
November is going to be a month that sheds light on the things lurking underneath the surface of all of our lives. With Scorpio Season remaining in effect for much of the month until the 21st, trust that your inner investigative nature is likely to make an appearance!
This will be an introspective and transformational period where many of us will be focused on growing and healing. The period surrounding the New Moon in Scorpio taking place on November 4th in particular is ideal for shadow work or to engage in reflective and meditative practices like crystal healing, reiki, yoga or taking spiritual baths.
A Full Moon partial lunar eclipse will take place on November 19th in the sign of Taurus. Look out for urgent revelations and sudden conclusions relating to the balancing of your needs and the desires of those close to you.
Here's what you can expect for your sign in November:
Aries
AriesLaci Jordan for xoNecoleSince Scorpio season began on October 23rd, you may have found yourself paying increased attention to matters related to sex, death, inheritance, or investments. Experiences and people related to this, or to all things taboo and hidden under the surface, have been highlighted for your awareness and reflection for the majority of this month. Adding to the intensity that this month will bring for you is the New Moon in Scorpio taking place on November 4th, illuminating a transformational area of your chart. Expect positive new experiences and beginnings with a lover, or financially. They are likely to positively transform your perspective and approach to life.
The following day, Venus will light up the area in your chart ruling your profession. Your money-making abilities are likely to be boosted for a full four months until this cycle ends in early March 2022. Secure that bag, Aries! Use this opportunity to ask for a raise, or to otherwise make upward moves in your career! Later in the month on November 19th, someone, something, or a situation that has been getting in the way of you feeling like your best self is likely to eclipse out of your life. Or you may decide to take steps toward ending a toxic relationship or leaving an unhealthy environment in the three days preceding and following the 19th.
It is likely to be an emotional time for you so take a moment to reflect and recharge. Whoever or whatever exits your life at this time wasn't meant to remain for the long haul. After the heavy energy and experiences during the week of the 19th, you may feel like getting away when the Sun enters your house of travel, expansion, and exploration on the 21st. Embrace the bolder and more daring energy that's entering your life now while you have a chance! When the Sun leaves Sagittarius and enters Capricorn at the end of December, it will be time to put your career hat back on.
Taurus
TaurusLaci Jordan for xoNecoleThe sun has been illuminating the area in your chart ruling partnerships and marriage since late October. Are you thinking about taking things to the next level with your significant other? Or are you reflecting on whether or not you should call it quits? New relationships (or a fresh start in an existing relationship) are likely to occur on or around November 4th, when the New Moon in Scorpio breathes new life into your serious partnerships. The following day, on November 5th, Venus enters your 9th house adding a sense of beauty, good fortune, and enhancement to the area of your chart ruling travel, expansion, bold moves, and new experiences. You are going to enjoy this period, which will last for four months until early March. Don't be afraid to step out of your comfort zone Taurus!
Whatever bold moves you make now are likely to work in your favor. Use this period to expand your horizons.
Learn something new or explore a new locale. The full moon taking place on November 19th will feature a partial lunar eclipse. This period will be one of self-awareness and self-actualization for you. You may have been in the dark when it comes to an aspect of yourself that hasn't been serving your relationships or higher self. You are likely to have a slight epiphany about something you have been in denial about or that was kept hidden from you. When the sun enters Sagittarius and your 8th house on the 21st, you will notice an energy shift on a focus towards sex and investments.
Sex will take on a healing and deeply transformational slant during this period, a perfect phase for exploring sexual healing modalities like tantric sex, tantric self-pleasure, or something more intense like BDSM. That would be an excellent phase to work on balancing your root chakra.
Gemini
GeminiLaci Jordan for xoNecoleThe Sun has been illuminating your 6th house since late October, emphasizing your focus on health, work, and daily habits. Your focus on these areas will likely continue until the Sun enters Sagittarius and your 7th house on the 21st when your attention will shift to how you can contribute your newly revitalized self to the improvement of your close relationships. Strengthening your focus on this area will be the New Moon in Scorpio taking place on November 4th. The period surrounding the 5th of the month is an ideal time to begin a new daily habit that will benefit your health or your work. Can you squeeze in a quick HIIT workout between Zoom meetings? What about a walking meditation during your lunch break? Have you been curious about starting a Keto diet? Now is a great opportunity to embark on a new beginning as it relates to your health and exercise habits.
You may even find yourself making a new connection with a coworker as your mind shifts to adding more structure to your work, your diet, and your health. The highlight of November for you will take place on or around November 5th when Venus shines beams onto your 8th house of sex, investments, and other people's money for a full FOUR months. Don't be surprised if you receive a sudden unexpected windfall, or if you embark on a journey of sexual healing that transforms you on a mental, emotional, and physical level.
At the end of the month on November 19th, a partial lunar eclipse will take place in the area of your chart that rules hidden enemies and your subconscious mind. Pay attention to any insights you receive from your intuition or gut feelings during this period of time, especially as they relate to frenemies. When Sagittarius season begins on the 21st, carve out some time to strengthen your bond with your significant other or business partner.
Cancer
CancerLaci Jordan for xoNecoleThe Sun has been lighting up your 5th house of fun, flirtation, creativity, and recreation since Scorpio season started on October 23rd. Enjoy three more weeks of good times, enhanced artistic abilities, and increased opportunities for flirting! Lean into this by tapping into your inner child. You know how the saying about all work and no play goes! Take this time to have fun before the Sun enters your house of well-being and work on the 21st, at which time you'll find yourself having to take on more of a structured approach to life. The New Moon taking place on November 5th will further illuminate this area of your chart; you may pick up a new hobby, create something, or lock down a cutie for cuffing season!
This is an ideal time for working on your sacral chakra or carrying orange and yellow crystals.
The most exciting news for you this month is an extended visit from Venus to your seventh house of long-term relationships, marriage, and business partnerships - and she's bringing blessings and positive vibes with her! Expect a boost of good fortune when it comes to your relationships. What starts out as a fun flirtation early this month may end up standing the test of time over the next several months. Are you already in a serious relationship? Don't be surprised if things reach a higher level of intimacy over the next four months.
At the end of the month on November 19th, a partial lunar eclipse takes place in the area of your chart ruling your social circle. Take it that there's something you didn't previously know about someone in your friend group. You may receive an epiphany and this may be an emotional time for you. Whatever realizations you make now are unlikely to be fully revealed or resolved until the Taurus solar eclipse in April 2022. Tread cautiously and take time for yourself!
Leo
LeoLaci Jordan for xoNecoleIt's time to get your house in order Leo! Prepare for a month that focuses on foundations of all kinds, especially as they pertain to your home, your job, your health, and your family. The New Moon taking place on the 5th will emphasize your focus on family and living arrangements. Are you moving to a new place in the three days immediately preceding and following this new moon? Do you plan on taking on a caregiving role soon for a friend or loved one? Getting a new roommate? Welcoming a new member to the family?
Rest assured that you have blessings on your side. Now is an ideal time to rearrange your home or to invest in some decor that will breathe fresh life into your crib. Your new living or family arrangements are likely to be beneficial or to otherwise work out in your favor. Venus will shine lucky beams into all endeavors relating to your health, daily habits, and work for the next four months, beginning on November 5th! Have you been thinking about picking up a new workout routine or diet? Now is the time to start - you are likely to receive impressive results from it that will be evident by the time this cycle ends in March 2022.
Despite all of the positive vibes from the Sun and Venus, keep an eye out for a partial lunar eclipse taking place in the area ruling your career. Take it that you may be in the dark as it relates to something going on at work or in your professional field. Whatever it is is unlikely to be revealed until April 2022.
Virgo
VirgoLaci Jordan for xoNecoleExpect to spend more time with your siblings this month, Virgo. Whether it's in person or virtually, this month's focus will be on your communication with siblings, neighbors, your use of (and purchasing of) technology, and short local trips. This is a favorable time for short road trips or purchasing new gadgets. The great news for the month is when Venus lights up the area in your chart ruling friendships, fun, and creative endeavors.
Use this period of time to focus on picking up new hobbies, tapping into your creative side, or embracing your fun, flirtatious side.
Better yet, combine the two! Sign up for a few art or dance classes. Online dating will also be especially fruitful during this phase. On the 19th, a full moon partial lunar eclipse will take place in your house of expansion. Are you itching to make bold new moves, or to set up travel plans? Take your time, and make sure you cross your t's and dot your i's before booking that flight. Lunar eclipses conceal. Take it that you may be in the dark about something you were looking forward to boldly embarking on.
When the Sun enters Sagittarius and your 4th house on the 21st, your focus will naturally shift to matters relating to your family, your foundation, and your home. Use that time to take care of any loose cracks in your house or in your family relationships before they get out of hand!
Libra
LibraLaci Jordan for xoNecoleNovember will shed new light on your sense of self-worth and more tangibly, your financial worth. You are likely to find yourself re-evaluating the yardsticks and other people to which you compare yourself and your successes. This is the perfect time to embark on new activities and experiences geared toward boosting your self-esteem, finances, and sense of worth. This is especially true with the New Moon in Scorpio illuminating this area of your chart on the 5th of the month. Any new jobs, side hustles, or self-esteem boosting endeavors are favored during the three days preceding and three days following this phase.
The highlight of the month for you will be when Venus lights up your 4th house of family, home, and real estate. Expect good fortune and blessings as it relates to those areas and for the entire four months that Venus will remain in that area of your chart. Keep your eye on a partial lunar eclipse taking place in your 8th house of sex, transformation, death, and other people's money. Lunar eclipses conceal, and with this partial lunar eclipse occurring in your area of things lurking underneath the surface, take it that you are in the dark about something related to your investments and sex life. Whatever it is won't be revealed until April 2022, so be sure to vet any potential sexual partners or investment opportunities with a fine-tooth comb.
Sagittarius season arrives on the 21st, shining beams on the area of your chart ruling siblings, technology, short-distance travel, and neighbors. You are likely to purchase and/or receive gadgets for Christmas and to spend increased quality time with your siblings and neighbors. These experiences will be especially meaningful and beneficial for you during this time. Short distance travel is emphasized this month through to December 21st for you specifically.
Of all the signs, you are among those most likely to be embarking on an above-average amount of short-distance travel for the holidays so buckle up!
Scorpio
ScorpioLaci Jordan for xoNecoleNow's your time to shine, Scorpio! You are likely to receive increased attention now through to the end of the month when the Sun enters your second house of value and self-worth. This is particularly true on the 4th when the New Moon in Scorpio lights up your first house of self - you are likely to receive a level of recognition for something you've been diligently working behind the scenes on. Take credit where it's due Scorpio - you deserve it!
A special treat for you will begin on the 5th of the month when Venus enters the area of your chart ruling your relationship with siblings, neighbors, technology, and short-distance travel. Venus will remain here for four months during which you are likely to see a boost in these areas of your life. Whether you plan on speaking at a conference, starting a blog, establishing a social media presence, or diving into online dating, expect increased communication during this phase - it will work to your benefit financially and/or romantically!
Be wary, however, of a partial lunar eclipse occurring in your house of partnerships and marriage. You may be in the dark about an issue as it relates to your spouse or business partner. Whatever it is will come to light during April 2022's solar eclipse, so hold tight!
Sagittarius
SagittariusLaci Jordan for xoNecoleWhat has your intuition been trying to tell you for the past week or so, Sagittarius? Whatever gut feelings you have been experiencing since the 23rd of October are likely to continue through to the end of this month. Pay close attention to them, because whatever messages you receive during this period of time are likely to be extremely valuable for you. This is particularly true during the period surrounding the New Moon on the 4th and the partial lunar eclipse on the 19th.
New Moons are a period of new revelations and experiences whereas Full Moons are a period of culmination and conclusions.
Don't be surprised if a hunch you have around the 4th is confirmed during the period surrounding the Full Moon in Scorpio taking place on the 19th. But don't boldly act on your hunches yet, Sag! Lunar eclipses conceal - whatever hunches you receive may only be partially true, with the rest to be revealed on or around late April 2022. The best news of the month for you? Venus enters your house of finances, self-esteem, self-worth, and beauty.
The period between now and March 2022 will be a literal glow-up for you! Tap into this energy by investing in your finances, your appearance, and in building any skills that will boost how valuable you are in the workspace and from a romantic perspective. All the introspective work that you do now will feed the highlight of the year for you which will be your birthday phase beginning on the 21st.
Do the inner work now, during the first three weeks of the month, so that your outer self can begin to shine when Sag season begins at the end of the month!
Capricorn
CapricornLaci Jordan for xoNecoleSure, you're the boss chick of the zodiac. But you don't need to keep your work hat on all the time, Capricorn! As the hardest working sign in the zodiac, I am personally giving you permission to shift your focus from your career into your social life. Believe it or not, investing in yourself socially will not only boost your friendships but can also have beneficial effects on your career and overall health. Don't neglect that opportunity this month, Cap!
This is especially true during the period surrounding the New Moon in Scorpio taking place on November 4th. You may embark on a new friendship that will prove extremely valuable to you. This will become especially apparent six months from now during the Full Moon in Scorpio taking place in April 2022. The highlight of the month for you will take place on the 5th when November enters your first house of self and appearance. Venus will remain there for the next four months.
You are likely to find yourself focused on your physical appearance and the way in which you present yourself to others. Both will be enhanced and will become more refined and attractive! Expect increased attention during this period; people will take notice of you and are likely to respond to you favorably. Invest in a new wardrobe, schedule cosmetic treatments, or take a public speaking course to ensure you are presenting yourself in a way that accurately reflects who you are.
A partial lunar eclipse is taking place in your house of children, creativity, fun, and recreational sex. Lunar eclipses conceal. If you're a parent, pay close attention to your children. If you're single and mingling, make sure you thoroughly vet a potential lover before meeting up in person or having sex. If something is hidden now, it is not likely to be fully revealed until April 2022.
Aquarius
AquariusLaci Jordan for xoNecoleYou've been on a journey of expansion and knowledge-building, Aquarius! Now's the time to apply all that you've learned and experienced to your profession. The New Moon in Scorpio taking place on the 4th is likely to provide an opportunity to enhance your career. If you are interviewing, applying for, or starting a new gig in the days preceding and following this new moon, your endeavors are likely to go well. Venus enters your house of introspection and intuition on the 19th and will remain here for the next four months. Looking for love? It will come, as long as you do the inner work first! Take moon ritual baths, get reiki, focus on your yoga practice, and/or meditate regularly.
When you shift your focus to the love of self, you will attract love from others without even realizing it.
The period between now and March 2022 is ideal for engaging in shadow work. Dig deep into who you are - flaws and all. Acknowledge and accept all aspects of yourself, even the parts you may be ashamed of or in denial about. You are not perfect, but you are worthy of love. And you can't love another until you love yourself first. This period is intended to remind you of that.
Keep an eye on a partial lunar eclipse taking place in the area ruling your family and home. You may be partially in the dark about something relating to your family, home, or real estate. Hold off on making any major decisions, like purchasing a home or selecting a new roommate, during the week of the 19th.
Pisces
PiscesLaci Jordan for xoNecoleGo big or go home this month Pisces! November offers a rare opportunity to live boldly as the Sun and the New Moon in Scorpio lights up the area of your chart ruling travel, expansion, knowledge, and enlightenment. You may find that the travel bug bites you really hard this month with you biting the bullet and booking that vacay you've been putting off all year. Not in a position to travel? You are likely to find opportunities to expand your horizons within the confines of your neighborhood, whether it's through visits to museums or signing up for some courses.
If you choose to expand your awareness in some way this month Pisces, don't be surprised if you find your social circle expanding as a result! Venus is entering your house of friendships on the 19th where it will remain for a full four months. Enjoy a larger social circle and newfound popularity through to March 2022! Have you been experiencing any issues with your neighbors, siblings, or with technology? Don't aim to make any major or permanent decisions relating to those during the three days leading up to and following the lunar eclipse taking place on the 19th. Take time and watch how you communicate with your siblings and neighbors during this time.
Lunar eclipses conceal. Whatever is hidden relating to those things is unlikely to be fully resolved until April 2022. Overall, this will be an expansive month for you, Pisces! The knowledge and connections that you make from your new experiences over the next several weeks are likely to create a confident new you that could potentially aid your career growth during Sagittarius season and beyond.
For more about zodiac signs, horoscopes, and astrology, check out xoNecole's Horoscopes section here.
Featured image by Laci Jordan/xoNecole
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Because We Are Still IT, Girl: It Girl 100 Returns
Last year, when our xoNecole team dropped our inaugural It Girl 100 honoree list, the world felt, ahem, a bit brighter.
It was March 2024, and we still had a Black woman as the Vice President of the United States. DEI rollbacks weren’t being tossed around like confetti. And more than 300,000 Black women were still gainfully employed in the workforce.
Though that was just nineteen months ago, things were different. Perhaps the world then felt more receptive to our light as Black women.
At the time, we launched It Girl 100 to spotlight the huge motion we were making as dope, GenZennial Black women leaving our mark on culture. The girls were on the rise, flourishing, drinking their water, minding their business, leading companies, and learning to do it all softly, in rest. We wanted to celebrate that momentum—because we love that for us.
So, we handpicked one hundred It Girls who embody that palpable It Factor moving through us as young Black women, the kind of motion lighting up the world both IRL and across the internet.
It Girl 100 became xoNecole’s most successful program, with the hashtag organically reaching more than forty million impressions on Instagram in just twenty-four hours. Yes, it caught on like wildfire because we celebrated some of the most brilliant and influential GenZennial women of color setting trends and shaping culture. But more than that, it resonated because the women we celebrated felt seen.
Many were already known in their industries for keeping this generation fly and lit, but rarely received recognition or flowers. It Girl 100 became a safe space to be uplifted, and for us as Black women to bask in what felt like an era of our brilliance, beauty, and boundless influence on full display.
And then, almost overnight, it was as if the rug was pulled from under us as Black women, as the It Girls of the world.
Our much-needed, much-deserved season of ease and soft living quickly metamorphosed into a time of self-preservation and survival. Our motion and economic progression seemed strategically slowed, our light under siege.
The air feels heavier now. The headlines colder. Our Black girl magic is being picked apart and politicized for simply existing.
With that climate shift, as we prepare to launch our second annual It Girl 100 honoree list, our team has had to dig deep on the purpose and intention behind this year’s list. Knowing the spirit of It Girl 100 is about motion, sauce, strides, and progression, how do we celebrate amid uncertainty and collective grief when the juice feels like it is being squeezed out of us?
As we wrestled with that question, we were reminded that this tension isn’t new. Black women have always had to find joy in the midst of struggle, to create light even in the darkest corners. We have carried the weight of scrutiny for generations, expected to be strong, to serve, to smile through the sting. But this moment feels different. It feels deeply personal.
We are living at the intersection of liberation and backlash. We are learning to take off our capes, to say no when we are tired, to embrace softness without apology.
And somehow, the world has found new ways to punish us for it.

In lifestyle, women like Kayla Nicole and Ayesha Curry have been ridiculed for daring to choose themselves. Tracee Ellis Ross was labeled bitter for speaking her truth about love. Meghan Markle, still, cannot breathe without critique.
In politics, Kamala Harris, Letitia James, and Jasmine Crockett are dragged through the mud for standing tall in rooms not built for them.
In sports, Angel Reese, Coco Gauff, and Taylor Townsend have been reminded that even excellence will not shield you from racism or judgment.

In business, visionaries like Diarrha N’Diaye-Mbaye and Melissa Butler are fighting to keep their dreams alive in an economy that too often forgets us first.
Even our icons, Beyoncé, Serena, and SZA, have faced criticism simply for evolving beyond the boxes society tried to keep them in.
From everyday women to cultural phenoms, the pattern is the same. Our light is being tested.

And yet, somehow, through it all, we are still showing up as that girl, and that deserves to be celebrated.
Because while the world debates our worth, we keep raising our value. And that proof is all around us.
This year alone, Naomi Osaka returned from motherhood and mental health challenges to reach the semifinals of the US Open. A’ja Wilson claimed another MVP, reminding us that beauty and dominance can coexist. Brandy and Monica are snatching our edges on tour. Kahlana Barfield Brown sold out her new line in the face of a retailer that had been canceled. And Melissa Butler’s company, The Lip Bar, is projecting a forty percent surge in sales.

We are no longer defining strength by how much pain we can endure. We are defining it by the unbreakable light we continue to radiate.
We are the women walking our daily steps and also continuing to run solid businesses. We are growing in love, taking solo trips, laughing until it hurts, raising babies and ideas, drinking our green juice, and praying our peace back into existence.
We are rediscovering the joy of rest and realizing that softness is not weakness, it is strategy.
And through it all, we continue to lift one another. Emma Grede is creating seats at the table. Valeisha Butterfield has started a fund for jobless Black women. Arian Simone is leading in media with fearless conviction. We are pouring into each other in ways the world rarely sees but always feels.

So yes, we are in the midst of societal warfare. Yes, we are being tested. Yes, we are facing economic strain, political targeting, and public scrutiny. But even war cannot dim a light that is divinely ours.
And we are still shining.
And we are still softening.
And we are still creating.
And we are still It.

That is the quiet magic of Black womanhood, our ability to hold both truth and triumph in the same breath, to say yes, and to life’s contradictions.
It is no coincidence that this year, as SheaMoisture embraces the message “Yes, And,” they stand beside us as partners in celebrating this class of It Girls. Because that phrase, those two simple words, capture the very essence of this moment.
Yes, we are tired. And we are still rising.
Yes, we are questioned. And we are the answer.
Yes, we are bruised. And we are still beautiful.

This year’s It Girl 100 is more than a list. It is a love letter to every Black woman who dares to live out loud in a world that would rather she whisper. This year’s class is living proof of “Yes, And,” women who are finding ways to thrive and to heal, to build and to rest, to lead and to love, all at once.
It is proof that our joy is not naive, our success not accidental. It is the reminder that our light has never needed permission.
So without further ado, we celebrate the It Girl 100 Class of 2025–2026.
We celebrate the millions of us who keep doing it with grace, grit, and glory.
Because despite it all, we still shine.
Because we are still her.
Because we are still IT, girl.
Meet all 100 women shaping culture in the It Girl 100 Class of 2025. View the complete list of honorees here.
Featured image by xoStaff
Someone's Trying To Hook You Up? Ask These 6 Questions First
As we all know, it’s cuffing season. We’re also on the cusp of the holiday season, and that happens to be the time of year when a lot of people get engaged. And that’s why the fall and winter seasons are the times of the year when folks wanna play matchmaker.
And so, sis, if at least one person in your life is currently trying to set you up with someone they know right now — charge it to it being “tis the season” more than anything else. Because let’s be real — folks tend to be more lovey-dovey than ever right about now, and that is usually what inspires them to try to get as many people boo/bae’d up as possible. Chile…CHILE.
It’s not like it has to be a bad thing. In fact, studies say that somewhere around 15 percent of engaged couples actually met through a friend. All I’m saying is, before you entertain someone’s “I’ve got someone I want you to meet” invitation, it would benefit you to interview them first — for the sake of all parties involved.
The questions that I recommend asking? The following six are what I think can get everyone on the same page, so that there is more pleasure than regret from the hook-up attempt.
1. Why Are They So Invested?
GiphyTwo things that I recently watched over again are the series Survivor’s Remorse (the writing is so damn good) and a movie called Trapped in Temptation (both are currently on Tubi). Something that both of them made me think about is the fact that motive reveals a lot when it comes to why people say and do the things that they do.
When it comes to the movie, specifically, without giving the film away — let me just say that, if you are in a relationship, be really careful about listening to individuals who try to talk you out of maintaining it. More times than not, the motive is shady as hell. And honestly, sometimes people who are close to obsessed with you being in one deserve a bit of side-eye too.
Now, if it’s someone who loves all things love, they are in love and they want you to experience something similar — that’s sweet. Just make sure that they are approaching the set up from a healthy space. What I mean by that is they don’t see singleness as some sort of relational handicap or they aren’t trying to override what you want for your life as if they somehow know better (there are so many ways to be a control freak, y’all).
Hmph. Now that I think about it — make sure that the set-up crew isn’t trying to use you to “save” some male friend or relative of theirs. I say that because I once knew a mother whose son had — count ‘em — 10 kids and she was FOREVER trying to get me to date him. Girl, that wasn’t for me. She was looking for a Holy Ghost Jr. for that child of hers. I’ll pass. HARD PASS.
Bottom line with this one — if someone wants to set you up with someone else, the first thing to ask is why? Make sure to really listen to what their answer is. Then pay attention to if your mind, body and spirit are at peace with their answer(s).
2. Do They Know What You Want?
GiphyI don’t know about y’all, but the people (and let’s be honest, by far, it’s usually women) who have tried to set me up with someone? They didn’t even know what my preferences or type was. Hell, they didn’t even know my thoughts or timeline as it relates to being in a serious relationship were either. And what that boils down to is they were trying to hook me up based on their agenda, not mine — and that usually meant that the guys who they came up with? Yeah…I was good on them. LOL.
Yeah, if someone wants to hook you up, you definitely should ask them if they know what you are looking for in a guy when it comes to his looks, personality, passions, spirituality, relational desires and goals, location, etc. Because, indeed, what is the point in going out with someone who is fine as hell and yet, you want kids and he doesn’t (or vice versa) or who has a great personality yet he isn’t even in the same ballpark of your spiritual beliefs?
If your friend really wants to help you out, valuing your time should come with that — and that means bringing someone into your life who complements your lifestyle. No wiggle room here.
3. Are They Aware of Your Deal-Breakers?
GiphyLast year, I wrote an article for the platform entitled, “Should Bad Sex Actually Be A Relationship Deal-Breaker?” The thing that I think needs to go on record about deal-breakers is they aren’t exactly standards that you have. No, a deal-breaker is something that can’t be worked out even after trying to negotiate or compromise. When it comes to relationships, a deal-breaker might be how long two people should date before becoming exclusive or getting engaged. Another deal-breaker might be if being religious is more important than being spiritual and how that manifests itself (church or no church, etc.). And yes, another deal-breaker may be what each other’s sexual needs and expectations are.
When someone is setting you up, it is imperative that they know about your standards. For instance, for me, I am not interested in dating a divorced person, pretty much ever (I Corinthians 7:10-11). I’ve had friends who have tried to hook me up with that demographic before and it has always been a moot effort. The fact that some of them have gotten frustrated with my convictions has absolutely nothing to do with me. Some have tried to get me to compromise my deal-breakers too — like a long-distance relationship. Is it a firm “naw”? No. However, it’s not really something that I am interested in, so why not just…recommend someone local?
Yeah, if someone thinks that they know you well enough to hook you up, they absolutely should be well-versed in what your deal-breakers are before they do. And if they’ve never asked, all they are doing is assuming — and we know what that typically means. LOL.
4. What Is Their Track Record?
GiphyIt’s kind of wild that we now live in a time when more couples meet online than they do through “old-fashioned ways” like via their friends (although some reports say that Gen Z is getting back to that) — and yet, here we are. Still, if you are willing to let someone play pseudo matchmaker in your life, you are well within your rights to inquire about their track record in that department. Have they hooked others up, successfully, before? Has any of their “Cupid work” caused both people to get exactly what they wanted out of the situation? If/when things went awry, why was that?
I know someone who is constantly trying to hook people up. Thing is, maybe 10-15 percent (no joke) of their efforts have proven to be positive and fruitful — and we’re talking about close to close to two decades of them doing it. Listen, time is too precious to be out here doing stuff ONLY to please other people. That said, if someone wants you to devote some time to one of their grand ideas, you are well within your rights to ask about their past and current success score when it comes to it.
5. Can They Keep Their Own Feelings Out of It?
GiphyWanna know if someone who is offering to do something for you is actually doing it more for themselves? If they try to make it be about them when things don’t go the way they would like, that is a dead ringer. An example? They post a message about you on social media and then question you about why you didn’t do the same thing in return. Another example? They do something for you and then throw it in your face during an argument. Still another example? They set you up with someone, it doesn’t work out, and suddenly you’ve put them in a weird spot. No dear — you put your own self in that position by trying to hook two people up in the first place.
I promise you, it will spare everyone unnecessary energy spent (or even drama experienced) if, before you agree to be hooked up, you get the matchmaker on record stating that they will keep their emotions out of it as much as possible. MEANING — they will do the introductions and then let the chips fall where they may. If they can’t do this, my two cents (save it or spend it) would be to decline the offer. Because all you need is someone texting you about why you haven’t called their cousin back or having an attitude with you when you break up with some guy at their church who they thought was the perfect catch (P.S. These aren’t hypothetical examples — LOL).
6. Will They Respect Your Boundaries? Start to Finish?
GiphyYeah, this final one is a biggie. Just because someone sets you up with another person, that doesn’t automatically or necessarily mean that they should have the right to the details of the dynamic. I don’t care if it’s the first date or the 10th date. I don’t care if you decide to just be sex buddies or to have a full-blown relationship. I don’t care if you stay together or break-up — it’s your relationship which makes it your business. Whatever you share is privileged data.
Yeah, I would say that probably the most challenging thing about being hooked up by someone you know is they have a tendency to think that they are a part of the relationship too — and that is a lie. If things go well beyond a couple of dates, you and the guy should discuss what you will both share with the person who introduced you and then agree to stick to that boundary, no matter what. It’s a great way to protect the dynamic, to keep “outside voices” from influencing the growth and to navigate how you want to move, moving forward.
Someone who hooked you up for the right reasons and knows how to honor limits? They will understand. Will they ask questions? Absolutely. Will they pry? Nah.
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Should you sit and let someone hook you up? I mean, you never know how your blessing will come. Just make sure that they are prepared for you to do some digging into their mindset before they start sweetly meddling into your love life.
It’s only fair. Hell, and right. LOL.
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