As children, we all dream of the lives we'll live.
Back then, I thought I had it all figured out. I knew I had to go to school, attend college and graduate by a certain date, get married by 28, have kids by 30, and thrive in my career well before a single strand of gray hair had the chance to pay me a visit. That's what many of us are told, right? If only things were that easy. The truth of the matter is, they aren't.
Life doesn't come with a timeframe, but we tend to live like it does.
I'm learning now what it means to not be on anyone else's timeline except for my own. This can be said to be true about my education, relationship, career, and a plethora of other life decisions that I've made along the way. I think many of us subconsciously live our lives more for others at times than we do for ourselves. We are often pressed to accomplish things by certain points in our lives because of our beliefs, what we see on social media, what we've been taught, and the pressure placed upon us.
We all battle our internal struggles and wanting to "measure up," but at what point do we learn to live our best life how we see fit?
This is something that I've battled with.
I've always lived my life according to my parent's timeline until I was forced to become an adult. For me, I got my first taste of being on my grown ish when I went to college. I had plans of graduating within the standard four years and landing a well-paying job in my field. I'm thankful for the ability to laugh about it now because God clearly had other plans. I was forced to put my education on hold in the name of motherhood. That's right, I wasn't careful and managed to get knocked up my freshman year of college. To say my mother was disappointed is putting it lightly. After all, my mother, and much of my surrounding family members, had my life figured out for me.
It would be one of the many times I was put in an awkward place of letting my folks down. However, it wasn't the first time, and it certainly wasn't the last. As I reflect, I'm thankful for all that has happened in my life, even the unplanned moments. Some of those moments ended up being "bumps" in the road and were rough, but simply prepared me for the paths to come.
It's easy to fall into the trap of living the perfect life, but I challenge you to answer the following question: what is the perfect life anyway?
Remember that collegiate hiatus I was forced to take? After landing a job in the communications field I was attending college for, I ended up going back to college and graduating. Many questioned this choice to return to school as a thirty-something mom of three but I managed it and then some. In doing so, it gave me a sense of self-accomplishment. I owed it to myself to finish what I started and well beyond my original "deadline." I'm not saying this to deter anyone from finishing college, nor am I boasting about my poor life choices, but for me, things have seemed to truly fall into place.
This isn't to say I haven't beat myself up a few times for feeling as if I was inadequate, but at some point it is critical to decide to bet on YOU.
In a social media driven society, it becomes the norm to find yourself comparing your life to the next. Honestly, that's entirely too much pressure being placed on any of us.
After all is said and done, what it is for you, will be for you.
That dream job will be there. That man/woman will come. That degree will be waiting with your name on it. Your time is just that, your time. Don't get so wrapped up in having it all figured it out within a certain period of time that you miss out on living life. That's just not always realistic.
I encourage you to do things on your own time, for your own reasons, and because it's what YOU want. You owe it to yourself because, before you know it, you'll look up and life will pass you by. Always remember these three words:
Don't be pressed.
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To help you better understand why this was such a mental awakening for me, I first need to give a bit of my backstory. I’m in my late thirties. I’m an attorneyand a journalist. I own a home and have traveled the world extensively. Essentially, I’ve done everything in life I set out to do. However, when it comes to dating, I struggle. Not because there is anything wrong with me per se, but because my career and “lifestyle” often create problems in my romantic relationships.
View from my hotel room
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I’ve been told everything from, ‘I can’t continue to date you because you seem to choose your career over wanting to settle down and have kids’ by a man after only the second date to ‘Maybe if you just sat down somewhere for a while, I’d actually wife you’ by someone who has honestly never proven themselves to be the settle down type. And these are only a handful of the things I’ve been told over the years.
It’s been frustrating, to say the least, and there have even been seasons where I purposely dimmed my light in hopes that my career wouldn’t push away potential suitors. I know what you’re thinking, “Girl, why would you even consider that? If they’re for you, it won’t matter what you do.” Hey, don’t judge me, but also, I one hundred percent agree.
My hotel bathroom
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That’s why this recent moment in Switzerland was right on time. When I first walked into the hotel to check in, I was blown away by the surrounding beauty. It was a five-star property with one of the world’s most famous thermal bathhouses. Yet, it was something about seeing that 90% of the hotel’s guests were couples, that forced me to sit back for a bit of introspection—while soaking in the thermal spa, of course.
As I went through the mental conversation, there was a battle of sorts. On one hand, I knew that being able to partake in experiences like the one I was having at that moment was important to me. I knew that, at times I actually love being able to dabble in the finer things—after all, I’ve worked hard to be able to afford them. On the other hand, and sadly, I knew that sometimes being a single Black woman that publicly showcases her “luxurious” habits can intimidate men and even scare them off from pursuing you under the guise of them feeling like they “can’t do anything for you, because you have everything.”
My hotel room
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So, what is a girl to do?
Do I minimize/hide the life and experiences that I have? Do I play down the hard work I’ve put in to get where I am professionally? Or, do I risk being single in exchange for being able to have said life, without backlash?
Luckily, the joy that I felt while being at this property won. There was something about taking a full day to simply pamper myself at the bathhouse and in my in-room steam shower and soaker tub, indulging in cuisine from a 2-star Michelin restaurant and doing all of this while surrounded by an amazing group of Black women that reminded me—this is certainly the life I was meant to live and that I deserve. Even if it means that right now, I’ll just have to provide it for myself until the right partner comes along. And honestly, I’m okay with that.
Restaurant at 7132 hotel
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