Here's How To Have Some Really Great Fall-Themed Sex
You know it and I know it. There is a ton of information, both online and off, about sex. That's why I do my best to try and conduct some of my own unofficial polls to get insight that isn't typically discussed. Recently I asked some people I know, "What can make sex a not-so-great experience, even if the sex itself is good?" It might seem like seem like an odd question initially, but when you see what most people said, I think it'll make more sense to you. What they said was "predictability".
One man said to me, "The sex that I have with my partner is amazing, except for the fact that she's not very creative. When I recommend things that are a little 'off the cuff' or 'outside of the box', she usually politely declines because she claims that knowing what to expect is what relaxes her enough to have the kind of sex that we do."
Hmph. When you really stop to think about that, to a certain extent, that makes sense. So, how can two people find a happy medium when one wants to try new things and the other—well, not so much? I say ease into newness slowly.
Take this beautiful season that we're currently in, for example. If you are the actual partner who wants to switch things up in the bedroom, how about incorporating some things that scream "fall's here!", are uber romantic, but can still spice things up a bit at the same time. If you're down to try—and you think you can convince your partner to be down as well—I've got a few fall-themed tricks up my sleeve.
1. Make Out in a Maze, While Apple Picking or in Some Leaves—First
Maybe it's because autumn is absolutely my favorite season that I also find it to be the most romantic. It's definitely the time of year when you and yours can walk through a corn maze together, do some apple picking, attend a harvest festival or simply rake up a pile of leaves in your front yard. Then, while you're at it, like they used to say in the 80s—make out.
Sometimes, the best sex is all about building anticipation before the act. Going out on a date together and doing a lot of hand holding and kissing while you're all caught up in the autumn atmosphere is a great "appetizer" before the main course (if you know what I mean).
2. Get Some Velvet Bedding
If you don't own any velvet bedding, do yourself (and your sex life) a favor and cop some this year. Not only is it super soft and luxurious, it's an opulent way to keep warm this fall and winter season. Just think about how plush and pampering this type of material is; how sensual you and yours will feel as you're rolling all around in it.
If a part of you is hesitant about making this type of purchase because you think that velvet fabric leans on the side of being high-maintenance, it's actually not. For the most part, you can treat it just like you would any of your other sheets or bedding; just make sure to turn everything inside out so that the part that you lay on doesn't attract a lot of lint (you can read more about all of this here).
3. Light Some Fall-Scented Soy Candles
Apple-Cinnamon. Vanilla. Amber. Cranberry. Pumpkin. Pine. Butterscotch. Patchouli. Caramel. Fig. These are just some of the signature scents of fall; something that most of them have in common is they are aphrodisiacs too. Since it's been scientifically-proven that the better our sense of smell is, the greater our sexual experiences tend to be, why wouldn't you want to fill your sexual space with smells that will only heighten your sensuality?
Plus, the glow of candles flickering in a dark room is really sexy. And, if you go with soy ones, they last longer and burn cleaner. A great "fall sex addition" all the way around, if you ask me.
4. Turn on Some “Fall Sounding” ASMR
I don't care what y'all's president thinks, climate change is real and I'm proud of all of the young people who've been protesting around the world about it. So, what does this even remotely have to do with what we've been talking about? Well, even though it's officially fall, as I'm sitting here and typing this, it's in the high 80s with plenty of sunshine in Nashville; not even close to being classic autumn weather—cool, cloudy, rainy with harsh winds.
Thanks to ASMR (Autonomous Sensory Meridian Response), via sound machines and even YouTube, you don't need to wait for a perfect fall day in order to set the mood. To make your room extra dark, hang up some blackout curtains. Then play sounds of rain or wind. On the YouTube tip, all you need to do is go the search field and put "rain sounds" or "wind sounds" and you're all set.
5. Play the “Fall Game” with Each Other
Sex isn't all about physically connecting. It's about emotionally connecting too. One way to feel emotionally close to your partner is to play a sentimental "fall game". Share some memories of the first time you fell for each other's looks or fell for each other's personality orfell in love overall. Based on what each of you recall and the circumstances surrounding everything, it can bring a lot of laughs as well as sentimentality into the atmosphere.
6. Do a Little of Your Own Version of “Trick-or-Treat”
Have you ever checked out the true origin of Halloween? It's creepier than a lot of people realize. But if you want to lighten up the mood a bit, put your own twist on trick-or-treat indoors this year. You and your man can dress up in costumes (or roleplay) or you can simply get candies that have a bit of a sexy theme to them. Some that I saw on Etsy include Sex on the Beach fudge and real-sized chocolate penises. You could make some cookies with a Kama Sutra rolling pin (that literally has sexual positions on it) or a sex position cookie cutter. Or how about some chocolate that's infused with the aphrodisiac damiana? Talk about candy (or cookies) that's sweet to the lips…on a few levels.
7. Dip Various Body Parts in Apple Cider or Cocoa
Our inner thighs. Our fingers. Our palms. Behind our knees. His nipples. His inner wrists. His navel. The small of his back. These are some of the erogenous zones that don't get talked about—or explored—as much as they should on women and men. The way I see it, there's no time like the present. So, as you're in the process of getting a little foreplay action going on, bring in some signature fall drinks—warm apple cider and cocoa—to pour onto these parts of the body, so that you both can lick them off. It's something that everyone involved will richly enjoy. I'll bet good money on that.
8. Give Your Man a Ginger Oil Massage
I'll give you two dollars if you can tell me what "figging" is without looking it up first. I'll tell you what, it was definitely my something new for the day when I happened upon it on the 'net. Figging is what it's called when you put a piece of fresh raw and peeled ginger either into your vagina or anus or your partner's anus in order to create a tingling sensation.
Please hear me when I say this—I am an avid ginger user, so when I think of a raw form of it going into any orifice of my body, it's a hard pass (ginger is pretty strong). But what I do recommend is giving your man a nice ginger oil massage.
Ginger is in season right now; it's a natural way to increase blood circulation to his lower region and heighten the sensitivity of his erogenous zones.
If a ginger oil massage is something you've never tried before, there's a great recipe for the oil here. (By the way, it's also a great oil for sore muscles after a workout too.)
9. Use Cinnamon Oil on Each Other’s Genitalia
Me? I'm always gonna be a cinnamon oil fan! It's a true fall season scent, it tastes good and the warming sensation that it provides is perfect for fellatio and cunnilingus. All you need to do is put a little bit of it into your mouth and, well, go to town!
A word of caution—if one or both of you have sensitive skin, put a dab on the back of each other's hand, just to make sure it's not too strong for either one of you. As far as the kind of oil you should try, the one that I recommend, across the board, is Sun Essentials Oils. No need to warm it up; cinnamon is naturally hot, sensation-wise, all on its own. It'll quickly become a fan favorite.
10. Cuddle Before. Cuddle After.
Maybe it's because it's colder outside than during the spring or summer season, but when I think of having sex in the fall, cuddling definitely comes to mind. Whether it's before or after sex, after checking out Health's "5 Sex Positions to Heat Up Chilly Fall Nights", turn on (or up) some of your favorite slow jams and—snuggle face-to-face, let him lay on top of you while you wrap your legs around him, do some extra tight and long spooning, or hold hands while one of your heads is on the other's stomach.
Cuddling is a wonderfully sweet and sentimental way to emotionally connect, feel safe and relax yourself after all of the mind-blowing sex you're about to have. It's one of the best things, I think, about "fall sex". Here's to three months full of PLENTY of it, sis.
Want more stories like this? Sign up for our newsletter here and check out the related reads below:
Married Couples: These 6 DIY Recipes Will Take Your Sex Life To The Next Level
The 70 Sex Position, Vegan Condoms & Other Current Sex Trends
The 6 Sex Toys & Pleasure Accessories Every Couple Needs
This Is How You Master The Female Orgasm
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Different puzzle pieces are creating bigger pictures these days. 2024 will mark a milestone on a few different levels, including the release of my third book next June (yay!).
I am also a Professional Certified Coach. My main mission for attaining that particular goal is to use my formal credentials to help people navigate through the sometimes tumultuous waters, both on and offline, when it comes to information about marriage, sex and relationships that is oftentimes misinformation (because "coach" is a word that gets thrown around a lot, oftentimes quite poorly).
I am also still super devoted to helping to bring life into this world as a doula, marriage life coaching will always be my first love (next to writing, of course), a platform that advocates for good Black men is currently in the works and my keystrokes continue to be devoted to HEALTHY over HAPPY in the areas of holistic intimacy, spiritual evolution, purpose manifestation and self-love...because maturity teaches that it's impossible to be happy all of the time when it comes to reaching goals yet healthy is a choice that can be made on a daily basis (amen?).
If you have any PERSONAL QUESTIONS (please do not contact me with any story pitches; that is an *editorial* need), feel free to reach out at missnosipho@gmail.com. A sistah will certainly do what she can. ;)
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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Navigating Dating When Emotionally Unavailable & Detached: My Journey Back To Feeling
The last time I came with a dating story, I told you I got my little feelings hurt in 2021. I called myself trying to be out in these streets entertaining a man in a different area code, city, and state — only for homeboy to play in my damn face. So, I went and gave y’all "8 Rules To Casual Dating Every Woman Should Know This Summer." You’re welcome. Fast forward to 2024, and I am now coming to you from a more mature and intentional place. We’re not in summer yet, but I truly believe what blooms in spring, thrives in summer.
2023 was my year, and it was my turn. I had just completed an 8-month holistic detox. The glow-up was real and well-deserved. The way I have poured into myself is unmatched. Let me tell you, self-love is a love you have never known. After a five-year healing journey, I finally felt like myself again, and I was ready to play. My heart was open, my mind was clear, and my body hella transformed. I had told all my friends that I was ready to explore dating again, and at the height of summer, I did exactly just that.
This time I decided I wanted to take my time. I wanted to date the “right way” or the “healthy way.” You know, keep your options open, ask the right questions, believe actions and not words, observe patterns and pay attention to red, yellow, and green flags. I was never the dating app type of girl. I sincerely miss everything about human connection and dating from 2000 to 2012. Can we please bring all of that back into 2024? I prefer to feel a man’s energy and presence in real-time. Nonetheless, I still chose to dabble with a few dating apps. I was all the way outside and dating for practice.
Unfortunately, with today’s dating culture, social climate, and how some of these men move and/or behave, these dates were a dead end. Not one guy made it to my roster. What these men were was benched this season – not one of them could be my first-round select draft pick. It didn't seem like anyone I met was interested in a serious relationship. And it’s completely fine. Miss me with the ghosting, lack of effort, inconsistency, and poor communication. I continued to just do me because what is for me will not miss me.
Kelvin Murray/ Getty Images
The universe must have heard me talking because I had specifically told my closest girlfriends that I wanted to meet someone who lived in the vicinity, no more than twenty minutes away, and no more long distance. And I did meet him (it’s crazy how I manifest exactly what I want). As we started to get to know each other, I liked his energy and effort. I liked the direction it seemed to be going to the point my girlfriends had to tell me not to run from him. Because every part of me wanted to run from something that seemed normal.
I liked what he was coming with until I became uncomfortable with my own feelings, and I didn’t know how to communicate them to him.
With that said, I knew if I truly wanted to experience the truest of loves, a reciprocal, requited love, and be in a healthy relationship this story had to come to a pause. What I didn’t know was that he was going to show me things I didn’t know I needed to work on. I didn’t know he inadvertently was going to help me continue to heal parts of me that were hidden.
As someone who has learned to self-heal, I am no longer the type that runs from herself. I am here for the growth.
The truth is I am emotionally detached from myself, and I am not actively dating at the moment. I am the one that has to work on herself. My reiki healer called it, too – she told me this year would not be a year for a relationship, but a year of continuous growth. And now I see why. After all the healing work I have done thus far – I am an unemotional mess. How?
At my big age of 39, I struggle to communicate my wants and needs.
I still struggle to communicate and process uncomfortable feelings. I would rather give myself anxiety, act nonchalantly, emotionally react, and choose non-communication when I am bothered with someone than address the issue (I will later explain why). I have been ignoring my feelings for so long it has become a habit, a defense mechanism, and more so a trauma response.
If you are someone like me who grew up in a household that didn’t discuss feelings, your emotional needs were unmet, and you don’t feel safe to share your feelings – emotional detachment is quite common.
Oftentimes, we always talk about men being emotionally unavailable, but what if it’s a woman who is emotionally unavailable or emotionally detached? How does she navigate herself, dating, or being in a relationship? As I navigate my emotions this season, let’s explore what it means to be emotionally detached, the signs of detachment, and how to reconnect with yourself emotionally.
Emotional Unavailability vs. Emotional Detachment
When we look at the terminology emotional unavailability and emotional detachment, one might argue that the two terms are interchangeable and have the same meaning. One could also argue that both terms mean that some people are not in tune with their emotions or lack the emotional capacity to be responsive to someone else’s emotions. Fair enough. However, there is a big difference. The definition of emotional unavailability is described as people who have difficulty with sharing their emotions and being receptive to the emotions of those around them.
According to Verywell Mind, signs of emotional unavailability can look like being distant or cold, lack of closeness, and emotional intimacy in relationships, inability to understand and relate to others’ feelings, defensiveness when asked to change or let others in, tendency to shut down or avoid topics that require emotional openness, or withdrawal from people or situations that provoke emotional reactions.
Whereas emotional detachment is defined as the inability to or willingness to connect with others on an emotional level. Furthermore, Psychology Today states emotional detachment can also mean that people do not engage with their feelings. Exhibit A – me. Emotional detachment has various causes – past neglect, childhood or adult trauma, PTSD, depression, personality disorder, bipolar disorder, substance abuse, or, in some cases, medication (i.e. antidepressants). It is important to note emotional detachment is a complex issue. For someone like me, it’s a coping mechanism.
It is easier for me to ignore uncomfortable feelings to protect myself from stress or getting hurt. Hence, my nonchalant demeanor. It is also true for some people it is a reaction to trauma, abuse, and unprocessed emotions. Exhibit B – me. As it is difficult for me to open up about my feelings at the moment. On the contrary – emotional detachment can be helpful in navigating some situations like listening to people’s opinions and gossip.
Unfortunately, emotional detachment is not a behavior that can be turned on and off at will. Please note that emotional detachment is NOT a mental health diagnosis but can be a symptom of a mental health condition such as an attachment disorder. And if you know anything about attachment theory, it is related to the relationship we develop in our childhood with our primary caregivers.
Signs You're Emotionally Detached
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According to Psychology Today and Verywell Mind, general signs of emotional detachment can look like difficulty showing empathy to others, sharing emotions, committing to a relationship, feeling numb, poor listening skills, lack of self-esteem, preferring to be alone, struggling to feel positive emotions, inability to identify emotions, lack of physical, verbal, or sexual contact and losing touch with people or maintaining connections.
In a romantic relationship, emotional detachment shows up as you or your partner not being available for connection, poor communication, or reduced affection.
For me, my experience with emotional detachment is collective. I am an empath to my core. I don’t have a problem relating to other’s feelings or circumstances. I don’t have commitment issues, nor do I have an issue connecting with others or maintaining those connections. I struggle with sharing emotions, at least the negative ones.
Due to the emotional abuse from my childhood and a toxic relationship, I learned sharing emotions just wasn't the safe thing to do. As a survivor of trauma, I learned to suppress feeling negative emotions in general as a form of protection.
How To Reconnect To Your Emotions When You're Emotionally Unavailable
Serious Kid Cudi GIF by Apple MusicGiphyExploring my emotional side in-depth started late last year simply by noticing my reaction to something that he did. I didn’t know how to properly communicate to him how I was feeling or what he did bothered me in the moment. So, I swallowed my feelings and said absolutely nothing. I intentionally chose to avoid the issue. I chose to rationalize the situation instead of acknowledging that my feelings at the time were valid. I chose to act like everything was all good because it was all good.
“It wasn’t that deep to begin with” is what I told myself. And this is where the problem lies.
The saying is true, “What happens in your childhood shows up in your adult relationships.” I came to realize that because I was not able to express my feelings as a child, I struggled to process them. I either hold back my feelings, take a long time to say how I feel, or don’t say anything at all. This is because I fear people will walk away from me like my mother did if I share what I truly feel. I fear my feelings won’t be validated, or they will be rejected.
With that said, I was completely unaware that I was emotionally detached from myself until recently. So, here we are with this article. It all started by reading Instagram’s @theholisticpsychologist, Dr. Nicole LePera’s newest book How to Be the Love You Seek: Break Cycles, Find Peace, and Heal Your Relationships, which was released on November 28, 2023. As I read through the first chapter, I became triggered.
How Dr. LePera describes her childhood with her parents and experiences with her romantic partners somewhat mirrored my experiences with my own parents and relationships. As Dr. LaPera stated in her book, I have no issue showing up for others or meeting their needs and wants. But when it comes to expressing my own needs and wants – I cannot or I don’t. This is mainly due to my hyper-independence.
At an early age, I learned to show up for myself because the people I trusted to show up for me failed. Given my home environment, I had internalized it is not safe to talk about feelings. I never knew my emotional responses and behavior were abnormal. But because I am willing to continue to do my inner work, I know that I can reconnect to my emotions, and undo four decades of repressed emotions.
If you are someone like me who struggles with emotional connection with yourself and others, here is how you go about it:
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1. Know Your Attachment Style
For me, the first step was to understand my attachment style. I asked my therapist if she could help me identify my attachment style to understand my triggers. She recommended The Attachment Theory Workbook by Annie Chen, LMFT. My therapist administered the associated online quiz – Attachment Quiz. If you haven’t figured out my attachment style yet by reading this article, I have an anxious attachment style.
This means I don’t do well with inconsistent behavior, especially from men (but I’m the type that holds men to standards too). People with an anxious attachment style have a need to feel close to their partner. It may come across as “clingy” or “needy.” However, this same need is often driven by fear of abandonment, mistrust, and low self-esteem. I would say knowing your attachment style is helpful because you can work towards having a secure attachment style (with practice) in your relationships – familial, business, work, platonic, or romantic.
2. Become Self-Aware
Most people who are not in the practice of self-care or self-healing are unaware of their triggers, patterns, and behaviors. We are so caught up in the daily minutiae of life that we forget to pay attention to the most important part of our days — ourselves. As Dr. LePera says, make it a conscious habit to pause throughout your day to check in with yourself. Ask yourself:
- How does my body feel?
- What am I doing right now?
- Am I present?
- Am I distracted and lost with other thoughts?
- What do I think or feel when I recall a specific experience with someone?
- What do I think or worry about?
- What would happen if I shared my authentic thoughts, perspective, feelings right now?”
This is what Dr. LePera refers to as exploring your embodied self or fulfilling your authentic needs in chapter two of her book. Consistent mindfulness and self-awareness are key to self-discovery and in any healing journey. Learning to focus on the present moment also includes paying attention to our emotional response to an event or how we think about emotions in general.
3. Practice Vulnerability
The idea of vulnerability is a tough one for me and so many other women for countless reasons. Whether it be toxic family, friendships, relationships, or trauma – trusting others with your thoughts and feelings is not easy. As much as I am open and transparent, I am not as vulnerable. And I believe there is so much power in the duality to be both. To trust someone, let alone a man with your authentic self is a delicate matter.
But it is emotional vulnerability that allows us humans to build authentic connections, create stronger relationships, and break down emotional walls. Emotional vulnerability is not something to be rushed – it takes time and practice from you and the people you choose to have in your life. Medical News Today suggests that we can learn to be vulnerable by opening up more to our closest friends, building our ability to become more trusting, and developing skills to regulate our emotions.
4. Seek Therapy
I have been in therapy for six years and counting. I would consider therapy one of my safe spaces. I am one of those individuals who recommend therapy to everyone as it has given me the tools and resources I need to navigate my life challenges. By choosing to get help, I was able to put my PTSD and depression in remission for four years now. I have also learned how to manage my anxiety.
I am fully aware that in this season of my life requires me to do the work to unlock new levels of self. And any time where I have consciously chosen growth – the universe or life has not failed me. I was able to heal my body, my heart, and my spirit. Now, it’s time to heal my inner child, this hurt little girl who lives in me.
I will say choosing a therapist is similar to dating; you might go through a few potentials until you find a therapist you connect with. Actually, one of my lifelong friends said to me the other day, “Your relationship with your therapist is one of the most important relationships in your life.” I needed her to say that, and I needed to hear it because it’s true. You are essentially trusting a licensed stranger to help you navigate your life on so many levels.
Be picky and ask the questions. Cut the cord at the first red flag given. Again, let me reiterate that emotional detachment is not a mental health diagnosis. It can be treated with the help of a therapist. Emotional detachment only becomes a problem when it starts to interfere with your daily life. Pay attention to changes in your daily behavior and make decisions to cope accordingly.
I am genuinely excited about reconnecting with my emotions. I want to feel all the feels – good, bad, and indifferent. I want to cry all the tears – especially the sad ones. I want to process and release negative emotions. I want to say how I feel in the moment with no fear.
If you are that girl who struggles with emotional connection or thinks you're emotionally detached, I hope that you become willing to face your inner child and show up for her. Don’t run – she has been waiting for you.
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