A couple of years ago, I discovered a new modality that took my healing journey to the next level. I'm not even sure how I found out about Yoni eggs prior to coming across a distributor's Etsy account but I always seem to be guided to exactly what I need at the right moment. Shortly before my discovery of these transformative crystal eggs, I started having flashbacks of sexual abuse I experienced as a child. I was still living in Long Beach during the resurfacing of this childhood trauma and during the time, I was at a crossroads of whether I should move back to Georgia or stick it out in sunny, expensive SoCal.
A culmination of unfortunate events and an emotional breakdown led to me calling my dad to admit what, at that time, felt like defeat. I needed to come home. After so many years of fearfully holding on to my childhood secret, I crumbled under the emotional overwhelm and revealed what had happened to me decades ago. As much as I wanted to live my California dream, I knew that I needed to be around my family for support while finding my way through sexual trauma that had surfaced for the first time in 20 years. A week later, I was homebound.
Shortly after settling back into my roots, I found myself bonding with my first Yoni egg, a Rose Quartz crystal, marking a new phase of my commitment to self-love, spiritual evolution, and the awakening of a calling hidden in the shadows of my pain.
Editor's Note: This is the writer's personal experience with Yoni eggs. This is in no way a substitute for a medical opinion. If you decide to use Yoni eggs, consult your doctor and use these tools at your own discretion.
What’s a Yoni Egg?
Yoni eggs are egg-shaped crystals used in the vaginal canal for physical, sexual, and spiritual revitalization. The most commonly used Jade Eggs, dating back to royal dynasties in Ancient China, were used to enhance women's healing abilities, creative expression and spiritual power through their sexual energy. Today, Yoni eggs are used for a wide variety of reasons including PMS relief, womb wellness, emotional healing, spiritual growth and so much more!
How Do I Use My Yoni Egg?
Each woman's experience with the Yoni egg will be unique to her. It is common for all sorts of memories and emotions to arise. My personal experience with Yoni eggs has brought about an array of responses mainly dependent upon the type of crystal I use.
My first Yoni egg, Rose Quartz, was a warm and light experience. I recall feeling extremely giggly, like a little girl, along with feeling a gentle lightheartedness. I recommend this crystal for beginners as well as for women that want to cultivate a deeper sense of self-love, enhance fertility, gently heal emotional trauma and expand the heart chakra. Rose Quartz is also well known for increasing vaginal lubrication and emotional intimacy with your partner. Use the power of your yoni wisely! This crystal is best suited for women wanting to deepen emotional intimacy in established relationships. If you're into more casual sexual encounters, Red Carnelian is your best bet.
When choosing a Yoni egg, rely on your intuition, first and foremost. You're likely attracted to a specific type of egg for a reason (just like I was attracted to Rose Quartz as a means of gentle emotional healing). The Jade egg is commonly recommended for beginners due to its non-porous exterior and durability, making it easier to maintain cleanliness and less likely to crack in case your Yoni egg falls out while you're using the bathroom. Yes, it's very common for a beginner's egg to drop into the toilet but as you develop your Yoni egg practice, you'll cultivate greater Yoni awareness, giving you the strength to manipulate your vaginal muscles to prevent your egg from sliding out.
It is recommended that you use your Yoni egg for a few hours every day (except during your menstrual cycle). Regular practice with your Yoni egg can enhance vaginal awareness, increase stimulation, alleviate PMS symptoms, balance emotions, develop self-love, expand intuitive and body awareness, awaken creativity and self-expression, and boost overall vitality.
What Size Yoni Egg Should I Use?
There are three standard sizes of Yoni eggs—-small, medium, and large. Small eggs, best for more experienced users, are 2.0-3.0 cm. Medium eggs, the most popular go-to, are 3.0-4.5 cm. Large eggs, best used for beginners, are 4.0-5.5 c.m.
Small Yoni eggs are great to use for building vaginal coordination, enabling you to easily move your Yoni Egg inside of your vaginal canal. Note:Use this size egg if you've experienced 2nd or 3rd degree Pelvic Prolapse to avoid placing extra pressure on your pelvic organs. The small Yoni egg is also helpful for developing intuition, requiring you to rely on your insight to connect with your Yoni egg's placement. After consistently refining your practice with a medium for several months, you may wish to advance to a small egg.
Medium Yoni eggs are the most commonly used and best recommended after at least one to three months of regular practice with a large egg. If you feel like you can easily remove your large egg and have developed your pelvic floor strength, you may be interested in using a medium egg. Women seem to benefit most from medium eggs which help develop vaginal muscle coordination. Using a Yoni egg takes the Kegel exercise a step further due to both its weightlifting and aerobic components.
Note: If you're on birth control, had a partial/total hysterectomy, or you're experiencing menopause, a medium egg is the best option for you as your vaginal lining may be more delicate.
Large eggs are best recommended for beginners as its width makes it less likely to fall out. This size egg helps you become more neurologically engaged while building vaginal strength. You can also control the movement of your Yoni egg more easily with a large egg. Avoid this size egg if you tear easily during intercourse or have experienced Pelvic Prolapse. Use the large Yoni egg daily (except during your menstrual cycle) for one to three months before advancing to a medium egg.
As you can see, your preferred Yoni egg size varies depending on many factors including personal goals, lifestyle, sexual activity, and medical history. If you need help deciding which size egg is best for you, please consult with a trusted Yoni egg distributor.
Non-Drilled or Drilled Yoni Egg
Both non-drilled and drilled eggs have their pros and cons. The advantages of non-drilled eggs is that they're more basic for beginners, less maintenance to clean, encourages connection with Yoni's muscle movement, and is also preferred during vaginal penetration. Disadvantages of the non-drilled egg include the possibility of a more difficult removal as well as it not being viable for advanced practices.
Drilled eggs offer advantages of easy removal due to the option of a string being used, more versatility for advanced practice, and easier observation of vaginal fluids. Some disadvantages of drilled Yoni eggs include a high maintenance cleaning routine as well as them not being suitable for vaginal penetration.
How to Clean Your Yoni Egg
Rose quartz crystal yoni eggGetty Images
There are various ways to clean your Yoni egg. What I refer to as a thorough cleaning, should be done prior to using your egg for the first time. Avoid harsh cleaning products and opt for natural cleaning ingredients such as hot water, apple cider vinegar, lemon, or baking soda. To begin, boil a cup of water (avoid the microwave) and add 2 tsp of ACV. Once the water is simmering, pour it in a small container. Give the water a few minutes to cool down especially if you're cleaning a quartz crystal (Crystal quartz, Rose quartz, Amethyst).
Allow your egg to relax in the water for a few minutes before rinsing it under lukewarm water. Let the egg air out and cool down before inserting it into your Yoni. You may also like to bathe your Yoni egg in Sage or incense smoke to clear your crystal from energies it previously came into contact with.
How Do I Charge My Yoni Egg?
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First and foremost, energetically cleanse your Yoni egg with Sage or incense smoke prior to charging your egg. Afterwards, gently allow your Yoni egg to rest in the palms of your hand. Focus your intentions on what you desire to cultivate from using your Yoni egg. You can infuse your crystal with self-affirming intention like:
- I am comfortable in my sexual expression.
- I allow myself to enjoy pleasure.
- I orgasm with ease.
- I am confident, focused, and determined.
- I love and accept all aspects of myself.
- I am healed from trauma stored in my womb.
- I embrace my lunar cycle and my PMS is soothed.
Use your intuition to charge the most genuine and helpful intentions into your Yoni egg. You may also like to charge your Yoni egg underneath the moonlight or try burying it outside in a safe place to connect with Gaia's healing energies.
Bonding With Your Yoni Egg
Developing a relationship with your Yoni egg is a unique process for each woman. I prefer somewhat of an elaborate ritual when initiating a new Yoni egg into my collection which includes a Goddess Bath to cleanse my crystal and get a feel for the work she wants to do with me. Although it's totally fine to infuse your own intentions into your Yoni egg, I love connecting with the innate wisdom that each crystal carries. After my Goddess Bath, I may also include a candle meditation, automatic writing or a tarot reading in this initiation process.
Feel free to be as simple or elaborate as you like. Your intention is the most important element of your magic! Other suggestions may include sleeping with your egg underneath your pillow, breathing and Kegel exercises, yoga, sensual dance, or connecting with nature. Use your intention and do what feels best for you!
Want more stories like this? Sign up for our weekly newsletter here and check out the related reads below:
The Power Of Connecting Energetically To Your Yoni
How I'm Cultivating Better Self-Love By Using Yoni Eggs
Take Better Care Of Your Vagina With These Tips
Women Are Using Yoni Steams To Heal Themselves From Sexual Trauma
Featured image by Giphy
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While speaking to xoNecole, Eva shares that she’s a lot like the beloved 1994 character in many ways. “Lyric is so me. She's the odd flower. A flower nonetheless, but definitely not a peony,” she tells us.
“She's not the average flower you see presented, and so she reminds me of myself. I'm a sunflower, beautiful, but different. And what I loved about her character then, and even more so now, is that she was very sure of herself.
"Sure of what she wanted in life and okay to sacrifice her moments right now, to get what she knew she deserved later. And that is me. I'm not an instant gratification kind of a person. I am a long game. I'm not a sprinter, I'm a marathon.
America first fell in love with Eva when she graced our screens on cycle 3 of America’s Next Top Model in 2004, which she emerged as the winner. Since then, she's ventured into different avenues, from acting on various TV series like House of Payne to starring on Real Housewives of Atlanta.
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Eva praises her castmates and the play’s producer, Je’Caryous for her positive experience. “You know what? Je’Caryous fuels my audacity car daily, ‘cause I consider myself an extremely audacious woman, and I believe in what I know, even if no one else knows it, because God gave it to me. So I know what I know. That is who Je’Caryous is.”
But the mom of three isn’t the only one in the family who enjoys acting. Eva reveals her daughter Marley has also caught the acting bug.
“It is the most adorable thing you can ever see. She’s got a part in her school play. She's in her chorus, and she loves it,” she says. “I don't know if she loves it, because it's like, mommy does it, so maybe I should do it, but there is something about her.”
Overall, Eva hopes that her contribution to the role and the play as a whole serves as motivation for others to reach for the stars.
“I want them to walk out with hope. I want them to re-vision their dreams. Whatever they were. Whatever they are. To re-see them and then have that thing inside of them say, ‘You know what? I'm going to do that. Whatever dream you put on the back burner, go pick it up.
"Whatever dream you've accomplished, make a new dream, but continue to reach for the stars. Continue to reach for what is beyond what people say we can do, especially as [a] Black collective but especially as Black women. When it comes to us and who we are and what we accept and what we're worth, it's not about having seen it before. It's about knowing that I deserve it.”
This interview has been edited for length and clarity.
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Thinking about them kinda-sorta inspired this piece because they caused me to reflect on the times when some of my clients have come to me, semi-freaking out, and it was because their thoughts about someone had gone beyond “Hey, she’s pretty” or “Hey, he looks good.” Instead, they were starting to fantasize about certain folks, and they weren’t sure what to do about it, especially when some of those fantasies were transpiring while they were engaging in sex with someone else.
You know, it’s been reported that somewhere around 50 percent of people do indeed have fantasies about other people while having sex with another person. And that is definitely a high enough number to tackle some things about the topic here.
If you’re someone who fantasizes about other individuals, especially sexually, here’s some intel into why that could be the case, along with when it gets to the point and place where you might want to consider actually doing something about it.
What’s a Fantasy and What Exactly Causes Them?
GiphyWhenever you think of the word “fantasy,” what immediately comes to your mind?
Personally, what I find to be interesting is the fact that the dictionary says that there are actually a lot of things that can be considered a fantasy: your imagination, hallucinations, visions, ingenious inventions, illusions — I mean, there is even a genre of fiction that falls into the fantasy category. However, when it comes to what we’re going to discuss today, a psychological term for fantasy is “an imagined or conjured up sequence fulfilling a psychological need; daydream.”
And yes, before we get to the end of all of this, that definition is going to answer quite a few questions as it pertains to the topic of this particular piece. But first, more about the origin story of fantasies.
Apparently famed neurologist, Sigmund Freud spent some time analyzing fantasies and came to the conclusion that, more than anything else, a fantasy represents something that is either a suppressed urge or desire and when you stop to think about what you imagine, what your visions are, what you may long to invent — that certainly tracks. However, something that you should also keep in mind about fantasies is that, oftentimes, they are rooted in few boundaries and can even go well beyond what is considered to be reality (which is something that is based on facts and truth).
Oh, something else that needs to be kept in mind about fantasies is that they are typically relied on as a mental form of escape from something or someone (bookmark that).
And now that fantasies are more clearly defined, if your immediate question is, “Is it wrong to fantasize?” — no, I certainly don’t think that. What I do believe, based on what a fantasy is, though, is if you are fantasizing a lot about a particular person, place, thing or idea, it would be a good idea to ponder why that is the case — why is that a suppressed desire for you, why are you using that as a mental escape and perhaps, the most important question of all, does your fantasy come with any limits?
Now let’s build on top of this…
Now What Causes Folks to Fantasize About Other People?
GiphyAs I was doing more research on the topic of fantasies, I came across an article entitled, “What Happens In Our Brains When We Fantasize About Someone.” The author of it started the piece out by talking about a cool connection that she made with someone on a plane, only for her to find herself fantasizing about him once they parted ways. As she went deeper into her story, she mentioned a word that definitely needs to be shared here: heuristics.
If you’re not familiar with it, heuristics is simply a mental shortcut. For instance, if you find yourself needing to make a quick decision (check out “Before You Make A Life-Altering Decision, Read This.”), you may rely on heuristics to do it (even if it’s subconsciously). The challenge with that is oftentimes heuristics will only provide you with a limited amount of data and information, and relying only on that could cause you to not make the best choice, if you’re not careful. And boy, when heuristics jump into your fantasy space — well, something that immediately comes to my mind is celebrity culture.
Ain’t it wild how people will be on social media, speaking so confidently, about someone—or someone’s relationship—as if they personally know them (when they absolutely don’t)? I mean, just because someone is attractive or you’ve seen them carry themselves well in an interview or two, that doesn’t automatically mean that they are the ideal person or that they are someone to set your own dating standards by. If you’re not careful, though, heuristics and fantasies may encourage you to think otherwise.
That’s because the combo will try and get your brain to jump to all sorts of conclusions and, if you don’t keep that in check, it could result in you making premature, counterproductive, or even straight-up reckless decisions — because remember, a fantasy tends to be about suppressing an urge or desire.
Honestly, whether you are in a relationship or not, if you are fantasizing about a particular individual, understanding why you are doing that should definitely be explored.
However, if you are with someone and you’re fantasizing about someone else, you really shouldn’t ignore what is transpiring because, although by definition, there’s a good chance that whatever and whomever you are fantasizing about will never come to pass, the fact that it’s taking up some of your mental and emotional space, that needs to be acknowledged. Because if there is something that you want or need, and you seem to believe that your fantasies are better at supplying that for you than the reality of your relationship, why is that?
Let’s keep going…
What Does (or Could) It Mean If You Fantasize About Someone Else During Sex?
GiphyIt’s pretty common that a random song will come to mind whenever I’m writing an article. Today? It was Guy’s “My Fantasy.” Then a sitcom did — King of Queens, and the episode when Doug and Carrie were talking about his sexual fantasies. The song is about images that the fellas randomly have about beautiful women. The episode was about Carrie wanting to dictate to Doug what and whom he could fantasize about because some of his sexual fantasies made her feel uncomfortable or intimidated.
And both of these are a pretty solid intro into whether there is something wrong with sexually fantasizing about someone, especially while having sex with someone else. Well, before getting into all of that, I think another article that I read on the topic brings up a pretty good point — that it’s important to think about where your fantasies are coming from: your imagination, things you see on social media, porn that you may have watched, people who you actually know…and if it’s the latter, is it someone from your past or someone from your present?
Yeah, knowing the source of your fantasies can definitely help you to understand how “deep” into your fantasies you might be.
What I mean by that is, seeing a beautiful man one time and randomly thinking about what it would be like to have sex with him on some beach vacation is quite different than constantly thinking about your ex, the sex you used to have with him and then fantasizing about it For one thing, the beautiful guy, you will probably never have access to. That ex, though? Well, at the very least, that is a bit more realistic, right?
Then there’s the fact that, again, a fantasy is a suppressed urge or desire. When it comes to the beautiful man, is it his looks that you long for, or is it something deeper? And that ex of yours? Lawd, now why, when you have your own man in your own bed, is your ex “scratching some sort of itch”? Because we all know what they say — “he’s your ex for a reason,” so why is he creeping up into your intimacy space now that the relationship is over? Is something unresolved?
Are there sexual needs that he met that your current partner isn’t (check out “You Love Him. You Prefer Sex With Your Ex. What Should You Do?”)? Is something currently transpiring in your current relationship that you are using fantasies about your ex to escape from?
You see, although when it comes to the topic of fantasizing about others when you’re having sex with someone else might seem like the a cut-and-dried, “Don’t do it, end of discussion” — as someone who works with couples for a living, I think the bigger concern isn’t if another guy comes into your mind during sex with your partner…it’s more about WHY is that happening to begin with. Because if you need to escape from where you are, if you can’t be present with your partner, something is definitely up.
When Should You Be Concerned About the Fantasies You Are Having?
GiphyDuring the last several months of breaking up (because we all know that sometimes breaking up is a process) with the last boyfriend whom I will have in this lifetime, I recall fantasizing about other people while having sex with him. It’s because I really wasn’t attracted to or interested in him, sexually, anymore — but I was a bit fearful of what it would mean to let the entire relationship go.
And boy, is that a huge red flag because I wasn’t fantasizing about some random famous person one time during sex — I was relying on images, my imagination, and previous experiences with other people to literally get me through the act. NOT. GOOD.
Y’all, one of the greatest and most profound forms of communication and connection between two people is sexual intimacy, and so, when it transpires, it really should only be about the two of them. That said, should you freak out over a thought about someone who creeps up into your mind every once in a while? Chile, more people have that happen than they will ever admit out loud.
On the other hand, should you worry if you’re like I was? I’ll put it this way — you should definitely be concerned because the last thing that you should be feeling during sex with someone is like you are suppressing what you need and/or that you want to escape from the moments that you are experiencing with them.
And yet, if that is indeed the case, though, what should you do?
Start with doing some sex journaling. Write down your fantasies, the sources of them, and why you are leaning on them in this season (check out “The Art Of Sex Journaling (And Why You Should Do It)”). If they are tied to unrealistic situations, be real with yourself about that. If they are rooted in potential possibilities, do some journaling about how much you are “feeding into” that reality and what you think would be the wisest way to move forward, both for your sake as well as your relationship.
Talk to your partner. Each relationship is different, and so, while I’m not going to recommend that everyone just blurt out that they’ve been thinking about having sex with their co-worker or college sweetheart while having sex with their partner, I do think that the suppressed urges and desires (in general) should be mentioned. Sometimes, fantasies are birthed out of boredom (check out “If You're Not Having Great Sex, This Is (Probably) Why” and “Common Sex Problems Couples Have (& How To Fix 'Em)”) and doing something like creating a sex bucket list (check out “This Is How To Create The Best Kind Of ‘Sex Bucket List’”) can breathe new life into your bedroom.
Plus, sharing some of your deepest thoughts, feelings, and needs (in a kind, thoughtful, and mature way) can cultivate more emotional intimacy with your partner, and that can definitely be a good thing.
Consider seeing a sex therapist. If, after doing both of these things, the fantasies seem to be getting stronger and louder, you might need to make an appointment with a reputable sex therapist (check out “Have You Ever Wondered If You Should See A Sex Therapist?”). They may be able to help you to “connect some dots” about what’s going on that you wouldn’t have considered without their help, because sex therapists are trained in helping individuals sort out the mental and emotional sides of intimacy, not just the physical ones.
____
Are fantasies bad? They aren’t. However, when it comes to sexual ones, a quote by Benjamin Franklin absolutely comes to mind: “If passion drives you, let reason hold the reins.”
And that, right there, should be a guiding message for how you should process the fantasies that you do have.
Amen? Sho’ you right.
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