The Do’s & Don’ts Of Dirty Talk, According To A Sex Therapist
With Valentine's Day right around the corner, you may be looking to spice things up with your bae. Perhaps you've already mastered the art of sexting (hello kitten, eggplant, and "wet" emojis!) and are ready to kick it up a notch. Dirty talk is a form of sexual expression that can intensify sensual stimulation before, during and even after sex play – transforming your average sex session into a steamy romp in the sack.
Dirty talk can empower partners to express their desires, needs, and reactions in real-time. And while it may seem a bit scary and embarrassing at first, the key is to make sure that you're using words and phrases that seem natural to you and that describe how you're feeling in the moment.
If you're ready to develop your own dirty dialogue and say goodbye to silent sex forever, sex therapist Shamyra Howard provides six helpful do's and don'ts of dirty talk.
The Do's and Don'ts of Dirty Talk During Sex
Do start slow with dirty talk.
Talking frisky may seem a little risky at first, but it's very important to ease your way into it, just as with any new sexual activity. "Dirty talk can be to sex, what butter is to everything!" Shamyra said. "And although it is fun, it can be intimidating due to thoughts and expectations of what's supposed to happen." Starting slow and steady can help you relax and let go of your inhibitions.
Don’t surprise your partner.
"If dirty talk is something new that you want to introduce to your other half, be sure to solicit their thoughts before you decide to jump in full fledge! You don't want to kill the mood before you have the chance to create it," Shamyra explained.
Here are her recommended questions:
- What are your thoughts on dirty talk?
- Would you be open to us talking dirty to each other?
- What are a few scenarios that really turn you on?
- What are scenarios that would totally turn you off?
Do embrace the awkwardness.
"A big reason why many people resist dirty talk is because they find it weird or awkward," Shamyra said. "Just like many other forms of sexual intimacy and sex play, things may get a little weird – and that's okay." If something funny happens, it's okay to laugh and then get back to telling your partner how good their skin feels against yours. Allow yourself to be as natural as possible.
Don't force the dirty talk.
"When talking dirty, stick with terms that you are comfortable with," Shamyra explained. "You don't have to go full Wesley Pipes (or any other adult entertainer), if that's not your usual tone." Try starting with these sexy basics:
1. Tell your partner you miss them.
Say this: "I can't wait to feel you."
2. Tell your partner something you like about them.
Say this: "I really like how soft your body is."
3. Remind your partner of a previous pleasurable sexual experience.
Say this: "Do you remember how wet I was last time? How did that feel?"
4. Make a sexual request.
Say this: "Next time, I want you to taste me."
Do practice talking dirty.
"Just like with anything else, practice makes perfect. Practice in the mirror or record yourself talking dirty, moaning and groaning," Shamyra described. "Exercising what you're going to say before you say it can make dirty talk less awkward."
Don't forget to touch yourself.
If you're really feeling yourself, go ahead and feel yourself! "Dirty talk is meant to be erotic and arousing -- why not heighten the experience by touching yourself?" Shamyra exclaimed. "Extra points if you orgasm! The great thing about dirty talk is that you can always adjust what you say based on you and your partner's comfort level. And while it doesn't always have to lead to penetrative sex, dirty talk can definitely enhance your sexual relationship."
Featured image by Shutterstock
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ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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Sheila Rashid's Androgynous Approach To Unisex Clothing Is A Lesson In Embracing Individuality
The ItGirl 100 List is a celebration of 100 Black women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table.
For Sheila Rashid, it all started with some free-hand drawings and a few strokes of paint.
The Chicago-based clothing designer and creative director of Sheila Rashid Brand recalls using her spare time in high school to hand paint designs on t-shirts and distressed hoodies, distributing them to classmates as walking billboards for her art.
Rashid sought to pursue fashion design at Columbia College in Chicago but eventually took the self-taught route to build upon her knack for crafting one-of-a-kind, androgynous pieces.
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Thanks to the mentorship of local designers taking her under their wings, Rashid was able to gain valuable experience in putting together collections and creating patterns; equipping her with them with the necessary skills to pursue her own collections.
After two years of living in New York, Rashid returned home to the Chi and uncovered the unique flair she could offer the city. “I moved to New York after that because I wanted to be in the fashion capital world,” she tells xoNecole. “That's when I really got a leg up. I found myself when I moved back to Chicago after moving to New York.”
For the Midwest native, inspiration comes from her time around creative peers and the city’s notorious winters — known to be a main character in many Chicagoans stories. “It's a different perspective and mindset when I'm making stuff because of the weather here,” she explains. “When we get summer, it’s ‘Summertime Chi’ — it's amazing. It's beautiful. Still, I find myself always making clothes that cater to the winter.”
"I moved to New York after that because I wanted to be in the fashion capital world. That's when I really got a leg up. I found myself when I moved back to Chicago after moving to New York.”
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Many designers have a signature aesthetic or theme in their creations. In Rashid’s design story, dancing between the lines of femininity and masculinity is how she’s been able to distinguish herself within the industry. Her androgynous clothing has garnered the eye of celebrities like Zendaya, Chance the Rapper, WNBA star Sydney Colson, and more — showing her range and approach to designs with inclusivity in mind.
“I think I do reflect my own style,” she says. “When I do make pieces, I'm very tomboyish, androgynous. My work is unisex because I feel like everybody can wear it. I cater to everybody and that's how I try to approach my clothes.” From denim to overalls, and color-drenched outerwear, Rashid has mastered the structure of statement pieces that tell a story.
“Each collection, I never know what's going to be the thing I'm going to focus on. I try to reflect my own style and have fun with the storytelling,” she shares. “I look at it more like it's my art in this small way of expressing myself, so it's not that calculated.”
"My work is unisex because I feel like everybody can wear it. I cater to everybody and that's how I try to approach my clothes."
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Still, if you were able to add up all the moments within Rashid’s 20-year career in design, one theme that has multiplied her into becoming an “ItGirl” is her confidence to take up space within the fashion industry as a queer, Black woman. “Being an ItGirl is about being yourself, loving what you do, finding your niche, and mastering that,” she says.
No matter where you are on your ItGirl journey, Rashid says to always remain persistent and never hesitate to share your art with the world. “Don’t give up. Even if it's something small, finish it and don't be afraid to put it out,” she says, “It's about tackling your own fear of feeling like you have to please everybody, but just please yourself, and that's good enough.”
To learn more about the ItGirl 100 List, view the full list here.
Featured image Courtesy