Dulce Candy Ruiz Talks Quitting YouTube & Starting Over With A New Venture
Hair styled in a long high ponytail. Lips painted in a popping shade of red that adds even more sexiness to her statement outfit. A black, see-through lace bodysuit paired with streetwear pants of the same color, along with a matching jacket, all accented by a gorgeous set of pearls and white heels. On this sunny winter day, the look of YouTube star Dulce Candy Ruiz fills the streets of her friendly Californian neighborhood with boldness and a fresh breeze of creativity. As she poses in the driveway of her home, Jesse, her husband and biggest supporter, masters her angles and captures the best portraits of her.
Courtesy of Dulce Candy Ruiz/Instagram
From the outside, it looks just like a regular day in the life of a YouTuber who has more than a million followers on Instagram alone. Yet, when Dulce and I both sit down for an interview, I understand from the honesty and vulnerability she exudes that it was, in fact, the day everything changed. It was the day she'd finally gathered enough strength to steer away from the empire that she built to spread her wings and fly to new horizons.
"We were simply outside doing this photo shoot, and I don't know what possessed me," she explains. "I wasn't expecting myself to do that, but I did. I grabbed my phone and tweeted it out: I'm quitting YouTube."
Making the Shift: A Bold Move to Let Go
Courtesy of Dulce Candy Ruiz
The decision for Dulce to quit YouTube took five years. "I didn't have a lot of confidence to let go in the past because I was unclear as to what I wanted to do with my life, which is why it took me so long to redirect my energy," she confesses. "Because YouTube was a safe space for me—it provided me with a lot of stability, I knew what to expect—I kept reverting to the same old pattern and cycle."
Indeed, since 2008, Dulce has positioned herself as a major force in the beauty and fashion industry. Over time, her blog and social media posts, along with her viral YouTube videos, turned her into a trusted source. Most importantly, she's been able to live off of her passion even though she was convinced that foregoing a higher level of education after high school would reduce her chances of one day becoming successful. It's not hard to imagine how much of a tough choice it was to close the book on her biggest accomplishments—let alone in current times when the world is experiencing a devastating pandemic.
When asked what prompted such a bold move, Dulce admits that although YouTube was her safe space, it was no longer her healthy space. Quite the contrary, it had become somewhat of a glass ceiling that was preventing her from elevating to her higher self. "I didn't see myself growing on that platform anymore. I'd reached a point where the things that used to come easy to me before, like editing videos, setting up the lighting and background, or even the content that I was producing as a whole, left me feeling restricted and became difficult to do," she recalls. "I was often making excuses and was also constantly debating whether it was the kind of life I wanted to live or not. I considered these as big signs that it was time for me to move on."
"I believe that life is meant to be lived in a flow. When that's the case, the challenges that you come across in your journey excite you. They become a source of motivation and ultimately lead you to find happiness. On my end, these challenges were pushing me back and draining my energy. I was living in resistance."
Intently listening to Dulce reveal the reasons that drove her out, her words confirm the assumptions that I had of her: that she is the kind of woman who is very mindful of the way she feels, and she uses that information as a compass to guide her through achieving her personal legacy. As I question her on whether or not she still believes that quitting YouTube was the right thing to do, the indubitable intonation of her voice says it all. "[Quitting YouTube] was a really liberating feeling. Once I put it out to the world—an act that I had no doubts would hold me accountable to not go back to my word—the big weight and pressure that I was bearing on my shoulders instantly lifted off, which was a confirmation that I was, indeed, taking a step in the right direction."
"With that said, from the moment the simple thought of quitting crossed my mind five years ago, I knew that it was what I was supposed to do—without consulting my husband, my mother, or anybody else. Something that I learned is how important it is for us to trust our inner voice and let go of the need to seek the opinion of others."
Dulce continues, "It's mandatory to listen to our intuition and to spend the necessary time to learn about ourselves. This is what enables us to harness the power to really discover and understand what we want to do as well as who we want to become. Because deep inside, we know."
Changing the Narrative: Quitters Do Win and Winners Do Quit
Courtesy of Dulce Candy Ruiz
The more we progress as human beings, the more we grant ourselves the permission to tailor the definition of success and allow success to look different on everyone. Nevertheless, it seems like no matter what we decide to equate success to, the ultimate goal remains a common one: to live our best life—or as Dulce beautifully calls it, "passionate living"—regardless of the consequences it may entail.
"One thing I'm not going to do is to stay in a place where I don't feel fulfilled for the sake of stability. Had I stayed in the military when I was younger, I could've benefited from housing, a guaranteed paycheck at the end of every month, and a plethora of other benefits. Yet, I wasn't happy. I don't think that any kind of opportunity or amount of money is worth bringing me down, let alone costing me my peace. And so, I left."
Now, you're probably thinking that walking away from money is way easier said than done—and you're right. I would even say that it's extremely scary. But one thing that speaking with Dulce has taught me is that it's possible.
"If you're not content with your current situation and wish to pursue your goals, do like I do," she advises, "Start by investing two hours of your time daily to work on them. Filter out your surroundings and the things that you consume to help your vibration rise higher. Exert a lot of energy in your dreams and bringing your vision to life while still maintaining your other job, and without allowing the negative emotions it involves to tear you down. It's all about balance here [and keeping your why at the forefront of your mind]."
The Mexico native adds that she is now able to see and experience the world differently and can dedicate her focus to the things she enjoys and the legacy she wants to leave behind. I can't help but think about American football coach Vince Lombardi's famous saying, "Quitters never win, winners never quit." What if the latter, although motivating, was a narrative rooted in falseness or, dare I say, burnout culture? What if, in the end, we all could win regardless?
As time goes by, women of all ages, races, and social statuses keep proving that quitting does not deserve the negative connotation it's always been associated with.
In other words, if it doesn't feel right, may Dulce's testimony serve as a reminder that you're allowed to let go.
Owning Her Pivot and Expanding Her Impact
Courtesy of Dulce Candy Ruiz
At the time of our interview, Dulce still considers herself in transition, and she's giving herself the freedom to surrender to her creative callings and explore different avenues. She's also actively working on the development of her new brand called Sweet Soul—and from what we can see of her recent Instagram stories, a possible second book. (The first, titled The Sweet Life: Find Passion, Embrace Fear, and Create Success on Your Own Terms, was published in 2015 and chronicles the story of how she emigrated from Mexico to the United States, enlisted in the Army, and found her calling in beauty and fashion.) For if the butterfly has decided to desert her kingdom, something that she's not leaving behind is the garden and beautiful flowers that she's been growing for over a decade, namely her audience.
"What also drove me to quit is the fact that I do respect and care for my audience deeply. I value their time a lot and it'd be disrespectful to show up as an inauthentic version of myself that's not passionate just to stick to what I've been doing."
"I want the things they'll take away from the content that I create to always elevate them, and for that to happen, my content must evolve at the same pace as I do. It shall remain in alignment with who I am. Sweet Soul, my upcoming stationery and jewelry line, will be just that. It aims to empower women through self-discovery and self-love. Both have been a defining part of my own journey, and to make helping other women learn how to truly love themselves and how to be confident enough to step into their true essence my purpose feels natural."
Building and ensuring the success of Sweet Soul is a challenge for Dulce, though, but it's one she's excited and enthusiastic to take on. "I really feel like I'm starting from scratch again, which I technically am. It's a new path for me, one that I've never explored before. I've never owned nor have I ever built a thriving company that sells products. From securing a design house to figuring out successful sales and social media strategies, everything is a challenge."
And it's not only that that makes her new venture challenging, there's also the eventuality that she has to rebuild everything that revolves around it, especially her connections and perhaps even her following. "I'm well aware that not everyone will be interested in the things that I'm now pursuing. When you decide to initiate such a shift, everything in your life changes—your attitude, your priorities, your interests, and of course, your relationships."
In a world where individuals are constantly put in boxes, Dulce simply wishes to be seen as who she is. But if she's really to be categorized, then she's a soul-centered creator.
"My legacy doesn't necessarily have to be so huge that it shakes up the generations to come. As long as the people whom I have crossed paths with during my existence remember the way I made them feel, how I showed up in any field of my life, then that's enough for me."
For more of Dulce Candy's life and her new endeavors, follow her on social media @dulcecandy and @sweetsoul.
Featured image courtesy of Dulce Candy Ruiz.
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The most Gemini woman you'll ever meet. Communications & community enthusiast, I run a media platform centered around spirituality, and I'm always looking to connect with fellow creatives. Follow me on Instagram & Twitter @savannahtaider
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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Navigating Dating When Emotionally Unavailable & Detached: My Journey Back To Feeling
The last time I came with a dating story, I told you I got my little feelings hurt in 2021. I called myself trying to be out in these streets entertaining a man in a different area code, city, and state — only for homeboy to play in my damn face. So, I went and gave y’all "8 Rules To Casual Dating Every Woman Should Know This Summer." You’re welcome. Fast forward to 2024, and I am now coming to you from a more mature and intentional place. We’re not in summer yet, but I truly believe what blooms in spring, thrives in summer.
2023 was my year, and it was my turn. I had just completed an 8-month holistic detox. The glow-up was real and well-deserved. The way I have poured into myself is unmatched. Let me tell you, self-love is a love you have never known. After a five-year healing journey, I finally felt like myself again, and I was ready to play. My heart was open, my mind was clear, and my body hella transformed. I had told all my friends that I was ready to explore dating again, and at the height of summer, I did exactly just that.
This time I decided I wanted to take my time. I wanted to date the “right way” or the “healthy way.” You know, keep your options open, ask the right questions, believe actions and not words, observe patterns and pay attention to red, yellow, and green flags. I was never the dating app type of girl. I sincerely miss everything about human connection and dating from 2000 to 2012. Can we please bring all of that back into 2024? I prefer to feel a man’s energy and presence in real-time. Nonetheless, I still chose to dabble with a few dating apps. I was all the way outside and dating for practice.
Unfortunately, with today’s dating culture, social climate, and how some of these men move and/or behave, these dates were a dead end. Not one guy made it to my roster. What these men were was benched this season – not one of them could be my first-round select draft pick. It didn't seem like anyone I met was interested in a serious relationship. And it’s completely fine. Miss me with the ghosting, lack of effort, inconsistency, and poor communication. I continued to just do me because what is for me will not miss me.
Kelvin Murray/ Getty Images
The universe must have heard me talking because I had specifically told my closest girlfriends that I wanted to meet someone who lived in the vicinity, no more than twenty minutes away, and no more long distance. And I did meet him (it’s crazy how I manifest exactly what I want). As we started to get to know each other, I liked his energy and effort. I liked the direction it seemed to be going to the point my girlfriends had to tell me not to run from him. Because every part of me wanted to run from something that seemed normal.
I liked what he was coming with until I became uncomfortable with my own feelings, and I didn’t know how to communicate them to him.
With that said, I knew if I truly wanted to experience the truest of loves, a reciprocal, requited love, and be in a healthy relationship this story had to come to a pause. What I didn’t know was that he was going to show me things I didn’t know I needed to work on. I didn’t know he inadvertently was going to help me continue to heal parts of me that were hidden.
As someone who has learned to self-heal, I am no longer the type that runs from herself. I am here for the growth.
The truth is I am emotionally detached from myself, and I am not actively dating at the moment. I am the one that has to work on herself. My reiki healer called it, too – she told me this year would not be a year for a relationship, but a year of continuous growth. And now I see why. After all the healing work I have done thus far – I am an unemotional mess. How?
At my big age of 39, I struggle to communicate my wants and needs.
I still struggle to communicate and process uncomfortable feelings. I would rather give myself anxiety, act nonchalantly, emotionally react, and choose non-communication when I am bothered with someone than address the issue (I will later explain why). I have been ignoring my feelings for so long it has become a habit, a defense mechanism, and more so a trauma response.
If you are someone like me who grew up in a household that didn’t discuss feelings, your emotional needs were unmet, and you don’t feel safe to share your feelings – emotional detachment is quite common.
Oftentimes, we always talk about men being emotionally unavailable, but what if it’s a woman who is emotionally unavailable or emotionally detached? How does she navigate herself, dating, or being in a relationship? As I navigate my emotions this season, let’s explore what it means to be emotionally detached, the signs of detachment, and how to reconnect with yourself emotionally.
Emotional Unavailability vs. Emotional Detachment
When we look at the terminology emotional unavailability and emotional detachment, one might argue that the two terms are interchangeable and have the same meaning. One could also argue that both terms mean that some people are not in tune with their emotions or lack the emotional capacity to be responsive to someone else’s emotions. Fair enough. However, there is a big difference. The definition of emotional unavailability is described as people who have difficulty with sharing their emotions and being receptive to the emotions of those around them.
According to Verywell Mind, signs of emotional unavailability can look like being distant or cold, lack of closeness, and emotional intimacy in relationships, inability to understand and relate to others’ feelings, defensiveness when asked to change or let others in, tendency to shut down or avoid topics that require emotional openness, or withdrawal from people or situations that provoke emotional reactions.
Whereas emotional detachment is defined as the inability to or willingness to connect with others on an emotional level. Furthermore, Psychology Today states emotional detachment can also mean that people do not engage with their feelings. Exhibit A – me. Emotional detachment has various causes – past neglect, childhood or adult trauma, PTSD, depression, personality disorder, bipolar disorder, substance abuse, or, in some cases, medication (i.e. antidepressants). It is important to note emotional detachment is a complex issue. For someone like me, it’s a coping mechanism.
It is easier for me to ignore uncomfortable feelings to protect myself from stress or getting hurt. Hence, my nonchalant demeanor. It is also true for some people it is a reaction to trauma, abuse, and unprocessed emotions. Exhibit B – me. As it is difficult for me to open up about my feelings at the moment. On the contrary – emotional detachment can be helpful in navigating some situations like listening to people’s opinions and gossip.
Unfortunately, emotional detachment is not a behavior that can be turned on and off at will. Please note that emotional detachment is NOT a mental health diagnosis but can be a symptom of a mental health condition such as an attachment disorder. And if you know anything about attachment theory, it is related to the relationship we develop in our childhood with our primary caregivers.
Signs You're Emotionally Detached
Mavocado/ Getty Images
According to Psychology Today and Verywell Mind, general signs of emotional detachment can look like difficulty showing empathy to others, sharing emotions, committing to a relationship, feeling numb, poor listening skills, lack of self-esteem, preferring to be alone, struggling to feel positive emotions, inability to identify emotions, lack of physical, verbal, or sexual contact and losing touch with people or maintaining connections.
In a romantic relationship, emotional detachment shows up as you or your partner not being available for connection, poor communication, or reduced affection.
For me, my experience with emotional detachment is collective. I am an empath to my core. I don’t have a problem relating to other’s feelings or circumstances. I don’t have commitment issues, nor do I have an issue connecting with others or maintaining those connections. I struggle with sharing emotions, at least the negative ones.
Due to the emotional abuse from my childhood and a toxic relationship, I learned sharing emotions just wasn't the safe thing to do. As a survivor of trauma, I learned to suppress feeling negative emotions in general as a form of protection.
How To Reconnect To Your Emotions When You're Emotionally Unavailable
Serious Kid Cudi GIF by Apple MusicGiphyExploring my emotional side in-depth started late last year simply by noticing my reaction to something that he did. I didn’t know how to properly communicate to him how I was feeling or what he did bothered me in the moment. So, I swallowed my feelings and said absolutely nothing. I intentionally chose to avoid the issue. I chose to rationalize the situation instead of acknowledging that my feelings at the time were valid. I chose to act like everything was all good because it was all good.
“It wasn’t that deep to begin with” is what I told myself. And this is where the problem lies.
The saying is true, “What happens in your childhood shows up in your adult relationships.” I came to realize that because I was not able to express my feelings as a child, I struggled to process them. I either hold back my feelings, take a long time to say how I feel, or don’t say anything at all. This is because I fear people will walk away from me like my mother did if I share what I truly feel. I fear my feelings won’t be validated, or they will be rejected.
With that said, I was completely unaware that I was emotionally detached from myself until recently. So, here we are with this article. It all started by reading Instagram’s @theholisticpsychologist, Dr. Nicole LePera’s newest book How to Be the Love You Seek: Break Cycles, Find Peace, and Heal Your Relationships, which was released on November 28, 2023. As I read through the first chapter, I became triggered.
How Dr. LePera describes her childhood with her parents and experiences with her romantic partners somewhat mirrored my experiences with my own parents and relationships. As Dr. LaPera stated in her book, I have no issue showing up for others or meeting their needs and wants. But when it comes to expressing my own needs and wants – I cannot or I don’t. This is mainly due to my hyper-independence.
At an early age, I learned to show up for myself because the people I trusted to show up for me failed. Given my home environment, I had internalized it is not safe to talk about feelings. I never knew my emotional responses and behavior were abnormal. But because I am willing to continue to do my inner work, I know that I can reconnect to my emotions, and undo four decades of repressed emotions.
If you are someone like me who struggles with emotional connection with yourself and others, here is how you go about it:
Lighthouse Films/ Getty Images
1. Know Your Attachment Style
For me, the first step was to understand my attachment style. I asked my therapist if she could help me identify my attachment style to understand my triggers. She recommended The Attachment Theory Workbook by Annie Chen, LMFT. My therapist administered the associated online quiz – Attachment Quiz. If you haven’t figured out my attachment style yet by reading this article, I have an anxious attachment style.
This means I don’t do well with inconsistent behavior, especially from men (but I’m the type that holds men to standards too). People with an anxious attachment style have a need to feel close to their partner. It may come across as “clingy” or “needy.” However, this same need is often driven by fear of abandonment, mistrust, and low self-esteem. I would say knowing your attachment style is helpful because you can work towards having a secure attachment style (with practice) in your relationships – familial, business, work, platonic, or romantic.
2. Become Self-Aware
Most people who are not in the practice of self-care or self-healing are unaware of their triggers, patterns, and behaviors. We are so caught up in the daily minutiae of life that we forget to pay attention to the most important part of our days — ourselves. As Dr. LePera says, make it a conscious habit to pause throughout your day to check in with yourself. Ask yourself:
- How does my body feel?
- What am I doing right now?
- Am I present?
- Am I distracted and lost with other thoughts?
- What do I think or feel when I recall a specific experience with someone?
- What do I think or worry about?
- What would happen if I shared my authentic thoughts, perspective, feelings right now?”
This is what Dr. LePera refers to as exploring your embodied self or fulfilling your authentic needs in chapter two of her book. Consistent mindfulness and self-awareness are key to self-discovery and in any healing journey. Learning to focus on the present moment also includes paying attention to our emotional response to an event or how we think about emotions in general.
3. Practice Vulnerability
The idea of vulnerability is a tough one for me and so many other women for countless reasons. Whether it be toxic family, friendships, relationships, or trauma – trusting others with your thoughts and feelings is not easy. As much as I am open and transparent, I am not as vulnerable. And I believe there is so much power in the duality to be both. To trust someone, let alone a man with your authentic self is a delicate matter.
But it is emotional vulnerability that allows us humans to build authentic connections, create stronger relationships, and break down emotional walls. Emotional vulnerability is not something to be rushed – it takes time and practice from you and the people you choose to have in your life. Medical News Today suggests that we can learn to be vulnerable by opening up more to our closest friends, building our ability to become more trusting, and developing skills to regulate our emotions.
4. Seek Therapy
I have been in therapy for six years and counting. I would consider therapy one of my safe spaces. I am one of those individuals who recommend therapy to everyone as it has given me the tools and resources I need to navigate my life challenges. By choosing to get help, I was able to put my PTSD and depression in remission for four years now. I have also learned how to manage my anxiety.
I am fully aware that in this season of my life requires me to do the work to unlock new levels of self. And any time where I have consciously chosen growth – the universe or life has not failed me. I was able to heal my body, my heart, and my spirit. Now, it’s time to heal my inner child, this hurt little girl who lives in me.
I will say choosing a therapist is similar to dating; you might go through a few potentials until you find a therapist you connect with. Actually, one of my lifelong friends said to me the other day, “Your relationship with your therapist is one of the most important relationships in your life.” I needed her to say that, and I needed to hear it because it’s true. You are essentially trusting a licensed stranger to help you navigate your life on so many levels.
Be picky and ask the questions. Cut the cord at the first red flag given. Again, let me reiterate that emotional detachment is not a mental health diagnosis. It can be treated with the help of a therapist. Emotional detachment only becomes a problem when it starts to interfere with your daily life. Pay attention to changes in your daily behavior and make decisions to cope accordingly.
I am genuinely excited about reconnecting with my emotions. I want to feel all the feels – good, bad, and indifferent. I want to cry all the tears – especially the sad ones. I want to process and release negative emotions. I want to say how I feel in the moment with no fear.
If you are that girl who struggles with emotional connection or thinks you're emotionally detached, I hope that you become willing to face your inner child and show up for her. Don’t run – she has been waiting for you.
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Feature image by fizkes/ Getty Images