Let me just say, before we deep dive into this particular topic, that I'm pretty sure that it's not going to go in the direction that a lot of you think that it's going to. In fact, the inspiration for this piece came from a series of conversations that I've had with a male friend of mine who is in one of the dumbest (meaning it's counterproductive, so not what he truly wants or needs and is proving to be a total waste of time, even as we speak) relationships ever. So, why is he in it? I would say about 70 percent of the reason is because he and his girlfriend have, what he calls, some really amazing sex. What brought me to this conclusion? It's because when he's complaining and I ask him why he stays, something about the sex almost always comes up. I mean, always.
Listen, I will be the first one in this class to say that you can easily confuse great sex with a solid relationship (check out "14 Lessons I've Learned From 14 Sex Partners," "Don't Mistake A Great Sex Partner For A Great Life Partner," and "What GROWN Women Consider Great Sex To Be"). I will also say that there comes a time in all of our lives when we have to learn what the difference is. And that's where the subject of sexual soulmates comes in. So, if you've ever wondered if such a term exists and/or if you've ever truly had one before, I'm gonna take a few moments to share a little food for thought.
First Up: Disney and Rom-Coms LIED to You
Before we get into the sex part, let's talk about soulmates first. Y'all, if there are two things that irk the entire mess outta me, it's when folks talk about following their heart (when the Bible says to do the exact opposite — Jeremiah 17:9-10) and when folks just toss "love" and "soulmate" around. Just because someone makes your heart and/or body feel good, that doesn't mean they are your soulmate. Not by a long shot. For one thing, a soulmate's purpose isn't really about giving you butterflies all of the time; that's simply what Disney and chick flicks want you to think. If you really want to take the "grown approach" to having a soulmate, they are someone who helps you to become a better version of yourself. And sometimes? Sometimes that is going to be uncomfortable. Sometimes, you're gonna be challenged like a mug. Sometimes, you're probably not going to like your soulmate very much. Doesn't matter though, because, unlike any other person, they are able to help you along your journey in some very powerful and incomparable ways.
Yeah. I already know. You've probably heard that a soulmate is like a mirror reflection of you; that you are so drawn to them because they are like another version of yourself. Eh. And why am I so firm that it's not this, in spite of how many Google links say otherwise? Because I've looked deeper into certain words that are connected to it. This brings me to my next point.
Are You Familiar with What a Bashert Is?
Something that I've been super fond of for many years now is Hebrew culture. The Scriptures were originally written in Hebrew. My name is Hebrew; it means "Mine; Belonging to Me" (meaning God) and it's such a rich culture (one that has gotten super whitewashed but that's another topic for another time). And so, the more I learn about it, the more enlightened I become. Take the Yiddish (interestingly enough, a language that was used by Jews in Europe before the Holocaust) word "bashert," for example. It means "soulmate" which translates into "destiny."
Because I work so much in the area of relationships, folks ask me often if I believe that we've all got one person who we're destined to be with. Personally, I do believe that there is a "one best" (who most people are too impatient or not tapped into the purpose of relationships enough to recognize/accept); however, realistically, you can probably be married to at least 100 other people on this planet and live a pretty good life (I venture to say that most marriages are an example of this). I also discern that it's important for people to remember that when you're picking a person, you're also picking a life path. And that's why the word "destiny" is so important because, it's not just about things being predestined for you; it's also about your fortune and one definition of fortune is "a power or force, often personalized, regarded as being responsible for human affairs." In other words, your bashert ultimately is a driving force who plays a role in how your daily life is lived. And y'all, that's a pretty big deal.
That's why I'm not a huge fan of the flippant attitude behind casual sex. For one thing, I know what "casual" means (check out "We Should Really Rethink The Term 'Casual Sex'"), and secondly, life is too short and too precious to be out here just giving our heart and parts to folks who can literally reroute our destined paths. So again, before getting into what a sexual soulmate is, first ponder what a bashert is. Then build upon that with this next point.
What Is the Purpose of a Soulmate?
Next up. Twin flames. While both it and bashert (and soulmate, really) can all get articles of their own, probably the short-long of this definition is it's when one soul (check out "I've Got Some Ways For You To Start Pampering Your Soul") is dwelling in two people. What I like about twin flames is they complement the responsible perspective of a soulmate pretty well because they are considered to be someone who challenges and heals you, almost at the same time.
What are some signs that you've encountered a twin flame? You complement each other well. You both want to see the other evolve. You both bring each other closer to fulfilling your lives' purpose (if you are caught up in someone who is hindering you from purpose fulfillment, that IS NOT a twin flame, sis). There is typically quite a bit of intensity (not drama, but intensity) between the two of you. Life seems to bring you back to each other, one way or another, kinda like a form of serendipity (not because you're forcing it to happen either; it's more like a series of coincidences). The connection feels very sacred; divine even. And, perhaps most importantly, twin flames help you to learn how to love yourself, usually better than anyone else has in your entire life.
When you let all of this really sink in, soulmates and twin flames are basically the opposite sides of the same coin. Romance isn't really the (ultimate) point of either one. Personal growth and progress, while being in a safe space…is. With this in mind, let's get into what a sexual soulmate is, shall we?
From a Holy Book Perspective, Your Sexual Soulmate Is Your Spouse
It's no secret that all three major holy books say that sex is for marriage. A part of the reason is because sex isn't just a profound pleasure; sex is a HUGE responsibility and when you're in a dynamic where someone has fully committed to you, you tend to feel more at ease to trust, to give your all, to thrive. At the same time, I also know that not all people subscribe to a religion (check out "7 Signs You're Spiritually Compatible With Someone"); still, I do think that it should go on record that if you factor in all of what I just said about soulmates, basherts, and twin flames if there is a common thread among them all, it's that a soulmate has a spiritual component and a profound effect on a person. And you know what? So does sex. Oxytocin alone speaks to that; that's why it's got the nickname, "the love hormone." Yep, just sleeping with someone can make you feel bonded by them because this natural hormone elevates in your system. So, just imagine how much more this intensifies when there is a mental, emotional, and spiritual connection there too.
That's why, I do believe that when you take in the purpose of a soulmate, bashert, and twin flame when it comes to who your sexual soulmate ultimately is, it's probably your spouse.
They might not be the best you've ever had (in bed). They might require some sexual adjusting to (check out "8 'Kinds Of Sex' All Married Couples Should Put Into Rotation"). Yet still, if it's all about bettering you as an individual, the person you share life with and (in most sexual agreements) only have sex with? How could they not, as time progresses, become your ultimate sexual soulmate? The two of you are becoming one and consistently participating in an act that makes that possible (check out "10 Wonderful Reasons Why Consistent Sex In Marriage Is So Important," "10 Simple Ways Married Couples Can Make More Time For Sex," "The 'Seasons Of Sex' That Married People Go Through," "8 Sex-Related Questions To Ask Your Spouse ASAP" and "What You Should Do If You Find Yourself In A Sexless Marriage")? So yeah, that's a huge part of the reason why I've come to this resolve.
From a Broader Perspective, a Sexual Soulmate Impacts Your Life — Even Outside of the Bedroom
So, what if you're not married, you're divorced or you have absolutely no intentions of ever jumping any broom? Does that mean you can't — or have never had — a sexual soulmate before? Remember how I said earlier that I do believe there is a best for you and then there are 100 others that you can build a solid life with? Again, the commitment that a spouse makes, both in and out of the bedroom to their partner, yes, qualifies them to be a soulmate of sorts, even sexually. However, I do also believe that there can be people who still reveal some really deep things to you about yourself, who you have a really strong connection with, who teaches you how to love yourself quite deeply, in a way that others cannot — and a part of it came from being sexually involved with them.
Because I'm not married (yet), I have yet to have the peak sexual soulmate experience. However, there is a guy from my past who — whew. While I was initially involved with him, I thought it was all about how in sync we were sexually (never get two Geminis in the same room, chile. It's something fierce!). Looking back, though, he came at a time when I had recently lost my fiancé, he listened, he affirmed, he helped me to see the situation and who I was becoming due to it in a way that no one else was quite capable of doing. And although he was (and continues to be) fine and some mo' fine, I get that the sex was so passionate and satisfying because I felt a connection deeper than just the physical act. And to this day, when I think back on my sex life, he is someone who I have very little regret. He is someone who I still think fondly of. He is someone who cultivates a lot of inner peace.
Yeah, that's something else to keep in mind about sexual soulmates. Let the media have its way and you'll think that if you and someone are tearing each other's clothes off one day and then acting out some version of a crazy Lifetime movie the next, for months or even years on end, the two of you must be sexual soulmates.
Chile, a soulmate — a true one — is a blessing and benefit NOT an addiction or obsession. Being a-dick-ted doesn't make someone your soulmate. However, if you know, that you know that you know, that you can directly associate what happens in the bedroom with how you're shifting, for the better, outside of it and you've never really quite been able to say that about anyone else before, you just might be onto something. Real talk.
This topic could be a series. I just wanted to make sure that in a world that wants to cheapen sex at every turn, that we all remember that the act can — and should — go so much deeper than the surface. A sexual soulmate can be a really beautiful thing…so long as you keep it in its proper perspective. Your body is precious, so please make sure that you do.
For more love and relationships, sex tips and tricks, and marriage advice, check out xoNecole's Sex & Love section here.
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