
I found freedom y'all, and I refuse to give it up. I am not ready to give it up. I don't want to give it up.
Well, at least not quite yet.
If you grew up in the 1980s, 1990s, or early 2000s the majority of women are raised to pursue higher education, build a career, secure the bag, invest in property, buy a home, be a wife, and a mother. For generations upon generations, this societal standard has always been the American dream. It is what we measure our worth by. It is what we believe is happiness; the things we own, the things we have accomplished, and the titles we have earned.
And we are to believe we must achieve all of these things in our twenties and thirties.
Say what, and says who?
Now, don't get me wrong, we as women, and our role in society has most definitely transformed.
We are resiliently multifaceted. We are boss SHEeos, entrepreneurs, doctors, law enforcement officers, firefighters, pilots, scientists, officers in the military, and G.O.A.T athletes on top of being wives and mothers. We are leading in male-dominated industries and we have a 17-year-old Swedish girl on the other side of the world advocating for climate change. We as women have come up and came through tenfold. We have shown our worth to the world in a gender-biased society. Clap for yourselves ladies because we do this effortlessly and more importantly, it is done with grace.
Yet, there are times we often lose ourselves to this so-called American dream.
We lose our identity while maintaining a family, a career, an image, or living up to expectations that are not our own. We slowly unravel without notice until we do not know our reflection in the mirror. We stop looking in the mirror because all we see is a stranger in a body. And to try to pull yourself out of a dark place seems impossible.
I lost myself assuming an identity that was not my own.
I had a respectable career. I had a fancy career title. I had a six-figure salary. I dressed the part, faked the role, played the game, sold the lie, but it was not fulfilling. Nor was it me. I had no control over my life so by choice I let it all go. Sometimes being a straight arrow is so blinding. Sometimes tradition is so misleading. Sometimes we outgrow cultural norms. You start to come to a point where you ask yourself, "Who am I doing all of this for?"
The answer is, "Not for me."

I was able to find myself again and I am still exploring parts of myself unknown; undoing conditioned thoughts and behavior.
I am free and I have never been happier.
The American dream has been redefined, shifted, flipped, and reversed. We live in a society that is becoming spiritually woke. With this widespread shift, more and more women are becoming spiritually aligned.
Some women are walking away from stressful careers and opting for simplicity. We are living in different countries and experiencing new cultures. We are renovating vans to be living spaces and taking road trips. We are mastering our craft and learning new skills. We're doing whatever it takes to live the life we dream of. And you know what? We are completely happy.
It's peace, purpose, and freedom over everything.

We adopt and alter what is aligned with our authentic selves. This shift in thinking and alignment to self has made me realize your twenties and thirties are meant to be lived and lived fully.
It's a time for silly mistakes, lessons learned, knowledge, new experiences, exploration, and travel. It's a time for being eccentric, vibrant, and authentic. It's a time for digging deep into yourself with thought-provoking questions. It's about creating a life you love for yourself before sharing it with anyone else.
It's about pouring into your cup (mentally, emotionally, and physically) and the only commitment you should have is to honor yourself first. I mean hey, if that man comes along, and he is aligned with all that you're doing — co-create this life together.
But wait, so what are your forties for?
After everything is said and done, I think it's perfectly OK to settle down in your forties. At least, that is what I have decided for myself. Yes, I know, this may happen before I enter my forties. Women are getting married and having children later, regardless of the path chosen to get there. It is also our new normal. A friend of mine, once married and divorced, selflessly decided to raise a child on her own. By the way, she is a boss marine, fitness competitor, and mother to a beautiful little girl. My mother was pregnant with me at 34 years old and a cousin delivered her last baby at 43 years old.
Now, here I am at 35 still living my best life.
GiphyAre women selfish because they choose a less traditional route? I think we have the right to be, I mean look at how far we have come. Are women who choose themselves for a little bit longer doing so out of fear? No, I think we just want to live a life without regret.
Women can be successful in all areas of their lives. It is never going to be linear or based on a timeline either. Success will never manifest in a specific order. If you were to ask me four years ago if I saw myself having the freedom I do now, I would have not even imagined it.
I still would have been tied to conditioned beliefs, traditions, societal norms, and timelines. Timelines set forth by none other than my father. After all that I have accomplished–let me tell you he is still not satisfied, and I still do not care. I check the boxes off my own list.
Everyone has their path to follow, some are more spiritually aligned than others, and some are just beginning their journey, and that's OK. People find themselves in the process, through experiences, and often through trauma. My only wish for all women is to create a life you love with your own rules and standards. It is never too late to start.
We write our own stories.
We define our own success.
Featured image by Shutterstock
Originally published on September 27, 2020
Back To College Picks For The Comfort One & The Sporty One
This article is in partnership with Target.
From the co-ed who loves to lounge to the athletic enthusiast who loves to rock a popped color, college brings out all sorts of personalities. Whether you’re The Sporty One or The Cozy One, we have the perfect solution to decorate your dorm in a way that suits your personal style. These products will help your dorm room double as a perfect place to relax between classes or kick your feet up after a workout.
xoNecole and Target have you covered with items that are sure to make for the perfect home away from home as you prepare to head back to campus.
For The Cozy One:
Room Essentials™ Twin/Twin Extra Long Box Stitch Puffer Comforter Ivory

Who says your comforter can’t bring you a little extra comfort? This item goes beyond just a cute statement piece to dress up your bed; it provides that extra oomph that may be needed after a long day of classes.
Room Essentials™ Scallop Tray

Designed to help you store those smaller items like keys more stylishly, this tray is also a great landing spot to store your e.l.f. Lip Mask or Lip Balm, because soft lips make for a soft life.
Room Essentials™ Scallop Upholstered Ottoman

Need extra seating for guests or simply want to be somewhere other than your bed or desk? This product offers seating and additional storage in a chic way. Pro Tip: Get a waffle knit robe for those lazy Sundays and store it right in here.
Room Essentials™ Scallop Desk with Drawer Natural

A quaint desk that can go in the corner of your room or wherever you please, this product may be the perfect solution for your study needs. Place a catchall dish or a scented candle on top, and you’ve got quite the cozy setting.
Room Essentials™ 16"x20" Wavy Frame White

The great thing about this frame is that you can place your favorite photo inside, something that reminds you of home in your new oasis on campus. It can also be used as a place to jot down your visions for the semester. Either way, this can serve as the spot where you get your extra push to keep going.
Room Essentials™ Pixel Rose Woven Cotton Toss Pillow

Having great decor that doubles as something that serves you well is a lost art, but not with this pillow. Not only will it make your bed look cozy, but it also serves as a soft place to land.
Room Essentials™ Corduroy Compressed Foam Dorm Chair Cream

Place this in the corner of your dorm and you’ll be able to check off your reading list in no time. This can also serve as a place to catch a quick nap, a breather, or a place to meditate between classes.
Room Essentials™ Trailing Prayer Artificial Plant

Having a busy schedule isn’t quite suitable for a plant mom, but you can still have the look and feel of greenery in your dorm with this dupe. Sometimes, just looking at plants can restore feelings of serenity and good vibes, which is why this artificial one is just as good as the real deal.
Room Essentials™ Quilted Wearable Blanket White/Tan Pattern

Rough day? No problem! Thanks to this wearable blanket, you can find comfort anywhere throughout the day, not just within the walls of your dorm. Yet, you still may find it the perfect thing to pair with the Room Essentials™ Corduroy Compressed Foam Dorm Chair Cream.
Room Essentials™ 4'x5'6" Solid Shag Accent Rug Ivory

Use this as the perfect room divider for you and your roomie. It’s soft, serene, and can help the two of you decipher your respective sides of the room without it being awkward or weird. There’s no better way to rid bad vibes than with a plush rug.
For The Sporty Prepster:
Room Essentials™ Gaming Chair Navy

Created with the avid gamer in mind, this chair will allow you to set up your system in your new dorm room while also helping you to be mindful of sharing a space with others.
Room Essentials™ Twin/Twin XL Corduroy Plaid Comforter Navy

Designed with The Sporty One in mind, this bedding gives off the perfect cool vibes.
Room Essentials™ Printed Plaid Ribbed Plush Throw (Navy/Gray/Ivory)

Keep the comfort without taking the comforter off your bed with this matching blanket that can be used while gaming, studying, or even after a long day of practice.
Room Essentials™ Pinstripe Plaid Toss Pillow Cobalt Blue

Comfort isn’t out the window just because you live a life on the move. This pillow serves as a great decorative piece, but can be used to equip you with a little piece of “feel good” between classes and practice.
Room Essentials™ 4'x5'6" Rugby Striped Accent Rug Gray/Blue

Use this as a room divider between you and your roommates, or place it at the edge of your bed for a comfortable place to sit on those days when your chairs don’t do it.
Room Essentials™ Rocking Floor Lounge Chair Striped

If the gaming chair isn’t your thing, this can be placed in the corner to help you dive into leisure reading or assignments.
Room Essentials™ 16"x20" Wavy Frame Black

Create the perfect collage of memories with the team on this frame, or make it a sign-in sheet to collect memories from all of your guests. It could even be a place for them to leave notes of inspiration to guide you through the semester and season.
Room Essentials™ Metal Rolling Locker Cabinet Blue

Perfect for additional storage without taking up too much space. This piece can be used to store your Hero Cosmetics Mighty Patch® Pimple Patches, nail clippers, or even a water bottle or shaker cup.
Room Essentials™ 2pk Magnetic Lidded Boxes Blue

There’s no such thing as too much storage in a dorm room, where extra space is always necessary. These lidded boxes can be used to store additional clothing items or for everyday items like Versed™ Dew Point Moisturizing Gel-Cream, e.l.f. Wow Brow Gel or Clear Brow & Lash Mascara, or Native Deodorant.
Room Essentials™ Channeled Barrel Back Office Chair Green

Who says you can’t have comfort and style while knocking out assignments throughout the semester? Moreover, the color of this uniquely designed chair brings a sense of peace by just looking at it, adding to the much-needed comfort to make your dorm the perfect oasis.
Featured image courtesy
What Should You Do If You're Dating A Passive-Aggressive Person?
What led me to the article, “The worst passive-aggressive phrases, according to Americans,” on Preply’s site? Who knows, chile? All I can tell you is that, as I was skimming through it and I caught some of the common/popular passive-aggressive phrases that were used in it, off the rip, I found myself getting irritated.
“I’m fine.”
“You’re too sensitive.”
“I’m not mad.”
“If that’s what you want to do.”
“I was just kidding.”
“Whatever.”
“That was surprisingly good.” (Yes, backhanded compliments are passive-aggressive.)
Passive-aggressive people — whew, they can be a lot. And although I’ve done a pretty good job of “weeding them out” of my own intimate circle (minus one friend who defaults to the setting of “okay” whenever they don’t want to confront matters), I do have passive-aggressive clients — and boy, they really should give me extra money for all of the extra work that I have to do, just to get certain things out of them.
And because of this (and the fact that passive-aggressive is kind of the last thing that I am), I already know that a deal-breaker for me is to be in a relationship with that type of individual. I’m simply not hardwired for it. At the same time, I get that many people do deal, intimately, with passive-aggressive folks.
If you happen to be one of them — first, my heart goes out to you. LOL. Secondly, I think I might have some hacks that can make dealing with passive aggressiveness, not just more bearable; it could help to break some of their approaches in dealing with you, too (if not immediately, eventually).
What Exactly Does It Mean to Be Passive Aggressive?
GiphyIf I were to break down one telling trait of a passive-aggressive person, it’s that they gaslight like nobody’s business. That’s because they tend to be the kind of individuals who deal with things indirectly instead of head-on — and to a person like me, that is absolutely annoying AF.
Something else that passive-aggressive people do? They are oftentimes the ones who give off negative vibes to the point where they clearly want you to pick up on them. Oh, but when you ask them what’s wrong, here they go with the flat “nothing” response. Umm, we know it’s something. Speak up.
And why do some people choose to take this approach in communication and relationships overall? Some do it because they were raised to suppress their true thoughts and feelings and so they grow up not knowing how to address them in a mature and productive fashion (this group deserves a bit of compassion because, like I oftentimes say, adulthood is surviving childhood). Some do it because they think (or at least say that) it’s a way to avoid direct conflict (when it actually tends to create even more of it).
Some do it as a power play — meaning, if they are so subtle in their negativity that if you end up spazzing out about it, suddenly you are “the crazy one” while they claim that they did nothing to trigger you. Still, others do it because they want you to become the villain in their narrative. How does this work? Well, if they ghost you and you keep reaching out to figure out what the hell is going on, now you’re the “stalker.” Or if they sigh and pout and yet say they don’t want to talk about whatever the issue may be and so you move on, now you’re the one who doesn’t care about their feelings or their needs.
Man, whenever I think of a passive aggressive individual, the first word that comes to my mind is “draining.” It’s draining to communicate with them.
It’s draining to get to the bottom of an issue with them. It’s draining to really relax in their presence because you’re constantly waiting for some sort of proverbial shoe to drop. Dealing with a passive aggressive person…it’s like the music right before something scary is about to happen in a movie: nothing has transpired yet; however, the vibes are letting you know that at some point, something is about to, and so you’re always on guard — or edge — on some level.
And yet, even though many people agree that passive-aggressive folks are energy vampires in their own right, a lot of people will still find themselves having to interact with them, one way or another. One example is my discovering that somewhere around 80 percent of individuals say that they have dealt with passive aggressiveness while at work while another study said that the most passive-aggressive people in their lives (outside of co-workers) are their mother (chile) and their friends.
Then there are those who opt to date passive-aggressive people. And while, after reading all of what I just said, that might seem like a semi-ridiculous life decision to make, sometimes, they are like narcissists in the sense that they wait until you are somewhat emotionally attached or even relationally comfortable before they let their full passive aggressive nature shine through.
If this is what you sense that you are experiencing in your own dating life and yet, the individual in question has some solid enough traits that make you feel like dealing with passive aggressiveness is ultimately worth working through — I’ve got some tips on how to effectively deal with what might be their specific passive aggressive tactic/method/approach of choice.
What to Do If Their Tactic Is: Sarcasm
GiphyOkay, so what if the guy you are seeing deals with issues by being sarcastic? Well first, get clear on if he’s being is sarcastic (“harsh, cutting, or bitter derision, often using irony to point out the deficiencies or failings of someone or something”) or cynical (“bitterly or sneeringly distrustful, contemptuous, or pessimistic”). While I personally think that both can be potentially exhausting, cynical tends to come from pain that leads to emotional walls as opposed to sarcasm which is oftentimes condescending and/or patronizing and/or just plain mean.
Either way, if there are times when it seems like this is how your partner chooses to communicate with you, the approach that you should take would be: to reply with literal responses; don’t “come down to” their tone (because tone plays a huge factor in especially sarcasm); avoid trying to get the last word (because they tend to want to get into a war of words rather than actually hear you out) and, above all else, call the sarcasm or cynicism out.
Because, again, since they are being passive aggressive, they are typically going to act like they don’t know how they are being with you until/unless you actually say something about it.
What to Do If Their Tactic Is: The Silent Treatment
GiphyThere’s a married couple I know who, although they are still together after over 35 years of being husband and wife, their communications skills? Whew, you would think that they are two 12-year-olds. There are more than a couple of examples of why I say this is the case; however, the one that relates to this particular passive aggressive topic is they can hold grudges for literal days on end. I don’t just mean 2-3 of ‘em either. Sometimes, you would think that there is a lottery prize for how long they choose to go without speaking and this would be an example of the silent treatment.
A part of the reason why the silent treatment is so problematic is it’s a form of control and manipulation either because the person who is giving it to you is trying to subtly trigger you into overreacting (or what they would call overreacting) or they are trying to punish you by disengaging. None of these are productive which is what makes the silent treatment pretty immature and uber silly.
So, what should you do if this is how your partner gets down? For a season, give them some space. Meaning, if you’ve tried to reach out to get them to communicate and they stonewall you, they might need time to process (although maturing means that they would articulate that). Also, in the effort to try and support them in breaking this habit, ask them how much time they need. If they state it, honor it.
If once you approach them after that time and they are still “going ghost” (verbally) on you, leave them be. You shouldn’t have to beg anyone you’re in a relationship with to engage in communication with you, so…don’t. What they value, they will come back to — and that alone is a mouthful.
What to Do If Their Tactic Is: Pouting
GiphyThere are several things that irk me to no end about social media. However, when it comes to the relational side of it, I continue to be amazed by how grown folks will promote the very things that we denounce kids doing. One example is women saying that a man should “spoil” them when the last thing most of us want to do is have spoiled children in the home (and we all know why).
Another example? Once a child hits a certain age, pouting and sulking are typically discouraged. Why? Because, as one mental health expert shared in their article on the topic, “People who sulk go to extreme lengths to avoid taking responsibility for their opinions or actions.” And she is exactly right. And that is why, when raising kids, pouting and sulking shouldn’t be tolerated because they should be taught how to hold themselves accountable. Meanwhile, adults? Oh, they should’ve BEEN knowing how to act in this department (check out “What It Actually Means To 'Hold Yourself Accountable'”).
That said, if you want to “handle” a pouter/sulker by calling their behavior out, feel free, although my personal two cents are you can probably get a lot more accomplished by totally ignoring their behavior. I say this because — think about how kids are whenever they are in that kind of headspace…if you ignore them long enough, they get that what they are doing isn’t working and so they usually try a different approach.
And that’s the thing about grown people who pout — they get rewarded by pulling you into their energy to the point where you usually find yourself coddling and sometimes even apologizing for things that you didn’t even do (or do wrong), just so they will stop acting like they are a victim. This means that pouting is peak manipulation and so, the best way to remove that monster is to not feed into it at all.
What to Do If Their Tactic Is: Constantly Dropping Hints
GiphyIt’s kind of wild to realize that they’re both gone now, but a friend of my mother’s was a psychiatrist. Anyway, one of my mom’s passive aggressive approaches of choice was dropping hints. One time, while we were having dinner at he and his wife’s house, my mother saw something that she wanted and said, “Is that you on that magazine cover?” to which he simply said, “Yes,” to which she then said, “You have more copies, don’t you?” to which is replied, “I sure do,” to which she then said, “It sure would be nice if I was actually offered a copy,” to which he replied, “Is that so?”
And when he totally changed the subject, she said, “You weren’t going to give me a copy?” and then he looked her dead in the face and said, “You need to say what you want. I don’t play those guessing games.” — I know that my “checkmate” energy was loud as hell. LOL.
That…that right there is how you deal with a hint-dropper because, if you give them their way without requiring that they clearly articulate their wants and needs, they will constantly play mind-games with you and/or waste precious time and/or drain your energy. We’re all adults. Use your big words.
What to Do If Their Tactic Is: Giving the “Last Word Syndrome”
GiphyAlthough I don’t consider myself to be passive aggressive overall (my circle would agree with that; we’ve discussed it), I must admit that there was a season in my life where my ego wanted to get the last word on a lot of things. In hindsight, I think not getting validated enough while growing up played a part in it (not to mention going to a racist ass private school that liked to gaslight my people to no end). And that’s why, although I can relate to a “last word syndrome” kind of person, that still doesn’t mean that I cosign on it.
In fact, I actually agree with a psychology-based article which said that folks who communicate this way, they tend to be destructive because, not only is always needing to get the last word triggering for the person on the receiving end but, more times than not, you’re not caring about getting clarity, understanding or finding a resolve — you just want to be right. You think that you should have the last say on something and that actually can be very condescending and even disrespectful.
The irony in how to handle this type of individual is…if they are hellbent on getting the last word…let ‘em. Y’all, one of my favorite quotes is, “Don't talk unless you can improve the silence.” A writer by the name of Jorge Luis Borges once said that and it’s such a powerful life rule to apply because, when you are confident in your words and the impact that they are able to have, you don’t need to try and convince someone else of your thoughts or perspective.
Say what needs to be said and then get to a point where you agree to disagree before you get all stressed out. I’m telling you, a last word person only really gets fueled by you trying to get the last word too. If your words are potent enough, there’s no need for that. What you said will resonate. Leave it be.
What to Do If Their Tactic Is: Acting Forgetful
GiphyYou know someone who sucks at accountability? People who act forgetful whenever you bring something to their attention — especially something that they did wrong or something that bothered you or hurt your feelings (because that doesn’t always or automatically mean that it was wrong…some of y’all will catch that later). This is definitely a form of being passive aggressive because, when someone pretends like they don’t recall what you are bringing to their attention, it’s usually because 1) they don’t want to deal with the issue (either at the time or, really, ever) or they are trying to stall time in order to avoid conflict for as long as they possibly can.
I had a godparent who tried to pull this stunt on me a couple of years ago. When I brought something to their attention and they literally said that I had them confused with someone else (who does that?!), I went into painstaking detail: where we were, what I ordered to eat, even what I had on. And oftentimes, that’s what you have to do with this kind of passive aggressiveness: you’ve got to let them know that acting like they don’t know what’s going on doesn’t mean that you don’t either.
Eventually, they will 1) cave in and fess up; 2) play the victim as a way to deflect, or 3) ask you what you are looking to get out of bringing the matter up at all. Regardless, ultimately, you win because they’ve got to remember something to come up with these strategies (or is it strategems?).
What to Do If Their Tactic Is: Being Vague in Communication
GiphyIt’s one thing to feel like you are being nagged and interrogated and if you are dating someone who rarely gives you a clear and direct answer to things, asking them if your approach makes them feel like they are being held for questioning by the cops could be beneficial. That said, though, let’s not act like there aren’t individuals who make you feel like you are damn near pulling their teeth, just to get something outta them. SMDH.
Although some people are difficult in this department, simply because they are private people who need more than a lil’ bit of time to warm up to folks (even if they are in a relationship with them; deep intimacy can be a struggle for some), others are vague when it comes to communication because they like to see folks try and figure out how to “crack their code;” with them, everything is a game of scruples…whether you want to play or not.
The approach? Ask very specific questions because these types of people like to say, “You didn’t ask” whenever you finally get to the root of what you are looking for. If they keep playing “communication dodge ball” with you after that, ask them why they don’t want to discuss that particular thing: poor timing, distrust, fear of being vulnerable, not in the mood or are they just trying to be difficult? Knowing the why behind the vagueness can help you to figure out the “when and how” about approaching the topic/issue again.
____
A late journalist and broadcaster by the name of Dorothy Thompson once said, “Peace is not the absence of conflict but the presence of creative alternatives for responding to conflict — alternatives to passive or aggressive responses, alternatives to violence.”
If you’re dating a passive aggressive person, share that with them and see what they say.
Sometimes, the way to break someone’s passive aggressive habits is to hit them with ‘em…head on.
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