I make it no secret that when couples come to me for premarital counseling, I will apply the pressure, almost like I’m trying to break them up (if you are recently engaged, please go to premarital counseling or, at the very least, check out “276 questions to ask before marriage (or regret it later)”).
It’s not because I’m a hater (marriage is a beautiful thing and when done right, I am its biggest fan!); it’s that I have seen far too many people go into a marital union, having no clue what it’s real purpose is and/or how to know if their partner is truly the best complement for them — and then Elmo shrug it off like divorce is nothing more than a break-up between two people who were seriously dating each other.
Marriage is a covenant. Marriage is a business contract. Marriage is absolutely nothing to play with. And that’s why I actually have all of the respect in the world for those who have the courage to say, via their actions, that even if they got to the point of engagement (or shoot, even the night before the nuptials), if they see red flags — whether with their partner, the dynamic or within themselves — that they will pump the breaks. Because like I say, “It is far better to break up than to go through a divorce.” (Just ask any divorced person.)
So, let’s hear from some brave women who respected marriage enough to not play with it.
*Middle names are used here*
1. Sarai. 34. Ended a 10-Month Engagement Two Years Ago.
Giphy“I already know that women are waiting on me to rant about all of the things that he did wrong but actually, it was on me. At the time, I was trippin’ because so many of my friends were jumping the broom. So, I gave him an ultimatum after two years of dating that if he didn’t propose, I was going to end the relationship. Shellie, you know how you always say that ultimatums are threats? I used to not get that — oh, but I do now.
"If you’ve got to pressure a man to marry you, something isn’t right. I was miserable because I kept wondering if he really wanted to marry me and he was miserable because I went from pressuring him to get engaged to pressuring him to set a wedding date. I finally ended it so that we both could have peace. We didn’t speak for a year. We’re kind of rebuilding now. We’ll see.”
2. Raquel. 28. Ended a Five-Year Engagement One Year Ago.
“IT. DOES. NOT. TAKE. FIVE. YEARS. TO. GET. MARRIED. Let’s start there. I’ve read that if you wait longer than a couple of years to do it, you really don’t want to and there’s some truth to that. After some therapy and arguing with people like you [she means me, Shellie], I get that I think I just wanted the security of knowing that he wanted to marry me…someday. But after about 14 months of putting it off, I got a promotion that took priority and then he decided to totally switch career paths. And when an opportunity came up for him to relocate, he did and we tried the long-distance thing.
"Before we knew it, it was five years later and we were no closer to getting married than before. So, we ended it. Yes, it was mutual. No, there are no hard feelings. And next time, if I say ‘yes’ to someone, I’m gonna be his wife in under 12 months. Otherwise, what’s the point?”
3. Sophya. 29. Ended a Two-Year Engagement Five Months Ago.
“I’m selfish and he’s got too much growing up to do. We’ll both own it even if you ask him. I’m selfish because I honestly don’t care as much as I should about what he needs to be happy in a marriage. I mean, I’ll do what I feel like doing but I’m kind of inflexible beyond that. Always have been, I just think that there haven’t been enough consequences for my mindset…yet.
"He needs to grow, not because he’s immature but because there are a lot of things that he wants to do that I don’t want to compromise on — and I don’t think any woman does. Things that will cause finances to be inconsistent and affect his time at home to where a woman would have to make a lot of sacrifices."
"We ended on good terms. Maybe I’ll become more flexible and he’ll become more stable. For right now, we just want what’s best for each other and it’s not us.”
4. Wanda. 46. Ended a One-Month Engagement Almost Two Months Ago.
Giphy“I’m not sure what other stories you’ve heard but this might be the wildest one. I love my ex-fiancé. We’re actually still together. A lot of times, when people talk about ending an engagement, people break up but I’ve been married twice before and he’s been married once. He proposed on Christmas Eve in front of our friends and family because he thought that marriage is what I wanted.
"After two [of them], I’m not so sure and I didn’t want to give him or our families the impression that I was. So, I gave him the ring back, we agreed to take some steps back and…who knows? I don’t need the hoopla this time. I’m happy with the way things are and he honestly is too. Sometimes happy is enough.”
5. Averie. 30. Ended a 10-Year Engagement One Year Ago.
“Before women talk about how crazy it is to be engaged for 10 years, remember that I’m just now 30 which means we got engaged when I was 20 — actually 19. It was a real proposal although it started off with a promise ring and then a tiny engagement ring when I finished college and a bigger one at 26. We were long-distance and wanted to get our careers off of the ground before I relocated. Once I did, it was during the pandemic which forced us to get to know each other in a way that we never really had before.
"I get why so many divorces happened [during that time] because folks think they are in an intimate relationship but if you’re only having dinner together and watching an hour of TV before going to bed, you don’t really know each other at all. We love what we knew. We just didn’t know…enough.”
6. Ursula. 28. Ended a Five-Month Engagement Seven Years Ago.
“He cheated. Am I the only one with this story? He cheated with an ex. An ex who he told me he was over. I found out because she actually came to our engagement party and I saw them arguing outside. No, he didn’t invite her. She found out about it on social media and invited herself. But the fact that he was arguing with her instead of celebrating with me meant that I knew something was up.
"He admitted to sleeping with her right before proposing to me. He called it ‘getting closure,’ so even though I don’t give AF about her feelings, I get what she was so mad about. Anyway, needing to get someone out of your system right before asking for my hand means she’s still in your system. Good luck…but not really.”
7. Malynda. 31. Ended a One-Year Engagement Six Months Ago.
Giphy“Social media is a strange place, sis. I loved my ex-fiancé but there was always a part of me [that] felt like I would be settling if I went through with marrying him. Not because he wasn’t cute enough. Not because he wasn’t a good provider. Not because I don’t think we could’ve had a good life together. It’s just that there was someone in my past who I knew I would drop everything for in a heartbeat. So, when he hit me up to say that he was back in the country and wanted to give us another try — yep…guess what I did?
"People can say what they want but I’m happier than I’ve ever been and we’ve been discussing getting married around the end of the year.”
8. Shannon. 24. Ended a One-Year Engagement Two Weeks Ago.
“Anyone who plans on getting married should go to premarital counseling first. The break-up is still really fresh, so I don’t want to get too much into the details. I’ll just say that even though my fiancé and I passed [counseling sessions], when we thought about what it takes to not just say ‘unto death parts us’ but mean it, along with the biblical ramifications of not taking it seriously, we realized that we’re ready to love each other…just not commit for the long haul.”
Shellie here: Shannon gets all of my respect and never-ending applause for this. Also, as far as the Bible goes, Malachi 2:14-16, Matthew 19:1-12, and I Corinthians 7:10-11 are great places to start re: what Scripture says about marriage and divorce.
9. Toya. 40. Ended a Three-Year Engagement 18 Months Ago.
“I guess the best way to define us is we were the friends who said that if we weren’t married by 40, we’d marry each other. Yes, I said that at almost 37, and yes, we stayed engaged for three years. I guess the best way to explain it is we used that time to see if we were feelin’ each other beyond the strong friendship love that we had. Yes and no. We had sex and it was good. Our families always wanted us together. He felt like a safety net.
"But I don’t want ‘safe’ love. I want full love. Funny thing is, I attended his wedding four months ago and he’s overjoyed. I believe you should marry a friend but not just a friend. I know all of what I need now.”
10. Brea. 27. Ended a Six-Month Engagement Two Months Ago.
Giphy“My ring was fake. I don’t know what else to tell you. The rock was huge and I was hype. I went to get it appraised to prove to some of my what-I-thought-were-hater friends wrong because they didn’t get how a UPS guy could afford a ring with 2.5 carats. When I confronted him, he didn’t even try to hide it. He said that it didn’t make sense to spend all of that money on an engagement ring if we were saving up for a house. I don’t know if the lie or the ring pisses me off more. I just know that if he was never going to tell me that, he could be hiding other stuff. I’m good. Not really but I’m getting there.”
11. Xia. 32. Ended a Five-Year Engagement Four Years Ago.
“Now that I’m married to who I’m with, I’m so glad that it didn’t work out with my ex. I don’t want to put all of our business out in the street because it’s in the past but what I will say is if you’re taking more than a year to get down the aisle, there is something telling you to wait and you should listen."
"Every year that you put off means you’re not ready, even if it’s just with your finances. Being engaged means you’re ready to get married, so there’s no need to drag your feet.”
12. Imani. 40. Ended a Three-Year Engagement Three Years Ago.
“I always wanted to be married…but I wasn’t really sure why. And when the pastor asked me, I drew a blank. So, I pushed the wedding date back while my ex patiently waited and I still couldn’t come up with my ‘why.’ I think I just thought that being a wife and mom are things that women are supposed to do. Three years later, I don’t think I want to get married. I respect it too much to not take it seriously and being single out here has all kinds of benefits. I like weddings — just more as a guest. I feel peaceful in that place.”
_____
There you have it, y’all. Just like no marriage is a monolith neither are the reasons why engagements end. If you’re single, hopefully, this will give you a lot to think about. If you’re engaged and see yourself at all, hopefully, you’ll also find the courage to push pause. Because until you’re married, you are still your top priority. So, if marriage is not for you yet, for whatever the reason, be okay with choosing what is — starting with yourself. Full stop and no apologies.
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Featured image by Jelena Stanojkovic/Getty Images
- Taraji P. Henson Calls Off Her Engagement: ‘My Happiness Is Not His Responsibility' ›
- This Is Why I Have Mad Respect For People Who Break Off Their Engagements ›
- 8 Very Valid Reasons To Break Off Your Engagement ›
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As you’re thinking about all of what transpired over the past 12 months, here are some signs that certain things (or people) who are currently in your sphere may need to be significantly realigned or even, shoot…let go of. Ultimately, for your greater good.
1. Your Mind, Body and Spirit Aren’t in Agreement (About It)
GiphyI believe I’ve shared before that, back when I was writing my first book, although I adored my editing team overall, it was still a Christian-based one, and so there were a few things that we would clash on. Take the term “human trinity,” for example. They kept wanting me to say something else for fear that it would appear “blasphemous” to certain readers.
Meanwhile, I kept giving pushback because "trinity" is not an actual biblical word. It literally means a group of three or a triad and while that can apply to the Godhead (I John 5:8), nothing is wrong with applying it to other situations and dynamics too...and, to me, the mind, body and spirit of a person equates to what I call their “human trinity” — and something that I oftentimes tell my clients is, “If your mind, body and spirit” are not all in agreement about something (or someone), take heed to that; at the very least, it’s an orange flag, if not a flat-out red one.
So with that said, think about what you have going on in your life right now — if you’re not in a state of complete and total peace concerning everything, is it your mind that feels that way? Is it your body that seems a bit stressed? Is it your spirit that has you unsettled?
Always remember that your being — your mind, body, as well as your spirit — was created to work in harmony, and so, if that isn’t happening about a particular person, place, thing, or idea…you really should pause, ponder, and reflect before making any major moves. Oh, and if two parts of your trinity are struggling, 8/10, that is a sign that you definitely pump the brakes. At least until you figure out why.
2. It’s Spiritually Compromising You
GiphyI’m pretty sure that a lot of you have heard the quote, “You don't have a soul, you are a soul; you have a body,” before. If you thought that the writer C.S. Lewis authored it, many people do. Actually, it comes from a man whom he admired by the name of George MacDonald, and yes, it is quite profound when you stop to think about your spirit is the divine part of your being; yes, many consider it to also be your soul (check out “I’ve Got Some Ways For You To Start Pampering Your Soul”).
Since the essence of who you are pretty much comes from the spiritual side of you (check out “What's The Difference Between Being 'Religious' And Being 'Spiritual', Anyway?”), it’s important that you are super intentional about nurturing and nourishing it; this includes keeping safeguards up in order to prevent anyone or anything from compromising you from giving your spirit exactly what it needs to thrive and flourish.
For some of you, you know this means letting go of your partner. For some of you, a toxic friend. For others, it’s really time to find a new career path, shift churches (LISTEN), to move to another location (even if that’s another state or country) or to totally reroute your daily routine — and you know this to be true because your spirit is currently feeling drained and/or bitter and/or resentful and/or confused and/or like you are losing a part of who you are just to keep “it” around.
Sis, it’s not worth it. Compromising yourself at the expense of it costing yourself never EVER is. If what I just said hit really close to home, you’ve still got a few hours to leave it all behind in time for a brand and spanking new year. It might not be easy yet do it anyway. Your spirit deserves it.
3. You’ve “Hit a/the Ceiling”
GiphyI ain’t got no lies to tell you — between the orange one in the White House and his uber-maniac ways and AI sinking its teeth deeper and deeper into so many different industries, I definitely think that 2026 is going to be a roller coaster ride for many people as far as the job market is concerned. So, while I am ABSOLUTELY NOT recommending that you flippantly, emotionally, or impulsively quit your job any time soon, I do think that you should ask yourself if you’ve “hit the ceiling” where you are, so that you can possibly plan to look for employment elsewhere or even pivot into something else entirely.
And what are some signs that you have indeed knocked your head up against said ceiling?
- You are bored as hell (or worse, miserable AF) at work
- There is no room for promotion
- Your boss couldn’t care less about your goals or ambitions
- You feel undervalued
- Your skills are underutilized
- There seems to be little to no improvement or progress within the company
- You haven’t received a raise in years
- You procrastinate because you don’t feel motivated or inspired
The fact that most of us spend the majority of our waking hours working, it makes not one bit of sense to be collecting a check at a place that is stressing you out, messing with your psyche and/or is causing you to feel like there’s not much more that life has to offer than, as they say, “paying bills and dying.” If that is what life is like for you right now, although you might not be able to quit this month, it is definitely time to put an exit strategy into place. You know, some say that a whopping 85 percent of people hate their job.
If you are one of them, let’s strive to have that no longer be the case in 2026.
4. There Is Little-to-No Reciprocity
GiphyI’m not a fan of transactional dating (check out “Guess What? Dating Was Never Supposed To Be Transactional.” and “Should You Start Off As Friends? Science Says Absolutely.”); anyone who knows me will tell you that. And when guys talk to me about how drained they feel by a woman who seems to only take and not give (for instance, someone just talked to me about how his girlfriend of three years gave him a $20 gift card; meanwhile, he purchased her seven different presents…and she actually makes more money than he does — SMDH), I will oftentimes say, “If there’s no reciprocity, she is a liability.” And I mean it with everything in me.
This goes beyond romantic situations too. Take a friend of mine who, when I tell you that, when it comes to painful situations, she absolutely sucks at being a good support system. I know this because, for the past few weeks, I’ve been telling her that she has a pattern of not showing up in hurtful times and that my patience is wearing thin because I am just the opposite.
She shared with me that she realizes that she doesn’t show up for herself in her own painful moments, and so when something really uncomfortable, trying, or taxing happens to someone else, she tends to retreat instead of reaching out.
In other ways, she’s solid, and so we are working through the matter — but I’ll tell you this: At this point in my life, when I share where I need reciprocit,y and folks don’t want to give it, I have no problem shifting how I prioritize them in my world. Because it makes no sense to call someone “friend” (or partner) and you’re doing most of the work to make that word…relevant.
Bottom line with this one is, if you’re not getting what you need from your relationships — ANY KIND OF RELATIONSHIP — it just might be time to leave certain people behind…now (check out “Why I Don't 'Cut People Off' Anymore, I Release Them Instead”)…so that you have room for who will be willing to show you what reciprocity in relationships looks and feels like.
5. You Feel “Stuck” in “It”
GiphyWhen it comes to the word “stuck,” the definition that I’m coming from here is “to become fastened, hindered, checked, or stationary by some obstruction” — and for the sake of time and space, what I want to amplify is the word “hinder.” One definition of hinder is “to cause delay, interruption, or difficulty in; hamper; impede,” while another is “to prevent from doing, acting, or happening; stop.”
Believe it or not, as a marriage life coach, there are actually clients who I have fired — and the reason was that they were wasting my time. Listen, when you get to the point in your life where you get that there is less time in front of you than behind you, you can’t really put a price tag on your precious moments, so when clients don’t do their homework and/or choose to remain in ridiculous situations (for years at a time) and/or really just want to be coddled instead of getting the tips and tools that they need to make wise decisions on their own — they cause me to feel “stuck” because they aren’t challenging me to be a better coach.
Progress in a client is what makes me better…and so, what I will typically do is put these types of people on probation for about 4-6 months and then release them if they remain in their hamster wheel of cyclic activity (after over a year of working with them).
This is an example of what “stuck” looks and feels like in my life; however, you need to figure out if and how that word may apply to your own. What I can tell you is anything that you know is interrupting or preventing you from doing what you know needs to happen in your world, whether it’s a person, place, thing or idea, you really need to ask yourself if it’s worth holding on to — and if you believe that it is, you definitely should realign your boundaries concerning it or then. Because again, life is too short (and precious) to be “stuck” in something that really isn’t serving you (or serving you any longer).
6. Your Present and Future Seem Super Foggy with It Around
GiphyWhat does this mean? Well, fogginess speaks to things being unclear, right? When it comes to your present, a lack of clarity can speak to feeling/being confused and confusion means that something is going on that either doesn’t make sense to us or is sending us all kinds of mixed messages and signals — and when you continue to dwell in that kind of space, there’s a pretty good chance that your future will be just as…foggy. Just as unclear. Just as confusing.
I’ll explain. Have you ever tried to drive in the fog? You typically can’t see very far ahead, which means that you kind of have to drag along in your car and, even with headlights, sometimes something can run out in front of you, catch you off guard and that can either make your nerves bad or cause you to wreck. Along these same lines, a “foggy situation” can do the same thing — you’ll be out here barely getting anything done because you’re so busy trying to figure out what the hell is going on with it or them…and that usually will cause a domino effect in other areas of your life too.
Sis, it’s not worth it. If you don’t get what’s going on in some area of your world, you’re missing information, you are being gaslit, and/or you are in denial about what is transpiring right before your very eyes. For all of this, purpose to get the answers (clarity) that you seek or leave it behind you.
As an author by the name of Shannon L. Alder once said, “The most confused you will ever get is when you try to convince your heart and spirit of something your mind knows is a lie.” Somebody REALLY needed to hear that today. I hope that you did.
Just in time for another year, and the things that you can feel really good and CRYSTAL CLEAR about.
Welcome to 2026, my dear.
Featured image by Shutterstock
