"Chemistry is showing affection; a connection is developing an attachment."— Debbie Pfisterer
Aight. So, if you're someone who skims articles in order to get the overall gist, the quote that you just read pretty much sums up what I'm about to share. For the most part, if you want to know the difference between having chemistry with someone vs. knowing that there is a surefire connection, chemistry is what starts a bond while compatibility is what establishes it and keeps it going.
Well, if that basically explains everything, why do I feel it's necessary to go even deeper? Mostly it's because, it's been my experience and observation that, a lot of us have been so used to defining how deep and real our feelings are for someone by our initial attraction to them that we don't even recognize that we should scratch beneath the surface; that there is so much more that comes with being into someone than attraction, lust or even being sexually in sync.
The Key Differences Between Chemistry and Compatibility
Believe me, I'm sharing this thanks to hindsight wisdom. Hmph. I don't know about you, but back in the day, there were some men that I had some pretty amazing chemistry with who you couldn't pay me to stand behind them in a grocery store line, let alone entertain connecting with them now. I'd venture to say that I would've never slept with them at all if I had known the real difference between chemistry and compatibility at the time. But when you know better, you do better. And that is why, these days, I find chemistry to be the icing on a "relationship cake," but compatibility is what matters most of all.
What Is Chemistry in a Relationship?
Chemistry: the interaction of one personality with another; sympathetic understanding; rapport; any or all of the elements that make up something
A while back, I penned a piece on here entitled "My Eureka Moment For Why I'm Not Into 'Nice Guys'". While my interaction with a few different men brought me to that particular a-ha moment, in the context of this piece, there's one guy, in particular, who immediately comes to mind. Have you ever known a man who you wish that you were into? He's a wonderful human being, he's totally into you and, to a certain degree, you like him. But still, something is…off. Something just doesn't seem to click. That's how I felt about a guy—I'll call him Robert.
Robert was one of the men in my life who would give me the world; I know that because he told me so. Many times over. But whenever people who knew how he felt about me would say that I was turning him down because "I didn't know what's good for me", my response would be, "I'd marry Robert tomorrow if I never had to sleep with him. Like, ever." It wasn't even that Robert isn't a handsome guy. It's just…he's not my type and there wasn't any chemistry. From the very first time that I met him, there were no sparks, my heart didn't jump and I didn't wonder what it would be like to kiss him, or anything else for that matter. He was cool, but I didn't feel any real rapport. And so, even though he had a crush for many years, all I have ever seen him as is a friend. No matter how much I tried, that never has and never will change. Why is that?
There's a Harvard study on lust, attraction, and companionship that says, the reason why some of the people immediately get "friend zoned" by us is that, when there is an attraction to someone, the natural sex hormones estrogen and testosterone tend to kick in. Then, if we engage that individual, dopamine, serotonin, and oxytocin increases within us as well. All of this is a part of the reason why we see certain people and giggle, blush, and/or fantasize. When that doesn't transpire, while an attachment can still happen, it's more like one that we would have with our family, not a significant other. Still, chemistry is about more than mere lust. It's also about being drawn to another individual as they are being drawn to you.
So, what are the indications that you actually do have strong chemistry with another person? Aside from physical attraction, chemistry is about how you and someone else interact with one another—you tend to banter well with each other; you have a lot of "You too?" moments; you share similar values; you also have similar senses of humor—all in all, you "get" each other in a way that you both feel and others can clearly sense.
If I were to bring in an analogy, it's like, if I were to make some chocolate chip cookies, chemistry would be the mixing of all the right ingredients. In theory, thanks to chemistry, a great "love cookie" should come from it. But there are some things that compatibility offers that not enough chemistry in the world can provide—mainly maturity, responsibility, intent, and time.
What Is Compatibility in a Relationship?
Compatibility: capable of existing or living together in harmony; able to exist together with something else; consistent; congruous
Harmony. Existing together. Consistency. I was just watching a rerun of A Different World a couple of days ago. It was the episode where Whitley recently started seeing senatorial candidate Byron Douglas III, she wanted closure with Dwayne and so she called him over to her place. Then she ended up sleeping with him.
Even all these years later, there are debates about that Bermuda love triangle. While I'm personally glad that Dwayne and Whitley finally got their stuff together (because, for one thing, if you have to convince yourself to be with someone, like Whitley attempted to do with Byron, they are not the one), we've even had articles on the site where writers have voiced other perspectives (see "Dwayne & Whitley Were Never Relationship Goals"). Shoot, I even find it hilarious how one writer penned a piece, a decade ago, inquiring if Dwayne and Whitley are even legally married (because, if you recall, Dwayne crashed Whitley's wedding to Byron so, clearly they had no marriage license…hmm).
OK, but I'm getting a bit off track here. The reason why I'm even bringing them up is because, in the episode that I just referred to, after sex, Dwayne said (paraphrasing), "Come on, Whitley. We never had problems in the bedroom. It's the other rooms that we couldn't seem to handle." That—that right there? That is the difference between chemistry and compatibility.
Not knowing or accepting this fact is what tends to get a lot of us into trouble. We think that just because we've got chemistry with someone that it automatically means we're compatible with them. But the raw truth of the matter is that's simply not the case; not even close. If you are not co-existing in a state of harmony and—please don't underestimate—consistency, there can be all of the chemistry in the world but compatibility is severely lacking.
When you're compatible with someone, things are stable, healthy, and balanced. You trust each other completely. You desire the same things in a relationship. Drama is at a minimum. Physical intimacy is not the sole driving force. You communicate and compromise well together. You enjoy being together, but you also know how to be apart. Loving one another is important but liking one another is pivotal too. You're headed in the same life direction. You both want a future with one another.
All in all, if chemistry is about the ingredients that go into a love cookie, compatibility would be like the stove that brings everything together. A stove heats things up to show what they are really made of. A stove takes time. A stove turns the ingredients of something into what we want the ingredients to ultimately become.
As I was reading another writer's take on chemistry vs. compatibility, I internally chuckled when he wrote, "Compatibility is a natural alignment of lifestyle choices and values between two people. A priest and a stripper have a major incompatibility and I doubt many end up dating each other. That's compatibility." In theory, he's right but the main bottom line is, before you decide to transition from chemistry to compatibility, you need to be honest with yourself and one another about if you can live in harmony with one another's lifestyle, values, and principles. If you can, you are probably compatible. If you can't, don't stress yourself out by trying to turn chemistry into compatibility. Make sense?
Bottom line—chemistry is important. If it wasn't, I'd be in a sexless marriage with Robert right about now. But don't make life-altering decisions based on chemistry alone. See where compatibility fits in. If it's lacking, please don't settle. If you've got both, after some premarital counseling, send me a wedding invite because when you've got both, you've got something truly special. An entire love cookie, if you will. Beautiful. Awesome. Delicious.
Feature image by Shutterstock
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Again, the answer never changes because, if there is one thing that Shellie Reneé Warren is gonna get, it’s 6-8 (sometimes nine) hours of sleep. However, since my chronotype (check out “Ever Wonder What Personality Traits Make Someone A 'Morning Person'?”) means that I like/prefer to write in the wee hours of the morning, sometimes I will sleep for the night for five hours and take a nap in the day. And y’all, that is just fine with me because I am well aware of the fact that napping does everything from give me more energy, heighten my alertness and even make me more creative to decrease stress levels, strengthen immunity, and reduce my chances of experiencing a heart attack or stroke.
My problem is I will oftentimes go “overboard” with my daytime zzz’s. What I mean by that is, in order to get the most out of a nap, they say thatyou shouldn’t sleep for longer than 25 minutes or so; otherwise, you could wake up feeling sluggish (I don’t but…). Also, it can make resting, soundly, at night a bit of a struggle.
So, what are you saying, Shellie? We should get quickies in? Yeah. And it’s funny that the word “quickie” would come up because just like a sex quickie can do wonders for you (and it can — check out “12 Super Solid Reasons To Have A Quickie Every Single Day”), it’s a full-circle moment when I say that something that can improve the quality of your sex life is to have a power nap (a nap that lasts between 10-30 minutes).
Wanna know how the two things correlate? Honestly, it’s no secret that sleep and sex work together to optimize both (check out “6 Fascinating Ways Sex And Sleep Definitely Go Hand In Hand”). Today, though, we’re going to tap into how a nap, specifically, can have you partaking in some of the best sex that you’ve experienced in a minute. I’ll explain.
Naps Reduce Stress
GiphyIf you’re feeling super stressed out right now, you are not alone. There is plenty of data out here that says that most of us are stressed for at least a couple of reasons at a time — and that can impact your sexual health on a few levels. For one thing, it can bring about feelings of depression and/or anxiety. Stress can also throw your hormone levels off (including your cycle) which can weaken your libido. Stress can make you want to put distance between you and your partner (yes, literally).
Stress can also make it challenging to get aroused or to have an orgasm. And just what can help to decrease stress? Taking a nap. Since sleep has a way of helping you to “get off of the clock” and relax a bit, that can lower your stress levels and “reset” your body so that you are calmer — and that, in turn, can do wonders for your sex drive and ultimately your sex life.
Naps Improve Your Mood
GiphyThere is one person in my life, and fairly 80 percent of the time, she’s in a super good mood. Oh, but let that girl go without sleep, and…who is this woman? LOL. There’s research behind why this happens. When a person is sleep-deprived, it messes with their brain chemicals, and that can amplify emotions like anger, restlessness and sadness. In fact, one study revealed that people who had their sleep disrupted throughout the night, they ended up having their positive outlook on life reduced by about 30 percent.
And geeze, who wants to have sex when they’re not feeling very good? Anyway, since serotonin is a neurotransmitter that helps to regulate your moods, your sleep patterns, and your libido and sleep is what helps to keep it in balance — by taking a nap, not only can it help you to feel better, it can also increase your desire for sex (it can also build up your endurance which is also…sexually beneficial).
Naps Increase Your Focus and Concentration
GiphySomething that some of my clients bring up is how, when it comes to having sex, sometimes the flesh is willing while the spirit is weak because, although the desire for intimacy is there, so much is going on that they aren’t able to get still enough to focus on experiencing copulation with their partner. This also tracks because, when you don’t have enough rest, your brain finds itself not working in harmony and that can make it hard to do everything from approaching life with a sense of flexibility to making necessary decisions.
Certain data also reveal that a lack of rest can cause you to have a really poor attention span and not process things in context (the more you know). So, if you really want to get some yet it’s hard for you to focus long enough to make it happen, ask your bae to lie down with you and take a nap. Between the sleep and the snuggling (check out “Fall's Coming: 8 Wonderful Health Benefits Of Cuddling”) — you may wake up with your mind and body totally on the same page. #wink
Naps Can Make You Feel Better About Your Body
GiphyEven if, overall, you feel really good about your body, I think that we all have moments when we feel less attractive than others — and who wants to have sex when they don’t really feel…very sexy? Well, something else that sleep, in general, can do is increase your confidence in your body.
For one thing, if you want to lose a few pounds, sleep can actually make that happen by helping your body metabolize the glucose (sugar) that’s in it so that you can better manage your appetite. Other studies go on to share that since sleep deprivation can impact one’s mental health and emotional stability in a negative way, of course, getting enough rest would increase body positivity.
Shoot, science even goes so far as to say that insomnia can cause people to have an elevated level of dissatisfaction when it comes to their body image. Don’t take their word for it, though. Look in the mirror before a nap. Then look in a mirror after waking up from me. Do you feel better? I’d be surprised if you don’t.
Makes Your Brain Bigger…Which Could Make Your Orgasms Better
GiphyI saved the best for last by design. Now if you’re wondering how in the world a nap can improve (and possibly increase) your orgasms — oh, there is a method to the madness…trust. For starters, the saying that your biggest sex organ is your brain? That isn’t a myth. Long story less long, the brain is what houses your central nervous system and that is what controls how men and women sexually function (yes, literally).
And since the brain also releases feel-good chemicals like dopamine, serotonin, and oxytocin during sex and brain activity significantly increases in women during sexual activity (especially right before she orgasms) — well, would it trip you out to know that when you take a nap, your brain actually expands? A bigger brain (that’s healthy) can potentially intensify your sexual experiences (and your climaxes) — and who doesn’t want that to go down?
____
Like I said earlier, I never have to be convinced to get a nap in. However, if your sex life has been a bit stagnant lately, you’ve been feeling a little sluggish and you’re not sure what to do — I’m hoping that a nap can get you right.
There’s enough science to prove that it can. All you need to do is give it a shot.
Now where’s your pillow and sleep mask, chile?
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