I've had the honor and pleasure of being a regular feature writer for xoNecole for a little over a year now. And something that I've noticed—really without even planning it—is I've been really into penning sex-themed articles. Last fall, we explored how to have some great "fall sex". Christmas, we got into how to have some ho-ho-ho (c'mon, you know what I mean) sex. So, how in the world could Valentine's Day roll around and I not offer up some tips on how to have some cupid-themed coitus?
What got me even more excited to pen this is the fact that this year, Valentine's Day is on a Friday. This means that if you plan it out right, you've got the entire weekend to put these 15 tips into play. So, are you ready to make Valentine's Day the best day of the year when it comes to getting freaky-deaky? Read on, sis. Forward it to your man while you're at it.
1. “Edge” in the Morning Before Work
A poet by the name of Sylvia Townsend Warner once said, "Anticipation of pleasure is a pleasure itself." Yep. What she said. And when it comes to sex, one of the best ways to create the feeling of anticipation is edging. I'm assuming that a lot of y'all already know what that is, but just to be safe, edging is when you get you and your partner to the point of having an orgasm, but you don't allow yourself to completely climax. Why would someone "torture" themselves in that way? It's because the build-up only intensifies the orgasm once you actually do have it. So yeah, start off your Valentine's Day by at least getting a little foreplay in. Just make sure that neither of you "complete the act". It will drive you both crazy in the best kind of way. You'll be thinking about your partner all day long and since our brain is our biggest sex organ, edging really is one of the best kinds of sexual stimulation that there is.
2. Send Your Partner Something “Naughty” to Work
When's the last time you send your boo thang something at work? Since Valentine's Day is a day when bouquets and other cutesy stuff tends to be in abundance at the office, use this as a time to have a courier send your partner a very special well-wrapped package. It can be some lace panties, a hotel room key, a sex toy or some sensual massage oil. Anything that makes the message abundantly clear that today some ish is going down—just as soon as your partner walks through the door.
3. Have Their Favorite Meal Delivered to Their Job Too
If you and your partner were considering having a romantic dinner on Valentine's Day, while that's certainly a sweet gesture and all, it's not really the wisest thing if you want to have sex afterwards. Aside from the fact that it can definitely set you up for getting the "itis" and being too tired to have sex, heavy meals prevent us from feeling very sexy.
Plenty of nutritionists and dieticians recommend eating high-calorie breakfasts or lunches and following that up with a light dinner. So, if you want to treat your loved one to a nice V-Day meal, meet them for lunch or have their favorite mid-day meal delivered to their place of work. Eat something lighter later that evening (more on this in a moment).
4. Pick Up a “Sex Pillow”
I was recently talking to a wife about how her husband is constantly trying to put her legs over his shoulders. For years, it wasn't her favorite position because, well, everybody ain't a gymnast, ya know? But once she invested into a sex pillow that supported her back while elevating her body, it became an instant go-to for her as well. Moral to the story, you'd be amazed what you can do if you've got a sex pillow of your own in tow. If you need a few referrals, Cosmo and Refinery 29 has a few recommendations.
5. Get Some Red (or Purple or Orange) Light Bulbs Too
A part of what makes sex great is the ambiance, right? If your man loves looking at you during sex (and a ton of men do) but you're a little on the self-conscious side, swap out the bulbs in your bedroom (or wherever it is that you plan on getting it in) to red, purple or orange ones. These are the hues that make a room feel warmer and make us feel sexier. This one tip alone can totally bring out another side of you. Trust me.
6. Order In
Who wants to cook for hours and then stay up all night having sex? If you don't want to go out to eat because restaurants are going to be crowded but you don't really feel like cooking either, order something for dinner to be delivered to your house. On the heels of what I said earlier, just make sure that it's something light like salmon, sushi bowls, Indian dishes, veggie risotto, elaborate salads—something that is delicious and won't leave you starving but also something that won't make you want to immediately fall asleep afterwards either.
7. Put Together an “Emotional” Spotify Playlist
Something that I'm so glad is back is All Def Digital. Anyway, some of the team recently did a Great Taste episode entitled "Best Sex Position". Aside from it being pretty funny, I must say that I don't know what KevOnStage was talking about (at the 5:45 mark) when he said that he prefers sex without any music. What in the world? Although I do get how "the sound of belly smacks" (his words, not mine) can be erotic, going without a playlist sounds a little cray-cray if you ask me. Besides, there is plenty of evidence to support that music during sex triggers the production of the feel-good hormone dopamine.
My two cents would be to come up with a playlist that doesn't only consist of sex jams. Find ones that take you back to your first kiss, the first time you said, "I love you" and, if you're married, your wedding day. Most people will agree that sex that comes with an emotional connection as well as a physical desire is the best kind of sex that there is. Music is a fabulous way to "merge the two lanes" and make you feel that much closer to your partner.
8. Make a DIY Chocolate Strawberry Sugar Scrub
When we think about Valentine's Day, a signature thing that comes to mind is chocolate. It's a traditional gift. It tastes good. It's also an aphrodisiac. The reason why chocolate makes us horny is because it contains tryptophan and phenylethylamine; both of these things help to stimulate sexual arousal. If you want to feed each other chocolate candy, feel free. Or, if you'd like to take a more amatory approach, make a chocolate-covered sugar scrub. If bathing together is on the agenda, it's probably the most delicious way to exfoliate that I can think of. You can cop a fairly easy DIY recipe here.
9. Get Creative with Rose Petals
Roses are nice. But who said that they always have to be used in the traditional—and predictable—kind of way? Take a bath with your man in some rosewater (you can DIY it by clicking here). Give each other a sensual massage with some rose essential oil. Sprinkle rose petals all over your bed. Or purchase something that straight up tickled me—a rose blunt wrap. Not only are roses super sweet, sentimental and romantic, but the scent of roses is considered to be an aphrodisiac too. A part of the reason why is because the smell of this particular flower has a way of calming down your nervous system while heightening your sensitivity to touch. All of these are good enough reasons to definitely make roses a part of your Valentine's Day sex night plan, whether they are your favorite flower or not.
10. Put Some Fantasies in a Jar—then Pull Two (or More) of ‘Em Out
I try and convey, as often as possible, that there are three jars that I think every couple should have in their possession—a date jar, a sex jar and a fantasy jar. Fantasy jars are important because they encourage you to tap into your imagination in order to get some of your sexual creative juices flowing. One way to learn more about each other's wilder sides is to get out a piece of paper, cut it into long pieces and have each of you write a fantasy on each one. Then put the pieces of paper in a jar, shake the jar around and pull two out. Whatever it says, agree to do (or at least consider doing). Chances are, both of you will discover a new "kink" that neither of you was aware of. Fantasies are always a surefire way to breathe new life into anyone's sex life.
11. Toast Each Other with Red Wine
Since this year, Valentine's Day falls on a Friday, you can actually turn it into a staycation sexcation if you want to. You know what else you can do? Toss a few extra drinks back. If you're planning to be home all weekend and you want to get drunkety drunk, why not? For the record, what I will say is if you want alcohol to actually enhance your sexual experience, it's best to go with red wine.
It is proven that the plant flavonol quercetin that's in it will not only increase testosterone levels in men, but it will increase blood flow to women's erogenous zones too.
Put a romantic spin on gettin' crunk by toasting your partner with words of affirmation and love. It's a great way to emotionally connect while getting horny at the same time. Just sayin'.
12. Replace the Grapefruit with a Chocolate-Glazed Donut
I read and research the topic of sex a lot, so I honestly can't tell you where I happened upon this, but it stayed in my head. What is "it"? Well, although many people didn't know about "the grapefruit" until the movie Girls Trip, those of us who are self-professed oral sex connoisseurs are fully aware that there is someone else to thank. The originator (at least to my knowledge)? Her name is Angel. You can watch her video here. It is totally NSFW, so make sure your earplugs are in or you watch it once you get home.
Anyway, I read somewhere that an, umm, different variation to this is to swap out the grapefruit for a chocolate-glazed donut. That's right. Actually slip the donut onto your partner's shaft and see how much chocolate you can get off of it without actually eating the donut itself. I'm thinking this is a great "win" for folks who hate how grapefruit tastes. Plus, since chocolate is an aphrodisiac, it can only make giving fellatio that much…well, sweeter.
13. Get Your “Vagitarian” to Do Some Light Blowing
A few months back, when I wrote about sexual deal-breakers, something that I should have mentioned was being with a man who is not a vagitarian. I'm pretty sure you can guess what that is, right? How anyone can be with someone who isn't down with cunnilingus—cough, cough, DJ Khaled—is beyond me, chile. But to each their own…I guess. Anyway, something that a couple of women say makes them want to climb the walls is when their man lightly blows on their clitoris right when they are about to cum. They say that it creates a tingling sensation that is bar none. Since that little organ houses 8,000 nerve endings, I can see why that lil' trick is a fan favorite. Try it and report back.
14. Try the Goodnight Kiss, Clapper and/or Pretzel Dip Sex Position
I think that special days are a great time to break out a new sex position. This Valentine's Day, how about the Goodnight Kiss, the Clapper or the Pretzel Dip? The Goodnight Kiss is basically just like it sounds, with a twist. Face one another, kiss passionately and then participate in mutual masturbation while you're kissing. From there, you can transition into the Clapper. Get on your knees and lean forward, making sure to stretch your arms past your head. Then have your partner come behind you with his arm holding him up and his legs outside of your hips as he penetrates you. From there, how about the Pretzel Dip? For this one, I can show you easier than I can tell you. Relatively speaking, of course (click here).
15. Sleep in and Have Some Morning Sex Too
Again, Valentine's Day is on a Friday this year so, where you got to go on Saturday? If you have kids, set up a sleepover at one of their friend's house and make plans to sleep in until at least noon. And by "sleep" what I mean is have lots and lots of morning sex. Is there anything better than sex, then sleep, only to wake up and have some more sex? Exactly. Happy Valentine's Day. Make it a really, really good one. Whew, chile.
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Anyway, I personally think that the less shallow folks out here may contemplate calling things “quits” or they at least distance themselves a bit from their partner (and what I’m referring to is serious relationships) due to all of the stress and strain that oftentimes comes with the holidays whether it be financial, familial, due to their tight schedules or something else.
Listen, I would hate for you and your man to miss the fun and happiness of experiencing this time of year, all because you are so overwhelmed or irritated that you can’t really enjoy it. That’s why I have a few practical tips for how to avoid allowing the typical holiday season stress from INFECTING your relationship.
Manage Your Expectations
GiphyUnmanaged expectations. If there is a main reason why the holiday season tends to be so stress-filled for so many people, I’d bet good money that this is the cause. And when you’re in a long-term relationship, expectations can manifest themselves in all sorts of cryptic and/or unexpected ways. You might have relatives who assume that you are going to be with them for Thanksgiving or Christmas when you have other plans in mind. You might be thinking that you are going to spend one amount for presents while your man is thinking something totally different. When it comes to scheduling, your signals may be crossed.
And you know what? To all of these scenarios, this is where clear and consistent communication come in. Don’t assume anything. Don’t dictate anything either. From now until New Year’s, mutually decide to check in once a week, just to make sure that you are both on the same page as it relates to the holidays and what you both are thinking will come along with it. The less blindsided you both feel, the less stressed out you will be. Trust me on this.
Set (and Keep) a Budget
GiphyOkay, so I read that last year, 36 percent of Americans incurred some type of holiday-related debt. Hmph. Last year, there was still some sense of normalcy in this country, chile, so I can only imagine what finances are gonna look like over the next several weeks. That said, since I don’t know a lot of people who don’t find being broke stressful, make sure that you and your bae set a budget and then stick to it this year — no ifs, ands or buts.
Because really, y’all — it doesn’t make sense to deplete savings and/or max out credit cards for a few days of giggles only to be damn near losing your mind because you don’t know how to make ends meet come Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. Day.
And by the way, this tip doesn’t just speak to things like food and gifts; I also mean travel. If it doesn’t make a ton of sense (or cents) to be all over the place this year — DON’T BE.
Keep Matthew 5:37 at the Forefront
GiphyIf off the top of your head, you don’t know what Matthew 5:37 says, no worries, here ya go: “But let your ‘Yes’ be ‘Yes,’ and your ‘No,’ ‘No.’ For whatever is more than these is from the evil one.” That verse right there? Oh, it’s a boundaries lifesaver! I say that because do you see “maybe” or “I’ll think about it” in there? Nope. LOL. It says that you should tell people “yes” or “no” and leave it at that — and that complements Anne Lamott’s quote, “’No’ is a complete sentence” impeccably well. Yeah, you’ve got to remember that anything beyond a yes or no to a request is privileged information; you don’t owe anyone details or an explanation.
Besides, if you are really honest with yourself, when someone asks you something and you give a “Umm, let me think about it” kind of reply, more times than not, you already know what your answer is going to be — so why not let you both off of the hook? Give your response. Commit to that. And let everyone (including yourself) get on with their lives and schedules.
I promise you that when it comes to those holiday parties, you are pissing more folks off by not RSVP’ing or doing so and not showing up than just saying, “Thank you but not this year” off the rip.
Remember That Your Personal Space Is Privilege Not a Right
GiphyA friend of mine recently bought a new house and invited me over to come see it. He’s a single man with no children, so as I was taking in all of the space that he had, especially as I walked through his finished basement, I joked about relatives coming to live with him. “Hell no” and “absolutely not” were pretty much his immediate responses as he went on to say that some folks even had the nerve to be offended when he told them that he had no intentions on taking DNA in.
Ain’t it wild how people think that your stuff is their right? And yes, that brings me to my next point. Your home is your sanctuary space. If you want to host folks this year — cool. If not, ALSO COOL. Please don’t let folks (family included) guilt you into how they want you to act or even into what they would do if the shoe was on the other foot. You are not them — and as one of my favorite quotes states, “If two people were exactly alike, one of them would be unnecessary.” (A man by the name Larry Dixon said that.)
Hell, my friends? They know that I am good for sending them random things that they need or even want all throughout the year. Coming over to hang out at my pace, though. Uh-uh. Chalk it up to being a card-carrying member of the ambivert club yet I like keeping my living space personal — and I sleep like a baby, each and every night, for feeling that way.
Always remember that your space, your time, your resources, your energy and shoot, yourself period (including your relationship), are all things that are your own. You get to choose how, when and why you want to share them. The holiday season is certainly no exception.
Cultivate Some “You Two Only” Traditions
GiphyIt’s not uncommon for some couples to hit me up after the holiday season to “detox.” Sometimes it’s due to the financial drama (and sometimes trauma) that they experienced. Sometimes it’s because they allowed their relatives (especially in-laws) to get more into their personal business than they should’ve. More than anything, though, it tends to be because they didn’t get enough quality time together and so ended up feeling “disconnected.”
Please don’t let that happen. Listen, I’m not even a holidays kind of woman and yet, I will absolutely sit myself down with some hot chocolate and chocolate chip cookies to enjoy a Hallmark holiday film or two. Aside from the fact that most of them are lighthearted and sweet, I also like that they usually focus on couples loving on each other amidst all of the holiday beauty and ambiance — which is something that all couples should set aside some time to do.
Maybe it’s a vacation. Maybe it’s a staycation. Or maybe it’s my personal favorite, A SEXCATION. Whether it’s for a few days, the weekend or even overnight — don’t you let the holidays go by without setting aside time for you and your man to celebrate one another. Don’t you dare (check out “Are You Ready To Have Some Very Merry 'Christmas Sex'?”).
GET. SOME. REST.
GiphyI once read that 8 out of 10 people get stressed out over the holidays and 3 out of 10 lose sleep during to it — and when you’re stress-filled and sleep-deprived, that can absolutely lead to hypersensitivity, making mountains out of molehills and even not being in the mood for sex.
Your relationship can’t afford to go through any of this, so definitely make sure to prioritize rest. I don’t care how unrealistic it might seem during this time, sleep should never be seen as a luxury; it will always and forever be a great necessity.
That said, try to get no less than six hours of shut-eye in (check out “6 Fascinating Ways Sex And Sleep Definitely Go Hand In Hand”) and even ask your bae to take a nap with you sometimes (check out “Wanna Have Some Next-Level Sex? Take A Nap, Sis.”). Not only will sleep help to restore your mind, body and spirit but, when it’s with your partner, it’s an act of intimacy that can make you both feel super connected, even in the midst of what might feel like chaos.
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Holiday season stress is real. Still, never give it the permission or power to throw your relationship off. Put you and your man first and let the holidays be what they are gonna be, chile.
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1. Bamboo Leaf Tea
Raise your hand if you’ve ever tried bamboo leaf tea before. If you’re a doula like myself, you may have recommended it to a mom who is getting really close to her due date because some studies say that it can help with uterine contractions when it comes to making them more bearable.
Because we are focusing strictly on beauty today, though, this particular tea makes the list because it’s rich in amino acids, magnesium, zinc, antioxidants, copper, potassium and calcium that all work together to provide you with healthy skin, strong hair with reduced breakage and, thanks to the silica that is in it, nails that will grow the length that you want them to as well.
2. Warm Pea Milk
Another word for warm pea milk is ripple milk; it’s a milk alternative that’s been made from yellow peas that is rich in protein, Vitamin D, iron, potassium and calcium (reportedly 150 percent more than cow’s milk. Wild, right?). Since it’s great for the environment (y’all, almond milk actually isn’t) and it’s low in sugar and carbs, that’s why it’s becoming more and more popular, en masse.
As far as beauty tips go, this is a drink to try because, mentioned nutrients aside, something else that it is rich in is sunflower oil. Your skin will appreciate that because sunflower oil helps to protect it from free radicals while supporting your skin’s barrier so that it remains moisturized for longer periods of time. This oil, along with the vtamin E that it also contains can reduce hair breakage and, since sunflower oil also has antifungal properties, it can help to prevent fungal infections on your nails while providing a natural sheen to them.
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3. Mexican Hot Chocolate
If nothing makes you happier than a cup of hot chocolate, treat yourself to some Mexican hot chocolate before the holiday season ends. It’s basically hot chocolate that has a bit of a “kick” to it, thanks to the chili and/or cayenne and cinnamon powders that are added to it.
And yes, it’s those things that help to make it a great beauty drink too. Since chili powder (which is ground chili peppers) contains the chemical compound capsaicin, that can reduce the pain and inflammation that is associated with psoriasis; plus, it helps to reduce skin inflammation, reduces the appearance of cellulite and contains anti-aging properties too. Cinnamon has been known to support hair growth while hindering hair loss and word on the street is cinnamon is an all-natural way to treat toe fungus as well.
4. Hot Oaxacan Penicillin Cocktail
I’ll be honest — out of all of these, the one that I learned the most about is a drink known as the Hot Oaxacan Penicillin Cocktail. What makes it hot is hot water. What makes it a “beauty drink” is the tequila, ginger and honey. Tequlia can be good for your skin, thanks to the astringent properties that are in it. Ginger is good for your skin because its antioxidant, anti-inflammatory, anticancer and antimicrobial properties can help to slow down the aging process.
Ginger is also good for your hair because it stimulates your hair follicles, so that they can get more of the nutrients that they need while helping to soothe and heal an irritated scalp. Ginger can also to keep your nails nice and healthy. And honey? Honey is a humectant; this means that it can help to keep your skin, hair and nails moisturized from the inside out.
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5. Milk Thistle Tea
I grew up with a mother who basically obsessed over herbs, so I’ve been knowing about milk thistle, in supplement form, for a long time now. What I remember most about it is it’s an herb that helps to detox your liver — and that alone can make it a great beauty addition since, the clearer your system is, the healthier your skin, hair and nails will be in return. In fact, thanks to its pretty potent antioxidants and anti-inflammatory properties, milk thistle can help to speed up the healing process of acne.
Also, it can help to even out your skin, slow down signs of aging and deeply hydrate your skin too. Your hair will like milk thistle because it helps to stimulate hair growth while also helping to prevent hair loss. And, as far as your nails go, milk thistle is great because it supports the production of keratin, so that your nails remain strong instead of brittle.
6. Wassail
Right around Christmastime, many people find themselves drinking wassail. It’s basically a type of apple cider that has citrus fruit, fresh apples and spices in it (sometimes it also has cranberries and bourbon or brandy in it too). In fact, since there are so many ingredients in this particular drink, I’m only going to shout-out a few ways that it benefits your hair, skin and nails (feel free to Google each ingredient for more intel).
Apples are good for your skin because they are loaded with antioxidants that can help to keep your skin healthy. They also have acids in them that can help to prevent too much dead skin accumulation; plus, they contain collagen that can keep your skin looking young, fresh and radiant. The spice nutmeg is good for your hair because it contains properties that reduce hair shedding, dandruff flakes and it helps to heal scalp infections. Another popular spice in wassail is cloves. They can be good for your nails because they can fight nail fungus; oftentimes before it even starts.
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7. Honey, Lemon and Mint Water
If you’re feeling like a cold is coming on, the combination of honey, lemon and mint water can do you a world of good. Not only is honey soothing to a sore throat, it contains properties that can actually shorten the lifespan of a cold. Lemon contains vitamin C that can help to boost your immune system. And mint water? Well, it has antimicrobial, anti-inflammatory and antioxidant properties that can help to fight the viruses that cause colds in the first place.
Beauty-wise, this combination is impressive too. Honey also has antimicrobial properties that can help to keep breakouts at bay. Your hair will like honey because it reduces breakage while adding shine. And your nails? Honey can keep your nails strong and your cuticles in a hydrated state, so that you don’t have to worry about hangnails so much. The vitamin C in lemons helps to boost your collagen levels so that your skin, hair and nails looks youthful. And mint water is an awesome detoxifier for your skin, clarifier as a hair rinse and it’s another way to keep your nails looking healthy from the inside out.
8. Crockpot Red Wine Hot Cocoa
Geeze: wine and cocoa? In the same drink?! Yep. Not only is this particular recipe absolutely delicious but, as we close this all out, it’s one more drink that is good for you, from head to toe. You can read my article “12 Ways Dark Chocolate Can Benefit Your Body From Head To Toe” to learn more about how chocolate is able to soften the appearance of wrinkles, protect your skin from damaging skin rays and deeply nourish your scalp. Also, dark chocolate can help your nails because the copper in chocolate can help to fight off bacteria while the magnesium and iron in chocolate are able to produce the healthy forms of keratin that your nails are made out of.
And red wine? Skin-wise, it helps to protect it from free radicals, reduces inflammation and improves both the texture and tone of your skin over time. Hair-wise, it helps to reduce frizz while also fighting to prevent hair loss. Also, since red wine contains properties that slow down cellular aging, it can help to keep your hands and nails looking younger for longer periods of time too.
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Is there anything more soothing and comforting than a mug that is full of a warm and delicious drink? And now that you know of something that can have you looking better than you already do — it’s time to Instacart some of these ingredients (recipes are featured in some of the hyperlinks).
Your skin, hair and nails are just waiting for you to!
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