Why We Get Dating Icks & When To Pay Attention To Them

What Exactly Is a Dating Ick?

Guice defines an ick as "becoming completely turned off in the early stages of dating due to an action, characteristic, or physical attribute of a person." What might not have previously been a dealbreaker for you suddenly makes you question being in the relationship or connection. That's how turned off you are. That's an ick.

But where do these icks come from? According to Guice, they usually stem from one of three places. "First, as humans, we all have likes and dislikes—some things simply don’t appeal to us. Second, our past experiences can cause us to be immediately turned off by something that reminds us of a negative encounter. Lastly, some people are emotionally avoidant and use 'icks' as a way to avoid genuine connection with others."

Should You End Things Over an Ick?

This is where things with icks get tricky. Not all icks carry the same weight. At least, they shouldn't. Guice believes icks can be categorized as "shallow icks" and "character icks" and it's important to separate the two.

• Shallow Icks are usually about personal preference: someone's height, clothing choices, how they eat, or even the way they text. They might be annoying, but they don’t necessarily mean someone is a bad partner.
• Character Icks reveal deeper incompatibilities, like a lack of emotional awareness, disrespect toward others, or poor communication skills.

"If you're considering ending a relationship over something superficial, it might be time to reevaluate your criteria for choosing a partner," Guice explains. "But if the ick is character-based—like being rude to waitstaff or never asking about your day—it’s worth reconsidering if this is someone you want in your life long-term."

She adds, "Dating icks can signal potential red flags that should be examined internally first to determine if they're serious enough to warrant ending the relationship. If you realize that an ick is indeed a red flag, it should be addressed with the person, or, if it's still early in the dating phase, you might choose to end it."

Common Dating Icks

Guice has worked with her fair share of clients who have also experienced the ick in dating. Some of the most common ones?

Shallow Icks:

• "He's too short"
• "I hate how he talks"
• "His mannerisms are feminine"
• "I don't like how he dresses"
• "He doesn't like going to fancy restaurants"

Character Icks:

• "He only talks about himself"
• "He never asks about my day or life"
• "He doesn't take the initiative to spend time with me"
• "He is rude to strangers"
• "He talks badly about his ex"
• "He brought up sex on the first date"
• "He is too touchy-feely"

Something to note: If your ick falls into the character category, it might be a sign to pay closer attention. If it’s just about personal preference, there’s a chance you could move past it.

How to Navigate an Ick When You Like Someone

Okay, okay, let's say you like someone, but the ick is steadily creeping in. "It’s all about understanding your dealbreakers, offering grace, and practicing good communication," Guice offers as a solution to navigating the ick. She suggests a simple three-step approach before deciding to walk away:

1. Ask yourself: Is this a dealbreaker? "A dealbreaker is something you can’t live with in a relationship," Guice defines. "For example, if your love language is quality time, a dealbreaker might be someone who is too busy for you." If your ick is not a dealbreaker, move to step two.
2. Bring it up (if appropriate). If it's a shallow ick (like bad texting habits or being a little too glued to their phone), try talking about it. "Let them know how it made you feel and see if they’re willing to address it. If they aren’t, they may not be a good fit. If they are, proceed to step three," Guice advises.
3. Give them grace if they’re trying to improve. "This means being patient, not getting upset if they slip up, and acknowledging their efforts when you see them trying."

Do Icks Happen More When Dating Outside Your Type?

According to Guice, the short answer is yes. "I believe dating icks happen the most when someone is attempting to date outside of their type because it’s uncomfortable," Guice says. "Change brings discomfort, and when you’re trying something new, your brain might create reasons to run back to what’s familiar—even if it hasn’t worked in the past."

So, if you’re dating outside your usual type and suddenly find yourself nitpicking, it’s worth pausing to ask:

Is this really an ick, or am I just uncomfortable because this is new?

At the same time, just because someone is different from what you're used to doesn’t mean they’re the right person for you. In this instance, Guice suggests following the same three-step process we described previously, assessing whether the ick is a dealbreaker, communicating about it, and offering grace, before making a final decision.

Dating icks are real, but they aren’t always dealbreakers. Some icks are just preferences, while others are warning signs that shouldn't be ignored. The key is knowing the difference.

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