

Let me just say, before we deep dive into this particular topic, that I'm pretty sure that it's not going to go in the direction that a lot of you think that it's going to. In fact, the inspiration for this piece came from a series of conversations that I've had with a male friend of mine who is in one of the dumbest (meaning it's counterproductive, so not what he truly wants or needs and is proving to be a total waste of time, even as we speak) relationships ever. So, why is he in it? I would say about 70 percent of the reason is because he and his girlfriend have, what he calls, some really amazing sex. What brought me to this conclusion? It's because when he's complaining and I ask him why he stays, something about the sex almost always comes up. I mean, always.
Listen, I will be the first one in this class to say that you can easily confuse great sex with a solid relationship (check out "14 Lessons I've Learned From 14 Sex Partners," "Don't Mistake A Great Sex Partner For A Great Life Partner," and "What GROWN Women Consider Great Sex To Be"). I will also say that there comes a time in all of our lives when we have to learn what the difference is. And that's where the subject of sexual soulmates comes in. So, if you've ever wondered if such a term exists and/or if you've ever truly had one before, I'm gonna take a few moments to share a little food for thought.
First Up: Disney and Rom-Coms LIED to You
Before we get into the sex part, let's talk about soulmates first. Y'all, if there are two things that irk the entire mess outta me, it's when folks talk about following their heart (when the Bible says to do the exact opposite — Jeremiah 17:9-10) and when folks just toss "love" and "soulmate" around. Just because someone makes your heart and/or body feel good, that doesn't mean they are your soulmate. Not by a long shot. For one thing, a soulmate's purpose isn't really about giving you butterflies all of the time; that's simply what Disney and chick flicks want you to think. If you really want to take the "grown approach" to having a soulmate, they are someone who helps you to become a better version of yourself. And sometimes? Sometimes that is going to be uncomfortable. Sometimes, you're gonna be challenged like a mug. Sometimes, you're probably not going to like your soulmate very much. Doesn't matter though, because, unlike any other person, they are able to help you along your journey in some very powerful and incomparable ways.
Yeah. I already know. You've probably heard that a soulmate is like a mirror reflection of you; that you are so drawn to them because they are like another version of yourself. Eh. And why am I so firm that it's not this, in spite of how many Google links say otherwise? Because I've looked deeper into certain words that are connected to it. This brings me to my next point.
Are You Familiar with What a Bashert Is?
Something that I've been super fond of for many years now is Hebrew culture. The Scriptures were originally written in Hebrew. My name is Hebrew; it means "Mine; Belonging to Me" (meaning God) and it's such a rich culture (one that has gotten super whitewashed but that's another topic for another time). And so, the more I learn about it, the more enlightened I become. Take the Yiddish (interestingly enough, a language that was used by Jews in Europe before the Holocaust) word "bashert," for example. It means "soulmate" which translates into "destiny."
Because I work so much in the area of relationships, folks ask me often if I believe that we've all got one person who we're destined to be with. Personally, I do believe that there is a "one best" (who most people are too impatient or not tapped into the purpose of relationships enough to recognize/accept); however, realistically, you can probably be married to at least 100 other people on this planet and live a pretty good life (I venture to say that most marriages are an example of this). I also discern that it's important for people to remember that when you're picking a person, you're also picking a life path. And that's why the word "destiny" is so important because, it's not just about things being predestined for you; it's also about your fortune and one definition of fortune is "a power or force, often personalized, regarded as being responsible for human affairs." In other words, your bashert ultimately is a driving force who plays a role in how your daily life is lived. And y'all, that's a pretty big deal.
That's why I'm not a huge fan of the flippant attitude behind casual sex. For one thing, I know what "casual" means (check out "We Should Really Rethink The Term 'Casual Sex'"), and secondly, life is too short and too precious to be out here just giving our heart and parts to folks who can literally reroute our destined paths. So again, before getting into what a sexual soulmate is, first ponder what a bashert is. Then build upon that with this next point.
What Is the Purpose of a Soulmate?
Next up. Twin flames. While both it and bashert (and soulmate, really) can all get articles of their own, probably the short-long of this definition is it's when one soul (check out "I've Got Some Ways For You To Start Pampering Your Soul") is dwelling in two people. What I like about twin flames is they complement the responsible perspective of a soulmate pretty well because they are considered to be someone who challenges and heals you, almost at the same time.
What are some signs that you've encountered a twin flame? You complement each other well. You both want to see the other evolve. You both bring each other closer to fulfilling your lives' purpose (if you are caught up in someone who is hindering you from purpose fulfillment, that IS NOT a twin flame, sis). There is typically quite a bit of intensity (not drama, but intensity) between the two of you. Life seems to bring you back to each other, one way or another, kinda like a form of serendipity (not because you're forcing it to happen either; it's more like a series of coincidences). The connection feels very sacred; divine even. And, perhaps most importantly, twin flames help you to learn how to love yourself, usually better than anyone else has in your entire life.
When you let all of this really sink in, soulmates and twin flames are basically the opposite sides of the same coin. Romance isn't really the (ultimate) point of either one. Personal growth and progress, while being in a safe space…is. With this in mind, let's get into what a sexual soulmate is, shall we?
From a Holy Book Perspective, Your Sexual Soulmate Is Your Spouse
It's no secret that all three major holy books say that sex is for marriage. A part of the reason is because sex isn't just a profound pleasure; sex is a HUGE responsibility and when you're in a dynamic where someone has fully committed to you, you tend to feel more at ease to trust, to give your all, to thrive. At the same time, I also know that not all people subscribe to a religion (check out "7 Signs You're Spiritually Compatible With Someone"); still, I do think that it should go on record that if you factor in all of what I just said about soulmates, basherts, and twin flames if there is a common thread among them all, it's that a soulmate has a spiritual component and a profound effect on a person. And you know what? So does sex. Oxytocin alone speaks to that; that's why it's got the nickname, "the love hormone." Yep, just sleeping with someone can make you feel bonded by them because this natural hormone elevates in your system. So, just imagine how much more this intensifies when there is a mental, emotional, and spiritual connection there too.
That's why, I do believe that when you take in the purpose of a soulmate, bashert, and twin flame when it comes to who your sexual soulmate ultimately is, it's probably your spouse.
They might not be the best you've ever had (in bed). They might require some sexual adjusting to (check out "8 'Kinds Of Sex' All Married Couples Should Put Into Rotation"). Yet still, if it's all about bettering you as an individual, the person you share life with and (in most sexual agreements) only have sex with? How could they not, as time progresses, become your ultimate sexual soulmate? The two of you are becoming one and consistently participating in an act that makes that possible (check out "10 Wonderful Reasons Why Consistent Sex In Marriage Is So Important," "10 Simple Ways Married Couples Can Make More Time For Sex," "The 'Seasons Of Sex' That Married People Go Through," "8 Sex-Related Questions To Ask Your Spouse ASAP" and "What You Should Do If You Find Yourself In A Sexless Marriage")? So yeah, that's a huge part of the reason why I've come to this resolve.
From a Broader Perspective, a Sexual Soulmate Impacts Your Life — Even Outside of the Bedroom
So, what if you're not married, you're divorced or you have absolutely no intentions of ever jumping any broom? Does that mean you can't — or have never had — a sexual soulmate before? Remember how I said earlier that I do believe there is a best for you and then there are 100 others that you can build a solid life with? Again, the commitment that a spouse makes, both in and out of the bedroom to their partner, yes, qualifies them to be a soulmate of sorts, even sexually. However, I do also believe that there can be people who still reveal some really deep things to you about yourself, who you have a really strong connection with, who teaches you how to love yourself quite deeply, in a way that others cannot — and a part of it came from being sexually involved with them.
Because I'm not married (yet), I have yet to have the peak sexual soulmate experience. However, there is a guy from my past who — whew. While I was initially involved with him, I thought it was all about how in sync we were sexually (never get two Geminis in the same room, chile. It's something fierce!). Looking back, though, he came at a time when I had recently lost my fiancé, he listened, he affirmed, he helped me to see the situation and who I was becoming due to it in a way that no one else was quite capable of doing. And although he was (and continues to be) fine and some mo' fine, I get that the sex was so passionate and satisfying because I felt a connection deeper than just the physical act. And to this day, when I think back on my sex life, he is someone who I have very little regret. He is someone who I still think fondly of. He is someone who cultivates a lot of inner peace.
Yeah, that's something else to keep in mind about sexual soulmates. Let the media have its way and you'll think that if you and someone are tearing each other's clothes off one day and then acting out some version of a crazy Lifetime movie the next, for months or even years on end, the two of you must be sexual soulmates.
Chile, a soulmate — a true one — is a blessing and benefit NOT an addiction or obsession. Being a-dick-ted doesn't make someone your soulmate. However, if you know, that you know that you know, that you can directly associate what happens in the bedroom with how you're shifting, for the better, outside of it and you've never really quite been able to say that about anyone else before, you just might be onto something. Real talk.
This topic could be a series. I just wanted to make sure that in a world that wants to cheapen sex at every turn, that we all remember that the act can — and should — go so much deeper than the surface. A sexual soulmate can be a really beautiful thing…so long as you keep it in its proper perspective. Your body is precious, so please make sure that you do.
For more love and relationships, sex tips and tricks, and marriage advice, check out xoNecole's Sex & Love section here.
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It's kinda wild that, in 2025, my byline will have appeared on this platform for (what?!) seven years. And yeah, when I'm not waxing poetic on here about sex, relationships and then...more sex and relationships, I am working as a certified marriage life coach, helping to birth babies (as a doula) or penning for other places (oftentimes under pen names).
As some of you know, something that I've been "threatening" to do for a few years now is write another book. Welp, October 2024 was the month that I "gave birth" to my third one: 'Inside of Me 2.0: My Story. With a 20-Year Lens'. It's fitting considering I hit a milestone during the same year.
Beyond that, Pumas and lip gloss are still my faves along with sweatshirts and tees that have a pro-Black message on them. I've also started really getting into big ass unique handbags and I'm always gonna have a signature scent that ain't nobody's business but my own.
As far as where to find me, I continue to be MIA on the social media front and I honestly don't know if that will ever change. Still, if you need to hit me up about something *that has nothing to do with pitching on the site (I'm gonna start ignoring those emails because...boundaries)*, hit me up at missnosipho@gmail.com. I'll do what I can. ;)
Eva Marcille On Starring In 'Jason’s Lyric Live' & Being An Audacious Black Woman
Eva Marcille has taken her talents to the stage. The model-turned-actress is starring in her first play, Jason’s Lyric Live alongside Allen Payne, K. Michelle, Treach, and others.
The play, produced by Je’Caryous Johnson, is an adaptation of the film, which starred Allen Payne as Jason and Jada Pinkett Smith as Lyric. Allen reprised his role as Jason for the play and Eva plays Lyric.
While speaking to xoNecole, Eva shares that she’s a lot like the beloved 1994 character in many ways. “Lyric is so me. She's the odd flower. A flower nonetheless, but definitely not a peony,” she tells us.
“She's not the average flower you see presented, and so she reminds me of myself. I'm a sunflower, beautiful, but different. And what I loved about her character then, and even more so now, is that she was very sure of herself.
"Sure of what she wanted in life and okay to sacrifice her moments right now, to get what she knew she deserved later. And that is me. I'm not an instant gratification kind of a person. I am a long game. I'm not a sprinter, I'm a marathon.
America first fell in love with Eva when she graced our screens on cycle 3 of America’s Next Top Model in 2004, which she emerged as the winner. Since then, she's ventured into different avenues, from acting on various TV series like House of Payne to starring on Real Housewives of Atlanta.
Je-Caryous Johnson Entertainment
Eva praises her castmates and the play’s producer, Je’Caryous for her positive experience. “You know what? Je’Caryous fuels my audacity car daily, ‘cause I consider myself an extremely audacious woman, and I believe in what I know, even if no one else knows it, because God gave it to me. So I know what I know. That is who Je’Caryous is.”
But the mom of three isn’t the only one in the family who enjoys acting. Eva reveals her daughter Marley has also caught the acting bug.
“It is the most adorable thing you can ever see. She’s got a part in her school play. She's in her chorus, and she loves it,” she says. “I don't know if she loves it, because it's like, mommy does it, so maybe I should do it, but there is something about her.”
Overall, Eva hopes that her contribution to the role and the play as a whole serves as motivation for others to reach for the stars.
“I want them to walk out with hope. I want them to re-vision their dreams. Whatever they were. Whatever they are. To re-see them and then have that thing inside of them say, ‘You know what? I'm going to do that. Whatever dream you put on the back burner, go pick it up.
"Whatever dream you've accomplished, make a new dream, but continue to reach for the stars. Continue to reach for what is beyond what people say we can do, especially as [a] Black collective but especially as Black women. When it comes to us and who we are and what we accept and what we're worth, it's not about having seen it before. It's about knowing that I deserve it.”
This interview has been edited for length and clarity.
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Tracee Ellis Ross Is Still Living A 'Robust' Life Despite Sometimes Grieving Not Being Partnered
Tracee Ellis Ross sat down with former first lady Michelle Obama and her brother Craig Robinson for their IMO podcast to have a candid discussion about dating, marriage, and family. At 52, the beloved actress is single, but is still open to finding her person. However, she realizes that she has to navigate dating differently, describing herself as a "unicorn."
“I’m a very unique sort of unicorn of a woman, so it's gonna take a unique person,” she explained. "And in the meantime, I've really learned how to live my life and enjoy it and not sit around waiting."
Calling herself a "choiceful woman," she has had to push against culture norms and found that many of her experiences with men around her age were challenging due to the toxic masculinity they had been raised in. Many of their views about relationships conflicts with how she lives her life, so she tends to date younger.
“It's not just that I'm older. I’m also very embodied. I am a full, very whole person who knows myself, who is in charge of my life and who lives a very full, just robust life," she said.
Regardless if they're younger or older, Tracee has made it clear that she isn't settling and won't be in a relationship for the sake of having a partner. Even when loneliness creeps.
“As much as grief does surface for me around not having children and not having a partner, I still wouldn’t want the wrong partner. At all, I’m not interested in that. You have to make my life better, it can’t just be ‘I’m in a relationship just to be in a relationship,” she said.
Fans have watched pieces of Tracee's life played out on social media and TV. Just one look at her Instagram, you see that the black-ish star lives her life to fullest and it's filled with fashion, family, and all-round fabulousness.
"Even though the grief does emerge, and that comes, and I hold that, I think of what I’ve done. I think I woke up every morning trying to do my best. I didn’t wake up one morning and be like I’m gonna mess this day up. So I must be where I’m supposed to be.”
She added, “And sometimes I think of all of the things I’ve done—the courage that I’ve had to have, what I had to learn to how to navigate as a single person with no one to hide behind. It's built a really beautiful experience around me and I have incredible friends."
The Black Mirror actress has spoken about dating before and has always stated that she doesn't allow singleness stop her from living her best life.
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