How Much Can You Trust 'I Love You' During Sex?
While I wish that what I'm about to say was a rare occurrence, it absolutely is not. I'd say that at least once every few months or so, a (single) woman will rave to me about how their new man has recently expressed just how into her he is.
When I ask her to share with me what he's done to make her think that, first she'll look at me like I'm patronizing her (I promise you, I'm not). Then she might say things like he spends lots of time with her. But 8.5 times out of 10, what really seals the deal, in her mind, is the fact that he tells her that he loves her.
On the surface, that's a beautiful thing. But my journalistic background always beckons me to ask for more details. No joke, a little more than half the time, the conversation goes something like this:
Me: "Soooo…he told you that the first time…when?"
Her:(now looking at me like "What does that have to do with anything?!") "While we were having sex."
Yeah. Naw. Unless he's said it again without any prompting on her part and when they are out of the bed, I'm not even the least bit moved. Call me a cynic if you want, but research, observance, and even a little bit of personal experience have taught me to be very discerning about "I love you" being expressed during sex.
Here's exactly why I say that:
Do You Know What Your Brain Is Going Through During An Orgasm?!
You'd have to be an 80's baby to recall the commercial that featured a person holding up an egg, cracking it, and putting it into a hot frying pan. The egg represented your brain. The frying pan represented drugs. The person would end the lil' skit by saying, "This is your brain", then after the egg started to cook, they would follow that up with, "This is your brain on drugs. Any questions?"
Where am I going with this? Aside from the extreme feelings of euphoria orgasms provide, guess what drug they are compared to? Heroin. There's a part of our brain that's located right behind our left eye that's called the lateral orbitofrontal cortex. It's what literally controls our ability to reason and make logical choices; during an orgasm, this part of our brain totally shuts down. Meaning, no one can be trusted to make wise decisions during an orgasm.
Not only that, but according to a study that was published in the Journal of Neuroscience, both a man and woman's brain have a similar appearance of someone who is on heroin whenever they climax.
Would you trust a heroin addict if they expressed how much they loved you while they were high? Exactly.
Why Would A Guy Then Choose To Tell You He Doesn’t Love You After Sex?
It could be an article in and of itself, just how manipulative it is to ask a man to tell you that he loves you — again, for the first time — while he's literally in you. What are you expecting him to say — "No, I'm using you for sex?!" No matter how "high" a guy may be, he's not stupid enough to insult his bedmate.
If you're doing this because you feel like if he says "yes", it's because he's being truly vulnerable during an intimate moment, think again. I have plenty of male friends who've told me that there are at least 3-5 women they've had sex with that they can't even stand. So, why did they do it? They were horny.
Moral to the story — just because sex with someone may be an intimate experience for you, that doesn't automatically or necessarily mean that they see it the same way.
If you really want a heartfelt answer, wait until you both are watching a movie while sitting on the couch. Better yet, try avoid asking him at all. Let him bring it up all on his own. That is far more reliable.
There’s a BIG DIFFERENCE Between “I Love You” and “I Love It” During Sex
Remember how I said that even a little bit of personal experience brought me to this conclusion? There are atheists who may say "Oh God!" during an orgasm (folks in porn do it all of the time and I doubt all of them have a strong spiritual foundation). Why? Because scientific research reveals that the oxytocin that increases during sex causes us to feel connected to a higher power (pretty deep, right?). A lot of times, folks don't mean to exclaim the Most High's name…they can't help it.
Along these same lines, sometimes sex can be so freakin' good that you feel the best word to use is "love". However, that doesn't always mean I love you; it could mean I love it — and by "it", I'm talking about the sex itself.
This is why I'm known for saying that I loathe the phrase "make love". Sex shouldn't be seen as a way to make love; it should be treated as a way to celebrate the love that exists outside of the bedroom.
So, am I saying that an "I love you" during sex can't be trusted at any time? No. A couple who's already said it when they're sane doesn't have much to worry about. I'm just saying that if you're not sure about how a man feels about you, trying to find out during coitus is not the time.
None of us are in our "right" minds while gettin' it on. This means you can't really trust what you ask. And you can't trust what you hear back either.
That's how truly (and literally) mind-blowing an orgasm is!
Featured image by Getty Images
- Saying 'I love you' during sex keeps you and your partner satisfied ... ›
- Signs Sex Is More Than Physical For Him | MadameNoire ›
- Good Relationship or Just Good Sex? 5 Ways to Tell the Difference ... ›
- Sex: Signs he's fallen for you ›
- Relationship Rant: Expert Gives Dubious Advice on the Accidental "I ... ›
- Signs he loves you | How to know if someone is in love with you ›
- Sex Reveals His True Feelings For You! | HuffPost ›
- Saying 'I love you' during sex likely to be important contributor to ... ›
- 9 Things he will do during sex if he loves you! - WomenNow.in ›
- When Guys Say "I Love You" During Sex, Is It For Real? ›
Different puzzle pieces are creating bigger pictures these days. 2024 will mark a milestone on a few different levels, including the release of my third book next June (yay!).
I am also a Professional Certified Coach. My main mission for attaining that particular goal is to use my formal credentials to help people navigate through the sometimes tumultuous waters, both on and offline, when it comes to information about marriage, sex and relationships that is oftentimes misinformation (because "coach" is a word that gets thrown around a lot, oftentimes quite poorly).
I am also still super devoted to helping to bring life into this world as a doula, marriage life coaching will always be my first love (next to writing, of course), a platform that advocates for good Black men is currently in the works and my keystrokes continue to be devoted to HEALTHY over HAPPY in the areas of holistic intimacy, spiritual evolution, purpose manifestation and self-love...because maturity teaches that it's impossible to be happy all of the time when it comes to reaching goals yet healthy is a choice that can be made on a daily basis (amen?).
If you have any PERSONAL QUESTIONS (please do not contact me with any story pitches; that is an *editorial* need), feel free to reach out at missnosipho@gmail.com. A sistah will certainly do what she can. ;)
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
Let’s make things inbox official! Sign up for the xoNecole newsletter for daily love, wellness, career, and exclusive content delivered straight to your inbox.
ItGirl 100: Get To Know Some Of The Most Inspiring And Empowering Women On Our List
The ItGirl 100 List, in partnership with Hyundai, is a celebration of 100 Black women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table.
We often see lists featuring amazing women who are seasoned in this thing called life, and our ItGirl 100 List gives flowers to the people they’ve passed the torch to: young millennial and Gen Z women who are innovating and disrupting in today’s world of advancement.
xoNecole has partnered with Hyundai for its inaugural ItGirl 100 List to give these women their flowers today. It’s a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who have built their own tables, launched new businesses, and redefined what it truly means to be blessed, booked, and busy.
Here’s a snapshot of fun facts from a few of the women listed on the ItGirl 100, representing the East, West, Midwest, and South:
EAST
Courtesy
DJ 9AM: DJ & Curator
Representing: Brooklyn
Ultimate ItGirl Song: "On My Mama" by Victoria Monét
Favorite OG It Girl: Nia Long
Zodiac Big Three: Cancer Sun, Taurus Moon, Pisces Rising
Favoring open-format, multi-genre mixes, this DJ has created a winning reputation for rocking a crowd with seamless transitions and selections, always representing Southwest musical and cultural influences.
Courtesy
Tiffany James, Founder, Modern BLK Girl
Representing:Brooklyn
Ultimate ItGirl Song: "Lucky Girl" by Carlina
Favorite OG It Girl:Naomi Campbell
Zodiac Big Three: Sagittarius Sun, Leo Moon, Virgo Rising
Modern BLK Girl is one of the leading investment groups among women of color, and the founder serves as an avid investor, community builder, and advocate. Tiffany James is also a mentor, utilizing her unique combination of financial and fashion expertise.
Courtesy
Kat Mateo, Casting Director
Representing: New Jersey
Ultimate ItGirl Song: "Princess Going Digital" by Amaarae
Favorite OG It Girl: Kelis, Eve, Lil Kim
Zodiac Big Three: Aries Sun, Cancer Moon, Cancer Rising
Thriving as a casting director and stylist, Kat Mateo offers a unique point of view that has shaped New York Fashion Week shows, ad campaigns, and editorials. She has also been a major contributor to cultural conversations related to fashion and inclusivity.
Courtesy
Denise Stephanie Hewitt, Photographer
Representing: Brooklyn
Ultimate ItGirl Song: "Experience" by Victoria Monét
Favorite OG It Girl: Hannah Montana
Zodiac Big Three: Taurus Sun, Aquarius Moon, Aquarius Rising
This Gordon Parks Foundation scholar is a full-time student who has been working to expand her freelance career in photography. Denise is also been featured among Essence'sinaugural list of "Top 10 Creators Under 30," for her unique aesthetics and perceptions through her art.
WEST
Courtesy
Nayamka Roberts-Smith, Aesthetician
Representing: Los Angeles
Ultimate ItGirl Song: "Tomorrow 2" by GloRilla & Cardi B
Favorite OG It Girl: Meagan Good
Zodiac Big Three: Sagittarius Sun, Leo Moon, Capricorn Rising
Nayamka Roberts-Smith is an award-winning professional in the skincare industry and serves as an educator, offering knowledge on beauty culture. She also is a well-sought-after speaker on beauty and women’s issues, with a following of more than 1 million on social.
Courtesy
Desiree L. Talley, Esq., Vice President, Legal & Business Affairs, Revolt TV
Representing: Los Angeles
Ultimate ItGirl Song: "Nice" by The Carters
Favorite OG It Girl: Issa Rae
Zodiac Big Three: Cancer Sun, Scorpio Moon, Cancer Rising
An attorney and storyteller, Desiree L. Talley meshes relatability with her legal smarts for the culture. She advocates for cultural advancement and societal change through her POPLAW Podcast while balancing her executive duties at Revolt TV.
Marley Rae
Courtesy
Marley Rae, Organizer, WalkGood
Representing: Los Angeles
Ultimate ItGirl Song: "Nice For What" by Drake
Favorite OG It Girl: Mariah Carey
Zodiac Big Three: Capricorn Sun, Taurus Moon, Leo Rising
Marley Rae is a Nike Athlete, certified yoga instructor, COO, and Director of Health and Wellness for WalkGood LA, a family-founded non-profit organization. She is dedicated to fostering understanding and care in local and global communities.
MIDWEST
Courtesy
Shawnee Dez
Representing: Chicago
Ultimate ItGirl Song: "FreeBody Freestyle" by Shawnee Dez
Favorite OG It Girl: Toni Morrison
Zodiac Big Three: Cancer Sun, Aquarius Moon, Cancer Rising
Shawnee Dez is an artist who's all about captivating her audience through encouragement and empowerment. Her music features fluid harmonic layering, live instrumentation fused with digital production, and her unique multi-talented voice in an alto melodic tone.
Courtesy
Bianca Pastel, Visual Artist
Representing: Chicago
Ultimate ItGirl Song: Anything by Whitney Houston
Favorite OG It Girl: Grace Jones
Zodiac Big Three: Taurus Sun, Leo Moon, Sagittarius Rising
Bianca Pastel's artistic portfolio includes fine art, illustrations, and animation, and she's worked with clients including Disney Pixar, and the NFL, to name a few. Her focus is "empowering the experience of being a Black child and dealing with mental health issues."
Courtesy
Donyale Walton, Founder, Hoop Mobb
Representing: Detroit
Ultimate ItGirl Song: "Yeah I Said It" by Rihanna
Favorite OG It Girl: Aaliyah
Zodiac Big Three: Virgo Sun, Libra Moon, Capricorn Rising
Donyale Walton's brand Hoop Mobb, celebrates the Black and Brown fashion and cultural impact and presence of hoop earrings. It's grown to earn more than seven figures in annual revenue and a nationwide community of loyal consumers.
Courtesy
Ticara Devone, Content Creator
Representing: Chicago
Ultimate ItGirl Song: "She's a Bitch" by Missy Elliott
Favorite OG It Girl: Ananda Lewis
The Zodiac Big Three: Libra Sun, Taurus Moon, Virgo Rising
A trusted sneaker enthusiast and content creator, Ticara Devone uses dynamic storytelling to hold space for others with a passion for sneakers. A published writer, she’s worked with brands including Nike and Footlocker and inspires us all by ensuring women are vocal and seen in the multi-billion dollar shoe space.
SOUTH
Courtesy
AllyiahsFace, Content Creator
Representing: Atlanta
Ultimate ItGirl Song: "Go Off" Doja Cat
Favorite OG It Girl: Gabrielle Union and Halle Berry
Zodiac Big Three: Gemini Sun, Leo Moon, Scorpio Rising
AllyiahsFace's YouTube channel has more than 830,000 subscribers, and she's been hitting the ground running since 2015. Her content creation, which centers on beauty, fashion, and lifestyle, has led to a lucrative career and drawn a close-knit social and real-life community to view and be inspired.
Courtesy
Jaycina, Executive Director, Tender
Representing: Atlanta
Ultimate ItGirl Song: "All I Got" by Amel Larrieux
Favorite OG It Girl:Tracee Ellis Ross
Zodiac Big Three: Leo Sun, Sagittarius Moon, Sagittarius Rising
Jaycina is a signed model with a nonprofit that works to provide support and community for single mothers in Atlanta. She's also appeared in campaigns for brands including Fenty and GAP as well as features in all your favorite magazines and on billboards across the country.
Courtesy
Asha Christian, Founder, Coily App
Representing: Atlanta
Ultimate ItGirl Song: "It's My Life" by Mariah Carey
Favorite OG It Girl: Toni Childs (Girlfriends)
Zodiac Big Three: Sagittarius Sun, Leo Moon, Leo Rising
Asha Christian created Coily to provide beauty recommendations utilizing social data. It offers a more personalized, AI-driven experience for users and part of her mission is to provide solutions related to diversity and put the focus back on the consumer. Meshing tech and culture, Christian is innovating with options that exemplify the Black girl magic needed in tech.
Let’s make things inbox official! Sign up for the xoNecole newsletter for love, wellness, career, and exclusive content delivered straight to your inbox.
Featured image by FG Trade/Getty