marked the start of the sensation's musical career and helped her become extremely well-known in her own country. Because of the success of this song, Tyla finally inked a record deal with Epic Records in 2021.
Tyla didn't only think hypothetically when she started creating possibilities for herself; instead, she realized how important it was to put yourself out there and turn into her own biggest advocate and fan. She developed a portfolio that demonstrated her abilities and persuaded people that she was worthy of investment due to her persistent approach to consistently producing songs and covers.
To ensure you have the same opportunities, visualize your objectives and make a six- to twelve-month strategy to achieve one or two of your goals. Then, start small every day and work towards your plan until it is completed. Regularly send leaders in your industry resumes, art, music, or whatever it is you're selling. The worst-case scenario is that they decline. When you create your plan, make sure you're creating a sturdy foundation that will guarantee your success.
Tyla wins her first Grammy
Photo by Emma McIntyre/Getty Images for The Recording Academy
Invest In Yourself: Taking a Break from University
Tyla not only taught us the value of pursuing and realizing one's aspirations, but she also stressed the value of making an investment in oneself. Tyla studied engineering at university when she first started her profession. However, the singer made the decision to put her degree on hold for a year in order to focus entirely on her music career after going through a really stressful period. Afterward, she continued to gain recognition, finally releasing the music video for "Getting Late" two years later.
This resulted in the South African sensation receiving nominations and awards, a record deal, and acclaim throughout the pandemic.
Tyla's ascent to popularity teaches us how to invest in ourselves as well as how to take our time in making and carrying out our ideas. Tyla had to balance her time between her music and engineering education when she initially started her career. However, Tyla chose to take a year off from school and devote all of her attention to her music career after feeling an unimaginable amount of stress from the major. At this point, she started to witness the fruits of her labor.
In the end, she made a video during the pandemic, which eventually led to a record label deal and domestic success.
Seize the Moment: Capitializing on "Pop Stardom"
Tyla kept taking advantage of her fame and prosperity for around three years. In contrast to several contemporary artists, she persistently and deliberately dropped singles, seizing the opportunity whenever it presented itself and only bringing forth new ones after it had passed. Tyla released two further songs in October 2021 and November 2022, "Overdue" and "To Last," respectively, after her initial single.
In addition, she made her stage debut in 2023 at the Dolce & Gabanna after-party in Milan, solidifying her status as a global performer. The singer's single "Been Thinking" got her the first chart spot of her career on the Billboard R&B airplay. Later, she traveled with Chris Brown on his "Under the Influence Tour" and released a single with Nigerian vocalist Ayra Starr.
Utilize Social Media to Control Your Narrative: Rise to Fame Through TikTok
Even though she was well-known before her TikTok dance, her long-lasting international popularity didn't come until the release of her single "Water" in July 2023. When every TikTok dancer persisted in making their own dance variant to the song or perfecting the already-created "Water" dance, it was difficult to ignore the song's enticing harmony, given how captivating it was.
@fallontonight @Tyla makes her Tonight Show debut with “Water” 💦 #FallonTonight #Tyla #Water #TylaWater
In addition, a number of musicians added their own features or covered the song to prolong its popularity. Whatever the case, Tyla's rise to fame began in the summer of 2023. The song became so well-known by the end of the summer that it peaked at number 10 on billboards in the US, UK, and Australia.
Thanks to TikTok, Tyla became the first South African to reach the Billboard Top 100 in 55 years. By embedding herself in history, it'll be hard to forget the artist for a while.
Tyla demonstrates to us the value of using social media to promote oneself through this. Building your social media network might be a great approach to generating passive money if you're looking for a second job or to market your writing, music, art, or other interests. In addition, it's an inexpensive approach to sell yourself and display your skills without having to break the bank.
This makes it possible for people to sell their brands independently and for others to market your goods on your behalf. When used properly, social media is the ideal platform for seizing the moment since it guarantees that your moment will be highlighted and shared often.
Tyla shows off her platinum plaque for "Water."
Photo by Tommaso Boddi/Getty Images for Epic Records
Network, Network, Network: Gap Collaboration
Tyla is one of the many faces of Gap, which unveiled its spring collection earlier this month. It was no surprise that the "Water" singer was chosen by the Gap to promote their business, as their Spring 2024 range is a celebration of dance, fashion, and music, all woven into linen. The charismatic and talented South African singer lends her charm and abilities to the campaign.
Tyla fits in nicely with Gap's mission to support musiciansthat are genuine and unique. In addition, the singer teamed up with the other summertime favorites Jungle's "Back on 74" dancers in an attempt to reap the rewards of their moment of fame to ensure their long-term success in the business.
Not only does the singer collaborate with clothing brands like Gap, but her upcoming debut album features collaborations with artists like Becky G, Tems, Gunna, Skillibeing, Kelvin Momo, and Travis Scott. Allowing her to capitalize on multiple audiences and fandoms with her newest singles.
This partnership demonstrates how crucial networking is to achieving one's objectives. Learning to capitalize on the moment requires networking to market one's brand, even if it can be awkward and irritating at times. You may start to open doors to new possibilities and promote the sharing of ideas and best practices by developing professional connections. As a result, networking may help you advance professionally, flourish personally, and eventually succeed in your desired industry.
Practice Self-Care: The Cancellation of World Tour
Lastly, Tyla's ascension to prominence has taught us the value of taking care of oneself and slowing down. Tyla had announced her global tour and the release of her debut album earlier this year. She did, however, also declare earlier this month that she would have to postpone her Coachella performance and her worldwide tour because of a nagging ailment.
The news took many aback since she had been giving so many performances and announcements that nobody could have predicted the artist would be going through such hardships. However, it is crucial to be reluctant to prolong one's harm in the face of fame. Most artists are so focused on seizing the moment that they neglect to calm down and let their moments unfold into whatever they may naturally become, which leads to them penning themselves into a corner.
By postponing the global tour and canceling other performances altogether, the performer is allowing herself more time to hone her stage act and presentation when the tour finally happens, as well as an opportunity for fans to pause and recognize her talent beyond the hit song "Water."
This teaches us the importance of taking moments to slow down and be in the now. Sometimes, when we work hard for something, we often forget to take a moment and appreciate the fruits of our labor. Whether it be an injury that makes us stop and take stock or simply a mindful mental health day, it is imperative to practice self-care on our journeys to success.
Tyla's self-titled debut album is available on all platforms on March 22.
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2023 was my year, and it was my turn. I had just completed an 8-month holistic detox. The glow-up was real and well-deserved. The way I have poured into myself is unmatched. Let me tell you, self-love is a love you have never known. After a five-year healing journey, I finally felt like myself again, and I was ready to play. My heart was open, my mind was clear, and my body hella transformed. I had told all my friends that I was ready to explore dating again, and at the height of summer, I did exactly just that.
This time I decided I wanted to take my time. I wanted to date the “right way” or the “healthy way.” You know, keep your options open, ask the right questions, believe actions and not words, observe patterns and pay attention to red, yellow, and green flags. I was never the dating app type of girl. I sincerely miss everything about human connection and dating from 2000 to 2012. Can we please bring all of that back into 2024? I prefer to feel a man’s energy and presence in real-time. Nonetheless, I still chose to dabble with a few dating apps. I was all the way outside and dating for practice.
Unfortunately, with today’s dating culture, social climate, and how some of these men move and/or behave, these dates were a dead end. Not one guy made it to my roster. What these men were was benched this season – not one of them could be my first-round select draft pick. It didn't seem like anyone I met was interested in a serious relationship. And it’s completely fine. Miss me with the ghosting, lack of effort, inconsistency, and poor communication. I continued to just do me because what is for me will not miss me.
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The universe must have heard me talking because I had specifically told my closest girlfriends that I wanted to meet someone who lived in the vicinity, no more than twenty minutes away, and no more long distance. And I did meet him (it’s crazy how I manifest exactly what I want). As we started to get to know each other, I liked his energy and effort. I liked the direction it seemed to be going to the point my girlfriends had to tell me not to run from him. Because every part of me wanted to run from something that seemed normal.
I liked what he was coming with until I became uncomfortable with my own feelings, and I didn’t know how to communicate them to him.
With that said, I knew if I truly wanted to experience the truest of loves, a reciprocal, requited love, and be in a healthy relationship this story had to come to a pause. What I didn’t know was that he was going to show me things I didn’t know I needed to work on. I didn’t know he inadvertently was going to help me continue to heal parts of me that were hidden.
As someone who has learned to self-heal, I am no longer the type that runs from herself. I am here for the growth.
The truth is I am emotionally detached from myself, and I am not actively dating at the moment. I am the one that has to work on herself. My reiki healer called it, too – she told me this year would not be a year for a relationship, but a year of continuous growth. And now I see why. After all the healing work I have done thus far – I am an unemotional mess. How?
At my big age of 39, I struggle to communicate my wants and needs.
I still struggle to communicate and process uncomfortable feelings. I would rather give myself anxiety, act nonchalantly, emotionally react, and choose non-communication when I am bothered with someone than address the issue (I will later explain why). I have been ignoring my feelings for so long it has become a habit, a defense mechanism, and more so a trauma response.
If you are someone like me who grew up in a household that didn’t discuss feelings, your emotional needs were unmet, and you don’t feel safe to share your feelings – emotional detachment is quite common.
Oftentimes, we always talk about men being emotionally unavailable, but what if it’s a woman who is emotionally unavailable or emotionally detached? How does she navigate herself, dating, or being in a relationship? As I navigate my emotions this season, let’s explore what it means to be emotionally detached, the signs of detachment, and how to reconnect with yourself emotionally.
Emotional Unavailability vs. Emotional Detachment
When we look at the terminology emotional unavailability and emotional detachment, one might argue that the two terms are interchangeable and have the same meaning. One could also argue that both terms mean that some people are not in tune with their emotions or lack the emotional capacity to be responsive to someone else’s emotions. Fair enough. However, there is a big difference. The definition of emotional unavailability is described as people who have difficulty with sharing their emotions and being receptive to the emotions of those around them.
According to Verywell Mind, signs of emotional unavailability can look like being distant or cold, lack of closeness, and emotional intimacy in relationships, inability to understand and relate to others’ feelings, defensiveness when asked to change or let others in, tendency to shut down or avoid topics that require emotional openness, or withdrawal from people or situations that provoke emotional reactions.
GIF by Kim's ConvenienceGiphyWhereas emotional detachment is defined as the inability to or willingness to connect with others on an emotional level. Furthermore, Psychology Today states emotional detachment can also mean that people do not engage with their feelings. Exhibit A – me. Emotional detachment has various causes – past neglect, childhood or adult trauma, PTSD, depression, personality disorder, bipolar disorder, substance abuse, or, in some cases, medication (i.e. antidepressants). It is important to note emotional detachment is a complex issue. For someone like me, it’s a coping mechanism.
It is easier for me to ignore uncomfortable feelings to protect myself from stress or getting hurt. Hence, my nonchalant demeanor. It is also true for some people it is a reaction to trauma, abuse, and unprocessed emotions. Exhibit B – me. As it is difficult for me to open up about my feelings at the moment. On the contrary – emotional detachment can be helpful in navigating some situations like listening to people’s opinions and gossip.
Unfortunately, emotional detachment is not a behavior that can be turned on and off at will. Please note that emotional detachment is NOT a mental health diagnosis but can be a symptom of a mental health condition such as an attachment disorder. And if you know anything about attachment theory, it is related to the relationship we develop in our childhood with our primary caregivers.
Signs You're Emotionally Detached
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According to Psychology Today and Verywell Mind, general signs of emotional detachment can look like difficulty showing empathy to others, sharing emotions, committing to a relationship, feeling numb, poor listening skills, lack of self-esteem, preferring to be alone, struggling to feel positive emotions, inability to identify emotions, lack of physical, verbal, or sexual contact and losing touch with people or maintaining connections.
In a romantic relationship, emotional detachment shows up as you or your partner not being available for connection, poor communication, or reduced affection.
For me, my experience with emotional detachment is collective. I am an empath to my core. I don’t have a problem relating to other’s feelings or circumstances. I don’t have commitment issues, nor do I have an issue connecting with others or maintaining those connections. I struggle with sharing emotions, at least the negative ones.
Due to the emotional abuse from my childhood and a toxic relationship, I learned sharing emotions just wasn't the safe thing to do. As a survivor of trauma, I learned to suppress feeling negative emotions in general as a form of protection.
How To Reconnect To Your Emotions When You're Emotionally Unavailable
Serious Kid Cudi GIF by Apple MusicGiphyExploring my emotional side in-depth started late last year simply by noticing my reaction to something that he did. I didn’t know how to properly communicate to him how I was feeling or what he did bothered me in the moment. So, I swallowed my feelings and said absolutely nothing. I intentionally chose to avoid the issue. I chose to rationalize the situation instead of acknowledging that my feelings at the time were valid. I chose to act like everything was all good because it was all good.
“It wasn’t that deep to begin with” is what I told myself. And this is where the problem lies.
The saying is true, “What happens in your childhood shows up in your adult relationships.” I came to realize that because I was not able to express my feelings as a child, I struggled to process them. I either hold back my feelings, take a long time to say how I feel, or don’t say anything at all. This is because I fear people will walk away from me like my mother did if I share what I truly feel. I fear my feelings won’t be validated, or they will be rejected.
With that said, I was completely unaware that I was emotionally detached from myself until recently. So, here we are with this article. It all started by reading Instagram’s @theholisticpsychologist, Dr. Nicole LePera’s newest book How to Be the Love You Seek: Break Cycles, Find Peace, and Heal Your Relationships, which was released on November 28, 2023. As I read through the first chapter, I became triggered.
How Dr. LePera describes her childhood with her parents and experiences with her romantic partners somewhat mirrored my experiences with my own parents and relationships. As Dr. LaPera stated in her book, I have no issue showing up for others or meeting their needs and wants. But when it comes to expressing my own needs and wants – I cannot or I don’t. This is mainly due to my hyper-independence.
At an early age, I learned to show up for myself because the people I trusted to show up for me failed. Given my home environment, I had internalized it is not safe to talk about feelings. I never knew my emotional responses and behavior were abnormal. But because I am willing to continue to do my inner work, I know that I can reconnect to my emotions, and undo four decades of repressed emotions.
If you are someone like me who struggles with emotional connection with yourself and others, here is how you go about it:
Lighthouse Films/ Getty Images
1. Know Your Attachment Style
For me, the first step was to understand my attachment style. I asked my therapist if she could help me identify my attachment style to understand my triggers. She recommended The Attachment Theory Workbook by Annie Chen, LMFT. My therapist administered the associated online quiz – Attachment Quiz. If you haven’t figured out my attachment style yet by reading this article, I have an anxious attachment style.
This means I don’t do well with inconsistent behavior, especially from men (but I’m the type that holds men to standards too). People with an anxious attachment style have a need to feel close to their partner. It may come across as “clingy” or “needy.” However, this same need is often driven by fear of abandonment, mistrust, and low self-esteem. I would say knowing your attachment style is helpful because you can work towards having a secure attachment style (with practice) in your relationships – familial, business, work, platonic, or romantic.
2. Become Self-Aware
Most people who are not in the practice of self-care or self-healing are unaware of their triggers, patterns, and behaviors. We are so caught up in the daily minutiae of life that we forget to pay attention to the most important part of our days — ourselves. As Dr. LePera says, make it a conscious habit to pause throughout your day to check in with yourself. Ask yourself:
- How does my body feel?
- What am I doing right now?
- Am I present?
- Am I distracted and lost with other thoughts?
- What do I think or feel when I recall a specific experience with someone?
- What do I think or worry about?
- What would happen if I shared my authentic thoughts, perspective, feelings right now?”
This is what Dr. LePera refers to as exploring your embodied self or fulfilling your authentic needs in chapter two of her book. Consistent mindfulness and self-awareness are key to self-discovery and in any healing journey. Learning to focus on the present moment also includes paying attention to our emotional response to an event or how we think about emotions in general.
3. Practice Vulnerability
The idea of vulnerability is a tough one for me and so many other women for countless reasons. Whether it be toxic family, friendships, relationships, or trauma – trusting others with your thoughts and feelings is not easy. As much as I am open and transparent, I am not as vulnerable. And I believe there is so much power in the duality to be both. To trust someone, let alone a man with your authentic self is a delicate matter.
But it is emotional vulnerability that allows us humans to build authentic connections, create stronger relationships, and break down emotional walls. Emotional vulnerability is not something to be rushed – it takes time and practice from you and the people you choose to have in your life. Medical News Today suggests that we can learn to be vulnerable by opening up more to our closest friends, building our ability to become more trusting, and developing skills to regulate our emotions.
4. Seek Therapy
I have been in therapy for six years and counting. I would consider therapy one of my safe spaces. I am one of those individuals who recommend therapy to everyone as it has given me the tools and resources I need to navigate my life challenges. By choosing to get help, I was able to put my PTSD and depression in remission for four years now. I have also learned how to manage my anxiety.
I am fully aware that in this season of my life requires me to do the work to unlock new levels of self. And any time where I have consciously chosen growth – the universe or life has not failed me. I was able to heal my body, my heart, and my spirit. Now, it’s time to heal my inner child, this hurt little girl who lives in me.
I will say choosing a therapist is similar to dating; you might go through a few potentials until you find a therapist you connect with. Actually, one of my lifelong friends said to me the other day, “Your relationship with your therapist is one of the most important relationships in your life.” I needed her to say that, and I needed to hear it because it’s true. You are essentially trusting a licensed stranger to help you navigate your life on so many levels.
Be picky and ask the questions. Cut the cord at the first red flag given. Again, let me reiterate that emotional detachment is not a mental health diagnosis. It can be treated with the help of a therapist. Emotional detachment only becomes a problem when it starts to interfere with your daily life. Pay attention to changes in your daily behavior and make decisions to cope accordingly.
I am genuinely excited about reconnecting with my emotions. I want to feel all the feels – good, bad, and indifferent. I want to cry all the tears – especially the sad ones. I want to process and release negative emotions. I want to say how I feel in the moment with no fear.
If you are that girl who struggles with emotional connection or thinks you're emotionally detached, I hope that you become willing to face your inner child and show up for her. Don’t run – she has been waiting for you.
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