6 Reasons The Black Love Summit Should Be On Your To-Do List
For the last few years, and since day one, my husband and I have watched and admired OWN'S Black Love series (#BlackLoveDoc). I even have a "black love" cut-out plastered on my vision board. Hence, it was exhilarating and exciting to attend the Black Love Summit (presented by BlackLove.com), and we are even more excited about season three, which will premiere Saturday, August 10 on OWN.
The creators of Black Love – Tommy and Codie Oliver – and their team hosted the summit in Atlanta, Georgia on July 20 at the Mason Fine Arts Gallery (the first one was held in LA last year). The atmosphere was so optimistic, enthusiastic, and supportive. It was as if everybody in the room was not only "rooting for everybody black," but for love as well.
Just like the hit series, the Black Love Summit painted a beautiful picture of love, dating, and marriage, directly from the eyes of the artists, and without any filters…raw and uncut. From sex to submission, faith and finances, to dating, parenting, marriage, and money…no topic was off limits.
Men and women -- single, married, dating, and divorced -- filled the gallery, wall to wall. Attendees anxiously and enthusiastically collected nuggets of wisdom from a variety of couples (and singles) including: LeToya Luckett and Tommicus Walker, Erica and Warryn Campbell, Dondre Whitfield (Queen Sugar), Devale Ellis, Egypt Sherrod and DJ Fadelf, Terrence J, Kevin (Kevonstage) and Melissa Fredericks, Karli and Ben Raymond, and many more.
Why Black Love?
Like many of us, Tommy and Codie didn't have a lot of examples of marriage to look to. Not to mention, the fact that society and the media often create false and negative images about love, especially black love. Nevertheless, they were determined to help change the story by allowing others to share their stories. Through these stories and experiences, they (and many of us alike) have learned, and are learning, how to navigate and make marriage work.
Despite the overwhelming response and success of the series, Tommy and Codie couldn't have imagined seeing Black Love go from the screen to the Summit:
"We needed the advice. We knew we weren't the only ones. So, we were like 'someone's going to appreciate this. We couldn't have envisioned it, but at the same time we were like 'oh, we were right. People wanted to see it.' So, it feels amazing and I'm really grateful that it has resonated."
Here are a few reasons why you don't want to miss the next Black Love Summit (and season three of the series)*:
1. It’s real.
On social media, most of the time we only see the positive marriage highlights. However, the show and the summit pulls back the curtain on marriage. You're able to hear and bear witness to candid conversations about what it really takes to make love and marriage work.
Erica and Warryn
"You come to marriage with a lot of preconceived notions. When you first get married, you don't know really know how to be married when you get married. You have to figure some things out, and we were committed to figuring it out."
2. It's relatable.
Celebrity or not, it was easy to connect and relate to many of the experiences and lessons that were shared by the couples. There was always at least one or a few couples that reminded my husband and I of our relationship.
Dondre
"It's very difficult to be what you don't see. If you're not around husbands who are good husbands, then being a husband is going to be a struggle for you. So what you want to do is find a community of men who are dedicated to being husbands and talk to them about what that entails."
3. It's relevant.
By hearing different perspectives and experiences from a variety of couples, you quickly realize that everyone does what works best for them, and you, too, have to do the same.
Karli and Ben
"It takes time to become one. It's a learning of someone day to day. Set your own boundaries and figure out what works for you."
4. It's revealing.
Although at times uncomfortable, the necessary truths revealed by the couples in turn help reveal a lot of truths within ourselves…both as a couple as well as individuals.
Egypt and DJ
"As women, we can manifest the lives that we want. We can talk the destiny into our lives. But how are you going to be with the man that God designed for you if you're not even the woman that you need to be? I went to therapy to better myself and to work on myself."
5. It’s restorative.
It's the therapy session you didn't know you needed, because one person's triumph over a difficult situation can initiate the healing process for someone else. A perfect example was when after LeToya explained how her parent's divorce influenced her relationships with men, Terrence J was enlightened and he shared:
"It's incredible how deep that cuts. As you're talking about that, I'm thinking about my dad and how I only know three things about my biological dad. I realize it is an emotional thing and a vicious cycle, but I don't want to damage a woman like my dad did."
6. It’s reassuring.
The mere fact that we were surrounded by a community of black couples -- the creators, the panelists, and the attendees -- was powerful, encouraging, and inspiring alone. It's a testament to the fact that black love isn't a trend; it's a commitment built to last.
Tommy and Letoya
"With us being married, being a young black couple, we felt it was necessary to put our story out there to give people hope. So many people may feel like 'I don't know if it's going to work, or I don't know if I'm good enough for this man or woman.' But to see the struggles that we went through before we met, before we got together, then how we got to this place now, it was necessary to tell it."
*Responses edited and condensed for clarity.
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Shonda Brown White is a bestselling author, blogger, life coach, and brand strategist. When she's not jumping out of a plane or zip lining, she's living the married life with her husband in Atlanta, GA. Connect with her on social @ShondaBWhite and her empowering real talk on her blog.
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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When discussing the topic of raising children, discipline is often the first thing that comes to mind. Children need discipline. Full stop. But what is discipline? And how do we draw the line between discipline and revenge?
The origin of the word "discipline" can be traced back to the Latin word "disciplina," which means "instruction" or "teaching." Over time, however, discipline has come to be synonymous with punishment, with parents relying on shame, fear, and/or physical pain to curb undesirable behavior.
Teaching takes time, so nipping it in the bud in whatever fashion parents deem necessary (within reason) has become the norm. But is this what’s best for children? And when does it become less about curbing undesirable behavior and more about getting our licks back for offenses we feel our children should know better to do?
In my work as a parenting coach, I’ve often heard parents say, “I asked him nicely three times before spanking him. He didn’t stop doing it until I did, so clearly talking doesn’t work.”
And the parent isn’t wrong. Talking often doesn’t work the first, the third, or the even the 10th time. And the reason is directly tied to brain development.
Children cannot and do not process information the way an adult can. Auditory processing is not fully developed until a child is 14 or 15 years old. And even then, if a child has auditory processing delays or Auditory Processing Disorder (APD), they may always struggle with processing auditory commands. According to Susie S. Loraine, MA, CCC-SLP, the term auditory processing refers to how the brain perceives and interprets sound information. Several skills determine auditory processing ability—or listening success. They develop in a general four-step hierarchy, but all work together and are essential for daily listening.
Without this understanding, discipline can easily become revenge because parents will then view their child’s misdeeds as a personal slight. Instead of teaching them to do better, parents now want to show them the consequences of not doing better. This is why it's imperative for parents to discern between discipline and revenge to maintain healthy relationships with their children.
5 WAYS TO DISTINGUISH BETWEEN PARENTAL GUIDANCE AND RETALIATION:
Understanding The Intent
Discipline is rooted in love and concern for the child's well-being. It focuses on teaching lessons and helping children understand the consequences of their actions. Conversely, revenge-driven actions stem from a desire to inflict pain or punishment as payback for perceived slights or disobedience. Parents should reflect on their motives before taking disciplinary actions. Ask yourself whether your intention is to help your child learn or to make them suffer for upsetting you.
Example: If a child accidentally breaks a valuable item, a disciplinary response would involve discussing the importance of being careful and working with the child to come up with a way to replace or fix what they’ve broken. On the other hand, a vengeful reaction might involve yelling, harsh punishment, or bringing up past mistakes to intensify guilt.
Maintaining Emotional Regulation
Effective discipline requires parents to remain calm and composed, even in challenging situations. It's natural to feel upset or frustrated when children misbehave, but responding with anger or resentment can escalate the situation and blur the line between discipline and revenge. Before addressing the issue, take a moment to breathe and collect your thoughts.
Example: If a child cannot follow instructions, a disciplined response would involve calmly explaining why their cooperation is necessary in working with the child to accomplish the goal. Conversely, a retaliatory response might involve shouting, name-calling, or resorting to physical punishment out of anger.
Promoting Growth and Learning
Discipline should always aim to promote growth and learning. It involves guiding children toward making better choices and understanding the impact of their actions on themselves and others. Effective discipline strategies include positive reinforcement, setting clear expectations, and providing opportunities for reflection and growth.
Example: If a child repeatedly forgets to complete their chores, a disciplinary approach would involve discussing the importance of responsibility and finding solutions together, such as creating a chore chart or setting reminders with Siri or Alexa. In contrast, a revenge-driven response might involve imposing overly harsh punishments or belittling the child, which can undermine their self-esteem and hinder their ability to learn from their mistakes.
Momo Productions/Getty
Building Trust and Communication
Trust and open communication are essential components of a healthy parent-child relationship. Discipline should strengthen this bond by fostering trust and encouraging children to confide in their parents without fear of judgment or retaliation. When children feel safe and supported, they're more likely to accept discipline as a form of guidance rather than punishment.
Example: If a child admits to breaking a rule or making a mistake, a disciplined response would involve listening to their perspective, discussing the consequences of their actions, and working together to find a solution. Conversely, a retaliatory response might involve accusations, blame, or shutting down communication, which can erode trust and damage the parent-child relationship.
Seeking Professional Guidance
Parenting is a learning journey, and, disciplining children is a delicate balance between guiding them toward responsible behavior and nurturing their growth. By understanding the intent behind our actions, maintaining emotional regulation, promoting growth and learning, building trust and communication, and seeking professional guidance when needed, as parents we can help our children built on love, respect, and understanding.
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Featured image by Courtney Hale/Getty Images