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When we imagine arranged marriages in the traditional sense, our minds may trail off into stereotypes that reflect reluctant brides, invasive parents, with two coerced individuals, doomed to suffer in a loveless union. Not so romantic, right? But arranged marriages are not to be confused with forced marriages. See, the former centers the autonomy of choice: with two consenting adults, choosing to pursue one another for a lifetime - even after the allure of their parent's wise counsel fades. This was the case for content creators, Cam and Vicky Logan; who after 7 years of marriage illustrates what can happen when the potential for love is offered and accepted.
Courtesy of Vicky Logan
Cam and Vicky's parents were friends before the two of them ever met. Follow me: Vicky's father was celebrating his 40th birthday and invited Cam's father; it was there that Vicky met Cam's dad. Soon after the party, both sets of parents suggested that the two should meet, so Cam and Vicky started by adding each other on Facebook. Initially, there weren't any sparks that ignited their correspondence. In fact, Vicky shares that she never intended on dating someone who shared the same "Preacher's Kid" background that she grew up in, being that both her mother and grandmother were wives of preachers.
"I wanted a different experience and I knew how much work it would take," she shares. But what she didn't know was how God would use her expert-level background as preparation for the marriage awaiting her, "The joke was on me because since I knew how much it would take, it was just preparing me for doing the work with Cam."
Although reluctant at first, answering the call allowed her to step deeper into her purpose in becoming a helpmeet, which for Cam, was an answered prayer, "Growing up as a preacher's kid, various girlfriends didn't understand my necessity to be at church all the time, it's part of my life. As I got older and matured, I knew I needed someone that was going to understand this life in ministry and when I found out that she was a PK too, things started going off in my head like, 'Oh, this could work.'"
Courtesy of Vicky Logan
Their friendship grew even as the miles separating them widened, with Vicky finishing school in Texas, and Cam starting his post-grad life in Chicago. The distance between them allowed the space to be filled with what would fortify their relationship in the long run: deep and intentional communication. Still, the two had to get creative for things to work since, even in the early 2010s, technology still hasn't quite reached its peak, "We were recording videos on the back cameras of our iPhone 3s, we were on ooVoo and Skype. We communicated as much as we could to feel connected even though we were 1000 miles away," Cam says. Or as Vicky puts it, "We were definitely doing the most."
But you have to applaud the effort. Especially when you're young and dating at a distance, since, let's be honest, the innate reflex is to jump straight to the physical. Cultivating verbal and non-physical intimacy was fundamental for the two in their early days, "Since we weren't sexually attracted to each other at first, we were able to develop a natural, non-sexual friendship," Cam shares. "We genuinely talked about our interests and desires. It wasn't just, 'Aye girl, what you got on?'"
This approach laid a solid framework for their relationship because they were (and still are) truly friends, "At the end of the day, she's my homey, that's my best friend. Then you add the physical, sexual attraction and it just elevates how deeply we care about each other," Cam tells xoNecole.
"At the end of the day, she's my homey, that's my best friend. Then you add the physical, sexual attraction and it just elevates how deeply we care about each other."
One of the keys to making love work is building a relationship from a solid friendship. You never really know how important that can be until you're facing a difficult time with your partner, like a global pandemic, and realize there are some things that romance and sex just can't fix. As Vicky shares, you have to truly be in like with each other, "People like to ask me, how do we not get bored with one another? Well, we're friends! Do you get bored with your friends?" she shares laughingly.
The authenticity of their companionship not only beams over the phone but also through the camera. For over 10 years, YouTube has served as a digital archive for Vicky to document everything from ever-changing hairstyles, her colorful style hauls, and witty girl talk videos. So when the two got engaged in 2013, it was only natural for them to join forces to create their own vlog channel, Life With the Logans. As both platforms grew, there was one annual video that their community looked forward to the most: their Marriage Q&As.
Only in 2020, things were different. With COVID forcing everyone inside, Cam and Vicky decided to open their YouTube livestreams for their subscribers to ask them all things love and relationships advice. The response was so great, it springboarded their newest collaboration, the Everything is We podcast.
"We had a really good foundation because we spent a lot of time just being friends. Now, when we go through things as a married couple, we have our friendship to fall back on, it's not like our only connection was sexual or romantic. We had a true friendship where we enjoyed hanging out together, doing things together, marking each other laugh, no matter what we're doing, we're enjoying each other's company."
Courtesy of Vicky Logan/Instagram
On their faith-based, relationship-centered podcast, the two speak candidly about a range of topics from sex before marriage, toxic relationships, love languages, and even gender roles and submission. After 7 years of marriage, the two felt confident enough in their experiences to dish advice on their union from a place of transparency to host honest and open dialogue. "We know each other well enough to give people something of substance. This a 'we' thing, not just a 'me' thing," Vicky shares, explaining the origin of the show.
Creating as a "we" continues to add color and vibrancy to the Logans' relationship, with visual documentation being a vital part of how they keep record of their experiences together and connect with their audience. Vicky grew up with home videos and videotapes being essential in logging her childhood memories, so continuing that tradition was a natural progression for her and Cam's story. "I love documenting our relationship because I can always go back and see our memories happening on video. It keeps me grounded because I can see our progression as a couple," Vicky explains.
Courtesy of Vicky Logan
Documenting your life online for yourself and for the world to see comes with its own set of boundaries. For the Logans, that means staying true to their authentic selves and being present in the moments they share together. Cam expresses that who you are online should always match who you are in private. "I saw people that would vlog and become these public figures, and when they turn the cameras off, they're nothing like that. For me, in everything that I do, I want to be consistent."
Staying rooted as a content creator requires a deep level of self-awareness and routine check-ins with yourself. In fact, Vicky recalls a time early in her vlogging career where she found herself swept away in the process of creating a perfect memory, instead of participating in the moment. "When I was heavily into YouTube, I was vlogging so much, I felt like I have to go back and watch those videos to remember what happened because I wasn't present in the moment." She continues, "I was looking at my life through the lens instead of looking at it as my life. I never want to get back to that point. I try to prioritize being in the moment rather than creating content."
"When I was heavily into YouTube, I was vlogging so much, I felt like I have to go back and watch those videos to remember what happened because I wasn't present in the moment. I was looking at my life through the lens instead of looking at it as my life. I never want to get back to that point. I try to prioritize being in the moment rather than creating content."
When you've been with someone through your 20s and into your early 30s like the Logans have, evolution becomes the third wheel. Over the years, the two have seen each other grow and evolve as individuals with callings that stand alone and complement each other's purpose. Arriving at the place in a relationship where everything is truly about the we and not the me takes sacrifice, time, and the process of "dying to yourself" daily. That means pride and self-centeredness have no place. For the Logans, this required taking the time to learn how to truly love each other the way each person needs to be loved, not the way they assumed they needed to be loved. As Vicky puts it, "I think sometimes people come into relationships a little bit prideful and don't want to change."
But if the common goal is longevity, you have to forgo the "that's just the way I am" mentality. "We know that we're different people, but at the same time, we want to operate as a team," Vicky shares. "You have a partner for a reason: to help you."
​Courtesy of Vicky Logan/Instagram
If you follow the #CamToria hashtag on Instagram, you'll find that the Logans are far more than your typical "relationship goals", they're the embodiment of steadfastness. A marriage that hasn't rushed through the years or the moments that they've shared together, but has instead made the daily decision to partake in the witnessing of one another's blooming growth. "My life has changed just by being friends with Cam," Vicky reflects, "He truly loves people and I try to be like that more and more every day."
For Cam, experiencing Vicky's growth has been the greatest honor to witness as a husband, "[Vicky's] ability to literally go after her dreams... I don't know if people realize how difficult that is in a society that trains you to do what people tell you to do." He adds, "She's a boss, but remains humble and loving at the end of the day. She's constantly growing and I'm just happy to be married to her."
The freedom in having an unconventional love story is in the license it gives to a couple to tell a story that's never been told before. Although arranged marriages aren't something that's typically highlighted in the Black community, the Logans exemplify what can happen when you follow the wise counsel of your parents, while fostering the "it takes a village" adage. "I think our community could benefit from the fact that our parents are connected with solid people with solid foundations, values, and morals," Cam says. When you're building towards a future legacy, sometimes the best way to know where you're headed to by trusting the wisdom and guidance of those who have been where you're headed. Even if that turns out to be your own parents.
"I know that when we have children, that's definitely something I plan on doing," Cam says.
To stay connected with Cam and Vicky Logan, check out their new podcast Everything is We on YouTube and Spotify. And follow them on IG via @victoriouslogan and @camlogan.
Featured image courtesy of Cam and Vicky
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This article is in partnership with the City of Charlotte Tourism Board.
Trading the security—hello, regular paychecks and benefits—that come with a 9-to-5 for the unknowns of entrepreneurship requires a big leap of faith. Yet, for the women who dare to start their own venture, and muscle through challenges (particularly those of the last year), the experience is intensely rewarding—doubly so when your business helps bring vitality to your neighborhood, and is supported by your neighbors. But where to start?
These three women, all of whom left successful careers with big corporations to be their own boss, found the welcoming, mid-sized city of Charlotte to be fertile ground for opening up shop. Spoiler alert: They're happier than ever!
Remi Haygood, Charlotte Yarn
Courtesy of Remi Haygood
Remi Haygood learned to knit to deal with the stress of a corporate banking job. As she knit and purled each new skein of yarn, this calming pastime slowly became her passion.
In 2005, Haywood learned that the owner of Charlotte Yarn was looking to sell the store and she decided it was time to leave the corporate world and embark on a new career.
"Even though I had never worked retail, I have never been shy about trying new things," she says. "I liked knowing that I was in control of whether it failed or succeeded."
Haygood admits the learning curve was steep: She'd never used a cash register or run payroll and had no idea about business essentials like applying for tax identification numbers or paying sales tax, all while researching knitting trends, building a local knitting community, and marketing her store to bring in shoppers.
"I thought, 'I'll order yarn and teach people to knit,' but there was a lot of work on the back end to make the business run," she says.
It didn't take long for Haygood to master the basics; she took to entrepreneurship the same way she took to knitting: quickly and passionately. Charlotte Yarn customers embraced the business—and the change in ownership—and cheered Haygood on as she put her own spin on the shop.
The business skills that Haygood developed running Charlotte Yarn were essential for navigating the pandemic. She changed the store hours, introduced beginner knit kits to help people learn the craft during quarantine, promoted one-on-one (socially distanced) knitting lessons and introduced virtual "sit and knit" gatherings. Haygood's now launching corporate team-building events to help others relieve stress through knitting.
"I don't knit as much as I used to and my hobby is now my work," she says. Yet the locals who've supported her from the start are all the better for it. "I find joy in seeing how much knitting has helped other people."
Lindsey Williams, Davidson Wine Co.
Courtesy of Lindsey Williams
After graduating from law school, Lindsey Williams spent a decade working for a big bank. Williams was successful, climbing the corporate ladder and receiving accolades for her work, but she was burned out and looking for new opportunities.
"I started thinking, 'What if I went out on my own? What is something I would want to do?'" she recalls. "I'd always loved wine…and I fostered that love of wine into my next career."
Williams took winemaking classes and participated in an internship with a winemaker in California before opening Davidson Wine Co. in 2019. "As a lawyer, when you have a difficult case, you do a lot of research," she recalls. "I wasn't going to feel comfortable going into wine without knowing a lot about it."
The "urban winery" in Davidson (about a half hour from Charlotte) produces popular wines like merlot, cabernet and chardonnay as well as unique wines like petit verdos and pinotages. As head winemaker, Williams makes all of the wines and offers tastings, wine sales and a bistro menu from the wine bar in bustling downtown Davidson.
Her legal background proved helpful for navigating the federal and state regulations but, Williams admits, "I had no idea all of the hats I'd be wearing: winemaker, retail, marketing, human resources all fall on me."
Opening a wine bar meant trading a (mostly) 9-to-5 career for one that requires working nights and weekends, and the transition to entrepreneurship required several other adjustments. Williams credits local mentors for helping her navigate the challenges and celebrate the successes of being her own boss.
"It's important for women to find other mentors and support," she says. "Having someone to provide a sounding board when I'm having a challenge and leaning on others to help is one of the things that's been really beneficial to me."
Sherry Waters, The Pauline Tea Bar-Apothecary
Courtesy of Sherry Waters
Although Sherry Waters had a background in marketing and public relations, she credits her work as a hospital chaplain for inspiring her to open an herbal tea lounge. "The idea of having a sacred space for the community was planted in my heart," she recalls.
In 2019, Waters opened The Pauline Tea Bar-Apothecary in Charlotte's Camp Greene historic neighborhood district. Customers order steaming mugs of herbal tea, read, meditate, journal or engage in quiet conversation. A grant from the Center City Small Business Innovation Fund allowed Waters to build a labyrinth behind the building in the Camp Greene neighborhood.
"It's quite different from a normal café," she says. "The intention here is to unplug and find respite and solace in a peaceful environment…it's a sanctuary space."
Creating that kind of environment required a great deal of work. Waters studied herbal teas, tapped into community resources, hired staff and maintained long to-do lists to keep things running. In an attempt to do it all, she realized the need to prioritize self-care.
"I've gotten better about learning to say 'no,'" she says. "There have to be boundaries to protect my time."
It's hard to take time off when the demand is so great. The community has embraced the unique space, dropping in for tea and renting the tea bar for special events. During the pandemic, Waters received invitations to sell loose leaf teas and cold brews at two local farmers markets. It added to her schedule but offset COVID-19-related business losses—and brought Waters even closer to her community.
"I've always found Charlotte to be generous, supportive and innovative," she says. "One of the most important skills you can have as a business owner is being part of your community, aware of their needs and able to respond."
Featured image courtesy of Sherry Waters
At 21, I found out I was pregnant. I was devastated. As a first-generation college student, I was ready to take on the world and start my career. Instead, I was dealing with one of the biggest decisions of my life: to keep the child or not. I chose to become a mom. Accepting motherhood wasn't the hardest part, it was knowing the child's father was not ready to be a man.
There were moments, more than I'd like to admit, that gave me a glimpse of what life would look like in the future. He was short-tempered, irrational, and a cheater. In my mind, I thought I could change him, and that the birth of our child would bring us closer together. My pregnancy was spent trying to convince myself that we would make it by playing house. There was no amount of cooked meals, feeding his ego, or promises that could undo the inevitable.
Two weeks after giving birth, I was back in my family's home with a newborn. Living together proved to be more of a burden than what it was worth. I was so concerned with the optics of what a family looked like that I forget I was important too. More fragile than ever before, I needed to be surrounded by love and kindness.
There is no way you can fully extend love to your child without giving it to yourself first.
Photography by S. Bola Okoya
Our relationship fell into a pattern of harsh breakups and emotional makeups. We were young and inexperienced with these kinds of issues. Eventually, we parted ways. Therapy helped me break the cycle of trying to make it work. I remember sitting on a big brown couch in what was supposed to be couples therapy, alone. The therapist, a white middle-aged man, asked me, "Why do you stay and allow yourself to get hurt?" I didn't have an answer. I'm sure back then I thought it was because the family was important to me, but now I think it was a learned behavior. The long-suffering (girlfriend) wasn't a new concept to me; it surrounded me like an invisible cloak, both familiar and toxic. By the next session, I had decided to start a new chapter as a single mom. It was the best decision I've ever made.
I firmly believe that once you let go of things that no longer serve you will be rewarded with peace of mind.
My renewed spirit made space for laughter and love. I went from crying myself to sleep from unanswered calls to sleeping peacefully next to my child. There was no longer a need to crack the password to his Facebook account or call family members to confirm his whereabouts. I was free. The kind of freedom that only comes when you choose your happiness over others.
For what it's worth, this was the first time since I started dating at 15 that I had experienced this type of control over my love life. Usually, I stayed too long in relationships that had run its course or waited until the other person did something so egregious that it made it easy for me to leave. I got the hint this time and finally took back my power. This meant learning who I was without the approval of a man, finding out my likes and dislikes, as well as creating healthy boundaries.
If you're a parent and questioning your relationship, I suggest asking yourself the following questions:
- If there wasn't a child involved, would your relationship be over?
- Does your partner exhibit toxic traits?
- Have the attempts to fix the relationship been unsuccessful?
- Do you have doubts about their loyalty?
- Do you feel unsupported?
Photography by S. Bola Okoya
If you answered yes to any of the questions, then it may be time to consider your options. If you answered no, great, there's still hope. All relationships are susceptible to rough patches and if it's worth fighting for then do the work.
My child's father became a footnote in a bigger love story, a journey that led me to a healthy relationship with my partner of five years. This man loved my baby and me and proudly assumed the fatherhood role. There was hope for me, and I know there's hope for you too.
Featured image via Ayana Iman/Instagram
Originally published on November 10, 2019
One of my favorite things about being a Black woman is that we get to experiment with our hair in ways that most could never. From sew-ins, to silk presses, to geometric braid patterns, and more, there are literally zero bounds to the possibilities.
And thankfully, social media is filled with hella examples of almost all of them.
But one got my attention in the most amazing way, I couldn't help but to share. And although my algorithm is filled with pages of hair on hair on hair, I had never seen a style quite like this one before. It was a Black woman with a mullet. And it was with all her natural hair.
Hear me out.
Cut and styled by Los Angeles-based hairstylist, K Brunson, this style warped everything we ever thought we knew about the natural hair game, with a silk pressed mullet of inches on inches on inches. In a post shared to social media, in simple caption, KB writes:
"Hey Y'all! I Had Fun With This ... #mullet #mullethaircut"
And listen, he has done it all, from international perm campaigns, to Caucasian highlights, so it's only fitting that he has this style under his belt too. Which, don't get me wrong, I understand that mullets are nothing new. It's been around for decades. But to see one, on a woman of color, with her natural silk-pressed tresses down her back, is worth conversation, especially because we value creativity in the Black hair community.
And thankfully, many commenters were just as amazed as I was.
From those who understood on an industry level:
Kthestylistb/Instagram
To those who loved the nostalgia:
Kthestylistb/Instagram
And from the speechless:
Kthestylistb/Instagram
All the way to the skeptics:
Kthestylistb/Instagram
--
Overall, the post has gotten so much love, raking in thousands of likes and shared to other hair lover pages who equally were excited to discuss. But I have to ask, could you rock this style? Or would you leave it to the pros?
Let me know your thoughts!
Are you a member of our insiders squad? Join us in the xoTribe Members Community today!
Featured image by KthestylistB/Instagram
Halle Berry is a girl's girl, but it's no secret she has love for men too. However, her list of high-profile relationships has been met with harsh criticism like "she can't keep a man." In true Halle Berry fashion, the star addressed the trolls with a classy clapback via Instagram last year writing:
"Who said I wanted to keep them? I'm all about living your best life, if you make a wrong move, course correct and re-spin and start again!"
We couldn't have said it any better! The Hollywood star is all about the re-spin and so are we. The 53-year-old mom of two chatted with friend Lena Waithe over an Instagram Live a year ago about how it's been navigating singledom after her last divorce with actor Olivier Martinez. "I have decided to take time. I'm very much a relationship-oriented person, I always want to be with someone. But I decided, no I'm going to slow my roll, I'm going to take a minute and I'm going to spent time with me," she said.
"One year led to two years and two years is now leading to three years. But I'm fine because I think the next relationship I have I think I will have a better chance of attracting and choosing what's right for me because I've taken this time to think about what's important to me."
She continued, "I no longer feel the need for a relationship so I don't feel the need to rush or accept something that's not totally right for me. Not that anything's wrong with the people I've been with but I'm going to wait for my match or I will stay solo and be with my kids and do my life the way I'm doing it."
Chris Pizzello-Pool/Getty Images
Fast forward a year later, and Halle has hit another re-spin! She and new beau Van Hunt made their official couple debut on the 2021 Oscars red carpet. The couple was the talk of the awards show, but we want to talk about how Halle is living proof that simply just settling should never be an option. She looks happier than ever since she started dating the Grammy Award-winning singer-songwriter in September 2020.
Below see Halle's dating history (including three marriages) that led her to her newfound love at 53. Say it with us, respin.
Danny Wood (1989):
Larry Busacca/WireImage
Halle's first relationship thrust into the limelight was with New Kids on the Block's Danny Wood. It was brief but the paparazzi loved the pair even though Halle hadn't shot to stardom yet.
Christopher Williams (1991-1992):
Aside from dating Halle Berry, R&B crooner Christopher Williams is most known for his hit singles "Talk to Myself" (1989), "I'm Dreamin'" (1991), and "Every Little Thing U Do" (1993).
David Justice (1993-1997):
Ron Davis/Getty Images
This pro-baseball player was Halle's first husband. It's safe to say that things did not end amicably between the two since after their split Halle filed for a restraining order against David Justice. In the past, the actress has also been transparent about trying to commit suicide after the failure of their marriage. She told Parade magazine via PEOPLE:
"It was all about a relationship. My sense of worth was so low. I promised myself I would never be a coward again."
Shemar Moore (1997-1998):Â
Although Halle dated the Criminal Minds actor during the prime of her career, they were very private. Only in recent years has Shemar Moore opened up. "She was the first woman to really knock my socks off. I fell hard for Halle. A lot of people now know we dated, but we had to keep it hush-hush at the time because she was fresh off her divorce from David Justice. I'm still grateful for that relationship," spilled in an interview circa 2013.
Eric Benét ​(2001-2005):
Frank Trapper/Corbis via Getty Images
This R&B/neo soul singer-songwriter and actor, who has received a total of four Grammy nominations, was the second man to put a ring on Halle's finger. After meeting in 1997, the pair got engaged three years later and officially tied the knot in January 2001. Eric Benet and Halle Berry quickly went from Hollywood "it" couple to divorce after he admitted to infidelity on his part. Halle opened up to Oprah Winfrey about their marriage saying she had an emotional breakdown when he told her about his affairs, but that she became stronger after the marriage failed.
"I had an emotional breakdown... I knew for a fact, 'this is not my fault.' Because I knew I'd been a good wife. I'd given a lot of myself and I learned from mistakes I thought I made in my first marriage. I knew I had grown in many areas."
Michael Ealy (2004-2005):
Halle had chemistry with her Their Eyes Were Watching God co-star Michael Ealy on and off-screen. Although it didn't work out, the actors remain friends till this day.
Gabriel Aubry (2005-2010):
Steve Granitz/WireImage
When Halle began dating this Canadian model, the two were pictured everywhere. They share a daughter, Nahla, together who they've famously battled over in court.
Olivier Martinez (2013-2016):
Halle Berry married French actor Olivier Martinez shortly after her split from Aubry. Their son Marco, was born soon after that. Olivier famously got into a fistfight during his time with Halle with her ex Aubry that made headlines.
Alex da Kid (2017):Â
After her third marriage didn't work out, Halle dated this British musician for a couple of months.
Van Hunt (Present):
Chris Pizzello-Pool/Getty Images
Halle gushed about her new man in a sweet birthday post ahead of their Oscars debut:
"A real woman can do it all by herself, but a real MAN won't let her. Happy birthday VanO. I only wish I'd known you sooner so I could have loved you longer!"
#Respin
Featured image by Chris Pizzello-Pool/Getty Images
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