Many of us facetiously claim we're not far from making that move to the pole when we're down and out and when the funds aren't looking right. I've been one of those people, only except I've been deadass. And if I could dance or could find a club that would take me as I am (raw rhythmless talent), I would have no qualms about twerking my student loans off.
I've been drawn to the idea of sex work and sex workers since I was younger. I recall wanting to read books like Diary of an Unlikely Call Girl in high school and taking an interest in sex workers as the subject of class videography projects. I admire and envy their ability all at once. Mostly because the way they hustle has always been dazzling (refer to the second definition of dazzling in a swift Google search before speaking) to watch.
Truly, it's a hustle that's not for everybody. It's a career that requires you to constantly unpack and acknowledge what boundaries you may or may not have. Sex workers have a particular gumption that entrepreneurs in other industries can undoubtedly learn from.
In fact, here are 5 things we can learn from sex workers that can be applied to any and every industry or you could say, the 5 commandments of doing business.
Get Money
So many of us entrepreneurs and even nine-to-fivers lower our value when it comes to putting a price on our product or negotiating our salaries, but I've noticed that many sex workers refuse to work for free. Not for nothing. At all times, they want to know where the cash at and they want it upfront. Stop lowballing yourself and get this money, unapologetically. Which ties into my next point...
Respect Thy Boundaries
We often lose boundaries that allow for work-life balance once we begin working for companies. We find ourselves doing more than we're comfortable with and far more than we're paid for, blurring the lines of expectation. I know that we, especially women of color, have been taught that we have to work twice as hard but f*ck that! Your job is your job and you're not being paid for anything more than that. Do what's in your job description and do it damn good, but as soon as they up the ante, it's time for them to up the paycheck. Stop allowing them to get free labor out of you.
Thou Shall Care For Self
I'm not so naive to think that every sex worker is afforded the time and overall resources that allow for proper self-care, but I have noticed that there are a number of them who do make time for self-care. Part of this is because their job requires a certain level of maintenance, which crosses over into the self-care department such as maintaining hair and nails. These are things that we sometimes forget to normalize in our lives, they become secondary when really this type of pampering should be made primary. That doesn't mean you have to go to the shop and splurge every time, but maybe you invest in that home spa so that you can budget your money and time for self-care.
Marketing
Sex workers promote themselves using whatever platforms are readily available and they promote their work well. Sex sells and they play that to their advantage. Although, I'm not suggesting that everyone begin to promote their brand using sexuality and sensuality, you should definitely play up your strengths.
On Their Own Terms
They stay at the party as long as it pleases them (particularly for sex workers who aren't survival sex workers). They have an exit strategy, usually through other means of entrepreneurial endeavors. Meanwhile, we tend to, especially in 9-to-5 roles that we hate, overstay our welcome. We ask God to send us signs that it's time to get out the game when in actuality, we knew it was time to leave days, weeks, months ago. Listen to that feeling that tells you when it's time to exit stage left.
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In a xoNecoleexclusive, the iconic actress opens up about embracing this season of her life, new projects, and overall being a “bad motherfucker.” Gabrielle reveals that she was 37 years old when she was diagnosed with perimenopause and is still going through it at 51 years old. Mayo Clinic says perimenopause “refers to the time during which your body makes the natural transition to menopause, marking the end of the reproductive years.”
“I haven't crossed over the next phase just yet, but I think part of it is when you hear any form of menopause, you automatically think of your mother or grandmother. It feels like an old-person thing, but for me, I was 37 and like not understanding what that really meant for me. And I don't think we focus so much on the word menopause without understanding that perimenopause is just the time before menopause,” she tells us.
Gabrielle Union
Photo by Brian Thomas
"But you can experience a lot of the same things during that period that people talk about, that they experienced during menopause. So you could get a hot flash, you could get the weight gain, the hair loss, depression, anxiety, like all of it, mental health challenges, all of that can come, you know, at any stage of the menopausal journey and like for me, I've been in perimenopause like 13, 14 years. When you know, most doctors are like, ‘Oh, but it's usually about ten years, and I'm like, ‘Uhh, I’m still going (laughs).’”
Conversations about perimenopause, fibroids, and all the things that are associated with women’s bodies have often been considered taboo and thus not discussed publicly. However, times are changing, and thanks to the Gabrielle’s and the Tia Mowry’s, more women are having an authentic discourse about women’s health. These open discussions lead to the creation of more safe spaces and support for one another.
“I want to be in community with folks. I don't ever want to feel like I'm on an island about anything. So, if I can help create community where we are lacking, I want to be a part of that,” she says. “So, it's like there's no harm in talking about it. You know what I mean? Like, I was a bad motherfucker before perimenopause. I’m a bad motherfucker now, and I'll be a bad motherfucker after menopause. Know what I’m saying? None of that has to change. How I’m a bad motherfucker, I welcome that part of the change. I'm just getting better and stronger and more intelligent, more wise, more patient, more compassionate, more empathetic. All of that is very, very welcomed, and none of it should be scary.”
The Being Mary Jane star hasn’t been shy about her stance on therapy. If you don’t know, here’s a hint: she’s all for it, and she encourages others to try it as well. She likens therapy to dating by suggesting that you keep looking for the right therapist to match your needs. Two other essential keys to her growth are radical transparency and radical acceptance (though she admits she is still working on the latter).
"I was a bad motherfucker before perimenopause. I’m a bad motherfucker now, and I'll be a bad motherfucker after menopause. Know what I’m saying? None of that has to change. How I’m a bad motherfucker, I welcome that part of the change."
Gabrielle Union and Kaavia Union-Wade
Photo by Monica Schipper/Getty Images
“I hope that a.) you recognize that you're not alone. Seek out help and know that it's okay to be honest about what the hell is happening in your life. That's the only way that you know you can get help, and that's also the only other way that people know that you are in need if there's something going on,” she says, “because we have all these big, very wild, high expectations of people, but if they don't know what they're actually dealing with, they're always going to be failing, and you will always be disappointed. So how about just tell the truth, be transparent, and let people know where you are. So they can be of service, they can be compassionate.”
Gabrielle’s transparency is what makes her so relatable, and has so many people root for her. Whether through her TV and film projects, her memoirs, or her social media, the actress has a knack for making you feel like she’s your homegirl. Scrolling through her Instagram, you see the special moments with her family, exciting new business ventures, and jaw-dropping fashion moments. Throughout her life and career, we’ve seen her evolve in a multitude of ways. From producing films to starting a haircare line to marriage and motherhood, her journey is a story of courage and triumph. And right now, in this season, she’s asking, “What’s next?”
“This is a season of discovery and change. In a billion ways,” says the NAACP Image Award winner. “The notion of like, ‘Oh, so and so changed. They got brand new.’ I want you to be brand new. I want me to be brand new. I want us to be always constantly growing, evolving. Having more clarity, moving with different purpose, like, and all of that is for me very, very welcomed."
"I want you to be brand new. I want me to be brand new. I want us to be always constantly growing, evolving. Having more clarity, moving with different purpose, like, and all of that is for me very, very welcomed."
She continues, “So I'm just trying to figure out what's next. You know what I mean? I'm jumping into what's next. I'm excited going into what's next and new. I'm just sort of embracing all of what life has to offer.”
Look out for Gabrielle in the upcoming indie film Riff Raff, which is a crime comedy starring her and Jennifer Coolidge, and she will also produce The Idea of You, which stars Anne Hathaway.
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When I came across a way to maximize the pleasure I receive from cunnilingus (already), I had no choice but to tap in. Who knew the key to taking oral sex to new heights was giving it a sideways twist? For those of you who might also be interested in ways to spice up the way you do oral, experience faster and stronger orgasms, or simply want to indulge in something new with your partner, the Kivin Method could definitely be the oral sex technique for you, too.
Keep reading to learn about the method that is sure to have you writhing in ecstasy in no time at all.
What Is The Kivin Method?
For the uninitiated, the Kivin Method is an oral sex technique that focuses on stimulating the clitoris from a different angle. Dubbed “sideways oral” by some, this method involves the action of giving head from a side-to-side movement as opposed to the up-and-down motion that people typically perform when giving head. (If you need a visual, this illustration is helpful.)
The difference in approach as you’re receiving head can be a game-changer in how you receive pleasure. Not only does the giving partner have access to the clitoris, but they can also access more easily the vulva and the labia, which are objectively a bigger focus in this version of cunnilingus. More access means wider coverage, and that, plus the new sensation of oral from a different angle, can heighten the way you experience oral sex that much more.
Where more pleasure flows, intense orgasms are sure to follow.
Getty Images
How To Do The Kivin Method
If you want to know how to do the Kivin Method, it’s actually pretty straightforward. The receiver lays on their back while the giver positions themselves perpendicular to the receiver. Their head will be facing the vulva, but instead of vertical, their face will be horizontal to the vulva.
From there, the giver can get to business, ensuring that they keep their head perpendicular to the receiver’s vulva while working on their craft. Because this technique can be more intense for some receivers, start slowly by stroking the vulva and clitoris sideways with the tongue, and allow sensations and communication from the receiver to be a guide of what you need more or less of with the Kivin Method.
Ultimately, the Kivin Method allows experimentation and unlocking what pressure, rhythm, and tricks work best for the giver and the receiver. Try implementing a finger or two, or adding a sex toy to the mix to intensify the act even further.
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Featured image by Delmaine Donson/Getty Images
