While I wish that what I'm about to say was a rare occurrence, it absolutely is not. I'd say that at least once every few months or so, a (single) woman will rave to me about how their new man has recently expressed just how into her he is.
When I ask her to share with me what he's done to make her think that, first she'll look at me like I'm patronizing her (I promise you, I'm not). Then she might say things like he spends lots of time with her. But 8.5 times out of 10, what really seals the deal, in her mind, is the fact that he tells her that he loves her.
On the surface, that's a beautiful thing. But my journalistic background always beckons me to ask for more details. No joke, a little more than half the time, the conversation goes something like this:
Me: "Soooo…he told you that the first time…when?"
Her:(now looking at me like "What does that have to do with anything?!") "While we were having sex."
Yeah. Naw. Unless he's said it again without any prompting on her part and when they are out of the bed, I'm not even the least bit moved. Call me a cynic if you want, but research, observance, and even a little bit of personal experience have taught me to be very discerning about "I love you" being expressed during sex.
Here's exactly why I say that:
Do You Know What Your Brain Is Going Through During An Orgasm?!
You'd have to be an 80's baby to recall the commercial that featured a person holding up an egg, cracking it, and putting it into a hot frying pan. The egg represented your brain. The frying pan represented drugs. The person would end the lil' skit by saying, "This is your brain", then after the egg started to cook, they would follow that up with, "This is your brain on drugs. Any questions?"
Where am I going with this? Aside from the extreme feelings of euphoria orgasms provide, guess what drug they are compared to? Heroin. There's a part of our brain that's located right behind our left eye that's called the lateral orbitofrontal cortex. It's what literally controls our ability to reason and make logical choices; during an orgasm, this part of our brain totally shuts down. Meaning, no one can be trusted to make wise decisions during an orgasm.
Not only that, but according to a study that was published in the Journal of Neuroscience, both a man and woman's brain have a similar appearance of someone who is on heroin whenever they climax.
Would you trust a heroin addict if they expressed how much they loved you while they were high? Exactly.
Why Would A Guy Then Choose To Tell You He Doesn’t Love You After Sex?
It could be an article in and of itself, just how manipulative it is to ask a man to tell you that he loves you — again, for the first time — while he's literally in you. What are you expecting him to say — "No, I'm using you for sex?!" No matter how "high" a guy may be, he's not stupid enough to insult his bedmate.
If you're doing this because you feel like if he says "yes", it's because he's being truly vulnerable during an intimate moment, think again. I have plenty of male friends who've told me that there are at least 3-5 women they've had sex with that they can't even stand. So, why did they do it? They were horny.
Moral to the story — just because sex with someone may be an intimate experience for you, that doesn't automatically or necessarily mean that they see it the same way.
If you really want a heartfelt answer, wait until you both are watching a movie while sitting on the couch. Better yet, try avoid asking him at all. Let him bring it up all on his own. That is far more reliable.
There’s a BIG DIFFERENCE Between “I Love You” and “I Love It” During Sex
Remember how I said that even a little bit of personal experience brought me to this conclusion? There are atheists who may say "Oh God!" during an orgasm (folks in porn do it all of the time and I doubt all of them have a strong spiritual foundation). Why? Because scientific research reveals that the oxytocin that increases during sex causes us to feel connected to a higher power (pretty deep, right?). A lot of times, folks don't mean to exclaim the Most High's name…they can't help it.
Along these same lines, sometimes sex can be so freakin' good that you feel the best word to use is "love". However, that doesn't always mean I love you; it could mean I love it — and by "it", I'm talking about the sex itself.
This is why I'm known for saying that I loathe the phrase "make love". Sex shouldn't be seen as a way to make love; it should be treated as a way to celebrate the love that exists outside of the bedroom.
So, am I saying that an "I love you" during sex can't be trusted at any time? No. A couple who's already said it when they're sane doesn't have much to worry about. I'm just saying that if you're not sure about how a man feels about you, trying to find out during coitus is not the time.
None of us are in our "right" minds while gettin' it on. This means you can't really trust what you ask. And you can't trust what you hear back either.
That's how truly (and literally) mind-blowing an orgasm is!
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